From a Once-Ghost to a Now-Ghost

My support worker suggested that I might find it helpful to write a letter to my 12 year old self whose mother sent her to live with her (abusive) father after a fight.

Everything in the letter below is true and accurate as my perception of the events (and I'm fairly sure, true and accurate as to the facts as well), although I did take slight creative licence on the ages as I won't actually be 30 for another two weeks. My niece, though, really is 12, and does shout the same thing I told my mother.

This is, at this stage, still a first draft. I promised my support worker I wouldn't edit the original minus small rearrangements until after she had read it, and I find that after such an emotional outpour, I'm reluctant to reread and edit just yet. I wanted to share it, anyway, though.




You are twelve years old, a ghost and a memory, but that doesn't stop you being here with me. You view me as a wisp, an ethereal image hazy with what might be but I can see that you are a stamp of yesterday as indelible as octopus ink. You are in my eyes, and under them, in the depths of who I am. You will be changed, soon, by a moment that falls heavy around your shoulders even as it darts away.

When it happens, you will know that nothing will ever be the same, but you won't know how much this moment will become part of you. You won't know that for another 15 years, when you will revisit this moment in the hospital, undressing yourself and folding the adult part of you on the chair for later. Nakedly you will tell the nurse how it feels to be vulnerable and left to his mercy.

You will remember what you shouted, and you will remember slamming the door. You will remember the first time you ever heard her swear was that day, and she was calling you a bitch. You will remember the terror you felt when you realised she was calling your father, and you will remember begging her not to send you away. You will remember that you heard your little brother plead your case, and though you won't remember her reply, you will remember the tight way she speaks, and the sinking of that balloon of hope in your chest as she gets on the phone and tells him to come and get his daughter.

Unaccountably, you will remember the day when you were small and one of your brothers had placed a sandwich into the VCR. You will remember another phone call, to the Police (or so you still believe), and the certainty with which she tells you all that they are coming to fingerprint and take away the guilty party. You remember knowing it wasn't you, deducing it was one of your brothers and not knowing which. You remember you begged them each separately to confess, that you would not be torn through the middle; two magnetic poles no longer touching. Years later, when you remember that other moment, you will remember this one, and you will also remember that picture in your mind, of a small face peering out the back of a terrifyingly large vehicle. In your dreams, that face will be yours.

You won't remember whether it all happened slowly, as if you are stuck in time; or if the inevitability of it all sped you through to its conclusion. You won't remember what this fight was even about, but you'll remember that you didn't mean what you shouted and you both knew it.

You will remember her giving you a bag and telling you to pack your things, and you'll remember only that you sat stiffly in the car, cradling your stereo, and that you cried the whole way to your father's.

Years from now, you will remember, also, some of the aftermath as well, like the day your mother tells you she has antidepressants now. By the time you are 14, you will know this is your fault, and she will confirm it.

By then, you won't remember whether you gave any thought to the friends you left behind, but you will discover that when you return, most of them will remember you. Some of them will reclaim you, but Kylie, with whom you shared a birth month and with whom you were close, will never forgive you for leaving her behind. You won't mind because you aren't the same girl anymore, but you will regret the bullying that follows as she gradually steps up the levels of violence.

Still, you will survive and you will believe you are mainly unscathed. You will believe for many years that your mother is the good one. You will believe that all of this will disappear, fade into the background of who you are. You will believe that it is all your fault.

You will believe it, but it won't be true.

You are twelve years old. Twelve. You don't know it now, but when you are 30, you will have a 12 year old niece, and you will see in her the same streak of independence you had at her age. You will hear her shout those same words to her father, to her mother, to her grandmother... to you. You will see past them and know that they are words that come from a place of anger, but mostly from a place of hurt and confusion.

You will know that if anyone tries to send her away, it will not be her fault, and it will not be a reflection on the value of that 12 year old girl trying to make her way in a world that is often confusing and scary. You will know beyond any doubt that she is beautiful and amazing and wonderful, and that even when she makes mistakes, she is still all of those things.

You will know that no matter what the world throws at her, she will always have value. At 30, you will begin making connections between that 12 year old and the you that was 12. You will write yourself this letter, and in the writing, you will begin to let go of the shadow that has followed you for 18 years, because you will begin to see that at 12, you are still a child. At 12, you are a child who cannot be responsible for the actions of an adult. You are not the cause of your mother's illness, and though you may have exacerbated it without knowing or intending that, it is still not your fault.

You are twelve years old, a ghost and a memory, but that doesn't stop you being here with me. You have been changed by this moment, and you will be changed by many more that are to come, until you become the 30 year old writing this letter. You will look in the mirror one day and though your hair is greying and your skin wrinkles like unironed sheets, you will see, still, the stamp of who you were; the stamp of moments; lived, loved and regretted; all over the solidity of who you are.

The Power Of Words

Everything about me seems to contradict itself at the moment. I'm restless, agitated... but I feel so exhausted, so heavy and slow. I feel like I'm two people all the time. It's not awful, I'm not suffering terribly or anything like that, but it is very uncomfortable. It may be a side effect of starting the Lexapro or it may be unrelated.. at this stage, the cause doesn't matter (because it's not appropriate to try and fix it just yet). I'm learning to TOLERATE my discomfit, and that's important.

A few days ago, at my appointment with Carol, I handed over a couple of poems and blog posts I had printed for her. One of the posts was the one I wrote about perhaps exploring my memories and the other was the post I wrote as I recognised that my child-self was an actual child. While she read the older one, Carol reached for the tissues. "Oh, [dawni]," she said. Just that, twice. "Oh, [dawni]". She wiped at her eyes and finished reading before we discussed what was written. I, naturally, couldn't remember much of what was written, because I tend to dissociate myself somewhat from my own expressions. (Actually, I suspect I might sound somewhat snobbish or pretentious when I write, and so I am very anxious about the idea of someone reading it and thinking of me in that way.) In the end, Carol read the entry aloud. I forgot the words I had used. I hadn't realised the power my own words held.

I don't know if my words hold as much power for others, but that session strengthened my resolve to write my story. I started some time ago, small snippets, but I allowed the project to fall by the wayside. "Why", I kept asking myself, "would anyone be interested?" It wasn't until this week that I realised, really realised, that it doesn't matter if nobody else is interested. I want to write my story for myself. It will be hard, and it will take me a long time, but there is so much I can gain from 'speaking' my story.



Cheerleading and Challenge Statements:
Everything I feel right now is okay, but what I choose to do about those feelings is up to me.
I am not a bad person.
If I can put my stuff aside in order to help someone I care about, then I can put my stuff aside in order to help myself in the long term, too.
It's okay to feel unsettled. I can tolerate that, and eventually it will ease.
I have the knowledge, the ability, the skills, to cope with anything that comes my way.



I'll see you tomorrow for Sanguine Saturday. Until then, take care of yourselves, and may we all find our own small fences along the way.