Hallo.

Are holiday snappies like the best thing ever you could ever possibly see on a blog ever?

MOST RHETORICAL QUESTION EVS SINCE MY LAST RHETORICAL QUESTION.

xoxo nora

PS "Chez Pope":

Travels with My Cunt

Sooooooooooo bros news from The Continent is that I am currently thinking of fashioning some kind of large firearms, possibly out of du mineral water, a frenchman and maybe a porcelaine figurine resembling a milkmaid avec un garcon seeing as that's the kind of material I have on hand right now. Sometimes I am truly thankful to Our Saviour that I am so fucking resourceful in an engineering/EXTREME VIOLENCE sense.

You see, facts are that while on holiday I have been PROVOKED by a KRAUT! Basically, it would take a long time (YEARS OF YOUR LIFE) to explain fully but the outline of the situation is that a VGermin has sent me an email suggesting that I am some kind of INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL/SLOB/CONWOMAN/CARMEN SANDIEGO.

"OMG, THE NERVE! LIKE, WHO WON THE ASHESWAR[Z], FUCKFACE!"

Exactly, dudes, like, FOR REALS. I almost wrote back suggesting that Mr Germanski "CLIMB UP AN ARSEHOLE FULL OF POOS" or something similarly poetic/concise, but after some consideration I decided that such words might be Hasty; this situation instead calls for quiet reflection, prayer and a polite response that will ensure that I will keep a firm handle on the Moral, Spiritual and also Legal Higher Ground,

AND ALSO THAT THE KRAUT HAS HIS FACE/TESTICLES BLOWN AWAY AND HIS CHILDREN SKEWERED FRIED AND EATEN BY SOME SWISS DUDES AS AN ACCOMPANIMENT TO RICE CRISPIES, SEVERAL LAGERS + MAYBE A POT OF FONDUE.


I have been in touch with the Australian Embassy indicating that I would appreciate their help in arranging the above, in basically the same words only WITH MORE CAPITALS, but all they could say was "WE SUGGEST YOU CONTACT RUSSIANS, PS CRIKEY WE LOVE VEGEMITE". Honestly WTF are embassies for if not to provide assistance in SKEWERING GERMAN CHILDREN.

I was briefly worried that this whole incident is turning me a little bit Racist, but thing is I am full of Hatred for Dudes and Laydeez of All Kinds, my misanthrophy does not discriminate on the basis of national boundaries, fingernail length, penchant for lederhosen etc, so according to my research I am pretty fucking confident that once this milkmaid gets put to work launching grenades/nuclear devices at the Germ, my actions will safely fall within the Geneva Convention/Declaration of Human Rights/International Laws of the Sea.

Also, like Jesus says, "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?"

"Is it next year/some time next week?"

I don't know bros, ask the fucking Germans.

xoxo nora

How to Improve Christmas in 5 Easy Steps!

1. Spend it 20,000 miles (or some such shit) away from anyone you are related to by blood.

2. Consume 20,000 champagne cocktails.

3. Kick it off with some delightful TV Christmas Specials, preferably all in German.















"Einer spittel liebe markt guten tag vow vow das ist fich dich doch selst, ya?"

4. Watch DVDs involving Mel Gibson at an earlier, handsomer, less antisemitic age.








"In a post-apocolyptic future, I will become quite ugly, quite drunk, and slag off the jews, and then I will make a fucking killing at the box office. Awesome."

5. Give The Dude a haircut.

ALWAYZ GUT FOR FUN TIMEZ.

xoxo nora

BRAIN OF RADIATION

Woah so am in place where everyone talk funny (EVEN THE CHILDS), wear nice shoes and is more cultured than fuck; I am 90-311% sure peeps here view me and The Dude as single cell organisms that live under sewerage pipes. Cannot stop speaking in Borat-esque Kazahkstani Accent, maybe this is sign that I am Central Asian at Heart\in DNA?

Sad to have left the Untied Stats, that place had more algorithms than nearly anywhere I have travelled [NOTE TO SELF: WHAT IS ALGORITHM]. But we is pleased to announce that diagnosis=STILL AWESOME.

Oh fuck, no time for Springer style Words of Fucking Awesome Wisdom of the Day as am apparently running out of air time, which cost about EURO 1 MILLION [AU$12389120983190283190284019284 approx]. To sum shit up, basically, how nice is old shit [HEAPS].

xoxo nora
PS wish u woz here 06!!!!!!!LOLZ!!!!!!!
PPS WTF

Then Absalom fled on a mule

For a few moments tonight I was under the impression that Bananarama had vowed to overthrow the Fiji government by noon tomorrow.

I was also under the impression that a woman had been busted performing indecent acts on a horse in northern NSW, and WORSE, that Samantha "Motherfucking" Brett was taking a stand against gender stereotypes; unfortunately in these cases there was no dyslexia afoot.

After such unsettling items, I thought I'd relax by spending some time checking out my favourite fashion related site, which totally responds to the need "for women and girls to return to principles of modesty and femininity — to truly dress like women of virtue and principle".

Some women of virtue and principle:



































"Fabric styles and patterns include denims, floral prints, mini prints, corduroy, flannels, plaids, checks and poly-cottons."

"AWESOME! I HEAR JESUS LOVES PLAIDS, CHECKS AND POLY-COTTONS."



If are not fully understanding of Modest Fashions, please refer to this site:
"Modesty for the women means to cover the body. There are clothing which cover the body, but are also immodest. Dresses that are too tight are immodest, even if they are a cape or a jumper.

"EVEN IF THEY ARE A CAPE OR A JUMPER? NO FUCKING WAY."

"I've always been blessed by sisters whose dresses were long. I think a safe guide is if they are at least half way between the ankle and the knee."

"OMG TELL ME ABOUT IT, MY SISTERS DRESS LIKE HOS. SOMETIMES EVEN IN TIGHT CAPES. WHAT AM I TO DO BUT FUCK THEM."

There is also some awesome advice on that site regarding wifely submission/curing of rebellious teenagers, basically way more wisdom than you could ever possibly imagine being all in the one place, with a lime green background colour.

"MORE WISDOM/LIME GREEN THAN I CAN HANDLE?"

Could be. Maybe best to just trawl for horse related porn instead.

xoxo nora

Feliz Navidad?

So I haven't been blogging much mainly because I have been way too fucking busy:
(1) watching cable tv; and
(2) catching buses with drug dealers.
My life is both full and fulfilling.

I now have less than a week left in lovely San Fran, which completely breaks my big gay heart. Speaking of which, we saw Evan Dando play last week; previously I have not been fond of him but that was before I realised he was "EXCRUCIATINGLY GOOD LOOKING"- full points for hotness, the man can wear bangs like nobody else.

EXHIBIT A:







Other shit that been tootling down the street round these parts includes seeing new work by Phil Collins................................NO NOT THAT PHIL COLLINS, "THIS ONE"...........................at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. Turkish kids doing Karaoke to The Smiths' album "The World Won't Listen" = fucking awesomeski.

In other breaking news, we have moved from our palatial apartment in The Hate and moved to a hotel room on the edge of the Tenderloin, which is also palatial if by "palatial" you mean "tinier than frog balls". The neighbourhood also is maybe a little down at heel, basically most of our interactions with locals go like this:

Random Homeless Dude: Yo man, Can you spare a dollar for a nigga jew?
Me + The Dude: No/Yes.
Random Homeless Dude: Fuck you motherfucker/How about two dollar.

Yeah I'm gonna miss this place; homeless dudes in Australia got nothing on their colleagues in the Greatest Nation on Earf.

I received my final results ever for "VILE DEGREE OF LAWS ETC" today; basically dudes at Law School were all like "WTF HOW CAN ONE WOMAN BE SO AWESOME/INSIGHTFUL ABOUT LEGAL ISSUES OF OUR TIME, ALSO THAT BITCH HAS ATTITUDE OF THE GODS". Those kids will be totally sad [suicidal?] to see me go [OBVIOUSLY], but not as sad as I will be to farewell the many [nb: "0"] beautiful friends I have made during my studies. When you are looking for Awesome Humans, I'm tellin you bros, look no further than your local Law Faculty; those places are total hotbeds of Sweetness, Humility & Goodwill of all Kinds.

"THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, CUNTFACES".

OK, The Dude & I have an appointment with America's Next Top Model/Similar High Quality Viewing, so will see you laters bros.

xoxo nora

FEEL THE WRATH OF THE BABY SEAL

This whole adorable animals on the fuckin rampage in the San Francisco Area is really messing with my head;

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK INTO THE MOTHERFUCKIN WATER, etc, latest monster =













"Hi everybody! My name is Pompom! I love spinning balls on my nose/killing your children!!"



Seriously bros, this is freaking me out.

xoxo nora

Terror Alert: Promiscuous Scarlet

WWIII "THE MOVIE"

SCENE ONE:

[Dude is chillin]

[Suddenly...]















Rat Of The Sky: "TAKE THAT, STINKEE LEETLE GROUND RAT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"

Dude: OMG, LOL, is it the apocalypse, this event was totally not scheduled in my blackberry, like basically, WTF dudes, etc.


SCENE TWO:

[Another town, same day...]

[Dude is chillin]

[suddenly...]









ROTS: I FEEL LIKE STINKEE LEETLE GROUND RAT TONIGHT! LIKE STINKEE LEETLE GROUND RAT TONIGHT!! AHAHAHAHAAA!!

Dude: [softly]Woah...like, Don't cry for me, Argentina...LOLZ...*dies*

SCENE THREE:






GB: Yo, Top Agent, I need yer t'git back here, like pronto. Dick says the Avians of Evil situation is getting 'Fucking Serious'.
















TOP AGENT: FUCK YOU GEORGE I'M ON HOLIDAY.

GB: FUCK YOU RIGHT BACKATCHA, TOP AGENT.[slams phone down]

[Cut to shot of TA running on beach, poss in bikini?]


SCENE FOUR:











ROTS: "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh."


SCENE FIVE











[Faure's Requiem plays while camera pans over ruined city]



SCENE SIX

[Somewhere in Asia...]














TA: (sings) As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive...

[Audience boos]

TA: Fuck this shit I'm getting back to work.


SCENE SEVEN

[TA has infiltrated Secret HQ of ROTS, We Built This City on Rock n Roll plays in background]











TA: Hey Brothers, Together we can work it out!

ROTS: [conferring] Dude seems reasonable.

TA: BTW do you think I resemble a young Kevin Federline in this outfit?

ROTS: LOLZ, TOTALLY RHETORICAL QUESTION BRO!!!

TA & ROTS: [High fives]


SCENE NINE










GB: We have struck a deal with the Terrorists!

ROTS: Together we can live in Perfect Harmony!

GB, Dick, ROTS & TA sing "We are the World" to fade; Sean Penn/Bono dance in background.












Bono: How awesome is like, world peace!!

SP: Like, totally!!!!!!!

SP & B: [High Fives]


THE END




[Credits Roll]












CODA





GB: Suckers.






K the script probably still needs some work but I think it shows promise.

xoxo nora

Halp us Jon Kery

"

WTF is this?"

I'll tell you WTF it is, bros. IT IS COLD HARD EVIDENCE OF AGGRESSIVE SQUIRRELS.









"Getcho Nigga Ass Outta My Motherfuckin Town Square, Yo, or I Blow U Up Like U Is One Fucked Up Exxxxxplodin Motherfuckin Acorn, YO!"







'











"Yo Kim Jong 'Totally' Ill, Please direct me to my next Human Target. Also, do I not resemble a middle aged Elizabeth Taylor in this outfit? [rhetorical question]"














"Dudes, our military products contain at least 5% Democracy and 13% Freedom=please desist with your tiresome complaints."


















"Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh."




For more Evidence please consult this site. In particular Squirrel tributes to Jon Benet Ramsay and Steve Irwin are especially Touching of The Heart/Inciting of EXTREME FEAR OF SQUIRRELS, although Possibly not quite as much as the memorial of Petra Nemcova during the Boxing Day Tsunami.

WTF.

xoxo nora

Bee Star Nirvana

Man, this last week or so has been pretty fucking exhausting. You might not be aware of what's been going down...........................................IF YOU LIVE IN A BEEHIVE, THAT IS, A BEEHIVE FULL OF SHIFTY FUCKING BEES WHO DON'T TELL YOU FUCK SHIT BECAUSE YOUR PARTICULAR FUCKING COMMUNE OF BEES HAS TOTALLY CUT ITSELF OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND YOUR GREAT QUEEN BEE IS PROBABLY AT THIS VERY SECOND PLANNING HER ASCENDANCE TO SOME FUCKING BEE STAR NIRVANA OR SOME SHIT BY ROUTE OF COERCIVE MASS SUICIDE/SACRIFICE OF VIRGINS/LAZY BEES ETC, LIKE I'M REFERRING TO MORE OF A CRAZY FUCKING 'CULT OF BEES' THAN YOUR MORE TRADITIONAL 'YEAH MAN LIVE AND LET LIVE BUT DON'T BOGART THAT REEFER BRO' STYLE OF 'HIVE', IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT, AND I THINK YOU DO. Anyhow guess my point is that unless you are in a Cult of Bees, you have no fucking excuse for not being aware that Late October is pretty much FESTIVITY SEASON with like 10 million of my favourite holidays basically exploding all over eachother like the products at Thrifty Car Rental's Baghdad Airport Division.

Things kicked off with the fucking molten hot "Austria Day" on October 26, followed up by a less ostentatious but still intensely happening "Czech Republic Day" (October 28), which as usual lead on to the Climactic Climax that is "Turkey Day" (October 29), I'm telling you it was pretty edgy shit bros, and like that's not even mentioning THE BIG ONE>i.e. October 27, which is of course Day of St Vincent and the Grenadines - AND NOT ONLY THAT SHIT MAN BUT ALSO TURKMENISTAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!! Only thing I love more than Turkmenistan Independence Day is Turkmenistan National Melon Day and Turkmenistan National Horse Day. That type of Good Times is almost too much fun for one puppy to gnaw at, I'm telling you right now.

Anyways plenty of dudes might have been discouraged from engaging in further Good Times after a week like that, but that's not me, man. So when it came to this 'Halloween' shit they were having here in the 'US and A' the other night, I totally decided to go to the Heart of the Action, i.e. WHERE THE GAYS ARE AT. So come Halloween me and The Dude stride down to The Castro, hoping for general extreme decadence/babylonian wild times etc. As it turns out there were like 2 million people there but HARDLY ANY GAYS. Fucked up shit, man, fucked up. Obviously The Gays were having a private party elsewhere, fucking sly cunts.

Anyway, the Castro made up for the Lack of Gays by fully providing a VERITABLE SMORGASBOARD OF COCKTARDS, a whole heap of MILLING ABOUT, and also a full quota of GUNFIGHT with bonus stabbings. By the time that shit was stirred up though, me and The Dude had retired to the safety of a Bar, where we drank a fucking freight train of these, then drank some more of them, and then when we went home I gave The Dude an Unbelievably Stellar Fucking Hair Cut with some paper scissors, which was all WELL AND GOOD until I woke up the next day feeling like this, only a lot worse...so basically with the benefit of hindsight/wisdom I should have just stayed for the gunfight, and maybe not had so much to drink. Guess you live and learn.

Anyways after a week like that today I had to sleep til midday then stare at some cats for a while. Totally soothing...hopefully I will be fully refreshed by the time my next Official Engagements wheel round - notably including Thanksgiving Day (Nov 23, Laos), President Tubman's Birthday Day (Nov 29, Liberia), Perioperative Nurse Week (Nov 12-18, USA), etc. Fuck, bros, I need a holiday (from holidays).

xoxo nora

The only thing different, the only thing new

Man when this blog gets turned into a big budget BBC Television Production ["critics are calling it 'Enchanting!' 'A sure fire Oscar Contender!' 'Hotter than Dancing with the Stars!'"], the episode covering Late October 2006 will probably be pretty slow going. I will try to attend to that problem right now with an update on all the most amazing things going down over the last few weeks:

1. OK biggest news of all is that The Dude did something I've been hinting at for him to do for like, 10 million years now, something extremely special and important and life changing and romantic and intense and...well, you know, like, the best thing a man can ever do for a woman.

Yep, I think you know what I'm getting at.

"Did The Dude perform unnatural sex acts with his meat gun, mister nora?"

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M GETTING AT. Jesus fucking christ, do I have to spell like EVERYTHING out???

"Maybe yes. Maybe no."

Man, do you kids play your cards close to your motherfucking chest or what.

Anyhow, point is:

THE DUDE BOUGHT US TICKETS TO MORRISSEY!

I am now in his debt for life, man. This is something money/blowjobs can never repay.


2. On a sadder note, I totally failed to get us tickets to the Jesus Alive Coffeehouse Open Mic Christian Talent Night; I have yet to break this to The Dude as he is often like a Hare with a Sore Bed in the mornings. Trust me you do not want to see his 'Operation: Shock and Awe' style of tantrums when his desire to go to Open Mic Christian Talent Nights gets thwarted.

3. We spent some time living on a golf course, which was pretty awesome/refreshingly free of golf.

4.The Dude and I found a really sweet pair of "Young Americans" and totally flummoxed them with a Single White Female style of Attack...it was pretty intense there for a while but to cut a long story short, we are now living in their cool Haight Ashbury apartment, reading their large collection of Classic/Quality Modern Fiction, leafing through their mail and mainly just hanging around jivin with their cats....Yeah when those poor bastards wake up in a Storage Container on a plane flying direct to Downtown Estonia or some such shit they aren't gonna know what hit em. Suckers.

5.My BBQU classmates, who I suspect were totally jealous of my success with skewers, marination and so on, spread the word that I am into Morrissey, leading to my early expulsion. I'm not too fussed, I mean like, whatever bro, that shit was too fucking esoteric for me anyways, like where was it ever going to get me in the Real World? I'm going to re-enroll in the School of Hard CocKnocks.

So basically, moral of the story is that Steve Raichlen can suck my fucking cock.

xoxo nora

Sometimes second best is all you're gonna get.

So homies in case you're wondering what's beening going down in da hood lately, basically round these parts its all "HEY JUDE, DON'T MAKE IT BAD", "YOU'RE MY CHERRY PIE, TASTE SO GOOD MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY", "SOME SAY LOVE IS LIKE A RIVER" etc.

I have been as busy as.....someone with not a whole lot to do.

Still, I'm not totally wasting my time. I have totally decided to use this sabbatical to TRANSFORM MYSELF, DEVELOP MY INNER PEACE, WATCH APPALLING TELEVISION, and basically, to LEARN HOW TO BE A WINNER, NOT A WHINER!!!.

You see, bros, according to Gary Simpson:



Winners attract people to them like bees around honey. They have infectious personalities. They stand out in a crowd. They are people to be reckoned with. They are dreamers, planners and achievers. Winners have conquests in their minds. They talk about opportunities, projects and the future. Winners smile.

Whiners repel people like a bad smell in a confined space. They have poisonous personalities. They too stand out in a crowd but for opposite reasons. They find it difficult to hold conversations because people find them tiresome. Whiners have conflict in their minds. They criticize, deride and ridicule others. Their favorite topics include rumor and innuendo. Whiners scowl.



According to Gary's categories my currently diagnosis is TOTAL WHINER. Evidence of this includes:
1. My doctor tells me my personality is more akin to Marfan's Syndrome than to the Black Plague, I.E. MORE HEREDITARY THAN INFECTIOUS.
2. MY FAVOURITE TOPICS ARE RUMOR [sic] AND INNUENDO.
3. I am scared of bees, I DON'T EVEN CARE FOR HONEY.



Luckily Gary has a totally dynamic and psychologically tested method for changing my appalling whining ways:



wear a small elastic band around your wrist. Whenever you say or think something disingenuous, uncomplimentary, rude, abusive, negative or self deprecating, stretch the elastic band out and let it sting your skin. You will find that after a while you will begin to change your ways.

"THAT SOUNDS HARD, GARY. MY WRIST IS GETTING BLOODIED AND RAW."





Then why don't you also purchase my snippets of Zenspirational Wisdom!!!

"MY HAND JUST FELL OFF, NOW I AM LEFT WITH A BLOODY STUMP."



There's a simple solution to that, mister nora! Put a small elastic band around your elbow...."

"I BETTER WIN CASH PRIZES FOR THIS, GARY."



How about a miniature bust of my head?"



"AWESOME!!!!!"


xoxo nora

BREAKING NEWS

"MOUNTAIN VIEW DECLARES WAR ON AGGRESSIVE SQUIRRELS."

My sources inform me the Squirrels are totally in cahoots with the "THE RATS OF THE SKY".

THIS IS WAR PEOPLES. WAR.

xoxo nora

Learning is a Lifelong Journey (of Beef)

So in case you have been concerned that what with my intense Vacationing Abroad/Viewing of Colon(ie)s Etc I have given up hope of bettering myself through the Pursuit of Heaps of Knowledge, I'm telling you now bros, DON'T BE AFRAID [OF THE STORM OR INDEED OF MISCELLANEOUS OTHER THINGS INCLUDING SHEEP/CHICKENS/LEATHER BROGUES/LICE/ETC].

I have lately enrolled myself at none other than the Highly Esteemed 'Steven Raichlen's BBQ University'. This place is the shit, I have totally learned more than I ever thought I could about barbequing of all kinds. Favourite classes so far include "402: The New Face of Beef" and "408: Extreme Grilling" (100% more awesome/life threatening than Regular Grilling, I am not kidding).

I can hear you ask, "HOW DID YOU FIND THIS SHIT, YOU ARE ONE RESOURCEFUL MOTHERFUCKING LADY OF THE KNOWLEDGE". Well, yes I am. You see, on the Television yesterday I learned that Steven is One of The Most Trusted Faces in Barbequeing in America, due to his many "Firey Recipes" as well as his "luxurient facial hair." Right away I knew I was on to something AWESOME so I signed up at his BBQU Straight Off, i.e. without a second to waste.

Today I joined the Poultry and Game Sorority at BBQU which has involved certain amounts of Consumption of Chickens/Sexual Humiliation, but it has totally been worth it because once I graduate (current estimate: 3.2 weeks/several years) I am going to invite all my Sorority Sisters over for the Sensational Graduational Thanksiving BBQ of none other than mister nora BA (Hons) LLB (Hons) BBBQ (Poultries) 34EE (Tits)*. We can all stoke our BBQs and stroke our beards (facial) together: it will be like those infamous KFC Christmas Parties of the 1980s, only heaps more Educated/hairy. Steven Raichlen will obviously be the Guest of Honour; I am considering requesting he perform his special secret Vegetarian Spit Roast Dish, but first I will need to find a reliable Kosher Vegetarian Slaughterhouse, there are many Jews in my sorority (I will look in my Lonely Planet for listings and keep you Updated on Developments of All Kinds).

Tomorrow I learn about "BBQ From Soup to Nuts". My life is being enriched in more ways than I can count (i.e. over seven) and I highly recommend you purchase the DVD .

xoxox nora
* Tits not guaranteed.

Are you going to San Francisco?

Cos I recommend it; it's got Television/stately dudes requesting monetary gifts on the sidewalk/etc/basically everything you could ever need. Last night a chubby teen walked by offering "spankings for a dollar! spankings for a dollar!"; I told her she needed to join a union and she spanked me (free!)...I am clearly in the spiritual home of the Free Market, have to watch out not to express my communist leanings/Desire to Emancipate the Common Worker from the Chains of Capitalism Through a Combination of Peaceful Sit-Ins and Large Scale Guerilla Violence etc. On the plane they made me fill in a form which asked various salient questions along the lines of "Are you seeking to enter the United States for the purposes of commiting terrorist activities or activities involving moral turpitude?" and "Are you on the run from the International War Crimes Tribunal?" and "Are you carrying any mould species/mushrooms?" and "How do you get your hair to look so voluminous and shiny all at the same time?" and "Is that a Fox in Your Pants or are you just Happy to See me?" and so on. Anyway, point is they clearly have a HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED method of sniffing out reds/towelheads (ie STEP ONE ask dudes if they are red/towelheads STEP TWO if they say yes, get out bazookas etc") so I am feeling a bit nervous cos I voted for Steve Bracks and he is both LEFT LEANING and OF LEBO DESCENT. I FEEL LIKE BONNIE & CLYDE (with less Clyde).

I'm here for a while, kind of sans innerned so will probably not be posting very regular or nothin. But I'm trying to take note of Colourful Locals and keep my eye out for Amusing Anecdotes so I can return and publish a bestselling type collection of Meaningful Travel Experiences/Personal Awakenings/Erotic Adventures/Descriptions of Various Dental Equipments of the World and so on. Basically I will be the next Bill Bryson only probably with more "WHAT UP MOTHERFUCKER" type dialogue and I will try to be more embracing of Racist Generalisations, because who doesn't love a Racist Generalisation?? (clue: "no one")

Ok so news from the California is that:
- the "World News" on the ABC network does not run any stories about anywhere except America; meaning that IT DIDN'T EVEN COVER THE AFL FINALS/TRAFFIC CONDITIONS ON THE MONASH FREEWAY, making me think Channel 10's News at 5 with Saucy Helen Kapalos is clearly a finer purveyor of "Actual News" than any of the product they develop over here.
- dudes here are obsessed with a) traffic conditions (HOW IRONIC! [see above]) and b)toned athletic bodies, meaning that I am obviously a huge hit what with my sculpted abs/toll-free 12 lane freeway.
- dudes here CANNOT GET ENOUGH of my Steve Irwin impersonation
- The Dude has an even better impersonation along the lines of "CRIKEY IT'S A FUCKEN STING--."
- dudes here were not fucking kidding - Arnold Schwarzenegger REALLY IS the governator!!!!!!

Do you see how well I am soaking up local traditions/quirky cultural characteristics. IT'S LIKE I AM KOFI ANNAN.

"WTF are you talking about, bitch?"

I don't really know, but surely that is all part of my kooky freewheelin charm.

"No."

Noted.

xoxoxox nora

An Inconvenient Tooth

Man, lately I’m just feeling too fucking happy to blog…What is up with that, and is there some kind of anti-anti-depressant I can take for this shit? [“nurse, please get me to a psychiatric hospital ASAP, I can no longer cope with this terrible joy that blows through my soul like a sharp blast of wind from a frozen tundra, destroying all in its path”]. [Do you like how I can even complain about having nothing to complain about? THESE ARE SOME SERIOUS TECHNICAL SKILLS YOU ARE WITNESSING HERE, DUDES]

Incidentally, I have recently discovered that my house, aka the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth, is actually a “Tundra.” The first inkling of l occurred to me when I read on this site that a tundra is “the coldest of all the biomes.” [FOR REAL? THAT SHIT IS TOTALLY COLDER THAN ALL THE OTHER BIOMES? UNBELIEVABLE!!]

My suspicions were fully confirmed when I went on to read that the Tundra “is noted for its frost-molded landscapes, extremely low temperatures, little precipitation, poor nutrients, and short growing seasons. Dead organic material functions as a nutrient pool.” READ BETWEEN THE LINES DUDES: I AM LIVING IN A MOTHERFUCKING TUNDRA!!

Let me elaborate:

“Characteristics of Tundra/mister nora’s house:
1. Extremely cold climate
2. Low biotic diversity
3. Simple vegetation structure
4. Limitation of drainage
5. Short season of growth and reproduction
6. Energy and nutrients in the form of dead organic material
7. Large population oscillations “

CASE CLOSED.

I’m just not sure if my house is an Arctic Tundra, or an Alpine Tundra. See, the fact that “a layer of permanently frozen subsoil called permafrost exists, consisting mostly of gravel and finer material. When water saturates the upper surface, bogs and ponds form, providing moisture for plants” suggests that the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth is totally Artic in its Tundraness. However, this morning as I was getting dressed for work I noticed a kind of large number of pikas, marmots, mountain goats, sheep, elk, grouselike birds, springtails, beetles, grasshoppers, and butterflies just like, wandering around in the laundry, which made me think hold on, baby, AM I ACTUALLY LIVING IN AN ALPINE TUNDRA? THIS IS INDEED AN ECOLOGICAL DILEMMA, WHERE IS AN ATTENBOROUGH WHEN YOU NEED ONE.

I suspect this conundrum may only be solved by an alchemy textbook and maybe some vodka cruisers. I will get to work.

xoxo nora

the young and the pestilent

As if my life weren't exxciting nuff already, last weekend I was out on the turps having a pretty weird night generally [at my local bar there was a woman in an fat suit and a barmaid with a pinada on her head>crazy times afoot] and, when the local bar closed, we were booted on the next bar, and so there we were slouching around HAPPILY DOWNING HAPPY BEER when my baby pointed out a dude in a glowing white suit with a glowing white head just a few stops down the bar.

Was it the Bundy bear>NO!

Was it Gandalf> NO MAN, WAS BETTER THAN THAT!

WAS IT BILL MOTHERFUCKING HUNTER>

...

woah brother, how did you guess that? DO WE HHAVE SOME ESP CONNECTION/ARE WE IDENTICAL TWINS?



Anway...Bill motherfuckin Hunter!




So there's no real point to this post 'cept to demonstrate how extremely fuckoed my brain is at the moment with a pointless story about Bill Hunter featuring a pinada>i.e. pretty fuckoed.

normal service will resume shortly.....unless i have done myself some permanent damadagio/acquired brain injury etc. Or unless my brain has finally cracked it with my whoring/drinking/violence and has moved back in with its parents.


[Man, you know I love you brainy. Please come back. I promise I will treat you good this time.]


xoxo nora

My name is mister nora, and I have a photo booth problem.

Surely there is some kind of helpline for this shit.


xooxoxo nora

I don't.

So me and The Dude are going to this wedding in a few weeks (I struggle to say ‘The Dude & I’; makes me think of ‘The King & I’ and I totally do not wish to attend a wedding with Elvis P, basically cos I don’t like to hang out with dudes who have bigger hair than I do, also apparently he is totally “dead”! So not hot.). The wedding thing is pretty hardcore; The Dude has to give a speech, and I have to sit around and get hammered. Man, my life is so hard sometimes.

Anyhow, no offence to the hitched/hitching types amongst you, but I really don’t understand why anyone gets married in the first place. I can only think of reasons why NOT to get married, e.g.:

1. Princess Diana got married and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

2. If you take the “i” out of “married”, you get “marred”, as in “MY LIFE WAS FOREVER MARRED BY MY TERRIBLE UNION TO A TEETOTALLING ACCOUNTANT.”

COINCIDENCE? I think not, my brothers.

3. If you take the M, A, R, R, & I out of “married” and replace those letters with D, I, S, E, M, B, O, W, E, & L, you get DISEMBOWELED, as in “I HAVE JUST DISEMBOWELED THE NON-DRINKING BEAN COUNTER, I THINK YOU WILL AGREE HE DESERVED IT.”

COINCIDENCE? I think you already know what I think, my brothers.

4. White dresses remind me of Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman reminds me of murder/suicide.

5. The thought of having to insert “my husband and I” into sentences makes me kind of queasy, e.g. “Yes, ho ho ho, that’s truly quite amusing. Reminds me of that time in ‘64 when my husband and I were in Portsea at Fee’s little holiday pad, and our darling little dog Maxwell, god bless his poor departed soul, kept humping the neighbour’s rabbit! Ho ho ho! Little fiend! And you know I found out later my husband was humping the neighbour! And Maxwell too! And the Rabbit! Oh ho ho ho! No wonder the poor little thing was confused! Ah, Portsea. Those were indeed the days. Would you pass the binoculars? Thank you, thank you my dear, very kind.”

6. Sin is a totally cutting edge place to be living in; in fact it is almost as cool as Northcote (I said almost). Marriage, on the other hand, is more akin to Burwood, and dude, really, who wants to live in Burwood.

7. If you want to trap someone into loving you 4 evs, I say try being lovable. Pretty crazy, I know, but according to recent ABS figures this works way better than a voidable contract. Otherwise you could do what I do and just beat your partner into submission [nb slightly illegal, but on the plus side, cheaper than a wedding].

8. If me and The Dude got married, he would have to change his name to “missus nora” & I suspect he would not be fully down with that.

9. I am quite sure any sprogs I have will be complete bastards, otherwise it just won’t seem right.

10. Britney Spears got married, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.


If you ask me, that’s ten pretty solid reasons to baulk down the aisle.

xoxo nora

Whiskers on kittens

Officially finished Studying the Knowledge yesterday...there goes the most ambivalent motherfuckin law degree ever completed. I only really started that shit as some kind of elaborate joke, but the moment I enrolled it was like I'd accidentally boarded one of those really long moving walkways at the airport which was going in totally the wrong direction, and I wanted to get off like straight away but there were all these dudes me hustling me forward and so was just trapped there until the end of the ride, only the ride took like 6 million years. I have always had a fucking shit sense of direction; next time I will TAKE A FUCKING MAP OF THE AIRPORT. Maybe I will just take the fucking train. Or a boat. I am really fond of boats. I mean what was I doing at the airport anyhow, I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE FUCKING BOAT TO BEGIN WITH.

Anyhow, so handed the thesis in, have not stopped internal fireworks of celebration since. My inner world looks pretty much like the sky above the Eiffel Tower on new years eve, only heaps more festive than that. Its like I am bathing in a giant martini glass full of good vibes/party drugs/circus performers, like if my emotional state were a TV show it would be called "DIAGNOSIS: AWESOME".

I am so happy that I spent today cleaning the house, and ENJOYED IT. I didn't so much enjoy getting Ajax Exit Mould in my eye, that will not feature on Top 10 Memories of 5 September 2006. Still, I was pretty tough, I just splashed some water around, took out my contact lens and continued destroying the dense forest of various rare moulds/funghi that The Dude and I have been cultivating in the bathroom as some kind of beautiful homage to Mother Nature. Later on The Dude read the back of the AJax packet which goes "IF YOU GET THIS SHIT IN YOUR EYE YOU WILL PROBABLY GO BLIND AND/OR DIE, GO TO HOSPITAL YOU CLUMSY FUCKING MORON", and insisted I went to The Doctor. Man I hate The Doctor; least this one didn't poke me with needles/question me regarding my drinking habit etc, he just examined my eyeball and told me to fuck off. So basically, diagnosis: not blind and/or dead, i.e. AWESOME.

xoxo nora

Nightmares in Northcote

World has gone fucking loopy: have been offered ANOTHER JOB. Dear jesus why does everyone want to employ me allofasudden, can't they just leave me in peace to play web based sudoku/read horse magazies/write poems about forks?

Also - GET THIS: apparently 'full time' means every day of the week [except Sat/Sun]...like, WTF?? Are these law dudes on some kind of methamphetamine habit/how can they expect me to be awake so often? Is it too early for an early-mid life crisis, WHERE IS A BLONDE BABE IN A CONVERTIBLE WHEN YOU NEED ONE. FUCK. As if my body is not fucked enough what with all the martinis/red wine, now I am also going to have to get up before midday/wear shoes without holes in them, OMG its like I'm suddenly World President, ONLY HARDER/MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT.

At the moment I have accepted both jobs ["GOD YES I'D LOVE TO WORK FOR YOU AND YOUR FANTASTIC COMMITMENT OF TEAMED PEOPLES, WHEN CAN I START/HOW EARLY CAN I GET UP/I CANNOT BEAR THIS TERRIBLE LIFE OF LEISURE, IDLENESS MAKES ME NAUSEOUS/CAUSES CANCER"] so come Monday I am going to have to call someone up and break their hardened little Human Resources heart. Or else I could just try working 2 full time jobs next year, how hard could that be? NOT NEARLY FUCKING HARD ENOUGH FOR THE LIKES OF MISTER NORA!* THE ONLY THING MORE FUN THAN WORKING 2 FULLTIME JOBS WOULD BE WORKING 223 FULLTIME JOBS, THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY AWESOME, WHERE DO I SIGN UP.

*[Now I have been welcomed to the World of Employment I feel I am fully justified in referring to myself in the 3rd person, also the 4th, 5th 6th etc.]

[I think I'm taking this capitalisation thing too far, maybe I should just make everything bold and utilise more exclamation marks to underline my intense excitement about this whole situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED I COULD ALMOST DIE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN FACT I AM SO EXCITED WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


XOXO NORA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Medical emergency/how I learned to stop worrying and love the Kid.

Today I visited the doctor so she could protect me from Asians, who are apparently keen to infect me will all variety of hepatitises. Originally I was like, "fuck that shit man, I'm no racist!" but the doctor was all like "lady, do you really want to end up a skanky hepatitoid like Pam Anderson? Do you want to spend your disease ridden days hawking M&Ms and your disease ridden nights blowing Kid Rock??" and I was all like "WTF have you been reading my diary" and she was like "well ok so Kid Rock is totally hot, but what about the liver damage?" and I was like "have you been looking in my recycle bin? I swear The Dude drinks more than I do" and she was like "just put out your fucking arm and let me inject you; how will I buy a porsche/large Alphington residence if I spend all day talking to mongoloids like you, fucking time waster" and I was like "I knew you were racist!" and she was like "some of my best friends are mongoloids" and I was like "whatever" and then she injected me.

K I should probably confess I am scared of injections. It's possible that after she jabbed me I may have cried like a little boy/Bob Hawke. It's kind of humiliating, but at least it keeps me off smack.

I am also scared of wasps, priests, and people who don't drink. Is there a name for this condition? I would ask the doctor but I am afraid she will try to fix me with an injection/racist slur.

xoxo nora

Is this some kind of joke/am I on candid camera?

Brace yourselves, dudes, I have some pretty fucked up news.


I had a phone call this morning from this lady who goes, "so, mister nora, how did you feel your job interview with 'Miscellaneous Professional Workplace' went last week?"

I said "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Good?"

She said: "Did the position sound interesting?"

I said, "Ummmmmmmmmmmm. Yes?"

She said, "Well, we'd like to offer you the job!"

I said: "[shocked pause]............that's..... great?"


Apparently using phrases such as "I work with a team of committed, fantastic people" then kind of starting to giggle in the midst of a job interview really pays off.

This turn of events is remarkable to the point of UNBELIEVABLE, also a little bit HILARIOUS and kind of CONCERNING.


And fuck man, I was soooo looking forward to spending next year lolling about in the manner of a Paxton, pulling bongs & watching Springer all day. HOW DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS MESS????????????

xoxo nora

101 Damnations

So the big news round these parts is that come September, me and The Dude are going to split for a few months to drink from the cultural vanilla thickshake that is North America, & then when winter comes we plan to get frostbite in Europe & after that it's on the cards that we'll get our frost unbitten in the sweaty climes of Asia. So basically the World is our Oyster, etc, except I don't eat Oysters so I guess the World is my Tofu-based Meat Substitute.

Even though I am aged and worldly (not only did I grow up in the hotbed of sin and sophistication that is Country Victoria, I have also travelled widely, like in my time I've seen the sights of everywhere from Geelong to Colac, and once I even visited Pascoe Vale South[FOR REALS, I AM TOTALLY NOT EXAGGERATING HERE])...anyway even DESPITE all this aged worldliness, I am quite excited.

I know many of you will be asking "why the fuck would she bother going anywhere else when she's currently enjoying the sweet life just 10 minutes walk away from all the delirious delights that Northcote Plaza has to offer, god that mister nora is a stupid fucking cuntbag" and so on, and I do see your point. However EVEN THOUGH I am clearly living in the Closest Thing to Heaven on Earth (if by "Heaven" you mean "Thornbury" and/or "Clifton Hill") I still fancy the idea of broadening my horizons, if only so I can visit shit like the Getty Centre in LA and go "Yeah like it's okay for what it is, I guess, but it's no Doncaster Shoppingtown." Absence makes the heart grow abscesses, or whatever.

What was the point of this? Oh yes.

HOW AM I EXPECTED TO STUDY WHEN I HAVE KRISPY KREME DONUTS/ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER/KUM N GO PETROL STATIONS/BAGUETTES/THE POPE/COMEDIC GERMAN ACCENTS/COCONUT BASED DISHES/CHILD PROSTITUTES/POTENTIAL EARLY DEATH IN TERRORIST PLANE HIJACKINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO?

I AM SQUIRMING WITH EXCITEMENT LIKE A BAG OF ANTS.

CAN I PLEASE NOW DROP OUT OF MY LAW DEGREE NOW PLEASE, THAT WOULD BE SUPER.

KTHNXBYE.

xoxo nora

Seven Dwarves = ROYAL FEAST!

So apparently Pluto is no longer a planet , it’s just a little dwarf planet.

If I were a dwarf person I would be pretty fucking pissed off about this turn of events; like does this mean dwarves are not actually people? Personally I have always suspected they were not of our species and should be farmed like pigs and harvested for their internal organs. We could also make like little leather gloves/small briefcases out of their skins and maybe could carve up their thighs into juicy dwarf loin chops for Sunday lunch with nan... man, there’s just so much you could do, I’m seeing a major boost for agriculture.

Unfortunately when I suggested this to Parliament the dudes from the Equal Opportunity Commission were all like “DOWN WITH THE NAZI” and I was like, “Woah, chill, man, sure it sounds extreme but have you ever eaten Dwarfy Bits? Fucking delicious, totally justifying of caging the fat little fuckers and eating them for breakfast/in sandwiches.”

[Of course, I’m not totally heartless. If any of them befriended a spider or some such shit that advocated passionately for their survival, I guess we could let those ones live. (Maybe as domestic pets?) ]

Anyhow this whole ground breaking policy has not so far received bipartisan support from our vision-free politicians, but I think with the whole Pluto “not a planet” business, things might be looking up for the Dwarf Harvesting Industry. Remember, kids, you heard it here first.

xoxo nora

PS BREAKING NEWS: according to my sources, Pluto is also no longer a cartoon dog. He is just an overgrown rat.

That Pluto has deceived us on many levels. That’s some fucked up shit, man. Fucked up shit.



PPS This is my 100th post, and I must say I'm quite proud of my perseverance in the face of obscurity.

I lay a little bear for two.

I'm fuck busy right now, cos apparently I have to hand in this thesis claptrapbap in 10 days or some such shit (CRAZY TALK!). Nevertheless this week I have managed to>

- go to two (2) job interviews where I had to wear a highly uptight suit-type costume, pretend I care about The Poors/Ethnics/Gays/etc and use the phrase "I really enjoy working with a team of fantastic, committed people"; I think I am going to hell for this rape of language/appalling lie (tho I think I may already have had a booking there what with all the swearing, masturbation, violence to children etc). Also, during one interview I started laughing at my own stupid fucking response to their stupid fucking question while they looked at me curiously like I was some weird wriggling soot-covered mole from deep within the earth - do you think I will be hired? I forgot to sing "Eye of the Tiger" as I walked in the room so statistically speaking I think it's very unlikely.

- attend one (1) literary part-ay as part of Melbourne Writers Week. Had awesome time, drank heavily (BAR TAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and ranted on boringly to whoever I could sink my drunken (sooty) claws into. Man I do get passionate about all sorts of inane shit when I'm drinking (maybe I should drink [more] before job interviews).

- have a row with The Dude at Souvlaki King (and they say romance is deaf!)

- wake up to a MASSIVE HEADACHE/small quanity of shame.

How do I fit it all in? Amazing. I should write a book on time management for alcoholics/the unemployed (is this Pulitzer Material? Possibly EVEN MORE SO than this blog!) (HAHAHA! as if that were possible!!).


xoxo nora

What Not To Wear, LOLZ!!!!!

This season you should totally not be seen dead or alive or half-dead or brain dead or comatose or buried or shipped out to sea or MIA or AWOL or on the back of a milk carton or in an Archibald prize winning portrait or awash with ennui or ridden with herpes or even a little bit cremated (LOLZ!!!) while wearing the following items:

1. Samantha Brett

Author of "luv n txt" and Sydney Morning Herald Blogger, here is a sample of her work:

Getting a man to propose is hard to do. But what if you've been
dating him for what seems like an eternity, yet the bloke still just won't
budge? Is there a way to get him to propose without begging, bitching and
backstabbing your way in like a premature desperate housewife? And, is it
ever okay for the females do the asking?

She also has totally fucked up grammar, and as you can see from my blog I AM COMPLETELY FUCKING ENRAGING OF BAD GRAMMARS.

So dudes, next time you're thinking of donning a pair of Samantha Brett eyeballs, think twice; they only come in size"HEY SAM YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING DEADCUNT WHY DONT YOU CALL YOUR STUPID FUCKING BLOG 'WELCOME TO COCKSTOWN' THEN INVITE ALL YOUR STUPID FUCKING FRIENDS TO THE SAMANTHA COCKSTOWN MASSACRE LIKE PRONTO YOU FUCKING VENEREALLY DISEASED MOTHERFUCKING TARDCUNTED FUCKWIT. APART FROM THAT, TOTALLY LOVE YOUR WORK!! LOLZ!! LOVE FROM MISTER NORA, NORTHCOTE, VIC. XOXOXO PS LOLZ IS IT EVER OKAY/LEGAL FOR FEMALES TO RAPE THEIR HUSBANDS? HAHA LOLZERYTHMS!!! KTHNXBYE. "



2. The Dude's meat gun.





"Yo, mister nora, is this the meat gun you're talking about?"










No, man, that's not the meat gun I'm talking about.

Anyway, The Dude can wear his meat gun around because he is 10-15 years ahead of fashion with little to no chance of parole. But it's probably not advisable for the likes of you and I. (Unless you are Kate Moss, that hotbabe can get away with anything. Also, if you are Kate Moss: PETE DOHERTY? LOLZAPALOOLZA!!!!!!!!#*%!!!!!1)

I'll try to post pictures laters but right now you'll have to content yerselves with the meat hat.

THOSE DUDES HAVE BEEN STUDYING THEIR LOLZZZOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!


3. These outfits


LOLZ IZ IN DA HAUS!!!!!!!!!


xoxo nora
















PS JESUS LOLZ YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!1

I don't know much about art, but I know what I like.

So I was going to post a picture of a Garlic sucking off a Lime while getting sodomised by a Date with a Sweet Potato looking on, but then I thought 'hey, mister nora, you totally do not want to offend Steve Fielding! Steven is your core constituency! Also, HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR JESUS/ORDINARY HUMAN DECENCY?', so I decided to stick with some clean family shots.





















Ma and Pa


















The kids - L to R, Fred, Ernesto, and Javier.















Oh fuck it.

















Fred, Ernesto and Javier fucking in the kitchen; George Clinton in the background.

















Ernesto examines Javier; Fred stands in left of shot; Pa and George Clinton in the background.




You know, sometimes I worry this blog intimidates people, what with all the high culture and fierce intellectual debate.

xoxo nora

Mental wellness test results

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


xoxo nora

Stealing pies.

Hee hee.

Some things that are excellent about today include:

- I had a walk in the park, which was a total walk in the park. Next item on schedule: taking candy from a baby?

- Diet dry ginger ale; as delicious as a drink can get when it has 0% alcohol content.

- The pussycats are reenacting the Jonestown Cat Massacre in front of the Conray.

- Have once again failed to secure a proper job, meaning I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK!

- Despite my many flaws, I am still not a Young Liberal.

- This guy is looking for a girlfriend. So is this guy. And this guy. Not to mention this guy. Fuck I love personal ads.

- I've yet to do a scrap of work.

xoxo nora

The world won't glisten.

Motherfuck I am feeling fucked in the head area today. The American blew in and out of town, and as usual it was a bit like a collision with a pint sized truck (of fun),...y'know, like it's a good time, but it leaves me sort of in need of minor orthopedic surgery. This is not really uncommon I guess; I have only realised just lately that all my friends are a bit* crazy in the brain...and that I like them that way. WHAT COULD BE MORE BORING THAN THE MENTALLY STABLE.

On Sunday we were up in the kitchen drinking VERY FANCY WINE FROM BOTTLES until 5.30 in the morning (we are consummate hosts, you know) which lead to me getting to work still kind of drunk, and although that's probably not totally ideal professionally speaking, I still think it's an awesome way to begin the week.

Today involved, amongst other things, a visit to a cemetary, a drive to the airport, a moment of extreme panic and also a meal at Norflands Pancake Parlour (yes, my brothers, if you want glamour and sophistication, you are totally reading the right blog). I had a nice moment of supreme love at Pancakesville (which is fully the most disturbing aesthetic experience I've had since I last looked in the mirror while fucked off my nut on acid) when The Dude gave me both the marshmallows from his hot chocolate. Reminded me of why I adore him so much (BECAUSE THE DUDE IS TOO COOL/ADULT FOR MARSHMALLOWS).

Here's a picture our beautiful friend Meegy took of me and The Dude sharing a moment earlier this year:














"Brother, can you spare a dime?"

Is that picture seething with sexual tension or what.

xoxo nora
*i.e. a lot

So I know how hard I gotta work it.

Last night I worked late at the shop where I flog product to fancy customers while calling them "cuntycuntycunts" under my breath. It was kind of busy and I had to deal with some real narky fuckers, dear god was I ready for a drink affer it was all oves. Only thing was, the tramp I was supposed to be drinking with had pulled a sicky, and The Dude was out in the 'burbs at some Part-ay for Rich Professionals (NB obviously The Dude was there as a spy/fraud rather than as a Rich Professional; lately The Dude spends all his days lounging about the house drinking rum and reading Who Weekly cover to cover; as far as I can tell, this does not make him Rich or Professional). Anyway, point is that my darling co-conspirator in crime and alcoholism was Not Available, and so I headed back to the Slovenly Pit of Mutual Filth all alone. Aw.

Lucky for me, I'm pretty able when it comes to "making my own fun" - comes from being neglected as a child according to my therapist. So to cut a long story sideways, when The Dude came home a few hours later he found me in the kitchen with my friend the Newly-Empty Cask of Red, having quite a party of my own. There was music, there was drinking, there was dancing: only thing missing was BoringChitChatWithPeopleYouWishYouDidn'tKnow. Fucking good times were had by all (i.e. me). The Dude joined in, I slapped my arse while shaking booty to Missy Elliott, and then we pashed on like teenage bogans in the back of a ute. Awwwww.

What's that thing they say about drinking alone? Can't quite remember but I think it has something to do with "Productive Citizenship and Good for One's Health".

Health not so grand today, however; required late greasy breakfast & a lot of fluids. And my Yank friend is arriving tonight to stay for a couple of days, a turn of events which my astrology charts indicate may involve Alcohol.

xoxo nora

You are beautiful, no matter what they say.

So my latest thing for avoiding finishing my degree is looking up pictures of ugly things, e.g.


ugly cats















ugly dogs





















Ugly hats



















Ugly brides


















Ugly bedrooms















In my travels, I have also come across this excellent site which will be the making of me, for sure. Personally, I have my eye on Maboo.


Right. Now. On to that thesis.

xoxo nora

far away from the cold night air

So according to the paper today, most women would prefer a new plasma TV to a diamond necklace.

I am hugely cheered by this news; clearly these dudes are concerned about the abuses/environmental damage/exploitation going down in diamond mines in Sierra Leone and are TAKING A STAND (and putting a big TV on it). It’s so awesome that so many people care about this stuff…you know if it weren’t for stories like this I would sometimes start worrying that the only things dudes are really passionate about are their polished floorboards and like, the cricket. HOW WRONG AND STUPID WOULD I HAVE TO BE TO THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT. The world is full of love and compassion, bros, love and compassion.

Anyhow, got me thinking, there are quite a few things I would prefer over both a diamond necklace and a plasma TV, e.g.

- a bottle of Bombay Sapphire that never runs out;

- a houseboy;

- a houseboat;

- a loveboat;

- a talking cat;

- a diamante necklace that spells “fuckyou” instead of my name (actually I already have one of those)

- a telegram bearing news of John Howard’s death;

- one of those key rings that beeps when you lose it;

- a time machine?

- a cloud for sleeping on;

- a kettle that whistles;

- a grenade launcher;

- a nicer personality;

- a look that could kill (literally).

xoxo nora

Fox wins.

xoxo nora

I'm hairy, I'm hairy hairy hairy.

So in the course of writing this thesis about crazies who kill, I've come across a lot of cases about CRAZY PEOPLE WHO KILL PEOPLE. I don't mind so much, actually, I'm just like "whatevs, my mentally ill brothers, you can't help that you thought your girlfriend was an alien, you're just a helpless little leaf in a howling hurricane of madness, and also, what the fuck was up with that bitch? Like I'm not saying she was asking for it, as such, but I think we both agree she was a bit funny lookin" [nb this does not mean Jamie from Big Brother has a license to kill Katie, although I put it to you, WOULD THE WORLD BE SO MUCH WORSE OFF?]

[...and that is how I plan to launch my glittering career as a highly paid criminal barrister, totally defying all those doubters who suggested I was more suited to a mediocre career as a lowly paid criminal barista].

Anyway, I was going somewhere with this and then I thought maybe it's a bit crass to milk other people's horrific deaths for laughs ["TOO LATE!"].

I best go now before I start getting stuck into the Blintz vs Kebab conflict.

Although... I do have to say, and I mean this, how can people hate the Jews? Sure there's some fucked up shit going down in the middle east, but man, they totally come up with some awesome shit. And I'm not just talking about Seinfeld, Anne Frank, Al Franken, Jon Stewart, &c...'cause although all those people are total foxes, I found something even better while researching this post (yeah dudes, I research - you don't think I come up with unebelievably profound shit such as this by just letting a monkey loose on a keyboard, do you? Haha! Oh. I see. You do. Well, whatevs bros, I'll bet my monkey is like heaps smarter than any fucking monkey you could lay your bestial paws on, and HE ALSO HAS A BETTER HAIR CUT, and like Shakespeare says, "I know you are but what am I", and also, NAH NI NAH NI NAAHHH NAHHH")..................Anyway, while researching, I came across this sweet website about Jewish Food, which has the most fucking rocking soundtrack ever. I would like this played at my funeral, thankyouverymuch.

Awesome. Although I should add that according to this site, the Jews are responsible for Kenny G, so maybe that's what the Arabs are so cut up about. Tho then again, us skips came up with the likes of Natalie Bassingthwaighte and John Howard, so I am loathe to point too many fingers.


I can't believe I just linked to Kenny G.

xoxo nora

Thoughts About War.

So today I had lunch with some relatives of The Dude, apparently two of them spawned him at one point. They were pretty chill, obviously they are totally stoked about me and The Dude being drinking buddies and common law wives.

(At least, they are stoked to our faces, it's possible that after we leave they throw eachother appalled glances and cry out "What IS he DOING with that DREADFUL WOMAN?", but whatevs, while I'm there they're all like "mister nora you fucking rock," and I'm all like "Shucks, you guys, you almost make me wish I had parents of my own," and they're all like "We'll adopt you, babycakes" and I'm all like "that's such a fucking awesome idea, except, like, when me and The Dude bang it will be against nature" and they're all like "..." and then I'm like "anyway to be honest I have already agreed to be adopted by Bert and Patty Newton," and then things are awkward for a while but eventually we all have a martini and like, everything is sweet.)

(I love how you can make things italic; did Italians invent that? If so, where can I book tickets to Boldy? Because I also love how you can make things bold, I never get to be so fucking bold in my actual life...although I do like to say "that's a bold claim" in an arch tone of voice to people who say things like "Sanda Sully is so yesterday's news(reader)" or "man, did I ever tell you how much I love goats". From now on I am going to add "that's an italic claim" to my list of pat responses to comments to which I would otherwise have no response.)

Anyway, the point was, at lunch today there was a Lady who lives in India, who has 598 servants or some shit, she was regaling us with tales of how terribly annoying it is when the cook arrives at 7am and then thinks they can leave by 4pm ["It means I have to cook the dinner and it is a terrible burden, you know, because I just don't like to cook"]. At one point I think she actually said "Oh yes, yes, it's awfully hard to get good help these days, very difficult to find someone who is going to work around the clock and not ask too much of us."

So, basically what I'm getting at is that I think me and The Dude need to hire some servants to do things like watch Neighbours for me when I can't make it home by 6.30pm and maybe go to parties for me when I don't feel up to mixing with Other People and also endure hangovers for me when I've had ten too many beams and cokes. It should be wayyyy easier to get good help nowadays since those new IR laws came in...so long as we only get 99 employees/luft baloons, we are fucking set.

See, right now it would be good if I had a servant to go to bed for me. But as it is, I'LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.

xoxo nora

pablo picasso was never called an asshole

Be honest with me, now.
Should I throw it all in to pursue a career in the arts?














xoxo nora

Giraffe v Fox

VS












I LOVE YOU BOTH, FOXY AND 'RAFFY. I LOVE YOU BOTH THE SAME.

xoxo nora