Rinse & Repeat

So, I'm back on the weight loss train. I hate to even really post about it, because I've been down this road so many times. Same song, different verse, yadda yadda.
I did lose two pounds already though, so it's a start. I feel like I'm at a better place right now then I have been in awhile, and I'm going to be successful this time.
Stay tuned.

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I did end up taking the kids to get their pictures last week and they turned out so cute! I don't have the CD yet, but I assure you I will bombard you with their photos when I do.
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The amount of driving this week is insane. As of Thursday afternoon, after camp drop offs and pick ups, I had put 318 miles on my car since Monday morning. I'm not used to so much running around.
d is in an awesome camp (Camp Invention) where they bring in old, broken stuff and make it into new inventions. I can't wait to see what they make! O is in a camp called Summer Show Offs, which is singing and dancing. (Think Glee.) He has a show tomorrow that I'm excited to go see. It's so cool that they get to have all these opportunities to try things and see what they like!

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Piper is due to get spayed next week and the kids are sad. I explained that she wouldn't be able to have puppies and I think all they heard was "PUPPIES!" and were really let down when I said there would be NO PUPPIES.
She's grown so much! (She'll be 6 months on the 3rd) She weighs less than Penny (who needs to lose a few pounds) but is about the same height. Her coat is very low, almost NO, shedding and it is Heaven. I vacuumed up enough of Penny's hair yesterday alone to form a couple puppies. Penny is teaching her the ropes, and hopefully all of Penny's good habits will rub off on Piper who still manages to cause lots of trouble.

Penny, "No pictures please."

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Looks like this is post number 1200. I guess I should have thought of something earth shattering to write, but my life is mostly of the "go, go, go, collapse in an exhausted heap" variety lately. This week is one of those where I feel like mothering and being a wife is all about everyone else, and it's a thankless, tiring, never-ending, unappreciated position. I wonder if they have summer camp for moms? I'd love someone to drop me off at 9 and not come back until 3:30 after I'd had fun with my peers all day! We should invent Mom's Summer Camp.

Grump-a-lump

D worked on Saturday, but isn't supposed to be working overtime on the project he's currently on so he "had" to take a day this week off. We were going to go to lunch while the little kids were at preschool and the big boys were at their science class. However, C got sick during dinner last night and couldn't go to preschool, and L didn't want to go either. Now, D is running errands while the big boys are at their science class and I had leftovers for lunch. Good leftovers, but still.

Besides just having C get sick during dinner -- which required a shower for him, and a steam clean for the floor -- yesterday sucked. I've been feeling upset about the handling of some family "issues" in D's family and some of my own family is giving me a hard time about a vacation they want us to take with them. I don't take kindly to people acting like *I* make no effort when I drag my family here, there and everywhere to visit them each and EVERY year. Plus, you know, I'm not made of money.

Aside from that, I took Penny back to the vet yesterday for a follow up and her liver enzyme level is more than twice as much as it was 2 weeks ago. *sigh* (For comparison, her first level was 1,000, her second was 800 and her third was 1,800. Normal is around 100.) 
I've been shoving pills down her throat 3 times a day for over a month and things aren't getting better at all. The vet wants me to continue, but I can't see why, when it's not helping. The vet is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I find I'm not sure about giving her more and more medicine when it's not helping. My goal is for the remainder of her life to be happy and pain free, even if it's not quite as long as it could be. (She's 9 & also heartworm positive.) I don't want to put her through liver biopsies and surgeries when the damage to her liver is done. I feel torn about the whole situation, and terribly sad, of course. (and significantly relieved of quite a lot of my money)

I needed a pick me up in a big way but I'm working very hard on not eating sugar. I've stayed away from sugar since Ash Wednesday (minus coffee creamer and wine) but it's hard for an emotional eater like me. I decided that I needed chocolate and if I couldn't find a way to get some that one of the Easter bunnies in my closet was going to be minus a head or tail.  I stumbled upon this recipe for Primal Fudge on Pinterest and it's FANTASTIC. Even the kids thought so, because I wasn't sure if it was just because I was chocolate free for so long or not. Try it! It's gooooood.
(And it only uses honey, so technically it's not sugar, right?) (Don't answer that.)

Anyway, I had my healthy chocolate and some wine. Oh, wine! The Universe knew just what I needed yesterday because my wine club shipment came yesterday. Six lovely bottles of wine, just in the nick of time! 
Now, since I can't have a date with my lovely husband I think I will go eat some more chocolate (it's healthy!) and get on with my day.


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Off topic: Try this recipe for cabbage rolls. OMGSOGOOD!
(I didn't cook as long as they said, only about 4 hours on high, then 1 on low)

I want chocolate. I'd probably settle for baking chocolate... which is not good... if I wasn't currently sugar free. I've been OK until today and now I WANT ALL THE SUGAR BUT MOSTLY CHOCOLATE. Want.

*ahem*

I can attribute this craving to several things. One being hormones, and also that I am sick with an achy body and sore throat. Secondly, three of the kids are also sick. Third, we had about a million and three things scheduled this week and it's just annoying to not feel well and deal with grumpy kids who also do not feel well. In my last blog I was talking about Miss L and how sweet and loving she is. Well, in the true spirit of a three year old, she has been a holy terror this week. JUST TODAY she tried to drink the honey bottle while hiding under the kitchen table so I couldn't see her (I could), she pee'd on ... everything... she didn't take a nap, she poured her entire cup of water on the couch and also filled up the cup holders, and she pushed the step stool over to my spice cabinet, climbed up on the counter and took out my Halloween sprinkles and helped herself to the orange sugar variety.
 All over my couch.

Um... I don't know who ate those sprinkles...

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On the upside, D isn't working overtime at work and it is kind of ridiculous how short a 40 hour work week feels after months upon months (years?) of overtime. The nutty cat seems to have mostly calmed down and is happier now that he's outside. We got good and bad news at the vet about Penny. Good news is she doesn't have cancer or a tumor, but the bad news is that she does have liver failure and we're not sure why. So, she's on special medicine and food but right now she seems to be doing well except for thwarting me at every turn when I try to get her to take her pills twice a day.
Things I've tried:
hiding pills in treats
hiding pills in food including cheese, hot dogs, peanut butter, lunch meat & anything else I thought she'd eat
smashing up pills in dry food, wet food and people food
shoving pills down her throat and hoping she swallows them, then shoving them down again when she spits them out

Things that have worked:
Shoving pills down her throat repeatedly.

It's fun.

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 I'm also trying to book a summer vacation for a family reunion type thing and since we weren't really planning to take a summer vacation (remember Disney? That took all our vacation money.) it's proving difficult to find somewhere we can afford. If we DON'T go, I will hear crap about it forever... but we also have to make at least two other trips this year and hello? Six people on one income here. I have a feeling that we won't end up going at all, and YES I DO want to go to the beach, but sometimes being a grown up means not spending money you don't have, so yeah.

Did I mention I really want some chocolate?

sweet, sick, pets, ears & v-day

* Miss L is in a phase where she still has that baby voice but says grown up things and makes my heart thump a little louder. She's so sweet (when she feels like it) and randomly says, "I wuv you!" and "Sanks!" (thanks) to things. Of course she's also sassy as heck, and dramatic and bossssssssy. She's my pal though; a total mama's girl.

* Pet drama is abounding right now. Remember when our cat started beating up our other cat? Well, we eventually re-homed the victim cat because nothing we tried was successful and we were all miserable. (especially victim cat) Things were fine for several months, but now crazy-screw-loose cat has turned on the dog. I don't know what we are going to do about it, but the vet said that sometimes indoor-only cats get a little nuts and take their aggression out on inappropriate targets. So, for now we are letting him explore the back yard in hopes that actually being outside would help. So far it's not helping. He seems more aggressive than before. Poor Penny is petrified of him.
Speaking of Penny, I took her to the vet yesterday for annual shots and when they ran her blood work they found her liver enzymes were through-the-roof high. So, for now Penny is on 7.5 pills a day, and next week she's getting an x-ray and then we'll decide where to go from there, depending on what they find. Words like tumor and mass were thrown around and the vet was very concerned so that does not comfort me. She's almost 9, but I admit I thought she was in good health. (Besides being heartworm + which we already knew and are treating.)
Oh, and I couldn't even tell D the cost. He didn't want to know and that is definitely a good thing. Too bad we can't take money out of our health care savings account to pay for pet care. *sigh*

* I'm sick. Again. We had a pretty good run of good health after Christmas, so I guess it was bound to happen. This has been a rough winter for me. Ever since I got sick with pneumonia in Aug/Sept I have been sick off and on.

* D's ear got torn during rugby last week and he kept saying it felt weird inside. I convinced him to go to the ENT and turns out he ruptured his ear drum. How hard do you have to get hit to rupture your ear drum? Stupid rugby.

* Valentine's Day is coming... and I can't get into it this year. I usually have all sorts of sweet ideas cooked up for D and the kids but this year I'm just going through the motions. I know it's not cool to like Valentine's Day, but I DO. (usually)
I got the kids each a tiny box of chocolates and D some shirts. I bought plain old cards in a box for their school parties. I saw some cute ideas on Pinterest, but 32 valentines for $3 just can't be beat. Easy and cheap.

Oh my, where to start? Let's see.... Christmas at home was awesome. I love my little family and our traditions. The kids were all fully invested and believing this year, and I don't know how many more years that will happen.

After Christmas we headed out on the road to Texas. It was a long, excruciating day, but the kids were fairly good and there were no major mishaps. I'd be lying if I said the trip was all fun. At times, it was disappointing, frustrating and exhausting.We missed seeing some people and we may not have a chance to see them again until next Christmas, if I can be convinced to make the trip. Somebody is going to really have to sweet talk me into it. It's so  much effort (we put 2000 miles on the car in a week, if that gives you an idea...) and when things go wrong it makes me want to cry because there's no re-do. For the moment I just can't think about it. (Give me a few months!)

Huge highlights were seeing my nieces and my new (ish) nephew.  It's enough to make me want to face the daunting task of moving to Texas. (I'm not saying we're moving, but the topic does come up every year during our trip. If we didn't have such an amazing family of friends here, we might have moved already.)

 The kids were practically angels on the ride home and though my tailbone screamed at me hours 10-13, I guess we're no worse for the wear. In any case, we're home now and it's the new year.

I'm weary at the thought of making resolutions this year. I don't even want to look at what I resolved last year and see how I did. My one and only goal for this year is to accept myself. I'm tired of the long-running litany in my head. That's not to say that I won't change, or do new things or make new goals, as the year progresses.
I just want to love myself for who I am for once in my life because I've decided that no matter what that voice in my head interjects at every turn; I'm actually pretty OK.

You've got to be kidding me! Cats & pneumonia edition

You might remember when I blogged about our cats fighting, or more specifically, one cat beating the snot out of the other. (As a follow up, we tried the vet's suggestions and finally decided it wasn't fair to the victim cat to keep him any longer. He's very happy in his new home, but we all shed some tears.)
Things have been going well being a one cat household, surprisingly. The remaining cat is the sweetest cat EVER to people, although apparently takes out all his aggression on other cats. He is soft and loveable, doesn't jump on the counters, hardly even meows, and is just all around lovely.

However, Saturday morning Miss L broke out in terrible hives. Her hands and feet were bright red, swollen, and she had hives on her legs and fingers. I freaked and called the on call doctor who seemed annoyed by me interrupting his Saturday and gave me the advice to give her Benadryl, which duh... but I've never had a kid with such a strong allergic reaction like that so I was scared! She was fine the rest of the day, in which we were either outside or out of the house. Sunday morning the same thing happened except I didn't bother to call the doctor this time. We started noticing that it was worse when she sat on the couch, or the floor, or the cat's favorite spot on the carpet. At one point she laid her head down on the couch and got up with a huge red hive on her face! We got a little smarter at this point and decided it might be the cat. We put him on the screened in porch and vacuumed everything, including the couch, and washed everything that might have cat hair on it. While we were out of the house that day, she didn't have one red spot.
Today, same story. Hives. And she didn't even sit on the couch, or touch the cat. I called the doctor and got a referral to an allergist, but I feel like he's going to come to the same conclusion I am. (By the way, this took 3 phone calls and talking to 3 people. I hate the phone, but sill suck it up for the kids.)
If it's the cat, what are we going to do? Can he continue to live here? I don't see how.
We have such a coyote problem, I'm afraid making him an outside cat would be the same as a death sentence... we've already lost 2 cats that way.
She goes to see the allergist on Friday but she can't have any antihistamines until she gets tested so we have to keep her away from the cat (he's living on the screened in porch for the near future) and cat dander. I've been furiously cleaning everything I can get my hands on. The hair! OMG! It gets on everything! It's EVERYWHERE!
PS - Benadryl does not make her sleepy. At all. No nap for going on the 3rd day. 

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Saturday was also my last day on antibiotics. I've been gradually feeling better, but it was the first day I felt really good! I didn't cough at all, and I was so excited to get off the medicine - finally!
I was diagnosed with pneumonia on September 18th, although I had been sick for a few weeks before that. I put off going to the doctor for a longer time than I should have. I got 10 days of meds, took them and finally conceded I wasn't better and went BACK to the doctor on October 11th. I got 10 more days of antibiotics, apparently a super strong one, and now? I'm not feeling good again.

Yesterday I coughed a couple times and it sent my radar up, but I thought maybe it was a fluke. This morning I practically hacked up a lung and there was some nasty phlegm involved. Gross. My back is hurting a little bit again, and I started to panic.
 I called the doctor and had to speak to the receptionist, who said I couldn't talk to a nurse but she would take a message, so I explained briefly to her. Then the nurse called back and I explained my problem to her and she said she had to talk to the doctor and I'm waiting on another call back to see if the doctor thinks I need to come in again (really questioning my thinking in picking a doctor 25 minutes away) or if she will call in a few more days of antibiotics or if I'm going to die drown in my own phlegm be fine.
Seriously, this is getting ridiculous! I don't even get sick very much, and I can't seem to get rid of this mess!

Between Miss L and me, that's a lot of phone calls this morning. I also need to schedule dentist appointments for all 6 of us, but that might have to wait until tomorrow.

EDIT: I finally talked to the nurse again and she said that the doctor doesn't think I could possibly still have an infection after two rounds of antibiotics. So... I hope she's right! If it gets worse I'm supposed to call back. 

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There were some good things about this weekend though!
Saturday:

Halloween Carnival with my fabulous moms' group

Sunday:

"Hiking" at Rainbow Mountain

Friday Free For All

* Somebody fell off the swing yesterday. Luckily, this one wasn't on my watch.

* We completed our 30th day of homeschooling today, right before our public school system goes back. I can't say I haven't had second thoughts. I've wavered back and forth between absolutely believing I'm doing the right thing and absolutely believing I'm certifiably insane.

*Hope springs eternal:

 
* I'm not sure it even got over 80 today. It may be August, but I'm as ready for Fall as I'll ever be! Bring it on!

* I've been working out more than ever, now that I'm forced to spend an hour and a half at the YMCA twice a week while the older boys take karate. I gained weight this week. I don't want to talk about it.

* I plan to put the kids to bed early-ish, and take a nice long bath (after I clean the Lego boats out of there) and read the magazine that came in the mail today that promises to cure me of my emotional eating. I'll let you know how that one goes.  

* We may not have gotten to go to the beach, but at least we have ice cream.

Top 10 Reasons I'm not Writing This Blog Post

1 - C has gotten out of bed at least 8 times and now nap time is almost over and I'm thinking of just how much I understand the author of the book, Go The F*ck To Sleep.

2 - I stopped for 45 minutes to finish a science lesson and expended a large amount of my current supply of brain power.

3 - I can't think of anything to write that doesn't involve food, dieting, homeschooling or politics.

4 - I was interrupted by a phone call reminding me of Miss L's ENT appointment tomorrow.

5 - I had to stop at least 4 times to tell d & O to stop SCREAMING in the play room, which shares a wall with C's room. (Who, we remember, was supposed to be taking a nap.)

6 - I can't stop thinking about this marshmallow fluff frosting that I love so very, very much. I made it into sort of a trifle last week and can't stop wanting it again. (Trifle was 4 layers: almonds, sugar free chocolate pudding, salty pretzels and fluff on top. OMG.)

7 - I need to go to the store. I don't want to take children.

8 -  I bet that marshmallow fluff would be great with mandarin oranges. Or, just a large spoon.

9 - I'm thinking about missing my friends. I want a coffee night, or better yet, a weekend. While we're wishing, a whole vacation doesn't sound too far fetched. The kids need a play date too... public school starts again soon, so I should invite over our "older" friends before then.

10 - I'm trying to decide what's for dinner.

The Good, The Bad and The Disgusting

The Good
C & L's thumbs seem to be doing well. C's look  the best, not swollen, barely bruised and once we took the giant bandages off he could use his hands a little more. Miss L's thumb is very bruised and swollen and seems to hurt more than C's. Still, they're both doing pretty well and by this time next week I hope they'll be mostly healed, although I'm not sure if that's realistic.

The Bad
One of my cats has gone absolutely bat-shit crazy.
Pip is our SUPER sweet, laid back, fat, soft, sweetheart of a house cat. He's been heavily loved on by every child here, and many more visiting children. Wednesday morning, he lost his mind and got into a huge fight with our other cat - Pepper. (The all white, a little skittish, not quite as nice to children, snooty house cat.) I thought it was a one time thing, because we've had them both over a year, adopted them as kittens and they are like brothers. They sleep together, eat together, bathe each other, play together... everything.
Well, two more huge knock down, screaming, hair flying, cat fights and two more narrowly avoided fights and I decided it was something more than a fluke. The thing is, I don't know what it is. Pepper doesn't want to fight, he runs away and tries to hide but Pip keeps coming after him! He's not sick. They're both neutered and fully vaccinated. I think it could be this: Redirected Aggression
Most of what I'm reading is not encouraging. (Keep them separated, supervise any time together, work with a professional trainer, and it can take anywhere from days to a  month or more to get over. Noise might be a trigger! NOISE. In a house with 6 people, 2 cats and a dog. hahahaha)

I don't mean to sound like pets aren't worth some work, but realistically I have 4 kids and cannot possibly babysit 2 cats all damn day. (Not to mention, I won't be able to leave them alone together!)
These aren't like little spats - this is a full on cat fight. Very frightening for me and especially the kids. I worry one of them will accidentally get in the middle, or I'll get scratched or bitten while trying to get the cats into separate rooms. Or worse, one of the kids will be a target. I don't know what to do!

I've spent all day today putting one cat out on the screened in porch so the other one can come in and switching on and off, and keeping the aggressor on a leash next to me when they are both inside. I mean... really? I can't fully explain the ridiculousness of this. (ALSO, aren't cats supposed to be low maintenance?!)

I'm at a loss.

The Disgusting

APPARENTLY, Pepper, when he's scared/in a cat fight? He pees. Everywhere. Imagine 2 pissed off cats running through the house and one of them peeing in every spot he runs though/hides in. (x 3 fights)
I bet you're glad you weren't in my house yesterday. I used an entire new container of Clorox wipes and steam mopped 2 times. I also thanked my lucky stars that the cats aren't allowed in the bedrooms since the other rooms are hard floors.
Oh, and I also had to steam clean the carpet, but that was a disgusting act by a non-hairy child. *sigh*

Today was not my day.

Today was supposed to go like this:
D stays home, I take 2 younger kids to quick doctor's appointment, then we take the whole family to the water park with our FREE passes! Fun family day. The End.

Today went like this:
D stays home. Kids are incredibly whiny. 3 of the 4 have had a slight fever over the weekend or on Monday with no other symptoms. I take kids to doctor's appointment (which involves me going to the 2nd floor and dealing with a rude receptionist that finally points me to the right floor - 5th. Oops.)
The "quick" doctors appointment took almost 2 hours and I had water and some paper and pens. And that's it. No snacks. (ROOKIE MISTAKE) The kids weren't that bad, but they do BOTH have to have surgery* (WTF?) and it cost me $60. (with the promise of much more, I'm sure, after surgeries!) I finally got home (Miss L fell asleep by now) and d is taking a nap. The 7 year old put himself to bed, for goodness sake. So, now he's sick too and the water park is off. I finish up the school day with O, and give d the rest of the day off. I set about doing the 4 loads of laundry. I dump it on the bed and it smells... bad. Really bad. I ask D if he happened to leave the basket on the floor in the laundry room and he can't remember.  (?!) The cats have a disgusting habit of peeing in the laundry basket if it's on the floor in the laundry room, especially if they happen to be mad about something. (They are on a diet, so yeah, they're pissed.)
I'm sure you see where I'm going with this, right? I had to re-wash all the freakin' laundry. The rest of the day was fine. I got to go through two huge boxes of pristine clothes handed down to Miss L and she is SET for at least a year for only the cost of shipping. We even had a water gun fight after dinner where I took my frustrations of the day out on D for leaving the damn laundry on the floor.

*they both have trigger thumb (C actually has it in both thumbs) and have to have surgery.

Scissors

A conversation that could be overheard in our kitchen this morning between D & I:

"I've been working really hard on Weight Watchers the last 3 weeks and I'm down almost 8 pounds!" 

 "That's great!"

Pause.

 "Yeah, I skipped a second helping of dinner last night and I'm down 5 pounds this morning." 

Pause.

Pause.

Pause. 

"You really shouldn't say things like that to me when I'm holding scissors."

Love/Hate

Love that I can now use my cell phone in the house but hate that it has a weird delay so that I constantly feel like I'm interrupting people. (Or am I? Not sure...)

Love that I'm finding new, low point recipes (3 lettuce wraps, spread with 1 tbsp greek yogurt mixed with ranch powder and 2 slice lunch meat each is a yummy lunch for only 2 points!) (baked potato, cut in strips and broiled in the oven and then dipped in greek yogurt mixed with ranch dip is like eating potato skins for 5 points! YUM!)  and LOVE that I've lost 5 pounds, but hate that I'm constantly, CONSTANTLY thinking about food. I think it just makes me want to eat more!

Love Facebook. HATE Facebook.

Love my new hair cut! Hate how much work it is when I straighten it.

I love that our garden is doing so well! We had green beans and salad from our garden at dinner last night. Hate, hate, HATE how dirty produce is. When I put the lettuce in a bowl of vinegar and water to clean it, a HUGE spider jumped out carrying it's egg sack. I felt a little bad to kill it (It was a mother! Trying to save it's babies!) but I really could not catch and release it. I just couldn't. Ick. And to think, I carried that damn lettuce in my bare hands across the yard and into the house and it could have GOTTEN ON ME. EW. 

Love that I have schooling options. Hate that I can't decide on any! Also, hate that private school costs so much.

I love that I have an adorable new nephew, but I hate that he's so far away and I'm not sure when I'll get to meet him.

I love that I'm so on-the-ball that I've already gotten my Crappy Day package, my mom's Mother's Day present, and my SIL's birthday present bought, wrapped and ready to send. I hate the post office so much that they've been sitting here for 4 days, and if I don't send them soon they'll be late. WHY can't there be drive through post offices?! 

grump

It's not even 10 AM and it's already one of those days. I woke up very congested, and with a headache. I wanted to stay in bed, but there were 4 little people that prevented that. D couldn't stay home from work because he's in charge of the blood drive today.

There's an issue at d's school that needs addressing, but I need to work up the courage to do it and also figure out the best way. It's not something I can just ignore.

d is in charge of taking his own coat and/or back pack to the car, but he forgot both today. I grabbed his back pack but he didn't get his coat and of course he was upset when I wouldn't go back and get it and then he didn't want to get out of the car and I hate making him go when he's upset. After forcing him out dropping him off I got the other 3 ready to go so the boys could go to preschool and I could get much needed groceries. O waited until everyone was nearly ready to tell me that his head and tummy hurt. He looked unwell once I actually noticed and he NEVER says he didn't want to go to school so when he said he didn't, I let him stay home. Then C didn't want to go either, and frankly at this point I decided I might as well keep them both home since I couldn't do my errands with a whiny sick child anyway. (I do not venture to the store when someone's tummy hurts. That seems like asking for trouble.)
Now everyone is sort of cranky and out of sorts and that includes me. 

I was planning to use a Starbucks gift card to get a yummy coffee, but I had to make my own instead and for some reason it just tastes terrible. Bitterness, perhaps?

The Happy Heavy Homemaker

Since this new year has started, I've been on an organizing spree. I've been sprucing up closets, de-cluttering and re-purposing everything I can get my hands on. Almost every room in my house has been subject to change, and it makes me smile to walk into a nicely organized, tidy, room. I feel like the whole house has gotten a face lift!
(Look for a post soon on Penny's new, out of the way, bed, and Miss L's newly organized room.)

While my financial diet is going (pretty) well and the house has never looked better, I feel like I'm working on everything but myself. I'm deliberately ignoring my diet and haven't made it to the gym AT ALL THIS YEAR.
I don't know why I'm sticking my head in the sand about this. Perhaps I'm sick of dieting. Since August of last year, I've only lost 10 pounds. (and if I'm being honest, I've gained back half.)
I'm tired of counting calories, I'm tired of going to the gym and Miss L causing me to leave after only 15 minutes. I make excuses for not going after D gets home, or before he leaves - which is admittedly very early in the morning.
It's like someone has told me I have to lose weight and now it's the only thing I don't want to do. (Like when you're pregnant and suddenly want to eat sushi and drink beer - even if you typically hate those things.)
Stubborn.

I truly do want to lose weight, so maybe it's time for my head to come out of the sand.


I'm looking forward to the glass on the left being empty.

Don't bother...

Don't bother...

* sending me political emails. Especially inflammatory ones. Especially ones that you know will make me want to reach through the computer and slap your stupid face.

* trying to change my mind about vaccinations/breastfeeding/co-sleeping/baby wearing/sleep training/spanking/time outs/and/or any other parenting topics you think I should do a different way. A discussion is one thing. Trying to make me do something your way and/or insulting a group of people who choose differently, is something else.

* telling me you're going to do something if you have NO INTENTION OF FOLLOWING THROUGH.

* using guilt and/or passive agressiveness to attempt to make me do what you want.

* putting music on your blog. Nobody likes that. (seriously, I can't read and listen to music? can you?!) 

Also...
* relationships work two ways. Giving (gifts/of yourself/time/etc)  is much more satisfying if it is reciprocated occasionally. No one likes being taken advantage of.
* The Golden Rule is always in effect.
* No one likes someone who is ALWAYS self-centered.

Gold stars

If you've ever read the Five Love Languages book, you will know what I'm talking about when I say that one of my two primary love languages is "words of affirmation." (The other is gifts.)
The problem with needing words of affirmation is that when I do NOT get the words/gestures I seek, I feel unappreciated and hurt. If that happens enough, I get frustrated and feel chronically unappreciated. That can eventually lead to feeling bitter and resentful, and that is not a good way to feel.

I'm trying to learn to deal with my hurt so that it doesn't turn into resentment. (Going around telling people off doesn't seem to be a good option.)

I realize that feeling unappreciated doesn't mean I am unappreciated, but it's hard to just tell myself that and move on. I guess I hold a grudge. My mom says that I'm just growing up, and losing my rose colored glasses. D says I'm just getting tired of being nice, but... I don't want to be annoyed all the time. I want to deal with being unappreciated in a way that doesn't leave me bitter, and also doesn't leave my sh*t list with a growing number of occupants. 

Do you need gold stars? How do you deal when you don't get them?

Aw, I love you guys.

Wow, the comments on the last post were really something. Understanding, helpful, sweet and supportive. I love you guys. *tear*

On a totally unrelated note, there are some pet peeves that drive me absolutely crazy and I am working on solutions. Solutions don't necessarily mean "make the kids/husband do what I want" but sometimes mean "adjust my way of thinking/feeling/reacting and/or give up control."

Mealtime:
My kids have become absolute heathens at the table. I mean - fake burping & tooting, tipping chairs, jumping up and down, saying "dirty" words like PEE PEE and POO POO (I know -hilarious- right?) generally not eating, whining about eating and complaining about what I made/asking for goldfish/dessert/anything else. The last straw came when one of them put their SHOES on their brothers PLATE. EW!
I don't think simple good manners are really too much to ask! 

So, new rules. Mean words, rude noises and rude complaints about the menu get one warning and then time out. No yelling. No telling you to STOP IT 598,724,085 times. Same goes for jumping, chair tipping and for all bad table manners. If you are done, you may leave but don't disrupt dinner for the rest of us.
No more begging you to take bites. This is dinner. Eat it or don't eat it. Eat 5 helpings of salad and no lasagna. Whatev. 
We don't have dessert that often, but I'm going to stop giving dessert a higher value than dinner. No more, "Eat this and you can have that."  We'll see how that goes... this is the hardest part for me. (That's also not to say that they can have dessert FOR dinner. Not at all.)

So far, it's going well.
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Rushing:
I have come to realize that I get MOST frustrated when I'm in a hurry. I HATE being late, but with all these little bodies to dress (and re-dress) and put shoes on and take potty and then pack lunches and backpacks and remember tuition/lunch money/homework/whatever and then put it all AND the kids in the car, well.... I'm late a lot.
You would think it would be easy. Just start sooner, give yourself more time, and be more organized. I know that is at least part of the answer but it's so hard to do!
O is S.L.O.W. No two ways about it. I have never met a child who takes SO MUCH TIME to stop and smell the roses. Of course, this might be an admirable quality, but not necessarily to his harried mother! I am *trying* to be more patient with him and give him more time/notice to do things. For instance, he insists on buckling his own car seat (he just learned how...) but it takes him a minimum of 5 minutes, plus the slooooow walk to the car, the climb into the last row in the van, the stopping to turn lights on and off, on and off, playing peek-a-boo with the baby, climbing into his seat, and, well, you get the point. Slow process.

I am trying to slow down too, and not rush him so much. I do it to all the kids, but he especially gets the brunt of my frustration in this area because he takes his sweet time to do everything. (As an aside, my own dad used to call me SP - Slow Poke - as a child, because I took so long to do everything. Funny how it drives me ker-azy now. I'm sure they are laughing at my payback. ha) 
What's a few more minutes, anyway?
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Random:
Do any of your kids freak out over stupid crap like what color plate or cup they get? My kids are driving me bonkers in this area. (and have been for awhile...)
I can't think of anything I can do about it other than:
1) Ask them ahead of time what color they want and try to accommodate.
OR 2) Give them a plate/cup/whatever in the first color I grab, and tell them to deal with it.
I definitely don't remember getting a choice when I was a kid, nor did I expect one. Sometimes I don't care, but sometimes I just want them to take the damn plate and shut up about it.

The wrong foot

Isn't it amazing how one little thing can start the whole day off on the wrong foot?

D won't be coming home today until well after the kids go to bed because he has rugby. He also informed me that he was planning to go to the AWAY game on Friday. Which means he's taking off of work early - even though he hasn't made it home before 6 any day this week so far.

We got into an argument over that because we have an agreement that he's in for HOME games this fall and not away games; plus it made me crabby enough to nitpick other stupid stuff: forgetting to put the trash bag in the can, and giving the kids huge slices of watermelon (= huge mess).

Of course that made him crabby too, and before you know it I'm angry, he's irritated, we're both feeling picked on and he's gone for work and I'm teary at the bleak prospect of a long day with no reinforcements. (and feeling guilty for being naggy and irritated yet also feeling like I have a right to be)

Wouldn't it be nice if it stopped there? Somehow it seems to bleed into other aspects of life. I find myself irritated with the dog for shedding too much, and annoyed with the baby for pulling all the books off the bookshelf - AGAIN.
I feel sullen and crabby and snappish with the children, and then - of course - it starts to rain so there's no way to go outside and play. And I feel put upon, like it's a HUGE BURDEN and a PERSONAL SLIGHT that it's raining.

I hate moods like this.

So, I put the baby down for a nap (because if you got up at 5:30 you'd need a nap by 8:30 too...) and I put the bigger kids in front of PBS and I'm writing this and trying to improve my attitude.
I can't stop the rain, but I can drink some iced coffee and pet a purring kitten while watching the news and try to snap out of this mood.

Of course, while I was writing this I was trying to ignore the "destroying sounds" coming from the play room and finally gave up and found the 2 year old on top of the toy shelf, in a puddle of pee, and all the toys on the floor. It's amazing the trouble he can get into in 15 minutes, with me literally steps away.

*sigh* I'd be lying if I said I handled it well.

It might be a long day.

Oh, and rain? If you're going to ruin my day could you rain all evening, so practice might be cancelled too? Kthx.

Attitude

My 4 year old is driving me nuts! He's All Attitude - All the Time, lately. He bosses everyone around! He whines and screams and throws an all out, 2 year old like tantrum when he doesn't get his way. It's driving me KER-azy!
The 2 year old does better with going potty than he does lately! He has gotten soooo lazy about it, and he just doesn't want to do WHATEVER I ask him. It makes me yell-y and crabby.

Then, the next minute, he's all sweet and loving and helpful and the child I know he can be. Frustrating and exhausting.

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The 2 year old is doing well with learning the potty. We're not quite there yet, but he's doing well. We've even been able to have several outings with underwear and no need for pull-ups. We're definitely on our way!

He's thriving with all the extra positive attention too. It makes me realize how much he really needs some extra one on one time. It's hard to carve that out with 3 demanding little ones.

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The 1 year old is no longer walking, but running full speed at every chance he gets. He's pretty laid back, and a very happy guy - unless it comes to food. If you have food and he wants it; watch out!

He's got the ability to swing from happy to seriously ticked off in less than 2 seconds flat, and then back again just as quickly.

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One of the nice things about these ages is that they're all old enough to play together, although the baby does sometimes get left out. The best thing though, is that they all sleep through the night most of the time. About 5 nights a week there are no wake up calls!

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Seriously, we have GOT to find a regular babysitter. It's so frustrating to never have anyone to call when we want to have a date night! We have never used a babysitter who wasn't a close friend or family and even then it's only been a handful of times. (which is why we average about 2 dates a year, maybe...) But, as we all know, the kids are so demanding and we don't get any time together unless they're in bed. And lately, I've been so tired that *I* just want to be in bed. Since it doesn't look like I'm going to convince any of my family to move down here anytime soon (or ever) I guess I should just bite the bullet.

I know there are websites, people I could ask, and services - but how do I get over my fear of having a terrible babysitter?! I don't trust a lot of people until I KNOW them and that is a problem in a situation like this.

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I've been thinking about the possibility of having a girl more realistically since yesterday, it's something I've thought briefly of in the past but never really dwelled on it since I didn't know if it would ever happen. I still don't know if I really believe the test, there's a lot of controversy over tests like this. Some claim they're just a hoax, and some believe in them wholeheartedly. I'm somewhere in the middle.
I don't believe it enough to BELIEVE it, but I don't disbelieve it enough to call it a scam. In any case, that's neither here nor there.

Since I've been thinking about what it would really be like to have a girl, I'm a little nervous. I mean, yay! Cute, girly clothes! Not being completely outnumbered - yay!
But, I know boys. I know boy clothes, toys, etc - it's just a world that I'm very comfortable in. I'd *almost* been thinking that I'd prefer another little brother for my guys.

I guess I don't really know what I want. I suppose that's a good thing, since that means I'll be happy either way, right?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the weekend! Better yet, it's a weekend away! It's been a long, long week. The kids were sick, then I was sick and D was working late. I put the kids to bed by myself every day this week, except for today. Today, D took a sick day which was nice in some ways and ANNOYING in others. (PS - I need a boss who offers sick days.)

Everything is getting on my nerves. Husband, kids, dog, cat, chores, laundry, weather.
I really need this break. And when I come back, I'm going to seriously try to find a reliable babysitter or ask my parents to come down for a few days so D and I can take a little vacation together. I've been realizing lately that we need to have more couple time. If I wait for things to slow down, they never will.

Have a great weekend & see you Monday!