Battling Fear and Sorrow

The dreaded single pink line...times three...

I was going to approach this blogpost with a little lighter tone...a little humor.. like "One (pink line) Is The Loneliest Number" you know like the song.. but the fact is my heart is heavy today.  Yesterday was busy and I was able to push aside the news that all four of our embryos didn't make it and our transfer had failed.  I feel the darkness of fear washing over me.  What if we lose all of our remaining embryos and Lena doesn't get a sibling?  How will we pay for another transfer with one income, mounting debt, and a recent pay cut to my husband's paycheck?  How much longer can we endure the emotional roller coaster of infertility, doctor visits, daily injections, and seemingly endless waiting?

I knew early this week when all my home pregnancy tests were negative that my blood test yesterday would not bring us the news we wanted to hear.  I just got off the phone with Dr. K for my post-cycle consult which lasted all of two minutes.  Basically we can try again in January but he warned that the remaining embryos are of lesser quality than the ones we thawed for this last transfer.  The image of my big house full of kids is fading quickly...It will be weird for me to have a small family...as the oldest of five kids I am used to a bustling household.

I feel broken-hearted right now.

I look at Lena and wonder what her siblings would have been like.  Would they have sparkly blue eyes like her?  Would they be as outgoing as she is?  Who will share her life with her, keep her company, look out for her and love her unconditionally after Dan and I are gone?  My siblings and the time we have spent together in this life is so valuable to me...its priceless.  Each one of my brothers and my sister are irreplaceable.  They are all so unique and special and I can't imagine if one of them were never born and never part of our family.  When we lose our embryos Dan and I don't just lose babies, Lena loses her brothers and sisters and it breaks my heart.  It also makes me long for an open adoption.  I wish so badly that Lena could know her full blooded brother and sister who live with the family that gave us her group of embryos.  I found out a few weeks ago while I was at Dr. K's office that her genetic family doesn't even know that Lena exists.  I think that is sad.

I was cleaning all the old church bulletins out of my Bible this morning and one phrase that I must have scribbled onto one of them during a sermon caught my eye.  It simply read, "We must preach to our hearts".  And so it seems that is my task a lot this week.  We studied 1 Samuel 16-17 in women's Bible study this morning.  It is the passage where the young 15 year old shepherd David (who has learned to trust God to protect him and fearlessly fight when the lions and bears would attack his flock of sheep) is now faced with Goliath and the aggressive Philistines who are insulting and threatening the Isrealites.  David's response to this threat is confidence rather than fear.  To the world he was an unlikely hero as he helped save Isreal from the Philistine army.  To God he was a boy who faithfully and obediently did exactly what he had trained to do.  Wise beyond his years David trusted that God provides, God protects, and God is powerful and he lived his daily life confidently with that knowledge.  I hate that my natural reaction to difficulty is fear rather than confidence in a mighty God.

It is hard not to let my heart go to that dark place.  I have to remind myself that I have seen the provision of God.  I've seen it countless times in my own life.  One of my intense reactions after I realized our transfer didn't work was to just drop my "to do list" and spend tons of time with Lena.  I've never felt it more than this week just what a miracle my precious girl is.  I took her to the park for playtime, we went to Knott's Berry Farm and rode the merry go round and saw the horses, we read books together and snuggled in the special rocking chair, we danced to music and ate fun snacks...I am just so thankful that God has given us Lena.  She is a good visual reminder that the pain and frustration we sometimes endure is worth it.

Snack time at Knott's while we watch the Stagecoach drive by.

Lena LOVED riding the horsey on the merry go round like a big girl!

The Shopping is Done!

All stocked up for Tuesday morning!  8dp5dt

Whenever you do an embryo transfer people in the EA (Embryo Adoption) community want to know (either outwardly or secretly) if you are going to do what is affectionately known as POAS (Pee On A Stick) or take a pregnancy test before your official pregnancy blood test.  Over two years ago when we had our first FET I blogged elaborately about my personal philosophy on this issue.  Basically, I would rather know as soon as possible if our transfer has been successful or not.  After that first transfer failed I almost went back on my philosophy and swore off home pregnancy tests for our second transfer......that was until day 8 came around and I couldn't wait two more days for my blood test.  Today Dan and I once again made the trek to The Dollar Tree for some inexpensive "Pee Sticks" because I plan on testing this time!  I know though especially because one of our embryos has a good chance of developing into a blighted ovum (pregnancy with no baby) that I will wait to celebrate fully until we get our BETA results (pregnancy results from the blood tests) and see the heart beat(s) in the ultrasound at six weeks.  I know I might be setting myself up for major disappointment....but I HAVE to know!  Here's to hoping we get lots of dark pink lines this month!!!

Transfer Day - Meet the Newest Shacks!

It was a beautiful day in Thousand Oaks at the fertility clinic.  Ready to meet our babies!

This was our best quality embryo.  The wall is nice and intact and the cells are not damaged and clumped together nicely.

This cell has a nice wall but as you can see there are not many cells in the middle.  The dark cells are what develops into the fetus.  There are some cells and they might multiply or the pregnancy might develop into what is called a blighted ovum where there is everything but a baby. 

This morning we went in for our third frozen embryo transfer.   The day went well but not quiet as smoothly as I had hoped.  We had to wait a long time once we got to the very busy doctor's office and once we were taken back to our procedure room we found out why.

Here we are sitting in the procedure room waiting for Dr. K to come in and talk with us.

 Our first two blasts that were thawed didn't look very good and Dr. K after looking at them told the embryologist to thaw two more blasts which took an additional 30 minutes.  Dr. K came in an explained the condition of all four embryos and told us we had important decisions to make.  I had prayed specifically to not have to make any stressful decisions today...oh well.  He told us our options:
1.  Choose which two of the four embryos to put in and discard the others.
2.  Choose which two of the four embryos to put in and let the others "grow out" and refreeze them if they do grow and survive.
3.  Thaw two more embryos so we would have more and possibly better embryos to choose from.

This is an embryo from the first two blasts that were thawed.  It has a nice wall and generous clump of cells but many of them were damaged by the ice crystals when it was frozen making this embryo less "viable".

This is an embryo from the second two blasts that were thawed.  It has a collapsed wall and many of the cells were also damaged by ice crystals when it was frozen make it less "viable". 

I immediately looked at Dan and then put my head in my hands.  Dr. K could tell I was distressed by this situation.  I told him right off that I viewed all the embryos as alive and didn't want to discard any of them.  He sat down for a longer discussion.  He went on for several minutes talking about the reproductive process and how the majority of embryos in the natural state don't make it because they are not genetically viable.  Blah, blah, blah... I was a little perturbed.  Ultimately, the talk did help me and Dan decide that we would choose option two.  We are expecting a call from the embryologist on how the two embryos we didn't transfer are doing but haven't heard anything yet.  As much as I love Dr. K it is hard to work with a doctor who has a different moral point of view on the value of an embryo's life.  I do feel at peace with our decision.  I think if I had had a say from the beginning I would have just transferred the first two blasts without thawing the other two but Dr. K did so without asking us.

This is the window in the procedure room to the embryologist's lab.  They pass the embryos to Dr. K through this window to do the transfer.

 After our decision was made I pleaded, "Can I take my valium now?"  I was a little jittery.  I changed into my gown and downed two bottles of water (which proved to be too much!)  then Dan gave me a nice head rub while I relaxed waiting for Dr. K to come back in to do the transfer.

Dan was a great husband, keeping me calm and relaxed.

Finally, Dr. K came in and in a matter of minutes he placed the cathiter in which held our two embryos and placed them inside my uterus.  The actual transfer went perfectly.  I had to lay and relax on the table for another 25 minutes before I could empty my bladder and head home.  It was hard to make it to 25 minutes because I drank too much water!  It was kind of comical.

It is hard to tell but there is a bright white line and then underneath a more faint white line/blob and that  is my embryos and the fluid they are in.  One black blob is my uterus and the other is my bladder.

 Dr. K came in to say good-bye like he always does.  He ordered me the same three things as usual:  positive thoughts only, rest, good food!  They wheeled me out in the wheelchair and we make a quick stop to pick Lena up at my parents' house on our way home.  So I've been relaxing in bed and will pray that our little embies (all four - two with me and two in the dish) make it.  Dan reminded me after Dr. K left the room before our transfer.  He said, "Dr. K says we like to think we can control everything but we can't.  We know that God is in control and he will do what is best.  So we don't need to worry."  It was a good reminder.  I have an estrogen blood test on Saturday and then our first BETA to test for pregnancy is on Thursday, November 15th.  So the waiting continues...

Just sitting in the dark waiting...

Well it is 6:30 am local time and I am up sitting on the couch in our hotel room typing in the dark while Dan gets a little more sleep.  (He is going to need it as he has sole responsibility for Lena while I am on bed rest!)  I couldn't sleep anymore, partly because I always wake up early to exercise or hang out with Lena.  Only Lena isn't here this morning; she is with my parents.   I also woke up because the bed in this hotel is hard as a rock and my back was killing me!  Lastly, I keep thinking about our transfer this morning.  We have decided to transfer two of the blasts and I am anxious/excited to see how they will do in the "thaw".  I am not nervous about the actual procedure at all.  Dr. K and his team are just so awesome at what they do.  I don't want to have to make decisions about anything.  In our first transfer they asked me if I wanted to discard one embryo that didn't look so great.  I would NEVER choose to do that and I hate it when they ask me those types of questions.  I am hoping all goes smoothly...

My shots have been going well but I feel sick from the PIO shots this time.  I don't remember being so nausiated from them last time.  After we dropped off Lena and had a nice family dinner at my parent's house last night we dropped by to see my cousin and her family.  We had a good visit and prayer time and then headed to check into our hotel and sleep.  When I left my parents' house as I walked out the door I said, "The next time you see me I will be pregnant!"  This process is so wild.  However, it is becoming more normal to me.  Well, in a couple of hours we will head over to the doctor's office.  My transfer is at 10:00am local time.  I will post from my comfy bed at home later tonight and let you know how everything went!  Pray for us today if you think about it. 

Triggered!

We have been pretty consumed lately with some house projects, getting ready for Lena's birthday bash, and taking care of our little peanut who has been battling a nasty bout with bronchitis for the third time since June.  But.. people!  We are almost to transfer day!  I've been traveling to see Dr. K every week to get my lining ultrasounds and estrogen checks which have all been "perfect".  Last night we added the dreaded PIO injections to trigger my body for the transfer and I am trying to remember all of my injection tricks and tips as I already have bruising from my few weeks of delestrogen injections.  A few weeks ago I was discussing how many embryos to transfer with Dr. K and we agreed on transfering two of the blasts from Lena's group of embryos.  A few minutes after our conversation he said, "Are you sure you just don't want to transfer one?"  I thought in my head, "$3000 a pop?  Yeah... pretty sure!!!"  But I just nodded and said, "I am sure!  I am not afraid of twins!"  We will see what happens and I am excited for Lena that she will have a playmate and a genetic sibling.  Time after time I have found myself wondering if I should guard my heart more.  After all I know from experience that this process can be difficult and does not always result in a healthy pregnancy.  I just feel happy and excited about this transfer and I don't want to taint those feelings with fear.
On Sunday before the transfer we will be leaving Lena with my parents.  (Our first night away from her!)  Then early Monday morning we will be headed to Dr. K's office to get our babies!  I will post details and pictures from our transfer day hopefully soon after. 

Meeting with Dr. K

We have officially begun our next embryo transfer cycle to try to bring one (or two) of Lena's siblings into this world!  I just took my first shot of medicine Thursday night and will be making lots of doctor trips during the next few weeks leading up to our transfer date on November 5th.  Back in the doctor's office on Friday, I just sat there bubbling with gratitude and excitement (such different emotions than previous visits to the infertility doctor) as I waited to be called in to my appointment.  How is it that God has given Dan and I this amazing gift of Lena and her siblings?  My heart yearned for Lena's brothers and sisters who are still frozen in a cryogenic storage tank just a few rooms from where I was waiting.  We feel so blessed, so excited, almost to the point where I wonder if I should guard my heart a bit more... I know after all how brutally disappointing this process can be.  Please pray for us as we walk through this process again.  Thank you friends! 

Getting Ready For Round Two

Dan devoted his body and soul to the yard sale in 100+ degree heat and was still able to maintain a sense of humor.

Our family still has eleven embryos in frozen storage waiting patiently for a chance to grow and be born!  Dan and I definitely don't take this lightly.  I feel the weight of responsibility for their little lives.  We are finally getting ready for our next frozen embryo transfer (FET).  We are not sure about the timing yet.  We prefer sooner (especially Dan) but don't want to rush things considering how hard it has been for me to lose my pregnancy weight.  We are thinking somewhere between this November and February.  Regardless of the exact date, we are excited at what God will do to grow our family and feel ready for the challenges that the FET process can bring:  i.e. daily injections, waiting, two hour drives to Dr. K's office, more waiting, bed rest, more waiting, lots of blood withdraws, waiting some more, the excitement of anticipation, the fear of disappointment and loss, and... medical bills.  As familiar as we are to the FET process this time it will be decidedly different.  After having Lena we have hope that this process works.  We have a realistic perspective (from experience) in also knowing that the FET process sometimes doesn't work.  I am not working full-time except as a wife and mother which is far less stress!  We are now on one income and have less insurance coverage for our procedures.  We have Lena.

I made 20 loaves of bread to sell at the yard sale. (Banana walnut streusel, banana chocolate chip, lemon poppy seed, zucchini spice, and zucchini walnut spice)

One of our first steps we have taken towards our next FET (besides getting back in shape) is raising money for our meds ($500+ a pop), FET costs ($2200), and other associated medical expenses (unknown just yet).  Our frozen storage fees ($600 per year) are also due in the fall.  This past weekend we held a two day "Shack Adoption Yard Sale" and we were able to raise $1501 towards our adoption expenses - and in 100+ degree heat!  It was amazing and touching to see so many of our friends and family help us by donating items for our sale, shopping the sale, helping to run the sale, etc.  My parents helped watch Lena and organize the sale at their house and sweat buckets moving boxes and tables etc.  What was also great is that we were able to talk to so many people about embryo adoption and share our story with them.  When our kids get older I am going to love telling them how much people prayed for them and worked for them to be born.  They were loved and served by so many before they were ever a few days conceived!  I get emotional just thinking about what a miracle Lena and her siblings are and how privileged Dan and I are to be their parents.  I can only pray that by God's grace more of Lena's siblings will be born to join us on this earth.  Let's get this party started!

Adoption FET Booty - and we also sold our 2001 Chevy Tahoe at the sale!

(We will be having another yard sale towards the end of September and possibly a photography fundraiser sometime in October.)