Pain Scale: 6
Day: 12
Time to jump back into regurgitating my thoughts and feelings for random strangers to find. Definitely needing an outlet for my chaotic thoughts since drinking to forget/suppress is no longer serving me. It's been a loooooooong couple of years (as you may be able to tell from my once a year updates).
Major 2011-2013 happenings:
- Boss lung cancer
- KC breakup
- Moved to Capitola
- Closed biz
- Suicide attempt
- Moved to San Jose
- Bankruptcy
- Shaved my head
- Arrested for drunk in public
It's been pretty eventful to say the least!! I'm slowly...S.L.O.W.L.Y clawing my way out of what seemed to be a HUGE dark dark hole. I give myself a pat on the back for 2013. I think I did a pretty good job of changing gears and trying to change habits and thought patterns that were no longer serving me.
2013 Self Induced Changes:
- Started running (completed LOTS of 5ks and first 10k)
- Joined a Yoga studio and completed a 30 day Bikram challenge
- Started tracking my drinking
- Started tracking mood "cycle" (possibly bi-polar)
Those things definitely helped me out! I still had some really low times though and had periods of waaaaay too much drinking. I'm definitely proud of myself. I've gotten much better at accepting myself in the moment. Not berating myself for where I think I should be. I've had a hard time dealing with being single and 36. I feel like my dream of a "family" may not happen and that's been a hard pill to swallow. I've been working on trying to let go of that, but it's proven REALLY hard to do gracefully. I pretty much cry whenever I think about it. It's like having memories about someone you loved tons and tons who's just died. Social media doesn't help this at all either! All I see are weddings and kids on my feed! It's hard to find people my age who are NOT married and have no kids. And don't get me started on how the government and big business make it less expensive to be a family of four!! It's craziness I tell you!! I might have to start a single person revolution.
I definitely feel like I'm going through a re-birth of sorts. Maybe it's just that midlife crisis everyone jokes about! Shaved head, bankrupt and arrested! It's a good start to a midlife if I do say so myself. Definitely NOT the girl I used to be, that's for damn sure.
2014 Self Growth Plans:
- More running (complete a half marathon)
- More Yoga!!
- No drinking
- Adopt new coping skills for emotions
- Road trip across the US
- More mood "cycle" tracking
So far so good for 2014! I'm off to a good start. Let's see what happens...
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