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this will become a pinned post . . .
multifandom, personal posts are almost always set to private
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jus venting
6 December 2022 04:17 pmi feel very very stupid and cringe; not exactly sad because i have vine compilations running on repeat, but not strong enough to deny feeling stupid and cringe. everyone says self-deprecating jokes are harmful and self-aggrandizing jokes are funner and healthy, and i agree. obviously indulging in avpd spiraling does no good at all. is it even a guilty pleasure if it's not pleasant and only makes you feel guilty? oh that way genuinely pretty good!!!! that made me stop spiraling for a few seconds??? amazing?? anyway. i wanted to write down that laughing at vine comps and talking so much overwhelms me, and my chest tightens. not to the point of a meltdown, but it's not very good. i want to say so much but i don't because fighting the urge to append every sentence with a "i am embarrassing and stupid tho" is very tiring.
(no subject)
6 December 2022 03:55 pmcontent warning: suicidal ideation
26.07.22, 16:32 phone note
okay this last session was pretty funny. i was babbling about existentional stuff for the better part of it, not really meaning half of what i said, and at the end i went "hey soo you're too expensive for me uwu". and she was like "ok. find someone cheaper. because you NEED therapy" rofl
so i was thinking. i'm still trying to hold on a hope that this country can, sometime in the future, somehow, get better. and also that i, too, can get better, no matter what i may feel in the moment. these two hopes produce this stupid sort of syllogism: its very unlikely that i can get better unless this country does so first. so if i want to actually get better in foreseeable future, i have to get out of this country. but i cant get out of this country unless i get better. so, what now.
unfortunately, since last december, milliseconds after acknowledging a difficulty of any severity, my brain automatically responds with a genius solution: " guess i'll die then, el-em-ay-oh". and that in itself is a difficulty, and a pretty big one. here we have another vicious cycle. what fun! and all of this contained in such a small creature like me. this alone almost makes me believe in god, one that sends his funniest battles to his most pitiful soldiers, for fun. he is probably pissing himself laughing at one right now, they are typing all of this while scrunched like a shrimp and staring at a screen, sending it to the internet, and isnt THAT thing a riot
okay i don't know what came over me. probably a combination of little things like skipping my 1/2 of my meds yesterday and having a beer, and a certain unrelated affliction befalling me today. i really want to start the golden deer route in FE3H after finishing blue lions and crimson flower branch of beagles, but i made myself load an older beagle save to get through silver snow first. i have lots of impressions about crimson flower that i procrastinated writing down, so they are a little stale now, but i will try putting them in a post too. there, i wrote something! counting that as a little win in the "relearning how to keep a diary because it's been good to me until stopping in 2016" battle.
Ah. Soo I recruited Mercie to Black Eagles for her supports with Jeritza but it seems like I fucked up earlier by not recruiting Caspar to Blue Lions, as the Mercie+Caspar paralogue is not available on the Crimson Flower route. The Paralogue About Mercie And Jeritza/Dark Knight, that is. Well, shit! I'll be able to do it on Silver Snow, but sadly that will be after I see their supports... Anyway.
Spoiler-ish notes for the most missable paralogues, for myself as I already accepted I will spend several hundred hours in this game:
The Face Beneath
Requires both Mercedes and Caspar. All routes except Crimson Flower. Rewards Dark Knight's scythe if Caspar is the one who defeats him.
Retribution
Requires both Ferdinand and Lysithea. All routes except Crimson Flower. Rewards a Sacred Relic if every villager is saved.
Legend of the Lake
Requires both Leonie and Linhardt. All routes, but if on Crimson Flower, Flayn and Seteth must still be alive (they retreat if defeated by Byleth).
That means I'll need to recruit Linhardt when I finally get to Golden Deer for Leonie's paralogue. That is perfectly fine by me lol.
Blue Lions, mostly blind 1st playthrough: recruited Linhardt (bc he is Literally Me) and Marianne (bc I wanted to know what's up with her and help her). That turned out great - I can really see Linhardt leaving the Empire, and Marianne, as it turns out, has an absolutely wonderful support chain with Dimitri. Marianne and Linhardt ended up together in the end, too, which was very heartwarming!! I absolutely loved Lin telling her that she brings luck to him. But. Now I am So Upset that I didn't recruit Caspar. I wish that paralogue was part of my first playthrough experience so bad. GAH. It won't be the same with Black Eagles even on Silver Snow!!! It won't feel the same to MEEE...
Now at Black Eagles: so far, recruited Mercedes (I was already spoiled about Jeritza's appearance in Part II and I love Mercie with all my heart and want to know more of her backstory) and Lysithea (bc Edelgard has a support chain with her).
As much as I adore my Blue Lion kids and no one will manage to replace them in my heart, I don't like recruiting more than 2-3 characters. It just doesn't feel right? Although I am extremely curious to see their dialogues when recruited to a different house, as everyone has different lines depending on which side of the war they ended up on. Like in Azure Moon, Marianne reacts to the Alliance disbanding, or Linhardt recommends looking for a weakness in Fort Merceus' defenses. It would be very interesting, for example, to see Felix defecting to the Empire, or Ingrid even more so - serving as a Kingdom knight is her biggest dream, how would that even look like?
It seems many people try to recruit as many students as possible, or at least their favorites, as to not be forced to fight and kill them later on. Personally, that sounds cool as fuck. Yes, it's extremely painful, but that's the point!! War IS horror! We had to kill Ferdinand and Lorenz just to cross a bridge to Empire territory. I didn't even know those two very well, or, at all, and it was still horrible! I LOVE IT. I WANT to see my beloved son Ashe across a battlefield and brace for my heart to be shattered to pieces!
Maybe I'll try to recruit every Blue Lion and Black Eagle student when playing as Golden Deer. That shouldn't be too hard with NG+. Or I'll do a comparatively normal playthrough first AND THEN a ridiculous one with everyone recruited. We'll see. Depends on if I'll be tired of the game by then lol.
Spoiler-ish notes for the most missable paralogues, for myself as I already accepted I will spend several hundred hours in this game:
The Face Beneath
Requires both Mercedes and Caspar. All routes except Crimson Flower. Rewards Dark Knight's scythe if Caspar is the one who defeats him.
Retribution
Requires both Ferdinand and Lysithea. All routes except Crimson Flower. Rewards a Sacred Relic if every villager is saved.
Legend of the Lake
Requires both Leonie and Linhardt. All routes, but if on Crimson Flower, Flayn and Seteth must still be alive (they retreat if defeated by Byleth).
That means I'll need to recruit Linhardt when I finally get to Golden Deer for Leonie's paralogue. That is perfectly fine by me lol.
Blue Lions, mostly blind 1st playthrough: recruited Linhardt (bc he is Literally Me) and Marianne (bc I wanted to know what's up with her and help her). That turned out great - I can really see Linhardt leaving the Empire, and Marianne, as it turns out, has an absolutely wonderful support chain with Dimitri. Marianne and Linhardt ended up together in the end, too, which was very heartwarming!! I absolutely loved Lin telling her that she brings luck to him. But. Now I am So Upset that I didn't recruit Caspar. I wish that paralogue was part of my first playthrough experience so bad. GAH. It won't be the same with Black Eagles even on Silver Snow!!! It won't feel the same to MEEE...
Now at Black Eagles: so far, recruited Mercedes (I was already spoiled about Jeritza's appearance in Part II and I love Mercie with all my heart and want to know more of her backstory) and Lysithea (bc Edelgard has a support chain with her).
As much as I adore my Blue Lion kids and no one will manage to replace them in my heart, I don't like recruiting more than 2-3 characters. It just doesn't feel right? Although I am extremely curious to see their dialogues when recruited to a different house, as everyone has different lines depending on which side of the war they ended up on. Like in Azure Moon, Marianne reacts to the Alliance disbanding, or Linhardt recommends looking for a weakness in Fort Merceus' defenses. It would be very interesting, for example, to see Felix defecting to the Empire, or Ingrid even more so - serving as a Kingdom knight is her biggest dream, how would that even look like?
It seems many people try to recruit as many students as possible, or at least their favorites, as to not be forced to fight and kill them later on. Personally, that sounds cool as fuck. Yes, it's extremely painful, but that's the point!! War IS horror! We had to kill Ferdinand and Lorenz just to cross a bridge to Empire territory. I didn't even know those two very well, or, at all, and it was still horrible! I LOVE IT. I WANT to see my beloved son Ashe across a battlefield and brace for my heart to be shattered to pieces!
Maybe I'll try to recruit every Blue Lion and Black Eagle student when playing as Golden Deer. That shouldn't be too hard with NG+. Or I'll do a comparatively normal playthrough first AND THEN a ridiculous one with everyone recruited. We'll see. Depends on if I'll be tired of the game by then lol.
