Behold the here and now

Behold: v. To observe; look at; to see. To regard; gaze upon.

The word Behold (past tense beheld) is used over and over again in the Bible. It is used in terms of regaling in the holy presence of Jesus. It is also used as a term of how Jesus looked at those around Him. He beheld them.

A friend of mine was talking about a verse in the Bible that told about how two men came upon Jesus and He turned and beheld them. He gave them His full attention. Regardless that He was busy, regardless that He had come to save the world, regardless of all He had going on He stayed in the moment and regarded them fully. And that is exactly where it hit me.

How often do I rush through my day - my life - without beholding what is right here in front of me? How often do I tell my kiddos to "hold on" or "give me a minute" - as if whatever I am doing is more important than them?

I have shared this blog before, but I think it is worth sharing again for anyone else who struggles with their tech devices being a constant distraction for them. It's not an easy decision to cut out "staying connected," but for me it has been an important one. I deactivated my Facebook page a little over a year ago, but then as more and more people mentioned to me that I should link my blog to FB, I did so. I linked my blog with the intention of just getting it out there; simple as that. But as technology does, it sucked me back in. And I began to notice that I was getting back to the same place of putting off the important things that are right here in front of me, to stay connected with things that are not.

And that is simply not where I want to go.

Andy Stanley asks the question "In light of my past experience, current circumstances, and future hopes and dreams - what is the wise thing for me to do?"

Ephesians 5:15–16 says this, "Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."

While I am not saying that technology is evil, the effects that constant technology is having on our lives, our relationships, and our families is evil. Satan wants nothing more than to break apart our families. To tune us out to their needs by keeping us so distracted that we do not behold them as the gifts they are.

Now, I'll be honest. Because of my severance with FB, I have been told that "I live in a black hole" that I am "incredibly hard to get in touch with" (as if my cell doesn't work without FB), and that I am making it harder on others to keep in touch with. Maybe there is some validity in those statements. But honestly, the "black hole" that I am accused of living in.........it's my family. And that's exactly where I want to be found. I want to devote every living and waking moment to my family because these moments go by way too fast. And I will never get them back.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 says, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business." In light of my future dreams of having strong relationships with my children, that my children will want to spend time with me as they grow - I am choosing to lead a quiet life. It is most certainly the unpopular choice in society, but it's worth it. I don't want to be so distracted that I miss out on the life God has given me. I don't want to miss the short years that I have been given with my family.

Children notice everything, don't make the mistake believing that they don't. Birdie makes repeated comments about a dad and mom who come to "watch" their little boy play tennis each week...who never look up from their cell phones. She says, "Mama, why do they even come? They don't ever watch him play, they're just always looking at their phones." That could easily be me. But I refuse to let it.

The wise thing for me was to delete my Facebook account (it's a process, and I don't know if my "waiting period" is over yet or not). I have thought about giving up my blog, but haven't had clarity of that decision yet. I process through things as I write about them, so it's good for me; and I hope it somehow blesses others. But I have to be intentional, to choose to behold the here and now - my children and the life that is here before me. I hope that as you read this blog that you will be intentional about making any changes that help you live wisely and make the most out of every opportunity.

 

Thankful Prayers

My devotion this morning took me by surprise. I love when that happens. When words that I have read before are read with fresh eyes and an open heart. How I can open the Bible to a verse that has already been underlined, yet it jumps off the page to me in a different way than before.

Colossians 4:2, "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."

The Lord wants us to bring our hearts and our requests to Him. We shouldn't feel selfish or silly to ask God for things because the Bible tells us to make our requests known to God (Phil. 4:6). He has always invited us to speak candidly to Him; to be honest and "real." We don't have to come before Him will rituals or certain words/phrases to speak to Him. He already knows our hearts, and all He wants is for us to share them with Him.

But Colossians 4:2 tells us to watch and be thankful. God wants us to thank Him for the answers that He will bring long before we ever see any proof. To thank Him with our faithfulness of knowing that He will respond. Wow, that's a game changer.

So often I just keep praying the same prayer over and over because I have had the "Devote yourself to prayer" down pat. But what God wants is me to trust in Him that He is good; that He will provide. I can go ahead and thank Him because of my faith that the answers are on the way.

To keep praying over and over for the same things is almost like doubting that He heard me the first, second, or fiftieth time. But to Thank Him over and over is to trust Him.

I love this. I love so deeply how good and loving our Father is, and how we can be our complete faith in Him.

How do you manage?

I have heard said that the number one lie that mothers believe is that "She is the only one who struggles with ________________." Fill in the blank - impatience, keeping up with the cleaning, playing in the floor, meal planning, laundry, etc.

Since I know that it's a lie that I'm the only one who struggles with this, I want to ask - How do you manage the day to day frustrations of being a Mama? Like when you need 5 minutes to do something, but your kiddos just won't give them to you? Or when you need just a few minutes to catch your breath, but your kiddos just don't understand and keep you feeling breathless?

Today had been a relatively easy day. We had a laid back day of school that lasted all day with breaks in between every activity. We played, we watched a movie together since it's been raining, we baked cookie bars, we didn't rush through anything. And I was able to get my shower, quiet time, and coffee finished about 30 minutes before any of the kiddos woke up. The crock-pot took care of cooking supper. An easy day.

But then the witching hour of 7ish hits, and things go down hill. Scott had to go meet a couple to look at cabinet samples right after supper, and about that time exhaustion kicked in for me. The kiddos were playing and singing to the new Frozen soundtrack, Peanut was occupied, so I tried to sneak away for just 5 minutes to my room to accomplish something. I recently got a new laptop, and I wanted to set up my iTunes account and link it with our other computer. A simple task, really, but it quickly turned into a nightmare.

Peanut noticed that I was not in his line of sight and began calling out my name and crying and looking for me. Which makes the bigger kids notice that Mama is not in the room any more. They quickly find me. I told them that I needed a couple of minutes to do "just one thing," and to please go back to playing. It never happened. The big kids start wrestling on my bed and the tiny one just stands at my legs clinging to me and crying.

In that moment I just became so flustered. All I wanted was 5 minutes to do something, and I got about 1 minute to simply get started. My selfish side screams, "Just leave me alone!" My guilty mom side screams, "They will only be little once!" And somewhere in between those voices I just want to put a pillow over my head and make it all go away.

I don't know what the solution is. I guess if I was the perfect Mama, I would have simply stopped what I was doing and waited until the kiddos were all tucked safely in their beds before trying again. But you know what? I'm not perfect! And after getting up at 5:30 and being ON all.day.long all I want to do when my kids go to bed is go to bed myself.

So how do you manage this struggle with frustration/flustering? I know making kids have "quiet time" is popular right now...an hour in the day so that Mama can get some things done. But I don't know exactly how to manage that since my big kids share a room. If I split them up, one is still with me - and I'm still not getting anything done that I need/want to.

Days are long. They are full of good and bad and grumpy and laughter and silliness and correction. But my need to breathe often overtakes me, and that is when I find myself flustered and on the brink of breaking. I know I'm not alone in this, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. How do you manage, Mama?

Before You Judge

We as parents all know what it's like to be judged. We are certainly judged by those without children all of the time. For anyone who is reading this who doesn't have children, here's a warning: For all of the times you say or think, "My child will never..." or "If my child ever acts like that s/he will be punished." - If/when you have your own children - You will eat your words ten-fold! That's a fact.....isn't it, Mamas?!?

But perhaps the most painful judgements come from other mothers. People without kids, they just don't know better. But people with their own children - they do know better. And their judgements hurt.

The other day I was at Chick-fil-A with all three of my kiddos eating lunch. It was a day that we had a peaceful meal - no drinks were spilled, no food knocked off the table, no one complained about what s/he got to eat. It was a successful lunch! But there was this other mother who did not have such a peaceful CFA outing. Her kiddos were rowdy at the table, spilled their food, and caused the mother a bit of stress. To top it off, she had to take her two small kiddos to the bathroom by herself. Now this is never an easy task, but for this mama it was monstrous ordeal. Her little boy who was probably around the age of 3 was not happy at all about being in the bathroom. He pitched a fit and screamed so loud that the entire restaurant could hear him. The entire restaurant.

As I looked around, I saw the same thing: huge eyes on other parents, looks of "What in the world?" passing back and forth between people, and the shaking of heads in judgement. It was as if all of the other people in CFA had forgotten their own child's last tantrum. They had forgotten how difficult it was just to get to CFA with children in tow, just an hour after their own child pitched a fit about putting on his shoes or her jacket.

That poor mama did not need judgement. What she needed was a standing ovation for surviving the bathroom with two small children and the ability to come out with her head held high!

Why is it that we are so quick to judge others? Why do we forget that we struggle with our children and their meltdowns? Why do we forget that being a mama is hard? No matter what stage we are in with our kiddos, challenges are always there. Is it because we want so badly to portray a "perfect image" that we put up a front of judgement toward others? Are we too proud to recognize our own faults, but not too proud to point out those of others?

I'm not sure exactly what it is, but Ann Voskamp calls this the "measuring stick" that women use. Whether it's used to cut someone else down or to build ourselves up, "measuring sticks always become weapons."

Comparison robs you of the joys of your own life, and it robs others of the encouragement and support that they need. That we all so desperately need.

Before you judge, dear one, look to the One who is the ultimate Judge. Look to the One who knows your inner heart and see what He may want to expose in you. Look to the One who knows the inner heart of that other mama and see how He may want you to encourage her.

Life is too precious to judge others, so before you judge look out from your heart. No one needs more judgement in her life. We judge ourselves harshly enough anyway.

"So then, let us follow after things which make for peace, and things by which we may build one another up." Romans 14:19

The God-sized hole

Last night we went to our small group where we meet with five other couples to "do life" together for a couple of years. We have been sharing our "stories" in order to get to know one another and be vulnerable with one another so that we can be REAL together.

All of our stories are different. But they are all the same. Everyone one of us has pain and disappointment and hurts in our lives. From those who look like they have perfect lives to those who carry a little more weight on their shoulders. We have all been in the same place. The place where we have felt the emptiness, have tried to fill that emptiness, and we had to make the decision of what to do with it.

We all have a hole inside of us that we long to fill. We fill it with sex, alcohol, drugs, perfection, control, friends, children. But those things never fill the hole. They can't fill the hole - because they do not fit. We all have a God-sized hole that ONLY He can fill. All of us. We are no different. Jesus isn't for the beautiful, the rich, the good, the smart, the organized, the middle class, those who have it all together. Jesus is for the broken. And we are all broken.

It does not matter who you are or where you're from or what you've done or how you've lived or the decisions you've made. The truth is there is no other way to fill the emptiness inside of you except through the cross of Christ. He loves you. You, with all of your mistakes and your bad decisions and your sins. He loves you. He loves me, with my sins and my struggles and my bad decisions. God only sees you through eyes of love. And once you give your life to Christ, God does not see your past mistakes and sins. He only sees the love of Christ that has washed over you. When you come to Christ, you come by the way of repentance. You turn away from the bad and turn to The Good. You admit that He is the only One who can change you. He can. He will.

So many of us look at the world and have a hard time believing in and trusting God because of all the evil in the world. I have been one of those people. I have seen first hand injustice and unfairness and evil, but I have come to understand that the world is not evil because of guns and bombs and war and abuse and lust and greed. The world is evil because of the hearts behind those things. Hearts that are empty do evil things.

The cross is offensive because it demands a new lifestyle. Sin is a disease that is incurable without God's love. Yes, the cross is offensive, but God's love is not. God watched His only son die a horrible and painfully cruel death - that we deserved. But God knew that the only way for us to be cured from the disease of sin was by the blood of His son.

Grace. God's grace fills that hole that each one of us has. Grace is something that we do not deserve, but it is offered to us anyway. And that is what God offers. Amazing grace.

I encourage you to watch this message from Billy Graham. It has two people in this video that you would not expect - a gang member and a girl who was suicidal. But God rescued them. He didn't judge them, He loved them. He loves you.

http://youtu.be/bba2Dqaw6SI

The Perfect Family

As women we tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. We look around and feel that we don't quite measure up. We compare ourselves to others; we fall short. I'm not just talking how we feel about ourselves, but also how we feel about our families. You know what I'm talking about. You seem to always run into "them" on the days when you're the most disheveled, the most at-your-wit's-end, the least patient. Hello! There they are, and there you are. Them looking "family photo shoot" ready, and your family looking as though y'all just rolled out of bed. Sigh.

Many times in the Christian world we are told that the "perfect family" doesn't exist - that there's no such thing. But I don't think that's true. I believe that the perfect family does truly exist.

I have the perfect family. And so do you.

Our families are perfectly made up of imperfect people.

When you look around and compare your family to someone else's - you are comparing yourself to other imperfect people. No person is perfect. But families were created perfectly.

The Bible tells us that children are a heritage and a reward from the Lord. I don't know about you, but when I hear the word "reward" I think of something good. Something meant as a specific blessing. And that is what I believe our children are. They were specifically - perfectly - placed in your arms as a blessing from the Lord. That imperfect little baby placed in your imperfect loving arms. Whether naturally born or welcomed through adoption, God knows what He's doing. Those children you have - they were made just for you.  Circumstances may be different, challenges unique, but our families are perfect.

God knew that we would look outside of our little worlds and compare "ours" with "theirs." He knew that we would go buy bigger and better and more possessions to keep up with the ideals of this world. But we can't do that with children, can we? We simply take what He gives us. He could not give your family anything greater than what he already has. Those children who drive you bonkers? They were made specifically for you. Those kiddos who are so different than you? They were made specifically for you. Those kids who call only you Mom? They were made perfectly for you.

Don't waste time wishing you could have the perfect family. You already do. Don't compare your family to another based on any worldly standard. If we simply look through the eyes of our Father, we see that He only gives good gifts. Our families were made by our loving God who took imperfectly people and had them create the perfect families. Not perfect in talents or appearance or performance, but perfectly made for us.

 

Have Your Way

Music speaks to me in ways so deeply that I can't explain it. So many times I have heard the Spirit speak to me through music - especially those times when I've been unable (or unwilling) to hear from God.

This song speaks out the deepest prayer of my heart. A prayer that I want so desperately to pray - but I've been scared. My fear holds me back from the unknown, the what ifs, the how will it work out?

But if I truly surrender myself to my Savior, I have no fear. My whole life is His. And I want Him to have His way. I don't know what His way looks like. I don't know what plans He has in store for me. I have been scared out of my mind because I am a neat and tidy and box-it-up-and-put-a-bow-on-it kind of gal. But I can't let fear keep me from living a surrendered life. Jesus has so much more in store for me than I can imagine. It might not be what I have expected or anticipated - in fact, it probably won't be those things. And that's OK. The Bible tells us that His ways are perfect because He is good and that He loves us. If I truly believe that, then surrendering my life to Him should not feel like a burden. It should feel like a breath of fresh air. I can take the burden off myself of working out my own life and allow my Savior to do it for me.

There have been a couple of areas that I have clung so tightly to that they have started to become burdens to me. Areas that are so close to my heart that for them to become burdens is absurd. One of those is my children and their safety. I can become wound up in fear that I miss the opportunity to watch them bloom. And that's not how God created a parent to be.

Another is all that I have seen throughout my travels to Haiti and Africa. Before we start arguing about serving the poor here in America...let me just lay it out there that this is my burden. If your burden is for the poor and homeless in America, then I encourage you to get out there in your community and serve. But for me, my burden is for all the wretchedness I have seen. My eyes have seen, my heart has hurt, and my life has been changed. But what do I do with that change? Is fear holding me back?

The greatest desire of my heart is to lay my life down at the cross and give all I have to God. It's all His anyway. I want to walk in all He has for me. Good, bad, ugly, dirty, beautiful, wretched. Because what He has for me is so much better than anything I have for me. I don't want to be great by the western world's definition. I want to be great because I lived a surrendered life.

My whole life is Yours.

I give it all surrendered to Your name

And forever I will pray Have Your Way.

Have Your Way.

http://youtu.be/bvNdybdyeOc

the Best is yet to come

My heart has been so heavy this week with unspeakable loss and tragedy. It's so easy to ask "Why, God?" in the midst of it all, but that question won't be answered in this life. We don't understand - can't understand - but that's not really our task. Our task is to live in trust and allow His Glory through our messy lives.

I am reading the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. Actually, I am reading it and re-reading it at the same time. It has been such a profound book for me and "where I've been" that I find that I can't read it like a typical book. I have read each chapter at least 3 times, and I am only on Chapter 8. Basically, the book is based on the idea that:

"Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit first to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."

Chapter One is titled, "My Problem With God." I knew that I was going to find this book enlightening just by that title. You see, I have had my fair share of "problems with God." Call me a brat (and it's OK if you do...nicely please...because I have called myself one before) - but in the past I've really been fed up with God because I simply haven't gotten my way.

Wow. Talk about cold reality.

I haven't been getting my way. And I've been bitter about it. You see, in my worldly opinion there's nothing wrong with My Way.

As Crabb asks, "How do we trust a sometimes disappointing, seemingly fickle God who fails to do for us what good friends, if they could, would do?"

And then he answers.

"The problem sincere Christians have with God often comes down to a wrong understanding of what this life is meant to provide. We naturally and wrongly assume we're here to experience something God has never promised...Both good hopes and best hopes are guaranteed in heaven. But fulfillment of the best hopes is not yet promised in this life."

 

The highest dream we can ever experience is being in the presence of God. We will not suffer in heaven; there will be no loss. Every imaginable dream will come true.

But this life is not meant to provide the fulfillment of the highest dream. This life is meant to "stir an appetite for a higher purpose -- the better hope of knowing God well enough to love Him above everything else...and trusting Him no matter what happens."

Trusting God above our shattered dreams.

Trusting God when we don't get our way.

Trusting God through overwhelming circumstances and loss.

Trusting God even when He seems so distant we wonder if He even cares.

It's hard.

For many of us, we have wrongly equated God blessing us with God loving us. If God gives us what we want, He must love us. If God refuses to grant our requests, He must be with-holding His love from us.

But, we couldn't be more wrong.

God doesn't want us to settle for Good when He can only provide what's Best.

 

Shattered dreams open the door to this Best Dream, a dream that we do not properly understand until those "good dreams" are destroyed.

My good dreams have been destroyed. Over and over again.

Destruction of dreams is painful. It has been tear-wrenching, fist-waving, fightin' word screaming, door slamming (me, not God) - hard.

But suffering in this world still has a purpose. It's often long; it's hard; it's trying and frustrating. But it can also bring us to the place where we no longer want to settle.

To no longer demand what's good, but to desire what's best.

Crabb envisions Jesus speaking to us in the Garden of Gethsemane saying,

"Some of your fondest dreams will shatter, and you will be tempted to lose hope. I will seem to you callous or, worse, weak -- unresponsive to your pain. You will wonder if I cannot do anything or simply will not. I will seem to withdraw from you and do nothing. BUT, a plan is unfolding that you can not clearly see. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt [shattered dreams], but you would not lose hope. You would gladly remain faithful to me in the middle of the worst suffering."

Why?

Because we have hope of the BEST that is to come.

Living without Him

Four years ago, our daughter, Birdie, was very sick. She was a patient at Scottish Rite for 29 days. She had severe diarrhea and vomiting that would not stop even when put on Zofran and other drugs through an IV. For almost an entire month, test after test after test was run on Birdie, but the doctors always came back without answers. The doctors, nurses, and specialists all wore Hazmat suits when they came into her room because they were so concerned about her undiagnosed-illness spreading.

During that month, I prayed more fervently than at any other time in my life. I prayed for answers. I prayed for healing. I prayed that IVs would go in easily. I prayed for quiet nights of rest. None of those prayers were answered, and I didn't know what to do with that. For the first time in my life, I was angry. And I wasn't just angry at anyone - I was angry at God. Why didn't He just heal my daughter? Why did it take 37 sticks to get one IV in? Why couldn't we go just one night without nurses having to come in and clean up yet another mess in the bed or on the floor?

For a long time I didn't know what to do with that anger. I've been a Christian since I was 11, and things have always seemed to go my way. I graduated college with high ranks, I married a wonderful man, we created a beautiful family, and life was simply blessed. So when our lives were turned upside down with an illness that struck our daughter, my faith ran straight into a brick wall. Hard.

I can specifically remember looking at my Bible and thinking, "God, you've let me down. And now, I'm just going to put this away and not talk to you anymore." I took my Bible, and I placed it in a drawer of my nightstand. It stayed there for 11 months.

I continued to go to church and go through the motions without allowing God to penetrate my heart. In fact, I worked at a church during this time. A big, prominent church that reaches hundreds of thousands each week. Sometimes, I would think that if the pastor ever found out about my doubts and anger toward God, He'd fire me in a heartbeat.

You see, Birdie's illness didn't end after our 29 day stint at Scottish Rite. For the next two years, there were many doctor's visits, specialist visits, medications, probiotics, trips to the ER for IV fluids. Throughout that time, I continued to push my unresponsive God out of my life. He "stayed" in the drawer of my nightstand, and I never let Him out. Friends prayed for me, gave me books, sent me cards of encouragement in the mail. I am thankful that I had those things, but they are not what led me to opening that closed drawer and taking God back out.

You see, in those 2 years I found that living with God, even when He's not answering my prayers, is better than living without Him. Living in and wrestling with the pain of unanswered prayers was hard, but doing it without God was insurmountable. I had no hope to cling to without Jesus. All I had was my anger and fear, and neither of those without God was doing me any good. Once I took God back out, I found that He could handle my anger. Instead of refusing to talk to Him, I did the exact opposite. I took all of my anger and hurt and frustration and disappointment straight to Him. I cried to Him, I yelled at Him, I broke down prostrate in front of Him. And He took it all.

You see, when I became a Christian and lived the Christian life for the next 20 years, I believed the lie that since I was a Christian good things will befall me. Things will go my way, life will be good - because I have God on my side. Because of that lie, when life suddenly went "wrong," my faith in the God I thought I knew flew out the window. Those 11 long months without participating in my relationship with my Heavenly Father taught me more than any of the previous 20 years. I had never known what it meant to live without God; to think that I'll just do life on my own. "I don't need You," was my attitude.

That was the greatest lie of all. Because whether life goes my way, or whether it doesn't - I need Jesus. We all need Jesus. Not just at the end of our days when death draws near and we want to sneak our way into Heaven. No, we need Jesus every day of our lives. We need Him to guide us through the muck and the mire. To be there when we need a shoulder to cry on or a person to scream at. Only He can take it all.

That is why this blog is titled Our Hope is in Truth. Because only in Truth can we put our hope. And the Truth is that God loves us. No matter what comes to pass in our lives - good, bad, ugly, beauty, misery, heartbreak, beauty, sickness, death, healing, unforgiveness, loss, gain, failure - no matter what God loves us. And we can choose to live our lives with Him or without Him. I've tried both, and living with God - even when bad things happen - is better than living without Him.

Out of the mouths of...adults

Maybe it shouldn't, but it still shocks me at the things adults - full-grown-up-people - will say to another person. I have heard about the careless things people have said to friends during their pregnancies (e.g. "You're sooo big, you look like you're carrying twins."), but right now I have found myself dealing with things people say about our Peanut.

I almost dread now when people ask me how old he is, because it's always after my answer that WhoKnowsWhat will come out of peoples' mouths.

He's one? Why is he so small?

What? He can't be one, he's too puny.

He's already one? Is something wrong with him?

Seriously! How rude, callous, inconsiderate, uncouth can people be. Yes, I know the Peanut is small...but his Daddy and I surely aren't giants ourselves. While I don't mind going into Peanut's story of being 2 months early and trying to play catch-up with explosive reflux...I usually don't have time when someone makes one of those dreadful comments. I'm usually walking out of the store. Or I'm running into the store to the bathroom with all three. Or I'm in the checkout line at the grocery trying to place all of my groceries on the belt while also juggling Peanut in the carrier while also making sure the bigger kiddos aren't knocking things off the candy stands. A semi-lengthy answer to a simple, "How old is he?" question just isn't easy most of the time. I know that Peanut is healthy, and he's quite a happy little fella. I wish others' comments didn't ruffle my feathers so, but it just does.

Instead of letting my frustration fester and cause my blood pressure to rise, I now feel empowered to really watch what I say. Proverbs 13:3 says, "Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything." I hope that I am able to hold my tongue or think twice before making what I think is just a "little comment." I don't want to be the cause of ruining someone's day simply because of something careless I say. Words have more impact than many, many things. I pray that my words will have an impact for the good of others. And I pray that I will smile and give grace to those whose words slip out a little more carelessly than they should.

 

Long days

The quote "The days are long but the years are short" pulls at my heart-strings every time.

But what do you do with those long days? With the child who is just plain difficult? With the messes that never cease and the arguing that never ends? What do you do with the laundry that piles up and the bills that keep coming in? What do you do with the needs that never seem to be fully met - the kiddos' or your own?

It would be so nice if life came with an easy button. A button to push on those extra long days to simply make whatever is going wrong, right. God could have made life work like that. Sometimes knowing that can send me into a tailspin. Why didn't He just make life easier?

The only answer is: He desires a relationship with us. He wants us to call upon His name, to reach out to the only one who knows how long and hard our days can be.

Meredith is the person that I call and say, "Can I just talk to you for a minute? Everything that could go wrong today, has." I don't call her expecting an answer to my problems. I call her because she is there. She's my friend, and I know that nothing I say will shock her, make her think less of me, or even bother her. We have a relationship. We are connected in friendship.

And that's only a taste of what we can have with our Heavenly Father. A connection where He will always be there. Nothing I do or confess will shock Him or make Him think less of me. Nothing I ever do will change His love for me. It's that Grace that gets me through the long days.

Through His grace, I can look at the cup of sticky chocolate milk that has spilled down the entire refrigerator and understand that these days are short. While I won't necessarily miss wiping down every.single.item in the fridge as food sits on the dinner table getting cold, I can take a deep breath and know that I will miss those sweet little hands that sat the milk in the fridge.

But I only gain that perspective by running to the One who calls me by name. Running to Him with my own sticky hands and tear-stained face knowing that our relationship is enough.
The days do get long, but His grace lasts much longer.

 

 

Satisfying the Hunger

Last week I got up at 6:15 to start my day. I woke up with such hunger to read the Word, and I went straight to my reading spot and began studying the book of James. Peanut was sleeping in my bed (after yet another stomach bug hit), so I had to be very quiet. I was reading my Bible by flashlight, constantly juggling between reading and writing down notes in my journal. At first I thought, "This is a lot of trouble." But then the Holy Spirit whispered to me, "You are blessed to be able to do this."

And just like that, I was brought to my knees. I was reminded that there are hundreds of thousands of people in China, India, Russia, all over the world who risk their lives just to read the Bible. People smuggle Bibles into underground meeting holes (literal holes dug into the ground) just to talk about Jesus, to read about Him, to worship Him.

My hunger was overwhelming on this particular morning, but I was reminded that my hunger should be insatiable every day. I live in a country with Freedom of Religion, yet I can go days without opening my Bible. I live with the knowledge that God loves me and calls me His child, yet I "forget" to spend time with Him on a daily basis.

I am ashamed because I know there are people who risk their very lives just to get a taste of Jesus; just to utter His name in secret among other fellow believers. And yet I take my own freedom for granted. I take for granted the freedom that I have to worship God and His son. I take for granted the freedom that I have found in Christ.

My heart is heavy for the moments that I have let slip away from me on days when I decided sleeping in was more needed than spending time in the Word. My heart is burdened for my brothers and sisters in Christ who put themselves in danger satisfying the hunger of their hearts to be close to our Heavenly Father. What if I lived every day truly believing that nothing else mattered other than drawing as close as possible to Christ? What if my hunger to know more about God and His love and His goodness was never satisfied? What if the only way to satisfy the hunger of my heart was to live like those who risk it all just to whisper His name...

Oh be still, my unfaithful heart. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and just allow Him to satisfy your hunger. Allow Him to be all you need. Oh, heart, you waiver daily on what is truly good; on what you truly need. But there is only One who can fill you up; only One who can satisfy you. Run after Him, my heart, as though your very life depends upon it. Because it does. Heart, you have safety in freedom to soak up His Word and His knowledge. Don't take that for granted! Be like those who risk it all simply to satisfy the hunger.

What will Heaven be like?

So many people ask the question, "What will Heaven be like." Children, adults, Christians, people who are searching for answers.

Physically, I don't know what Heaven will be like. I don't know what it will look like, where exactly Heaven will be, what exactly we will do for eternity.

But what I do know with all of my heart is that Heaven is where we all belong.

This world is not our home.

One of my current favorite songs is by Building 429.
I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world, and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong.


Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside.
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive?
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find.
Unfairness, judgement, mistreatment, gossip, rudeness, pettiness...these things surround us here on earth. But I truly believe that when we get to Heaven, the relationships that are so hard here will be healed there.

Relationships with fathers.
Would-be sisters.
Lost friends.

I believe that though I had a love/hate relationship with my step-dad I will run into his arms once I reach Heaven and all of the wounds will have already been healed.

I believe that though I have a tough relationship with "would-be sisters" right now in my life, no apologies will be needed in Heaven.

I believe that even though I haven't seen my biological father for years and years now, that he will recognize his grandchildren and our relationships will not be awkward. Forgiveness will simply be there.

Heaven is where we all belong. Pain is a reminder that this is not our home. Pain is the revealing of a greater thirst that simply cannot be quenched outside of Heaven.

I want to be found in Jesus at the end of my time so that He can take me home. To heaven. Where I belong.

Moved and settling in

I've moved. Not into a new house (and I'm not even going to sigh at those words), but I've moved to a new blog/website. According to my fellow "geek friends," I needed to Grow Up to a better website than blogspot. Of course, blogspot served me well and I was happy there. But, as my writing matures and I settle in to this new venture, I suppose Growing Up is inevitable. :)

So here I am! And I've brought my heart, my honesty, and my family right along with me. I would love for you to Follow Me and subscribe to this blog. I have transferred over some of my posts from the old blog as they allow you to see the true me. I am honest to a fault sometimes, and being vulnerable comes easier than I thought it would - in writing at least.

Thanks for following/joining me here! I'd love to hear from you. :)

Remembering "me"

Recently someone made a statement that really made me think. She said, "I think it's so stupid for anyone to color her hair." It was probably directed at moi, but that's OK. This person doesn't have children so she can't possibly understand.

Before I had Ella Beth, I didn't color my hair. I was naturally blonde...lighter blonde in the summer and darker blonde in the winter. But blonde. Naturally.

Then I had Ella Beth.

Then Landon.

Then Porter.

And now...well, one look at my toe heads and it's clear where all of my blonde hairs went. To their heads!

After Ella Beth was born, it was easy to get hi-lights every so often. My hair color didn't change that much, but hormones did take my once light blonde hair to a medium blonde. But I was still blonde and I still felt like "me." Then after Landon, those lovely hormones took my hair a couple of shades darker. And, alas, after the hormones ripped their way through my body with Porter my hair is yet another shade or two darker. I am not a blonde anymore.

Hair to a woman is a very personal thing. It defines us in a way. For a long time, I kept trying to get back to who I was before Ella Beth was born. I wanted to remember "me" as I used to be...young, blonde, cute, full of energy.

But one girl and two boys later, and "me" gets lost most days. I gave up running after those light blonde shades a couple of years ago. It was too time consuming and expensive. But in doing so, I also feel like I had to give up a part of who I used to be.

No one tells us gals what motherhood really costs. No one tells us about being pooped on, vomited on, lied to, snarled at. No one tells us how isolating it can be; how loneliness creeps in when babies' schedules need to be kept. How depressing it is to have to cancel plans because discipline requires consequences. Or how time consuming mundane tasks can be. Or how the excitement of the month is running around with the kiddos cleaning the house because we {finally} have company coming over.

Somewhere in all of that, it's hard to remember the "me" I used to be. My strengths haven't changed - I am still highly organized, creative, thoughtful. But there are times when my strengths feel like they are suffocated. Is it really all that exciting to organize the school room, bathroom cabinets, and pantry again? Is it really considered creative to take the kids on a nature walk in the backyard for the third time this month? And how thoughtful was it really to make the kids' beds for them as a surprise while they ate breakfast?

Some days I feel that my strengths used to be so much more. Like "me" used to be so much...better. 

But then Grace softly blows in. Grace is like that most of the time. It doesn't scream at you; doesn't tackle you to the ground. It whispers.

Grace whispers the reminder that "me" is still wrapped in the Love of my Heavenly Father. He remembers "me" even when I don't. He created the "me" back then, just as He's creating the "me" I am still unfolding into.

It's easy to get lost some days; hard to find the "me" I used to be or the "me" I am now. But God sends His reminder that "me" is not lost; not to Him. No matter what color my hair is.

Jeremiah 31:3, "I have loved you with an everlasting love." (emphasis added)

My Choice is Not to Lose

If there is no other blog post you ever read, read THIS. I read this back in May, and it stirred my heart deeply. I felt convicted, but made excuses not to do anything about those convictions.

In this "technology centered age" it's hard to break away from technology. The always keeping up with "friends," the "following," and the "pinning" of amazing ideas we wish we had thought of. But what does the constant tie to technology really gain for us? After a great deal of prayer and soul searching, I agree with Rachel Stafford that what we are really gaining is a loss.

A loss of authentic relationships as opposed to blurbs from hundreds of "friends" on Facebook.
A loss of prioritizing what's truly important in our days.
A loss of time that has been wasted.

But most importantly, as parents, we are missing out on our children's childhoods. 

I am going to be vulnerable here and confess that for the last 4 months since Peanut has been home with us, the first sight Birdie and Buddy-Ro usually see in the morning is me nursing Peanut with my iPhone in hand. I have made many different excuses to myself and to the kiddos like, "I just need/want something to do while I'm sitting here." Or, "I'm just trying to stay awake." Or, "I'm reading my Bible on my phone." (Which is usually what I am doing first thing in the morning...but, goodness, I'd rather them have the memory of me with my actual Bible laid open with well-worn pages than a memory of me with my phone.)

I have considered on a number of occasions deleting my Facebook account so as not to have that be a constant distraction. But then another "friend" would become pregnant and I told myself that I didn't want to miss out on her excitement. Or a "friend" would go on a trip and I didn't want to miss those pictures. Or a "friend" from the past would find me and I wanted to catch up. But really, those "friendships" are less than authentic. 

Today, a friend with whom I have a real relationship with (meaning we actually talk in person, see one another in person, fellowship together on a regular basis) shared this blog post with me. It slapped me across the face even harder than when I read it back in May. Because this time I realized that I had done nothing about my earlier convictions.

Today, I did.

Before I even finished re-reading the blog post, I deleted my Facebook page. No more excuses. I simply did it. (Now that may seem drastic to you, but this was my conviction and I was honestly tired of lying to myself that it was harmless.) Maybe your area of struggle is playing Words With Friends instead of getting on the floor and playing with your kids? Maybe it's having your Kindle always in your hand instead of engaging in conversation or reading out loud with your kids? Maybe it's checking your phone/email every single time you hear a chime? I don't know your area of struggle, but I hope that you will pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what decision you need to make in order to put your children first. I truly believe that giving undivided attention is the first and most basic ingredient in any relationship.

After I deleted my Facebook page, I went straight to Birdie-girl and Buddy-Ro who were playing in Birdie's room and said something very close to this:
"Mommy wants to apologize to both of you. I am sorry that you see me on the phone a lot of the
time during the day. I am sorry, Birdie, that last night when you came in to tell me good
night while I was nursing Peanut that you saw me on my phone and thought I was too busy to
kiss you good night. I am sorry if there has ever been a time when you thought Mommy's phone
was more important than you. From now on I will try to only be on my phone if I need to talk
with someone. Everything else can wait."

Their reactions were not magical at the exact moment of my apology, but our day together was very different than recent ones. It's as if Birdie and Buddy-Ro knew that they did not have to compete with anything for their Mama's attention. They didn't have to be "put on hold" or told to "wait, just let me finish this." My choice is not to lose out on my children, and they noticed it right away. Our day was different. It was full.

Full of them.
Full of us. 

My Choice is Not to Lose

If there is no other blog post you ever read, read THIS. I read this back in May, and it stirred my heart deeply. I felt convicted, but made excuses not to do anything about those convictions.

In this "technology centered age" it's hard to break away from technology. The always keeping up with "friends," the "following," and the "pinning" of amazing ideas we wish we had thought of. But what does the constant tie to technology really gain for us? After a great deal of prayer and soul searching, I agree with Rachel Stafford that what we are really gaining is a loss.

A loss of authentic relationships as opposed to blurbs from hundreds of "friends" on Facebook.
A loss of prioritizing what's truly important in our days.
A loss of time that has been wasted.

But most importantly, as parents, we are missing out on our children's childhoods. 

I am going to be vulnerable here and confess that for the last 4 months since Porter has been home with us, the first sight Ella Beth and Landon usually see in the morning is me nursing Porter with my iPhone in hand. I have made many different excuses to myself and to the kiddos like, "I just need/want something to do while I'm sitting here." Or, "I'm just trying to stay awake." Or, "I'm reading my Bible on my phone." (Which is usually what I am doing first thing in the morning...but, goodness, I'd rather them have the memory of me with my actual Bible laid open with well-worn pages than a memory of me with my phone.)

I have considered on a number of occasions deleting my Facebook account so as not to have that be a constant distraction. But then another "friend" would become pregnant and I told myself that I didn't want to miss out on her excitement. Or a "friend" would go on a trip and I didn't want to miss those pictures. Or a "friend" from the past would find me and I wanted to catch up. But really, those "friendships" are less than authentic. 

Today, a friend with whom I have a real relationship with (meaning we actually talk in person, see one another in person, fellowship together on a regular basis) shared this blog post with me. It slapped me across the face even harder than when I read it back in May. Because this time I realized that I had done nothing about my earlier convictions.

Today, I did.

Before I even finished re-reading the blog post, I deleted my Facebook page. No more excuses. I simply did it. (Now that may seem drastic to you, but this was my conviction and I was honestly tired of lying to myself that it was harmless.) Maybe your area of struggle is playing Words With Friends instead of getting on the floor and playing with your kids? Maybe it's having your Kindle always in your hand instead of engaging in conversation or reading out loud with your kids? Maybe it's checking your phone/email every single time you hear a chime? I don't know your area of struggle, but I hope that you will pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what decision you need to make in order to put your children first. I truly believe that giving undivided attention is the first and most basic ingredient in any relationship.

After I deleted my Facebook page, I went straight to Ella Beth and Landon who were playing in Ella Beth's room and said something very close to this:
    "Mommy wants to apologize to both of you. I am sorry that you see me on the phone a lot of the
     time during the day. I am sorry, Ella Beth, that last night when you came in to tell me good
     night while I was nursing Porter that you saw me on my phone and thought I was too busy to
     kiss you good night. I am sorry if there has ever been a time when you thought Mommy's phone
     was more important than you. From now on I will try to only be on my phone if I need to talk
     with someone. Everything else can wait."

Their reactions were not magical at the exact moment of my apology, but our day together was very different than recent ones. It's as if Ella Beth and Landon knew that they did not have to compete with anything for their Mama's attention. They didn't have to be "put on hold" or told to "wait, just let me finish this." My choice is not to lose out on my children, and they noticed it right away. Our day was different. It was full.

Full of them.
Full of us. 

My Re-Start Button

Today was one of those days that just got off to a bad start. Everything from Peanut not napping this morning to me not getting to eat breakfast until after 10 a.m. to the bigger kiddos bickering and pestering one another to a late lunch and patience shot - all made this day not easy.

After lunch I sent the kiddos to their rooms because "Mama needed a time out." I thought about crying. I thought about calling a friend to vent. I thought about just throwing my hands up and saying "whatever" to the rest of the day.

But that sweet, sweet Spirit gently nudged me. And I knew exactly what I needed.

I needed to pray. I needed to be close to my Father. I needed His Spirit to wash over me; to lift my yoke and replace it with His. Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I came, and He provided.

As a mother of three, my rest did not last long being that it was 1:27 in the afternoon. However, His restful Spirit gave me what I needed to keep going today.

It's not a magic pill, and it certainly didn't make the rest of the day perfect, but He did come.

He is my re-start button.
On days that are long and hard and I feel so overwhelmed, He is my re-start button.
On days when I am short on patience and long on discipline, He is my re-start button.
On days when the baby won't settle and the big kids won't obey.
On days when I feel isolated.
On days when the night before was long.
On days when smiles are hard to come by.
On days when school seems like a battle.
On days when messes are continually made.
On days when blow-out diapers come at the most inconvenient moments.
On days when the cashier looks at me with that look.
On days when whiny voices grate on my nerves.
On days when I don't get up early.
On days when we run out of milk for the boy who only wants cereal.
On days when the girl's room is a disaster.
On days when the laundry is left in the washing machine too long.
On days when the toilet backs up from little ones using too much toilet paper.
On days when everyone needs a nap but no one gets one.
On the hardest days.

He is my Re-Start Button. 


Micah 7:7, "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me."

My Re-Start Button

Today was one of those days that just got off to a bad start. Everything from Porter not napping this morning to me not getting to eat breakfast until after 10 a.m. to the bigger kiddos bickering and pestering one another to a late lunch and patience shot - all made this day not easy.

After lunch I sent the kiddos to their rooms because "Mama needed a time out." I thought about crying. I thought about calling a friend to vent. I thought about just throwing my hands up and saying "whatever" to the rest of the day.

But that sweet, sweet Spirit gently nudged me. And I knew exactly what I needed.

I needed to pray. I needed to be close to my Father. I needed His Spirit to wash over me; to lift my yoke and replace it with His. Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I came, and He provided. 

As a mother of three, my rest did not last long being that it was 1:27 in the afternoon. However, His restful Spirit gave me what I needed to keep going today. 

It's not a magic pill, and it certainly didn't make the rest of the day perfect, but He did come.

He is my re-start button. 
On days that are long and hard and I feel so overwhelmed, He is my re-start button. 
On days when I am short on patience and long on discipline, He is my re-start button.
On days when the baby won't settle and the big kids won't obey.
On days when I feel isolated.
On days when the night before was long.
On days when smiles are hard to come by.
On days when school seems like a battle.
On days when messes are continually made.
On days when blow-out diapers come at the most inconvenient moments.
On days when the cashier looks at me with that look.
On days when whiny voices grate on my nerves.
On days when I don't get up early.
On days when we run out of milk for the boy who only wants cereal.
On days when the girl's room is a disaster.
On days when the laundry is left in the washing machine too long.
On days when the toilet backs up from little ones using too much toilet paper.
On days when everyone needs a nap but no one gets one.
On the hardest days.

He is my Re-Start Button. 


Micah 7:7, "But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord,
                    I wait for God my Savior;
                    my God will hear me."

Vanity

Lately the Lord has really been working on my personal struggle with vanity. I have struggled (as many girls/women have) for years with how I view myself. I am a perfectionist in every way, so I have always been hard on myself. Especially when it comes to my appearance.

But, the Lord has been using something - or should I say someone - to really bring my vanity front and center in my life.

My daughter.

Ouch, huh?

Like most mamas, when I found out I was pregnant with a little girl I went out and bought everything girly in every shade of pink to be found. Flowers on her crib bedding? Well, duh. A soft pallet to paint her room? Well, yeah. Dresses and hair bows and tights and frilly shoes? Of course! It was like playing dress up with a real live baby doll. I remember changing her clothes multiple times a day due to her dreadful reflux and thinking, "Oh, good. Now she can wear this today, too!"

But my little girl isn't growing up to be the frilly little Miss Priss that I thought she would. Now, she does like to wear a dress to church or to somewhere special, however, at any other time she wants to wear her "mud clothes." Mud? As in wet, nasty, smelly dirt? Yes. And oh. my. word. at how my Birdie-girl hates having her hair brushed or fixed.

And it pains me. It truly does. But why?

Here is where God's tender love allows His Holy Spirit to begin to work in me. Here is where God brings front and center my own struggle with vanity. I care what my daughter looks like because I think she is a reflection of me. If she looks pretty, then that somehow makes me look prettier. If her outfit is super cute and her hair bow and shoes coordinate perfectly, then somehow that makes me look better.

But Birdie was not created to be a reflection of me. Birdie was created to be a reflection of Him.

I have heard of women who dress their daughters to the nines in silly, frilly outfits to go to preschool. Outfits that are so uncomfortable that their daughters can't concentrate on their work or can't play outside on the playground with their friends; that they need to change half way through their 4 hour stay into the dreaded "extra change of clothes."  And come on, we all know that those extra clothes are something most moms just throw together hoping will never be worn. If Birdie went to public school, I am sure that I would have been guilty of this.

Lucky for both of us, God has really brought into view my vanity. How I can get so caught up in finding my own worth in appearances that I bring my daughter into the fold as well. And that is not where I want her to be. Her great worth comes from simply being a daughter of her heavenly Father.


My focus needs to be on Birdie's heart. My mission as a mother needs to be how to touch her heart for eternity. How I value her as a person will greatly influence how she values herself. And how she values herself will greatly influence how she feels God values her.

Christy Nockels has a new CD out, and one of her songs is "For Your Splendor" -

“I’m so concerned with what I look like from the outside.
Will I blossom into what You hope I’ll be.
Yet You’re so patient just to help me see.
The blooms come from a deeper seed that You planted in me.

And I’ll grow up strong and beautiful, all for Your splendor, Lord.
So with my arms stretched out, I’m swaying to Your heartbeat.
I’m growing with the sound of Your voice calling.
You’re bringing out the beauty that You have put in me.
For Your joy and for Your glory falling.”

 My deepest prayer is that Birdie will grow up for His splendor.