Always second best

The things people would do for their lovers/partners.. 

And its the good friend's job to be understanding and supportive.. 

Whose feelings are naturally, secondary.. 

This is just how society works..

Now, I'm triggered to slowly fall into the 'i wanna be alone' mode. 

My upcoming trip is just perfect timing and will be a nice refuge.

Time to be disconnected from my life and friends. 

Time to be connected to the world. 

While freezing my ass off. 

A lost soul.. still

It has been said that pursuing a masters degree is a soul searching journey.. 

After some years of working, the hopes & dreams, the sheer optimism, the thoughts of endless opportunities and possibilities waiting for us, those that we so naively believe post-undergrad.. are slowly chipped away by the realities of the real-world..

I for one just wanted to have a breath of fresh air and supposedly 'advance' myself, from a job that seemed to have come to a stagnant and plateaued.. 

Deep down, I had to have something to call my own when everybody around me have stepped into the next phase in life called 'marriage'. 

I've used traveling as an excuse to distract myself from the fact that i'm heading nowhere in the direction that is expected.

Suffice to say, i see myself as a failure in that regard. 

But then again, i wasn't expecting any kind of soul searching journey too. 

And i wouldnt say this experience has made me 'find' my soul, so to speak.

In fact, i've never been more confused than now, about myself as a person and what i want in this life. 

I have also sort of strayed away a little from the level of spirituality i had with religion..

Its so easy to get distracted.. and i only blame myself for it. 

I am guilty of loving this world too much, and also loving the impossible, person and idea alike.

I would so desire to get back on track, and be able to exercise some self-restraint.. 

I know what i have to do.. but i am so weak-willed.. 

And at this moment, i wish half of the world is not so cold right now coz i'm having a freakin hard time choosing a place to get lost in during this winter break!!! 

Happy, yet...

Life is whole again

I've finally managed to put aside my feelings and the hurt i've felt and also my ego.. 

To let go of the past and forgive what have been done..

I thought i couldnt forget, but now can i barely remember all the things that made me so upset..

So things are back to normal since 3 weeks ago..

My life is complete again.. 

I guess sometimes life hits u hard and then u come out a better person when the adversity is over (hopefully).. 

I'd like to believe that the friendships that i valued so much are much stronger than it was before.. 

I have my best buddies back again..

And rekindled another friendship that seemed like it was fading (darling, if u are reading this, thanks so much for inviting me on that trip, its a blessing in disguise that your plans to go to spain didnt work out, ;p)

Now, if only i can get my lazy ass to do some work, as ive done nothing for almost 2 weeks. 

By next friday i'll be totally done with this masters shit (here's to hoping). hehe. 

Why are all my most recent entries so depressing?

Boohoo. 

Well, I just haven't written much about other fun stuff I did. 

Its not all that depressing, my life, that is. 

I had a really great time on my impromptu trip to South Africa. 

I actually had bought tickets to Tokyo, was gonna spend 10 days there. 

Then out of the blue, a friend asked me to go to SA with her. 

It was an easy decision, to change my plans. 

My Tokyo tix was cheap enough to let go. 

My South African friend was going home too, so accommodation and 'chaperons' were ready. 

It was also my only chance to get a travel partner to SA, and SA has always been a place I wanted to travel to. 

The flight tix from Korea was super cheap too. 

So we bought the tickets on Sunday, and we flew out that Tuesday. 

Got the last 2 seats on the plane. Lucky us!

And then 2 weeks ago, I finally managed to go on a hiking trip that I've always wanted to do in Korea. 

The mountain range is called Jirisan. 

Its not the typical go up to the peak and come down hikes that I usually do. 

Its hiking along the mountain ridge, the elevation is between 1,500 to 1,900 meters.

So we went up and down. 

Reached at least 4 different peaks (I can't remember).

Normally, people would do the whole hike in 3 days. 

But we did it in 2 days. 

The first day was a 12 hour hike, total of 21.9km, while carrying a 7kg bagpack.

7kg was nothing compared to what others were carrying, up to 15kg! These guys are tough. 

There was 9 people in our group. 

The second day was a 8 hour hike, total of 10km. 

Sometimes its amazing to find out that we are actually stronger than we think we are. 

To realize that our capabilities exceed our own expectations. 

This hiking trip made climbing Mt. Kinabalu seemed like a walk in the park, and I'm not exaggerating. 

I told my friend it was like torture. 

And she said, "but you liked the torture".

Hahahahaha. Funnily, it was true. 

So my dream of conquering all the 3 highest peaks in Korea has been fulfilled. 

Even done the 4th highest too. 

There are many other good times and fun activities, but I can't get into writing all of it. 

However now, i have some major problems regarding my thesis research.

But none of the few friends whom I've been talking to wants to believe me. 

They think I'm over exaggerating the problems I'm facing. 

They seem to think I can do it all, no mountain is high enough, no river wide enough, sorta.

How the hell did they get this crazy idea that I'm that capable? 

Time is running out. 

One more week left to the final draft deadline submission for our thesis defense presentation.  

Like it or not, I just have to rough it. 

Days go by, life goes on. 

I'm totally burned out.

Advice to self: JUST FUCKING DO IT. 

Destination: Beyond the Pines

I wonder how i changed from being a relatively heartless person to over-sensitive, over-emotional.

I badly want to revert to my old self back. 

I also think everyone here is better off without me. 

I should just get out of everyone's way.

Wish me luck. 

Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. Ha ha. 

Mind Boggling

Music: Duerme Duerme Negrito by Victor Jara

How do we explain..

Switching between states of sadness and happiness in mere seconds? 

Consciousness and blankness?

Focusness and day-dreaming?

Motivation and laziness?

Will power and utter hopelessness?

I can't figure it out in definite terms..

But it has got to do with the interactions with our surroundings.. This i know as much. 

For example, today i went from having no mood to do anything, to completely in full gear working on my research for my thesis. It took some time but as my cousin told me once before, just do it and the rest will just follow.. Forcing yourself to stop procrastinating and start doing is a feat in itself.

I was on a roll, when suddenly the results turned out to be disappointing. I was stuck. I wasn't demotivated and kept on with further research.. When suddenly some messages came in (thus, surrounding) that totally disturbed my already fragile state of mind. After what seemed like a good day, i started with my crazy thoughts and the wave of sadness started creeping in. And the tears came rolling down without warning. 

Even so, i could still do my work, rationally and with a clear head, despite the state i was in. Bewildering, no?

At the same time, my ipod was on shuffle.. When suddenly a song by Victor Jara came on (again, surrounding). His songs, in my mind, are associated with good memories of my travel in South America, in Peru to be specific. And all of a sudden, i was transported into the state i was in when i sat in that taxi cab, driving up the Andes Mountain. It was pure bliss, and i remember that exact moment, how i felt back then.. And a wave of pleasure and happiness just swept me off.. The visions, experience, elation, all came rushing back... A few minutes later i was left with this poignant feeling.. Followed by melancholy.. I had to sustain whatever good feeling i was having, so i looped the whole Victor Jara album i had.. Just to hold on to this fleeting feelings of happiness... 

But alas every good thing comes to and end sooner or later.. And i came back to reality with the horrible results of my research.. However, satisfaction also prevailed because problems that i did not foresee had surfaced, and i can move forward by finding solutions (read: engineer at work). Positive thinking coupled with mild depression is complicated to fathom, no?

Since no work could be done any further, i came back to my room to watch a movie, which coincidentally, was about depression.. but it was so interesting i was quite intrigued..

And another message came in from a good friend (again, surrounding) and whatever that made me sad earlier was gone.. replaced w feelings of gratefulness and love.

so many emotions experienced in a span of a few hours..

So how do we explain it? 

Instead of being a typical engineer and trying to figure it out, lets just embrace the fact that we should be grateful to be able to feel and experience these myriads of emotions, be rational and crazy at the same time. 

It's good to be alive.

Almost perfect getaway

My 2-week travel in South Africa, which i just came back from a few days ago, was the break that i hadn't realized i needed. I was apprehensive at first since only 2 of us were traveling. You know how traveling can make or break a relationship/friendship, even more so when there's only 2 people. Long periods of traveling w the same person brings out the best, and the worse in people. Anyway, this trip turned out very well, not only because i get to forget my problems here, but also because i appreciate my buddies more than i ever would have. Being in this so called international school has made me realize that different culture/backgrounds doesnt matter when it comes to finding true friends, and true love. The obstacles are higher, but overcoming them just goes to show how great/mature/wonderful these people are.     

However, alas, the brief joy i had was not meant to be everlasting. The moment i stepped back into this shithole, i couldnt help being depressed all over again. Anyway, just got a few months left, i will keep myself extremely busy, kill this thesis, and then go on another month of adventure (traveling la, what else), return for my graduation ceremony, and leave all this behind for good. 

Just a plan. Hope it works out. 

Growing Up

Music: Always Love by Nada Surf

Since i'm in a lazy mood today (to do work).. might as well i write something here..
I've now gone through the full friendship cycle from trust, love, care... betrayal, hurt... anger, resentment, broken trust.. and finally recovered..
Finding true friends is not easy..
Much2 happier these days... I'm not insomniac anymore (it went on for about 6 weeks)
I'm now ready to complete this masters shit.. be done with my thesis and the rest of crap that comes with it..
Starting tomorrow.

Anyway, we had a competition today.. for our project courses..
I've been getting rave reviews and congratulatory wishes the whole day
(even though the results are not out yet)...
I entered the competition for different reasons initially, I just wanted to get that whole experience..
Planning an effective presentation is not an easy task..
And I could say I was the least prepared out of all the 13 groups that participated... coz I started working on my presentation 1 day before the deadline.. some groups started as early as 1 month ago...
Anyway, the praises that I got has now made me have high expectations..
And now, if I don't win anything.. I'd be thoroughly disappointed.. which was what I was trying to avoid in the first place..
Trying very hard to tone down my feelings and excitement right now, just to soften the blow when it comes..
I did however almost fell down on stage and managed to break my fall by holding on to the rostrum next to me in the middle of my presentation..
Of all the time, this was the time I had to trip.. It was very embarrassing for me..
I instantly made the first joke that came to my mind and laughed at myself to cover the embarrassment.. which I think really worked coz everybody seemed to say I was funny.. but still, I felt stupid nonetheless.

It is actually rather surprising, this whole public speaking gig is a new experience to me..
I have always been scared.. aren't we all?
I'd avoid them at all costs.. usually..
But somehow the setting, conditions, and atmosphere in Korea, or at least, in my school, is rather different..
From the start, since I came here, I've always been getting praises.. that I would never ever dream of getting in Malaysia.. I don't really know why.. maybe its the English proficiency thingy... everyone seems to think its because I studied 4 years in the states.. which is so not the main reason.. a helping factor, but definitely not the main reason.. coz we all know proficiency in any language needs practice.. long years of practice, reading, speaking, writing, and exposure... which I've had since I was 4 years old, and it all started with..
This is Peter.. This is Jane. This is Peter and Jane. HAHA.
Anyway, these praises really do wonders to my confidence, really.. It would to anyone!
Who doesn't like to be called genius, smart, beautiful.. consistently over the past year..
I never were these things back at home.. I think its too much..
So much so that it doesn't really affect me anymore, here at least.
Somebody better keep me level-headed, I don't want to be carried away with this false belief..
I do think some of them are just being polite and nice.. some might say it superficially..
But some do say it sincerely..
Here, I don't even think twice when I'm asked to speak publicly, make a presentation, become an emcee..
I would gladly do it.. in fact, I enjoy it!
However, I don't think I'll be as confident as I am here right now, when I go back.
The crowd and people in Malaysia are much tougher, more harsh with their comments, not as generous with praises..
But we'll see..

btw, 1st and 2nd place winners of the competition gets to go on an all expense paid trip abroad.. hehe.

Walking The Talk

Many people say they like this and that.. but uttering them are just that.. words..
Recently I've thought about the things I love and what I have actually done to show for it..

I say I love traveling.. I've visited over 20 countries in a span of 6 years..
I say I love concerts.. I can easily name 30 bands/singers that I've seen..
I say I love reading.. I have over 100 books in my goodreads list of the books I've read since 2001..
I used to love Eminem.. I've been to his concert, I have a tshirt with his face on it, my friends gave me Eminem dvds for my birthday, I spent hundreds of dollars on magazines and put filled my whole room wall with posters of him.. the name of this blog is also evident of my infatuation..
I used to love Matsumoto Jun, hence Arashi... I've watched all of his dramas and movies, memorized their songs, watch their videos (concert and PVs alike), watched their Japanese reality shows without subtitles.. etc (I was a total fan girl).
I used to love anime.. I've spent hundreds of hours watching them instead of studying, I have wall scrolls of Kenshin and Edward/Alphonse Eric which are currently the curtains for my window in my room at home..
I admire Kimi Raikkonen so much.. he's the reason I wear my watch on my right hand (even though I'm right-handed).
I don't like running.. but I've entered at least ten 10km runs since 2009.. and collected so many certificates and medals..
I say I love hiking.. I always include a hiking activity whenever I travel, I've hiked Broga (which is near my house) alone so many times, and here in Korea.. I'm always invited to hiking activities coz they know I will almost always say yes!
I say I love the color red.. its evident looking at the color of my laptop, my mouse, my gtab cover, and many more.. even the wall color of my room..
I used to love F1.. I've attended F1 races in Malaysia (3 times or more I can't recall), US, Canada.. and Singapore. My favorite team was Ferrari, I had Ferrari mugs, tshirts, flags (big and small), keychains.. and a 1/200 miniature F1 car.. and these things cost a fortune..

I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging, coz I'm not..
The message that I wanna convey is, if you have even the slightest chance to do the things you like, go for it.
Never wait or save it for later..
These are things I've done without realizing it, really..
Just do it.
And when you look back, you won't feel any regrets.
Don't worry too much about money, our sustenance has already be determined by God, just make sure we remember to give (charity, zakat) sincerely.. and Allah will do the rest for us.. but of course don't spend extravagantly beyond our means and forget to have some savings.. but don't be stingy as well..

And a final confession..
When it comes to matters of the heart, every single person that ever truly liked, I've told them..
Granted, I've been turned down 100% of the time, but i can tell myself that I've tried..
No lingering questions of 'what if'..
I might be a loser in love.. and had my pride/ego/confidence hurt countless times.
But jodoh is also in the hands of God.. everything happens for a reason, we might not understand but Allah knows best. 

Of never saying never

I've been doing research work for the past 5 months, without realizing it. 

Until recently. 

The work started under the guise of 'project course', I had to complete an assignment over the course of 3 months (that was last semester). 

A continuation of that work goes on this semester, a further study of that assignment, which is actually the full scope of my thesis topic. 

To put it simply, I am supposed to optimize something. 

To do that, I have to run hundreds of simulations, try to make sense out of the thousands of data that I generated through test cases that I designed.. 

Find relationship and behaviors.. (lots of engineering maths going on here.. urghh!)

Use what I find out to predict results when the variables are changed.. 

Then run simulations again to verify those results.. 

And then combining all the simulated and predicted results and use them to achieve the ultimate goal of optimization.. (so i'm at this stage right now). 

According to my Prof, nobody has ever done what I'm doing before. 

I find it hard to believe him. 

But then again, I haven't found any references or technical papers that does exactly what I'm doing. 

So either my Prof is correct, or I haven't searched well enough (for those references). 

It also seems plausible because what I'm doing is f***in confusing... and tedious.. So nobody wants to do it.. Lol

so basically, im doing research work. 

I've told myself countless times before

That I will never do any kind of research coz its just too much work and uses a lot of brain power.. 

You have to come out with your own ideas to solve problems... 

You have to think outside the box.. 

Your hypothesis have to be tested.. again and again...

Chances are you'll get it wrong many times... or get false positives... 

Or advance only to hit a wall.. 

Your ideas and solutions must be proven.. so that concrete conclusions can be made.. 

So that your ideas are valid, verified, and can be used and applied by other scientists and engineers..

The point I want to make here is that.. 

never say never.. cause it always bites you back, every time! 

On the bright side, I'm not doing it all alone, because my Prof is super awesome.. super intelligent.. super helpful.. 

Whenever we have discussions, it will last a minimum of 1 hour... max of 3... 

I'm talking about at least 3 times a week of meetings... 

He entertain my ideas..

And even give me lots of ideas himself..

He helps me through my confusion

He is more a friend than a Prof to me, really, coz he acts like one. 

We joke alot, we make bets (he always wins), we high-five each other..

Sometimes he says he's my slave..

And i can call him crazy. 

He thinks im smart, even when i ask stupid questions..

He knows when i'm sad or stressed..

Funny story. 

Last Monday i didnt attend class because i overslept.

That day he announced to my classmates that class on Wednesday is cancelled. He made them promise not to tell me so that i will come to an empty class. Of course my friends were on my side and told me the Prof's revenge plot. Lolsss

Anyway, today is my lazy day.. hence I've been reading a book titled, How the Steel Was Tempered.. 

For a few weeks already (have been too busy to find time to read). 

A fictional account on the rise of Bolsheviks and the Soviet, set in Ukraine.. 

The workers' struggles.. the call of Communism based on Marxism and Leninism.. 

Its actually loosely based on the real life of the writer.. 

It was originally written in Russian.. Coz the writer is a Russian.. 

Published 100 years ago..

Has been translated in many languages..

Very popular in Vietnam, part of it is actually required reading in Vietnam's school syllabus..

(Hence thats how i knew of the book's existence, highly recommended by a VNese friend). 

So many books to read.. So little time :(

On a different note, i've been happy. 

It took some time and conscious effort to change how i handle expectations of people, especially good friends.

Basically, less is better. 

An advice from a friend. 

It seems to be working. 

Coz now, i dont expect much anymore. Hence, im less prone to disappointment and being hurt. 

I feel like myself again. 

Now, ayuh kita sahur. 

Peace

There's something about the holy month of Ramadhan that makes me feel good..
Is it because all the devils are tied?
Last year I didn't really make full use of all the extra goodness that comes with it..
I would like to try to be better this year.. do more stuff that I should, if you know what i mean..
The theme of Mufti Menk's Ramadhan series lecture this year is about peace... and the book of peace (Quran)..
well the Quran is a book of many things..
But essentially it can bring you the peace you need.. recite it.. read it.. understand it.. all the answers are there.. if one looks carefully.. that's the message..
i'm really trying to find some peace and happiness here..
being in this perpetual state of sadness is really sucking the life out of me..
first and foremost.. i really need to literally forgive and forget..
its a bit hard to do when you're deeply hurt..
when everyday you have to look at whatever it is that has hurt you..
you want to forget it, but its in your face
as a defense mechanism, i just do my own thing and mind my own business
to self-protect myself..
but its not really working that well for me..
coz it does get lonely being alone all the time..
and when people see me they will say "heyy where have you been?" or "i haven't seen you for a long time"
and this month my disappearance will be all the more obvious since i don't have to go to the cafeteria
lunch and dinner is the only time i to get to meet everyone.. lol..
ok i've rambled on too far from the main topic.

anyway, selamat berpuasa to all..

p/s: my favorite lecture series by Mufti Menk is the stories about our prophets.. i never get bored listening to them over and over and over again.. 

Doa for Distress, Sadness & Anxiety

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/02/10/the-supplication-series-distress-sadness-and-anxiety-2/

Silly Stupid Me

Music: Dreaming of Water by Lucid Fall

Today my Prof told me to take a break..
He said my brain is about to explode from all the work that I've done..
Little did he know that I spent the weekend watching four movies and finished a book..
The book is a memoir of a war child soldier in Sierra Leone, on the side of the army, more than 10 years ago
I've always thought only the rebels' side recruit and train child soldiers.. like Joseph Kony
So I was surprised with this one.
What the author experienced, is truly sad, no doubt.
Another book that make me realize that my life is good, i had a wonderful childhood..
Despite my 'troubles', my silly silly troubles, in comparison.
However, I couldn't give the book a high rating (I rated 3/5 in goodreads)
The mediocre rating has nothing to do with the contents, which were superb and revealing..
Its actually because of the writing..
I do feel sort of guilty for 'complaining' about writing styles of the author, when the takeaway should be his tragic story of such a traumatic and brutal childhood.. a real life story.
However, imagine if it was fiction instead, I would have no qualms about criticizing writing styles, would I?
I'm just saying...

There are so many books in the library calling me out... read me... read me.... read ME....
I haven't even read the books that I ordered, which the library has bought since last year.. sigh...

So anyway..
I feel down today.. just one of those days, when it comes more stronger than usual..
When the tears fall down more readily..
Actually, its not easy for me to be happy nowadays..
Most of the time its all just pretending to smile.. or laugh..
Of course there are times that I'm genuine though..
I have to literally remind myself every day... "no matter what happens, always be in a good mood"
I don't want to regret saying things I don't really mean (which I've done to a certain someone more often than I'd like to admit).
Sometimes its just easier to avoid the crowd altogether (but still, I have to go to classes)..
I avoid the cafeteria the most, I go to sleep hungry when I skip lunch and/or dinner..
My stomach is empty right now, haha.
Sometimes I will raid the kitchen at night for food..
Or buy some biscuits from the mini mart..
I'm not depressed.. I think definitely not.
I'm just unhappy.. nobody can help me but myself, i know that.
Well, I've read enough about depression to know that what is real depression..
And when people misuse the word when they say things like, "aku depress hari ni", which I've said a bunch of times myself.
I haven't really been a good friend to anyone here..
Hence nobody thinks of me as a good friend either, i suppose..
And I don't feel like I have any good friends here anyway..
The few people whom have been, have sort of become distant..
Maybe I've hurt or disappointed them with my behavior..
There's no one to blame but myself, I have been shutting myself out anyway..
People do get tired of trying after a while, right?
On my worst days, I will go so far as to feel like I don't deserve to be happy..
Well, no sane, rational, strong person would think that, would they?
So I'm just being overly melodramatic I guess..
Yes I am... probably.
Like tonight.
Its all in my imagination.

I am well.
I am alright.

I am going to sleep. 

Of Books and Bliss

Music: Terpesona by Glenn Fredly

The past 2 weeks has been bliss.. sleeping in my own bed.. eating home food instead of korean and some other weird fusion food that they make.. and i finished reading 5 books since i came back.. while meeting up with some friends and families.

Its all been great except for the burning hot weather.. however the rain that comes after becomes sweeter and more appreciated.. enduring the blazing sun and humidity was all worth it.. hmm never thought of it this way before..

As ever, Vietnam remains a conundrum to me. I read Catfish and Mandala, written by a viet-kieu, the term used for ppl who fled the country after the fall of Saigon (aka Americans in South Vn, to put it crudely). The confusion comes from the fact that i have some really good Vnese friends. It also stems from the fact that most books on Vn are written by foreigners, American-vnese, most whom only have bad things to say about the country. But my relationships with these few vnese friends that i have only shown me compassionate people who love their country and father (Ho Chi Minh) despite the.. misgivings.. for lack of  a better word. In fact, vnese are the most poetic people ive met, not in the sense that they write poetry... but their characters are poetic.. bordering romantic.. towards their country, their people, their daily life, their culture, their history.. and especially their history.. a thousand years of war.. Chinese, French, Japanese, Americans.. i cannot explain it... but i see it in the songs they write and sing, how they talk about their war-torn country, their rituals and cultural beliefs.. and yet when i read about vietnam, the general tone is that.. its bad, ravaged, lost souls.. you get the drift. Its hard to fathom really.. there are many sides to a story. but then again, my interest in this confusion that is vietnam may have actually started from something else entirely... which i rather not divulge.

Next i finally finished the reading the Chronicles of Narnia.. the final 3 books.. and a few moments ago, i finished Dan Brown's new book, Inferno.. im contemplating to read another, now that my Prof seemed to be okay about me not having done anything during this break.. he replied my email at 2 am this morning.. i dont feel guilty anymore.. but i did promise to work twice as hard when i go back.. not sure whether this is wise.. but oh well..

terpaksa la aku jadi nerd kuasa 8 juta for the next 5 months..

sometimes i wished i was a historian rather blowing my head with reactor physics.. what the hell was i thinking, taking the most difficult subject for my thesis?! smart-ass. anyway, there's no turning back.. all systems go! starting next week that is.

now.. what book should i read next... 

Almost Been Kissed.. and other stories

Music: Creep by TLC

First of all, to Idd.. i cannot believe we were at Jeju the same time! oh well..

Didn't think anyone was reading this blog haha.

Anyway, this is gonna be an entry of all the weird shit i got from guys while I was in Egypt and Jordan.. I just finished a marathon of Dexter seasons 5,6,and 7.. So my brain is sorta fucked up now.. that show can do that to you..

Alright..

It was only my second day of the month-long trip.. I was exploring downtown Amman alone.. i didnt really have any plans... started in the morning.. so lets cut to the chase.. around 3pm or so.. after spending 1 hour at the local library and having lunch at the Roman Amphitheater.. I started wandering away from downtown.. when I realized some guy was following me.. he was watching me.. at first i thought i was being paranoid.. but when i saw he was always behind me.. stopping when i stopped.. walked when i walked.. i realized he was really following me.. i started walking faster.. made sure i was always next to the main road.. where there were many cars.. took some pics here and there like a tourist, just didnt want him to know that i was panicking a bit. whenever i turned a corner and he couldnt see me.. i will run a bit to make a head way.. didnt want him to know i was running.. finally lost him.. come to think of it, i shouldnt have acted as a tourist and tried to blend in as a local instead.. ok mental note.

walked some more for an hour.. just following the crowd.. some women.. turns out i sort of made a big circle and ended back in downtown.. another guy approached me.. he wasn't arab.. he told me he's korean-american.. a transfer student.. he seemed harmless.. we chat a bit.. then he brought me to student hangout area for foreign students.. felt safe there.. met 2 australians at a a coffee shop.. then the 4 of us decided to go to the Citadel.. then we went for a drink.. the korean-american, turns out he lived near where I was staying..nearby Jordan University.. when we were on the bus.. he started being weird... to cut the long story short.. he told me wanted to kiss me. on the lips. and he said that like, directly. can u imagine a 30 minute conversation of him trying to convince me to do just that. wtf right? i managed to dodge it.. he even said, i dont have to do anything (suggesting he'll do the work). HAHAHA. and this happened only on my second day..

nothing happened for the next 10 days since I was hanging out with Malaysian friends.. then we parted in Aqaba since i was gonna take a ferry to Nuweiba.. they left after lunch time.. in that duration since they left until i boarded the ferry (at 12.30 AM), two guys (met them separately), invited me to their homes..i declined of course.. one guy was a divorcee.. another guy was in his early twenties.. the younger guy actually forced me to dance with him.. and later tried to hug me and kiss me as well.. managed to dodge it as well.. at one point i was shouting already.. crazy right.

I reached Nuweiba around 8am the next morning.. and went straight to Dahab (see previous posts). there was a guy from a shop here who knew me.. well, he called me to his shop.. sometimes its just so hard to say no.. but i learned to be stronger when it comes to declining things and people as time goes by.. throughout the 18 days i was in Egypt.. This guy, since he knew my real name, he always called me whenever i pass by his shop.. when he found out i was married for 1 year already (i wore a fake wedding ring and already have a fake story that comes with it whenever people asked).. this guy told me he was going to get married soon in about 40 days.. after chatting a few times.. at one point, he told me to share with him my 'first night' experience.. wtf rightttttttt.. i said no and no and no.. and he would insist and insist... after a few days he left me alone when it was obvious that i started ignoring him... another shopkeeper, also in Dahab.. took my phone from me and called his phone.. so that he has my number. he kept calling me for the next whole week.. i always didnt answer, until one time he called me when I was with my friend's friend in Cairo.. my friend is Malaysian, stayed at his house, and his friend is Egyptian and he sorta became my tour guide while i was in Cairo.. he took the phone from me, and answered it.. they exchanged some pleasantries.. lol.. then the calls stopped.I didnt get bothered much in Cairo coz of Mr. Bodyguard.. i was also most of the time watching movies and series at home at my friend's apartment..

in Luxor, some shopkeeper tricked me into writing a 'love letter' to his 'girlfriend' in the UK.. i knew i was being tricked but i went along with it because i didnt want him to get too angry or anything.. said no to buying anything from his shop, except for 2 bottles of water.. which i needed anyway, and he finally let me go..
when i was in Aswan, a Nubian guy cooked me dinner on his felucca... a really nice guy... i wasn't afraid of him.. but he did suggest for me to marry him and be his second wife.. he said his wife wouldn't mind.. hahahahhaa. i suppose he thinks i am rich.. i did read some articles before, some Egyptians do have foreigner wives.. usually older and rich.. and single.. with permission from their Egyptian wife.. since life is so hard there now, its not easy to make a living in Egypt especially for people who depend on tourism as income all their life.. its a win-win situation.. the lonely older rich European women get their sex fix, while the Egyptian guys get money to support their real family.. crazy right..

On my second last day of the trip, I was in Alexandria alone.. this city is quite nice... a welcome change from Cairo.. i went to visit King Farouk's castle.. there is a huge park there.. i was walking along a road.. right next to the palace.. it was a public area..open space.. many people were around.. mostly families and couples.. but spread sparsely around the park.. i was snapping a picture of the palace.. which was on my right... from the corner of my eye i saw a red car which stopped next to the road.. the driver came out.. and crossed the road to the side where i was walking.. i didnt pay attention too much.. as i finished snapping the picture... i looked in front of me.. and this guy, the driver of the red car.. was in front of me.. with his stupid fucking ugly ass of a dick out of his pants.. his fucking hands on it.. and he was shaking it up and down.. while looking at me.. smiling.. WTF right!!! i know about flashers... but i didnt think it would happen to me in freakin' Egypt!!! i pretended i saw nothing, not even a flicker of expression or any response.. i walked past this asshole like nothing happened.. and went on snapping pictures.. i think i handled it quite well.. i didnt shout..not a sound came out from me.. i know these guys get thrilled if the girl freaks out.. sick mother fuckers..

Later, on the same day, i walked to Qaitbey Fort.. it was a walk along the sea.. and next to the main road.. and the stalker thing happened again.. this guy followed me for at least 20 minutes... i wasnt scared this time, it was next to a busy main road and he couldnt possibly do anything to me without attracting attention... when i walked, he walked.. when i walked fast.. he walked fast.. when i slowed down.. he slowed down.. when i stopped... he would walk past me... wait out front.. and when i walk pass him, he would start following me again.. it was obvious because he kept looking at me.. and he was talking on his phone the whole while... i was figuring out how to get rid of him.. and make him stop.. i saw a mother with her child sitting down by the pavement, watching the sea... i went to sit next to them.. smiled at the mother.. and did what they did.. i enjoyed the view.. took pictures.. the guy stopped nearby and continued talking on his phone while keeping his eyes on me.. then the mother and child left.. so i moved on.. a few minutes later saw a chinese couple... went to them and talked to them.. tourist to tourist.. started the usual conversation topics ive had with many other travelers. then i told them what was happening and made it obvious that i was pointing to the guy who was following me.. so that he saw i was pointing at him.. identifying him.. making others identify him.. actually i was hoping the chinese couple were walking to the fort as well so we could walk together, but they were going in the opposite direction.. anyway, the trick worked.. by the time we finished talking, the guy was out of sight.. gone..

so there you go.. the creeps i met.. other things like being touched.. on the shoulder.. my back.. on the hands.. and arms.. is normal.. the fact that i wore a tudung didnt stop these guys.. muslim or not.. im not an arab women so they think they can get away with it i suppose..

so there you go.. some personal stories of a foreign muslim woman traveling alone in Egypt and Jordan.. i was prepared.. so i wasn't that shocked.. but i was more shocked that i handled the situations better than i expected.. because of these experiences... i really don't encourage any woman to travel alone in Egypt especially.. if you think u cant handle these kinds things.. or scared.. or whatever.. however, i myself don't have any regrets..

and i'd like to quote what my professor thought of me, which he said to me some weeks back,

"I think you think that all men are stupid"

i just smiled and said, "no comment". HAHAHA. 

Under the Stars (Part 2)

Music: Try A Little Tenderness by Michael Buble

..continued from previous post

Walking at the Nabq mangrove area was pretty nice.. High Pitt, Biggy and I spent more than an hour there.. the feeling of the soft mud was amazing on my feet.. took some pictures.. High Pitt almost lost his camera (actually his university's camera) but we managed to find it again.. by the time we went back to our temporary roofless dwelling it was past 5pm, and our food was almost ready..

Cancun and Sweetie were already lying down on the makeshift carpet, taking a rest.. High Pitt went to join them and lied down beside Sweetie.. whereas Biggy and I took our spot next to our Bedouin guides.. waiting for food to be served.. the smell was soooo good and my stomach was already growling..

And then, all of a sudden.. Cancun was shouting and trying to hit High Pitt.. he actually punched High Pitt in the face... while shouting...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY GIRLFRIEND???? YOU THINK I DIDN'T SEE YOU PUT YOUR HAND ON HER ASS??" (Actually he said more things... but basically that's the gist of it)

Sweetie was screaming.. "Oh my god... please stop!!! Stop it!!! Oh my god.. oh my god"

The bedouins quickly broke up the fight... "Its ok.. its ok... no problem here.. no problem... its ok"

Cancun finally said.. "I've never punched anyone before in my life! Oh my god that felt so good!"

and I was all the while watching the whole commotion from where I was sitting.. basically in awe of what was happening.. you see, I've never witnessed people literally fighting and punching before.. and I was also thinking how funny the situation was.. the whole day I noticed High Pitt was flirting with Sweetie.. lying down very close to her... whispering in her ears.. and stuff.. and she responded to him.. I guess Cancun just couldn't bare it anymore.. hahahaha

after that, Sweetie and Cancun went out of our camp site. to talk I guess.. High Pitt smiled sheepishly to the rest of us and said "Sorry about that" and Biggy had a 'I'm sorry it happened' expression on his face.. the Bedouins immediately served the food, and I started conversing with them like nothing happened... and the food was heavenly! by the time we finished eating, Sweetie and Cancun were still not back yet.. then High Pitt and Biggy went to walk by the beach.. and I stayed talking to Bedouins, drinking the delicious Egyptian tea.. and listening to the older Bedouin singing and playing a tune with a handmade guitar made of a tin, some sticks.. and steel strings..

Some minutes later, while the entertainment was ongoing, Sweetie and Cancun came back to eat, we left some food for them.. they said sorry.. I said, don't worry about it.. and we all just pretended nothing happened and talked like everything was normal..

When sunset was closing in, I went to sit with Biggy outside and we talked some more.. nothing much was said about the drama, but he did mention something along the lines of.. "It takes two to tango".. hahaha. Sweetie came to us later and profusely apologized to us... we brushed it off..

When it was already dark, we started packing up to go back to Dahab..I took a position at the back of the pickup truck such that I could lie down and face the sky.. and the view was simply amazing.. it was so dark, so quiet, the silence only broken by the truck's engine.. for 90 minutes, I was only watching the stars, while listening to Jason Mraz's latest album on my ipod.. it was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever experienced.. incredible really..

Although it wasn't the first time I've seen that many stars, in fact I've seen many more and even more amazing views when I was in Southern Australia.. but somehow the feeling was different.. it was more poignant, more meaningful.. I guess it had to do with me traveling alone.. and the many feelings that came with it throughout my trip.. I just cannot explain it really..

By the time we got back to Dahab, we said our goodbyes.. it was Biggy's and Sweetie's last night in Egypt.. I went to check in a new backpackers place for the night..

Two days later (the day before, I went to climb Mount Sinai aka Jabal Musa, so I didn't see High Pitt), I spent the whole day with High Pitt, he brought me to the Blue Hole on his recently repaired rented scooter.. while sitting on the small hill we hiked enjoy the view of the Blue Hole from a high point, we talked about what happened that day in Nabq.. what he felt, what really happened, why it happened etc.. he also asked whether I have Sweetie's contact details.. I did not... I made it a point to never suggest to keep in touch with any travelers I met, unless they suggest it themselves.. I'm ok with them being just fellow travelers that I've crossed paths with.

At one point, High Pitt said to me...

"Do you know what would be good thing to do right now?"

I sort of already guessed what he was gonna say.. but I didn't answer his question, I just looked sideways to him and gave a 'don't even think about it' look..

But he continued anyway and said, "Excuse me for being direct, but it would be really good to have sex here right now".

Hahahahahah shit. Out of reflex, I hit his legs.. and 5 minutes later, fearing that he might do something, I suggested we go down (where there were many people).. although if anything happened up there, I could scream and shout and people down by the beach will definitely hear me.. or I could kick him, and he would fall down the hill and could probably die or hurt himself really bad..

So we went down, walked to El Bells.. then drank some tea.. and drove back to Dahab, said our goodbyes.. and I left the next day, for Cairo.

Btw, why the nicknames?

High Pitt = he was high almost all the time, smoking weed.. and he also resembled Brad Pitt when he smiles.
Biggy = he was big, and his first name starts with the letter Y.
Cancun = he's the owner of a backpacker's hostel in Cancun, Mexico.
Sweetie = she is such a sweet, nice, pleasant girl.. and her sexy French accent is the icing on the cake.

Fortress of Solitude

Not only Superman has a fortress of solitude.

I'm now in Jeju island, have been since Saturday. I know i'm supposed to continue my story from my last post, i'll do that when i get back ok.

Its the second time i'm here. Bought the flight tickets on impulse. I was feeling like crap, so I wanted some peace of mind, and get away from everyone. Which is not easy to do in a small and isolated university, and with the amount of school work that i have, its almost impossible to get a break.

So yeah, i'm running away. But I'm going back tmrw coz i have class..

I wish i can stay here longer.

Under the Stars (Part 1)

Music: Spiderwebs by No Doubt

Last week was the first time i looked at the pictures from my trip back in January. Yeah after 3 months. I dont know why i didnt have the urge before. Or im just plain lazy like that.

Anyway, the memories came flooding back.. And i would like to recall my experience in Dahab.. get ready for a long read, coz im just in the mood to write, and my 4 days in Dahab is the favorite part of my month-long trip.. and my memory is still fresh... hehe.

This small coastal getaway was my first stop in Egypt, as i had come via ferry from Jordan (that experience deserves its own entry, some other time ok). I didnt read much about Dahab. I only know that i wanted to see the blue hole and climb Jabal Musa here. I arrived, without any accommodations reserved. It was deserted, nobody was up and about yet and it was 10am.

I was walking aimlessly, trying to find where to stay based on some recommendations by the american whom i took a taxi ride with from Nuweiba port to Dahab. Muhammad started chatting me up, offered me to stay at his hotel for a cheap price, i told him to bring me to the money exchanger first, then we looked at the room, before i agreed. I walked around to take some pics of the gorgeous blue Red Sea, then i flatlined until sunset coz of the sleepless night i had on the overnight ferry.

Woke up and found out the water wasnt running n there was no electricity (i checked before checking in and both were available before i went to sleep) so i decided to take a walk.. I wasn't pissed at all about this. I surprised myself with my reaction at the time. Usually I get cranky when there's a blackout

Walked into a bookstore, turns out Muhammad owns the store.. Met a couple, a Canadian-Mexican-American (sounds like he has an identity problem, lol) and a French girl.. (lets call them Cancun and Sweetie), i found out later they were previously in a relationship, they've broken up, but decided to travel together again.. so the status is "complicated". haha. then 2 German guys came in, one of them came in to check on his broken rented scooter (oh, the bookstore also doubled as a bike rental store, and fixes broken bikes too). 5 of decided to get some dinner.. and the couple who has been staying in Dahab for a month coz they love the place so much, brought us to this Sudanese restaurant.. and the food was awesome~~~~~ the taste is similar to Malay food..and when i used my hands to eat, the Sudanese cook praised me.. saying this is the right way to eat.. awwyeahhhh. Another older Egyptian who is friends with the Sudanese restaurant owner came to join us.. we talked and drank tea.. he lives and works in London, but he came back to Egypt to buy a house coz he wanted to retire there... and we talked and talked and talked until late.. went to eat some halawiyat (sweets.. sama geng with bakhlava).. tried the kinafah coz to compare with Jordan's... was not as good.. I think from now on I will try all the kinafahs in the world, if i have the chance to go to more middle east/arab countries again..

After some discussion, all of us, minus the old guy decided to hangout at Nabq the next day..over an hour drive from Dahab, southwards, nearby Sharm El Sheikh.. one of the German guy, lets call him High Pitt, is a marine biologist currently doing some research in Dahab for his masters degree.. and the other German is his friend who was there to visit.. lets call him Biggy.. so High Pitt was going on about how nice this place is, and about the mangrove area there, which he claimed is super beautiful and nice and what not..

After halawiyeh, we went to get some shisha at one of the quieter places in town, the shop facing the sea.. and drank more tea.. that night i bought some candles coz my lodge was still blacked out. The next morning, i asked Muhammad about whether we gonna get back the water and electricity, turns out we will not.. i wanted to pay him, then he said he wasnt going to charge me.. my first night in Egypt and I stayed for free.. nice eyy..

By the time High Pitt came to pick me up, they came 30 minutes late, but we started out even later because Cancun and Sweetie, who was also staying at the same place where i was, needed some time to pack up all their things (remember they've been living there for a month).. and move out to another place. and Sweetie was actually leaving the next day to finally meet her family after traveling non-stop for 1 and a half years.. and this had to happen to her on her second last day in Dahab..

So off we went, eating the super delicious falafels that High Pitt bought on the back of a pickup truck.. riding off towards Nabq, driven by a bedouin and his uncle (i forgot their names.. maybe the younger one was called Hussein i think).. we had to stop in the middle of some desert because Cancun had to throw up.. he went to the back of some small hill somewhere.. while we waited.. High Pitt started being physical with Sweetie.. hugging, touching her ass.. sitting very close.. etc.. when Cancun wasn't around.. I can see that Sweetie welcomed it.. hahahaha.. technically Cancun and Sweetie weren't together, but they had a history of course. all this i didn't know yet at the time...

Cancun came back, we went on our way.. stopped at a small bedouin village where they lived next to the sea, right on the shores of the Red Sea.. to buy some fish.. for lunch.. or actually, little did i know it was going to be for early dinner coz by the time we ate it was at 5pm. our guides stopped us at an empty roofless dwelling, where we put our stuff.. they started preparing things etc... the rest of us went to take some pics together.. then Biggy and I decided to walk to a nearby shipwreck.. called the Maria Schroeder shipwreck.. i don't know the history or anything about this wreck.. the couple went to walk together.. and High Pitt went to walk alone around the mangrove area..

Biggy was really cool.. in fact, i had many conversations with him on many interesting topics, he's open  minded.. basically we hit it off the moment we met in the bookstore the night before.. he's also doing his masters.. so i chose to hangout with him.. he also has a very keen eye on things that are hidden. he can spot camouflaged animals, shells, plants, even small ones.. and he would point them out to me.. and pick them up for me to have a better look.. after our short excursion to the ship wreck, we went to find High Pitt at the mangrove area...

..to be continued

Alone Apart

All i want to do right now is go somewhere far away where nobody knows me. 

Who said masters students have it easy?

Music: Falling Apart by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

Yeah, I've been f**kin busy.

What is there to talk about? the Koreas ain't going to war, incase you're wondering. hehe.

I have been on super high gear for 4 weeks, non-stop.. studying.. doing projects.. and then the gear broke. I've been in the parking spot for a week now. I should start cruising again and just stay on auto mode from now on. Its too tiring to speed all the time.

As a group leader for one of my projects this semester, I've been quite the perfectionist, and sometimes harsh to unperforming group members (or just one person actually). I've also unconsciously set the bar too high and that made some group members feel the pressure. I need to take a step back and relax. But then again, I don't like sloppy work and half-hearted efforts.

Emotionally, I've been weird and unpredictable. I'm so unstable. Suffice to say my heart has been broken to pieces, mended, and broken again, and mended again.. Tried to freeze it but I felt suffocated. Now its in a badly sewn state, strung together by a thin red-colored thread, vulnerable to even a soft breeze.

Wow. Dramatic.

Its not that bad as it sounds though. And I have to admit that solving nuclear reactor core calculations and running simulation codes is really fun! something that I look forward to doing, everyday (for now).

oh what a nerd. 

Do I Know Myself?

Music: The Mission by 30 Seconds to Mars

So I'm back in this godforsaken university.. another year to go. Nevertheless, the moon is shining so bright and the sky so clear that my lightless room is illuminated like a spot light. If there is only one thing I could miss when I leave this place it would be the amazing view of the sea from my room balcony. Anyway, since its back to mundane student life, there's nothing much to tell on what is currently going on in my life. I did become emcee during the new students' orientation a few days back though, if you think that is exciting story. However, there are so many stories to be told regarding my solo trip to Egypt and Jordan. So many that I really have no idea where to start. I probably should break it down into themes.. or just write whatever I feel like at any one time, eh?

Referring to the title of this post, I ask in retrospect now, after all that has happened the past year, and most significantly, the past 2 months, how much do I really know myself? How much more have I yet to discover? (Btw I went to Vietnam too, so its 3 countries in a span of 7 weeks).

Solo travelers usually blog about how traveling solo brings about amazing discoveries about oneself..

Thinking back, and what I found out about myself was that, I am quite a brave person (this is not an angkat bakul statement), bordering reckless even, considering I was a woman alone in one of the places where woman don't usually travel to alone (i.e. Egypt). A few times I put myself in a dangerous situation, yet I'm so lucky that when nothing bad happened to me, I don't learn from my scary experiences and went on being reckless again. After a thorough and long process of self-diagnose, it appears to me that my trusting nature that most people only have good intentions is the culprit. Actually I have been wayyyy less trusting of people than say 5 years ago, but I guess its still a wee bit too much. I've recounted many stories about my trip to many friends, part crazy part hilarious and part dangerous, except for two stories which I am sort of ashamed to tell anyone. Don't be worried or alarmed though, nothing bad happened to me, and I didn't do anything wrong/sinful either. Its just that I am ashamed to tell the story because it happened due to my own stupidity and recklessness and naivety, despite all the experiences I have on me.

As much as the whole solo trip was a wonderful and exciting experience for me, I would strongly advice against women traveling solo to Egypt, unless you are a seasoned traveler that can handle situations like being physically harassed constantly or being followed, or when nothing ever goes to plan, calmly (calm is key, don't panic, so you can think of a way out clearly). I was probably a "half-ripe" traveler before this trip, but now I'm well seasoned I think, hahaha. Btw, Jordan is much safer than Egypt in general, although the two dangerous situations that I was in, which I've kept a secret from everyone, happened to me in Jordan.

Anyway, I also discovered that I can totally spend time alone and not feel lonely. I really do know how to enjoy my own company (selingan: I could actually write "enjoy myself", but after watching a marathon of Game of Thrones and 2 Broke Girls, everything sounds dirty to me hahaha). Being alone is actually a much easier thing to do in a foreign place because, well, for the sole reason that everything's foreign! Nothing is familiar, therefore there are so many things to discover, to see, to digest. Although it would be fun to have a companion for me to make jokes and give comments about the things and people I see and encounter.. but its something I got used to, talking to no one and everyone in particular. In fact, many a time I feel lonelier among friends, even close friends, than when I'm alone. Like right now.

I also discovered how much of a bad thing I can handle, and its quite amazing really. In many situations, I would imagine someone I know traveling with me, and wonder whether those people can take it or not. Some people made the cut, some people failed miserably (ahhh.. the things we come up with to entertain ourselves). Anyway, its pretty easy really, the key is to always have an open mind and an enormous sense of humor. Faith in what Allah has planned for us is of course definite, its the thing that have kept me sane and grounded and not want to kill myself (totally exaggerated for effect) all these years. Trust that everything will go well, and Allah will keep you safe if you pray to him sincerely and always (not only when you're in trouble).

Ok I'm planning to ganti puasa this whole week, before winter is over.. its time for sahur now. Till my next entry. 

Back to square one

Current location: Sa Pa, Vietnam

Current state of mind: Lonely & confused

Nevertheless, lets just enjoy the view.

Sunset Blues

At this moment, im sitting by the beach in Aqaba, Jordan, looking out to the Red Sea, just after sunset.. On the other side of the sea is a city in Israel called Eilat. Its about 6-9 deg celcius cold.. Al-Sharif Husein bin Ali Mosque behind me has just finished maghrib prayers, i planned to go and was ready with wuduk when i left the hotel but a teenage boy wanted a pic w me just now as i was walking down the beach and he shook my hand after. A dear old man with a thick graying beard, probably Egyptian by his looks.. just passed by. He was picking up trash and cleaning up the beach.. I start to think how he ended up here, doing this job.. Earning an honest wage to feed his family.. Maybe he's an educated man but because of the situation on Egypt, he cant find a better job.. (Assuming he's Egyptian). Another teenage boy just asked if i wanted coffee.. La shukran..

Its at least 8 hrs before my ferry leaves for Nuweiba, Egypt. Just gonna have to past the time.. Im having separation blues coz my travelmates have gone back to Irbid..
A group of Malaysian students took me on a wonderful roadtrip.. Not without its challenges.. Its been a pretty crazy and cool and awesome 12 days.. Im all alone now. Will be until i reach Cairo in about 5-6 days Insya Allah.

Maybe i should head back to hotel now and watch some movies.. Its getting prettty cold already..

Another teenage boy just passed by and said to me "welcome to Jordan".. Thank you very much! I'll be leaving now, thanks for the wonderful memories and of course the delicious Jordanian delicacies.. :)