zandroid | Alex & Kyle

Alex & Kyle

There were plenty of gay bars that he could go to, but Alex wasn't in the mood to try to get laid. He just wanted a drink or two and maybe a dance. Since he wasn't going for sex, it didn't matter who he danced with. Of course, he hadn't decided that until he'd already made the two hour trip to Tampa and checked into his hotel for the weekend. He decided that he wasn't going to beat himself up for it. Better he stick to his routine or else people would get suspicious when he decided he did want to go out for a night on the town. Now they'd probably just assume he had some girlfriend off-base.

He wandered the street, grabbing some dinner first, and then letting himself be drawn to the club by the sound of the music. He wanted something loud enough to get lost in. A place where he could close his eyes and pretend he was anywhere but where he was. Training wasn't over, but he could see its end looming and he knew what came after that. And he'd put himself into that situation in the first time.

He flashed the bartender a smile and chatted with her a bit, ordering a beer and making it clear that he wasn't flirting. By the time he was ready to get on the dance floor, he'd managed to convince her to hide his jacket behind the bar so he wouldn't have to wear it or risk it getting stolen. And then he went on the dance floor to lose himself.

He didn't discriminate who he danced with, though he didn't initiate, either. So most of the people who danced with him were women, but there was the occasional bold man who decided to see if he was up for a dance. He was, though he made it a point not to seem if he was interested in leaving with any of them, man or woman.

He closed his eyes and threw back his head and felt an odd surge of homesickness. He was beginning to doubt that he'd chosen the right course, but it was far too late to turn back now. The only way out was through.

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Florida had been, in Kyle's mind, a God send. Six months in the Sunshine state with some friends in his program. Classes during the day, partying at night, and surfing on the weekends. It was perfect and he had jumped on it.

And it's all he's been doing. Keeping his grades up, enjoying himself, and partying hard enough that he sometimes wonders what he'll remember when he gets back to his regular classes.

At the clubs he just lets himself enjoy. Not caring who he's dancing with, what drinks he has, just so long as he gets poured into a cab and gets back to the dorm.

That night though he's had a couple of beers and considered cutting himself off. The first swells from a hurricane out in the middle of nowhere were hitting the next day and he had plans to be there at the water's edge at dawn.

Yet spying someone on the dance floor could change all that.

At first he's sure that can't be him. It's been a couple of years since he saw Manes, but how could he ever mistake a face that he'd had dreams about?

Ordering a second beer at the bar, he weaves his way through the dancefloor, coming up beside Alex and offering him one of the bottles to him even as he moves in rhythm to the music, his jeans too tight and his tank ripped to bear most of his chest and back.

"If I didn't owe you an apology or three, I'd ask for a dance," he teases, hoping that he might be given a chance to give those apologies. "But let this be a start."

Edited 2020-11-20 22:14 (UTC)

That voice. That voice had haunted his nightmares for most of high school. And now it was here. Suggesting either an apology or a dance and either was enough to rattle him. Especially when he turned around and there Kyle was, standing in front of him with a beer in hand. Scratch that, with two beers in hand, one of them being offered in Alex's direction. For a minute, he wondered if he'd stepped right into the Twilight Zone.

Finally, he snatched the beer and drank a long pull from it. Jesus. Kyle fucking Valenti in the one city he'd taken to be safe haven. At least Kyle hadn't found him in a gay bar. As if Kyle would be in a gay bar. But that brought him right back to Kyle talking about a dance and that just refused to make sense. Or at least he refused to let it make any sense beyond the deranged mind of a kid who was in way over his head and who'd taken to letting a bit loose on the weekends to cope.

"What in the hell are you doing here, Kyle?"

Not that he had any idea where Kyle had ended up. If Liz had talked to him after their breakup, she very wisely hadn't mentioned it to him and he wasn't sure if he was big enough to forgive Kyle. Especially not when, under other circumstances, he might have been someone who could have convinced Alex to forget he'd planned on walking out of here alone.

That was the problem with Kyle. He'd been cute in middle school. After he'd grown into an asshole, he'd somehow morphed from cute to hot.

It's taking a chance and Kyle knows it. He could have walked away and gone somewhere else. Hell, he could have actually just kept doing his thing and seeing what Alex did if he ever spotted him. Any of those though would be pretending he hadn't done all he had to Alex though. It would be the cowards way out.

Alex deserve a lot from Kyle and none of it is him pretending he doesn't owe him, if nothing else, an apology.

"Six month study in the Sunshine state," he admits with a wide, bright smile. "Usually it's reserved for first year med students but they had a couple of openings for premed undergrads and I got one of the spots," he admits, laying a lot out there at once. Like his new path in life.

His expression sobers. "Look, I'm not looking to ruin your night but when I saw you I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Manes. You didn't deserve any of what I did to you and I don't expect forgiveness, but when I saw you, I knew I needed to say sorry," he says, stepping in close enough that he can be heard without yelling.

Damn but he still looks damn good, Kyle realizes and this close it's hard to ignore it. The sharpness of his eyes were something that Kyle always liked. Even the curve of his mouth in a frown. Damn, that had never not been hot which sucked after he'd made sure Alex was always frowning at him.

"Look, I'm not trying to ruin your night. I really did want to tell you how sorry I am and that you never deserved that and I suck. Okay? Just... have a good night, and tell them to put your drinks on my tab."

He's not sure what he was hoping for but he hadn't been hit yet so he'd gotten better than he deserved.

That should have been where Alex let it go. Kyle was a friend who had turned into a bastard in high school, but hormones and peer pressure could have that effect. Pressure, though not by a peer, was where he was after all. He got it. And that had been a decent enough apology, especially if it was the one time they were likely to see each other except maybe at their something-year high school reunion. So he started to nod slowly, taking him at his word. But there was something else bothering him.

He could feel Kyle, warm and not quite pressed up against him, but too close for comfort. And there was something about the way tht Kyle was looking at him. A suppressed hunger that he was finding hard to ignore. And then he was right back to shaking his head because seriously, fuck Kyle for everything he'd done to Alex over the years.

And now he wasn't just thinking about the snide comments and the terrorizing that Kyle had done. He was thinking about the locker room after gym. The way it had felt to conspire him back when they were kids and before puberty took its toll. He was thinking about the way...

"You asked me to dance," he said suspiciously. Straight friends did not dance with their gay friends. Not unless they were really comfortable in their own skin and even a couple of years wasn't going to do that to Kyle.

He continued to go through the beer as if it were water and he was dehydrated in the middle of the desert.

He knew it could have been enough, that it was just left there with him saying his apologies and leaving Alex to accept it or not. He knows he doesn't deserve forgiveness and he doesn't expect it even, but in the end he's glad for the chance to say it. Alex deserved it long before now.

Then came that question and he had wondered when that would come up again. He takes a breath, shrugging as if it's nothing but he knew better than that. He took a drink, glancing down and away and then back at Alex.

"Yeah, I did. It's what this place is for, right? Dancing?" Dancing. Hooking up. Drinking. He's doing some of it. "I... I mean, if you want to."

He knows it's asking a lot, especially since he's not really been in this place yet. Not with a guy. But ever since he had had that one kiss as a teenager, he started thinking about it. Even if he'd hidden that by being hateful, but since then he's thought about it more. He's realized he finds guys as hot as girls, but he hadn't moved on much more than that. A kiss one New Year's Eve, not much more than that though.

Seeing Manes though, he realized how much he wanted that second chance that he didn't deserve. Even if he's likely to get his ass kicked for even suggesting it, and he knows it.

Edited 2020-12-28 00:45 (UTC)

Was this Kyle's way of trying to come out to Alex? If so, it was a poor choice. Not that there was really a good choice, but trying to dance with him, seduce him? That was a really bad idea. But there was a part of him that wondered whether Kyle had changed. Whether this was his way of proving that he was comfortable enough with Alex that they could dance without it being a Thing. That maybe he could have his friend back given enough time. He was just cut off enough from friends that the idea of forgiving Kyle seemed within the realm of possibility. If this wasn't just some stunt.

"All right," he said slowly as he finished his beer. "Let's dance." Because the dance would prove Kyle's intentions, at least for the night. If it was just a dance or if it was a prelude to something more, either hitting on Alex or making fun of him.

He took Kyle's drink and put both bottles on the counter and then grabbed Kyle by the hand. First test. Would he shy away from being seen holding Alex's hand in public or would he be fine with it?

It didn't entirely hit Kyle that it was coming off like hitting on him entirely. Playful, sure, and trying to show he's changed, but it was definitely flirty though. Even if he didn't entirely mean it to be. At least not openly.

But when Alex agrees, he positively lights up. It feels like a weight lifting that he hadn't even thought he might ever leave behind but now it's a bit lighter.

His fingers curl against Alex's, practically bouncing. He may not be the best dancer, but his mom had made sure he had a clue on traditional and classic dances, and he can mostly hold his own.

Even if his heart is racing a bit, but he's assuming it's just that feeling that maybe he could try and work back to being friends with Alex after he had ruined it all.

It occurred to Alex to wonder when the last time he'd been this close to Kyle was and it had to have been before high school. As such, he'd never really been this kind of close to Kyle. And there was the second test. Instead of wrapping his arms around Kyle's neck, he took the stereotypically masculine role in this kind of club dancing and wrapped his arms around Kyle's waist, pulling him in close and letting Kyle decide what to do with his hands.

Was he making every effort to put some kind of wrench into whatever dubious plans that Kyle might have had? Absolutely. Usually it was Alex who was the one getting scared away, but with Kyle... With Kyle, he wanted to be the one who stayed. He'd gone to the Air Force Academy so he could fight his own battles and learn to win. There were really only two battles he'd ever had in his life. His father and Kyle. There was nothing he could do about his father, but he could be the one who'd made Kyle flinch.

"Is this what you were asking for?" he said, leaning in to murmur the words in Kyle's ear over the loud music.

Dancing with a guy isn't entirely odd to Kyle. Not any longer. The first time he'd been embarrassed. After that he'd gotten over it, and gotten over worrying what others thought.

Or he was at least good about pretending to not carry.

Now though he's not thinking about it. He's thinking about a second chance to have his friend back. A chance he hadn't thought he would have.

So when Alex's hands slide along his waist, he only hesitates a moment before sliding his arms around Alex's neck. Not clasping them behind his neck, hands hanging down and giving him a smile. Nothing coy or playful but just happy. He couldn't even find words for it but he was happy.

He nods at that, still grinning. "Yeah, that's about it," he says, leaning in enough that his breath likely brushes over Alex's ear. Just as Manes' breath had brushed over his ear and left him fighting not to shiver. "Thank you. For the chance and the dance."

It may not lead anywhere but he's thankful for the chance to even have this moment.

He didn't shudder, but Alex did close his eyes for a moment. There'd been a few times during his more twisted fantasies in high school when he'd thought about this. When he'd really thought about this, instead of this platonic dance between not-quite-enemies. And it was now not-quite because he could see that Kyle was trying. And Alex didn't want to be the kind of person who rejected this kind of effort.

He didn't respond immediately to Kyle's words and instead, kept dancing with him until the song switched to the next one. That was when he pulled back, almost reluctantly. There was a small part of him that didn't want to stop, but it was overwhelmed by the part of this that knew this could not happen for so many reasons. History being the top and Kyle's sexuality right under that.

"This was a good start," he said, stepping back to put distance between them. "I hope you keep it up," he added. Because this wasn't a start for them. Or at least Alex wasn't ready to let it be a start of anything for them. Not even an attempt to renew their friendship. For him, it was enough that Kyle was trying. It didn't necessarily have to be with him.

Alex wasn't the only one to think about this. He wasn't the only one that imagined how it could have been if not for Kyle's fear and stupidity. Yet he's not looking at that dream, that fantasy he'd carried for years, but for something else he'd lost. A friend he'd cared for deeply.

So despite those thoughts, those desires, he isn't willing to try and fulfill them. He just wants to try and have one thing back. His friend.

He nods, glancing away and down and then back to Alex.

"Meet me for lunch tomorrow? I know it's asking a lot but if you're willing to give me a chance to be who we could have been as friends, I'd appreciate the chance."

Alex took a deep breath. There was an urge he had to say yes. But a lot of his gut feelings tended to get him in trouble. So he took a step back and shook his head. It was better this way, really. Kyle always brought forward feelings of anger, confusion, heartbreak. Had actually been his first heartbreak when he'd found the will to kiss him and had not only been rejected, had been utterly destroyed for years after.

"That's probably not the best idea, Kyle." For either of them. It was easier to pretend to - or even to really - forgive him when he wasn't actually there. But he wasn't going to put it like that. Not when Kyle had actually made the effort. So he added, "I have to be back at the base first thing."

He had actually been planning on probably going back tomorrow. Not that he'd gotten what he wanted out of the night, but maybe he'd gotten something even better.

"Maybe some other time," he said, though he didn't really mean it.

Kyle doesn't realize he's holding his breath. Not until Alex shoots him down. Then he realizes how hard his chest hurts, and the disappointment of that floods through him as he denies the possibility of trying to rebuild all that Kyle had cost them.

He manages to nod though even as he exhales, hating how shaky it sounds to his own ears and glad that the sounds around them are likely to make it hard for Alex to hear.

"Yeah, that works. Some time."

He knows those words. Especially with it not being the best idea prefacing them. Some time is likely to be pretty close to never.

Looking around, he snatches a napkin off a table and pulls a ballpoint pen out of his pocket. He scribbles down a number on the napkin and hands it to Alex. "Just in case you have the time," he says, figuring he can at least tell himself later that he tried.

Alex looked at the napkin and fought to keep from spouting off an excuse at the look on Kyle's face. Too soon might have sounded like an excuse, but that's how Alex felt. There was no way he was going to process Kyle randomly showing up in his life again and offering an apology and maybe even - god help him - flirting. Or at least dancing. Not in one night. Not in a week of nights.

It was the right move. It was. But then why did he feel just a little guilty?

He curled his fingers around the napkin and stood up, taking out his wallet, folding the napkin, and sticking it in his wallet. Just because he didn't plan on calling it didn't mean he was going to be a complete asshole and let Kyle know that. He tucked his wallet back in and stayed standing.

"Sure." And then, "It was good seeing you." And that, at least, he meant. Mostly.

Kyle knows he's taken a chance, and it had paid off in a way. He wasn't bleeding on the ground, so that feels like a start. Of course, it might be a finish as well, and he knows it.

"It really was good to see you, Manes. Keep yourself out of trouble, okay?"

He steps back, giving him a nod and a last look before he turns to go. He'd taken a chance and he'd see how it goes.

Weeks went by, then months. Alex was sucked back into the world of the Air Force with his occasional weekend clubbing. He wouldn't have called it a good life, but he got by. He hadn't forgotten Kyle, exactly, but it also wasn't on the forefront of his mind. They'd left things closed, he thought. A better end to a messy, painful chapter and, he thought, the book as a whole.

In hindsight, it wasn't surprising when he ran into Kyle again. Sure, it was a big city and sure, it wasn't like when he did see Kyle again, it was in the same club he'd been going to when he wanted the night away from flirting with men he probably wouldn't see again, but he should have realized that their story wasn't done.

Especially when, as the months went by, he couldn't help but feel a little guilty that he'd sent Kyle away without at least giving him a chance.

That was the kind of person his father was, taking a person's faults and making it feel as if they were only the sum of their faults. Maybe he was following his father's path, but he was only going to follow it so far.

So when he saw Kyle enter the restaurant he'd decided on for breakfast, he raised a hand and called Kyle's name rather than let him sit down somewhere else.

Kyle isn't sure what he had expected when he'd run into Manes, but the truth is that he had a chance, he made his case, and in the end, he understands that Alex might never want to talk to him again. At least he got a chance to apologize.

It's not that he isn't thinking about Alex either, he's just working his ass off. This time in Florida is a lot of madness, and a lot of long hours. So he works and he thinks about him from time to time, and that morning he's just out for a serious breakfast. If only that he hasn't focused on food often enough in the last few weeks.

He's about to tell the hostess it's just him when he sees Manes... gesturing for him.

"Thanks but I see my party," he says, moving past her to where Alex is. "Hey. You're looking good."

Better than he had in night club lighting and he'd looked good then.

It hadn't just been his imagination. The few times he had thought about Kyle, it was to wonder a bit at some of the things he'd said, some of the things he'd done. Like offer to dance with Alex. And now here he was, saying that Alex looked good. When was the last time one of his friends said he looked good? At least one of his male friends. At least one of his male friends who wasn't trying to get into his pants.

So maybe he had a skewed perspective. Still, at least this time it didn't make him as uncomfortable. Maybe he was growing or maybe it was just that there wasn't the 'maybe he really is hitting on me' attitude of the club.

"You too for a..." He frowned. He knew Kyle had mentioned what kind of degree he was going after, but he couldn't for the life of him remember. Normally his memory was excellent, but he'd been a bit distracted by even seeing Kyle in the first place.

"Sorry, what were you going after?"

In the club Kyle had felt in his element. He had been there with a drink in him, dancing and enjoying himself. It had been really different from this. This was daylight and seeing every look in Alex's eyes.

He draws a breath, making a bit of a face. It stings that Alex hadn't remembered, though he could accept that it had been a lot of shock that night he supposes with Alex having to face his bully.

"I'm going to be a surgeon, actually. I'm working on my residency."

He pauses and then gestures to the chair opposite of Alex.

"Am I joining you?"

"Right. I think I remember you mentioning that." It had been a throwaway line and he'd been focused pretty much on everything else Kyle had been saying. Still, it was definitely not the usual route for the high school quarterback to go into medicine. He frowned a little when Kyle asked whether he was invited, but nodded.

"Of course. I do still owe you that breakfast."

And he hadn't been ready for breakfast then, but he thought he might be ready to have a friendly-ish conversation with Kyle now that there'd been a little time.

Edited 2021-09-06 23:54 (UTC)

Kyle's not surprised that Alex hadn't remembered. He's surprised he even invited him over. He'd been polite at the bar, and that was the best that Kyle could have hoped for. Yet he didn't look upset, smiling widely as he moves to pull out the chair and settle in across from Alex.

"Thanks. I really appreciate it," he says. "How have you been doing? Everything going okay?"

He's been busy himself, but he can't help but wondering if Alex would have ever called or coincidence just caught up with him.

"Probably the same as you. You're learning how to put things together, I'm learning to take them apart." He didn't mean people, although there was some of that, too. Mostly he was learning to take systems apart. And every time he thought he could just be a 'normal' college student, his dad sent him an email or called him and reminded him just how much he was keeping track of Alex and his burgeoning career.

It was only these outings to the city that were free of his father's influence. Only these visits when he felt like he could be himself.

And now he was sharing part of them with...Kyle of all people. Still a twist he was going to have to wrap his head around.

"I hope it's giving you half as much as my training is then." Sure there's tears and pain and loss, but he finally feels like he's doing something that truly makes a difference, that he's being the man he wants to be.

He pauses a moment, the words casual but then his expression turns serious.

"I mean that. I really do hope you're getting out of it what you want and need."

Because as he's aged, he's started putting a few things together, little things but enough to make him wonder, and guess. Enough to make him want Manes to have a better life than his childhood. A childhood that Kyle had helped ruin.

And Alex had to look away then. Because this wasn't what he wanted. It'd never been what he wanted. What he wanted was to take his guitar and go far away someplace his dad would never be able to find him. But the only thing he had left was to take apart something his father loved. For a bright moment, he'd been with Michael Guerin and felt something like hope. Hope for a future he'd never pictured before. And his father had shattered that hope just as surely as he'd shattered Michael's hand.

But he forced himself to look back. He'd learned a long time ago never to show weakness and just because it looked like Kyle was changing, Alex didn't trust him enough for that.

"I'm getting what I need," he agreed. Which was the truth as far as it went. It wasn't about what he wanted anymore. He couldn't have what he wanted, so he'd settle for doing what he needed to do.

That turned gaze is not hard to read. It's painful and it's a silence that seems to grow. It's not what he wants or needs, and with the military its not like he can change that on a whim either.

It's the sort of things his training is teaching him to pick up on. Just as it's taught him not to comment on it without an opening.

Alex's words are anything but, both in words and brevity.

"That's a start but it doesn't have to be everything," he says softly, unable to resist opening the door if Alex wants it. "At least tell me that night we ran into one another isn't your only time to get out and be yourself and not a soldier."

The words his so hard home that they hurt. "I've been out more than the one night," he said quickly but he knew that wasn't what Kyle meant. It wasn't the quantity of times but the quality. And he only went out far away from where anyone he knew was. And usually only when he wanted to get off from something more than his own hand. It was only a fluke that he'd run into Kyle that first time. A fluke that he hadn't gone to one of the gay bars.

"I didn't realize you were specializing in psychiatry," he muttered.

The words were bitter, but he wasn't really mad at Kyle. More at himself because of how true Kyle's statement had been. And how much Alex wished it could be any other way.

But it wasn't.

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