Ask Me How I Know...

Amy Grant released the song 'Ask Me How I Know' in 1991 on her Heart In Motion CD. For a few of different reasons this song has been going through my head almost constantly for the past several days. First of all, in 1991, Amy Grant was my most favorite singer on the planet. I knew all of her songs by heart. I'd seen her in concert and had an autographed picture framed and on my bedroom wall. Secondly, the first time I heard this song, it struck me in a funny way. I had blocked all memory of my childhood abuse at this point, but I still found myself strangely drawn to and repulsed by the lyrics in this song at the same time. They struck a painful chord inside of me that I wouldn't understand for about 6 more years. In the past several days, this song has been playing through my head b/c more painful feelings and memories have surfaced again and these lyrics seem to fit oh so well. Below is the first part of the song:


I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind.

You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear.

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names.


Having DID can be quite interesting at times. While I have made so much progress in therapy and in my healing, other parts inside of me stay buried deep most of the time and are stuck either in the past or still in the place of hopeless despair that I found myself in 3 years ago. On Monday, therapist talked to one of these parts. Our session turned into a 2 hour session of stopping flashbacks, quieting old tapes and messages, and trying to help this part begin to get some sort of footing in the present. While my faith in God is strong and runs deep, somehow she has not been blessed to know God or His healing grace yet. The first part of Amy Grant's song really reminds me of where she is right now. She wonders where was God? She wonders where was anyone? Why did no one tell and no one save her?

This part cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry before. She actually grieved her pain and what has happened to her in front of therapist. While it has been incredibly taxing on me and the entire system, it's kinda cool that she is finally opening up to someone about what she really thinks and feels after 12 years of therapy. It's very hard to sit with her feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, sadness, etc., but I'm doing my best to be okay in this space. I can't expect her to catch up on the past 21 years of my/our life in 3 days or develop a solid faith in God that fast to provide her with peace. I definitely feel the resiliency from other parts and myself who have found differing levels of healing, and that is a HUGE help. However, this is still wickedly painful, and while I truly believe this is worth it, I think we're going to have a long slow road going forward for a bit.... but praise God I'm at least moving forward, right??

The 2nd half of Amy Grant's song basically shares this same thought. The girl in the song is not fully healed. She still struggles with fear and mistrust, but God is bringing her healing. God is giving her a new life. The life she never got to have as a child.... and while it's a tough road, it's a pretty, stinkin' awesome one.

Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all.

Still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But noone's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she's found.

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again.

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did He go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said his mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again.

He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle.

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens.

This is the video on Youtube if you'd like to hear the song.

East To West

For some reason I've had Casting Crown's song "East To West" on my mind and in my heart all day.... so much so that I'm feeling compelled to post the lyrics here. So if anyone out there needs these words right now, here ya go:


Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Holiday Highlights

I feel so much has happened in the last few days, and I'm too tired to blog about it all. I've decided to hit the highlights tonight and come back and blog in more detail later the things I decide I want/need to.

• Friend that was in the ICU came through surgery well and will hopefully discharge tomorrow. Still going to be on oxygen for awhile and has a long road, but he's slowly improving.
• All of my dad's family was in town for Thanksgiving, and it was awesome!! We rarely all get together anymore, and it was so much fun, not to mention all of the good food!!!!
• My wedding dress came in this week, so my mom, sister, and female cousins came with me to my first fitting on Friday. It should have been an exciting event.
• Wedding dress looked nothing like it was supposed to. The coloring was wrong and it was 2 sizes too big. Plus, there was a big black spot on the train that the store owner swears she didn't do. I was crushed! I hated the dress, but we've already paid for 1/2 of it, and it's non-returnable according to the manufacturer, so now I have to fight it out with the store owner.
• Mom knew how upset I was about the dress despite me trying to hide it, so she got me up early Saturday morning and we went wedding dress shopping again. I fell in LOVE with a dress at the store we went to on Saturday and my amazing mother bought that dress for me. So for the time being, I have 2 wedding dresses. The new dress was made for me though. I love it and am no longer distraught but am excited to walk down the aisle in a few months knowing I will look like a princess.
• Saturday night got a phone call from the Army. Fiancee will be home on Friday (my birthday) very early in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!
• Tonight at church, a good friend of mine told me a friend of her's committed suicide yesterday (I didn't know the girl). Losing 2 friends, a professor, and an uncle to suicide in the last 5 years, I know the pain she's feeling right now.... and that thought pattern of.... if I'd only known, maybe I could have done something....

All of this on top of the crazy week with co-worker has left me exhausted and emotionally drained. I really do not enjoy going from high to low to high to low, etc.. with my emotions. Seems I learned some emotion regulation skills along the way, but they're not really working in my current setting. It's amazing how much even positive stuff can drain you.

This upcoming week there's likely to be confrontation at work with co-worker (thankfully it's my last week at work til after Christmas) and fiancee coming home on Friday is going to be completely awesome and incredibly emotionally exhausting at the same time. I have been so blessed in so many ways over the past week despite some of the rough spots. My current stressors are "normal people" stressors, so that helps me not beat myself up over them for possibly overreacting, but it does make me want a day or two break from life so I can recouperate.

Life is crazy!!!! I think Phil Collins sums up my life best right now with a line from one of his songs - " I love this awful, beautiful life!"

Lyrics That Touched Me

A guy I go to church with by the name of Nate Hale wrote this song while he was in college and we recently started singing it in some services. The lyrics to this song touch me greatly everytime I hear/sing it b/c the beginning reminds me where I was 18 months ago and then 2nd half reminds me of all God is doing for me now and how He is faithful in his blessings. The song is based on Psalm 13.

Psalm 13
How long, oh Lord,
Will you forget me forever?
How long, oh Lord,
Will you hide your face from me?

Long enough, long enough
Have I carried this load of sorrow.
Long enough, long enough
Have I lived with this heart full of pain.

I want to look life in the eyes
I'm tired of falling down on my face
I'm throwing myself into your loving arms
And now it's time to celebrate
Your rescue

(clap, clap, clap)

So I will sing at the top of my lungs
I will sing of your unfailing love
For you have delivered me
From the worst of my enemies.

I will sing to the Lord
For He has been good to me.

Songs

So, I seem to be identifying a lot with song lyrics lately. I take that back. I have always identified with song lyrics, I just don't usually have an outlet to share them with anyone. Lucky you for being a reader. :)

This weekend I was introduced to a song by the country group Sugarland. They are not a Christian group, but the way they wrote the song below sounds exaclty what I imagine God saying to us all of the time, but especially when we hurt. Youtube has several videos of the song, but none of them have the correct lyrics written out, so I'm just posting the lyrics below. If you want to hear the song, it's easy to listen to it on youtube.

Fall Into Me lyrics

When the weight of the world bears
down so strong
You leave footprints on the street
And there’s too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won’t
shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for
first
When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see straight through
your soul
And you can’t find a nickel to buy a
smile
‘Cause your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and hide
Before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for
first

Chorus:
Fall into me
My arms are open wide
And you don’t have to say a word
‘Cause I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach
for first

I wanna be the bottle
You’ve been drinking with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You’ve been running all your life
The third row pew
That you last knew as a child in
church
I wanna be the one you reach for
first

Fall into me
My arms are open wide
And you don’t have to say a word
‘Cause I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach
for first

Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away to fight those
demons waiting for you in your
dreams
Before your arms are stretched wide
open
Before you reach into the sky
Before you’re searching for direction
And all the answers to your why’s

Fall into me
Oh, my arms are stretched wide
open
You don’t have to say a word
Because I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and I know it hurts
Yes, it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach
for first

I'm Letting Go - Lyrics

This is one of my newest favorite songs. It's what I'm working towards in my own life right now. Letting go of me and letting God. Letting go of control and trusting that He is greater and knows what is better for me. When I do leave it up to him, I am continually blessed, even if it's several months or years before I can see why his plan is better than mine. Don't plan to start preaching. Just wanted to share b/c oddly I'm finding some freedom in this. The lyrics are below. If you want to hear the song here's a link to a Youtube video someone made: I'm Letting Go

Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli
I'm Letting Go - Lyrics

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

(Chorus)
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

(Chorus)

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

(Chorus)

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

If You Want Me To

Ginny Owens: If You Want Me To - Live Version lyrics

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan,
I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to