sim | (no subject)

Due to snowpocalypse and my internet connection shitting out on me, I've accumulated this huge backlog of Cohen updates. THIS FAMILY IS A DRUG, I SWEAR. And TS2 just moves faster than TS3 (also the Sims are just a bit more interesting).

Last time...well, last time. Highlights? We met our founder, Cynthia Cohen. She met a guy named Sam, and apparently Cynthia + Sam = WHAT IS THIS FOREIGN OBJECT, THIS STOVE? Cynthia later gave birth to a girl, Monica, and Sam died. Because he just couldn't figure out his way around the kitchen and starved to death.

Much like what Cynthia is currently doing. Starving to death.

But dying takes a back seat to mass dating, so it's off to the matchmaker we go.

Cynthia: /attempted tickle
Von Dutch: HANDS OFF YOU BLOATED SLUT.

Cynthia: /attempted sex
Von Dutch: SEX, YOU SAY?!

As previously mentioned, Cynthia does in fact have a kid. She...just forgets sometimes.

This guy comes around a lot, which is both perplexing to both Cynthia and me because he's made it clear he wants nothing to do with her.

This moment right here is the closest thing they've had to mother-daughter bonding by far.

This one would go well with Cynthia, yes? Except I am very iffy on his genetics

I'm sorry, bbgurl, crying within a fifteen-foot radius of your mother will not get her to pay attention to you.

Growing up, that might get her attention for all of maybe five minutes.

GOOD JOB SO FAR, SAM

Cynthia: Now that you're older, I hope you can understand why I had to leave you on your own for most of your toddlerhood...
Monica: ...no, I...don't...

Let's see what Sam's left us with, shall we?

A boy, Heath, with his mother's hair and eyes and a mid skintone.

...fucking twins. This one is named Nate and has all of his brother's colorings. DAMN YOU, SAM.

Yep. No wants for the babies, just for pleasure sim stuff.

She doesn't even mind that the nanny is trying to fling her daughter across the street or some shit, she's so out of this supposed motherhood occupation.

The twins' birthday comes quickly, since there is nothing much other than Cynthia doing her dating thing and angry old men following her from work hoping to get some action.

Here's Heath.

And BAWWWWWWWWINATE.

Heath decided it would be fun if he was the eternally deprived one who always has to let everyone know how much he is failing his aspiration.

I don't understand you haven't had needs long enough to be failing :(

Shunning motherhood does have its benefits, I guess? The old man playing catch with your daughter in the middle of the night is kind of questionable.

Just saying.

Heath is crying because you probably forgot all about him after two pictures.

If your want to learn a nursery rhyme is fulfilled, will you stop?

Heath: LIKE HELL YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME SIT NEXT TO A USED DIAPER JUST TO LISTEN TO YOU SING AT ME LIKE I'M SOME IDIOT. NO.

Cynthia always brings this guy home. He's the same old guy from before, he just remembered to bring his hair along this time.

Heath: MOMMY PLEASE--
Cynthia: I'VE LEFT YOU A BOTTLE AND A PAPER TO PISS ON, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Heath: D: YOU HORRIBLE PERSON.

Cynthia: Right. Whatever. GET OUT OF MY WAY.

That's right. Things are so bad that the childcare agency feels the need to send two nannies to the Cohen household.

Oh, Heath. Cry as loud as you want, your mother's not going to pay attention.

Monica please stop doing this dangerous thing.

Pregnant, are we? I wonder who the father could be?

Though Cynthia may not give two shits about Heath, may it never be said that she was a completely absent mother. She probably pays more attention to Nate than she does the other two combined. Which probably isn't saying much, though, now that I think about it.

..uh. Sure, Mon. Sure. Have fun doing that.

This guy moves in, because he's the mystery baby's father. His name is Topher and already he's fitting in well with the family.

...but seriously, he's an altered clone of a teen model so I don't have high hopes.

THIS WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD IS FILLED WITH GEMS.

Heath and Nate: GET US DOWN. LOVE US.

Sorry, boys, your mother would rather eat a rotting bowl of bean shit than expend any energy on you guys. :(

Ahh. Well, it's a good thing we have a butler this time around.

oic your Nate bias, Cynthia. >:

That or you've got an extremely clever plot to off your children in the works.

Heath: ...I would be willing to smash my skull against the ceiling too, if it would get you to take even the smallest glance at me.

Time for the twins to grow up! It's such an exciting moment, let me tell you. Note how everyone comes to see Nate grow up. And no, Monica's not watching Heath, she's probably just...applying for med school, or something.

Sur-fucking-prise.

Heath: JESUS

Heath: FFFFFFFFUUU-

Still having fun being the eternally deprived one who always has to let everyone know how much he is failing his aspiration?

Heath after a quick makeover.

And Nate, who looks a lot like his brother.

Heath: I HATE YOUR FACE. MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

And then he'll go off and cry, because he has ten nice points and he doesn't understand why Nate would want to poke him.

Nate: BAWWWWWW ;_;
Cynthia: ....................................................................................get out.

Nate: YEAH. YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING, SERIOUSLY, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU IN THE HOUSE.

See Heath look what you gone did.

He's not failing in the aspiration department anymore, but he still makes pretty bad choices.

Nate: TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO BREAK MY NOSE.

It isn't enough that he's annoyed the everliving hell out of the other three; he has to make Monica hate him as well.

Monica: Seriously, I would have been your BEST FRIEND, too! :(

It ends up pretty much how you'd expect this to end up. One picks on him while the other waits in line to jump on him as soon as the other one is done.

Cynthia: GOOD JOB SHUTTING HIM UP.

Cynthia: GOOD JOB, BOTH OF YOU.

Ghost of Sam: HAHA! I AM RUINING THIS FAMILY GENETICALLY AND FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, HAHA!

And in the midst of all this hate, a baby is born.

A boy, Eli, with his brother's colorings, save for his eyes which are his father's.

Topher: Wait, what the fuck, I only signed up for the sex.

Topher: If I have to help raise that thing, I swear to God I'll leave.

Cynthia: ....................................... /dumps Eli into Topher's arms

With that face you wouldn't be able to tell that Topher has a secondary Family aspiration.

More fighting? Must be a Monday morning.

And Heath wins every time, for no particular reason at all.

Heath: SO YEAH I JUST BEAT UP OUR OLDER SISTER, YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

Heath: I HATE YOU HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO CON ME INTO BEING YOUR FRIEND?

I'm watching you, old guy.

Ghost of Sam: SURPRISE, BITCH, ENJOY THE MESS.

Good work, Cynthia. A few more inches and you would have had the honor of being one of the select few mothers out there who could proudly say that they have pissed on their own child.