Last Adoption Update of 2010

2PN Embryo - 16-18 hours old - the male and female DNA pronuclei are next to each other in the center of the embryo.

Everyone (Dr. K and his office staff, our new donor family, our lawyer) is on vacation until the end of the first week of January so things have not really progressed since before Christmas.  I love Christmas vacation but this year I will welcome January 2011 with open arms!  Dan and I are ready to get this show on the road!  It has been almost two and half months since our first FET and our second FET probably won't be until early February at best.  We did get the egg donor and sperm donor profiles for our new set of 12 2PN embryos that we are adopting from Dr. K's office.  It was fun looking at pictures and reading all about the genetic parents of these embies. 

12 embryos might sound like A LOT of babies to some of you out there but I was reading up on 2PN embryos and learned a few things:   2PN stands for "pronuclear" which means that the egg has been fertilized for 18 hours and is a single cell with two pronuclei.  (One pronuclei has the male DNA and other other with the female DNA which has not fused together yet.) This is much different than our first match where the embryos were 5 days old at the blastocyst stage.  When our 2PN embryos are thawed they will have to grow for a few days in a petri dish before they can be transferred to my body.  I read that roughly 30% of 2PN embryos make it to the blastocyst stage so it will be interesting to talk to Dr. K and see if he wants to do a 3 day embryo transfer or a 5 day blastocyst transfer.  It seems like there will be more decision making with a group of 2PN embryos than our last transfer with 5 day blasts.  You know. . . you think you know about "baby making" and then you read up on embryos, pronuclei, blasts, etc. and you really realize what a miracle a baby is.  I am glad we have Dr. K to help us through all of this.  He is great at explaining things and always draws funny diagrams to go along with his explanations. 

Let's hope that our adoption of these 12 embryos goes quickly and smoothly!  Happy New Year everyone!

Retro Baking: Christmas Booty 2010

I'm a teacher.  And sometimes when Christmas break begins I just want to flop.  This year was different.  All this week I had the urge to bake and decorate Christmas cookies from my favorite cookie book:  Betty Crocker's Cooky Book published in 1963.  My mom always had this cooky book since I could remember and it was our favorite book to bake cookies from.  I love the 1960s display pictures throughout the book.

Groovy cookie displays

  I am a history lover and there is a section of the book that explains story behind the most popular cookie from every decade from the 1880s to the 1960s.  My favorite decade cookie is the Carmel Refigerator cookie which became popular during the 1940s since women had to work outside the home during WWII and they needed to find less time-consuming recipes that required only a few common ingredients.  They are soooooo deceptively wonderful.  They look pretty plain.  Little misshapen brown ovals.  Then you put one in your mouth and it just melts.  Dan's friend calls them "little delicious clouds".

Carmel Refrigerator Cookie

When I moved out of the house and got married I missed the Cooky Book.  The pages were sticky and stained on the pages where our most treasured recipes were. 

Ethel's Sugar Cookie with cream cheese frosting

Then one day at Sam's Club I spotted THE Cooky Book.  A reprinting of the 1963 classic in its original format!  I was beyond excited and bought it on the spot.  Now the pages of my favorite cookie recipes have their "battle scars" too:  Ethel's Sugar Cookies, Cream Cheese Cookies, Snickerdoodles, Gingerbread Cut Outs and of course Carmel Refrigerators.  One day I will branch out and try the colorful Bon Bon cookies that were so popular during the 1960s French style cooking craze. 

Mrs. Brennan's Scottish Shortbread

One new cookie that I tried this year was Mrs. Brennan's Scottish Shortbread.  I got the recipe from a blog online.  In the 1940s a woman got it from the Scottish family that rented the basement out in their building.  It was passed down in the woman's family until it was posted on the blog this Christmas.  It was so easy to make (only 3 ingredients) and really delicious.  Here is what my poor kitchen looked like after my cookie baking fiesta.  (YIKES!)

  Oh and I tried to make my snowflake gingerbread cookies look like this:
but instead they turned out like this:

My sorry excuse for a piped snowflake cookie.

Ha Ha Ha!  Oh well. . . at least they tasted decent.  All the leftovers are going to work with Dan tomorrow while I go to spin class!  =)

Merry Christmas from the Shacks!

In Oia Village on the island of Santorini, Greece - August 2010

Merry Christmas from the Shacks!  Here is a little musical snack from our Christmas Eve family soiree:
First Course - Hark the Herald
Second Course - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

For "The Infertiles". . . a little satire does the heart good.

I don't post directly about infertility a ton on this blog.  In my own heart I have chosen to abandon the bitterness that infertility can bring and move on to pursuing the hope that adoption brings to an infertile couple.  That doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with the social aspect of infertility from time to time.  I came across this satire dealing with infertility and Facebook and thought I would share it with my infertile sisters and brothers out there.  (Warning: I hate profanity.  This article uses it twice and  I apologize if it offends you.)

Also, I want to say that this satire more than implies that a fertile person can never understand or sympathize with the pain of infertility.  While there are people out there who are like that, I want to thank my fertile friends and family members who have reached out to me in my struggle with infertility.  Thank you for listening, asking questions, praying for me, encouraging me, and including me in your lives even when it might be awkward.  While sometimes infertility is lonely, I don't feel alone.  God has gifted Dan and I with wonderful friends and family and we are grateful for that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------(Start of Satire)
There was a good article on the Washington Post web site earlier this week about being infertile on Facebook.  "Now, when more than a half-billion people use Facebook, couples yearning for children say they are trapped," writes Ian Shapira. "They are unwilling to detach from the social network, but unable to avoid its frequent reminders — fetal sonograms are seemingly ubiquitous — of what might elude them forever."
Now, I was never on Facebook during vulnerable times, so I don't know quite how it feels.  I can vividly imagine it, though.  Here is how I think it might be, seen from the point of view and the news feed of one totally fictitious Anita Child.  (To help me out I've called on some old friends.  Facebook's just great for reconnecting with all the people we hated in high school.)







...Do I have the general idea?

Posted by Julie at 10:53:41 PM in I am full of good ideas

Welcome to our rollercoaster! It is quite a ride!

Well today brought much better news that we were not expecting.  Dr. K's office called and the new donor family has already signed the release papers and have begun working with their lawyer on the legal paperwork.  We also contacted the lawyer we are working with to begin our part of the paperwork.  We won't get the donor profiles and embryology report for a few more days but we did learn a little bit more about this match:  there are 12 embryos, they are frozen at the 2PN stage (18 hours old), they were created "recently" in Dr. K's lab from donor eggs and donor sperm, there have been multiple pregnancies from this batch of embryos, they are caucasian.  I am not sure how long the legal process will take or how expensive it is.  It seems like they are trying to move things along quickly for us.  We are already further ahead with this clinic match in two days than we were at six weeks with the last failed clinic match.  We are very glad for that!  I don't want to get my hopes up but it seems like we may be on track for a late February transfer.  =)

Moving on. . . sort of. . .

Dr. K confirmed for us today that our new clinic donor family had changed their mind about the donation.  He was really surprised that the couple backed out of the donation; we were not so surprised.  We told him that we wanted to move forward with our FET in January with our Snowflakes embies but they want us to wait for a new match that they have ready for us.  We don't know much about this new match other than there are 12 embryos and they were recently created in Dr. K's lab with donor sperm and donor eggs.  They said that the office is closed for the holidays until January 8th anyways and that the legal paperwork would begin this Wednesday (Dec. 15).  They want me to stay in a holding pattern through the holidays before we make any big decisions about embryo transfers.  More waiting!  Just what I wanted for Christmas. . .  =(

Okay, the brighter side is that Dr. K seems determined to get us matched with some more embryos and we are really hopeful about working with him.  We realize that the timing is and will be way different than what we want but for now we are committed to sticking with embryo adoption/donation until it becomes apparent that we should move in a different direction.

Christmas Concert 2010

Every year I look forward to performing with my fellow musicians at church and the Christmas concert is one of my favorite performances.  Last night was so fun as we celebrated together with song the birth of our Savior who came to redeem us from our sinful state and a fate of eternal death.  What a wonderously joyful season it is.

Gladiator Rock n' Run 2010!

Totally crazy and fun!  Participants for 2010:  Elizabeth, Dan, Ben (Elizabeth's brother) Janee (Elizabeth's friend)

So. . .are we getting stood up again?

Maybe so.   Our new clinic donor couple has had almost four weeks to sign a release paper to begin the contract phase of the embryo donation.  Not only have they not signed the paperwork, but they haven't responded to any of our clinics phone calls.  From our past experience, this is not a good sign.  When a couple hesitates to sign paperwork, it is for a reason.  Dan and I decided that if by Monday if the clinic does not hear from the donor couple, we will ask for our clinic to schedule our next FET with our two remaining Snowflake embryos.  I am super frustrated that the donor couple specifically asked to donate to a "struggling couple" and then played us like this.  How cruel.  I can only hope that I am wrong about this situation.  Maybe there is a small chance that they will go through with the donation.  We don't feel like waiting around to find out.  I feel good about finishing out our commitment to our Snowflake babies.  It was what I wanted from the beginning anyways.  Let's all pray for a miracle huh?  The doctor says my little Snowflakes don't have much of a chance of making it.  My God doesn't care about statistics.  He is the author of life even more than our incredible Dr. K.  I'm putting my faith in Him.

An open letter to those donating embryos

Dear Donor Families,

I can't imagine the emotional strain it puts on you to think of passing your embryos on to another family.  I admire your choice immensely and think it is the best choice and a selfless choice.  However, there is one question that I would like to ask you all which I cannot myself figure out.  And while this question does not apply to all of you, in my own personal experience it has applied to three of our four prospective donor embryo families.  So. . . here is my question:  Most of you have gone through the pain of infertility and understand the agony of "not knowing" and having "no control".  Most of you understand how precious time is in the race to beat the biological clock, more importantly you understand how for an infertile couple each day that passes without making some progress toward your dream of being parents is incredibly frustrating, and most importantly you know each day that passes your precious embryos have to wait even longer for a chance at life.  Which leads me to ask this:  If you understand our (recipient family) struggle so well and you know you want to give life to your embryos, why do you insist on adding to the heartache of this situation by refusing to sign paperwork and cooperate with our placing agencies in a timely manner?  I honestly don't get it.  I realize the decision to donate your embryos is extremely difficult and now that you have your own child(ren) your time is precious; But please do not agree to an embryo donation match until you are ready to proceed and committed to the effort required of you to make the donation happen in a reasonable frame of time.  To those donor families who have cooperated in a timely manner (including the donor family of our four precious Snowflake embies) we receiving families thank you!  You are appreciated and respected for your compassion and commitment to your embryos and us receiving families.

Sincerely,
E&D Shack (A receiving family who is tired of waiting three weeks for our next precious donor family to sign one simple piece of legal paperwork. . .)

The Good, the Bad, and the Shocking and Quite Exciting!

In July we finalized our adoption of four embryos through Snowflakes.  In September we began our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle.  In October we thawed and transferred two of our four embryos and ten days later found out that they didn't make it.  The day after our negative BETA (pregnancy blood test) our FET doctor called to debrief with us.  Our news was good, then bad, then shocking and quite exciting and it has led us to a slight change in plans.

The Good:  My body did everything it was supposed to do.  Embryos, even "good looking" ones like one of our two embryos, sometimes don't make it.  It is the nature of assisted reproduction.  Science has not found a way to force an embryo to implant.  It must do so on its own.

The Bad:  The doctor says that the two embryos we used in our October transfer were our best embryos.  He says the other two have an even lesser chance of surviving the thaw and implanting although he does say it is very possible (while not likely) that they can come to a pregnancy and be born. 

The Shocking and Quite Exciting: Our doctor said that he has a couple in his donor embryo program who has completed their family and is looking specifically for a family who is really struggling to donate their five remaining embryos to.  Our doctor felt that we were the perfect recipient family for this match and wanted to know if we would consider accepting these five embryos. 

The Slight Change in Plans:  We told Dr. K that we were committed to giving our Snowflake embryos a chance at life and discarding them was not an option.  We also told Dr. K that we would be honored to "adopt" the couple's five embryos (blasts created from a sperm and egg donor - created in Dr. K's office in 2009).  For the last five weeks we have very slowly been progressing through the proper legal procedure to make these five embies ours.  The donating family has agreed to the match verbally but have now had the release paperwork for three weeks and have not signed or sent it back.  We have put our next FET on hold until we negotiate the terms of our embryo donation contract.  Ideally we would like to move forward with our second FET with our Snowflakes embryos while the legal paperwork is being finished on our new donor clinic embryos BUT  as all of us know in the adoption world. . . we do not live in a world of ideals.   If we transfer our Snowflake embies and it results in a pregnancy (which would be amazing) it could jeopardize our adoption of the donor clinic embies.  The typical donor embryo contract gives the receiving family one year of uninterrupted "ownership" of the frozen embryos.  After that year the donor family can ask for any embryos that are still frozen to be returned to them.  So the plan most likely will be to transfer the donor clinic embryos first until we get pregnant and then use our remaining two Snowflake embies and any remaining donor clinic embies in future transfers for siblings.  (We negotiated a five year contract on our Snowflake embies.)

So. . . that is where we are right now.   Thoroughly blessed by this amazing twist in our adoption story, but stuck in the waiting pattern once again.

For those waiting for their adopted little ones to come home. . .

. . .and for those precious little ones waiting for their forever family to come get them:



There's a little girl trembling on a cold December morn
Crying for momma's arms
At an orphanage just outside a little China town
There the forgotten are

But half a world away I hang the stockings by the fire
And dream about the day when I can finally call you mine

It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in his arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas

As I hang the tinsel on the tree and watch the twinkling lights
I'm warmed by the fire's glow
Outside the children tumble in a wonderland of white,
Make angels in the snow

But half a world away you try your best to fight the tears
And hope that heaven's angels come to carry you here

It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in his arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas

Christmas is a time to celebrate the holy child
And we celebrate his perfect gift of love
He came to earth to give his life
And prepare a place for us
So we could have a home with him above

It's Christmas time again and now you're home
Your family is here so you will never be alone
So tonight before you go to sleep, I'll hold you in my arms
And I'll tell you from my heart, and I'll you from my heart
I wish you Merry Christmas

Is isolation really the answer?

I was logging on to AOL this morning and a cover story entitled "Tips for Facing Infertility During the Holidays" caught my eye.  In the article a woman, who with her husband has been struggling with infertility for 6 years, describes how it is difficult to make it through the holidays without having children.  She has dubbed the season "The Hellidays" and has started an Internet campaign called "National Don't Send Me Christmas Cards with Photos of Your Kids on Them Month," on her blog, "Fertility Foibles.".  She suggests that if your friends don't oblige then you should just throw their Christmas cards away without opening them.  The article then gives some suggestions for us "infertiles" in how to make it through the holidays:

1. Smooth talk: Find a subtle way to let family members know that, yes, you are trying, but you'd rather focus on enjoying the holiday instead of talking about it right now. If your relatives don't get the message -- we all have that sweet-but-a-little-obtuse aunt, right? -- think of a short answer to the question before heading to the party, so you won't be put on the spot with nothing to say.  Be armed with other interesting news or information to share with your relatives, so you can give your answer to the baby question and then quickly turn the conversation in another direction.
2. Ban the baby department: During shopping treks to the mall, steer clear of the baby section
3. Home alone: Staying in is not always a bad option, as holiday gatherings typically revolve around children.  Give yourself a break from the ongoing parties and celebrations that you are not ready to participate in.
4. Start new traditions. Create a new or different holiday ritual with your partner or close friends or family members as a way of acknowledging the holidays in a lower key, comfortable manner.
5.  Create mantras: Couples struggling with fertility should create an arsenal of internal mantras: "I will not be childless forever." "I will have stories to share like this one day, too."
6. Cry, baby: If all else fails, Burris recommends fleeing to the bathroom "for a good cry."

I noticed a trend in the suggestions to survive the holidays.  Almost all suggestions, including the suggestion to ban family photo Christmas cards, assert that isolating yourself from things connected to children/pregnancy is good for you.  Is isolation really the answer to dealing with the disappointment of not being able to have a family?  The holiday season is difficult for me as an infertile, childless woman.   Last year our pastors in advent sermons managed to mention the barrenness of Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist) multiple times.  We buy stocking and Christmas presents for our cats and dog instead of our own children.  The holiday season is also the anniversary of the loss of our only pregnancy.  It marks another year that we haven't been able to conceive and our adoption hasn't yet helped expand our family.  I have my sad moments.  Then I think of all of the experiences that I would miss out on if I was so self-focused that I just decided to not go where children are or read the Christmas cards of my friends and family.  I don't want my infertility to hurt Dan and I any more than it has.  It has robbed us of many years we might have had children but it will not rob us of the joyful experience of living in community by playing with our wonderful nephews, or spending time with families from church and work, or experiencing the magic of holding a newborn baby, or giving back by working in the nursery when they need a little extra help.  The movie Amazing Grace is one my most favorite films.  In this film one of the main characters states, "It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste in your mouth, you spit it out. You don't constantly swallow it back."  One of the dangers of infertility is that it can leave a bad taste in your mouth.  It can make you incredibly bitter, IF YOU LET IT.  Infertility hurts.  It is very painful, and the wounds are deep.  But if you spend your life focused on your pain you will miss out on all the wonderful things in the world. . . including babies, children, families, cute Santa onsies in the store, and so many other things and experiences.  "Spitting out" the bad taste of infertility for me has been many things:  writing in this blog, sharing my emotions and experiences with close family and friends, focusing on the blessings in my life like being able to travel and run in crazy races, but most of all realizing that my joy and value as a person is not founded in my fertility but rather in the fact that I am a loved and desired creation of God.  My infertility is part of me but it doesn't define me.  My Grandma Joyce used to tell us when we were small kids that we needed to weed out the root of bitterness in our hearts before it overtakes the beauty of our "garden".  I have prayed many times for God to change my emotions and my views of things that could steal my joy and grow my bitterness.  The miracle of my life is that my prayer to become a mom is not yet answered but I am free from the burden of bitterness and isolation and not on my own merit.  My joy comes from a source outside of myself.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10

Need to Getaway? Palm Desert might be the place for you!

To prepare financially for our next embryo transfer (probably in January) Dan and I have decided to sell our timeshare week in Palm Desert (near Palm Springs, CA).  Let me know if you are interested and I can call or email you.  It is a great place and we have stayed there many times!  We especially like the modern decor, pools, and gym, Dan loves the tennis courts, and I love the scenery (The California desert is gorgeous in the winter!).  It is one of the top Marriott resorts- just built a few years ago on a Nick Faldo golf course that is one of the top courses in Palm Desert.  Here are some details and pictures:   

Location, Date, and Time

Week 51 at the Marriott Shadow Ridge Enclaves
Check in 4pm Friday December 17, 2010
Check out 10am Friday December 24, 2010

Accomodations
2 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, living room, private balcony/terrace, 
dining, full kitchen, laundry in unit (Sleeps eight - six privately)
 Price

$900 for the week (7 nights) plus $50 guest certificate 
(We are Marriott owners and need to order a certificate 
so the week is in your name.) - OR BEST OFFER
(Marriott is currently selling this week for $2139!!! 
which is about $300 per night!)

The Enclaves is a brand new property in Palm Desert with lots of amenities (pools, gym, outdoor gathering areas including an awesome outdoor fireplace, playgrounds, kids activity center, basketball, tennis courts, sand volleyball, on a Nick Faldo golf course.  Very family friendly.  See it on Marriott's website for pictures and details:

Fact Sheet - http://www.marriott.com/hotels/fact-sheet/travel/ctdst-marriotts-shadow-ridge-ii-the-enclaves/
Photos - http://www.marriott.com/hotels/photo-tours/ctdst-marriotts-shadow-ridge-ii-the-enclaves/
Hotel Room Info - http://www.marriott.com/hotels/hotel-rooms/ctdst-marriotts-shadow-ridge-ii-the-enclaves/

General Room Amenities

• Air conditioning
• Alarm clock
• Coffee maker/tea service
• Individual climate control
• Iron and ironing board
• Mini fridge
• Pillows: down/feather
• Pillows: foam
• Pull-out sofa bed
• Safe
• Washer/dryer

Bathroom Amenities

• Hair dryer
• Separate tub and shower

Room Entertainment

• Cable channel: CNN
• Cable channel: ESPN
• Cable channel: HBO
• Cable/satellite TV
• Color TV

Kitchen Amenities

• Dishwasher
• Microwave oven
• Pots, pans, serving dishes
• Refrigerator
• Refrigerator with icemaker
• Silverware
• Stove
• Table and chairs

Business Amenities

• Phone feature: voice mail

Well. . . since I'm NOT pregnant. . .

. . . Dan and I (and my brother Ben) are doing THIS!!!

Flat Fred and Jamie go to Work!

Dan and I have some visitors with us this week compliments of our nieces in the Great Northwest!  Flat Fred and Flat Jamie have come for a Southern California adventure.  Today Dan and I each took one to work with us.

 Flat Jamie came with me to experience high school.  She learned about symbolism and satire and met a bunch of enthusiastic 17 year olds.

 Fred went to the office with Dan and met some CHP officers and got to see a police car up close!  We shall see where we take them next. . .

N8IRR

N8IRR is back!

 Dan and I live near a small airport that used to be a military base that is now home to many private jets and a historical aircraft museum.  Whenever we drive by the hangar we gaze at the planes and usually play a short game of "let's pretend" which usually goes like this: "So, where are we going to take our private jet this weekend?"  "Well, maybe. . ."  It is fun to pretend right?  When we first moved to our neighborhood we saw this plane and immediately it became our favorite of all the airplanes.  His name is Nater because his airplane ID is N8IRR.  Nater would come and go and whenever we happened to drive by and he was "home" we would literally yell "Hi Nater!".  We haven't seen Nater in many, many months.  We've been wondering where he went.  Is he in Vegas?  Perhaps Montana. . . or maybe up in San Francisco!  I actually was a little sad that he might not ever come back.  Then today he was back and we were SOOO EXCITED!  I know I am exposing some of our Shack family dorkiness but it is the little things in life that can bring great pleasure.  =)

Thankful for the Veterans in my Family!

Brother-in-law Jake - Active Duty Air Force

Grandpa Robert - Marines

Cousin Tim - Air Force

Cousin Luke - Navy / Cousin-in-law Dolly - Navy

Brother-in-law Paul - Army

A day away. . .

 

Enjoying a nice fall day in the Huntington Library Chinese Garden.

Today Dan and I decided to cash in our groupon that we bought in July for a one-year family membership to the Huntington Library and Gardens in San Marino.  Dan had not been to the newer Chinese Garden or inside the Huntington house so we focused on those two areas today.  At the Chinese Garden we had a dim sum sampler which included one of my favorites, bao buns (BBQ pork sticky buns) and then we had the BEST iced jasmine green tea and some almond cookies all while we took in the beautiful view.  I love visiting the Huntington because it reminds me so much of our times touring in Europe; casually viewing Gainsborough portraits, wall paneling and furniture in the style of Louis the XVI, and manicured gardens of all sorts.  There is something that is so leisurely about this place.  It is where you come to dream and to forget; where you can be transported to another time and place.  I half wish I had some elaborate gown from the late 1700s and a parasol to saunter around the garden pathways in.  We are so excited to visit the Huntington many times this year.  Some peace and quiet along with some light exercise is just what we need to counteract the stresses of EA and other life issues.

Chinese bao bun - You must try!!!

Fun on the Farm with Family!

Dan and I live in dairy country so we invited all the family out for a farm tour at a nearby farm.  We learned how pumpkins are grown, smelled all the herbs in the herb garden, harvested plants to feed the Babe the pig, petted goats, sheep, horses, and cows, milked a cow, saw turkeys and bunnies, petted farm kitties, brushed a pony, and picked out pumpkins.  It was such a fun day with all the nephews, my brothers and sisters, and my Mom and Dad.  Afterward we went back to our house for yummy meals and s'mores around the campfire.  Here is a picture of the twinos having their first ever campfire s'more. 

"Not Yet"

. . .was not the answer Dan and I were praying we would get after waiting seven years to become parents but this is indeed the news we received today.  My blood test confirmed what I had known these past few days;  we lost both of our babies.  Adoption and infertility are both journeys and this is one of the painful and sad moments in our journey.  But it is not just about Dan and I.  Yes, today we once again lost out on the opportunity to be parents but our babies lost out on a chance to experience life.  I miss them and I didn't even know them.  They and baby Shack that we lost at six weeks in 2008 are the only children we have ever known.  Dan and I revere life at its most basic form (a small cluster of human cells) which is why we felt so drawn to embryo adoption.  I mourn them and I mourn the loss of the opportunity to mother them and provide them a loving home.

Tomorrow we will meet with our FET Dr. and decide what to do next.  We still have two more adopted embies in cryogenic storage waiting for a chance at life and we are committed to give them that opportunity.  I am not sure when that will happen just yet.

Thank you for praying for our embies and for us.  Dan and I have chosen to share our story for many reasons and one of those reasons is so that when we go through really tough days like today we have a community to come around us and build us back up with encouragement, kindness, and prayer.  Thank you friends.

One last look at our precious baby Shacks.  I am glad we have this picture to remember them by.

It's not "Baby Glue", it's "CRAZY Glue"!

One of my embryo adoption blog buddies, Lacie, calls the PIO shots we have to take "baby glue".  Tonight Dan says that I need to change the name to "crazy glue".  I've cried, gotten angry, and laughed hysterically in the last 60 min. and I think I should probably practice the discipline of silence so I don't drive him crazy too!  Five days into the two week wait I was like, "This waiting thing isn't nearly as bad as others have made it out to be!".  Ha!  The joke is on me.  I have felt pretty tortured today.  Where did my peace go?  At least I still have my sense of humor. . .

Mr. Shack the Athlete

My athlete and his running buddy Mike.

Congrats to my hubby for getting up at 5 am on his day off to run in the Huntington Beach Distance Derby!  He finished his 10 mile run in 1:56.  Love that man!

Special Delivery!

Look what I got in the mail!!!

I was honored to receive THE Baby Games book this week to entertain and distract during my "two week wait"!  (Thanks Em!)  If you don't know the origin of this fun tradition see Lacie's blog.   I look forward to browsing through this treasure over the next few days and passing it along to another EA mom-to-be during her two week wait.  =)

Bed Rest Buddies

Yes. . . she really was staring at me this close to my face. 

Figgy, Ollie, Ichi, and Jersey. . . oh yea and lots of papers to grade. =)

Three days post transfer and I am doing really well.  I've enjoyed my days of bed rest so much!  I got a lot of paper grading done, watched some fun TV, and spent some nice quiet time with Dan.  I've been feeling very good emotionally.  I only "googled" info on FETs twice!  Physically I've been feeling the shots a bit more and the bruising has begun.  I made the mistake of not massaging the meds in after my shots one night and I paid for it big time the next morning.  The shots themselves don't hurt hardly at all.  Warming the vial of medicine before the shot and massaging the injection site afterwards has been really working for me.  The only physical issues I have had from the FET is pretty constant mild cramping since the day after the transfer.  Implantation is supposed to happen in the first 72 hours after the transfer which means that our embies have either made it or not at this point.  I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I am just going to take it easy and make sure I leave on time and rest when I get home.  Well back to paper grading! 

Meet the newest Shacks!

Our little blasts!  Now that is an early baby picture!

Today was an amazing day.  When we arrived at Dr. K's office we met with the embryologist to get a report on how our embies did in the thaw.  They thawed two of our four blasts and they both survived!  They were thawed late Sunday afternoon and spent the night growing in a petri dish. The plan was to thaw the 5AB and 5BB embies and save the two 5BC embies for later but they realized that the New York clinic had not labeled the straws so they just picked two of the four to thaw.  We don't know which ones were selected but the embryologist says that we had one that was an expanding hatching blast that looked excellent (that is the one that is more irregular shaped) and one that was only 50-60% "intact" from being frozen- yet it was still alive and growing.  They said this last embie (the one that is perfectly round) did not look so good.  To our surprise they then asked us if we would like to thaw another embryo to give us a higher chance of pregnancy.  They said that we could not transfer the not-so-good embie if the newly thawed embryo looked better since we are not open to selective reduction (abortion to reduce multiples).  Of course for us that was not an option at all.  We always stated that we would transfer all embryos that survived the thaw and realize that even in the case of not-so-good embryos babies are born.  We decided to stick with our original plan and only transfer the two that were thawed and save the other two.  The embryologist felt that we most likely thawed one of the higher grade embryos (5AB or 5BB) and one of the lower grade embryos (the 5BC).  Which means we likely still have one higher grade and one lower grade embryo left in frozen storage. 

Ready for our babies!

After the embryologist left I took my Valium and drank some water to fill my bladder so that they can see my uterus better on the ultrasound machine.  Then while the Valium took effect Dr. K came in to discuss our choice to transfer two embryos, explain the procedure, and answer our questions.  Given our decision not to selectively reduce and to transfer all surviving embryos he agreed with our decision.  He said that while the chance of the not-so-good embryo surviving was small he has seen it happen.  He transferred two very low grade embryos to a woman last year and they both implanted and the woman had twins.  He said that I needed to smile more and change my thinking now that the decision had been made.  He said I needed to be 100% positive about this transfer.  (Isn't Dr. K awesome???)  We walked into the transfer room where I changed into my gown and relaxed on the table with my tunes (Chris Rice, Switchfoot, Coldplay, Nora Jones, etc.) while Dan rubbed my head.  The Valium was great but I think the prayers of many were answered today.  I NEVER felt nervous and I never cried once.  I was more excited about today than anything.  The nurse came in and said my bladder looked great on the ultrasound and then Dr. K came in and place the catheter in and our little embryos slipped right inside my body.  He took a picture of them inside my uterus.  I was totally AMAZED!  Dr. K said the transfer went perfectly.  I had to lay and relax on the table for 20 minutes and then they put me in a wheel chair.  I finally got to empty my bladder (yea!) and then we said good bye to Dr. K who ordered me to rest, not stress for several weeks, eat brownies and ice cream after all my meals, and smile lots.  =)  They wheeled me out to our truck and then Dan and I headed back home to follow Dr.'s orders and relax. 

The big black space on top is my bladder.  The bright white lines are my uterus.  The bright white spot in the middle of my uterus is the fluid with our embies! Amazing huh?

For others who are doing EA here are some thoughts:  The actual transfer was a breeze!  The bladder thing was no big deal at all which surprised me because I was most freaked out about this part (but being a teacher I have a well trained bladder. . .he he).  I am really glad I had my mp3 player because it helped pass the time when I had to lay down and wait. 

So what is next?  In the next 72 hours the embryos are supposed to float up to the top of the uterus and implant in my uterine lining.  We have more blood tests on Friday (Oct. 22) for progesterone and estrogen level checks.  Then on Oct. 28th we have and HCG (Beta) check which will tell us if our embryos implanted or not.  In the embryo adoption world they call this the "two week wait" (2WW).  It is usually a most difficult period of waiting and wondering.  I've got lots of distractions planned:  movies to watch, magazines to read (thanks Jenn!), blogging to do, papers to grade (boo), kitties and a doggie to cuddle with, reading to do, etc.  I looking forward to a break in my normal teaching routine.  Dan has been really great bringing me food, setting up my t.v. shows, and keeping me company.   He is good EA husband.  =)

Well it is time for my delestrogen and PIO shots which have been going great.  I have zero bumps or pain from my shots so far.  Yea!  I think following the advice from those who came before me has really helped.  I still can't believe that there are two small little lives growing inside me right now.  May the Lord bless them and us as they continue to grow.  It is our dearest hope and prayer that they both make it!

Just sayin. . .(thoughts on transfer morning)

I woke up a bit early today.  I am getting a little nervous.  I don't know why.  Maybe what I am feeling is more excitement.  It is going to be hard to relax especially with a full bladder which makes probably all people anxious.  But I have the peace of God in my heart, my husband by my side, the most kind Dr. you could EVER ask for, and my tunes on my mp3 to listen to.   I am looking forward to seeing the picture they will take of our thawed embryos.  It is rainy outside and I am glad I brought really comfy clothes to wear today.  I have this verse on my mind today:
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3
 Well I am off to shower and get ready.  We get free breakfast buffet at our hotel!  (Dan is super excited about that.)  And then we will drive a short 10 min down the freeway to Dr. K's.