Posted by Ask a Manager
https://www.askamanager.org/2026/08/coworker-is-abusive-at-home-boss-wont-let-me-do-the-job-im-trained-for-and-more.html
https://www.askamanager.org/?p=41489
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My coworker is abusive at home
content warning for child abuse
I have a growing issue with a coworker from another team. We work in an open-concept office, so everyone can hear everyone else’s conversations and calls. It’s not ideal, but there’s little I can do about the layout.
She is rude, abrasive, and difficult to collaborate with on multi-team projects. While that in itself is challenging, I can manage it since we don’t work together constantly. What I cannot overlook, however, is her behavior toward her family. She constantly complains loudly about her husband and children, making disturbing comments about her baby daughter and toddler son. It seems clear she harbors deep resentment toward them and blames her husband for her pregnancies.
Because of our open workplace, her frequent and loud complaints affect everyone. It is deeply unsettling, and I feel for her children. Her direct supervisor has addressed this behavior in the past, and while there was some improvement, it remains a persistent issue.
Today, however, reached a critical point. She was laughing while describing instances where she and her husband physically abused their eldest child — slapping and throwing the child around. One of my direct reports overheard one instance in the morning, and I personally overheard a different account in the afternoon. She stopped speaking as soon as she saw me approaching, so she may not realize I heard her.
While I do not have disciplinary or termination authority over her, this behavior would result in immediate dismissal on my team — I don’t work with abusers. How do I effectively communicate to her, her manager, and my own superior that this behavior is entirely unacceptable and that my team and I refuse to continue working with her?
P.S.: I have already reported these admissions to child protective services/local authorities, though I am unsure what steps they will take moving forward.
That’s horrific. Thank you for reporting it, and for taking a strong stand.
How much you’re able to do about this at work depends on how much capital you have and are willing to use — and even then, you might not be able to do anything truly effective about it. You could try saying that you won’t work with her as long as this behavior continues, and if you have a lot of capital, that might get someone above her to at least convey to her in more serious terms that the comments at work need to stop. But if that’s not what it leads to, you’ll need to decide how hard of a stance you’re willing to take and whether you’re willing to risk your job over it, since in many cases that would be a possible outcome of refusing to work with someone as a way of trying to force change. (In some cases, if you’re valued enough, your org might look for work-arounds, but it’s a risk you’d need to be comfortable taking.)
However, even if she stops talking about it at work, that doesn’t change what she’s actually doing — so while there’s value in social pressure signaling “this is not okay” (and you might consider saying that to her directly as well — you don’t have to stay quiet when she says those things), it doesn’t solve the real problem. Unfortunately no one at your company has the ability to do that. Looping in outside authorities is the only real way to do that, and even that isn’t guaranteed. It’s a horrible situation.
2. My boss won’t let me do the job I’m trained for
I work at a startup, where the job descriptions can be quite mushy. My boss likes to hire people with the expectation that they’re expected to jump in and help wherever they can, rather than sticking to clearly defined roles. This, of course, works until it doesn’t.
Currently I am the only person in my department formally trained in a certain skillset, but everyone in the department is expected to pitch in and do this work. I was initially hired for this skillset, but my job has drifted; now most of it is a different thing that I don’t have any training in, don’t like doing, and am only okay at.
The result is that my coworkers manage to muddle along with their projects until something blows up, at which point I have to drop everything I’m doing, wade in, fix the emergency, and often redo their projects entirely. I’ve pointed out time and time again that it would be significantly faster just to assign these projects to me in the first place, since I often end up doing them anyways after it’s already a huge emergency and the clients are anxious due to delays. My coworkers and boss alike nod and smile and agree with me, then go on not assigning the projects to me, then the next thing blows up and I have to fix it again.
What’s going on here? I feel like a crazy person chanting my oracle over and over again: “This is not going to go well!” And then it doesn’t go well and I’m right, again and again, and nothing changes. What possible reason is there to not just let me do these projects the first time, and instead make me spend my time on something I dislike, wasn’t hired for, and am self-taught in? Is there any way to convince my boss that she’s lighting time, money and client goodwill on fire by running the department this way?
It’s because they devalue the skill you were hired for and think anyone can do it. You see this a lot with skills like writing, graphic design, and training.
I’m not sure what the conversations you’ve tried previously have looked like, but if you haven’t already done a serious, scheduled–in-advance meeting with your boss specifically to highlight the problem and try to solve it, running through recent examples of issues this has caused and proposing specific solutions, you can try that. If you’ve already tried that, then for whatever reason they don’t share your concerns and there’s not a lot more you can do.
I actually think the bigger problem is that you were hired for one thing but are now doing something different, and it’s work you don’t like doing. That’s worth leaving over if you can’t get any traction on that part … and the longer you stay, the potentially harder your next job search gets, because the skills you do want to be hired for will have stagnated and you won’t have related accomplishments on your resume for this period.
3. We’re being paid less than new hires
I was with Company A for two years before it was decided that what we handled was going to Company B. Company B was kind enough to take everyone on. Right before I was set to go, Company A approached me about a different position for, let’s say for anonymity, a Teapot Maker for a new program. I was happy to stay with Company A and become a Teapot Maker. Those of us who stayed were told it was a lateral move, no raise. We didn’t even get our yearly raise despite staying with the company.
I found out through the grapevine that people who left Company A to go to Company B are also becoming Teapot Makers. They are being hired in at $6/hour more than I make. And even at Company A, the hourly rate for a Teapot Maker posted is more than $2/hour over what I currently make. Some people who originally left are coming back, and they’re being offered more than what those who stayed the whole time are making.
I immediately asked my boss for a raise. HR told him I got my raise in April. They were looking at last year’s raise. My boss told me to contact HR. HR told me to contact my boss. Who is … refusing to give me a raise.
Essentially we are being punished for staying at the company, and the ones who left and returned are being lavishly rewarded. Or thats what it feels like to all of us.
We need the increase as the job isn’t a lateral move and comes with more duties. The group of us who stayed were essentially either purposefully or inadvertently lied to.
What are my options here? I have proof that compensation for a Teapot Maker is substantially different than what everyone who was brought in is currently making. Do we just take it and work constantly and barely make it? Are there any other options?
The fact that Company B is paying more doesn’t really compel your company to pay you more. You can certainly point it out to argue that their pay isn’t competitive and they risk people leaving for Company B over it, but ultimately it’s not likely to carry a ton of weight on its own unless they’re very worried about losing more people. But the fact that your company is bringing new people in at a higher rate than you’re currently getting is compelling, unless there’s an explanation for it … like that when they hire new Teapot Makers, they all have more experience/a more developed skill set than those of you who made a lateral move into that role. If there’s no explanation, though, you can make the case for a raise based on that and point out that you want to stay but that it’s hard not to think about Company B if they don’t adjust your salary.
But also … if Company B is still hiring, that might be a much better-paying option.
4. How should I respond when my manager complains about our union?
I work for a large nonprofit organization, and the employees in my area formed a union shortly before I was hired. The union leaders and the organization are currently bargaining to create a first contract.
The norm has been that managers don’t talk about the union with employees (I assume for liability reasons). However, my recently hired manager has not gotten that memo. If the union comes up in conversation, she will roll her eyes and start talking about how the union leaders at her last job ruined things for everyone, it’s such a pain to work with unions, etc.
I feel uncomfortable in these situations and am unsure what to do. I disagree with her negative views on unions but don’t want to argue with her, especially since I’m the only union-eligible employee she supervises. I typically keep a neutral face, make only a non-committal noise or two, and try to change the subject.
My position is part of the union, so I do have to bring it up sometimes with my manager for practical reasons (e.g., noting I’m not eligible for certain employee programs until the contract is finalized). When my manager inevitably has a negative reaction in these instances, is there any way I can politely ask them to stop bashing unions without putting a target on my back?
Since your sense is that the norm there is that managers don’t talk about the union with employees, can you frame it as useful info about the company’s stance that she might not have realized yet? The next time she starts bashing unions, you could say, “It might be worth talking to (boss’s boss) — my sense is that the company doesn’t want managers talking to employees about the union, or unions in general, at all, and she could tell you for sure.”
If that doesn’t work and you have decent HR, you could also have a discreet word with them or with the union itself — they probably don’t want managers doing this.
5. Do I need to pay an employee for attending an optional, after-hours webinar?
We have a series of optional, after-hours webinars that we run, usually starting at 4:30 or 5 pm. I have an hourly staff member who enjoys attending these, but he doesn’t work them at all. When he doesn’t attend, nothing is lacking from the operations or implementation of the webinars — I just have one fewer attendee. I always tell him the webinars are optional (as they are for all my non-working staff).
Do I need to pay him for his time even though I don’t need him working? This might mean I need to explicitly tell him to not come, so that I reserve his limited hours to work I need to get done, which also feels weird.
Under the federal Fair Labor Standards Act, you don’t need to pay him for attending the webinars as long as (a) they’re outside his regular working hours, (b) his attendance is truly voluntary, (c) he does no work while there, and (d) the webinars aren’t directly related to his current job or intended to make him better at doing that job. It sounds like the first three are true, so it will hinge on the answer to (d). If a webinar is teaching skills that he uses in his job, you’d need to pay him for the time.
If that means that you don’t want him to attend so his paid hours are reserved for other things, you can be straightforward about that! For example: “I love that you’re enthusiastic about attending the webinars, but because they cover skills you use in your work, we’re legally required to pay you for them. We need to reserve your paid hours for your main tasks so unfortunately I’ve got to tell you not to attend them — but if there’s ever a week where there’s room in your paid hours to attend, I’ll make sure you know.”
The post coworker is abusive at home, boss won’t let me do the job I’m trained for, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
https://www.askamanager.org/2026/08/coworker-is-abusive-at-home-boss-wont-let-me-do-the-job-im-trained-for-and-more.html
https://www.askamanager.org/?p=41489
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