Dear diarheaa..

(Or the day before... since it's past midnight and I'm writing this at Shane's encouragement.)

• I woke up around 11am, but went back to sleep. Then woke up around 1pm for real, took a hydroxizine, and sat up at my computer. I know I will feel better if I do not sleep all day. It's very hard to not sleep all day, because my body is constantly wanting to shut down. If I am to stay awake, I need something to occupy my mind or look forward to, such as going out.

• We went out in the afternoon, and I warded off my typical car-sickness and nausea by listening to music on earbuds on my phone. It was my Jack playlist, full of 70's and 80's boomer radio stuff, and I love my nasty baby boy very much. This was Shane's suggestion, as usual. The music helps pass the time, and gives me something to focus on rather than the bumpy road and air freshener smell.

• While we were walking around, I found myself dizzy and light-headed. I think I'm currently very overstimulated, so lights, sounds, and especially scents make me feel sick. So I stayed close to Shane, and we just looked for stuff together. It's nice to just look at Stuff and comment on it. That keeps me distracted from my own thoughts, which is good.

• It's really incredible that nowadays you can just find Naruto and BNHA crap at Target or Walmart. Nerd stuff really is mainstream. I remember looking at some Jujutsu Kaisen figure, going "huh", walking away, and then some guy running up to it to grab it. Hope he enjoyed it. I got a corduroy Bulbasaur doll. There was a Pikachu, Charmander, and Squirtle. Wish I could have grabbed them all. Bulbasaur's green color and this strange pucker in the top of his bulb that you can stick your finger in drew me in the most.

• You know you're An Adult when the home section is the most interesting part of the store. I especially love the relatively random assortment of crap you can find at Ross or TJ Maxx. Like, you don't really find ENERGY CRYSTAL books or sculptures of hollow heads at Target y'know? We got some stuff for the kitchen, some boba flavored jelly beans, and a doggie toothbrush with toothpaste.

• The toothbrush is double-sided so I'll use the big side for Jack and the little side for Jill. When we got home I brushed their teeth, and Jill's gums were a little bleedy. I should brush her teeth right now, and keep up her dental hygiene. Jack's teeth are pretty strong (still need to be maintained), but Jill has smelly breath and I'd rather her not get dental disease in her old age like Lil Bit.

• We got some groceries to make dinner. We got Target "butter chicken" curry, which is pretty tasty but you need a lot of bottles to really get the full flavor. We tried looking for eggplants but it seems the stores are all pretty barren right now. So we just put in a bunch of chopped veggies we had at home.

• At home, we finished up Baki with Splask. And I inked part of a comic commission in the intermissions. Baki is a great distractor because it's utterly insane in a way that's very easy to follow (but still have your mind blown with every fucked up thing that happens).

The overall thing I can learn from this is that I need something to do and distract myself with. Right now I'm just sort of sobbing in bed watching streams, but that's not mentally stimulating enough to get me to stop sobbing. It just makes me lay in bed and not-sleep, which in turn makes me feel bad. When I'm able to work on drawings, I don't feel quite as bad. I WANT to draw. I want to finish commissions, and I want to draw stuff for myself. But it takes a lot of energy to just do things right now. And I usually am bursting with ideas, not enough time in the day to draw, but right now my brain is really dead and even if I think of an idea I feel like I don't have the energy to execute it.

I should continue to wake up "early", at least before evening. I just need to find something to do and not just fall back asleep. Also I need my body to stop having a nervous breakdown every hour. Hopefully the feeling will fade, and I'll figure something out with my psychiatrist.

goo goo ga ga okay time to brush Jill's teeth.