In Memoriam

I just wanted to note down here, some of the positive things that have been said to me in the past week from some precious people.

"Although it is no longer, you should give it a name so that you can acknowledge and remember the memory of it. This way you can still send it love wherever it is. It will help you to heal."

"It is better that it goes away now, rather than if it goes away three to six months down the road. The emotional attachment then will make the loss unbearable."

"You need to love yourself in this time. Put yourself first and stop kicking yourself when it is not your fault."

"Stop thinking about things you cannot control."

Loss seems to unite people. Crosses boundaries, race and religious beliefs.

I have now a pretty little Hindi chain of white flowers hanging on my office monitor. I shall refuse to get rid of it until it wilts.

(No this entry is not about Scone. Even though he did pass away and is equally missed by us humans and his brother Bagel.)


- 22 December 2009 4:.38pm -

Walking Forwards

As 2009 closes, I gratefully close a painful chapter. In the past twelve months I have known happiness, togetherness, grief and despair. I have laughed, cried and grieved.

Each step I take seems to do nothing but take me further away from who I used to be.

As Rz and I grieve our most recent loss, I struggle to remind myself again of the Cross on that hill far away.

It is hard to keep the faith but that remains the only light in my darkness and I will walk towards it. Whether blindly or not so blindly. I will just walk forwards.


- 21 December 2009 2:53pm -

声をきかせて

When I look at this page, I am somewhat glad that I didn't try to give any sort of chronological list of events here on my blog. It is crazy enough as it is without having to be reminded of the madness.

Here I am again, not sure where to begin to unravel my thoughts. It seems like this year has flitted by with triple the usual speed.

As the year draws to a close, we too look to spend our last remaining months here at this apartment.

Knowing that the Lord has provided for us time and again, I am sure that He has already found us a home. Therefore even in the light of Rz's unemployment and difficulties in securing a job, and the issues of housing loan eligibility, I am sure that our new home is around the corner.

"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have receive it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24


- 6 December 2009 5:10pm -

Relentlessly Unrelenting

It truly has been one thing after another this year. And it doesn't look like it will relent in the waning months of 2009.

Perhaps it really is time for a change?

The trouble is I don't know what needs changing because it seems like everything is still contorting or in the process of going to contort.

I'm tempted to call myself 'lost', but the truth is I have been here many times the past few months.

I'm not as distraught as I was previously either. Perhaps I am getting used to this uncertainty, even though it does annoy me somewhat.

I want to settle in. I want to enjoy what I have. But how can I do so when everything refuses to stay calm for long enough?


- 25 September 2009 9:05pm -

Hazy Sunshine

I know I have much to be thankful for. Despite knowing, I feel I am on a downwards spiral again.

I know better than to look down. I'm trying hard not to look back. And looking forwards is scary too.

I don't know how I am going to manage, but I know my God has plans for me. Right now I'm just clinging onto His feathers, holding Him in my sights.

It's all I know to do right now. Thus it's what I will do.


- 25 June 2009 5:24pm -

The Cross on a Hill Far Away

I have been home this couple of days, recuperating from minor surgery. I am physically okay, just that I have problems walking, standing, sitting or changing positions.

Since I am here I figure I should give something of a brief summary of my recent thoughts..

.. Each day, I face 4-7 sets of clients from all walks of life in the course of my daily work. Thus I have become quite conscious of my internet presence and how it might affect the clients I see at work.

For example, my cubicle proudly houses an 8R collection of my best prints and so far nearly every client who has seen me has made some sort of comment. I am appreciative, but this is not what this post is about. I do have a slight phobia that someone I meet in the course of my work might actually know me as one of my online identities. I have on occasion, met with some mentally unsound characters as I go about my work. I do fear the day that something I've said or posted online might be used against me.

Hence my relative silence.

Granted, I do not feel very much for certain things that used to affect me.

I guess I have reached a point in my life where I just want my life to be as simple and uncluttered as possible.

I just want to tend to my daily quota of clients, work as hard as I need to, do as much housework as I can and then to be able to sleep peacefully every night.

I am not God. I cannot bless anyone, cure anyone, or heal anyone and I do not wish to constantly be approached and obliged to do any 'burden-sharing' unless I see someone or something that compels me. I am loathe to see someone share about a problem as though it is everyone else's fault.

I am human too, and I have my own issues. I have responsibility. I have a life. I have a marriage and I have family.

I only manage through prayer.

I've stopped trying to force what cannot be changed. Essentially, I have stopped struggling to function on human terms. I have chosen to live each day on God's terms.

I am conscious that I might sound like I'm arrogant, self-centred and unabashed, but really, I have reached a point where I realise my human failings and limits and have decided that to preserve whatever integrity or soundness of mind (sometimes!) I am not going to focus on myself or anyone else, but on the Cross on a hill far away.


- 7 May 2009 9:55am -

君とまた逢える日を

There are just so many things I want to say to a number of precious people.

So many things and words that the time just isn't ripe for.

So many inner-nudgings and heavy-hearted thoughts. So many unwanted feelings. So many helpless resolves.

So many tears. As many prayers.

I have been content with penting everything up in my head but right now I think my iPhone has more (and definitely better) memory than I do. I wish I could just come outright and speak my mind here like I have always before, but goodness knows what will happen if I do.

And, if it comes to that, I don't think I can take it.

Looking back briefly, I think I started unraveling sometime before Christmas and just allowed it to spiral just under the surface of calm and control.

(Perhaps the greatest irony of it all is that my 'calm and control' managed to fool even my father, who thinks on top of not doing enough, I'm not being worried enough.)

Disbelief, discouragement, displacement and despair, where do they leave us? Yes, Love shall overcome everything in the end but I think my heart is failing me.

Logic is failing me.

Perhaps I should just let go, let God and get going, myself. But right now I'm feeling like I've hit a wall - I need to take a few seconds to slide down onto the floor below and congeal.

Yes, congeal. At least then maybe when I feel my insides harden, I can find a bit more solidarity and sense in my many, frayed, tangled, trains of thought.

Maybe then I can find my foundation point. Maybe then I can rally myself.

Maybe then I can find I do have a way to place my humming nerves in the hands of the Highest One after all. Like I should be doing. Like I should have done.

Like I know I should do.

And here, I catch myself.. Forgetting.. that my rally point and my standard is the blood-bought cross upon a hill far away.

Forgetting.. that He who conquered death is the script-writer of my life.

Forgetting.. that Love surrounds me even as I despair. And indeed, Love is gently snoozing behind me right now as I write.

Perhaps I have already congealed and not known it. Perhaps I am already decayed jell-o on the floor. Perhaps a spark of remembrance is all that I needed.

Remembering brings an irreplaceable comfort. I need to improve my memory.

I need to get going and fill my life with the things that matter. With the people who matter.

Fill my mind with the thoughts that matter.

And so this is me, getting up.. and going to bed :)


- 9 January 2009 3:09am -

独りでも平気さ

Incredibly, the old year has gone and a new one is already six days old as I write.

I can't bear to look at my list of things that have yet to be done just in case I start feeling dysfunctional all over again.

I know there are properties to be viewed, job positions to be applied for, photographs to edit, friends to catch up with, a book to write and a house to clean. Nevertheless, I wish all of you (who still bother to take time to read!!) a very blessed 2009. May the Lord bless you and keep you, and look after your family's every need :)

Amen :)


- 6 January 2009 12:54am -