Because people are doing apping plans/state of the union things on plurk but I just have TOO MANY THINGS TO SAY and TOO MANY FEELINGS so here, I'm just going to babble and vent until my fingers get tired.


re: SABRACEMBER.

I won't lie! I was very :/ at this and only played in it for like 20 comments because hnnngh. Okay, it started with TONS OF PLOT GOING ONS IN THE SPAN OF DAYS while I was being completely owned by work (as I tend to). I am almost never on IRC because it is super distracting, especially if I'm working, so by not being on IRC and swamped with RL I pretty much missed out on all of the happenings and plottings and gdocs and shit. I wanted to try and play anyway because I didn't want to be game-less for a whole month (since Sabra is my only organized game at the time), but then WORK HAPPENED AGAIN and it killed all of my will to do absolutely anything at all. IN THE END, Sabracember was good for me because I could just chill and focus on other stuff without having to hiatus/miss out on games and shit, but at the same time it... kind of killed my groove? I FEEL SO UNINVESTED IN THE GAME RIGHT NOW. As it's been mentioned in previous posts in this LJ, I am always on and off with Sakura and when all the plotsuff went down I was doing REALLY BAD WITH HER. I love Bunnycorn and her CR, but I suck at having the energy/time to properly play her and blaaaahrgh. Which sucks because I still have things I want to do with her right now, but I'm not sure if I will be able to.

As seen on previous posts, too, Shiki was a near-drop a couple of months ago, after Soujirou went and all. It didn't happen because she got SHIKI back and that made things a lot more awesome to me, but at the time I also don't feel like... super attached to her or anything? I STILL HAVE MEMORIES I WANT HER TO GET BACK and I still totally want her to win with Mikiya when/if he comes back, but again... effort. /)_(\ Though it helps that she is an anti-social type and her CR is pretty well-established, so I'll just keep trudging on.

And then Shinra who is my forever boy. I LOVE HIM, he is super fun and interesting to me, he's messed up in the head, I love Uraeus and he's been developing interesting CR, but... at the same time. I STILL REALLY REALLY WANT A CELTY. This is all my own fault for apping a character who is so completely devoted to another one that... is trapped in a rock of misery and death. IT'S INTERESTING TO PLAY WITH but also kind of tiring and sad, I AM A SHIPPER I WANT TO PLAY MY SHIP RARGH. But again, I have terribad luck with getting other people to app partners/SO's to my charas so blaaaahrgh.

And I still have people I really want to app here, but at the same time, with my time constraints and the level of involvement required, I should probably just... drop down to two and leave it at that.

ABRUPT CHANGE OF TOPIC:

re: CFUD CHRISTMAS LETTERS.

I kept waffling over these. At first I didn't even remember they existed, then I was reminded and read through some of them and thought it would be nice to have my characters write. "OH I'LL JUST DO IT ON CHRISTMAS" but now it's Christmas and I still haven't written anything and I don't... feel like doing it, either. THERE IS A THING I HAVE NEVER MENTIONED OPENLY and the thing is I don't feel particularly positive about CFUD at all. CFUD has become that ex you dated for many years and who you shared wonderful times with and who somehow shaped who you are nowadays... but then towards the end of the relationship the magic completely died and they became sort of a douche and nowadays thinking about them just mostly brings up sadness and bitterness. THAT IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT CFUD, even now, nearly a year after having dropped.

So... while my drop was really badly handled, ICly, I still don't feel 100% comfortable going back there and trying to make up for that. There's a few people I absolutely adore who I terribly miss talking to and playing with and I really feel indebted to them and like their characters deserve something nice to make up for my ragequitting the game like that. But... it's just so hard. I'm just someone who can forgive but not forget and asdjfdk. See when something/someone hurts me I feel awful and cry and get angry and SUPER EMOTIONAL. But then I step back and rationalize and my self-defense systems kick in and make it so that in the future, if something similar happens, I won't be hurt by it anymore! It's helpful and effective and also kind of sad, because it makes me distance myself from things and people I once loved but it's also what helps me get by in life. And... again, this is how I feel about CFUD. I'm a small part-bitter, a small part-sad, a small part-guilty, and a huge part-I just don't care anymore.

And this is what has also kind of... "ruined" me for other organized games? I love Sabra, but it will never mean as much to me as CFUD once did. I could probably drop it today and feel a little sad but mostly it'd just mean I'd have more time to dedicate to other fannish things that in all honesty mean a lot more to me right now (watching/reading new stuff, drawing and producing vocaloid stuff, doing a better job of maintaining singing_robots, writing1!! etc.) Annnnd it doesn't help that right now I have lots of RP plans with ankari (who is my One True RP Partner) that may or may not come to fruition but if they do they would pretty much satisfy everything and anything I need from RP at the time so.


Yeah.

This is how I feel right now. 8D;;