Have Yourself a Terrifying Little Christmas

There are things that will forever be imbedded in my head as uniquely Christmas. These memories are your typical, warm and fuzzy memories of waking up entirely too early (likely an hour after my parents brought out the gifts.)

Sounds lovely, so what’s the deal with the title?

I’ll explain. Last year was the first time I ever even heard of the Elf on the Shelf. He’s supposed to be a spy for Santa that watches your child to make sure your little one behaves. Parents are supposed to move him around to make the kid think this thing comes to life in the middle of the night and in the morning goes back to being a mere doll. This year, I’ve started noticing that the Elf has grown in popularity and the more I think about it, the more confused I become over why this is. The thing is creepy. From its Bob’s Big Boy eyes, “It’s a Small World” figurine-like apple cheeks, and slightly hunched up shoulders, that are supposed to express a feigned innocence, the bastard creeps me out.



I am alone in this?

Personally, if I were a child and my parents brought in a possessed toy to “spy” on me, all the while wantonly flaunting the fact that it doesn’t care if evidence of its demonic linkage is known, ignored, and yes, even encouraged, I’d shit myself. I wouldn’t have found it endearing in the slightest. If anything, this creepy little bastard reminds me (yes, even now, as an adult) too much of the damn Poltergeist clown to be remotely cute.



Go ahead Google the thing and look up pictures of it. There are even sites dedicated to how “creative” some people have gotten with this thing. Evidence of the Elf’s mischievous nightly romps have been documented by sick parents (who I whole heartedly believe have too much time on their hands). They have made their children believe that the possessed elf has been rummaging about their homes, wreaking havoc by doing things like messing up coloring books, toilet papering the tree, dangling from a chandelier, using the toilet OUTSIDE, posing with other stuffed animals, and the creepiest of them all, resting atop of sleeping children’s heads. Seriously?!

Now, yes, I know what you may be thinking; it’s supposed to be a fun thing. He’s helping Santa. And this brings me to my next creepy thing. What the hell is the deal with the Krampus? Since when did Santa/St. Nick have a scary-as-hell demon following him about, eating naughty children?!


You’d think that somewhere in all the carols, and poems there would be a rhyme or a line about the bloodbath and the trail of destruction that was left behind as a result of naughty children being slaughtered as Santa flies through town with a monster in tow. You don’t hear a single mention of this in the “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” song. Nope! The song only says, “you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout.” I think it would be a much more effective warning if it mentioned, kiss your ass goodbye if you don’t behave or the only thing left behind will be a puddle of gore and bits of you stuck in the monster’s teeth. Holy shit! When the hell did Christmas get outright scary?!



What happened to the days of, the three ghosts will visit you and help you find a way to redeem yourself? Back then Dickens’ story was as scary as it got. Holy shit! No wonder kids are seemingly getting more violent. .They aren’t raging against anything, they’re trying to protect themselves from the possessed Elf that will tell on them and eventually lead to their demise as a snack for the Krampus!

Time Out! Time Out! Time Out!

Holy crap I need a moment to breathe. I have been running on fumes for only heaven knows how long now. I think it’s high time I got a break.

Recap Time: I have been working like a mad woman with more responsibilities and a staff of none. Yaaaaay… I am department of one and they have absolutely no intention of hiring anyone for me! The other shitty part is that the place is getting increasingly unstable financially. Needless to say, I’m putting my resume out there. What kills me also is that they have sent me on a few overnight business trips. The last one was a week-long trip. Yeah that sucked ass! It wasn’t even any place fun. I basically got to stay in a hotel and go from meeting to meeting. So once I got back here I was up to my eyeballs in catch-up work to do.

The Baby Girl is getting positively huge. She’s not only crawling now but she’s also finding out that she really doesn’t need to have a kung fu grip on things with both hands to stand up. Needless to say, the gate is going up before next weekend.
We hit a kind of bittersweet milestone in our lives. My father retired. My father has been the superintendent of an apartment building since 1991. But because of his job, we have also all lived in that same apartment since then. I loved the town we lived in and now, they’re no longer there. While I’m happy that my parents have now officially moved into their new place, and ours (they stay with us for a few days during the week to watch Baby Girl), I kind of miss the New Rochelle apartment. It’s been home for so long and now it’s no longer there. Odd. What really threw me off was deleting the number I’ve had listed as “Home” on my cell phone. It just didn’t feel right.

And yes, you guessed it. With them moving out, that also means that we have been pitching in as much as possible. Oh yes, I will have stuff in the trunk of my car. I should probably get it out of there.

Oh hey, there have been wonderful bright spot in all of the craziness. Baby Girl had her first Halloween. I had every intention of taking her out. She had other plans though. I got about ten minutes of her in her little sheepie costume; just long enough to take a few pictures. She then went into a meltdown. She was too tired and hot and wanted the costume off. So we stayed in and handed out candy. Ah well. I did try. Still, it was fun. I like the fact that there are a ton of kids in the neighborhood and they pretty much cleaned us out. I have never had that happen. I love it. The other cool thing was that I got to meet a lot of the parents from the neighborhood. Normally I just get to see them when I drive by but this time I actually got to introduce myself to a good number of them.



So, what was my costume this year? Let's go with "homocidal maniac. They look just like everybody else."



I actually wanted to break away from my normal vampire and go with Zombie. But I thought about it a bit and decided against it. I didn't want to get all made up properly and then have to immediately take it off for making the baby cry. But next year...







Later this month, Aaron and I are going to be taking our first family trip to see my family in California. I am really looking forward to it. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about traveling afterwards, but for now, I have a game plan and I’m keeping my fingers crossed. The trip is kind of a big anniversary gift package. The first part is the whole thing was a kind of surprise ticket to see Rock of Ages. Loved it! The unfortunate part was that it was on Saturday. Yep the day of the freak snow storm.



And while I din't actually mind clearing the snow, I really regretted it when later on on Sunday night, I was in pain in places I didn't know I had. Awesome. :D

Fumbly Hands

I've broken another cup and don't even get me started on how slowly I have to type and retype things. Yep, carpal tunnel set off by the pregnancy is taking its toll. I'm talking, I may well switch to sippy cups to keep from breaking the rest of the cups around here.

But yes, despite the numb hands, insane heartburn (I think I very well could melt paint off walls if I exhale just right), and increasing lethargy, I'm still staying chipper damn it, and I'm getting into the holiday spirit. I've got all my favorite Christmas movies out, including Nightmare Before Christmas and one of my all-time favorites, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. And although I didn't make the doughs (fear of lobbing off a hand) I bought cookie doughs and started up the oven. Sure, it's kinda cheating but meh, they're still tasty :D

Luckily, I'm just about done with my shopping. I have two more gifts to get but I have a touch of time on those. I spent a touch more than I anticipated but it's okay. Now we're just going to have to tighten the purse strings and go back into saving mode.

But yeah, since I'm apparently going with a Christmas thing for this entry, I thought I'd share some great news with all of you. My aunt made it to her birthday and is still with us today. She was over the moon when my parents showed up. The visit made her so happy she honestly started feeling better and it even gave her the strength to eat more, which has been helping her, overall. Sure, it's not a perfect miracle, but as far as I'm concerned, it's enough of a miracle for me to be extremely thankful.

Catch Up Entry

Thanksgiving: I ended up cooking the bulk of the meal, but it was all good. My Mom helped and no one had to lose a digit. It was a much smaller gathering than usual but it’s all good, it made it much easier to speak with everyone.

Baby Shower: It ended up a surprise after all. I knew it was supposed to occur. I figured the most logical time would have been this past weekend. I thought it would have happened on Saturday (and I was right) but Aaron threw me off. His aunt has been up from Florida and I know she was supposed to head back soon. He said we were supposed to have lunch with them. I then figured it was going to happen on Sunday instead. Then we got to Aaron’s sister’s place and I heard the voices. :)

I got a lot of really great things and a few things that I hadn’t expected. It made me really happy and made me realize that the wee girl is going to be here before I know it. I mean, according to the ticker, I have 60 days left to the due date. That’s nothing!

House Keeping: So now I’ve given Aaron the task of making room in our closets during his days off. As it is most of the baby stuff is in our living room. The crazy part is that we have to get creative in putting her stuff out. I think I am going to ask Aaron to pack up our book shelf to make room for a small dresser and the basinet. I don’t think he’s going to be too thrilled with the idea, but we have to pack them up anyway. We’re house hunting and if all goes well, we’ll have a new place by mid-to-late spring and hopefully be set to move by the beginning of the summer.

House Hunt: Speaking of a new place… we’ve hit a milestone! We wanted to have a certain amount socked away in our house fund by the beginning of November. We’re a month behind BUT we made the number. Now Aaron is saying that he’s getting back in full house hunting mode (as if he actually stopped or slowed). I’m pretty excited about this. Granted, yes, it brings up a whole new set of issues, like what is the commute going to be like, what are we going to do about daycare, what are we going to do about his brother, but we can get to those when the time comes. Besides, the whole brother thing is just a big headache and makes us both get really irritated. Quickly touching on it, I have been helping him with cover letters and helping him hunt for full time jobs. BUT what gets to both Aaron and I, is the fact that unless we’re there hounding him about getting a full-time job, he doesn’t do jack to search or to reply to things. YET he says he wants to keep the apartment. Yeah… not bloody likely at this rate. All I know is that he’s NOT moving in with us.

Christmas and Chanukah: I can’t believe he’s already ahead of me. I thought I had a jump start on him but no. Aaron is just about finished. Ah well. The good news is that we should be pretty much done by this weekend. I have a few more items to pick up and voila! And I’ll have a Chanukah gift for him for whenever he decides he wants to exchange gifts. I know he’s really anxious to give me a gift. He even said last night that he hates buying me things and then having to wait to give them to me. He doesn’t really care that I got him anything since I’m already giving him a very big gift.

The sad thing is that I really think I have to skip decorating after all. I looked into our hall closet and there is NO WAY I can actually get to any of my decorations— at least, not with all the new baby stuff in the way. Boo… but it’s all good. I’ll just have to make up for it once we’re in our new home and get to throw a big Christmas party.

Sad News: I haven’t spoken about this but I think it’s time… Aaron and I have two aunts who are coming to the end of their days. As a matter of fact, one is in hospice care and the other elected to remain at home, rather than be moved into a hospice. I can’t say exactly why I haven’t mentioned it sooner, I just haven’t. Now of course, with the new baby, house and all the other good stuff happening, I can’t help but think that my two aunts are going to be missed. These are the kinds of things they would love being there for. The aunt on my Dad’s side, while she has had her issues, has always been pretty great with me growing up. She used to take care of me when we first moved to NYC, and was the one who encouraged me to break the rules every now and then, much to my Dad’s chagrin. But she’s also the one who made me realize that you simply can’t take things so seriously all the damn time. And the scarier part is that, as I get older, I am starting to look a lot more like her. Aaron’s aunt (on his Dad’s side) is just about one of the happiest, sweetest people I have ever encountered. She’s a kook and he grandchildren even call her “Cuckoo” rather than grandma. Apparently, she and Aaron’s Mom used be pretty tight when they were younger, which doesn’t surprise me. We’re not sure how long either one of them has. But unfortunately, doctors have told them their cancer treatments have gone as far as possible, and that it is now in God’s hands. It’s odd; while thinking about them makes me sad, I really think I’m still in denial about both their cases. I’m just thankful for the nurses they have caring for them. These people really are doing God’s work here on earth. God bless them.

And They Say Time Flies…

I can’t believe it. This morning I turned on the radio and there they were; two stations playing Christmas music. Holy crap we’re back in the holidays!
I feel like I’m a few steps behind already. Blech… I mean usually, I have some gifts worked out and I have a good idea of what I’m getting Aaron, but it feels like the whole thing just snuck up on me.

The good thing is; I DO have Thanksgiving worked out. Even though my “sous chef” (Aaron) is going to have work overtime the day before the big day. Yes. You read that correctly, this year, for obvious reasons, I am actually calling in an assistant. I’ve also modified the side dishes. They’ll be a lot less complicated.

What I’ve got so far:

Turkey (a slightly modified version of Alton Brown’s Roast Turkey)
Stuffed Mushrooms (app.)
Butternut Squash Soup
Cornbread (the spoon bread version I make every year)
My Mac N’ Cheese
Sautéed Brussels Sprouts
Sautéed Green Beans with almonds
Wild Rice w/ Red Grapes
Roasted Sweet Potatoes with Pecans
Cheddar and Sage Biscuits
Stuffing/Dressing

I know I’m missing an item or two but I don’t have my list with me and I can’t remember at this point.

As I said, the dishes are a lot less complicated and I can do a lot of the prep ahead of time. Unfortunately I may have already hit a bit of a snag. I have been preparing Aaron for this—well, more like training— but unfortunately, he just learned yesterday that he has to work overtime the day before. SO… I may have to work with my Mom on this. This is kind of getting me a little nervous though. My Mom and I have very different takes on how things are done. She likes to throw things in or change things up on the fly, whereas I don’t. I’ve gotten most of these dishes down to a science and it would make me freak the hell out if she starts "tweaking" or changing things up on me.

Evan, my brother-in-law volunteered to help with prep. I told him it be best for him not to. It was very sweet of him to offer, but that could potentially be disastrous. He doesn’t “cook.” His idea of cooking usually consists of throwing a group of pre-made items together and calling it a meal. I need someone who will understand what I want when I say, “mirepoix,” “chiffonade” and “finely grate,” and will know that there is a difference between, stock and broth, finely mincing and chopping. Hell, we’re talking about the same guy who, just the other day, used my pie dough cutter as a pizza cutter! (I wish I were kidding).

Don’t get me wrong, I really love cooking for the holiday. It’s one of my favorite meals to make. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t. I’m just very particular about the way things are done. I mean, I plan things out weeks in advance and usually have the timing worked out so that all dishes are pretty much done at the same time. So it’s not a pretty sight when things gum up the works. Imagine if you will, one of the crabbing boat captains from Deadliest Catch… yeah I have the potential to get that cranky when things don’t work out. I almost stormed off when my brother burned one of my dishes and my one of sisters-in-law decided to not start one of her dishes until everything else was already finished. She held everything up by about an hour.

Ah well… We’ll see, perhaps I can get an even earlier start and not have to call in the reinforcements. Wish me luck!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful new year filled with all the best of everything.

And Now I Wait

Well the interview went as well as possible. I hit all the points I wanted to get to; I was lively and impressive, placing emphasis on my strongest qualities; I kept her interested and didn't let the conversations lapse for more than a second or two; She seemed impressed by my experience and even gave me some pretty good compliments. We even got to speaking about salary. She told me what the salary was and if I would have a problem with a salary in that range. I told her that it was actually what I was aiming for. She seemed very delighted and said that the salary had been a deterrent for some people coming up from the city. No surprise.

So who knows. I hope it went well. She said she'd call me by next week when she comes back from the holiday. Round two is to meet up with some of the executives and round three would be to meet with the CEO. And if all goes very well I'll be starting by the end of January/ beginning of February. The place is actually really great and does work I can honestly get behind. I think I'd really like working there. So I'm hoping I get the job. Here's hoping.

My Hero

Today Aaron gets the hero award. He totally saved my day and all he had to do is tell me to take a nap.

The whole thing started when I got up this morning. I was kinda tired but we had a few things to do, including finishing shopping, wrapping, etc. Then my Mom called and got under my skin (totally related to the holidays. Too long a story to get into). He asked me what was wrong. Rather than explode I told him that there was nothing wrong. Then a few more things happened and I really started to lose it. Picture if you will, a cracked window, but rather than leaving it be, imagine several people throwing pebbles at it. Yeah. Plink, plink, crash!

I blew up and he got to hear it all. He understood that I wasn't yelling at him but rather yelling my problems to him. So he didn't react negatively at all, he just listened and offered the appropriate consolatory comments. He's good like that. He offered to make me a cup of tea. Then suggested I sit and relax on the couch for a little while and brought me my new magazines. He also offered to answer all phone calls for a while so that no one disturbs me. He then suggested I take a nap. I told him I wasn't sleepy. He didn't say a word when I turned on the news for a while (he usually rolls his eyes and grumbles a bit). Still, I was out pretty quickly.

When I woke up, two hours later, all was right in the world. Huzzah!

OMG Awesome

My friend Dave sent me this little gem so I had to share.

"Tiiiiiny Bubbles..."

I swear when I'm in a medically induced sleep, I do it like a champion. Two days ago I took NyQuil Cold and Flu ("Capitol N, small Y, big fucking Q! I love that fucking Q!" Yes. I had to throw in the Dennis Leary line) to get some sleep. Holy shit, did I ever get it. So not only did I sleep for what seemed like days, I was actually unable to answer Aaron's cell phone (he left it behind when he went to work) when it rang incessantly in the middle of the night, perched within arm's reach on the nightstand. I was aware that it must be Daren calling and I was aware that I wanted to throttle him for the calls and I was aware of the plan I had for both him and the phone, I just couldn't do a damn thing about it. Then in the morning, when Daren called again--and every ten minutes for about two hours or so-- I again knew the phone was ringing, I knew who it must have been and I knew that I had upgraded my original plan to now include a possibly implanting of a cell phone into a skull, should my aim and throwing arm prove to be of full use.

Then there were the fun dreams I had. During one of them, I was chasing down something with a marshmallow gun. But apparently it was the strongest one in the world and could actually stun the hell out of a person without actually killing them. In another dream that night, I was the captain of a boat, not sure why or how, but I still had my trusty gun with me. Then the most intriguing... I also dreamed that I had bubbles in my scalp. Yep. I went to brush my hair and kept seeing little bubbles flying all over the bathroom. When I checked my hair in the mirror, there they were, at the base of every hair was a little translucent bubble, just like the ones from bubble solutions. And the more I tried to get rid of them, the bigger they got. I pretty much ended up with an Afro of bubbles that refused to wash or blow away.

NO. Fecking. Clue. "NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you! You giant Fucking Q!"

So yes, now that I've slept for most of the last two days, I feel much better. The aches and pains are gone but I'm still pretty congested and my voice hasn't fully returned. Oh yeah, did I mention that we're in for a pretty big snow storm and we're supposed to be going to a Christmas party up in Peekskill? I think we're going to get there very early and heading out early. Aaron has to work and I shouldn't be there overnight. Really I don't think I should be there at all, but I really need to get out of the house. I feel waaaaay too couped up and I'm afraid to look in the mirror now.

Oh yes, in case you're wondering, no. Daren had no reason and/or emergency going on that required that many phone calls. He was calling to say hello and to see what Aaron was up to and see if Aaron wanted to get coffee (in the morning it was breakfast). I should explain. Daren's the kind of single guy who really doesn't understand why his buddies don't want to hang out to all hours of the morning and would actually want to do things like be responsible, go to work, and get married. He fully believes everyone should be hanging out with him at a diner or fiddling around with music that will never be heard by anyone but him. He's basically in a perpetual state of arrested development; stuck at oh, say, 21-22. You know, the age where you really couldn't give a rat's ass about anything because you're now a full grown adult and can even drink. Apparently, the reality check bitchslap that gets us all shortly after that stage missed him. That in a nutshell is Daren. A perfect target for my marshmallow gun. Ah well.

Happy Chanukah!

Since today is the first day of Chanukah. I thought I'd share this with yall and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy it.

The Chanukah Song: Redone by Neil Diamond (yet another reason to love the man).

Just for Vizma

More fun for the holidays.

More Holiday Fun

I recently remembered these and looked them up. They still make me laugh.


12 Days of Christmas Correspondence
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

***

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

Ag

***

December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag

***

December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas



And in honor of my crazy hero. Love her! ... So crazy,



Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug WindowsXP (or latest version).

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

The 12 Pains of Christmas

This makes me laugh every single year. Tonight my personal favorite is number four, the card man. "Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards," and "Oh, I don't even know half these people." I honestly thought about saying screw it, I'm not sending them this year.

Here you go:



Now I know this clearly isn't the original video but it's one of the few that give you the lyrics. Besides, it's funny.

"Christmas, Christmas Time is Here..."

Ahhhh... I'm now happy. I have the place looking the way I want it (for this year).

Two days ago, I got the tree up and a few other decorations out. But I still wasn't completely happy. I felt I needed a few more touches. So today I got my hands on a coupon from Michael's and I went to town. The great part of it was that they were running a sale on ornaments, and decorative pieces. I went only slightly nutty. I walked out with a bunch of things and only spent about $30. Woohoo! So now my place is starting to look a whole lot merrier. I love it. I will not rest till the place looks like a Bavarian village damn it. One year at a time, one year at a time...

Then I'll get to start all over again once we get a house. Yeah, it'll be a while till then, but still. I have big plans. I fully plan on making my house a home that Martha would be proud and hopefully jelous of.

Bad Shoppers

I got knocked down today by a little old woman. I turned the corner to walk up a crowded store aisle. I tool about a two steps in and looked up to see her coming toward me. I swear she football-style stiff armed me. Got me right below the sternum. I fell back on my butt. She didn't even bother to acknowledge me.

I yelled at her, "What the hell is wrong with you, lady?" She turned around looking as innocent as possible through these frog looking glasses and said "what?" as if I were the crazy one. I told her, "You just shoved through, hit me and knocked me over." She just stood there staring at me for a second and then had the balls to say, "Well, I couldn't get through." I was just dumbstruck. No sign of an, "I'm sorry," or an, "oh excuse me," or even an, "I didn't see you" (This would have been an all out lie but still...) At that moment, every last lesson I was ever taught and ingrained in me, that told me to respect my elders, went to hell. I said, "Wow, you're just as rude, mean, old bitch." Threw my basket on the ground and left the damn store. I don't exactly know why I did that last part. I suppose it was the last bit of decency left in me taking over, to keep me from hitting an old lady square in the face. I'm not even kidding either. I wanted to take that horrible, fuchsia jacket over hers, pull it over her head and frickin channel my inner Hanson brother (please tell me you've all seen Slap Shot) and let the fists fly.

So yeah, that was the start of my Chirstmas shopping season.

I Forgot to Pack Underwear!

See! Even though I frickin thought of it and had them out, my underwear never made it into my bag! I frickin knew it. Luckily Target was open to save me.

I got to my brother's place on Wednesday by about noon. I meant to get there sooner but I got caught up watching "Hoarders," on Tuesday night. This is quite possibly the single most disturbing program on television. It's about people with hoarding disorders. Holy cow, gross. I mean, just gross. I had to watch. It's like a bad car accident. So yes, I stayed up too late watching a marathon.

In my rush out the door, the last thing I packed was my overnight bag. I had everything laid out and somehow I missed my underwear. I also forgot to pack a box of pasta and half of the ingredients I needed for my cornbread. Luckily it was still early enough that it didn't cause a panic.

Within an hour of getting to my brother's I began cooking. I have enough experience in doing this to know what needs to be made the day of and what can be prepped early and set aside to chill out. I gave everything a time table and staggered the order of the dishes so that everything would be done and coming out of the oven by the time the turkey had rested enough and was ready to be carved. Things almost worked out perfectly. I told Stella at the very beginning of the day that it was going to be a Murphy's Law kind of a day. I was right. One of the simplest dishes, roasted acorn squash, got burnt to unservable (Not my doing, Alvin manned the grill outside) and the mashed potatoes that Stella was making took unusually long to make. Those held things up. Ah well. Whaddaya gonna do? Luckily, there was still plenty of food available that the squash wasn't missed and the potatoes, once they got done, were actually amazing.

So here's what was on the menu.

Roasted Turkey
home made mac and cheese
sauteed green beans
sauteed Brussels sprouts with garlic and shallots
cornbread (my cousin's baby girl loved this stuff. I can't blame her. So do I)
stuffed mushrooms
stuffing with morells (yep I did get my hands on some. My brother had a pack of them)
grilled polenta with a morell infused sherry vinaigrette
garlic mashed potatoes
biscuits
candied yams
olive loaf (so darn good)
gravy
two different kinds of homemade cranberry sauce

Appetizers:
assorted cheese and cured meats platter
crackers
mixed nuts
dried fruit mix

desert:
my Mom's homemade flan
Cherry pie (from my eldest brother's cherry tree)
Pumpkin pie
Key lime cheesecake

Drinks: Mulled cider spiked with rum (my saving grace)



I dunno, think we had enough food? I think we'd be good to go if we had to run a marathon.

And So It Begins

At this time tomorrow, I will most likely be covered in food bits that have flown off the knife or cutting board. Damn I'm excited.

I spent most of the day today hopping from one supermarket to another looking for all the damn ingredients I need for The Big day. I'm still missing one. Morel mushrooms. I can't find them. Those bastards are pretty hard to find. Ah well, I suppose I'll have to go with Shiitake instead. I'm making a mushroom infused vinaigrette reduction to go over roasted acorn squash.

But that wasn't the worst part of it. I went to four different supermarkets looking for fricking sherry vinegar. Finally I found the last lonely bottle at a supermarket in Rye (three towns away from my parent's in New Rochelle). So what happens the moment I get home, the stupid bag broke and the bottle fell out. It cracked! The effing bottle of vinegar that is about 10 oz and runs for $12 cracked! Luckily I was able to salvage most of it. I had to sacrifice half a bottle of red wine vinegar to save it, but it's worth it damn it. Aaron almost had a heart attack. He wasn't sure why I was so mad. I told him that I specifically told the checkout girl to double bag. She didn't and I didn't notice. He still didn't get it. Then I told him how much that small bottle cost. He asked me to repeat it a few times. He then understood.

Ah well. So now my kitchen is a staging point for tomorrow. I the two boxes for all my tools and equipment packed up and all the bags are lined up, ready to be walked out to my car. Now I just have to make sure I remember stuff I'll need like, oh say, clothes and underwear. Wish me luck.

C'mon, c'mon...

Sigh... I am so excited. I'm getting to the point where I can almost feel my body tense every time I turn on Food Network, I keep eyeing my knives in the kitchen and all thoughts are turning to food. Yep, I'm ready to take on Thanksgiving.

I'm the head chef when it comes to the big food holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I now accept the assistance from a sous chef from time to time but that's only been very recently and I'm trying to be a lot more patient with them, rather than chase every one out of the kitchen. I like things done a certain way, I can't help it.

So yes, Stella and I have created the menu for the big day. She's doing most of the sauces and some of the side dishes. I'm making the stars (ie, the Turkey, homemade mac and cheese, roasted acorn squash, candied yams, sauteed Brussels sprouts). And this year, like most other years I am indeed adding to the menu. I can't help it, it needs to be done. I am adding a lovely polenta dish. I've been playing with the stuff a lot lately and I think I can trust my skills enough to bring a dish to the big day table. I swear this day is like the Superbowl for me. I already have a game plan and I know what I'll be bringing to my brother's.

Once upon a time I remember clearly only needing to bring a handful of recipes and a few dishes over. Now I have to travel alone in my car. The back seat and the trunk usually end up packed with tools and an bags of groceries. I normally have to bring a lot of the basics because Alvin and Stella have a tendency to use up stuff in their dishes and not remember that there is a whole conga line of stuff I still have to make.

Traveling this year for the first time, my cast iron griddle, and several of my pie dishes. I was thinking about bringing my freshly sharpened knives, but I think I'll leave them at home. I don't want to leave one behind by accident. It would make me cry. I normally bring two boxes of equipment, but I think I may need another box this year. As it is I'm already bringing a roasting pan, my thermometers, my 3 baking sheets, pastry cutters, biscuit rounds, several serving dishes, rolling pins, possibly my fondue set and a bunch storage bowls for the overnight stuff. Oh yes and my gas torch. Yep you read that right, a butane gas torch. It's for spot burning such as the cheese on French onion soup, the tops of marshmallows or for the sugar on Crème Brûlées. Yes, I have one. Aaron also said, "Oh my God. Are you kidding?" when I first told him I have one and when he actually saw me pull it out.

I would bring my smoker pan. I didn't really allow much room in the menu for a smoked item. But had there been room, I would have had a nice smoked fish of some sort. Ah well.

There is one thing that's getting me pretty annoyed. And that's the fact that Food Network's site is so overloaded that it is running slowly as can be. Oh holy crap is that every getting old. But it's not just them. Epicurious and Allrecipies.com are the same way. Grrr... ah well luckily I have other ways of getting the info I want.

The Season

Every now and then when i just can't stand watching the news during the day, I'll switch over to the music stations on TV. Not the MTV's or VH1's but the stations that play nothing but music and put up random factoids about the artists and show still photos of some sort. Basically, radio on TV, minus the commercials. Today I came across the "Sounds of the Season" channel. Normally, they play relaxing instrumental pieces. Today, they were playing Christmas music. Now, i don't mind the Christmas music. I mean lets face it, if I could I would be a full time resident of Christmas Town. But really, Christmas? Isn't it a touch early for it? What, did they start playing the stuff after Halloween?

Ah well, I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised. Most stores started putting up the Christmas stuff out a few days before Halloween. Heck, downstairs on the street, they already have the big Christmas wreath and last week, they put lights up on the trees.

Eh, I don't mean to sound like a Scrooge, but I for one, wait till the week or weekend after Thanksgiving to decorate. It feels kind of odd to get into the mood for Christmas when it's 65 degrees outside and some houses still have ghosts and goblins out on their front yards.

Mind you, I'm still going to be heading to Michael's in a wee bit to check out their Christmas stuff, so I suppose the music (which I actually kept on) is kind of working. Slightly susceptible to outside influence much? Ho, ho, ho.