"...only to worry that I'll become her."
Jun. 29th, 2009 02:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
schemingreaderWhat do you do when you are ready to be a mom, but your mom was, for whatever reason, not ready when she had you? If your mom made parenting mistakes that you feel damaged you, you've got more than one problem. I was terrified of parenting for this reason, even though I love to hang around with children. Hey, there are about a million jokes that I know that they've never heard. I knew I could connect with children before I had a child, but could I deal with being the mom? Did my own childhood ruin me to be a mother, either because of the anger I carry from not having my emotional needs met, or because my mom was an imperfect role model?
I got over my fear and I had a baby, finally, at age 36. I'm not perfect, but so far I seem to be doing all right. (My kid, on the other hand, is spectacular, but I'll try to restrain myself from explaining why just now.) I think Theresa Strasser's piece, Inner Child, Meet New Baby, Please Don't Smother It does a damned good job of dealing with this question. You know, "If my mom gave me a sucky childhood, do I have to give the same to my kid?" Her mom wasn't the most abusive or neglectful I've heard of--my mom clearly hit me more than hers hit her, but was also more loving and more responsible, I think. But the kicker, to me, is her mom gave her dad custody of the children when they divorced--the year the writer was three. When her father remarried, her stepmother decided that they should give custody back to the writer's mom.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. How could they do that?
But she's funny about it.
She's made her peace with her mom, albeit a cool peace achieved only after a period of not speaking to her at all. Sometimes you have to do that.
Interested to hear what you have to say about this.
I got over my fear and I had a baby, finally, at age 36. I'm not perfect, but so far I seem to be doing all right. (My kid, on the other hand, is spectacular, but I'll try to restrain myself from explaining why just now.) I think Theresa Strasser's piece, Inner Child, Meet New Baby, Please Don't Smother It does a damned good job of dealing with this question. You know, "If my mom gave me a sucky childhood, do I have to give the same to my kid?" Her mom wasn't the most abusive or neglectful I've heard of--my mom clearly hit me more than hers hit her, but was also more loving and more responsible, I think. But the kicker, to me, is her mom gave her dad custody of the children when they divorced--the year the writer was three. When her father remarried, her stepmother decided that they should give custody back to the writer's mom.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. How could they do that?
But she's funny about it.
Being pregnant for the first time I’m scared and I want my mommy. I just don’t want my mommy.
My mom hates babies and kids, always has. She didn’t put her cigarette out on my arm or throw me in a pit of snakes, but having kids just wasn’t her diaper bag, and it showed.
I’m not here to trash my mother, only to worry that I’ll become her.
She's made her peace with her mom, albeit a cool peace achieved only after a period of not speaking to her at all. Sometimes you have to do that.
Interested to hear what you have to say about this.
