Mood: Tired
Pain Scale: 6-7
Day: 27
I'm starting to realize that I crave the relaxation and numbness alcohol gives me when my pain increases. I've always known that I used it to dull my Fibro, but these days it's becoming more apparent. Ug. I'm gonna have to find something else. :( I wish I had a bathtub. It def helps to soak in a hot bath. I've also contemplated medical marijuana since I can longer buy my muscle relaxers over the internet from Canada. I'm not happy with the Obamacare. Booooooooooooo....totally fucks the single childless lower middle class, aka ME. $275 bucks a month for NOTHING (unless I can magically also pay the $5,000 deductible as well)!! Yea sure if I get deathly ill it will help me out, but what about preventive? What about the pain I'm in NOW! Sigh. So lame. I could rant about it for ages! I'm choosing to pay the fine this year.
Conception Misconception
An ironic title under the circumstances.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Mood: Determined
Pain Scale: 4
Day: 26
It's turning out to be a good week so far! Last week was a bit of a challenge. I had lots of body pain. Exchanged my usual hard core yoga classes for the gentle classes, but kept my running schedule the same. I think my body was healing old injuries or sorting through old emotions held in those areas.
This week I'm feeling optimistic! I'm proud of myself for having the stamina to keep on this path of lifestyle change I've decided to venture on. I love love love yoga! During my exploration of gentler yoga classes, I found a style that I REALLY like! It's called Yin Yoga. It's very restorative while getting deep deep stretches. I love that it focuses on aligning your meridians. It really fits lovely with my massage skills. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it. I'm going to try to add it to my schedule at least once a week!
Today is day 3 of no smoking. Yup. It's time to hit that up again. I'm excited. I've been waiting for that moment where I knew I was ready. Seeing as I've tried quitting and have quit before, I knew what worked and didn't work for me. I've gotta just have that feeling that I don't want to anymore and FINALLY that day came! Yay!! I'm excited because I really don't think my 1/2 marathon goal would be obtainable while smoking (even though I was having 1 or 2 a day). I'm excited to expand my lung capacity as well as just smell good ALL the time!
Mentally and emotionally I've been feeling good. I'm fairly aware that (if my cycle observations are correct) that I'm about in middle of my cycle. This usually translates to feeling "normal", upbeat, optimistic, goal oriented, energized. I've also been buying things like no tomorrow. Had to put the brakes on that! I still have impulses to buy buy buy though! I think my cycle started the last week of November which means the low should be hitting the last weeks of February and at the beginning of March. Part of the reason I chose to do the yoga 60 day challenge is that the end of it will be going on as I peak and start the down hill. Hopefully it will help me push through and keep active. Fingers crossed!
Pain Scale: 4
Day: 26
It's turning out to be a good week so far! Last week was a bit of a challenge. I had lots of body pain. Exchanged my usual hard core yoga classes for the gentle classes, but kept my running schedule the same. I think my body was healing old injuries or sorting through old emotions held in those areas.
This week I'm feeling optimistic! I'm proud of myself for having the stamina to keep on this path of lifestyle change I've decided to venture on. I love love love yoga! During my exploration of gentler yoga classes, I found a style that I REALLY like! It's called Yin Yoga. It's very restorative while getting deep deep stretches. I love that it focuses on aligning your meridians. It really fits lovely with my massage skills. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it. I'm going to try to add it to my schedule at least once a week!
Today is day 3 of no smoking. Yup. It's time to hit that up again. I'm excited. I've been waiting for that moment where I knew I was ready. Seeing as I've tried quitting and have quit before, I knew what worked and didn't work for me. I've gotta just have that feeling that I don't want to anymore and FINALLY that day came! Yay!! I'm excited because I really don't think my 1/2 marathon goal would be obtainable while smoking (even though I was having 1 or 2 a day). I'm excited to expand my lung capacity as well as just smell good ALL the time!
Mentally and emotionally I've been feeling good. I'm fairly aware that (if my cycle observations are correct) that I'm about in middle of my cycle. This usually translates to feeling "normal", upbeat, optimistic, goal oriented, energized. I've also been buying things like no tomorrow. Had to put the brakes on that! I still have impulses to buy buy buy though! I think my cycle started the last week of November which means the low should be hitting the last weeks of February and at the beginning of March. Part of the reason I chose to do the yoga 60 day challenge is that the end of it will be going on as I peak and start the down hill. Hopefully it will help me push through and keep active. Fingers crossed!
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Fucking Cancer
Mood: Sad
Pain Scale: 7
Day: 20
I finally got to see my boss yesterday. It was great but also really sad. :( He's on the down slope of lung cancer. I just wanted to breathe for him. I've never experienced watching someone close to me die and I have to say this really sucks!! When he talks, I just listen. I have no idea how to respond to some of the things he shares. I try and hold it together around him. Inside I'm crying.
I also work with his son and I can't imagine what he must be going through. He doesn't share much with me. Which makes me feel upset because I've been with my boss for 10 years. The family tends to keep me out of the loop. I'm starting to get used to it by now. It was a hard realization that I am NOT family, I'm just a "worker" and treated as such. I feel like so much more! It was just him and I in the office 5 days a week 40+ hours. That's a lot of time to spend with someone!
It's going to be a challenge during this time to keep my head up and use my new coping skills, but I knew that and signed up for it. There's no way in hell I want to use my old coping skills for this. Although I'm sure it's gonna hurt like hell in the brightest loudest way.
Pain Scale: 7
Day: 20
I finally got to see my boss yesterday. It was great but also really sad. :( He's on the down slope of lung cancer. I just wanted to breathe for him. I've never experienced watching someone close to me die and I have to say this really sucks!! When he talks, I just listen. I have no idea how to respond to some of the things he shares. I try and hold it together around him. Inside I'm crying.
I also work with his son and I can't imagine what he must be going through. He doesn't share much with me. Which makes me feel upset because I've been with my boss for 10 years. The family tends to keep me out of the loop. I'm starting to get used to it by now. It was a hard realization that I am NOT family, I'm just a "worker" and treated as such. I feel like so much more! It was just him and I in the office 5 days a week 40+ hours. That's a lot of time to spend with someone!
It's going to be a challenge during this time to keep my head up and use my new coping skills, but I knew that and signed up for it. There's no way in hell I want to use my old coping skills for this. Although I'm sure it's gonna hurt like hell in the brightest loudest way.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Mood: Exhausted
Pain Scale: 6
Day: 17
It seems my new workout schedule is causing by body to object. Arrrrrrg. I did my long run on Saturday, but I didn't make it to any yoga classes this weekend. I was sooooooo pooped after my run that I pretty much slept on and off until I had to meet up with my friends for an obligation that night. We went out to two bars and I'm happy to say I stuck with my no drinking! Whooot! I have no idea how I used to stay out till 2:30am on the weekends! I'm getting old. I did get to shake my ass which also lead to old people problems! My lower back is acting up now and it huuuuuurts! I'm hoping some gentle yoga classes will help, cause I got stuff to accomplish!!!
Just figured out that the J cheating anniversary is coming up which could be why I'm being plagued by thoughts of her. Trying to acknowledge them and let them go.
I can't wait for my court date for my drunk in public to come so I can be done and over with that! It's kinda looming over me. Let's get it over with already!!
Pain Scale: 6
Day: 17
It seems my new workout schedule is causing by body to object. Arrrrrrg. I did my long run on Saturday, but I didn't make it to any yoga classes this weekend. I was sooooooo pooped after my run that I pretty much slept on and off until I had to meet up with my friends for an obligation that night. We went out to two bars and I'm happy to say I stuck with my no drinking! Whooot! I have no idea how I used to stay out till 2:30am on the weekends! I'm getting old. I did get to shake my ass which also lead to old people problems! My lower back is acting up now and it huuuuuurts! I'm hoping some gentle yoga classes will help, cause I got stuff to accomplish!!!
Just figured out that the J cheating anniversary is coming up which could be why I'm being plagued by thoughts of her. Trying to acknowledge them and let them go.
I can't wait for my court date for my drunk in public to come so I can be done and over with that! It's kinda looming over me. Let's get it over with already!!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
J Dreams
Mood: Awake!!
Pain Scale: 4
Day: 15
Can't fall back to sleep after a dream about J. sigh. I can't wait for my mind to make peace with her. Lately when she shows up in a dream we are just saying hello or catching up. This time she was interested in sparking things up again. Kept showing me babies. She was also on a plane in some parts and there was a big house on some acreage. Trying to figure out what the heck my mind is trying to figure out. Any who, I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was plagued with memories and feelings. I used to never dream about her, but then again maybe it was because I was just passing out instead of dealing. I really wish she would just talk to me so I could process and close this shit!! I wonder if it ever goes away??
Reactions in my dream: I wasn't necessarily happy to see her. I was confused and weary. I didn't understand why she was contacting me after all this time. She was not nearby, she was flying around on a plane for most of it. I was grateful she was talking with me and had some hope way back in my mind.
I'm guessing that I hold some hope that she will contact me at some point in her life and I gather it would be when her relationship is over. I feel her partner is more of the reason she doesn't want contact with me. Well, I think that is the reasoning she uses not to contact me. I could be wrong. It's the only rationalization I can come to for just being written off after sharing 7 yrs together. I don't want to believe that she never really even cared about me. I just don't believe that. There's so many unanswered questions that just swirl in my mind becoming tsunamis when my imagination rumbles with answers of my own.
I started yoga last September. I'm really liking it. I'm concentrating on my practice in hopes it will also help me learn to let go and be in the moment more successfully. I've always loved yoga and would love to one day possibly be a yoga instructor. It has definitely helped me to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts without judging them. I never realized before that I try and change the way I am thinking or feeling. I've always been uncomfortable with feelings. It also helps me to recognize when I'm having negative self talk. Man, I can be such a bitch to myself!! Reminding myself to treat me as I would a friend has helped tons!!
I've chosen fitness as my new coping skill. I'm possibly overdoing it (like a true Aries), but so far so good I think. I started a 60 day yoga challenge. I'm on day 11. I am also starting my running back up. Training to do my first half marathon in June. This was my first week of both activities. So far my body is putting up somewhat of a fight. I gather that would be normal for anyone. Hopefully my body get's used to the new demands and doesn't try and poop out on me. I refuse to let it dictate what I'm capable of (to a degree). Fibro sucks ass!! Definitely not a fan.
This year is gonna be about self discovery. Good luck to me!! Having worked two jobs most my 20s and early 30s, I think I lost out on a lot of that self discovery time. I hardly had time to sleep!! This will be my second year of only working 40hrs a week. Damn, you have a lot of spare time when you're not working 60-70 hours!!
Pain Scale: 4
Day: 15
Can't fall back to sleep after a dream about J. sigh. I can't wait for my mind to make peace with her. Lately when she shows up in a dream we are just saying hello or catching up. This time she was interested in sparking things up again. Kept showing me babies. She was also on a plane in some parts and there was a big house on some acreage. Trying to figure out what the heck my mind is trying to figure out. Any who, I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was plagued with memories and feelings. I used to never dream about her, but then again maybe it was because I was just passing out instead of dealing. I really wish she would just talk to me so I could process and close this shit!! I wonder if it ever goes away??
Reactions in my dream: I wasn't necessarily happy to see her. I was confused and weary. I didn't understand why she was contacting me after all this time. She was not nearby, she was flying around on a plane for most of it. I was grateful she was talking with me and had some hope way back in my mind.
I'm guessing that I hold some hope that she will contact me at some point in her life and I gather it would be when her relationship is over. I feel her partner is more of the reason she doesn't want contact with me. Well, I think that is the reasoning she uses not to contact me. I could be wrong. It's the only rationalization I can come to for just being written off after sharing 7 yrs together. I don't want to believe that she never really even cared about me. I just don't believe that. There's so many unanswered questions that just swirl in my mind becoming tsunamis when my imagination rumbles with answers of my own.
I started yoga last September. I'm really liking it. I'm concentrating on my practice in hopes it will also help me learn to let go and be in the moment more successfully. I've always loved yoga and would love to one day possibly be a yoga instructor. It has definitely helped me to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts without judging them. I never realized before that I try and change the way I am thinking or feeling. I've always been uncomfortable with feelings. It also helps me to recognize when I'm having negative self talk. Man, I can be such a bitch to myself!! Reminding myself to treat me as I would a friend has helped tons!!
I've chosen fitness as my new coping skill. I'm possibly overdoing it (like a true Aries), but so far so good I think. I started a 60 day yoga challenge. I'm on day 11. I am also starting my running back up. Training to do my first half marathon in June. This was my first week of both activities. So far my body is putting up somewhat of a fight. I gather that would be normal for anyone. Hopefully my body get's used to the new demands and doesn't try and poop out on me. I refuse to let it dictate what I'm capable of (to a degree). Fibro sucks ass!! Definitely not a fan.
This year is gonna be about self discovery. Good luck to me!! Having worked two jobs most my 20s and early 30s, I think I lost out on a lot of that self discovery time. I hardly had time to sleep!! This will be my second year of only working 40hrs a week. Damn, you have a lot of spare time when you're not working 60-70 hours!!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Project Reintegration into the Living
Mood: grouchy
Pain Scale: 6
Day: 12
Time to jump back into regurgitating my thoughts and feelings for random strangers to find. Definitely needing an outlet for my chaotic thoughts since drinking to forget/suppress is no longer serving me. It's been a loooooooong couple of years (as you may be able to tell from my once a year updates).
Major 2011-2013 happenings:
Pain Scale: 6
Day: 12
Time to jump back into regurgitating my thoughts and feelings for random strangers to find. Definitely needing an outlet for my chaotic thoughts since drinking to forget/suppress is no longer serving me. It's been a loooooooong couple of years (as you may be able to tell from my once a year updates).
Major 2011-2013 happenings:
- Boss lung cancer
- KC breakup
- Moved to Capitola
- Closed biz
- Suicide attempt
- Moved to San Jose
- Bankruptcy
- Shaved my head
- Arrested for drunk in public
It's been pretty eventful to say the least!! I'm slowly...S.L.O.W.L.Y clawing my way out of what seemed to be a HUGE dark dark hole. I give myself a pat on the back for 2013. I think I did a pretty good job of changing gears and trying to change habits and thought patterns that were no longer serving me.
2013 Self Induced Changes:
- Started running (completed LOTS of 5ks and first 10k)
- Joined a Yoga studio and completed a 30 day Bikram challenge
- Started tracking my drinking
- Started tracking mood "cycle" (possibly bi-polar)
Those things definitely helped me out! I still had some really low times though and had periods of waaaaay too much drinking. I'm definitely proud of myself. I've gotten much better at accepting myself in the moment. Not berating myself for where I think I should be. I've had a hard time dealing with being single and 36. I feel like my dream of a "family" may not happen and that's been a hard pill to swallow. I've been working on trying to let go of that, but it's proven REALLY hard to do gracefully. I pretty much cry whenever I think about it. It's like having memories about someone you loved tons and tons who's just died. Social media doesn't help this at all either! All I see are weddings and kids on my feed! It's hard to find people my age who are NOT married and have no kids. And don't get me started on how the government and big business make it less expensive to be a family of four!! It's craziness I tell you!! I might have to start a single person revolution.
I definitely feel like I'm going through a re-birth of sorts. Maybe it's just that midlife crisis everyone jokes about! Shaved head, bankrupt and arrested! It's a good start to a midlife if I do say so myself. Definitely NOT the girl I used to be, that's for damn sure.
2014 Self Growth Plans:
- More running (complete a half marathon)
- More Yoga!!
- No drinking
- Adopt new coping skills for emotions
- Road trip across the US
- More mood "cycle" tracking
So far so good for 2014! I'm off to a good start. Let's see what happens...
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
Hey all!
It's been a looooong time since I posted. I figured it was a good time to start blogging again. For some reason it gives me solace. Even thought I hate writing in diaries since someone may read it, blogging always comforted me. Weird. I know. Since it's on the world wide web. Eh. I figure who's reading anyways.
I guess I should really start where it left off, but that was so long ago I'm not even sure where that was. So...KC my last partner decided to transition. In fact, that was all fine and dandy with me really. I have always liked the "in-betweenies". The problem for me lied in the fact that he could never really hold down a steady job. Therefore leaving me with having to support us both. Not ok in my book. I mean I gave it almost 3 years for him to get his shit together. So, we have separated. I pretty much kicked him out of the business, which he didn't really participate in on a regular basis anyway. I moved out and now I'm living with two other roomates and working my ASS off trying to get this business off the ground.
Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have my own business, but if I knew I was going to be doing it alone I would have gone about it in a whole different manner.
Major Key Updates:
Drinking
I believe my partner (ex-partner KC) is an alcoholic. In the beginning I tried to control it. That was of no use, so instead I decided to join her. Quite honestly those were the worst 12 months of my life. I have thrown so much away since that time. In my whole adult life, I have never let so many aspects of my life go to waste as those 12 months. It's crazy to think back about it now. I LOVE to party. I like the night life, I like having my wine on the weekends and having fun with friends. I often over indulge, but something about this girl made me forget about everything important. NEVER in my life have I not been able to pay my rent. With her....it was a struggle. I've been living on my own since 17 (I'm 35 now) and we had trouble paying our rent. I would always make sure I could at least pay my bills. For some reason she could rationalize why it was ok to sluff off our responsibilities and for some reason I would always give in to her reasons. I don't know. Maybe cause I wanted to believe it was true. That some how checks and money would magically appear like she stated. But in the end it was always ME holding the bag trying to keep it all together.
You know how they always say you repeat your mistakes until you actually learn them, well I think KC was part of that. For some reason I needed to learn AGAIN that being taken advantage of is NOT on my agenda. But for some reason I always seem to want to "help" my partner out to my own detriment. I truly tried to help her in so many ways along our journey to find a fabulous career or to build a business. What kills me is that he has soooo much family support to do whatever the fuck he wants and he just doesn't do it. He blindly told me they didn't want to help him. Cause "he was different". So, I invested tons of time and money to help him become what he always wanted to be. Guess what? NOTHING. AND his family still helps him. Part of me is so enraged about it. My family doesn't have the means to help me become what I want, I've never had anyone backing me and yet with all this help he can't fucking find a place in the world. Sorry, feeling a little jaded and used. It all goes back the to the J lesson. I always give more to someone else than myself.
*smoke break*
It's been a looooong time since I posted. I figured it was a good time to start blogging again. For some reason it gives me solace. Even thought I hate writing in diaries since someone may read it, blogging always comforted me. Weird. I know. Since it's on the world wide web. Eh. I figure who's reading anyways.
I guess I should really start where it left off, but that was so long ago I'm not even sure where that was. So...KC my last partner decided to transition. In fact, that was all fine and dandy with me really. I have always liked the "in-betweenies". The problem for me lied in the fact that he could never really hold down a steady job. Therefore leaving me with having to support us both. Not ok in my book. I mean I gave it almost 3 years for him to get his shit together. So, we have separated. I pretty much kicked him out of the business, which he didn't really participate in on a regular basis anyway. I moved out and now I'm living with two other roomates and working my ASS off trying to get this business off the ground.
Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have my own business, but if I knew I was going to be doing it alone I would have gone about it in a whole different manner.
Major Key Updates:
- Moved to the isolated Santa Cruz Mountains
- Partner starts transition from female to male
- Did Groupon with business
- Gave 90 day notice to my current job so I could do my Groupons
- Boss of previous job was diagnosed with lung cancer
- Stayed with previous job to help out my boss while he went through chemo and recovery
- Working 7 days a week
- Isolated Mountains were no good! Indulged in drinking and non working
- Ex (J if your following) started to reciprocate my contact
- Blew that contact cause I would get drunk and txt or call inappropriately
- Decided being sober was the way to go
- J blocked my calls/txt because of my drunk dialing habits
- Decided to leave my partner because of lack of support to get sober or help with healthy drinking habits
- Moved out and moved in with roommates near my place of business
- Got sober for a good 3 months
- Have been running the business on my own for 6 months
- Been going to counseling with partner to see where things would lead (read on to learn more)
- Started to occasionally drink again
Drinking
I believe my partner (ex-partner KC) is an alcoholic. In the beginning I tried to control it. That was of no use, so instead I decided to join her. Quite honestly those were the worst 12 months of my life. I have thrown so much away since that time. In my whole adult life, I have never let so many aspects of my life go to waste as those 12 months. It's crazy to think back about it now. I LOVE to party. I like the night life, I like having my wine on the weekends and having fun with friends. I often over indulge, but something about this girl made me forget about everything important. NEVER in my life have I not been able to pay my rent. With her....it was a struggle. I've been living on my own since 17 (I'm 35 now) and we had trouble paying our rent. I would always make sure I could at least pay my bills. For some reason she could rationalize why it was ok to sluff off our responsibilities and for some reason I would always give in to her reasons. I don't know. Maybe cause I wanted to believe it was true. That some how checks and money would magically appear like she stated. But in the end it was always ME holding the bag trying to keep it all together.
You know how they always say you repeat your mistakes until you actually learn them, well I think KC was part of that. For some reason I needed to learn AGAIN that being taken advantage of is NOT on my agenda. But for some reason I always seem to want to "help" my partner out to my own detriment. I truly tried to help her in so many ways along our journey to find a fabulous career or to build a business. What kills me is that he has soooo much family support to do whatever the fuck he wants and he just doesn't do it. He blindly told me they didn't want to help him. Cause "he was different". So, I invested tons of time and money to help him become what he always wanted to be. Guess what? NOTHING. AND his family still helps him. Part of me is so enraged about it. My family doesn't have the means to help me become what I want, I've never had anyone backing me and yet with all this help he can't fucking find a place in the world. Sorry, feeling a little jaded and used. It all goes back the to the J lesson. I always give more to someone else than myself.
*smoke break*
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