schemingreader

Okay. This is as cracky as I could manage. The people over at hp_britglish gave me a lot of advice about how Lupin should remodel the kitchen counters. I think they didn't realize I wanted to know on which surface the characters were going to be, um, indulging in activities.



Title: Save Your Breath (to Cool Your Porridge)
Author: schemingreader
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Rating: NC-17, mature, dirty, etc.
Warning: Just for typical graphic sexual description and mention of various body parts, and misuse of kitchen counters. And maybe a somewhat dysfunctional and immature relationship.
Author's Note: Lighting-fast beta-read by islandsmoke. This is for busaikko's birthday, 1/22/07. Happy birthday and I love you.

busaikko's request:
Oooh, Xtreme Snupin crackfic would be lovely.
Something involving them doing something mature as a couple (buying a house, cooking a dinner) and going from bad to worse until naught can save the day but sex which employs the full range of your fulsome vocabulary.

Save Your Breath (to Cool Your Porridge)



"We've only been living together for two weeks and already you're getting up my nose!"

Severus snorted. "Was that meant to be amusing?"

"Could you get out of the bleeding kitchen before I get violent?"

"It's my house, therefore also my kitchen--"

Lupin growled. Severus stiffened. His penis stiffened, too.

"I apologize Remus," he said quickly, "Perhaps I mis--"

"You didn't misspeak, Severus, you were being deliberately--"

"You were the one who decided to make porridge for a dinner party!"

"It's not porridge, it's polenta, and you don't fool anyone with your inverted snobbery--"

"I still can't believe that we are giving a dinner party and you are going to serve maize meal mush!"

"Well I can hardly serve it now, I'm sure it's all lumps."

Severus smirked. Lupin pushed him up against the counter. "You're asking for it--"he growled, grabbing Severus by the shirt.

"Oh, very mature Lupin, very dignified--"

But then Lupin relaxed a fraction and grinned. "You're hard as a rock. Jesus, Severus, you can't just say 'I'm feeling a bit tense, Remus, how about a little slap and tickle'--"

"It's merely proximity--"

"You can't just say, 'let's go up to the bedroom for a bit of fun before the party,' no, not you, you have to start an argument about something utterly stupid--"

"I wasn't starting an argument, you're," he gasped and threw his head back as Lupin licked his neck "oversensitive--"

"How in the nine hells did you survive the war as a spy when you are such a rotten liar?"

"I never lie," he panted, rather unpersuasively. Lupin was undoing Severus' belt and unfastening his trousers, which immediately fell to the floor. The elastic waistband of his Muggle underpants was pressed against his straining erection.

"I love your cock in Muggle clothes," Lupin murmured. "I love the way you can't hide."

He breathed on Severus' balls through the fabric of the pants, and then licked, tangling his tongue in the pubic hair escaping along the side of the leg openings.

Severus couldn't hear anything but the sound of his own harsh breathing. "Stop teasing me, Lupin," he begged.

"Ah." Lupin's voice was smug from the region of Severus' groin. He stood and took one last regretful look across the kitchen at the pot of contested porridge. Then he spun Severus around so that he was trapped between Lupin and the counter and pressed his own rather impressively hard and swollen member against Severus' bottom. "Teasing you? Am I teasing you?"

"Damn it."

"Do you want me to fuck you, right here in the kitchen, spread out on the counter? Do you want me to make you come all over the lovely clean kitchen?"

Severus' face went all hot. "You know I can't--"

"You can't bear it when I talk about sex. You can't stand to ask me for it so you start a fight and I have to put up with your drama queen whinging about my cooking or whatever it is whenever you want a fuck."

"Stop it," Severus whispered. He was so hard he thought he might explode.

"Ask me, just ask me--just this once."

"Remus."

"You know what I want to hear."

"Remus. I want you to fuck me."

"More." Lupin pushed his cock against him. Severus leaned back into the embrace and put his head up against Lupin's shoulder to bring his mouth close to the other man's ear. In as low an insinuating tone as he had ever used, Severus said, "I want you to fuck me over the kitchen counter, pounding me into submission with your nearly abnormally huge, lycanthropic cock."

"Better," Lupin said in a strangled tone.

"Please," Severus whispered at last.

Lupin growled in earnest this time, and tried to yank down Severus' underpants but they ripped in his hands. He grabbed a bottle of olive oil from the counter and poured it liberally into his hands, and then greased them both. It dripped between Severus' buttocks and made an alarming slathering sound as Lupin used his hands to grease his own cock. Then Severus felt a thumb pressing the rim of his anus. He bent forward.

He was still somewhat relaxed and open from their last fuck, and the pads of Lupin's thumbs were somehow soothing on the tender flesh. The thumbs pushed in, split him open. Everything Lupin did was so fucking perfect.

"Oh Severus, oh God," Lupin groaned as he pushed the corona of his penis through the loosened ring of muscle. "You're like velvet, so good."

Severus really hated this kind of talk. It aroused him terribly but it was so desperately embarrassing. Lupin's penis was as thick as--it didn't bear thinking about how thick, how incredibly filling, Lupin's penis was.

Lupin rubbed more oil in to make things even slicker, and began to move a bit faster. Each thrust stimulated the entire base of Severus' penis, his swollen prostate gland, and it felt like perhaps a few internal organs. Bottoming to Lupin was all-consuming. He loved it; he loved everything they did. Lupin's large hands were gripping his hips and marking the tops of his buttocks.

He didn't believe in making noise during sex, but he was: he was grunting an open vowelly "unh" with each thrust. His feet had lifted off of the floor and his cock was rubbing against the slick oiled granite countertop. Thank heavens Lupin was such a stereotypical gay man and had insisted on redecorating; this wouldn't have been nearly as comfortable on the original chipped formica.

Though he supposed that Lupin wasn't a gay man so much as a bisexual werewolf. In one of their many rows, Lupin had pointed out that his bisexuality was a way of ensuring that he had the single most irritating partner in wizarding Britain. Thinking about how Lupin looked and sounded during an argument would only make his orgasm hit sooner. Already he was almost unbearably sensitive. Lupin made animalistic sounds behind him, and then leaned down to lick his ear.

"Oh God, Remus, I'm going to come," he managed to gasp before it all broke over him in waves of trembling. There were a few more thrusts to make him shake and nearly scream with the intensity, and then Lupin was coming too.

After a few moments of post-coital panting, Lupin pulled Severus upright, and held him close. Severus was wearing a white shirt, somewhat crumpled, and socks. Lupin had only opened his flies and fucked Severus fully clothed. They were both rumpled and sweaty. The countertop was also somewhat the worse for wear.

"How long until they get here?" Lupin murmured in his ear.

"Another hour."

"I have to have a shower and then we'll call for takeaway."

"The cocktails will be homemade," Severus soothed.

"That's right. Chinese okay? You aren't going to start a row about the consistency of congee now, are you?"

"Whatever you like."

"Prat." Lupin kissed him.