"These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends"

I WANT TO DIE

Silence is the Perfectest Herald of Joy

First post this year! Short one tho coz im sleepy edy.

The title of this post is actually a quote out of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing. I remember it very well coz we staged this play when I was in Form 3, the year we won Best English Drama and Best Props (I was assist Props Leader.. yass). And I guess the influence is obvious coz its my sign off at the end of every post in this blog. 

However the real point I want to make tonight is that, I havent been listening to any music nor the radio on my drives to and from work for the past 1 month (BFM or Traxx usually). Hence no “now playing” to begin this post either. I’ve been driving in silence, not coz i dont like music coz thats just ridiculous especially for me, but i just feel serabut otak u know about stuff (work and people), and the silence is lovely. This happened to me before more than a year ago.. so its nothing new, just another one of my weird phases. Altho its interesting (and dangerous) to note that I now watch netflix while driving. Ohmagerd. It has to be sitcoms tho coz then I dont have to pay attention too much. Pray I dont get into accidents for this. Sometimes I watch the NBA playoffs while driving too. Go Warriors. Im in it for KD but he’s not in the pic anymore sigh. 

Headspace and Shocks

Music: Balisong by Rivermaya

Hey. Don’t know if you will ever read this, and I’m too shy to say this out loud, not one for mush words, thanks for helping me clear my head, for spending the time today, meant a lot to me. I know now, the simple truth is, I care too much. I hope you know and see that. Actions speaks louder, right? 

Mundane Much

Music: Pray by Sam Smith

Been trying to sleep for about an hour, seems futile though. Slept less than 7 hours on average this week coz ive been doing work every night and sleeping late. Today I purposely woke up late and went to work at 10–ish. Nobody cares really lol, as long as i get my work done. I love it that nobody is a busybody at work, especially on my comings and goings. As soon as I arrived at my desk, two colleagues appeared at my desk, they probably didnt realize i just came in haha. Spent the whole morning then in discussions and updating people on work and progress and what not, quite productive i’d say. Went to lunch with a dear old friend who works in the same building, someone whom i can talk to about stuff, be stupid and intellectual at the same time. Came back early, since i promised one of the bosses to submit some work by 3pm. Spent the rest of the day doing work even tonight after i got back home. Have more work to complete in preparation for Monday’s discussions. Ok this is getting boring, talking about just work.

Dear old friend asked me what is my dream job. It was a revelation to me that I could not answer that question. I have nothing specific. But in general, I don’t want to work in an office.. and i’d like to be able to travel a lot, but it still has to be doing something I enjoy, truth be told I hate traveling for work tho. Friend asked what about working for an NGO. Firstly, its a given that it has to be for cause I believe in. Secondly i must like the job, if i had to meet lotsa people or do lobbying work or be reponsible for raising money, I wouldn’t like it very much i suppose. So yeah, still have no idea what I want. I guess I really would want to work overseas tho. It looks/seems greener. Operative word being “seems”. Won’t know for sure if it’d be that great. I’d be somewhat lonely I suppose. But nothing I can’t handle, i’ve been for the most part lonely all my adult life kot. Even now. And at this very exact moment, I do have a strong feeling to leave everyone behind. Just do my own thing somewhere far away, where I won’t feel guilty for not being reachable on whatsapp, coz i turn it off sometimes when im feeling like i dont give a shit (mostly work related). Haha.

Maybe I should do exactly that on my upcoming trip. Just ignore all texts unless its sth that really needs replying. I can for sure ignore work stuff coz boss knows im traveling. But he hasn’t approved my leave yet!!!!

Urgh really boring post. And I sound like a boring person too. Why am I even writing.

Samarium Shenanigans

Music: Two Sleepy People by Art Garfunkel

Know what I love? When the universe conspires and brings forth unexpected coincidences.. i'd smile to myself, my own little secret, the experience unique and mine alone to enjoy..

So over the weekend I started watching netflix's Daredevil, for reasons I couldn't fathom myself. I started following my big boss on twitter and turns out he's a fan of the series. That made me want to watch it too (but only after being reassured by the high ratings). It intrigued me why the boss likes the show, its like getting to know him outside of work and meetings. Its like getting to know him personally without actually getting literally personal. Anyway, that's not the story here. The show's good but a bit draggy, so after scrolling netflix aimlessly then I decided to finally start watching House of Cards. I've heard too many people giving rave reviews about it, and of course the ratings were superb. Started on Tues, which was 2 days ago.. and now I'm almost done with S2. That's 22 hours of watching tv in 60 odd hours, considering I have to sleep and eat and go to work and what not. I'm effin hooked! If I had to compare, the drama is as good, if not much2 better, than The Good Wife. And its amazing coz the high expectations I had from the high ratings did not make the show any less good. Its that awesome!

The coincidences I spoke about... so the US midterm elections was yesterday, I know vaguely it was happening.. but watching a political drama about congressmen and the senate and the house.. I could somewhat understand and appreciate the midterm elections, not the results, but rather its significance, at least when it comes to the states' political sphere. Its a no brainer that I've also had to read up about the political setup of the US government and congress, to understand the importance and position of the characters in the show. I'm currently attending a 3-day course, and today's session started with a short overview of the energy market.. I asked a lot of questions, and one of them being the difference between FERC (which I know of) and NERC (which I didn't know prior). Then today, after my run (btw I have to run 30km this month for a virtual charity run that I joined organized by UMP), the episode that I watched was dealing with an energy crisis! Of course there were mentions of FERC.. which made me so excited, I know its a kinda geeky of me to get excited over a regulatory body mentioned in a show.. but its the coincidence really. And what is more nerdy of me is that, the energy crisis in the show centered around solutions and drama that involved nuclear plants.. and whats funny is that they used samarium in the plot! Okay you might not understand why this is funny hahaha. But its hilarious because Sm is not a nuclear fuel! Its at best a neutron absorber because of its very high cross section.. But its not even the main element used in control rods. Its an element that is more associated with the fission byproducts of nuclear fission in a reactor. I dunno why the scriptwriters chose Sm though when uranium would have been the more realistic choice. I can get all technical here and say even if Sm is really an important material for nuclear plants, it wouldn't have solved the energy crisis that was going on, because its not like other fuels such as gas or coal, when procured it can be used straight away at power plants. But what I love is that, the whole plot was so confident in its delivery, that people who don't know any better (i.e. the average people who has no idea about nuclear power plants and its fuel and what not) just takes the whole thing at face value. These people probably thinks Sm is the main fuel for NPPs. I find this all very hilarioussssssss. Yeah I'm such a nerd sometimes.

On a slightly different note, I've learnt so many new words and terms since watching the show! LOL at the things I get excited about, huh. oops another giveaway that I'm such a nerd (sometimes). But with my withering brain cells, I don't think I'd remember half the new words I've learnt.. but its still good, the next time I come across these words, I'd just look up the meaning again, and with enough times of doing that, I'd commit them to memory sooner or later right.

Haven't had much sleep since I started this binge.. It's been a while since I truly marathoned any show in the truest sense. Mind you House of Cards is on its sixth season now, with a total of more than 70 eps to date... I'm on 20 something ep.. 50 to go and I can't wait to watch them all! 5 years is a bit late to start but better late than never right. I'm happy with this distraction, takes away the sadness and the resigned feeling I've been grappling with since last week. But that's another story for another time, not tonight.  

Meet micro motives

Music: Maybe Tomorrow by Stereophonics

Its been a while since i found anything interesting that really makes me stop and think. Then today, i came across an article on “micro-motives”. Its basically understanding the little subtle things about ourselves, our motivation, our way of thinking, our own little drivers.. that makes us fulfilled, content. And why the need? To find our best self, to find that specific thing that would make us happy.. and hopefully lead to our success in whatever, by our own terms and definition of achievement. And how to figure out our micro-motives? By observing other people, which leads to that first impression and judgement that we all have of everybody around us.. but the focus is not on these people that we observe and judge, but on the judgment that we make, especially that first split of a second, coz that would reveal things about ourselves that we may have never paid attention to before. Ive said in my previous post that i’m extremely self aware.. but now this article is suggesting that i can make use of that self awareness in a different way.. and get more out of it. In my never ending quest to find fulfillment (ive been stagnant and unsatisfied for quite a while now, looking for the next thing to keep me growing and focused, basically im drifting and been in a rut and clearly already in the danger zone of complacency), this could probably help direct my search in some way. Nobody and nothing gets me excited anymore. The bar that I unconsciously set keeps getting higher i suppose.. i meet new people i get new projects but they’re just not enough and satisfying.. im so bored all the time, its getting harder to impress myself. Maybe, just maybe, if i can deep dive on my micro-motives and understand myself better, i can get rid of this utter laziness and lack of motivation thats been pervading every cell in my body, and then finally, hopefully, find my groove again. 

The Social Animal

Music: Let It Go by James Bay

Last weekend i decided to go to Tokyo, solo of course, it was a last minute decision. Because there was free wifi all over the city and subway, I was pretty much updating live my trip on IG story. I started thinking why I do it though. As always, I like to think back about my actions.. I’ve developed a certain habit of self-evaluating myself, the things I do and say, the way my thoughts form and evolve in both the most interesting and mundane situations happening around me. Lets just say my level of consciousness about myself is quite well developed. I find that it helps me to be a better person as well as understand myself better, which always give me an opportunity to improve myself if I find my actions wanting. Anyway, back to my live updates.. I saw two possible main reasons.. firstly is the obvious fact that I could do it coz of the free wifi. Secondly, i think its because of the precise facr that I was traveling solo (and it becomes more empahsized because people weren’t as friendly in a metropolitan like Tokyo, locals and foreigners alike). Because I am a human being that do need to socialize every now and then, it probably felt like the only way I could socialize would be through IG, albeit somewhat a one way interaction. I could actually come to this conclusion because, if I had travelled with another person, I wouldn’t have updated so much (this I know through experience of course). So whats the point of this observation though? I learn that its not something I particularly enjoy that much, live updating that is, but its not like I dont like it either. I guess part of me just wanted to share my experience. And then one might ask, why do you go solo travel then if you say u need to share, or need human connection for that matter. Well solo travel is wonderful in its own way, which I’m not gonna go into now. I guess it would have been different if I traveled to a friendlier place, and I’m forced to make my own human connections with the strangers around. But because I had the option of making those connections through IG (again coz of the free wifi everywhere), I unconsciously chose to do that instead. Why I dont particularly enjoy it much is because it does distract me from my surroundings. Social media does that really. And internet connectivity. And yet one of the underlying reasons I go travel is to detach myself and just be in the moment, absorb my new experiences and surroundings, a stimulation of the mind in a different kind of way (diff coz the  mind is also stimulated when doing work and solving problems at work).

Oh and another new thing I learned about myself, more like how I have evolved.. cityscapes is really not my thing anymore. I need more nature. I actually planned to hike nearby Mt Fuji but alas it rained a lot  the weekend I was there, hence I had to forgo my hiking plans. Oh well.. lets just say I wont be going to Tokyo for a while, maybe the entry point to somewhere else but thats it.

P/s: I’m currently reading a book titled The Social Animal by David Brooks. Lol. 

Helplessly crumbling

At least 10 earthquakes with magnitudes between 5-7 occured in Lombok in the past 24 hours.. It feels like the earth is crumbling. Only God knows how the people there must be feeling.. I can’t even imagine. Its been 3 weeks since I was there, what’s happening there affects me more than I thought it would. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel helpless. Guilty even, if that makes sense.. But life goes on.

I wanna sleep but I’m wide awake. Not sleepy. Anyway, was thinking about what I was thinking last night. I believe I found the guy that my friends described. Pains me deeply that my feelings for him doesn’t matter, coz he feels nothing towards me. As James Hetfield would say.. sad but true. Why do I let myself get hurt over and over again, is beyond me. Its like I never learn. And Brandon keeps on telling me.. love hurts. 

Dull Aches

Wish i had someone who truly cared about me, apart from the family of course. Not talking about love too, or boyfriends or husbands or whatever. Probably more like a real friend whom i can i really talk to about everything and anything, with no judgements. Someone i can be 110% comfortable with. Someone who truly knows me (save God, i know).  But its really unrealistic for a human being  to know another to the depths i’m talking about, i suppose. I can’t say that for myself either. Wishing for the impossible, here.

Anyway, what gives? I just watched 2 chick flicks tonight, that’s the reason. It was also heartwarming and lovely to see so many of my friend’s friends that came to see said friend off at the airport earlier tonight. I know for a fact, none of mine would be there if I were to leave the country. But who’s fault is it really. Not that i’m blaming anyone. Its my own doing really. I’ve always been the lone ranger type who does whatever i fancy, and I’m not the kind of person who does friendship maintenance, if I can put it crudely. So i dont expect anyone to be there for me either. One thing’s for sure, I may appear heartless and nonchalant, but behind all that.. i’m as normal as the girl next door lolz.

Funny story. Totally unrelated to my rants above. On Friday, me and some colleagues all girls were chillin and talking about sooo many random stuff.. and then suddenly they were spewing all these criteria of the guy who’s gonna end up with me (if there’s any, ever), or more like what kind of guy that I would like and fall for, that would be worthy of me, in their own words. So in a gist, the guy has to be smart/clever, sporty and fit, likes to travel, good english, independent (and lets me be independent), talented, fair/chinese look. I was laughing throughout! So what should I deduce from this ‘observation’? Its really a reflection of me, isnt it? Or what they think of me. Tough.

Skydiving. I have a feeling i’m gonna do it soon. 

Sleepwalker

Music: I’d Rather Go Blind by Etta James

Its been a fast-paced and meetings-laden past 3 weeks, crazier than usual. Not sure if im experiencing burn out, but i am tired nevertheless. Learning about oneself is a life-long process. I might be different before, but at this much older age, I don’t think I’m cut out for this kind of situation. Busy sometimes is ok. Makes me feel useful. But too long and I’ll be like, fuck everything. Thing is I can’t just drop stuff. Responsibilities and amanah warrants me to trudge on, adulting sucks. I guess this is just a natural progression, I am being paid to do these things, to make decisions, to take responsibility, to lead.. while being led. I saw my big boss’ schedule for the next 2 weeks, its freakin’ crazy. How do these top people sustain? How are they ‘on’ all the time? How do they juggle? How can their brains work constantly? Being in the position I’m currently at, i’m still learning the ropes. There’s alot of managing people to do, taking advantage of relationships to get work done, maneuvering my steps and words, networking, its so tiring. I’ve been talking too much with too many people these days, I miss the days I need only care about operations and technical stuff to get the job done, when human factors and interactions are minimal. I wanna do something I love, but I got no guts. Stable income is not something I’m willing to forgo. I’m utterly fearful of losing money. I can take all other risks except when it comes to money. Its not that I’m living the high-roller life.. just that, I’m safe. Wow I’m rambling already.

At this point, I just wanna retreat into my cocoon. Many times I just want to shut off my phone and be off grid. Disappear, totally. I need to recharge, I guess. Turn my brain off. Managed to do it in bits and pieces though. Watched 4 eps of Billions today to finish off the season. I’ll take it haha. The Good Place has been cheering me up too! Can’t wait to binge S2. I think the next few weeks will be okay though. The busyness should subside and I’ll be at the normal more palatable work pace again, here’s to hoping.

An opportunity presented itself last week when I was talking to a friend’s sister about her travel business, and her plans for expansion. Is the universe talking to me? Trying to nudge me in a direction that could possibly give me a more satisfying and happier life? I’ve talked a lot about ‘leaving’, but do I really dare venture into uncharted territory, at least where I’m concerned? Or am I just going to stay complacent? The very thing I try to avoid getting sucked into, I’m aware, I’m conscious about it, but what am I doing to not fall into the trappings of being too comfortable and stagnant? Brain so mushed up, I’m all over the place. Indecisions. Uncertainties. Everything’s a blur, I’m sleepwalking through life. I dont’ want to be robot. 

Mild post-earthquake trauma?

Music: If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow

Last Sunday, 29 July 2018, at 6.57am, my new group of hiker friends (from Malaysia) and I were in Senaru Village in Lombok, all ready and prepared to climb Rinjani (was just waiting to have breakfast before we started the hike) when a 6.4 magnitude earthquake happened. Long story short, the climb was cancelled. I will write a longer post and be as detailed as I can on the whole experience later.

But what I wanna talk about right now, with the 20 mins I have before office hours ends, is about what I am currently feeling right now.

Truth be told, I was very fine and calm on Sunday and Monday (yesterday we got home). Just that when I was on the plane home, I looked at a group picture we took during the wait for an anticipated big earthquake (after the first one), and I imagined all of us in the picture dead. Morbid, i know. But I couldn't help it. A tear or two rolled down. Thank god my friends were sleeping.

Today I came to work. Some people asked me questions and stuff. These people came to me and asked. Not once I started the topic or looked for anyone to talk to. Even ran away from big groups. Even CTO was here but I didn't go to greet him. Plus he was talking to someone I wanted to avoid. But anyway, these people who talked to me, I know they don't truly realize how bad the situation I was in, how terrible an experience it was, not that I expect them to. Granted I have also been acting normally like nothing happened, like I just came back from another holiday, explained and recounted what happened like it was just another event thats not significant. Other climbers on the mountain and at Sembalun were affected worst than we were at Senaru, not in any saying what I went through was the worst. It could have been worst, but we were the lucky ones to be spared. Its weird to see everyone being normal going about their lives, yet I have just had this experience that may or may not be traumatic, I don't know how to diagnose myself. My boss was the only person who asked whether I am ok, psychologically. I said I am, of course. I pretty sure I'm okay. But still I have these things I am feeling that I can't quite relay to anyone. I wish someone could relate to my experience. Or reach out to me. I feel rather alone.

I guess this is probably something like returning soldiers from a war zone or something.. nobody can understand them except those who went through the exact same things as they did. I've read a lot that its never a good thing to say to this to someone who's going through rough times, "I understand what you're going through", especially when you're trying to comfort that person. Coz the truth of the matter is, nobody understands what another person is going through. So the best thing to do is just to sit and listen.

Time's up. Can't wait to get home. 

The Cycle

Music: This Feeling by Alabama Shakes

Discovered this song from the series Big Little Lies. Looking forward to the second season and more songs. The soundtrack's awesome.

Some months ago I posted a message on IG story, a personal one, which I kinda regret, in retrospect (reproduced below, for my own amusement when I come back from the future to read my old posts lol). Not regret on the things I said, but rather because I let people read it, those who bothered to see my story anyway. I'm not one that's very public with my feelings. In fact, I'm quite the Oscar winner when it comes to hiding my true emotions (except anger, this one's a bit tricky). But what's the difference with writing in this blog? Nobody really visits this blog ever. Who has time to read blogs for fun, let alone write in one, nowadays? Plus, whomever who reads will forget the minute they move on to other things. That's just how people are. We are not called insan (forgetful) without a reason.

Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up today is because, I'm starting to feel it again. I'm not sure whether having these down-phases is a normal thing that other people also go through, but it is definitely not a stranger where I am concerned. Its becoming increasingly easier for me to identify when it starts to appear though. One of the most obvious symptoms is when I start to yearn to go somewhere. The magnitude of the plans I conjure up in my head serves as an indication on the potential level of "severity" of the approaching down-phase. And this evening during my drive home in the heavy rain, not at all bothered by the traffic nor the fact that I drive a stick shift, with emotions further augmented by melancholy music courtesy of Sam Smith, my mind truly wandered and the travel plans got bigger and bigger, ideas came pouring in as if I'm responding to the thunderstorms, literally. Typically, my mind will be thinking of such a complex web of ideas, where the visions of possible destinations, the silhouette of my yet unknown travel partner (if any), the inexplicable feeling of traveling alone, the mental calculation on costs that would be incurred, the scanning of the best dates and duration of travel which my boss would likely approve my leave, these and many other ideas in my head all at once like fireworks.. explosion in my brain!! It's a wonder how I managed to pay attention to driving. The brain is truly a powerhouse, a miracle worker. Ok I digress.

Another obvious symptom is when I have no desire to socialize, preferring to be alone. Today I didn't go to the office, I did a drive-through punch in at HQ, then decided to go hike, clear my head. Would've hiked longer but alas I didn't eat much the day before nor breakfast this morning and I could feel my face becoming paler by the minute. It does sound unethical of me for skipping work. I justified it to myself though, the day before I diligently did work since morning and through lunch, and up until half past midnight. I was so engrossed I didn't remember to eat or drink. That would make up for the lost work hours today when I played hooky. Then again, after the hike I continued doing work for a few hours, of which the product I am secretly proud of. I think I did a pretty good job synthesizing the important points and takeaways, so all that reading the past 2 weeks trying to make sense of the most complicated capacity market design in the world was not all for nothing.

I guess another symptom is when the tears seems easier to fall given the slightest of triggers. Had to sort out something really gross (insect-related) a couple of days ago. I was extremely freaked out and a good tear or two came down. Then just a few hours ago, was watching a chick flick (Me Before You) which I have already seen before, my eyes welled up like an erupting volcano and I had to resort to changing channels to avoid my mom noticing haha. Funnily enough she wanted to watch the World Cup, and my dad was nowhere to be seen. With my crying disrupted, I still needed to sorta let it all out, watched Victoria & Abdul in my room but wasn't a really good choice to induce any tears.

I hope I can nip this round of down-phase in the bud though. I got a lot of things on my plate the next few weeks, can't afford to have an effed up brain distracting me. Anyhow, yesterday a good friend called me up for breakfast, and the next thing I know, I've officially started giving out my CV to be prostituted haha, and the same day my friend forwarded my CV to her colleague working at one of the big four.

Crack a bottle and take one day at a time.

The Thrill of It All

Music: Nothing Left For You by Sam Smith

A good friend asked me about a month ago. 

“Has he ever made you cry?”

“Yes, once.” I answered.

“Once is enough. Leave him.”

Wise words, now that I think of it. 

No man is worth any tears.

Every song in this album speaks to me on some level, tunes and lyrics alike. A wonderful companion throughout what I’ve just realized has been an emotional journey for me, this past one year. 

God knows how many times I’ve looped the album.

Travel Mania

Music: Where Were You in the Morning by Shawn Mendes

Where do I even start. Haha. Ok this will be just a short entry as I can't wait to start to do some work today (lolwuttttttt). Since last I wrote, briefly mentioned I went to Melbourne, that was during Raya Haji last year.. and then I went all crazy..

East Java & Bali (Dec)
Nepal (Dec)
Jakarta (Feb)
Manila (Feb)
Bangkok (April)
Korea (May)
Adelaide (May)

No plans yet after this. But I don't trust myself to stay put hahaha. This girl is beyond help. 

Weekend Ramblings

3 weeks ago I said its been a hectic one month. And that has continued on until now! I've decided to do nothing this weekend though. It feels a bit awkward having no any plans, but i'm slowly easing into it. There's a lot on my mind at the moment. Probably will rattle on for quite a bit in this post.

I tried this thing called fly yoga. Basically its yoga using "suspended hammock". Really tests my flexibility, which i think is above average considering a normal middle-aged person. Wow I'm already that, middle-age. I'm turning 35 this week. Not sure how that makes me feel. (and Michael Jackson is literally singing "how does it feel..." in the background.. Stranger in Moscow is playing at the moment, haha). You see the instructor showing and teaching the moves and her posture looks great and wonderful, I see myself in the mirror and I look terrible. Cringe in fact! My whole body is sore right now. I've committed for 4 classes this month, once a week. I would be interested to continue doing flyoga, but it costs 40 bucks a class, which is kinda steep if you ask me.

I've been working with TNB's favorite consultant for the past 5 weeks for a particular project. Next week would be their last week here. Quite an experience actually, more on the fact that I have had to run around looking for information and contacting other people. And it kinda surprises me that I somehow manage to find the right people to get data, from the network of friends that I have in TNB, quite a revelation! It definitely has increased my people-engagement skills. Most are actually quite helpful and pleasant, which I'm extremely grateful for! This project has taken more time than I thought it would, a welcome change for a short while, but it also reinforced the understanding I have about myself, I definitely do love doing stuff that's more technical in nature than those related to economics and strategies and all that. At the end of the day, I'm a nerd at heart (ever so slightly! haha). Truth be told, I'm gonna miss these guys a bit I guess. They did say I helped a lot (and appreciate me) and i've been very involved in the discussions, which they say its not always the case with other clients. Dunno if they're just saying it coz I'm a client, but I'm glad if its true. Its not that I am that good or anything, but the way I see it and how I treat any job that comes my way, just give it my best and do it sincerely. You can't be doing something half-heartedly and then expect a good outcome.

Next topic. Bitcoin. I'm trying to slowly understand what cryptocurrency is all about. Its not that easy to grasp what its all about. But only because I am trying to understand the hardware behind it, the technicalities of how it works. This interest has arisen only because of someone else I know. Ahh the things we do... Luckily I have recently became reacquainted with an old friend, who knows more about crytpoes that anyone I know. My go-to source for noob questions.

Now, maybe a recap of the F1 race in Sepang that I went to a few weeks ago. Some comments, SIC really doesnt know how to stage a vibrant and exciting F1 weekend, even after all these years. I make this comparison based on other races that ive been to, namely Indianapolis, Montreal and Singapore GPs. But then again, its expensive to host an F1 race and SIC/Malaysia simply doesnt have the money like Singapore does. The atmosphere is different in US and Canada though because even if these venues probably doesnt spend as much as Singapore, they have an awesome fan base which makes the whole event much more lively. Its different in Malaysia where most people don't really understand or appreciate F1, and I think the same goes for Singapore. But Singapore has the money to make the event lively and fun which makes up for the general lack of enthusiasm for the sport itself, but somehow people are able to come out for the weekend and soak in all the going-ons during an F1 weekend. Its kinda sad that Sepang won't be hosting any more F1 races, but the fact that they started 19 years ago was one of the reasons I got into the sport in the first place. Granted I haven't followed as avid as I was before, but I still do like the sport. However the adrenaline rush that comes with the sounds of V8 engine has dwindled, because of the change to V6 many years back. Used to give me goose bumps!

Ever since I've been promoted to a Senior Manager, I noticed that there has been a rise in the level of confidence in myself. I tend to speak and voice out my opinions better, I am more sure of making decisions. stuff like that. I don't know how or why. But it does show that positions are more than just titles when it comes to the internal psyche. Its quite an interesting revelation actually. But what's more important to me is staying grounded and level-headed and humble.

I am anxious about my application for that job at IEA. Its been 1.5 years since I've registered my interest to the big bosses about this position. I am hoping I get some information soon on whether this is going to happen or not. I am though afraid that I might have too high expectations about this job. What if i become miserable in Paris? Its not something that I think about a lot (about being miserable), but I am aware of the pitfalls of having too grand ideas only to find out its not as good as it looks. Getting this job would kickstart a new chapter in my life so to speak. And I look forward to it. Extremely.

So, I've been hanging out a lot with a new friend. I can't speak for him, but i can see that he enjoys my company, as I do his. Just going with the flow. I'm not sure what he sees in me, sometimes I think why isn't he bored of me already? Haha.

Done rambling for today, wanna go finish read a book now if wanna hit my target of 12 books this year. 

Sickly Busy

Music: Come Away With Me by Norah Jones

Book review
Work Rules! by Laszlo Bock

This guy is the Head of People Operations at Google. Its just a fancy title for what is essentially the HR boss in any company. But Google is not just 'any company'. The methods and activities he described in the book are really interesting, and i like the fact that most of their actions, decisions, policies are strongly data driven and backed by analytics, big data stuff. Data speaks to me. I guess that's why I became an engineer. But maybe its precisely because i was trained as an engineer that i learn to love data. Well, that's a discussion for another day. Anyway, TNB has a long way to go when it comes to effective and quality HR. I have a very strong desire to give this book to a top HR boss in TNB. But I also think it'll be a waste of time, as I see no leaders that I truly respect that would be open to different ideas and way of doing things in our HR division. Oh this entry is not really a book review isn't it. I guess i would have enjoyed the book more if im in the HR line. But it did give me some ideas and advice on how to become a good and effective manager. Applying it is another story, but i hope i am able to in some way or another. Not that I aspire to be a big boss (I'm lazy like that), but I do feel some kind of responsibility to develop the few subordinates that I have. It takes a lot of consciousness to pause, take a step back, look and think, then move forward again with better actions and ideas (as opposed to doing things as usual and automatically, until the change becomes a habit). and the cycle is repeated and its a way to continuously improve ourselves.

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The past one month has been rather hectic. Started with the week-long training in Penang, weekend in Singapore for the Foo Fighters concert, then a week in Melbourne (which was one of the most enjoyable trips ever), dived in straight to work after, nenek at the hospital, dodgeball practices and tournament, lepak sessions with friends and family, weekend hikes, evening runs and strength training.. and all these has culminated into me falling sick, right now. Fever and headache, cold and cough, avoiding my bronchitis attack just barely. 

I'm happy

Music: Redbone by Childish Gambino

Music is significant in my life. For many songs, there is always an association with something, an event, a feeling, a person, a period in my life (good and bad), an emotion. And this one by Childish Gambino just reminds me of how happy I am, then when i first heard it, and now, and the reasons behind it.

My past 10 or so posts (discounting the Iran Chronicles) seems to be very depressing indeed, i guess whenever i feel truly down with no one to talk to, i come here. But let me set the record straight, i'm usually quite happy and contented with my life and where I am, especially right now. Nothing fancy, not that I've achieved great success or whatever, but life's definitely good.

I haven't been writing much (like duh).. I feel like i've lost my flair in writing, not that i was any good before but it has been better, i think. I should write more, just to get back in the groove, and talk about the good instead of depressing stuff. Oh btw, that 'friend' that I thought i lost, is back. I was just being a girl. I overreacted. Damn I need to get my cool back.

Anyway, recent conversations with a friend seems to have (inadvertently) jogged forgotten memories that I never knew I have in me (those in my brain's external hard drive rather than my brain cache, long term memory so to speak). And one of those things is that, I have a blog. So now this what I'll try to do, I'm gonna start writing again, here. Probably will start with the easy ones like reviews on books, series, and movies, but only those that actually piques my interest and makes me somewhat excited and feel strongly about. Then maybe occasionally I'll reminisce episodes of my travels.

I find it hard to believe that i've been to over 40 countries. Sometimes I feel even shy to admit that. Wonder why? Its not a fact that I'd shout about. But sometimes, people ask. And I'd be slightly segan to say. Again, I wonder why? After all these years, I still can't understand myself sometimes. But I have a few good friends who knows me better than I do, whom I can count on for prognosis and diagnosis when I feel blurry and confused.

Enough silly ramblings, I'm gonna get back to watching this brilliant series called Billions. My current marathon, at the expense of my readings, but not my sleep.

Iran Chronicles, Part 4

Note: These Iran Chronicles are actually copied from a series of emails to my friend. But even then I only managed to write until day 4 of the trip, in total i was in Iran for 10 days. I'm too lazy to continue where I've left off, its been almost 2 years. So I guess this will be an incomplete series of my entries on Iran. oh well. Something is better than nothing.

Abyaneh & Esfahan

Day 4 continued

Next it was about 2.5 hours drive to Abyaneh village.. The reason we had to hire a driver and car was because this place was out of the way, while making our way to Esfahan. I slept all the way during the drive. It was super cold in Abyaneh, and the place was literally empty, either that or most of the villagers are hiding inside their houses, hehe.




Inline image 1Inline image 4Inline image 3Inline image 2

Then it was another 2 hours drive to Esfahan. Otw from Abyaneh to Esfahan, we pass through the Natanz area. In case you're not familiar with Iran's nuclear program, Natanz is where their uranium enrichment facility is located at. I've heard stories of tourists being caught or deported right away from Iran when they were caught taking pictures from the bus or the car they were travelling in while passing through this area. I was really looking forward to having a look at the nuclear facility actually, but i ended up sleeping the whole way again, so missed totally missed it. haha. oh well. Sometime during the drive from Kashan to Abyaneh to Esfahan, i was in contact with my host in Esfahan, I gave her number to our driver and vice versa, so they could contact each other since i didnt have a local sim card. By the time we reached Esfahan, we waited somewhere near the bus stop for Mohamad our host to pick us up.

We paid our driver, went to Mohamad's car and we drove around Esfahan. Mohamad is currently doing his Masters in English literature, and the week we were there was his finals, so he was supposed to be studying. hahahahha. but he was kind enough to host us. He told us that when his girlfriend Somy (the original host that I requested to surf with) asked whether he could host us instead because she had guests in her house, he was very excited because we were Malaysians, and instantly agreed. He's a funny guy really, kept saying OMG all the time. Traffic was crazy that night, as always according to Mohamad, what more it was rush hour after working hours.

We decided to drive around Esfahan, while waiting for Somy to finish work at 6pm. By the time we picked her up, we were famished. We havent had a proper meal since morning, only munching on dried apples slices we bought in Abyaneh and a box of assorted nuts (walnuts, pistachio, berries, peanuts) given to us by Hamoon. Infact, our driver actually told Mohamad when he was 'handing us over' that we were very hungry. ahahahha. Mohamad and Somy brought us to the Armenian Quarter, to one of his favorite places to eat roast chicken. It was literally one of the most delicious roasted chicken ive ever tasted. Either that or because we were too hungry to think. It was also freaking cold, and then we found out why. Esfahan is located about 1600m asl! no wonder it was freezin, i couldnt even function properly, it was subzero. initially we planned to walk around the quarter after dinner, then we decided it was too cold to even walk, so we sent Somy home and headed straight to Mohamad's house. He warned us to be quiet, again same like Fatima said back in Kashan, CS is illegal in Iran and so he didnt want the neighbors to find out. He also told us, to greet his parents, and then we move straight to the room. LOL.

So in we went, gave salam to his parents who were watching tv. And headed to his room. Similar to Fatima's house in Kashan, Mohamad's house had a toilet outside the house, and the shower inside the house. I guess its a typical house design in Iran. After freshening up, we went to hangout in the living room, to watch tv and of course, drink tea. Mohamad taught us how to drink tea the Esfahan way. Basically the tea is brewed without sugar, and then they have these golden sugar pieces that you should put in your mouth, and then you sip the tea. Interesting eh. But alternatively, you can also put sugar cubes in your cup of tea like normal.



We spent 3 nights in Esfahan, so I did talk and learned a fair bit about Iran from Mohamad and Somy.

I found out that the media in Iran is very controlled, including the tv shows. So most Iranian subscribe to cable tv which is illegal, but i guess everybody does it. The legal Iran tv is of course those shows and news endorsed by the govt and full of propaganda and all that. Since entertainment such as singing and stuff are not allowed in Iran, most of Iran singers and tv popstars moved to America after the 1979 revolution, filmed their tv dramas and song video clips over there, and these are shown on the illegal cable tv that Iranians subscribe to. There are no karaokes in Iran, and the cinemas show Iranian movies that follow the Islamic rules so to speak.

Mohamad's parents are practicing Muslims. Mohamad said his parents must like my cousin and I very much because we are also Muslims, and we wear the hijab the proper way ,as in not a single strand of hair showing, unlike in Iran where most women just drapes a shawl over their head with hair showing at the front/forehead, mainly because they are only doing it because they are following the bare minimum of Islamic rules in Iran. Of course there were also alot of women who wear proper hijab in Iran, especially in Shiraz, the people there are supposedly more religious, at least thats what it looks like by way of appearance. But to me, appearance doesnt mean everything.

Mohamad said he used to practice Islamic teachings, he prays and has been to umrah, he even said he used to memorize the whole Quran, he understands arabic as well, as he learned archaic arabic in school when he was younger.. but now he said he's disillusioned with Islam. he claims he's an atheist, he doesnt pray anymore, i forgot to ask if he fasts during Ramadhan. The reasons he's not practicing Islam anymore is really disheartening to know, actually. Him, as most of the youth in Iran, are angry with the government. See, the govt imposes these strict Islamic rules of law in Iran, hence so many things are controlled like the media (nothing sexy can be shown, for e.g.), all women must cover their hair, all women must wear lose clothing and the blouses must cover the butt, men can't wear shorts, men and women cannot live in the same house together unless you are family or married, entertainment centers such as karaoke doesnt exist, singing is not allowed, alcohol is illegal, and many more. So these youths feel very restricted and cant enjoy their lives, yet they see all these things on tv and in movies, and also alot of Iranians have been to Malaysia and they compare why Malaysia is a muslim country yet we are free to do alot of things, how we can be an islamic country yet also moderate and kinda secular and we dont have any restrictions like that.. (well we are a multi racial country actually, only 60% is muslim). back to the govt, with them imposing these islamic rules, yet they are also corrupted and actually do these restricted things themselves, at least behind closed doors. Furthermore, because of these restrictions in their way of life which they feel are forcefully imposed on themselves, they have a negative view of Islam. Hence most are only Islam in name, but doesnt practice, just like Mohamad. Its a pity really that it has come to this. The very thing that the govt is trying to achieve (a truly Islamic country) is moving people away from Islam.  You know its human nature that people are more tempted to the stuff they are not allowed to do. But this is not the first time ive heard this. Back in Korea, i attended the Busan International Film Festival, an annual event. I went to see one of the movies directed by an Iranian guy, but the movie was about Palestine. Anyway, after the movie, i went to talk to him a little, but rather than ask about his movie, I asked him about Iran. And the sentiment i got from him is exactly the same as what i got from Mohamad. Youths are angry and frustrated.

I also found out from Somy that appearance and what they do in public is very important. For e.g., on one of the days we were in Esfahan, it was a public holiday (Prophet Muhammad's birthday), so we went out that day with Somy and her friend. Before that, she reminded me not to mention about her having a boyfriend, i.e. Mohamad, to her friend. So, she even had to hide the fact that she has a boyfriend (which she calls her fiance) from her friend. In fact, I also found out that even Somy's family doesnt know that she has a boyfriend, and Mohamad's family also doesnt know that he has a girlfriend. Yet both of them hang out together alot obviously (they met when Mohamad was an english teacher and Somy was a student of his, around 2 years ago). And whenever we hangout with Somy and Mohamad, Somy always had to go home by 8pm because it wouldnt look good to people and her family if she stayed out too late. The youth feel restricted not only by the govt, but they are also 'governed' by the culture and perception of Iranian people, especially the elderly, their parents, their family etc. Somy's friend whom we went out with is currently working towards getting a visa and emigrate to Canada. Because life in Iran is hard and restrictive and all that. Its also hard life for Iranians because of the sanctions, which have been around for 1-2 decades right, meaning for people like Somy and Mohamad, half of their lives have lived under the sanctions.

Mohamad however, preferred Ahmadinejad rather than Hassan Rouhani. He said the former was more vocal and did more action in fighting corruption in the govt when he was President. so in this regard, he was not in the mainstream where most people including Hamoon who did not like Ahmadinejad, not just in Iran but in the world. Mohamad came ot Malaysia before, to take his IELTS test actually, he was here for 2 weeks. He said in the middle of KL, and from his stories he told me, he went to bars and clubs (a famous one where tourists frequent in the heart of KL), his friends even brought back girls to their apartment after their night out (but he didnt, according to him), they drank beer, and he said the girls in Malaysia are very sexy. Well, this really depends on which part of KL, or anywhere in Malaysia you go. hahahaha. He also asked why he saw women (some, not all obviously) in Malaysia who wear the hijab but wear really tight clothes. yes, one of the signs of Qiamah, "women cover themselves but appear naked anyway. Mohamad wants to emigrate from Iran, but of course its not easy, he also needs money, and he doesnt think he has any qualifications to work elsewhere. one time when we came home after a day out with Somy and her friend, we spent a few minutes talking to his Mom, and funnily enough, his mom was pouring her heart out to us about Mohamad, hahahaha. she was worried that Mohamad doesnt want to marry and would not even discuss the issue (Mohamad's sister is married and has a 2 year old kid which is super cute omg). I never told this to Mohamad though. everynight we would hangout in the living room drinking tea and this is usually the time when we would talk. During the day my cousin and I would go sight seeing in town, Mohamad stays at home because he has to study, but at night we'd just talk. One of the nights my cousin slept early, so it was just me and him, and I had to show him my pictures with Somy and her friend secretly because he doesnt want his mom to see (she watches tv in another room where there is a bed that she can lie down, we were in the main living room, but still had to be careful). Mohamad even requested to see my hair. lol. typical requests ive gotten from a few of my non-Malaysian friends. Anyway, Mohamad is really nice and considerate as a person, he was helpful, always picking us up and sending us, helping us buy bus tickets and all that and was a really good host. If he didnt have finals to study for, im sure we would have had more time to hangout around the city. His parents seem to be used to Mohamad bringing back foreigners home because of his couchsurfing activities, haha. Mohamad says he doesnt really like hosting westerners and europeans, and prefer Asians and chinese.

So many things i talked about with Mohamad, but for now this is all what i recall.

Oh there is one thing i forgot to mention. When in Kashan, I told you that Mostafa works as a tour guide right. That week, he was a tour guide for an American. We found out that Americans and British and Canadians are not allowed to travel anywhere in Iran without a registered guide. They can only be on their own in their hotel or wherever they are staying, but the moment they step out of their hotel door, they must have a tour guide with them, its required by law. hahahahahhaha. how interesting!! and how pitiful ;p



How Iranians brew their tea. The pot below is where they boil the hot water. Above the pot, is a smaller teapot where they would brew highly concentrated tea. When the water is boiled, they would pour only a small amount of tea in the cup, and then dilute it with the boiled water.

TBC

Iran Chronicles, Part 3

Note: Made this trip end of 2015

Kashan & Abyaneh & Esfahan

Day 4

Today's story is pretty boring i think. I dont have much to say, and nothing you cant find out on the internet if you're interested to know more about the places I visited. I'll put more pictures instead :)

The next morning, we said bye to Fatima, and headed out with Mostafa her husband, where he drove us to the place we were going to visit, namely some old houses turned into museum and a traditional bath house. That same morning, he was going to an interview of some sort for his eventual military service thing. After he dropped us, we put our bags at his friend's bookshop nearby, and started our self-tour. First up was a place called Tabatabei House. Its basically the house of a former carpet businessman, he was also very rich in his time about 200 years ago, its really pretty.. the artwork is very intricate and detailed, the architect was a famous Iranian named Kamal al-Mulk, there's a square in the middle, as always, rooms for guests and praying rooms and servants room, and all that. There was a Iranian guide there with some tourists from China, so we found most of these details and history of the house from her.. I usually do this actually, when i don't hire guides coz im a cheapskate,, I'd leech onto other people's guides hahahaha.





Next we walked for 5 minutes to another house called the Borujerdi House. The story was that the man who built this house, wanted to marry the daughter of the owner of Tabatabei House, but his future father in law said, he has to first build a house as lavish and equal to his house because his daughter is used to living like a princess, in short. hahahahha. So he built Bourjerdi House, however it took too long to build it, and after 4 years and the still under construction, the father allowed his daughter to marry this guy, and he continued to build it and completed it after 17 years. lol. But still, it wasnt as impressive as the father in laws house.

Next was the Sultan Amir Ahmad hammam, which is a traditional bath house. Very pretty and beautiful, i would love to go to a real working bath house that looks like this. I kinda regretted not going to the bath houses when I was in Budapest back in 2013. Im determined to go to one when I visit Istanbul one day. This bath house also had really interesting looking water tanks located at the roof top.

We finished our self tour about 10 minutes before the appointed time our driver arranged by Mostafa to take us to our next destination which was Abyaneh. We agreed on the taxi price, then hopped in to the car to make a pitstop to a Fin Garden. There are several fin gardens all around Iran, which have been designated as Unesco World Heritage sites.




TBC

Its all my fault

Two weeks ago, i ruined one of the greatest friendship and lost one of the greatest friends i've ever had in my life.

And I've only realized it today. 

Please forgive me. You completely have my heart. I sincerely hope you come back to me. 

Iran Chronicles, Part 2

Hamoon said the sanctions really made life hard for Iranians, i was struggling to understand how sanctions work though because seemed like a lot of stuff was available in Tehran, like branded clothes (in the shopping malls), food and all the typical stuff that can be found in the bazaar, essential items, toys, even the latest handphones... everything seemed normal to me. Hamoon said its all a very big and organized smuggling ring, everything i see in Iran is smuggled, he said, still, it was hard to comprehend such a scale, at least for me, even if its all smuggled, its more like an open smuggle, and if its open smuggle, it might as well be normal import/export business. but he did say most stuff are more expensive than what you can find overseas by some margin, most people i met said Apple products are very expensive in Iran (when they saw i used iphone and ipad), but when we compared the price of Apple products in Malaysia and Iran, it turned out to be almost the same after conversion in US dollars (even using the old currency rates before the market crisis happening right now). so, hmm. Foreign credit cards are obviously cannot be used in Iran, but they have found ways around it for foreigners, at least at shops that sell expensive stuff like carpets ;p When asked about politics, Hamoon said most people did not like Ahmadinejad and he liked the current president Hassan Rouhani better. and of course everybody says the govt. is corrupted. like so so corrupted. the supreme leader being the Ayatollah, he likened it to our Muftis in Malaysia.

In Tehran, there is this big and very long main street that goes all the way from north to south of Tehran city called Vali Asr, the north side lives the affluent neighborhood and people, which was where Amir's house was located at, at Velenjak street. We walked around the bazaar at Tajrish Sq, also at the north side of Vali Asr, and that night we had dinner and coffee all around the same area. obviously Hamoon and Amir are the more fortunate and well-to-do Iranians. As you move towards the south side of Vali Asr street, you can find and see drug addicts and prostitutes and the poorer people of Iran, so Hamoon said. In fact, we did pass through the southern side of Tehran on our way to Qom and Kashan the next day (on the bus), and saw the more dilapidated buildings, square boring brown buildings. At the north side, the buildings were very European to my surprise. I didnt feel like I was in a Middle Eastern city (i was comparing to Cairo and Amman and Makkah and Muscat and Old Dubai). I am careful not to say Arab cities, because Iranians are Persians and they dont like the Arabs and they are also not Arabs, they'll get mad if we call them Arabs. Hamoon said before the 1979 Islamic revolution, Iran was very westernized and it was during this time the leaders at the time built the buildings following the european architecture especially the french. Its amazing really to see it with my eyes. the place where we had coffee was at one of the museums with european architecture, it was really very fancy. even the place we had dinner at. about 100-200 years ago, the main language in Iran was actually french, and they still used some french in their daily conversations, like merci and billet, im sure there are more. it was funny that i was saying merci alot while i was in iran! hahahaha.

Late that night, i got a confirmation from the CS host in Kashan who initially declined, saying the she could host us at the last minute. we were going to Kashan the next day, lucky! or else i was already prepared to find accom on arrival to the city.

Apparently Tehran is kinda polluted which i mistook for haze, that day we went to Tochal was particularly bad as you can see from the picture below. But more than a week later when i was back in Tehran before my flight home, it was so clear, and it was really beautiful because you can see the snow capped mountains surrounding all of Tehran in the north side, even from a distance of 40km from the mountains. lovely!!


Tehran from telecabin 1st station (roughly 900m asl)
​
Qom & Kashan

Day 3

After another hearty Iranian breakfast and armed with food to eat by Farida, we took the subway to the bus station to get ourselves to Qom. The subway (also public buses) are separated for men and women. I saw many women selling products on the subway, moving around in the subway from car to car carrying the stuff they are selling from panty hose to skin scare to knives, making ends meet. some friendly ladies came to talk to me as usual. At the bus station, ticket sellers were standing outside their buses shouting the destinations, we approached the one going to Qom, paid our 200,000 rials (aka 20,000 toman, about 6 usd) per billet, and the bus made its way when it was almost full. Even while the bus was moving slowly, the minders were still standing at the steps and shouting the destinations, and they picked up a few more passengers along the way right before it entered the highway. and our bus driver was a lady too. i gave some fruits to the minders and bus driver, and he in return gave us hot tea. everywhere its tea, tea is everywhere. love tea. haha. the bus was very comfortable and spacious.


A billboard with the words 'ya Ali' (was on the bus Tehran-Qom)

Qom was a pitstop, we were dropped at a small bus station next to the highway, took a taxi to Jamkaran Mosque (not knowing the significance of the mosque yet). wore our customary chador (it was always provided at the entrance of most mosques), and went it. most mosques in Iran have a open air square in the middle, and the praying area with the mimbar will be at one of the sides where the kiblat is facing outwards. the interior of the mosques are very beautiful, the designs intricate and very good craftsmanship. very cozy, while my cousin prayed zuhur/asar jama', (i was on 'holiday' lol), i took my time just watching the syiah women pray using their stones. the syiah use a stone that they put at the position where they sujud, so their forehead will touch the stone instead of the sajdah or the ground. everything other prayer movements seems to be similar to us. the quran they used are also the same. at the entrance to prayer area, most mosques would provide plastics to put your shoes in and bring it with you.


Jamkaran Mosque in Qom. You can see the pictures of Ayatollah Khomenei and Ayatollah Khamenei on the left and right of the entrance to the praying area. This duet pictures of the Ayatollahs can be seen everywhere in Iran.


After that, we took a bus to another place called the Fatima Mausoleum, or the Holy Shrine of Fatima. At first i thought it was the Holy Shrine for Saiyidina Ali RA's wife, or Rasulullah's daughter, since i don't know any other Fatima, although I was a bit skeptical of my own assumptions. We walked from the bus stop to the shrine, carrying our backpacks, and lo and behold, a friendly Iranian came to chat with us. Again, he correctly guessed we are from Malaysia, although he did ask my the style of my hijab was different from what my cousin was wearing (she was wearing something like a fancy snowcap-like head/hair cover). I wore my usual hijab like u've seen numerous times before. This man said he's been to Malaysia before. Seeing this man was eager to talk to us and show us around, i took the opportunity to ask him all the questions i had about this shrine, a free tour guide! ;p. His name is Iman, first he helped us locate the place to store our bags, and then we went ahead to enter the shrine and told him to meet us inside, but we were turned back because we didnt have chador. We started going to the chador place, and then Iman suddenly appeared again, i guess he saw us not going in, and he walked with us to get the chador, then we queued to enter the shrine, which was really huge and had like over 20 different entrances i think. Btw most entrances into shrines and mosques for the women are covered with curtains. At the entrance behind the curtains, there were women inspectors to check our bags and stuff. When we wanted to enter the shrine, we were stopped. It was obvious that we were tourists (again, despite the hijab and being muslim, we couldnt really pass off as locals ahhaa). usually there were no problems entering mosques. But this was a Shrine of someone important to the syiah community, so they were wondering why we wanted to go inside. And tourists usually come in arranged groups and tours, yet there were only two of us. so after they checked with their head office which took some time, we were finally let go to enter the shrine. Iman was already waiting inside at the square.

What we found out from Iman, our adhoc tour guide:
About the prayer stones, it is made of clay from a place called Mashad. This city is where their 8th Imam Reza comes from, hence they believe the clay is holy i think. The syiah believe in 12 Imams, the first being Imam Ali, our 4th Khalifah, and all the rest of their Imams are descendants of Saiyidina Ali RA (btw these stones sell for like 1 usd in the bazaars). The Shrine that we were visiting is the sister of Imam Reza, who died in Qom while on the way to Mashad to visit his brother. Right, that makes more sense to me! hehe... here was the first time i saw the mirror mosaic architecture, and the whole interior was decorated with mirrors, with the mausoleum right in the middle, there were so many people inside and outside the shrine, and people were surrounding the tomb, touching it and stuff. its not the first time ive seen something like this though, the touching and all, as if by touching a holy shrine, they'd get the barakah or whatever, i dont really understand. i once saw the same thing in Ajmer Sharif Dargah in India, when i was there back in 2011, there was located a sufi shrine, and the indians brought offerings and such to the shrine, touching and praying in the area, reading the quran, and they were muslims, its as if the practices of the Hindus (bringing offerings) and Islam were assimilated, and again i saw the same thing in Makkah, when the indians/pakistanis were touching the Kaabah.. even Nabi Ibrahim's makam.. and at the top of Jabal Rahmah (where supposedly is the location where Nabi Adam met Eve), these people revere the tombs and the monuments alike.. the police had to place people at these people to prevent them from doing that, but its too much to handle really. so anyway, photography was not allowed inside the shrine,.. it was amazing, the architecture that is. by the time we left the shrine it was already 4.30pm, and that after turning down Iman's offer to drink tea and talk some more..we didnt want to arrive in Kashan too late. Iman wanted to visit Malaysia again, he took my phone number down. one of the things he asked was, "Iran is a syiah country, you are sunni, why do u want to visit Iran?" but at the end of the day, they'd say, its good no problem we are all muslims, we should welcome each other.

Another thing i found out from Iman was that, the Jamkaran Mosque that we visited earlier was actually dedicated to Imam Mahdi, which they believe is their 12th Imam, and its the same Imam Mahdi as Sunnis believe.


Mirror mosaic at the entrance of Fatima Holy Shrine, the whole interior was decorated like this.

We got on our bus to Kashan around 5pm, the other passengers probably paid extra to get a packet of biscuits and drinks, coz we didnt get them, but one guy gave his to us. When we reached Kashan, he invited us to share a taxi with him to the bazaar area in Kashan because that was where he was headed as well (he didnt speak English so it was all sign language lol), apparently he had a textile shop and sold men's clothing at the bazaar, and his two sons were waiting for him at this shop. we walked around the bazaar, and we were also desperate to go to the toilet, so we found a mosque with the men's toilet at the front, we couldnt find the women's toilet, then we saw an iranian women who simply went into the men's toilet, and we just followed suit. men who came into the toilet later were shocked to find us in there, but we paid little mind hahahahaha. again, being non local and not being able to speak Farsi was our ticket to do whatever we did (feigning clueless-ness as tourists/foreigners who doesnt understand how things work) hehehehehehehe.

we were hungry so we looked for some falafel and waited at the shop for our CS host to pick us up. Our host, her name was Fatima, came to pick us up with her friend. She's a part time english teacher who teaches english at the university for engineering students, her classed finished earlier than expected, and we went straight to her house. As we were arriving at her house, she dropped the bomb: "btw, couchsurfing is illegal in Iran". hahahahahahahhaha. really? okayy. she told us to be quiet, and before we left the car, we made sure there were no nosy neighbors around looking, as far as we could see, and quietly entered her house. her friend left, and then i found out she was married, and her husband was on the way home. Apparently her husband is a tour guide, and she helps her husband with the tour guide work sometimes.

i asked more about CS being illegal in Iran. The govt is very well aware of CS, they declare it illegal in the country, but they don't really catch people doing it as long as the surfers and the host dont stir trouble while couchsurfing. trouble such as making noise or whatever else, or if neighbors don't complain. The govt knows and monitors the websites and all. the reason they dont take any action despite declaring it illegal is because they also know that CS is very famous in Iran and its one of the unofficial way to encourage tourists to come to Iran and say good things about Iran. as ive already mentioned, Iranians are very friendly, and so many people have only good things to say about the hospitality of iranians, its like the word of mouth kind of promoting tourism in Iran. CS hosts in Iran is very limited, and Fatima said that the hosts gets requests from surfers like all the time, almost everyday, especially those in Shiraz and Esfahan, the more touristic cities. They have their own lives too and can't accept every single request that comes in. Also, its illegal for women to stay at a man's house and vice versa, especially if they are single, so even hosts have to be careful in choosing the surfers they agree to host. So she said, that's probably the reason why 3 hosts in Shiraz have already turned us down.

about 30 minutes later, her husband came back, we ate some bread and drank tea, and he offered us saffron ice cream, which sounded exotic but didnt taste really good. although we forced ourselves to finish it since it was impolite to not finish it, lol. Fatima and her husband, Mostafa operate the Free Iran Tour in Kashan, following the same modus operandi as the free tours available in most big european cities, which i totally utilize whenever i am touring europe. basically, these free tours make money from tips, and its up to you how much you want to give. they have their free iran tour page on tripadvisor, and they rank number one in the things to do in Iran, as voted by users. amazing right? from the tourists Fatima and Mostafa get from their free tours, they offer further paid arranged tours, in Kashan and all around Iran. they've been doing this for 2 years now. Mostafa was also previously and english teacher. He said his pay from a month of being and english teacher is the same as how much he could make in a week as a tour guide, and that's about 200 usd. the risk though, when he get requests to arrange for tours in Iran from foreigners, is that the foreigners couldnt pay or use their credit card, and they cant get paid, like the usual deposit, before the tourists actually arrive and meet them in Iran, so Mostafa has to front their own money first making the necessary bookings. and sometimes these tourists may cancel at the last minute due to inability to get visas, for instance. and that is money gone for them, unless they make other arrangements to get back their money, which seems very hard (like sometimes someone they know is going overseas and the foreigner would bank in their money in a bank and that someone will withraw it from that bank that is not in Iran and then he will bring back the money into Iran, something like that.

so anyway, we used Mostafa's contacts (he offered) and he arranged for us a hotel in Shiraz, which cost only like 16 usd a night for a double room (our room we booked in Yazd cost 40 usd a night). we couldnt have gotten this deal from any online sources, or if we booked ourselves. it was a rate for locals. we also arranged for a driver to drive us to Esfahan the next day, with a pitstop in Abyaneh. (we couldve taken a bus straight to Esfahan but we wanted to detour to Abyaneh, which cannot be done if we took the bus). once all of that was arranged, i was ready to sleep. we slept in the living room on one side, while Mostafa and Fatima also slept in the living room at the other end, it was a huge area. my cousin did her prayers, and after that we got to talking with Mostafa the differences between sunni and syiah, like the prayers and ablution. you might know this already, but i'll write it down anyway.

The basic prayers, and the amount of rakaah is the same as us. But the difference is that syiah only pray three times a day. The subuh, 2 rakaah. And then they combine Zuhur and Asr, as in praying at the same time, one after the other. both prayers 4 rakaah, so a total of 8 rakaah with 2 salams. And then at maghrib time, they combine Maghrib and Isyak, also the same number of rakaah, 3 and 4 each, with 2 salams. As for ablution, its also the same with us except the feet, whereby they only slightly touch a part of their feet with water, whereas we would wash our whole feet thoroughly.

Mostafa and Fatima have never been to Malaysia. they said its not easy for them to leave the country because Mostafa have not yet completed his 18 months compulsory military service thats imposed on all Iranian men citizen above 18 years old. If they wanted to leave the country for a trip, they must get special permission from the government, or if it was an official trip like presenting at a conference or something like that. So Mostafa is preparing to do his military service soon, and because he is married, he is allowed to do it in Kashan where he lives. I told them that I'd be happy to bring them around in KL whenever they come to Malaysia one day.

TBC

Iran Chronicles, Part 1

An amazing yet misunderstood country. Where do i start?

Prologue
I told you that I had so many things to share about Iran.. but how come its not the same about Iceland? See the difference is that, to talk about Iceland, I'd only have to say that Iceland is beautiful with out of this world landscapes in so many different words, but the central idea is the same, the allure is in its nature, and if i wanted to go a little further, i'd probably talk about the geographical formations.. but that's it. and anyway, showing pictures of Iceland was enough to show all about the country, although even the pictures couldnt do justice to how beautiful Iceland's scenery is in real life. also, i didnt really have any contacts and culture experience with local Icelanders.

But for Iran, there's the culture, architecture, history, people and their life, and politics and regime, the young and the old, and last but not least, Syiah.. which interests me as a fellow muslim and particularly as a Sunni. there's so much we can discuss about.

As always, there's only a handful of people that I told about going to Iran, that includes my family. The typical first question is, why Iran? what's in Iran? isn't it dangerous? you better be careful, its a syiah country, they'll convert you.. or, the syiah's hate the sunnis. something along those lines. you were one of the few who didn't respond in this manner, thank you for that. first of all, i personally think these are ignorant questions, but maybe its not really their fault for having these perceptions of a country that's always reported in a bad light in the media.. btw, i got the same "isnt it dangerous" response when I went to South America in 2011, the central worry being about drug gangs and slums. i for one believe that Iran is not a dangerous country at all, because Kimal has been there before and i trust him with my life when it comes to traveling, and ive read enough travel blogs by couples and solo women travelers alike who all said that Iran is safe, even safer than my own country.

ok so some parts might be mundane, this is probably like writing a diary.. some minute details might find its way here (as far as my useless brain can recall) this is going to be a looooooonggggggggg email so hope you don't mind or get too bored. ;p

Itinerary planning
i actually totally forgot about my iran trip until about less than 2 weeks before my flight out. i spent one full day working out the general itinerary and scanning places of interest to go at each city and also prioritizing to plan how many days is adequate to stay at those cities within the limited time frame. seriously 11 days seemed too short. so I fly into Tehran, and the order goes: Tehran-Qom-Kashan-Abyaneh-Esfahan-Yazd-Shiraz and back to Tehran for my flight back to KL. the first thing i had to do was buy a domestic flight ticket from Shiraz to Tehran. and i had my first taste of Iran even before leaving Malaysia. lol. I couldn't use my credit card to buy those tickets online, only Iranian-issued debit/credits are allowed for any transaction... hahahaha i should've known this was going to be the case, with the sanctions in place and all. But we're so used to not having such restrictions that I didn't really think about it. I was going for Mahan Air, so I told my cousin, who then said she will ask her former Iranian student named Amir (more on this later) to buy the tickets for us. At the same time, I told her to ask Amir to check tickets for Iran Air as well, to compare the prices. He got back to us and said Iran Air was cheaper, and told my cousin to go to the Iran Air office in KL to buy said tickets. and so finally we managed to secure them.

Amir also had an Iranian friend in KL who gave us really good rates to exchange RM and IRRs (Iranian rials). My budget was about usd 350 dollars max for ground expenses for 11 days, but i only exchanged usd 250 first. I wouldve spent 200 ringgit more if i used the official money exchangers with current rates. Im not sure if this was an illegal or black market transaction hahahaha. i think of it more like a mutually agreed and beneficial business transaction between two parties ;p

Accommodation planning
Next up was accommodation. My plan was mostly to couchsurf (CS) in Iran (you know how couchsurfing works right?) mainly because Kimal did that in Iran as well, and also it was not so easy to find accom in Iran from online sources.. those with information and means to be contacted are often the more expensive ones or are mentioned in Lonely Planet which means their rates are already marked up because they get a lot of foreigners already (btw I rarely use LP for any of my travels). I've also had some prior experience couchsurfing, i'll save that story for next time (if u remember to ask ;p)

My cousin was a former lecturer at Universiti Sains Malaysian (USM) in Penang, and she had an Iranian student that she was friends with. His name is Amir Talebi (btw Talebi means watermelon in Farsi hehe). Amir did his Masters in USM, and now doing his Phd there as well. He had invited my cousin to Iran long time ago and many times and had always offered his family's home in Tehran to stay at. However, this end of year 2015 he did not plan to go back to Tehran for holidays, but he already told his parents about us coming and they welcomed us to stay at their house in Tehran while we were there. So accom in Tehran settled. and here i thought, how opportune that my cousin wanted to join on what was supposed to be a solo trip.. coz i dont know any Iranians prior.

Qom and Abyaneh was going to be a pitstop, For Kashan, i got a reply on the room rates from one of the hotels there, but it was kinda too expensive for my budget, USD 60 per night for a double bed room. so i didn't book it. Initially i wanted to look for CS hosts in only Esfahan and Shiraz coz I planned to stay at these places for more than one night. I don't really wanna trouble potential hosts for only 1 day. I also tried to look for female hosts first.. the first person I contacted in Esfahan couldn't host me saying she had guests in her house (im guessing her relatives), but luckily her "fiance", which i found out later is only her boyfriend not fiance, agreed to host me instead, lucky!

For Yazd i contacted 2 hotels and only 1 replied, usd 40 for a double bed at a traditional guest house, which was still relatively expensive by my standards but i took it anyway, seeing i am already saving 3 nights of accom expenses in Esfahan, and i thought it would be nice to experience a traditional guesthouse, whatever that was. it turned out to be a building with a square in the middle with fountains and a nice place to hangout and the rooms are all around it.. the dining room was also in the square.

I contacted 3 different hosts in Shiraz but all of them declined me, the first a lady who didnt give me any reasons,the second a guy who first said maybe and then declined and also didnt say why, and the third declined and said he was already hosting other people on the same dates that I requested to surf and wished me well on my trip. btw these correspondences with the Shiraz hosts happened when i was already in Iran.. a day before my flight to Tehran I contacted the hotel in Kashan again to book the expensive room but i didnt get any reply until the end. And as a last resort, i contacted a CS host in Kashan. and then I flew to Tehran with only accoms in Tehran (Amir's parents) and Esfahan (CS host-Somy + Mohamad the fiance) and Yazd (traditional guesthouse) confirmed. Kashan and Shiraz were still up in the air.

Tehran 

Day 1
I arrived at Imam Khomenei Interational Airport late at night, i wasnt sure how strict Iran was on women's dressing, so i wore a black abaya with black scarf, and my long coat was also black. lol. arranged and paid for my visa on arrival at the airport. after the immigration, i tried to look for a local sim card but there was none to be found. went outside and haggled my taxi price, once i got the price i wanted (ended up sharing a taxi w another passenger). During this ride, my first experience with the friendliness of Iranians. The taxi driver couldnt stop talking and asking me questions, and all this he did in Farsi, he didnt speak english, the typical case of a duck talking to a chicken, but we understood each other perfectly fine, the usual questions of where im from where im going in Iran yada yada.. at one point, he pointed to every single object around us, outside and inside the taxi, and thought me the Farsi word of those objects. think i learned close to 30 new words in Farsi that night, all of which of course ive forgotten by now ;p . and btw, he drove like a MANIAC. in fact, everybody in Iran drives like a maniac. and i thought ive seen the worse of it all, having seen the traffic and drivers in Hanoi and Cairo and New Delhi, which are also over the top CRAZY.

By the time i reached Amir's apartment, i saw a guy which turned out to be his father already waiting at the front steps of the building, he mustve seen me coming from the window. A fair man and good enough spoken english for us to have good and interesting conversations. My cousin arrived earlier in the morning (we took different flights), was still out sight seeing but was already otw home, she arrived about 10 minutes later. The first thing i noticed about the apartment that there were a lot of figurines, like seriously all around the house, displayed in glass cabinets and on tables etc. there were also many paintings of people and stuff, you know like what you'd see in Italy or those famous during the Renaissance period. I was a bit surprised by this, since its very unislamic. I found out later that Amir to my cousin that his mother is a practicing muslim, i did see her pray, but Amir was silent about his father.

we had a great home cooked dinner by Amir's mom. OMG so delicious. She cooked for us ghorme sabzi and zeleshk polo and brewed tea. I ordered these dishes much later in Shiraz at a restaurant, but they weren't as good as Amir's mom cooking. Amir's mom, Farida doesnt speak english. Anyway during dinner the usual greetings and questions were asked, and then we talked about carpets. Yes ive always know Iranian carpets are of high quality and expensive, but omw when i found out the prices of the carpets in that house, i was blown away. some even cost up to 5000 us dollars!. i learned a few things about carpets, the composition and knots and quality and differences between handmade and machinemade and all that stuff. it was all very interesting. Farida showed us of a book published by Amir in malaysia (it was actually just a compilation of journal papers about.. environmental topics, like water treatments and stuff like that, related to his studies obviously, hahaha sorry i dont remember), you can see how proud the mother is. Amir's sister lives in Germany w her husband and kid (their only grandson for now), and Amir's brother lives and works in America, he has a double degree (one in engineering, another in accounting), he was back for the holidays but was leaving for the states again in 2 days time. Amir's brother who was out wanted to take us out that night to hangout, we said ok but we ended up sleeping by the time he came back to fetch us, i guess we were so tired by the whole journey.

Tehran was COLD. low singles deg celcius.


Ghorme sabzi (dark brown), and zeleshk polo (chicken w rice, berries on top)
​

Day 2
The next day, after Iranian style breakfast (arab bread, walnuts, feta cheese, cream, butter and tea) we headed to Tochal.. its a mountainous area just behind Amir's house, which was purely coincidental that it was so near. we walked to the entrance gates and took the telecabin (what they call cable cars) up to the second highest station (5th station) at about 2850 m asl. the highest station are only allowed for skiers and snowboarders. omg it was so beautiful, on the way up there and also at the top. snow covered mountains and with clear blue skies, once in a while the cloud would cover until visibility is zero, then the clouds would pass and the view was incredibly beautiful. and this just a stone's throw away from Tehran. we also hiked for half hour in the snow before heading back to town later. Being a mother, Farida had already packed for us fruits and bread, so we also ate those while just chillin sittin on the rocks and enjoying the view. and again, it was freakin cold, like subzero. even Iceland wasnt this cold (at times). It being a Friday (weekend in Iran), the queue was very long to get on the telecabin. All the while i was queuing, i was checking out all these handsome Iranians, feast for my eyes really! it was too cold for me to even hold a conversation with my cousin, so the next best thing was to people watch hahahaahah. There were alot of people who also hiked from the first station all the way up to the 5th station. amazing feat, im thinking maybe next time if i ever go to Tehran again (which will not be in winter), i'd do the hike up. At one point while we were up there, a couple of guys approached us, correctly guessing that we are Malaysians, my cousin left me to my own devices as she went to the toilet, so these guys were telling us they're going to Malaysia in a couple of weeks time, and asked about hotel prices and what not, some questions about Malaysia and KL, are we muslims or not (somehow we get asked this question a lot eventhough we were wearing proper hijab, unlike most of the Iranians who typically show some hair at the front) then the killer question, how much is the price of beer? LOL. he said the price in Thailand was about 4 ringgit per bottle i think. hahahahhaha, i honestly dont know how much beer costs in Malaysia really, but i think it should be more expensive than our neighbor in the north. He took my facebook id and said he will add me later when he gets home when he will have access to VPN (facebook is blocked in Iran).


Tochal


​Tochal
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later back in town, we met with another Iranian friend of my cousin who was the first ever student from Iran in USM, and whom later worked in USM after he finished his bachelors and masters there. Now he's doing his Phd in Singapore. Hamoon, is his name, and he's a delight really, he speaks really fast, very metro and fashionable (which I concluded from the pink color pants he was wearing that day), he came with his friend, and she's like sooo pretty. he speaks very highly of Malaysia, and speaks very poorly of Iran. LOL. its funny really. He says Iran is weird and he doesnt understand his own country. we went for coffee and later barbecue dinner and then coffee again, by the time we came home it was around 9 or 10pm i think. His thesis topic is something about the role of women in islamic Jihad. As part of his research, he has been to countries like Turkey and Jordan and Lebanon etc, went to refugee camps and interviewed a lot of women, including ISIS defectors. it was sooooooo interesting. although i didnt have time to ask more about this, but i will if i meet him again next time. I'm going to singapore soon, maybe we can meet up for a chat..

TBC