bobo

many memories i have of my childhood revolve around extended family and the times we would get together. ma and bobo (my dad's parents) lived in or near the same town as us for the majority of my life so we were over there fairly regularly. it was not uncommon for those who smoked to be outside shooting the bull about how much rain we needed or what the cowboys needed to do to fix their defense. many of the older kids and grownups would be gathered around the table playing phase 10, canasta or zonk. the one tv was in the living room and they had only 3 movies that we liked to watch- a care bears nutcracker movie, the unsinkable molly brown, and lil' abner. whenever we wanted to watch any of those we would have to ask bobo if we could watch it. so in we would traipse over to his chair and ask him to please let us watch these movies, and most of the time, he would oblige. in my opinion, the care bears was probably his favorite!
bobo was missing the tips of 2 of his fingers from an accident he had working in the mechanic shop at john deere, but whenever we would ask him what happened to his fingers he would tell us that was what happened when you picked your nose. as i got older and realized he was just joking i have fond memories of watching younger cousins' eyes bulge the first time they heard it.
in 2001 bobo had some serious heart trouble and it wasn't expected he would live to see 4 of us grandkids graduate that year- he was a fighter. doctors told him he needed to stop smoking or the outlook would be grim for him in the future- he was stubborn. in may of 2001 i walked across the stage to receive my diploma and bobo was alive. in june of 2006 i married chris and bobo was there to see me get married. christmas of 2010 i expected it to be the last time i would see him alive as he was quickly declining. i brought carter to texas to see him in march of this year. friday morning, my stubborn, tough, and loving bobo went to be with Jesus. he left his body riddled with cancer, his lungs that couldn't breathe well enough, his heart that couldn't keep up, to assume a new body that had none of the ailments that his earthly body had.
my bobo was not perfect- far from it in fact, but in the last few years, everytime i would see him, he would kiss me on my cheek, hug me tight around my neck, and tell me that he loved me, that he was proud of me, and that i was a good girl. so now if i close my eyes and try really hard i can still smell the lingering scent of tobacco, hear the gravely sound of his voice and feel the scratchiness of his stubbly cheek as he hugged me; and that is the memory i am going to hold onto most of all until i see him again, someday.

4 words

grief: sharp sorrow; painful regret
hope: to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence
understanding: superior power of discernment
confusion: perplexity; bewilderment

it's 3 am and I am awake, plagued by an outpouring of emotions i don't fully comprehend. the above listed words are probably the four which have been most prevalent lately. grief for what was lost. hope for our future family. understanding of which I have none. confusion of which i have too much. you see these four words do not make life easy when they are constantly battling each other. especially in the context i am feeling them.

there have been other times in my life when these four emotions/words were making life difficult and unfortunately i dwelt on confusion, which spawned anger, frustration, and depression. perhaps my faith was not as strong. or i've grown up. whatever the reasoning, right now as i am sitting on the floor of the nursery for the child who is not yet here, i cling to hope and pray for understanding.

i choose to choose joy, hope, and understanding. i choose to trust Your will is perfect. i choose to believe that Your promises are true. and i choose to let go of the hurt in my heart and allow You to heal. You promise peace; i'll take it. You promise Your presence; i need it.

holidays shmolidays

my christmas tree is up and decorated... and i still have fall decor in my dining room and on my front porch. feelin a little red. the rest of the christmas decorations are coming up in the next few days before we head to myrtle beach for thanksgiving with the lawson clan.

the beach. at thanksgiving. this will be a totally new experience for me. the girl who grew up in the plains of texas and had never vacationed "at the beach" until last year. it's not the first year to spend thanksgiving away from my family and in a matter of speaking i suppose i am not spending the holiday away from my family... just the ramsey side.

this will be the first year i am away from my parents and sister for christmas. chris graciously chose to do his first non-lawson christmas last year and now it's my turn. but not only will we not be with ramsey family, we won't be with lawson family either. it's our first christmas completely and totally by ourselves.

we thought we would try to come up with a tradition that is just ours and maybe that will make the day brighter. not to be a pessimist but part of the whole joy of christmas is spending it with my family. the family that i grew up with. the one that i would wake up at 530am on christmas morning to open presents. the one that reads the christmas story before any presents are open so we don't forget the true meaning of christmas. the one where my dad shares words of affirmation to each of us so we know how much we mean to him. the one where my mom makes a brunch and then we have a huge dinner around 4. that family. the one in texas. the one that is no longer my immediate family.

"and then man and woman shall become one flesh [and become one family]". i still will be with my family this christmas. a new family. one that is smaller. the family of chris and myself. the family that has lost a child. but it's our family. our small family of two (plus mollie, the dog). the lawson family.

i guess christmas will be strangely andwonderfully different this year.