The Real Engagement

I have shared many fake engagement stories (see "relationships" label), so now it is time I share the real story.

It was June 15th, 2002 and we happened to be visiting Ross' family over in Panama City. His sister, Shelby, was also home that weekend (it was Father's Day weekend) so all seemed normal. I had been faked out so many times through the duration of knowing we were going to get engaged relatively soon (we had a wedding date in mind for after graduation the following December). 

At this point, besides all the fake engagement stories I have shared before, there were many more times I suspected it was "the time",  but then another day passed. That weekend I honestly had put the idea out of my head because I didn't want to get my hopes up, or ruin the surprise of it all. 

On Friday Ross decided to tell Shelby his plans- good thing! He planned a REAL FAKE Engagement! That's right- he was going to be mean and fake me out the night before to "throw me off". He planned to take me on a romantic date over to Seaside (where Truman Show was filmed) and get down on one knee and all and not actually propose, just set it up to fake me out. In the words of Stephanie Tanner "How Rude!". LUCKILY Shelby told him that was a very Stupid Idea, so he decided not to do it.

So Saturday morning comes around. We got up early because Ross told me he had to "run his dad's boat out for a little while to make sure the engine is running good for Father's Day". I believed him so I just threw on a bathing suit and and got ready to go (no shower or make up or anything like that, cause it was just going to be a quick boat ride, right). Meanwhile, Ross' family all knew what was up so his mom packed a fancy lunch for us. 

I totally didn't see this one coming! We go out to an island called Shell Island that we usually went by boat to the beach for. Everything seemed normal until I noticed Ross kept looking up in the sky. I kept asking him what he was looking for and he just said he was watching for those boat-plane things. By the way, there was NO one out there with us, it was like our own private island that day- pretty cool.

So all of a sudden this random guy on a jet ski pull up next to us and says "I have a delivery for Amy Hoch." What??!! We are out on an island... what is going on? He hands me a Walmart bag with a postal box in it and says "there you go". We get up on the boat and I open the box. My heart begins racing...

I open the postal box and all these notes fall out... I had an idea what was going on at that point, but Ross thought it'd be funny to act like it was a box from a stalker so the notes were to "throw me off again" and they said stuff like "I've been watching you... etc" (I didn't fall for it, but I didn't care, I saw a little jewelry box at the bottom!)

So I pull out the ring box and open it... BLING! BLING! The ring box alone was awesome... it had a spotlight that shined on the fat diamond! Ross gets down on one knee and says some romantic stuff that I can't quite remember (sorry, I was distracted by a fat ring!), but I did hear the "will you marry me?" "YES of Course!" I scream back! After enjoying the moment for a couple hours we started calling everyone we knew... then went to a romantic dinner (after getting all dolled up at home) at THE Capt. Anderson's in PC. And the rest is history...

But there was a catch.... Ross told me why he kept looking in the sky. The guy who came on the jet ski ended up calling a little while later and explained why he came by jet ski... Ross hired him to deliver the ring by boat plane, then we were supposed to go on a little ride after the proposal, but of course that day he went to start it and it wouldn't start. After calling several other friends and people with boat plans, all having engine trouble for some reason, he resulted in delivering it by jet ski. ha! I didn't mind... I still got it! 

Ross was funny, he wrapped it in several layers of floatable stuff and in a walmart bag so if it accidently fell out of the boat plane it would float. haha. 

Anywho- that's the story. I love my man and his creativeness. I would say YES to him a million times over!

Courtship vs. Dating (On Healthy Relationships pt. 7)

The long awaited finale of the On Healthy Relationships Series is here! Here is the last post in case you have missed it or forget it at this point. :) Sorry this is a long one... it's important!

Let me start with a little personal history on this topic. I dated for years, as most people do in this world... it started out where I was attracted to a guy, I would bat my little eyes at him (flirt), and then he'd ask me out. No matter what his character was like, no matter if we were headed in the same direction in life, no matter if we believed in the same things... when I saw someone I thought was cute, I would go for him. And what would happen during this relationship? We'd usually flirt, try to impress each other any way possible, and try to push each other as close to "the edge" as we could get... usually resulting me in feeling guilty and shameful the next day.

This process went on for years. I thought this was the only way to find "the one". I thought this was normal, as frustrating as the process was, I convinced myself I was having fun, because everyone who was dating around was, right? But it usually only ended in me giving myself too much, physically, emotionally, mentally to someone who I wasn't even sure I truly liked for the long term. It was a vicious cycle.

Then, in the middle of my freshman year of college- God showed up. Literally. (I will share a post on this encounter another time) but let's get to the point, right? After God showed up, my mind was changed. I realized there was another way to do this dating thing, another way to find "the one". A better way.

Some may call it courting, some dating... I prefer Dating with a Purpose. Whatever you call it, once God gets a hold of your life, everything looks different, and this is a major part of my life that drastically changed- thank God!

Dating with a purpose is not the same as engagement. I've heard this definition before: an official, public, accountable dating relationship with the intention of marriage, creating a morally safe avenue for 2 people to seek the will of God together.

Don't let the "intention of marriage" phrase scare you. It simply means that you have a purpose, you aren't aimlessly dating around or the fun of it, but have a reason you are getting to know each other so well. There is always the option of going back to friendship with this way of dating because you don't cross the lines of emotional/physical/spiritual intimacy; but if one of these are crossed, then there will be weirdness if they aren't the one.

Most people think of courting or dating with a purpose being where you just don't cross that physical line, but we must be on guard not to cross the emotional or spiritual one in this stage. Just being physically abstinent as a single person is not the Bible's standard (1 Cor. 7:1, 1 Thess 4, 1 Tim 5). I don't know about you, but I wouldn't tolerate my husband being emotionally promiscuous. Song of Songs 8:4 says we should not stir up or entertain passions or desires that we cannot righteously fulfill. Bottom line: flirting leads to defrauding and fantasy is dangerous.

Most people look at love as something that is feelings driven, "chemistry", and temporary, that just sets us up for failure down the road. I think anyone can have chemistry with ANYONE, if either of you are slightly attractive and in the right setting or mood. I think that term is so overrated and just plain dumb. That is emotional intimacy and sets a pattern for instability, most likely leading to divorce down the road because "the feelings are gone". The more you set the pattern of breaking up, the easier it becomes.

There is no cookie cutter relationship, some people will date for 2 months, some for 2 years, but you need to embrace the season and get to know that person, and just because you are "courting, or dating with a purpose" doesn't mean you are getting married- they aren't your husband or wife until you make the investment of a large diamond and beautiful wedding! Some of Ross' and my most fun times were when we were dating and getting to know each other.
So when dating with a purpose you have accountability- you are open to people asking the hard questions, you have standards- physical, emotional, and spiritual lines that you establish together from the beginning and don't cross til you are married, and you are heading in a direction that brings you BOTH closer to God and His calling on your life.

As I had to learn the hard way- Don't try to play God in your relationships (forcing, flirting, playing around); Let God Write Your Love Story. He will bring His best for you, when you are ready for it. And trust me- His Best is THE Best!

So... what do you think is the difference between dating as a Christian and dating as our culture sees it?

Side note: I wanted to give some resources for books on relationships:
The Friendship of Women by Dee Brestin
Seasons of Friendship by Ruth Senter (these first 2 are about healthy friendships)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye & Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge
Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jacke Kendall
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy
Going All the Way by Craig Groeschel

The M Word

Ok, here's the dealy-o. This blog is co-authored by my amazing husband and myself.

In response to my previous blog on the 6 F's (foundations for relationships), this subject stirred some controversy so I wanted to address it in full.

There are few people (especially pastors) willing to talk about The M Word, masturbation. But it's time to expose this sin to light. I know this may be a touchy subject to a lot of you, but I think it is one that is just not talked about because of the shame and perversion it consists of.

Just because the M word is not found in the Bible, doesn't mean it is not a sin. There are plenty of things that aren't specifically mentioned in the bible that are sin. So that logic just doesn't fly. I once heard that Sin is fulfilling a legitimate need, illegitimately. Masturbation is a form of trying to fulfill a sexual need in an illegitimate way. Just like any sin pattern, it can be broken. I know MANY men and women that have gotten free from that "habit". Just like they say about pot being the gateway drug to hard core drugs like cocaine, I think masturbation is the same in the sex world... it's the gateway to bigger and harder to break sexually immoral things.

I don't believe people can masturbate and not think about a person lustfully (Matt. 5:28). I think that the desire to masturbate comes from the desire to have sex, and if you aren't married, biblically you cannot have sex. So that makes it a battle in your mind. Jesus calls us to take our thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ, and masturbation acts on a fantasy in your mind, therefore the problem is in your mind, it is just the manifestation and fleshing out of what is going on inside your head. If you have a problem with anger or aggression, masturbating is not going to fix that, that is a deeper problem. If you use that logic with any type of sin, it just doesn't make sense. The only way to fix sinful problems is to repent and allow God to come in and change your heart and patterns in your life.

The reason people cannot stop masturbating is because they are in bondage to it... if it wasn't sinful you wouldn't be driven to do it. If you really think it isn't sin, I challenge you to not do it for a year, and see if you are able to. My bet... you won't be able to unless you repent and ask God to give you victory over it. Another sign it is a sin, it produces shame, guilt, and you are too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.

So now you may be asking yourself, how do I get out of this vicious cycle?
The biggest ways to break this bondage in your life would be to confess the Word, find God's promises in the Bible that talk about taking thoughts captive and purity and speak them over yourself. Another way, Prayer- Pray that God would give you victory. See James 5:16, go to someone and confess that you have a problem and have them pray for you. Stay accountable. If you have a lust problem, or porn problem, get xxxchurch.com on your computer.

Let the comments begin...

The 6 F's (On Healthy Relationships pt. 6)

It's finally time to complete the 6 F's! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get this post out there, but if you missed the first 3 of 6, here is the link.

The 6 F's, or foundations needed before even thinking of that next level with a guy (and can be used vice versa for a girl) is what we have been talking about.

1. Fulfillment
2. Feelings
3. Family
4. Finding
5. Forgetting
6. Fondling

4. Finding wisdom in the counsel of many. You need an outside perspective of the situation, someone to let you know if you both are ready for that next step. You've probably heard before, and I totally believe that The Right thing at the Right time is the Right thing; The Right thing at the Wrong time is the Wrong thing; and the Wrong thing at the Wrong time is the Wrong Thing!
No matter how much you think you know that person, you need to make sure there isn't some big issue or sin in their life (or yours for that matter). You should see if they have accountability or spiritual coaches that could clue you in on timing and/or if there should even be a next step. I saw how important this was in my own life through friendships and relationships I had with my "spiritual coaches", who helped me see if even thinking about Ross was a good idea, and could be reality, or if I was just way off in a dream world. It's not about telling the world that you like someone, it's about being wise and thinking through a major step in your life. This is a lame example, but I am sure going to talk to my friends or connections in the financial world before I jump into the stock market and buy the first thing that looks good. I want to know what I would be investing in, you should to!

5. Forgetting "...one thing I do, forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead..." Phil. 3:12-14 You need to let go of the past, and not fear the future. Any past relationships that may have burned you need to be healed, and any that you haven't let go of yet must be cut off. I know from experience that they WILL come back to haunt you if you don't take care of them before moving into the next relationship. Even if you haven't ever been in a relationship, don't let the fear of failing keep you from the joy of being in one in the future. There is freedom in failure (whether you continue dating or not, I'm not talking about sin here). You learn from mistakes. A great book I would recommend that address this very topic is Lady in Waiting by Kendell & Jones.

6. Fondling I saved the best for last! There must be no hint of sexual immorality (Eph. 5:3), don't even look at a person lustfully or you have committed adultery in your heart (Matt. 5:28). This includes the M word, masturbation. Yes I typed it! You may think that is only an issue men deal with, but it is becoming a bigger one for women in the recent years. "That behavior undermines your integrity and even your ultimate sexual and emotional fulfillment once you are married. When we think about doing something, and play it out in our thoughts, it makes it much easier to engage in that behavior. IT is also an act of pride, telling God His Holy Spirit can't satisfy you so you have to yourself."- Shannon Ethridge. This is critical: You Must draw your line in the sand BEFORE You start dating. If you think you will be in a right mind to make the decision to not go any further physically, when you are in the heat of the moment... you will get burned. When you have the DTR (defining the relationship talk) you should have it in your mind to, right then, have the physical STANDARDS talk! Like I mentioned before, the way you hold to these standards not only shows how much you respect God, and his commands, but it especially shows how much you respect each other, and can trust each other for the years to come (if that is the case).

There you have it... I want FEEDBACK!

I will be posting one final On Relationships pt. 7 soon, on Courtship vs. Dating- my thoughts. So that will conclude this series... with perfection (7)

The 6 F's (On Healthy Relationships pt. 5)

The 6 F's, or foundations needed before even thinking of that next level with a guy (and can be used vice versa for a girl)

1. Fulfillment

As I mentioned in the first of this series, our fulfillment, security, and identity must be found only in Jesus. This includes the understanding and satisfaction in a calling to be celibate if that is what God has called you to. I know many of you might be reading this and say "WHAT?!" But this truly reveals if your motives are pure and not for security. Majority of people, I believe are going to get married one day, but I think this is a critical mindset to have before jumping into a relationship. Ask yourself, "What if God wants me to stay single my whole life?" You need to be secure and content in the fact that God has the final say in wether you get in a relationship or not, ever. If God calls you to remain single, God will satisfy those desires of companionship in you.  (This mindset is also critical when you are married and want children too, I think... you gotta find contentment and satisfaction in what God's plans are, not your own). The healthiest marriages are when 2 secure, mature individuals come together. You gotta start with a season of victorious single living. 

2. Feelings

You must be character driven, not emotionally/feelings driven. Character driven people are people who do right, then feel good; not feel good about something then do right. Character driven means commitment driven, not convenience driven. They make principle based decisions, not popular based decisions. They believe then see, not have to see to believe. They are consistent and steady, not moody and flighty. This includes understanding that you and your future spouse are in a state of preparation, how you live as a single person is how you will be as a married person. This is why I really respected and trusted Ross so much when we were dating. He made a commitment not to do anything more than hug me or hold my hand when we were dating... at first I thought that was way too extreme, but then I realized- he is setting the bar way high so that if we were "slip up" then it wouldn't be into something irreversible or with severe consequences. The biggest thing it showed me in him though, was that I could trust him once we were married. I could trust that if he could wait 2 years before doing anything with me, if he was in a situation working with a woman, or something like that... he could show restraint and I could trust that he wouldn't "slip up" with anyone else. How awesome and secure is that?!

Ed Cole said "How you leave one thing is how you enter another." When you are dating, you are setting patterns in your relationships that will only multiply when you get married... the good and the bad! You can't make your standards in your relationship in the heat of the moment... you gotta draw the lines in the sand before you get there! Do not become anxious, know that God's timing is perfect and your destiny begins as a single person, not once you are married. 

3. Family

As I mentioned previously, you need to have strong relationships with people of the same sex as you. You should know who you are called to walk with, as in spiritual family. You find your people, you find your purpose. The reason is so you have someone you can go to outside your relationship for wisdom, guidance and accountability. Also for friends that are committed to you and will tell you the truth. (Ex. Ruth & Naomi) This is so critical... sometimes I need to talk to someone other than my husband about things to get outside perspective!

4. Finding

5. Forgetting

6. Fondling

We'll save those for the next post. Give me feedback!!

Date Night!

One of my favorite things to do is Date Night with Ross! I love it! It is hard to leave the kids with babysitters, luckily they usually do great with them... and thankfully we have some amazing friends that love to watch our kids. Yes, let me just say THANK YOU once again, you know who you are... who love on my kids, that in its self, is such a blessing! My prayer is that my kids bless you in the process!

It's so funny how our date nights have changed over the years. We used to be so consistent in the beginning, when we didn't have to worry about babysitters or money (it seemed). We would usually go to dinner, a movie or to some sort of event (play, concert at the music school, museum, etc) and stay out late and talk for hours at Lake Ella. As much as I miss those days where we had no time constraint, It has changed a lot...for the better I believe now! 

Now we usually spend our time more wisely... and our money (since we currently have a lack of). This actually has been good for us, it makes us do things where we have to talk more and not just sit and be entertained. One of my favorite things to do now is go to dinner, and then to Starbucks or walk around the Southwood lake. That is usually all we have time for, but I don't mind...we get more face time and it seems more critical now than ever. We have to fight for our date nights now...life gets so busy and things always seem to "come up" so we HAVE to make it a priority. 

Date nights aren't just a night out for us, they are critical nights to reconnect, re-evaluate where we are going and what we are doing, and rejuvenate. One of the most important times of the night is when we ask each other "How am I doing lately?" We sit there and honestly asses how we are doing... if something is bothering us, or if we have done something particularly great lately to bless each other. Since we started doing this a few years ago, I feel like we have been so much more productive in our dates and in our time together. We can put any frustrations out there and get over it so we can  enjoy each other the rest of the evening/day. It is also a great time to ask each other "what has God been doing in you lately?" and to reflect and remember what is doing on deeper and behind the scenes in your life. Talk about connecting!

So I encourage you... whether you are dating, married or just hanging out with a friend... use those times wisely and don't waste them...I would even encourage you to asses how you are doing in the relationship with each other. Ask the other person to be honest when you say "How am I doing lately?" and be honest with yourself and repent if you need to... Those are also precious moments to ask "what has God been doing in you lately?" 

Enemies of Friendship (On Healthy Relationships pt. 4)

We're on to a new topic in healthy relationships finally, we're over half way done with this series (I know you will be sad to see it go, since there have been so many responses) :). 

Enemies of Friendship

Enemies of Friendship include many things like gossip, exclusivity, betrayal, envy, jealousy, and dependence on the friendship rather than on God. To overcome them, we must have our security firmly in Christ (See first post). These are primarily for your relationships with friends, but trust me, they are VITAL in marriage or dating relationships.

 

2 obstacles to overcome in any relationship:

1. Offense

ALL close relationships will go through transitions and conflicts. Things will happen, people are human and are going to do things that you don't agree with or understand, and there will come a time when you or someone else will cause an offense. The question is... what will you do when that time comes? We can't take them so personally, we can't write people  off so quickly if we get hurt or offended. When building relationships you have to think long term. We must cover an offense in love and forgive (remember, there is a big future forgiveness post coming). 

Proverbs 19:11 says "A man's wisdom give him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." 

So what do you do when it's not so easy to overlook an offense? Like Dee Brestin says "Our motivation for confrontation should always spring from a desire to improve the relationship or seek the other person's best." We must confront in love. It is easy to get angry and be resentful or want to pay it back to them, but we can't be selfish, we should always be looking to better our situations by bettering others.

We need to be committed to reconcile and talk through problems, not just throw in the towel. If you can't seem to work it out together, seek wisdom and counsel from someone else.

2. Unrealistic expectations

I could talk about this one for a long time, but in summary: Communicate and/or adjust expectations. Learn what you can and can't expect from a particular friendship/relationship. Don't put too much pressure on a friendship by putting that person on a pedestal. This is one where it is easy to get over-dependent on a friendship/relationship. When you are holding that person to ungodly standards in your life, you will be disappointed. When I say ungoldy, I mean holding someone to standards that are unrealistic, and not God-given (moral, ethical, etc).  When seasons change, the reality is you may not have the same level of friendship with a particular person. Deal with it, and don't feel rejected or guilty when friendships change. 

I believe that these 2 things are always going to be thrown at a relationship at any level, it's like a testing ground to see where that relationship is headed... so what are you going to do when faced with them?

Next On Relationships post: The 6 F's! Here's a taste.... Fulfillment, Feelings, Family, Finding, Forgetting, Fondling (yeah, that's right...stay tuned to see what this one is all about!) ha!

Fake Engagement Stories 2

In my previous post, called Speaking of Weddings... I shared a fake engagement story from Ross' and my dating years. Here is another one.

At this point in our relationship it had been almost a year and a half of dating, we had our college graduation dates set, and had started talking about what the future held. We had talked a little bit about where we were headed- towards marriage and a time frame for it. So as you can expect, I was feeling a proposal coming sometime in the near future, considering we both wanted to go in to full time ministry right after graduating and going to a graduate school together in Los Angeles. 

We went on a little trip down to Clearwater, where my family is from to visit one weekend and had a little date out at the beach. It was a beautiful night and I was thinking to myself- the timing couldn't be more perfect...the atmosphere was gorgeous, and we were in looooove.

We ate a nice dinner and went for a walk on the beach. We passed the pier and there was a wedding reception going on just ahead with a pretty tent and romantic music playing by the DJ in the back ground. It was perfect! The stars were out and the breeze was cool....I was starting to get butterflies. 

We came up to the wood lounge benches that are on the beach and I sat down. Ross sat down next to me, then leaned forward quickly...going down on ONE KNEE!! THIS IS IT! My heart started racing...I was trying so hard to hide my excitement on my face.

He reaches in his pocket... and pulls out his CELL PHONE! 

It turns out he had NO idea what was going on in my head, he just couldn't sit on the bench right with his cell phone in his pocket so he was adjusting. My heart stopped! I almost got mad at him! haha. (ok maybe I did a little) How could he trick me like that??!! I never told him about that moment until we did finally get engaged.

Just a few short weeks later the real event happened, but I'm not there yet, gotta share more fake engagement stories still....

2 more Building Blocks (On Healthy Relationships pt. 3)

I hope you aren't getting sick of this series yet... about half way though. :) Today I am going to share the final 2 Building Blocks for True Friendship. The other 2 can be found here.

1. Selflessness

2. Truthfulness and Transparency

3. Forgiveness

4.  Time and Attention

3. Forgiveness

I am not going to spend a whole lot of time on this one because I am planning on doing a future blog series specifically about forgiveness, but here is the bottom line when building true friendships.

In every relationship, no matter what level, you will have MANY opportunities to forgive. I believe bitterness is the number 1 destroyer. Forgiveness is the means to healing and strengthening relationships. Just as we all need forgiveness extended to us, we need to be quick to extend it to others. (I don't know about you, but I haven't reached perfection yet to not need forgiveness.) This has to do with the little things in life, as well as the BIG.

Colossians 3:13 says "bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you".

As author, Neil T. Anderson, says "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving, you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." 

4. Time and Attention

Invest in the relationships God has given you. Relationships will deteriorate when neglected. 

1 John 3:18 says "Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth." We have to be active in our friendships. It's so easy to say "lets hang out, or I'll call you soon" but do you follow through? Do you take the time to build with someone? Anything worth building takes time to build! Think of any worthy building, like the Taj Mahal...if I'm right, it took 17 years to build! I'm sure it took patience, vision and a lot of attention to get such a beautiful building, and so should our relationships, right?  Don't take the easy way out in friendships, it's so easy to just stay in tonight, or go shopping by myself...but take someone with you, make the effort to be with people- it will be worth it! Just making a quick phone call can make all the difference. 

Stay tuned.... the Enemies of Friendship are next...

Building Blocks (On Healthy Relationships pt. 2)

There are 4 Building Blocks for True Friendship. These are both for guy/girl relationships and friendships with anyone. I believe these are essential if you want a healthy relationship.
1. Selflessness
2. Truthfulness and Transparency
3. Forgiveness
4. Time and Attention

Today I will share 2 of the 4.
1. Selflessness: John 15:13 says "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." We need to be an others-centered people. When building friendships that last we need to always be encouraging, strengthening, and building up others. It's so easy to take friendships and "chemistry" with people for granted. And to let time go buy without realizing you haven't done anything to add to others. I believe that serving someone will bring you closer to them.
I think it's a good idea to asses your friendships and relationships every so often to see what you are adding to the mix. It's easy to fall into a pattern of criticism and negativity, disguising it has humor, or give to a relationship with expectations of something in return. That is not true serving. When you give to recieve something (whether it be affirmation or intimacy from that person (esp. ladies to men!) you will always be left disappointed. When you give freely, with no strings attached, you will receive those things from God's hand- which will always satisfy!

Ladies, let me speak to you for the moment: Don't be afraid to serve your guy friends! Galatians 5:13 says "For you were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather serve one another in love." Find ways to serve men that are appropriate to their needs without crossing boundaries of wisdom (if you don't know what these are, ask someone!) Continually check your motives to keep them pure. A word to the wise, don't single out on person for special treatment, but spread your encouragement and serving to other friends too. Do me a favor and don't be suspect...avoid spending alone time with a particular man, build friendships in group settings to avoid temptation and deception. Build for God's purposes, not your own.

Want some practical ways? Encourage them in their calling, affirm the great qualities you see in them, build them up instead of "jokingly" tearing them down. And finally allow men to serve you, women! (please refer to my previous post here) Asking men to serve us, and allowing them to affirms their manhood and God-give role to care for and protect women. And Thank them!

2. Truthfulness and Transparency
Openness in relationships and friendships protect us from temptation, deception and produce true intimacy. Please be honest and real with each other! This is such a pet-peeve of mine...when someone doesn't share what is on their heart. Speak the truth in love!
1 John 1:7 says "But if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." Here, walking in light, means putting things out in the open and exposing things to light. Here is my word of warning though: share with men (unless you are married) on a guarded level (and vice versa). If you expose too much of your soul to men, it gives them an unhealthy connection in your life. There is a line between sharing vision and destiny, which is healthy and positive, and sharing your soul (mind, will, emotions), which can be intimate.

What do you believe are some essential building blocks to friendship? Give me feed back on these 2 if you have some.

The Fundamentals (On Healthy Relationships pt. 1)

I did a workshop a few years ago on Healthy Relationships, ranging from healthy friendships to healthy dating. I decided I am going to start blogging some of that material. Because it is a lot of material, this will probably be a blog-series of about 6-8 posts. Stay tuned...my favorite section: the 6 F's: Foundations needed before even thinking of that next level with someone.

In order to have any sort of relationship, whether with a man or woman (friendship level included), there are some key Fundamental Principles that must be laid out. I believe without these foundations, what you are building will eventually be tested and reveal cracks (causing you to have to rebuild, which is always harder & more costly after the fact) or it will ultimately come crashing down. For a real life example of how important foundations are read this story.

1. Our relationship with Jesus is, and always will be our primary relationship. All other relationships should only push us closer to God, not distract us from Him. Exodus 20:3 says You shall have no other gods before Me. This is where you find your identity, security, fulfillment, and unconditional love, in Christ alone. No relationship, including marriage, can ever meet these needs the way God can. Colossians 2:10 says And in Him you have been made complete. (we'll address this one more in the 6 F's)

2. After our relationship with God, our relationship with people should be the highest priority in our lives. Matthew 22:37-39 says "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." This includes building relationships with people that don't look like us, not our typical crowd, but with people from all ethnicities, backgrounds, and personalities. Don't let work, selfishness, or comfort get in the way of this...the only thing we get to take to heaven with us is our relationships (with God & people), everything else fades away!

3. Avoid unhealthy relationships. Our relationships have tremendous influence on our lives, both positive and negative. We should cut off relationships, if extreme and influence you to immoral lifestyles, and re-prioritize them if unhealthy so we can build relationships with people that will bring us closer to Christ and His purposes for us. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says Do not be decieved: Bad company corrupts good morals. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Keep a right perspective about this, cutting off doesn't mean being cold or mean to someone, but knowing who God is calling you to build with and spend the most time with. Your closest relationships should be with people walking in the same purposes and beliefs you have. Proverbs 13:20 says He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. To all the ladies out there: Building friendships with men who don't share your faith and standards can be spiritually, emotionally, and even physically dangerous. Many women have been led away from their walk with God through dating unbelieving men, even if their initial motives were to "missionary date". We must build sincere, pure, and godly friendships with men who believe what we do. And until you find that "man"...treat men as brothers (1 Tim. 5:1-2). Remember that your friend may be someone else's husband. Treat them how you would want other women to treat your husband. (Don't get me wrong, this can also be said to men!)

So what are your thoughts?

Chivalry & Etiquette

Want to stand out from the crowd? Want to make an impact the first time you meet someone? Want to know some of the keys to sweeping Mr. or Mrs. Right off their feet? 

I think it can begin with Chivalry & Etiquette. These words seem to have disappeared from the American Culture these days and I want to be a catalyst to bring them back! 

What is Chivalry? It entails qualities idealized by knighthood, bravery, courtesy, honor and gallantry towards women.

What is Etiquette? One definition actually says to stand out, be polite, rules for correct or socially acceptable behavior (unfortunately what is socially acceptable today is way different than in the past).

In this day and age it is so rare to see Chivalry or Etiquette happen. I love the movie Kate & Leopold because it points out how far we have come from that, and that movie makes chivalry so attractive. When I was younger my great aunt had me and my girl cousins over to her house one day for etiquette training. We all dressed up and spent the whole day learning how to set and serve a table properly, how to dress, eat, drink, sit, and speak with poise. Basically how to be a real lady. I will always remember that day because it made me feel so sophisticated, and like a princess. 

One of the first things that stood out to me about Ross when we started dating was that he would hold the door open for me, pull out my chair and carry heavy items for me. He always treated (and still does) with respect and honor. This was definitely something none of my previous boyfriends had ever done for me, and it really made me realize this guy was different. 

Chivalry isn't just holding a door open though, it's a mind set, it's an attitude of the heart. Men, if you really respect women and care about them you will show it by your actions. If you want to leave an impression on a woman- honor her and treat her like a princess (after all, she is a princess of the King of Kings). It's time you go above and beyond in how you treat women, it's time to stand apart from the rest of this selfish generation and be a sacrificial brave knight and sweep these ladies off their feet...it's time for the Knight in Shining Armor to come riding up and rescue women from the filth of the world. 

I know I am totally sounding old school and like a softy saying we need to be rescued, because it seems like women across the world have been fighting so hard for equality that if a man were to ask to help carry her heavy bag it would be offensive- how twisted is that if you really think about it? I apologize to the men out there for making it hard for you to act chivalrous towards us (me)...for blowing it off or for not appreciating it, or for thinking that just because you held open a door for me, you "like" me. I apologize on behalf of women for sending messages that would make chivalry die. 

It's time we do these things with no agenda but to serve and honor. It is also about time to bring back some etiquette, women, let's give these men a reason to be honored, lets live like the beautiful princess that God created us to be, to give these men something worth sacrificing for. I think it's about time we sent America through a Chivalry and Etiquette training day and see what would happen!  

Communication 102

In follow up from my previous blog a while ago called Communication 101 in talking about girl/guy relationships, and how not to ask a girl out...here is my 2 cents on even getting to that point.

Men: please do not treat single women like they have the plague.
Women: here is a word from the Lord "Stop putting they guys last name on your name."

Let me explain...

To get from point A to point B, whatever that may be...you must make a move. I know this sounds profound but You must actually DO something. For you men out there...the first step to anything whether it be friendship or eventually dating, you need to actually open your mouth and speak. You need to actually be chivalrous and open the door for them. You need to get over your insecurities and break down those awkward moments with a smile and say an encouraging word. The #1 reason you haven't met a "girl worth dating" is because you haven't stepped out and actually met anyone deeper. I'm not speaking to anyone specific here, this is just a general blanket statement to the men I know in the Christian world that seem to be afraid of women.

I'm not trying to be mean, but what's the deal? I think there is a major need for improvement in this area in the Christian circles I am familiar with. I know it's probably not in your heart that women are scary, but don't be afraid that every girl is going to think you want something more by just befriending them. It is crucial for your life to have friendships with the opposite sex, whether or not it leads to something more. That is the Kingdom of God. You are going to spend eternity with the opposite sex, learn how to be friends with them now! (that is supposed to come off as a funny exaggeration). But really. Please start stepping out there and build some healthy relationships with no strings attached...with no ulterior motives...with purity of heart and mind. It will do you some good!

And not to just pick on the guys out there...WOMEN listen up! I heard this statement my freshman year, soon after I started living for God. "Stop putting the guys last name on yours." And man was that a word for me! Every decent guy I would meet, my mind would automatically go there...would his name sound good with mine, is he taller than me, does he check off my list...etc. STOP! The best way to meet "the one" is to come with (like I said above to men) purity of heart and mind, with no ulterior motives. When you can be yourself and you aren't putting something out there that is "looking or searching" then HE will see you for who you are and will show up when you are least expecting it. And that comes with the underlying hope that you are active in building friendships with the opposite sex as well.

So you may be asking yourself: "Self, what would it look like to have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex?" Here is my thoughts on that: the best way is hanging out in group settings, like movie nights, dinner out, Actually showing up to events that are going on, game nights, take the initiative to plan something, like day at the beach or bowling or anything. ANYTHING!

What are your thoughts?

I Love Weddings

I am blogging from the road right now. I got to come to my hometown for one of my best friend's wedding this weekend. As I sat at the rehearsal last night I thought to myself, I love weddings. I thought I might be burned out for a while since this is the "Wedding Season" of my life (especially since I work with college students) but I realized it's pretty hard for me to get burned out of something like this.

Weddings are such great examples of the Kingdom of God. As even in the Bible Jesus is referred to as the Bridegroom, and we (the Church) are the Bride. I love the symbolism. I will never get sick of that! The joining of two people, two families, two lives...I love it! I'm sure most of you reading this know of the meaning behind different wedding traditions, so I'll spare you from my history lesson this week (that might come soon though).

I do want to point out how much I love it when the groom sees the bride come down the aisle the first time. His face is always priceless. And just imagine that is how Jesus sees us when we walk towards him! I love how even in the toughest of men, they usually have a tear! Just imagine what Jesus feels, what he is thinking, what he is going through when he sees that all he has sacrificed for was worth it in his beautiful bride. How rewarding is that!

...And then the party begins!

In the spirit of the celebration, I have this You Tube clip that I LOVE of the Best 1st wedding dance EVER! Just click below!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gbvWdVj4vGU

Communications 101

I minored in Communications at FSU, almost majored in it but went another way, into International Affairs...both of which have nothing to do with this blog, but I was wondering:

How do you communicate best?

Do you prefer to Text message, IM, Phone-a-friend, email, blog, or talk face to face?

Obviously it is different for different circumstances, but I was just thinking about this recently because of some different stories I have heard and situations I have been in where I would choose one over another because it was less confrontational or whatnot.

For example, I know someone who was recently asked out by text message...on a DATE! What is that??? Are we getting to the point where we fear rejection so much that rather than doing the romantic thing and asking in person (which would probably result in a more favorable answer!) people are starting to shrink back even in this way! That is a shame!

I know for me personally, if Ross asked me out on our first date through a text message I would have just laughed and disregarded his anti-gutsy/ anti-risky move.

So for all you MEN out there...please take this as your fair warning...do not ask a woman out through any form but Face to Face (I'll give phone call, a fair shot too, even though its not preferable). Step it up Men! Be a Man! Get some Guts (I would like to use another male anatomy here, but I want to keep this rated G)! DO NOT ask through IM, Text, Facebook Messaging, etc! And WOMEN, Do not accept this embarrassing form of communication.

Aside from asking a person on a date, I know it is so easy to shrink back and confront someone through an email, or other means because there is more comfort there, and you don't have to face them/ the situation in person. But I challenge you (and myself) to make sure to communicate in person or at least on the phone...for several reasons, you read things way different than you hear things. You can see things on a person's face that speaks volumes and you can can pick up tones in voices way different verbally than through words typed out.

Don't take the easy way out...save yourself some trouble and just go for the jugular in communication and do it right the first time. It will pay off in the end!