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Hello There

Kevin

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Saturday, January 1, 2011

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
Saturday, January 1, 2011/4:03 PM

Something was fundamentally missing yesterday night.

Maybe it was the fact that we did the same thing 4 years in a row already. Maybe it was cuz of the changing numbers of people, within our group as well as outside. Maybe it was the experience of NS, or the loss of school life, civilian life. Maybe it was because I couldn't really see why we were doing some things anymore. Maybe it was my loss of faith in several of my most treasured. Maybe it was my beginning to feel more connected to my family. Or the reverse. Maybe it was envy, or jealousy, at the lives of others more contented. Or the pity for those less. Maybe it was the deviations of friendships, or the new ones formed that create new il/delusions.
Maybe it was the sudden realization of all the choices I've made, and those didn't.

Maybe reality was just sinking in.
Maybe reality started to disappear into the realms of emotion.

Maybe it was simply the dissolution of a life I once knew, and the sudden creation of one I'm not prepared for.

And the single most haunting thing of my new year's eve, was my lack of courage to even shake a hand and wish an old acquaintance happy new year. Why's that? Why?!

My heart will always be on my sleeve, I think. I'm not the kind of person to hide something I feel. Professionalism dictates certain outwardly appearances during work, but even then, I know that things start to show.

In 2011, I aim to be more happy inside, more optimistic in my worldview, even though all my mind sees this world the way it is. And as always, I will still be looking for that something to be. Even while I'm slowly eliminating the things I don't.

Still searching for that single one thing.

Labels: a new year, changes, dreams, hopes, resolutions

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Sunday, October 24, 2010

And I'm just a student of the game that they taught me
Rock in every stage in every place that they brought me
Sunday, October 24, 2010/3:29 PM

Nineteenth Birthday.
The last "teen" birthday I'll ever have, haha.

And it was goddamn well spent, hellyeah. (Goddamn, this Port thing.)
Especially under the various contexts of the social circle we spent it with.

Also, nothing like facebook to remind me of all the other friends you have.

Still, the experience the past year has been.. scary, to say the least.
The huge amounts of experiences I've went through, not just in terms of NS or military life or being trapped in camp premises, but also the sheer amount of self-reflection that I've done, thanks to the lack of anything to do much of the time.
Also, the books I've read and re-read since most of OCS life.

It's frightening for me to realise that I'm in this limbo state where there isn't any proper purpose or goal now, except for that vague cafe/restaurant idea far far into the future. And I'm pretty much letting my thoughts run wild in the areas of blah, Blah and BlaH. And retrospectively, my path isn't really pretty to look at.

Worse, it's not easy to find that direction again, because of things that have departed from my life, as well as things that have entered. They're like chaff messing up all my signals up in the mess that is my head. Sometimes I wonder if a reformat of sorts would be any useful.

But I wanna get back to my guitar, at least sometime soon. Sigh.

Finally,
Here's the obligatory birthday resolution from me:

Labels: birthday cheer, drunk, future is for later, resolutions

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Friday, August 27, 2010

Help me escape from lonely choirs
Which only hollow voices sing
Friday, August 27, 2010/10:32 PM

Lilly smiles, shakes her head, speaks.
Bad move.
What?
Thinking love could solve your problems.
I nod.
Yeah.
You mad I said that?
I shake my head.
Hard to be mad when something's true.
She smiles.

Currently reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. A sort-of-but-discovered-isn't-quite a memoir about his days of rehabilitation.

Amusingly, I find my situation parallel to his. Though the addiction is to something else, the Clinic, People, and everything refers to something else. All in relation to my current situation for the next few months. Sadly, I can't even have a Fury, I don't have an excuse for one. Nor will I be tolerated for having one, haha..

And there's no way I could find me a Lilly, too. sigh.

Like I told my Section Instructor, "the only reason I'm getting through this is because I'm not taking any of it seriously", to which he just did a bwa-ha and then nothing, while I continued to polish my boots. And I was entirely honest about it, and I believe he could tell, too.

Still, to get to SOPJOC and not be stuck in Infantry, apparently I've gotta get a Silver.
Poof, motivation at last. Albeit a negative sense of it. But fuckit. I'll do my best.

Sometimes, though, my best is not enough. What then?

Hmm.. Spending the bits of time I have alone to myself in-camp with myself only gets really depressing. Y'all should read my in-camp journal one day. Hahaha...

Note to self: The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera. And Existentialism in detail.

Labels: books, camp, existentialism, lightness

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Friday, July 9, 2010

put your hands in the air, shine a lighter or a cellphone
you better buy another round, we ain't going home
Friday, July 9, 2010/11:43 AM

You are posted to OCS, SAFTI MI
Your vocation is OFFR CADET(CBT)

fuck.

God loves (LOOOVVVEESSS) throwing me these HUUUGGGEEE life decisions.
I mean seriously, it's not funny anymore.
Hear me, God? IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!!!

I mean, hey, give me SCS, give me Unit, and i'll be pretty happy.
But damn, now I'm given a CHOICE!
Between 9 months of hell and then (supposedly) loads of prestige
which, BY THE WAY, I couldn't give a SHIT about

Or choosing to opt out on the first day
which pretty much condemns me as The Guy Who Couldn't Take It, or The Guy Who Fell Out On Day One, or The Pussy (lol)

and all that along with the whole, everyone-you-know-will-be-disappointed, you-won't-unleash-your-true-potential, what-a-waste bullshit emotional baggage that comes along with it.

ARGH!

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Labels: choices, doomed, hell, waste

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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I'm not some rolling stone
That wants to waste your life
Wednesday, July 7, 2010/8:52 PM

I have been worried that I don't exist. I don't think I am, therefore.
- Open Stories, [Mouths, Open], Lisa Moore

Please
Forgive me.

i wonder if you've ever really forgiven me.
which leads to:
did i ever do something that would require your forgiveness?
if i have, did i ever tell you the truth?
or was it my inaction that requires forgiveness?

it couldn't possibly be you requiring your own forgiveness, so that's out of the question.
unless it is. then i don't know what to say.

so what's happened, then? why all this? why all the lack of faith?
after all, i'd have thought you were always the faithful one.
and me the apathetic agnostic, the indecisive atheist.

trust,
and,
fall.

don't leave yourself hanging like that.
you'll choke.

=============

just had my Graduation Parade last friday, where i officially became a ~~Recruit~~ Private in the grand scheme such as the SAF.
i can only say that it was terribly, terribly wet, and late, and a waste of time for every single person involved.

in any case, i've given up all hope of achieving anything worthwhile during my stay in the military. this military can give me nothing that i could possibly gain anything from.
in short, my next 2 years (minus 4 months) will only exist during the weekends, or during leave. that's the only time i can do anything worthwhile.

though i do hope to do more brainstorming within camp with my handy dandy notebook and pen. maybe even rope in a few interested people there too, though i doubt anyone in there will have a mindset suitable. not now, anyway.

and there's still uni studies to worry about. yesyes, i've got time and all, but it's not just studies i'm worried about.
it's lifestyles, how things could change within this time, relationships, friends (gained and lost), money, futures, and all that.
also cuz thinking about all this helps occupy time.

though time seems to be flying very very fast, as i perceive it.

i learn to treasure everything, and take as little as i can for granted.
because that's the way life is.

cliche, but means much much more to me now. in ways i can't quite explain.

go through BMT. maybe you'll understand. just maybe.

Labels: break, forgiveness, futures, time, waste

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Friday, June 11, 2010

and only time will tell if violins will swell
in memory of what we used to call 'in love'
Friday, June 11, 2010/6:40 PM

when your commanders get to a stage where they don't even bother to punish you when you get turned out for failure to comply with field discipline, you know your company is fucked. FUBAR, really. and not just 2IC, but your beloved Sergeants as well. when they openly tell you that they have given up hope on instilling discipline, and yall can go ahead and do whatever you want, because the last 3 weeks won't mean anything anymore.

it's terribly depressing to know that everyone has given up on you.
too bad those that should have learnt this, aren't realising it. and continuing to fuckcare about all that should matter.
it's also terribly depressing to note that you yourself have given up on your platoon-mates. because they don't see themselves as part of a platoon, why should you see them as part of yours, right?
why bother trying to correct them, when they themselves don't care?

i'm too tired, too frustrated, too angry to care or give a shit anymore. let all that happens happen. there's really no point trying anymore, is there?

i'll just tolerate what's left of these 3 weeks, and hopefully never see their fucked-up faces ever again. an early good riddance to yall.

==========

went back to my roots today. i mean i went back to vj today with kenny, keith and izzi to collect grad certs, yearbooks and all that admin stuff. sad to see that single 'B' among those 'A's, but hey, whatcanidonow? =/

still, it's sad to see the school so quiet (yes yes, it's the june holidays, but still..), whereas our memories were one with the hustle and bustle of student life. busy, rushed, but ultimately still socially happy and smiling. nonetheless, it's nice to see that not much has really changed, but i don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

flipping through the yearbook brought back memories of my precious 4 years spent in vj. years i'd die to trade NS for, haha. but time past is time gone, and i just flipped through the pages, one by one, letting things just flow by. hopefully i'll never forget them, yes?

chatted with old friends at lunch, and then some more at the new Udders down the street in siglap. fancy i'll be going there often from now on, hmm. tomorrow, for instance. haha.

right then, time to write a half-assed essay on my defining moment in BMT. probably sth to do with me causing my friend grievous harm and then learning valuable lessons about leadership and comradeship or sth. hrm.

sucky way for a 3rd blogpost since NS begun, but that's the way it is.

Labels: back to school, enlistment, memories, tired

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Sunday, May 23, 2010

chill out, what you yellin' for
lay back, it's all been done before
Sunday, May 23, 2010/9:53 PM

have you ever really listened to Avril Lavigne's song, Complicated? i don't mean just, like, the lyrics + the tune+ the beat; i mean every little instrument used in the song. thes basic bass drum, the electric guitar solo tune, the slightly soft acoustic guitar in the background doing chords, the really deep bass guitar groove, and all that coming together?

quite weird that i randomly realized all these little nuances on a random stretch of road today. it really made me feel for the song. not the lyrics, but the song itself. and it made me really think about why we always seem to treat things so much more complicated than they really are. everything in this world can be easily simplified to a short, sharp, sweet little phrase that encompasses the general ideas we try to impart. but we always try and talk and describe and elaborate and add on and decorate things so much.

why can't we just treat things as they are? stop thinking so much about all of life and just live it. as the day comes, as the minute comes, as the second comes. experience life, cuz there really isn't anything else out there we can otherwise experience.

and all this enlightenment shit right after field camp week. how awkward.

=====

on a separate note, many many things have happened the past week or two, and i'm getting a bit swamped, i guess. though i'm just a middleman for most of these cases ("I'm just a middleman for most of these cases" should totally be some lyrics for some song somewhere), i still feel somewhat responsible and related to the messes made and blunders created. i know i always get through them, one way or another, but i just don't see how i do so or why. frustration there.

i'll forever want to save the world, i guess. stupid little me.. haha..

Labels: complicated, field camp, realizations

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