This is like, the non-tl;dr version of my chicken soup mixed with some other fandom-y stuff and... whatever else, stream of thought.


I still haven't replied to most of the comments there, but first, and because a few people contacted me about it later:

re: I DON'T LIKE DRAMAING IT UP BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE LIKES DEALING WITH DRAMA
I know a bunch of people who are actually more than okay with this! And who enable me more than half of the time. I DON'T FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THEM, but... more with myself? As in, whenever I get my charas involved in srs plots I feel like I'm being attention whorish even if they don't really share the feeling! They don't judge me because I do all the judging myself and I end up feeling D8 anyway.

Which is... sob, where do I even start. I AM A SUCKER FOR CAST-PLAYING I don't care if it's cliqueish or whatever, you can pretty much get me to app anyone if I like the canon and there's a good cast at the game. The problem is I also sometimes become a little dependent on castmates in the sense that I'll put off plots/events if people are busy and/or hiatusing or if everyone can't be on at the same time. SOMETIMES THINGS JUST NEVER GET DONE BECAUSE OF THIS. And this isnt' me being angry at castmates because of this or anything like that, just... I wish I wasn't didn't rely so much on them. MULTI-FANDOM, YEAH, but that's also why pretty much all of my characters would get dropped in a second if their Relevant Canon People dropped (this is also which, while I enjoy cross-canon pairings, I usually only get my charas in "canon" ones).

And just... more uncomfortableness. I know I've largely made myself unavailable to play with because I never go into mainchan anymore and a lot of the time I have an away/working nick on IRC. And because of things like this I often miss events/ongoing plots and I don't get to jump people I want to thread with because I am really not the type to stalk other people's posts for them (unless I am 100% sure they will be there). And like I mentioned before, a lot of the time I fail at following through with camp effects or stuff like that because posting = WAH OVERWHELMING and if I don't post I just... don't get to thread with everyone I want to (unless I do the LOL STALKING LOL thing). Then I end up keeping my characters deaged for weeks and it's all very awkward, especially when Camp is a game where game time = RL time. Or like I was telling Hime the other day, I also feel all sorts of D8 when A MONTH PASSES BY and I don't thread with roommates/castmates and... duhrrr.

Camp is too big for me, now. There was a time when I would know every single player and who they played (even if I'd never actually threaded with them) but nowadays I even have trouble keeping track of the characters my friends play. I rarely get excited over apps/people commenting to the beta posts, I never answer serious polls, etc etc. I DON'T LOVE CAMP LIKE I USED TO and I am 100% aware of it, but... I just really have no idea how to fix this.

It doesn't help that I am hardcorely cheating on Camp with Sabra and that... my main at Sabra is a character whose canon I am completely head over heels in love with at the moment. And Sabra is tiny and full of terrible people and just SLOW (both in the IC and OOC sense) but at the same time plot-heavy and... events are always game-wide and BLAH BLAH. It's like Sabra gives me all those little things Camp doesn't and yet DOESN'T DEMAND ATTENTION OR HARDCORE THREADING OR ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME and bawwww. I feel bad but that's just how it is.

Another reason why I'm uncomfortable at Camp, going back a bit, I also greatly stop myself from taking my characters too far from canon because BACK IN THE DAY, we had lots of audience. I audienced for a long while myself and one of the things I loved best about Camp was how everyone was so amazingly IC. You could wander off for a month, come back, and still recognize the characters from canon. I joined Camp with the idea that I was not only roleplaying for myself, but for audience and other people and that we all played to entertain ourselves as much as other people, so staying IC and true to canon was super important. Of course, after you've had a character stuck there for over 4 years not having them develop in some ways would be completely OOC too, but I feel like there are certain lines I just could never ever cross no matter what NOT BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF GETTING CRITTED but because I know that's not how it's supposed to be. I want people who are new to CFUD to read my threads and still be able to recognize the characters they know from canon in my threads.

And in Sabra this is a concept that... does not always apply. Not only because it is a tiny, obscure game, but because many characters change completely without their memories and they DEVELOP as they start getting them back and... very few things are OOC. It's not so much as staying true to canon but poking around and experimenting and seeing what sort of things happen to them when certain things happen to them.

SLIGHT TANGENT: I've been missing my OCs for a while now. Not only playing them, but creating more OCs. Building them from scratch and watching them develop and ALL THAT. Vocaloid RP and Sabra have helped some with this, but they're not 100% original charas so there's some of that craving still. I WOULDN'T PLAY IN AN OC GAME EVEN IF YOU PAID ME because I have very little faith in LJRP but that takes me to another point which is:

I WANT TO WRITE. I haven't written anything since the summer because the springkink prompts from the last round were completely sucky and if I don't have deadlines to meet, with work/life raep and everything I just... don't write. One of the things I'm looking forward to the most this holidays is the fact that I'll actually be free to fool around and poke at all the writing I've been meaning to do since months ago. I OWE PEOPLE AND MYSELF A LOT OF FIC, SO YEAH. And... I want to get back into the habit of drawing again I KNOW I'VE SAID THIS A HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE but now I'm actually thinking of getting myself a new scanner/tablet in order to force myself into doing it. And there's also maybe going back to Japanese in January and just PLANS! DISTRACTIONS! FANDOM STUFF THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE ROLEPLAY. If I was a more organized person I'd be able to juggle it with work and roleplay, but once again, Camp sometimes moves too fast (and I end up playing even WHEN I SHOULD BE WORKING just because an awesome post goes up) and Sabra just has... completely slow/dead periods where you can just take things at your own pace and I could actually use that time for OTHER STUFF, so.

I love my Camp lineup like I'm blind. I know I will probably seethe with rage the moment the drops get reapped because I am Like That, but at this point I'm just treating Camp like another Dressing Room and it isn't fair to anyone to just keep sitting on those characters. December is my Last Chance month... or it would be if I hadn't spent the past two weeks swamped with work and stuck without paid time (because I also refuse to give LJ more money until they tell us whether there will be a holiday promotion or not), but I think it is pretty much a fact that I need to drop a bunch of people and IDK, MAYBE APP SOMEONE NEW OR MAYBE NOT. I've thought that I probably also need fresh blood in my lineup because even though I only apped Hawkeye 4 months ago, all of my others are a year+ (ish) old and they're completely played out. I JUST. I DON'T KNOW. I guess I'll figure out as soon as I seriously start acting on this all, but first I wanted to get my feelings on the matter sorted out and... yeah.

I am probably forgetting stuff here, but that's the gist of my camp situation. I LOVE IT AND THE PEOPLE THERE, but it's like the spark is gone now and... well, after four years I guess it makes sense. It's sad. I don't think I'll be able to drop altogether just yet, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that moment doesn't feel closer and closer and... yeah. ._.; BAH, I FEEL SO OLD. MAYBE THIS IS REALLY JUST A PHASE AND I'LL KEEP PLAYING A DOZEN CHARAS THERE FOR ANOTHER SIX YEARS but in the meantime this is how I feel and I needed to sit and get it all out of my head once and for all. I'M SORRY IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THROUGH THIS ALL. :x




Originally posted on 2009-12-16.