Naked Love

Nick and I had a good time. I did learn this trip that he and I could never be together. Not that I was secretly hoping for it, but when you're in bed and you wake and find him on the other side, you do begin to wonder.

During those night hours, when he would find me on my side of the bed and he would roll and wrap his arms around me, I felt nothing. I didn't sigh, I didn't sleep better, I didn't even think I wish I had this all the time. I don't know if I felt this way because it was Nick, or if I generally don't need a man.

Snuggling used to be one of my favorite things. I loved being the big spoon and wrapping myself around a man's back. I loved smooshing my face into his skin until I can barely breathe. I loved knocking his legs apart so I can squeeze one of mine in between so my knees don't touch. For the first time ever, I didn't feel that.

I'm okay with not feeling that.

During a conversation we had Saturday night, Nick explained his Buddhist beliefs. He said he didn't believe in attachment to anything because everything is fleeting. If you attach yourself to anything, you're setting yourself up for pain.

I thought I was cynical.

"But don't you want love? Soul baring love?" I asked.

"Yes, but you have to understand that everything changes. Tomorrow you will not be the person you are today. You have to love in the moment, not the future or the past."

I looked down at my beer: it was beginning to get warm. I guess I do want love, soul baring love. I want attachment and someone who will miss me when I'm not around. Nick was good enough for this weekend, but he's not good enough for life.

Funny, I always thought he was the better one of the two.

Conor

Nick and I are sitting on one of Conor's roommate's beds. It's 4:30 AM and we're back at school visiting old friends. The party had broken up by now, but Conor is hanging out with us because his girlfriend locked him out of his room.

I yawn, "Sleep with us, Conor. You can sleep in the middle. You know you want to sleep with Nick after all these years. It'll be like a burrito."

Conor clicks on a zombie website. "No that's ok."

"Well what are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet." He gets up and stretches and then leans over Nick, "She's really good, you know. Especially when she plays with your balls."

I had been on the receiving end of sex jokes all night. Nick and I hadn't even kissed, but everyone knew what was going to happen. Conor's graphic description mortified me and I grab a pillow and beat him with it. "We're not friends anymore!" I scream. I chase after him and beat him with the pillow until he runs out of the room.

I'm going to have sex Jack!

Nick is currently en route to my apartment. I don't think I've ever had a boy drive through 3 states just to see me before-- that's a nice feeling.

I realized that all my closest girlfriends are virgins, and it makes it hard to talk about sex with them. They are still under the belief that if you really care about someone, the sex will be amazing.

Heh, heh.

I liked the fact that Nick and I were old friends from school. I liked saying that we were college buddies; it felt good that I had a platonic friend that I've kept over the years. In my circle of friends from college, I've pretty much hooked up with 90% of them. Conor and his three roommates, it took me seven years, but they all could compare notes if they wanted to. Oh god, boys don't do that, do they? I've never compared notes when Conor slept with my friends.

And after that last time I saw Nick, he makes one more.

***I'm feeling pretty slutty right now, so I want to stress that we've worked our way through each other over seven years. A lot can happen in seven years; that's close to a decade! Ok so our group is pretty incestuous, but feelings were never hurt. We didn't all cheat on each other and there would be an appropriate lapse of time between relationships to make this look less like an HBO special***

So tonight I'm going to be in room with most of my sexual history. My sexual history is going to drink together, talk together, and take pictures with each other. My history will sing and get drunk and good times will be had by all. But that's a little weird, right?

If I could do it all over again, I probably wouldn't have slept with Nick. I feel like I tainted the friendship with the naked factor. My virgin friends say that I could try to get back to where we were before by not sleeping with him this weekend. However, I feel it's too late. You can't erase the memory. You can't erase what happened.

The way I look at it, I can sleep with Nick again. It would be advantageous to do so because I can get laid without upping my sexual partner count. There won't have to be any weird morning afters and no discussions about where this is going.

I'm going to have sex Jack!

Pants on fire

I didn't know why he kept calling me.

Sure we were old friends from school, but that weekend in December didn't warrant a phone call every week. Between the university days and last December, we would go years without so much as a IM. Now it's every. Freaking. Week.

Maybe I grew bored because the conversations weren't that great. They were at best a step above the weekly calls to the parents. We'd talk about current hobbies and work, skipping any topic that involved emotion, especially anything involving any naked activities. It was an unwritten rule that we wouldn't even discuss the naked activities we partook in with each other. And I grew bored. I felt like whatever we were doing was forced. He didn't want to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad, so he called every week to prove me wrong. "It's okay," I thought. "I understand. You don't have to keep pretending."

Then one day I was driving home from work and his picture flashed on my cell phone. "Eh," I mumbled and I just let it ring. He never quit; he called every week regardless if I picked up the phone or not. Friday, I answered after six weeks of silence.

We worked our way through work and hobbies. I lied when he asked if I still practiced yoga. "Oh yeah, three times a week," I responded. Truth was I hadn't been in a month and my stomach looked more like a tummy. I didn't care. I didn't even mask my blah mood. Had I not been feeling so apathetic, I probably wouldn't even have answered the phone.

Wednesday he called again. I made a mental note that it hadn't been a week yet. I picked up again. This time I was feeling a bit lonely, settling in The Week Where No Worketh Gets Done, and hadn't spoken to a person in days. Then he did it. He mentioned a certain naked activity. "I was thinking about last week when I was describing my physic to you and then I thought, "Sarah's seen me naked!" he laughed.

"Anyways," he continued. "I'm coming to see you in August. Let's pick a weekend."

"Okay sure." I kicked around a blanket on my couch. He's been saying that since February and I've known since May to not expect it.

"Cool. How's August 11th?"

"What?"

"Okay, your choice: August 4th or August 11th?"

"Um," I looked down at my non-yoga tummy, "August 11th."

"Awesome! And can we go to the aquarium?"

"Uh, sure."

"I've been talking about this for so long, I bet you didn't believe I'd ever come."

"Yeah, something like that."

I hung up the phone. He's called the second time in under a week, brought up the unmentioned naked activity, and set a date to come visit. Nick must be horny.

I'm currently checking my Outlook Calendar. I have three weeks to lose 10 pounds. Now what the hell did I do with my yoga mat?

This NYE is going to suck. SUCK!

Nick brought up New Year's Eve today and said that some of his friends are going to spend it in my city and invited him along. Before I got too excited, he told me that he already told someone that he was going to his/her party. Probably a she. I tried to get him to ditch those plans and come see me, but he wouldn't. I knew he wouldn't. He's a man of his word and it's part of the reason I like him so much.

He did say that if it fell through, he would come. So I have like a 10% chance of spending New Years with him. I sort of wish he never told me this. That way I would have never known that there was even a chance. If there was no chance, I wouldn't feel disappointed. I hate feeling disappointed.

***

My date with CB is tomorrow and I'm warming up to him a bit. He wanted me to plan the date and I decided on wings and beer at a place down the street from us. Apparently, he lives right around the corner from me. He seems like a warm person and we've been teasing each other on our talks on the phone so it's going well so far.

Too Many Questions

It's late Friday night. Nick and I have been conversing more, but I'm not going to put any pressure on him about anything. My best friend and my parents have noticed a change in me though. Today, I noticed it too. When I'm happy I sing. I'll make up songs about whatever I'm doing at the moment and I'll sing to the dogs. It's rather silly, but that's how I know I'm happy.

I've been singing for 2 days straight now.

My best friend knew within 30 seconds of talking to me. "You got some. Who's the guy?" He asked. Now my parents are asking me questions about Nick, like how did I meet him and what does he do for a living.

So the situation basically sucks. I genuinely like someone and he returns the sentiment but we can't be together. Hmph.

I'm telling you now this isn't going to be some situation of me pining for some guy who doesn't want to make the effort. I am not setting myself up to get hurt again.

I met a guy at a coffee shop tonight and he likes me. He seems really nice and sweet, but I don't know if I can date someone who makes coffee for a living. Before you say that this is just a stepping stone between jobs, he even said he's making a career out of it and is expecting to get promoted soon. I bust my ass and go to college and finally get a real job and prepare to embrace the world of yuppiedom...and I meet a coffee barrista.

And even though I don't want to admit it, I feel fulfilled right now by Nick. We have no immediate plans to see each other again soon, but we are talking regularly and the sweet memories are still fresh.

Maybe I should go out with C.B. to get over Nick. Should I tell Nick that I have a date? Is this what my life is going to be? Me just dating random people to get over the last one?

I'm so ready for the next chapter of my life to begin, but secretly I'm beginning to think it never will.

Day 3

I awake before Nick and I pad through the house, looking for some IB Profin. I wander in the kitchen looking for both the meds and a coffee maker. I find neither. I pad back to the bedroom and sit in the crevice that Nick created by sleeping on his side. He opens his eyes, looks at me, and smiles. Sigh. I love how he gives me the same smile every morning. I asked where the drugs were and head back to the kitchen and take them.

I wander out of the kitchen and stop in my tracks. For the very first time, I see the view the mountain house has to offer. (It was dark and scary when we arrived.) The sun is just peeking over the mountain and it's absolutely gorgeous. I wrap myself in a blanket and go out onto the porch and sit in the swing and just watch the sunrise.

I was out there awhile. Passingly, I glance back into the house and see Nick standing on the other side of the window. It takes a minute to register so early in the morning and I scream at the top of my lungs and almost fall out of the porch swing. So I'm skitish. I did the same thing last night, only we were in the car and I saw a tree branch. But I swear it looked like a person.

We lay on the couch together watching the sun rise and I open my mouth. "What's going to happen when I leave?"

He said the distance was a problem. It's actually the exact reason he and his last ex broke up a couple of months ago. It was understandable and logical and secretly I knew it was coming. He said he wanted to stay in touch and still see each other throughout the year.

Inwardly I cried. I just broke. I'm a rag doll. Guys use me up and then just throw me away when they're done. I don't know what about me makes me this way, but this is my fate. I had a flash of standing up and truly yell at Nick and take my anger of every man leaving me out on him. Then I remembered we were a good 2 1/2 hours from my car. Instead I wiped away a single tear and became completely resigned to my fate as a rag doll. When he changed the subject, I played along.

Then we slept together. I know how crazy it sounds, but after that news I decided Nick was going to be my official rebound from Mark and we're just going to have fun while it lasts, who knows when another guy will be interested in me? If I had waited on that conversation until afterwards, I would have felt even more hurt and used, but at this junction, I knew what I was getting myself into.

And that's basically what we did all day at the mountain house. I'll spare you the details. We were supposed to go snowboarding again, but it was too warm outside and I was too damn sore.

We broke for lunch and went to a local diner, the only place to eat in the mountains. We were sitting there and I realized that we were so far opposites that we didn't have anything to talk about. On the drive up to see Nick, I thought we could offer each other so much. He could get me more active, and I can show him how to relax. He's into outdoor adventures; I'm into urban adventures. He's the ying to my yang. Once we were alone together, however, I realized we had absolutely nothing in common to talk about. I'd bring up a funny commercial and he would tell me that he doesn't own a TV. We just read the jukebox menu and held hands.

So day 3 into the fling and we've already gone stale.

It gets dark and we drive back to his apartment and eat dinner and hang out with his roommate, another great and upstanding guy. Nick eventually disappears into his room and I hang with the roommate until it's bedtime. Nick has to work in the morning and all of a sudden, I felt like I was in the way. It's a school night for him and he's stressed about work and I felt like I shouldn't have even been there. I had a few drinks in me and I tell him this and offer to drive home, even though it's too late at night.

He grabs me and pulls me to him and says he was just thinking about work, and that he'd be stressing even if he didn't take the day off to spend it with me, but he's glad he did. We spent the night in each other's arms and even though it had been months since I've shared a bed with a man, it felt like that's the only way to sleep.

The good-bye the next morning was very simple and low key. He walked me to my truck and he hugged and kissed and promised to do it again "some time."

I didn't think I'd be upset when I got home, but I am. I have liked him in some form or another for years and I finally got my conquest. I'm pissed. I'm pissed we can't be together and have an actual relationship after mutually waiting all these years. I'm pissed we live too far away. I'm pissed we have nothing to talk about. I'm pissed he turned out to be one more person I want, but can't have. Even with all the problems I brought up, I still like him. A lot.

Because, I swear, when it's just him and me and the silence and the darkness- we do just fine.

Day 2

We had to get up really early the next morning because we had snowboarding plans. I was worried he was going to be like every other guy that you hook up with and pretend nothing happened. But he kissed me good morning and through the drive to the mountains, he kept his hand on my knee.

We get to the mountains and I meet his friend Matt. One thing I always loved about Nick was that he has very cool and sincere friends: Matt was no exception. Matt hung around while Nick tried to get me up and running on the snowboard. Unfortunately, I have no talent when it comes to snowboarding and after a couple of hours, I took a break and let the boys hit the slopes.

Then it happened. The thing I hate most about myself in relationships is that I get pissed at the guy in front of his friends. It's perhaps the uncoolest thing a girl can do and it's inevitable with me. I felt somewhat justified in this scenario though:

I had completely given up on snowboarding for the day and had rented skis where I am a lot more comfortable. This way, I would be able to keep up with the boys and the 3 of us could hang together. I just walk out of the lodge with skis in hand, although I hadn't actually been on them in 5 years. My plan was to do a run down the greenie slope to get reacquainted and then follow the boys. Nick sees me and says simply, "Follow me."

Like an idiot I do. Nick and Matt catch a ride on the lift and I catch the next one by myself. We go about 2/3rds up the mountain and I'm a little nervous. It's a big effing mountain. Then they go up ANOTHER lift that goes to the top of the mountain. "It's not harder," they say, "just longer." Like an idiot I follow them up again. To the top of the effing mountain. And see the biggest effing drop I've ever seen in my life.

They get to the top and fly down the mountain, leaving me up there alone. I tackle it a little slowly and just when I was gaining my confidence, I hit the big drop. I cut hard to the right to slow me down and I check behind me: another skier is heading for the exact place I am. I curse very loudly, cut hard to the left, crossed over under the ski lift into a blocked off path, flip, and slide about 8 feet down the mountain head-first.

It scared the ever-living crap out of me. I just laid there in the snow, too stunned to move, and a man riding the lift above me shouted down and asked me if I was okay. I was fine, but I was shaking and scared shitless.

Then it hits me: where the eff is Nick? He is actually taking his second pass down the mountain and shouts to me if he should bring my lunch up to me. He meant it completely innocently, but I psyched myself out and can't figure how to get down this effing mountain. I drive 2 states to see him and he's off with his buddy, riding the lifts and slopes with him; I'm all alone. And I got pissed. I made it halfway down the mountain, almost in tears, and I saw him slow down and wait for me. I didn't smile, shot him an "eat shit"glance from behind my sunglasses, and chose another route down than what he was on.

I got down the mountain, took my skis off, and headed towards the lodge. I just needed to sit and calm down so I could stop shaking. Eff if I was going to tell him where I was going. I think Nick told Matt what happened and they were also headed towards the slope I took down, intercepted me, and offered to break for lunch.

I was quiet at lunch until Nick asked if I wanted to kick his ass. The situation was diffused. When we went back out, I told Nick to go with Matt, and let me do some passes down the greenie slopes, but to meet up with me later and actually do some runs with me and keep pace with me. I came down the mountain and I saw him sitting in the snow, watching me. I pulled up right to him and just when I was about to do a cool stop...I fell.

He was waiting for me.

Since my little episode I was a little worried that I had ruined things with us. But as soon as we we're alone again, he wraps his arms around me. We got in his car for another long ride to his mountain house. I immediately find his jacuzzi and fill it up and get in. I'm pretty banged up and I see some gnarly bruises forming. Nick comes in the bathroom and I ask if he wants to join me. He disappears, returns with a single candle, shuts off the lights, and gets in. And he gets friendly. Very friendly. I didn't reciprocate because I didn't want it to end up sex in the tub. He becomes quiet and I assume he's relaxing or meditating. Except after the tub, he can't stay still and paces around the house.

He finally settles on the couch. Without speaking, I make some tea, grab my book, and settle on the couch across from him and begin to read. After a few pages I steal a glance at him. He's watching me and he has the slightest smile. It melts my heart to think about it. Still silent, I close my book, grab the blanket, and crawl right on top of him and lay down. He strokes my hair for a few minutes and asks me if I'm upset. I tell him I'm not and I ask him the same.

"Why do you ask?"
"Simply because you asked me."
"Fair enough. No, I'm not."

He proceeds to tell me that he got pissed at me in the tub for not reciprocating, but he's over it. "I'm here now," I respond and he seems okay with this answer.

So day 2 into this fling and we already had our first fight. This can't be a good sign.

A world wind relationship in 72 hours

Sigh.

I miss him.

This sucks.

I got up there Saturday afternoon and it was still pretty awkward. Granted we haven't seen each other in over a year. He wanted to go to bed around 9 because we had to get up at 5 am. We were sitting on his bed and he said, "Oh, I guess I should ask you... do you want to sleep on the couch?"

I put my head down and smiled, "No."

He smiled too and I quickly asked if that was a problem. I got the same "no." We laid in bed and just couldn't sleep. When he talked to me, he'd whisper. I asked why he whispered in his bedroom at 9 at night and he said that it makes the conversation "more intimate," and then I knew why everything between us was so awkward.

Sexual tension.

We laid there all night and talked on and off and quietly moved closer to each other. At 4 am, I couldn't stand it anymore and I kissed him. And broke the sexual tension. We finally fell asleep from 4:45 to 5 am.

He showered and let me sleep until 5:20 and when he came to wake me up, he laid on top of me, called me "Sunshine" and kissed me. And I knew this wasn't just a 3 1/2 hour trip for a booty call. I knew I was in trouble.

To be continued...

Insert Witty Title Here

Will called me a couple of weeks ago and told me he broke things off with his girlfriend and wanted to go out. I think I just laughed nervously and hung up the phone. I'm not good with turning people down.

Nick, I have such a crush on him. We made plans for me to drive up and spend this weekend with him. He has a slight southern twang- I forgot he had that, or maybe I never realized it before. For some strange reason, I'm largely attracted to a man based on his voice. If I don't like it, I'm not attracted at all. He left me a message yesterday and I listened to it twice. He has a North Carolina accent, not a below-Atlanta Georgia accent. It's sweet.

When we talked on the phone last week, it was very awkward. Long pauses with nothing to say, and all my intelligence was absent during the conversation, leaving me blanking on the most obvious cliches. I do that when I like someone, I become very stupid. Maybe awkward is good? I'm very excited about this weekend.

It's all over

I'm completely over Mark. I knew this when I was going to visit some friends last week and I was able to listen to Josh Kelley. He and Mark are friends and I bought his new album probably about an hour before we broke up. I've been holding onto the CD, but I haven't been able to listen to it yet. Last week, I put it in and really enjoyed it and didn't get upset at all.

According to Sex and the City, it takes half the time you were together to get over someone. We were together a year, but I think 3 months is a sufficient amount of time. Long enough to not be scary to any new prospects. I think it's sad that you can get over and live without someone. After the break-up, you feel like you shouldn't be able to live or breathe, but you do. Do we ever really need someone? Is there someone we can truly not live without? The longer I live, I think the answer is no. You find someone and you form a partnership, almost like a business deal, to go through life together and to be each other's supports. Have children if desired. It's a sad way to look at life and love, but I think that's what it is.

I spoke to Nick again today, we were talking about our upcoming vacation together. I haven't seen him in over a year, probably closer to 2 years. It will just be the 2 of us going skiing and snowboarding, probably the longest amount of time we spend alone together ever. I'm looking forward to it. I hope he does like me- we're going to be sharing a hotel room and everything. I don't know about any longevity though. Nick is Jewish and I'm not and I don't know how important that is to him. We'll see. I guess that's the only thing I can say about the whole situation- we'll see.

Olive Juice

I've got myself an old fashioned crush. Nick invited me to go to his parents' cabin in NC and go skiing this season. At first it was great: getting excited over a guy and flirting back and forth. I smiled more and I was more motivated to work out. I figured that if the crush brought about these kinds of changes in me, then it was a good thing and I was just going to go with it.

Two days later and I'm anxious again. Probably from overthinking. I've know Nick for 3 years and all of sudden my feelings change. Has his? Had we always been flirty, or is this a new development? How do I change the vibe when I see him? Will I have to make a move? I'm not very good at that. He's always been so sweet to me and goes out of his way for me. Is he like this with every girl? Am I special?

I've always been extremely attracted to good manners. I often mistake good manners as someone liking me- I can't tell the difference between someone with good manners and someone trying to make an impression on me. Usually it ends up with me feeling like an ass.

What if we do get together? Is he just going to run over me too? Can I do anything to stop it? How do I protect myself without looking like a damaged crazy person?

My mind is racing and I'm generally anxious again. Those once happy feelings are gone. I'm just going to can this crush and stop this while I still can.

Then it comes to dating

I'm ready. I think I'm ready. At least for a rebound or a blind date.

I thought I would outgrow the whole I'm attracted to guys who just want to be friends and guys who do like me I wouldn't be seen in public with. I guess I should be comforted in the fact that some things never change. Ugh. This is my life!

Guy #1: Shep. Shep was a really nice guy I met through my public blog. He lives a couple of hours away and he seemed really nice. Nice is good. Forget everything else, I want a nice guy. Then he loses his game and begins revealing all these hideous things that you wait to tell people. TMI. He's lonely. It's been awhile since he had sex. He joined something called Adultfinder where he can meet up with people for casual sex.

He thinks I'm pretty.

I want to tell him that for future girls, he should watch his diarrhea of the mouth, and to stop talking to me!

Guy #2. Will. I went to high school with Will. We were good friends and nothing more, I wasn't attracted to him and we're in different financial classes. My family doesn't keep broken cars parked in the front yard. His does. He finds me through Myspace and tells me some really wonderful things. He can tell by my writing that I haven't changed, and this is a good thing. He loves my smile. Such nice things that I cried when I read them.

He tells me that he wants to meet for coffee. Whatevs, sounds fine. Then he tells me he's dating someone, but wants to go out with me. He feeds me these cheesy lines that I fell for once before with a different guy. I know now that one such creature spits those lines to every girl until he hits gold. Will is out. Will also needs to stop talking about himself so much.

Guy #3. Nick. Nick and I met in college. I was dating one of his friends. Nick actually tells me that I'm too good for the guy I was dating. Guy I was dating actually was the line spitter. I think there was a mutual attraction with Nick and I, but we were always dating someone else. Nick e-mails me this weekend. We're both unattached and yet it doesn't go anywhere beyond flirting.

Dammit!