Hello. I'm here, now. I mean, again.

I'm doing well today. I'm fine, nothing extraordinary, but still, I'm fine. I'll take it.

I hope I don't do more harm than good.

I was about to post a status saying that I had a pretty basic, but alright day! But... Well. I think it says a lot that the only thing that actually made my mood go significantly down today is a message from my sister.

I'm so angry lately, I hate feeling like this, it's the hardest emotion for me to handle.

Hey, uhm, brain... if you're gonna complain, make my head hurt and so on because of the lack of sleep I'm giving you, how about, you, oh gee, I don't know, LET ME SLEEP WHEN I TRY?! Can we do that?! This is getting ridiculous!

Insomnia is just a part of my life, now, it seems... maybe it always has been and it's just one of those things that I'm slowly understanding and adding to the "oh, that's not normal actually" pile.

So, I don't know if I'm entering a new hormonal phase, or if it's me stopping my antidepressants and I hope to everything that it's not a testosterone spike, but, uuuhh....

My body is changing. :$

I would've made an amazing commando, honestly. My qualifications in terms of self-sabotage are quite exceptional.

I just want to burn it all to the fucking ground.

Broken record brain.

Things could be so easy if I didn't spend so much energy on making things harder for myself.

The positive self-talk will continue until morale improves.

Anxious about being anxious. Again. Anxiety. So much anxiety. Anxieties everywhere to the point getting meta anxieties.

Sorry transphobic cis girl in my bus, I just rock the whole girl thing better than you. :3

no. i'm not winning, caretaker.

I have a very strong urge to meow but my girlfriend is sleeping. I've had that urge all morning.

Playing "" and I'm fucking hooked on it!

thinking of leaving the more "public" internet all together and just go hide away in a corner with nothing pushed on anyone's timeline or anything like that. just a place pretty much no one knows about where i'll do whatever i do on the internet.

I was thinking about opening a blog again, but... erh, what's even the point? *Hey, let's make another article about where every article is a variation of the fact that I'm depressed and that it sucks... again. Yeah, the internet needs more of that, I'm sure.

Does it make me less trans if I—

No. No, it doesn't. Shush, brain. You're being silly again.

...and back to depression.

I slept roughly 21 hours of the last 24s. Guess I needed it.

Damn, I'm in a good mood this morning, for some reason.

Finally managed to escape my microsleep hell prison.

Feeling like I'm being a bit overbearing, right now. I'm doing this thing again where I'm emotionally overcompensating for anxieties that I'm trying to surpress, which ironically makes me look really anxious and makes me really obnoxious as well.

Currently listening to the album

#NowPlaying #nothingnowhere

eepy

Currently listening to the album on #Qobuz

#NowPlaying

Falling asleep to

I feel it again. This urge is needed to isolate and hide away from the people who I love. To stay alone. Where nobody can hurt me... and where I can't hurt anyone.

The girl people described me as sounds cool. I wish I could live up to what people imagine me as...

Her special somebunny.

You know what? I think I'm doing pretty good for myself, all things considered.

#NowPlaying

Moving to Qobuz!

I feel like sending a message to everyone around me to tell them that I'm sorry we've ever crossed path, sorry that you've met me.

I'm stuck in microsleep hell. Every time I close my eyes, I immediately starts dreaming about something.

Deleted my YouTube account.

Self-esteem shrinkflation

Too hungry to sleeeeep! It's annoyiiiing-aaah!

I just wrote a bit of fiction. It's been a while. I don't always have the energy or the creative impulses to do it but every time I do... Yup. There's just nothing else like it.

Inside me there are two bunnies. One is exhausted and desperately wants to sleep, and the other... is ADHD.

I say good morning, but what I really mean is good night.

My weather app is false advertisement, aaah! The big number is bullshit! What matters is the "feels like" number. And it's 10 whole fucking degrees Celsius above the actual temperature. Tomorrow it's going to be in the 40s. AND THAT'S THE BIG NUMBER, NOT THE "FEELS LIKE"! AAAAAAAAAAHHH

Status 51.

Lied to a someone who I hadn't talked to in years, let them deadname me, don't tell them that I'm trans, told them that I'm fine, that I'm still working even though I haven't worked in more than two years because I'm disabled and I'm ashamed. I'm afraid of being shamed for not working while everybody else does. Often think about finding a job again even though I know it would only harm me. I feel guilty and privileged.

Lied to a loved one, told them that I'm doing fine even though I'm not but I'm too afraid of being honest, that telling people that today I'm, once again, depressed and lacking sleep will make them cut themselves from me. I tell people that I'm not doing well, delete my messages, pretend that everything is just fine, keep it all to myself, smiling holding back tears, hugging them as "a show of affection" hoping no one ever realizes that I'm desperately holding on to them.

I'm surrounded by people, but I feel so alone because I'm just that incapable of being honest with people. I stay alone out of fear of being alone. I'm my own vicious cycle.

can't do it
not good enough

You will find no better example of the sunk cost fallacy than not sleeping during a night, making it all the way to morning, and thinking, "Eh, fuck it, might as well go on with it. I'll sleep better tonight" and very quickly regretting it in the middle of your day because you're just exhausting and desperately need to sleep.

And of course, you will make that mistake, think to yourself never again. And... Here you are. Again.

Embracing my furryness and getting even fluffier!

"I stay alone because I'm afraid of being alone. I give up because I'm afraid of being abandoned..."

I'm stuck, unable to go to sleep because I'm paralyzed by the idea that somebody is going to buzz my door and wake me up in less than six hours. I fucking hate getting deliveries.

Looking at porn (but safe for both work and minors (3D renders of Star Wars ships)).

I'm reaching a point where I can say without exaggeration that, at the moment, mosquitoes are ruining my life.

Lethargic.

Self-loathing is my worst addiction.

Why am I like this?

Every word could be the wrong one, and every question could be a trick question. The world becomes a minefield and every step is a potential landmine. Why won't it just shut the fuck up and let me be in peace for once?

Look at me openly flirting with people on Fedi for fun! That's character development, right there!

Just want to lock myself in my room like a child.

Playing Counter-Strike: Condition Zero because I'm a certified weirdo!

Afraid of everything and everyone.

Can't remember the last time I had eight hours of sleep uninterrupted...

I have the approval of my mirror today. It sees a girl and it even think that she has pretty eyes. Yay!

Mental unhealth.

Ten minutes of work. Forty minutes of rest. Repeat.

Feeling unlovably worthless.

I'm too afraid of posting an honest status because I'm anxious that it'll drag down the people reading it, because I would be posting yet another depressed / anxious / negative status, which feels like it's all I'm doing... and honestly, that's a good status update on its own. It's "telling", I'd say.

Watch me take days to do what could be done in a single hour...

Why are you like this, brain?

Another day, another terrible night....

There's comfort in remaining silent.

"I don't wanna talk. I just want to sleep it off."

Not really having the highest of opinions about myself right now.

I hate getting deliveries. It doesn't mix at all with my cocktail of neurospices, especially the whole ADHD and anxiety parts of it. It stresses me out. It prevents me from sleeping. It blocks me the entire day. I hate it. I really hate it.

It feels like I only have three or four hours worth of energy in a day before it just suddenly crashes back to shutting down and feeling sleepy.

It hasn't been easy lately.

Exhausted.

Feeling very... puppy, right now.

Crippling anxiety. It's always there. It's the first thing I feel when I wake up, because it twists my dreams around it when I try to escape it through sleep. It just won't leave me alone.

Just managed to go through my "morning" routine quite quickly. I took my meds, I applied my HRT gel, I even brushed my hair. I am now out to do some grocery shopping and I even took the trash on my way out even though it wasn't really full but just because it was almost full and it was just more convenient for me to do it now than later. Holy shit, I think I'm turning into an actual adult.

Sleeping it all off.

Woke up feeling extremely dysphoric and anxious. It's not going away.

Some truths you can't come back from.

The inside of my body is cooler than what's outside of it. I don't think it was built for this.

Sleep debt so large it'd cause a stock market crash.

Seeing my therapist once a week, now. Some fights I can't win alone and doing my best wasn't enough. It's only a defeat if I deem it to be, so I won't. I want to celebrate my pride, not face it.

My breasts have been growing a lot lately. It hurts, but it hurts so good.

Men are tiring and scary.

I just brushed my hair. It's been two months since the last time I did it.

I've been having a couple of good days lately and I can tell how massively improved my mental health feels from that alone. I need to keep this going.

I was feeling mischievous and I needed to go to the bathroom, so I combined my two newfound passions and I applied a nice "a trans woman peed here and nobody died 🏳️‍⚧️⚧️" sticker I kept in my backpack for mischevous bathroom emergencies in the bathroom I went to. :3

Wow, I don't feel like awful today! I didn't wake up drenched in anxiety. I don't feel too tired. You love to see it.

GODDAMN MOSQUITOS! AAAAH!

I'm starting to have minor visual hallucinations due to sleep deprivations... yeah that's not good.

Anxious. Always so anxious these last few days...