The "R" word...

So I am befuddled...

Why is the word "Relationship" such an off putting topic?!

Seems like alot of the guys out here in LA are so put off with being monogamous and just want to literally fuck around all time. I don't get it! It's like no one wants to be in a relationship; and yet those do, want to take their time. Fine, I understand you gotta make sure you two are compatible, appreciate each other's time and what have you. Granted, there are those who are scared about committing. That really bothers me...

Case in point. So, DM and I had entertained his idea of grabbing dinner at Mark's Restaurant a few Mondays ago. So he finally gets back to me and confirms he can do it. So then I was like great it's a dinner date. Which did not set well with him. He stated that it's not a date cause we're not dating. He knows I like him, but before he stated we're just friends for now. Okay, I accept that. But honestly a dinner date, does not mean we're dating. It's just that, a dinner date. It doesn't entail anything other than us having dinner. I didn't get what the big deal was.

Rebuttle. Then we hung out last weekend, caught a free screening on the movie lot (it was horrible!!! Don't ever see Meet the Spartans...so NOT worth it! Thankfully saw it for free! :P) then had dinner at Sonora Cafe. Which was a great place BTW! :D Anyways, so we got there early for our reservation and we go and have some drinks at the bar until our table was called. He tells me about a date he had with this younger guy from the CL ad he put up. He called that a date?! Um...okay...why won't he let me validate our times hanging out as dates?! Am I missing something here?!

Furthermore, I asked him out for Valentine's Day. I didn't call it a date in fear of labeling it would put him off from the whole idea. He said yes, but I've so far only acknowledged it as "hanging out." I really like him and, honestly, why would I ask if I wasn't interested? He asked me why him [as my v-day choice] and of course I said, "Cause you're an awesome guy and I enjoy hanging out with you." Clearly, I like him...I guess he wanted to hear me say it.

I wanted to see him this weekend too, but he had work today. I understand that. Work is important and I would never want to get in the way of it. And then tomorrow he is doing work from home whilst watching the Superbowl. I had hoped he would invite me over to just hang out and watch while he worked, but I guess that too might be troublesome since he has to focus on his work. That's fine. I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm just being a bit too needy at this point. I dunno?

Well, we'll see how this upcoming Saturday goes as he's attending my birthday celebration. If any of you that I know are in LA, let me know and I'll let you know where it's at if you wanna partake on the festivities. It should be fun!!! I really, really like DM. I just wish he would let me know if he feels the same way or if I'm just leading myself on. I know he said "just friends, for now," but that is so open ended!!! >:O Maybe I need to ask him like I did with MG (the guy who runs his own business). I'll have to think about that...Maybe on v-day...good a time as any right?! :T

Pardon the incongruity of this post...More soon on other things from this past month...but this has been on my mind as of late and I needed a sounding board...

fI

Halloween + WeHo + Alcohol = Debauchery!!!, Part 01...

OMG! Last night was a night of infamy! Across the board not only for myself but for my coworkers who I hung out with in WeHo for Halloween! It was out of control to say the least!

So yesterday was a bit crazed because I had to go from a team lunch to North Hollywood for a Client party and then back to Beverly Hills to meet up with coworkers at the office.

Got all that craziness accomplished (not to mention several cute boys along the way: one who had his undies exposed while sitting [picture to be uploaded] at lunch at Izakaya and then at the Client party in the Ghostbusters outfit [no picture, unfortunately]), my coworkers and I made our way over to Santa Monica Blvd at 6PM to have dinner at Skewers. Great food as always...I managed to get down a Cantaloupe Martini.

We make our way back out and end up going to a pre-party all the way on Orlando and 3rd, actually off of Blackburn via a $20 cab ride. Yes, $20. The cabbie wouldn't shut up about how much we would pay him. We get there and I met a few "new" coworkers (and by new I mean I've seen them around but never officially met them) and had a shot of Jameson & Baileys (is that a Buttery Nipple?!), a Miller Lite, then another shot of just Jameson. Gawd, I was feeling it after all that. Everyone at the pre-party filed out onto the street and two of my coworkers decided we wanted to head back to WeHo. Luckily (strangely?!), we found the same cabbie had come back and was just down the street from where he dropped us off. Another $20 cab ride...

So we get back and head over to Here Lounge because a boy said he'd be there (and I then later found out he wasn't even there yet! *sigh*). So we get in after about a 15-20 minute wait in line and a $5 cover charge. Not bad! So we get some more drinks, I had an Oatmeal Cookie on the rocks the bartender (dressed as Tarzan) ended up comping to my coworker. I guess she "cute"-ed her way to get that one! :P Anyways, so this is where the night gets crazier for me and my coworkers...

Okay fuck...this is gonna have to be a two parter...more tomorrow! It's too fucking late for me right now and I'm plum tuckered out! Until then...

fI

P.S. That initial picture should whet your appetites for the rest of the story to follow...I have no idea what that guy's name was, but he had a gorgeous body and a nice ass to go with it! :D If you look closely...my arm trails down...somewhere... Oh and not to mention I spotted another amateur Porn Star!!! (Former according to him...more on that later...)

I've got a case of the J's...

So I apparently have too many boys I'm into that have their name start with the letter J.

First there's J1, whom, I can proudly say, I am able to be friends with. After having met him at speed dating in the beginning of August, I started chatting him up over AIM in the beginning of October. He was straightforward with me and said that he'd be okay with us being friends. At first it was a bit hard to do so, but I finally got over the attraction. We hung out at the mall, chat online alot of the time during work hours and I've hung out at his place. Right now, I feel we're in a really good place as far as our friendship; it's burgeoning to be a long lasting friendship.

Then there's J2, whom I also met at speed dating, but he's playing so many damn games! He has social ADD as I have experienced when I decided to go out with him and his friends the other Saturday evening. Long story short, after having danced somewhat intimately with him, he asks me if I like him. I nod in agreement and he follows with, "only as friends, right?" BURN!!! So then we exit the club without his friends (a guy and a girl) and he says to me that he's seeing the guy we left behind with his friends. DOUBLE BURN!!! UGH...the next day I was quite annoyed with the games J2 played, so I was quite curt with him that Sunday morning. Hanging out with J2 three days in a row was a REALLY bad idea.

And finally J3, randomly sought him out on facebook. How shallow, I know. But he's completely gorgeous albeit a cynic. I've fallen in love with his musical taste (as per his playlist on his myspace) and I enjoy our conversations. Although he's miles away, I'm hoping that when he gets back in town, he'll be open to grabbing something to eat or drink to just get to talking. He says he's a bad boy friend, reason being that he's all about pleasing himself and not particularly caring about the person he's with. Also taht he hates explaining himself more than once. He continues to say he's a jerk, but I feel it's a wall he's built up and I'm quite enamored by him, physically and mentally. Hopefully, in due time, we'll see where it goes...

Okay so next topic on the list is talking about the So Cal Social Club mixer #2 for me...it was actually a really great time this time around. REALLY great time...

fI

Dejected...

So today marked the first week of my new job.

As well as a banner day for an ebb and flow of emotions.

This past Wednesday, I got daring and attended a speed dating event in West Hollywood (herein, WeHo). Suffice it to say, it was definitely an interesting time, with definitely a few stand outs in the crowd, in particular 3 guys. And of the 3 guys, 2 had expressed a mutual interest. The funny thing with this speed dating is that in order for you to be matched, both parties have to be in agreement. Yes, makes sense. But what didn't at the time is that those who were seated never got to meet any of the others that were seated so you kinda had to "cruise" the scene, but by that time the venue had music blaring and the lights off, so you couldn't really conduct a coherent conversation. Lucky for me my Fruit Flies (as the Twins have gotten dubbed by their friend) were patiently waiting for me outside of the venue. I took them in to meet one of the guys I took a liking to. Said guy had mentioned he'd be partying in WeHo this Friday, today.

So over the next few days leading to today, Friday, I was quite nervous as I had emailed both the guys that had responded; and yet neither have responded back. So my day was set with anticipation waiting for a response from the one guy who said he'd be partying in WeHo. All day I sat at the edge of my seat waiting for an email, a text or a phone call. It was quite abyssmal on my part to be on bated breath for a response. I get home from work and finally get a text from said guy. I got excited. And with that I set myself up for disappointment. Long story short, I obviously didn't end up going out as I'm sitting here typing this.

So now I have relegated my evening to watching DVD 1 of season 3 of Queer As Folk, wallowing in some Framboise (read: probably the whole bottle) and soon in a bag of Cheetos...What an awesome way to end a craptacular evening...

fI

Tooting Your Horn...

Okay, I'm never in the business to toot my own horn (we all know we all end up doing that one time or another; and some more than the rest of us :X), but this article I think is spot on (at least for me).

Take are quick read:

Decode your birth order

By Lisa Lombardi

Want some fresh insight into your love personality? Forget about whether you’re a Leo, Pisces or Aquarius; instead, consider whether you’re a first-born, middle child, or baby of the family. If you want to understand how you operate in every kind of relationship, “understanding birth order is a lifesaver,” stresses psychologist Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of The Birth Order Book. Read on for your dating personality:

If you’re an only child:
You’re a rock-solid citizen—and sweetie. “Only children are super-reliable,” Dr. Leman says. “They’re like oldest children to the extreme.” Growing up with only adults made you into a little grown-up early on—serious and dependable. You’re the rare person who will stay up half the night helping a friend or partner prep for a licensing exam or a big work presentation. You’re the type to move your partner’s car so he or she doesn’t get a ticket. Punctual and true to your word, onlies like you never leave a loved one waiting for a call or email. And you’re articulate, too, so your date can expect great conversations that really make a person think.

Your love challenge:
Admit it: You’re a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe you send back steaks that aren’t cooked just so or point out a teeny-tiny stain on your date’s sweater. Also, you’re so cautious and pragmatic, you can be very slow to act (read: Someone else has to make the first move).

Best match:
Youngest kid, because you balance each other out. The baby of the family adds the spontaneity and romance, while you make sure you two aren’t dining by candlelight because the electric bill never got paid!

So what are you all?

fI

P.S. So I was having a heated discussion with BFoR's sister regarding the photo she took. The original vs. the photoshopped version (which I did)...which do you like better (click on the image for a higher res version)?! (Ignore the watermarks and the text)...Feedback appreciated! :D

Secret Lovers...

I just love this commercial!!!

Not to mention at the end of the clip the hottie's who's GF is on his best friend's five, has a great ass! At the 0:09-0:10 second mark you get a nice profile view of his bubble butt (clothed, unfortunately!). Who is he?!


fI

San Francisco, There I Went...

First off, I didn't really go to San Francisco, per se. I drove through it but was dead asleep...I'll explain that later...

So last Thursday evening, I flew out to San Jose Airport for a 4 night, 3 day weekend.

I arrived at the airport in due time, in which the flight didn't serve drinks due to some rough turbulence. And as the stewardess said, "We'd rather serve you drinks than wear them." Hah! :D

One of my best friends from high school, THTJ (from now on we use the acronyms of everyone's full name) had picked me up with her now fiancee. We headead out from the airport and grabbed some dinner over in Downtown Mountain View on Castro Street (not the one in SF). After dinner we headed out to get some boba aka tapioca drinks at Verde Tea Cafe where my other best friend from high school, CYG and her boyfriend joined us. It was good times just chatting, laughing and hanging out for a good hour and a half. We called it a night by 11PM or so as CYG and BF had work the day after, whilst myself, THTJ and Fiancee did not. :)


Woke up to THTJ cooking up some breakfast of mango juice, scrambled eggs and bacon in a crossaint. Good eats as always at her new condo! :D We then proceeded to hit up the Chabot Space and Science Museum over in the outskirts of Oakland. It was a whirlwind visit as THTJ and fiancee are scouting for places to have their wedding ceremony for next year. There were WAAAAY too many kids there...horrible!!! >_<


We then headed out to the Berkeley Art Musuem which was an interesting museum. It's open and a concrete jungle, with the rooms sectioned off by stairs. You have to see it to understand. There was one room in particular, the Asian section of the museum was amazing, as it had beech colored wood walls, and rice paper accents, with walls scrolls drapped on the walls. Would have been a great ceremony spot but it definitely couldn't accomodate 100 attendees.


We also checked out the Faculty Club's glade at Cal, but THTJ wanted a different part of the field which was complicated in itself. On the way to the Faculty Club, we walked by Capenelli Tower which was shown in the movie A Peaceful Warrior.

Also gotta mention the new kicks I picked up at Urban Outfitters during our post lunch stroll! I was perusing the sale section, when I was came upon a box of shoes in my size...Vans to be exact with dark grey wool fabric and velcro straps...I've been looking for something like these forever! Oh noes! Price tag said $49.99 marked down from $85.00...still a bit steep! >_< I clung onto the box debating on buying the pair of shoes, when the salesperson fished me as I trekked around the store with THTJ and fiancee. She rang them up and said $32.61!!! I was elated and am now the proud owner of these shoes! I'm a shoe-a-phile, what can I say! :D


Anyways, back to my weekend. That evening we had a free dinner at an undisclosed location where I proceeded to take some hilarioius pictures of me in front of the location's logo with me crushing a tschotchke from my current job (long story short, it was me fulfilling a joke by my coworkers, which they thoroughly enjoyed!). Also reenacted the painting of Hiro versus the T-Rex...I may have just said too much of where I was. If you figure it out...good for you! ;)

Saturday rolls around and I lazily woke up as THTJ and fiancee head out for their weekend errands. I eventually get ready and get picked up by CYG and BF to head out to Sonoma Chicken Coop to meet up with DLP and CAAJ. So I find out as we are waiting for DLP and CAAJ at the restaurant, that DLP and CAAJ left later expecting me to be late! Bitches! :p So we enjoy a lazy lunch of chatting and trying to figure out what to do. CYG and BF leave me with DLP and CAAJ to hang out and we end up going to The Tech museum in Downtown San Jose. Good times at the museum!!! We then had an afternoon snack at Tea Station in Milipitas and then proceeded to drive around Berkeley trying to find our dinner location, Tanjias (a Moroccan restaurant).


Dinner was an awesome time had with some red wine (CAAJ kept trying to make me drink my wine, which I didn't really like to be honest), lots of food, rose water, eggplant mash with bread and some belly dancing. The dancer was NOT hot. She definitely could NOT turn me straight! There's a photo of myself in which I am trying to insert a dollar into her waist strap but man...I was weirded out by it! >_<

If I wasn't tired already, Sunday we got up early for some Dim Sum (a Chinese brunch of sorts, kinda like Spanish tapas, if that makes sense to some of you). We had planned on going into the City (aka SF) but it was far and would have taken us too much time to get to. So after lunch we trekked around for some dessert in the ajoining shopping center over at McCarthy Ranch, where a college buddy of mine, KK, swung by to say hi and I snapped a pic. His visit consisted of a mere 10 minutes as he had to drive his new woman back to San Jose for work. He is now a flat foot for Contra Costa, so do not speed through that area! You have been warned! :P We then headed back to the undisclosed location to play some pool for the rest of the afternoon before my flight.

Landed at 7:45PM on Sunday and got picked up by JST (friend from college who also works at the same company as me). Thanks to him for the ride to and from the Burbank airport! :D

And that evening, I also decided to tell CAAJ of my alternative lifestyle. She was very accepting! Thank lord! CAAJ felt she was totally in the dark and such but I explained to her the reason to my madness and she conceeded it made sense. Now that I'm out to her, it's great cause she's willing to help me find Mr. Right and be my wingwoman! Hopefully we'll hit Rage in WeHo soon for their Asian night! :D

It is now 1:17AM and I should head to bed. Not to mention I'm jumping back onto the fitness wagon! I ran a little over a mile today at the park near work before I went over to a coworkers pad to catch Planet Earth, the new Discovery Channel series presented in HD. It was a fuckin' visual overload! Some awesome camera work and shots! Amazing indeed! Anyways, next up: hanging out with BFoR's Sister, her arm candy, and BFoL! :D

fI

My hero!!!

So a co-worker sent me a link to find out who your Super Hero Lover is and here is what I got:

Figured some of you would get a laugh...So, who's your super hero lover?!

fI

P.S. I expect to see this on DB's (of A Procrastinating Wolverine) blog!!! :D

Closure...

So after a good 3 or 4 weeks now, I've finally given myself closure.

I've stricken Mr. Right Now from my cell phone, from Myspace, from Y! Messenger and almost soon enough, from my feelings.

Speaking of moving on, hopefully soon I will be going on a date with my next hopeful Mr. Right candidate. And hopefully get a little more connected with him and take things a little bit slower...definitely want this to be more of a long term relationship rather than some unknowing, naive, one night stand. And it sounds like the new Mr. Right candidate, just might be the one...we'll find out! :)

Well, with that, I am unfortunately going to make this entry short. Lately I'm not feeling very lengthy in my entries...but rather many different entries, rather than one entry every blue moon, right?!

And Lastly...

Random factoid: "The US and Australia are tied on being the gayest countries." (That's for you Dan! ;D) That's from Great Things About Being Queer, a 60 minute show showcasing 20 great things by being gay and the aforementioned random factoid. :D Oh and one other notable one was, #5 - You Get To See Everyone Naked! Hahaha ;)

fI

P.S. And I have to mention, Matt from Dudetube for some good advise on my closure with Mr. Right Now. Thanks Matt! :D

Long Time, No Post...

"It's been 7 hours and 15 days..." J/K Not really...well, maybe...almost.

And for that lack luster reference to Sinead O'Connor we kick the blog back into full gear!

So that last week I hadn't been feeling great at all and been completely drained to even do anything other than laying around and trying to recover. Work was painful staring at a screen 8 hours at a time all day and trying to concentrate. But you all get the jist of things...

Back to the Sinead reference. Went karaoke-ing with my coworkers one day after work last week...twas fun, despite being sick. Definitely needed that break between the monotony I know as my life.

But for now, until I get inspired (meaning: when I run out of chores to do in my apartment) I will write a full post. Just wanted to make sure I at least acknowledge that I am still alive and well (that's subjective). Probably get some more updates on myself, as far as where I currently stand on how I feel about my sexuality, as it has been lingering in my mind quite often these days...And so with that, the next post is to discuss how I really feel...

fI

Meanings and Realizations...

So I feel rejected, used and abused. Why you may ask? Well, let me tell you...

The last time I saw Mr. Right Now was October 23rd, when he came over and shared my evening with me to watch Heroes which was a great evening, that I don't doubt.

Now fast forward to today, two weeks later I haven't heard from him aside from a stray text on October 30th. Okay I don't know if I'm being clingy, said something wrong or I dunno what to think now from the days that all these thoughts and feelings transpired.

One thing I feel completely rejected, cause well, already having low self esteem, and then having gotten with Mr. Right Now, it was definitely going against what I have thought all along: that I am not hot or even have what it takes to find a boyfriend. And now this...being ignored. My self worth is fluctuating and it's definitely stammering my thoughts on whether I will be accepted regardless of looks...

Secondly, I feel used. Yes, used! My first time EVER with a guy was with Mr. Right Now, and I definitely feel like I was used as a quick lay. FUCK I'M STUPID! I gave it up so easy now that I look back. I didn't even stop him. And I guess that's where my previous thoughts had come up to tell him to slow down as I felt like I threw it all away in one night and it meant nothing to him. And my fears are definitely coming true. What I had thought was something special was taken from me and I will never get back. Ever.

Lastly...abused. I lay my whole self on the line...and for what? Losing "it" all in one night and a bj in the span less than a week. And two weeks later, what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I haven't had a thought spared for me the last two weeks. Not a text, not a call...nothing. I definitely feel embittered.

ESJ said to give Mr. Right Now benefit of the doubt, that hey may be busy. And I have tried to believe that. But in all honesty, how hard is it to call someone back and say that you are busy and that you'll get back to them as soon as you are free? Is it that hard?! I left him a message today:

"Hey, it's fI. Calling to say hi and see how you're doing. I haven't heard from you in a while, so I just wanted to catch up. I know you've been getting my phone calls. I mean if you don't want to talk to me ever again, that's fine I can understand. At least just tell me so I know. Thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

Okay, I know what you're thinking. That sounded desperate right? Well, if anything I want closure so I can just move the fuck on. That's all I want. I don't want to be strung along thinking there's something there (or that I thought something was there) and to only have my heart broken. What's even more fucked up is Mr. Right Now said he had been cheated on in his last relationship two years ago. I guess the shoe's on the other foot. Is it that hard to find a decent guy around here?

Is it?!...

fI

Happy Birthday to BFoR and Hallow's Eve...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cast of Characters...And then some!

So let me take this time to rundown a cast of characters, per se. I haven't really established a who's who, except for ESJ.

- Mr. Right (actually Mr. Right Now, until I figure things out): Younger guy I'm currently seeing...
- ElSenorJesse aka ESJ: An awesome friend who knows more about me than the common bloke and helps me understand what I don't...
- Best Friend on the Left aka BFoL: the bi best friend...since he's more liberal goes on the left...
- Best Friend on the Right aka BFoR: the Christian best friend...for his religion, which is to the right...
- Craigslist Movie Guy aka CLMG: Older guy I saw a movie with nearly a month and a half ago (important continuing storyline as he contacted me again the last two days, possible story on that after the list)...

So...where did I leave off? Oh yah...so the last few days CLMG contacted me again, saying he wanted to meet up and hang out and what have you. I haven't been quite honest with him and well trying to find a good reason not to go out with him as well. I think Mr. Right Now is definitely a good reason not to go out with him. And aside from the fact the guy is a bit older and well not my type. If I knew for a fact he wanted to go as friends to the movies, then maybe but at this point he knows that I hadn't done anything with a guy (which has changed) and found that it was quite intriguing that I haven't (at this point I'm a novelty).

And again today while i was with BFoL at Costco and enjoying my pepperoni pizza (thanks Dan for subliminally putting the thought of pizza in my mind with your last two blog entries!!! :p) I got a text from CLMG to see if I wanted to go see a movie. Of course that wasn't gonna happen since I was no where in town and well, at this point, I'm not willing to tread that territory 'til I'm sure he doesn't want to be more than just friends (which I'd happily oblige to do). Anyways, point is thanks, but no thanks. And my apoligies for leading him on (or at least what feels like I am doing). And while I'm at it...went to a Halloween party tonight, another new blog rater than an update to an old post! :D

fI

The Second...

So we finally got to hang out again after having a whirlwind time on Thursday evening.

I definitely enjoy his company, I know that for sure. I was anticipating it all day. Oh so very anxious, but I never let on to anyone really, even to him. I kept it inside like a prize for a job well done today at work (which by the way sucked monkey nuts as I was having a really bad case of the Mondays, which I should also mention a shout out to my coworker whom I think is hot for trying to cheer me up after my woes, but I digress...).

Was on my way to the gym and finally called him..."I just got up...Call me when you're done with the gym."

Finished up my cardio, then got into my car and called him back..."Hey I'm out to dinner right now, I'll call you when I'm done." So with that, I ran an errand to the ATM, then hopped on the freeway and as I got to my exit put in an order for my dinner..."It will be ready in 10 minutes." (Yum! Vegetarian Chinese food!). Got back to my apartment and lagged a bit online then showered and got going. Oh crap! 8:30PM! Way more than 10 minutes (mind you I called at 5 minutes before 8PM)! On my way there, he calls..."I'm home." Alright, I'll be there right after I pick up my food!Luckily, I got there in 5 minutes, looks like they were closing. Whoops! :X Anyways, headed straight for his place. Called him as I rounded the corner to his place..."Okay, I'll be out." He gets in, grabs my hand and goes for a kiss. A nice, sweet kiss. Oh how I miss him! :) He mentions that he was up until 8AM working on a project for a contractor job he does. Says he's only 45% done, and it took 4 days for him and his partner to even get that 45%. And unfortunately for him, it's due Wednesday. I felt bad. Well I won't keep you out too long! "It's okay. I told my partner I had to do my thing and he said he had to do his thing. So it works out."

We pull into my complex while holding hands then someone in the complex is in the parking lot and we quickly let go of each others hand. Sorry! "It's okay, I don't want to get shot!" *laughs* (If you knew where I lived you'd understand). So we park and head into my place as I unpack my dinner and put on Heroes. We both watch earnestly as I gobbled down my dinner and he watched and asked me questions about the show (which I liked! :D). In the middle of the show I got a phone call from my bi-best friend (I need better monikers for my friends...note to self: next post, run down on the list of characters). He has me sit down in front of him and proceeds to massage my back. He's made several comments about how tense I am (I blame it on work and partly due to the life changing event a while back, I still need to get a damn expensive massage though...oy!!! >_<). He embraces me as he finishes off the massage. I definitely enjoy his company. We end the show...

Studio 60 starts and well it's not as compelling as Heroes (albeit despite me having met D.L. Hugely whilst at the golf driving range, but that's another story I should save for next time). We end up continuing more massages and him biting me on the nape of my neck twice. Ouch! Kinda kinky, so I slapped him on the arm. *laughes* He then later pulls me down to the floor next to him and we begin to kiss. I stare into his eyes. "What?" Nothing...I just like looking at you. *giggles* He kisses me on the forehead. "My back is hurting, let's go to your bed." Okay.

We lay down on my bed perpendicular to sleeping position. "Why do you always do that?" *laughes* Sorry! We finally lay right and start kissing again...

...

I lay there collecting myself as he goes to the bathroom and rinses out. He comes back and we cuddle. "Was it good?" Yah, really good! *giggles* He kisses me again on the forehead and pulls my pants up and I pull my shirt down. "I should go." But I lay there staring eagerly into his eyes. *he giggles* "Aww!" and plants another kiss on my forehead. I really do miss him! So we get ready to go. Get into the car and drive him back as we hold hands. I pull a left nearing to his house and he says..."Give me a kiss." *muah* We continue to hold hands until he gets out. He rushes out hurridly.

So that was my night with Mr. Right. But one thing though (actually, maybe several). I haven't the nerve to tell him I wanna take it slower. I told ElSenorJesse (ESJ herein, and this is not his SN so don't go bothering him!) I was feeling a bit like a man whore as Mr. Right and I keep ending up on the bed. But ESJ calmed my fears, slightly, stating:

ESJ: i think if you enjoy each other's company and have fun, then [...] can be a part of that
ESJ: if you are meeting up just to [...] wordlessly then maybe it would be whorish
ESJ: but if u go out, hang out, talk, get to know each other
ESJ: and then have [...]
ESJ: thats not whoreish
ESJ: but on the other hand
ESJ: you may not be ready for too much [...]...
ESJ: and by that i mean if you are figuring things out in your head... abt being gay and all that, if you are gay or bi or whatever,
ESJ: then the good feelings of [...] may confuse u even further

You can figure out the ellipses yourselves. And I think ESJ is right. The latter part is confusing me. I mean it's great and all...but I don't want to be just about that all the time. The cuddling, frolicking and kissing is fine as it stands. That makes me more happy than anything. But throw in the [...] and it just throws me for a loop! I don't want to be a jerk either but ESJ thinks that it may work out for me, one of two ways: 1) "he'll either accept [my] wishes and be content to hang out and kiss" or 2) "he'll piss off... in which case he's not worth it anyway." So next time we hang out (likely on Halloween if he decides he wants to attend his friend's party with me in tow or we go and do something else), I think I need to bring it up so I have at least some sense of selfworth in this situation. Anyone else got thoughts on this?!

fI

Confused...

So I'm thinking about this whole coming out thing and seeing someone.

It actually made me sad tonight.

So let me play it out for you all...

Actually, some back story first...

Saturday night...I had made plans with Mr. Right to hang out on Monday, which by the way is Heroes night and I wanted to be able to share that with him. So by being forward thinking I suggested we meet up Sunday night as well because they were doing a marathon showing of the first three episodes of Heroes. Great idea right?!

Fast forward...

Sunday evenings...7:35PM Crap I'm late! So I hop into my car and head out to his place to pick him up. I call as I get onto the main street to his place...Hey, what's up! I'm on my way! *excited* "Oh...uhhh...What?!" Oh, you're not home? "Nope, I'm at my friends." I thought we were gonna hang out tonight too? "Yah I'm actually working on something at my friends. How about we still hang out tomorrow?" Okay that's fine. Talk to you later then. *click*

Wow. I felt dumb. So I sent him a text: "My bad! I assumed we were still hanging out tonight. Sorry! But I miss you still!" No response.

So I sorrily drove myself home to a lonely evening. I couldn't get my mind off it and thought I had totally fucked up somewhere. So I spent my night making my dinner, doing laundry, watching The Amazing Race and Desperate Housewives. Wallowing in self pity and loathing myself.

*Edit*

So I just texted him. "Good night! I hope you're not mad at me. I'm sorry. :("

Reply: "Lol no not at all why would i? Hehe night night handsome"

"I thought I was coming on too strong. That's all. Don't mind me. I just really miss having you around. I'm a loser.

Reply: "Lol no your not ok don't worry i miss you to"

Okay...maybe I'm too easy. Easily excited and easily depressed. I probably should slow down this relationship because I think I'm gonna set myself up to get hurt in the end if some how things sour (which I hope they don't at all...EVER!!!). Oh and it doesn't help that this is my first real relationship in this realm...well relationship at all perhaps. And I'm probably setting too many expectations especially when I don't know what he and I are at the moment...

Now I'm debating on whether to post this dillusional entry...I guess I'll keep it up for a day...and read it again thereafter and see how retarded I sound when I'm more logical...sleep away some of my fears...And to quote Danity Kane's Ride For You: "Maybe I'm foolishly overreacting...But being without you I can't imagine...What it takes to get through, I gotta stick with you, my baby..."

fI

Just how I dreamt it...

I bet I left alot of you hanging from the last post. So well here it is...

6:30PM...I left work later than I planned. I had to get ready still. Crap! As anxious as I was, I made my way home as hurridly as I could. Then began a barrage of phone calls. First from my friend in Seattle, then my soon to be married Christian friend with text messages and calls from my date interspresed in between those phone calls. What do I wear?! Date calls: "You're not dressing up are you?" No? "Okay good!" *Laughing ensues* "Alright, just making sure, I'll see you soon!"

7:45PM...Hopped into the shower finally. Need to shower quick! Got that done and got dressed. Extra spritzs of cologne to make sure I smell good. Check. Go to mirror and check myself out. Check. Okay let's roll!

8:00PM...CRAP! I'm running late! Hop onto the freeway and take the first exit North. Holding the directions in front of me as I manuever myself off the freeway. ("Call me when you reach [fill in name of street]." is all I'm thinking.) Approaching the street, I have my cell in hand and dial, I'm at [fill in name of street]. "Okay..." (fill in with directions to his house). I u-turn to park in front of his house. "Okay I'll be out in a second." Okay. Eagerly anticipating him stepping out of his door...He's as handsome as his pictures. He gets in the car.

8:15PM...So maybe we can go eat somewhere around here then? "Sure, where do you wanna go?" I dunno...I can't think right now. (Heart is racing, never thought this day would happen). "Well what do you want to eat?" I dunno...how bout you? *laughing ensues* How about Jerry's Deli? "Sure, I don't care. Wait you haven't eaten there huh?" Nope, so it works! *smiles at date*

8:25PM...Get to Jerry's Deli and get sat down. Ice starts to break and we settle in. I finally find the courage to look him straight in the eye as we're talking about ourselves and cultural occurances and practices as we share some similar cultural/ethnic backgrounds. Lots of laughing. Did you notice everyone mean-mugging (giving us dirty looks) when we walked in? "Oh no, you get used to it." Oh...I pay and we get a box for his food. I head to the bathroom to wash up as he waits for me outside the restaurant. We hop back into the car to take out trip to our next destination...

~10PM...Get to Pt. Dume...Step out of the car...the sky filled with millons of stars...beautiful. We walk out towards the water. We find a spot and sit down apart from each other. We talk about various things trips we've taken, personal hobbies, finding one's self, guys he's been with situations. (See's date shivering) It's getting kinda cold, let me scoot over. "Yah!" *both scoot closer* He locks his arm in mine. He's rubbing my arm as we continue talking about various topics. He kisses me on the cheek. *blushes* *looks away* "What? What's wrong?" Nothing. *looks away again* "What?!" Nothing! *laughes* I'm fine...just this is new to me. "Oh okay." *looks away again* *he laughes at me* *I smile back with a big grin* *He pulls me in for a slow, sensual kiss* "How was that?" It felt good...it felt normal. "Good." Hold his hand. All these feelings rushing through my mind, my heart is racing. Just how I dreamt my first evening with a guy would be.

~11:05PM..."It's getting late we should go, you have work tomorrow." Okay. We get to the car and dust off and get our shoes back on. He grabs my hand and holds it in his lap as we talk and drive the long way back home. I didn't want to let go. As we drive on the freeway, Oh there's my exit. "Get off there then." Suddenly exits. Sorry bout that! "It's okay." We walk into my apartment and he takes it in and I apologize profusely several times as my place is a mess. "It's okay, it's nice. Homely." We go to my room for him to look. "I'm gonna sit here, I'm tired of sitting on the floor." I sit next to him. He pulls me down and we begin to kiss...

...

~2:30AM...We finished showering and got dressed. Get to my car and we continue to hold hands. I get to his place and one more kiss before he goes. He steps out and I wait for him to get into his house. I miss him already. I head back and grab a quick bite at Maccas (that's Aussie for McDonald's...Thanks Dan! :D) cause I was quite famished after all that. Two cheeseburgers and a small Mr. Pibb. I get home and plop in front of a computer and talk to my best friend. What a night...

You didn't think I'd give you all the details now would you?! I don't kiss and tell... ;) I sit here writing this and miss him alot. It was the perfect evening with an amazing guy. Perfect. Just how I dreamt it would be...

fI

Dreaming...

Someone pinch me...if this is a dream...I don't want to wake up...I think I found *him*!...

fI

Pickin' up the pieces...

So today, I decided I need to turn my shit (pardon my French) around. I had to pick myself off the ground and stop feeling so sorry for myself (due in part to the life changing event I had in September). And I needed that. I needed to stop wallowing and get a grip on myself and my life spiraling out of control. The change needed to happen. And now; sooner than later. The helicopter ride and what have you helped give me a turning point. And it couldn't have come sooner!

So today, I feel pretty accomplished personally (work-wise is another completely seperate question). I finally went to the gym after nearly a 5 month hiatus (due in part to several factors: a messed up ankle, time and well, in all honesty, lack of motivation aka laziness). So I ran on the treadmill for a good 45 minutes or so after work at 24 Hour Fitness. Definitely gotta keep it up so I can fit the CL standard...Haha...just kidding! That's bullshit anyways! :P

After that I hit up Target to buy some milk after my workout not caring that I was covered in sweat and probably stinking up a storm...well, not the latter, cause I know I don't smell as bad as some of the people at the gym *ugh*! Anyways...got home...did my thing and got dinner prepped. Watched an AMAZING episode of Heroes which I was totally looking forward to all day long!!! Also got some good news from my bi best friend! So that definitely added more to the positive pile of things to be happy about. But I still got a few more mini goals to accomplish today before I hit the sack: like a load of laundry, clean the bathroom and sleep at a decent hour. So with that, I am off. I leave you still with my last proposed topic: Self Image...

fI

P.S. And one more positive thing that made my day. The other hottie at work, who doesn't work in our office but was there today satelliteing, DROOL!!! He's handsome as hell and has the most beautiful eyes! He said "Hi" to me in the morning which made my day! Then as the day wound down he came back and said "Good night _____ _____ (insert my first and last name)!" And I was the only person he said bye to in my area! It just made me all chipper! :D HOT!

Up, up and away...

So a rest from my usual bland, unwittingly boring personal perspectives...

As per my life changing perspectives, I took it upon myself to change my life around a bit...I tried something different for once...and vastly different I might add.

So this past weekend I ventured with a friend who happened to have a helicopter pilot's license, who happened to take me with him to go fly in a helicopter. And this friend, I must thank him profusely for obliging in his usually busy schedule! (Might I add, that he fits my profile of handsome, out of reach men that I am longing to meet and be with.)

Helicopter Ride

Click on that image/link to see the pictures I took. It was an amazing ride! I needed something to make me feel alive. I already had a brush with death (5 weeks to the date) and I felt the need to make sure I do things in my life that I have yet to do. Maybe I need to make a list of things I need to do before I die like in "A Walk To Remember." Be at two places at once, see certain meteor shower that only comes every few hundred years, et all. Well in all seriousness, I kind of have. I have future goals, that I don't usually share with alot of people and I have adjusted my goals to how likely I can accomplish them as my situation stands. Currently, my large goal net, is to meet my Prince Charming...and so far it's been a hard, lonely, unforgiving, unrealistic feat...Next up: Self Image...

fI

When to say no...

So in the last post I left you with my next topic of discussion: Craigslist and guys (not to be confused with the two previous posts, one per each subject). I know I was saying that there isn't a decent guy to be found on CL. I'll come back to that thought in a minute.

But one friday night about a month ago I decided to be a bit more daring than usual and post up an ad looking for someone to hang out with and catch a flick. So come that night at 8PM still no emails. So I perused around CL looking for any glimmer of hope. Then I saw a sparkle: "Anyone wanna go to dinner and a movie?" Ding, ding, ding! I think we have a winner! So I reply to post stating I was looking for someone to catch a movie with (I skipped on dinner as I had eaten dinner just before then). So I sat refreshing my email to see if I got a response...10 minutes, 15 minutes...20 minutes...finally a response! So the barrage of emails begin. And we finally decide on a place and time. I go wash up, brush my teeth and mist myself with a spray of cologne...off I go!

I have to admit I was a bit weary the whole week during and then I finally got excited for the whole experience to happen. I drove down the main street towards the theatre, my palms slightly clamy, my heart slightly racing along with my mind. I get to the movie theatre and park. I slowly walk towards the front of the theatre looking around for the guy in the garb he had said he was wearing. So I waited inside the mall in front of the doors, looking around and feeling completely awkward waiting there, crowd surfing. Then I notice him as he walks in through the doors as he's on the phone waiting for me to pick up.

So we do the usual introductions, and walk towards the box office and chat it up while waiting in line to get tickets. Find out where he works and what he does...I barely revealed anything about myself (which I guess is a good thing since I'm still a bit weary of just throwing all of myself out there). Anyways, we got our tickets (my treat thanks to my winning MVP for an organization I volunteer for) and headed into the theatre. We sat down and chatted up a bit more...and that was it. The movie started and NOTHING happened. NOTHING! Well not like I really initiated anything, but this guy I'm assuming is older than me, but he didn't make any attempts to hold my hand, put his hand on my leg or anything. Wow. Just wow. I guess my perception of guys on CL are that they're willing to go the distance and well, this instance fell short.

Surprisingly, the night ended there and we talked about going out again and parted ways. Walk back to my car and start driving home. As I'm sitting in my car, my phone vibrates...a text: "Wish I worked up the courage to ask you if I could suck you off." WHOA! Okay, where was that in the theatre?! So I responded: "Well doesn't hurt to try right? I was hoping you would try something." And we exchanged several texts after that with some innuendos and double entendres.

Well the evening went well I think. But in all honesty (no offense to the guy) but he's not my type, or what I expected. But he's nice and he has been trying to get me to meet up with him again to hang out and probably try some things the last few weeks since.. And here I am trying to find someone else so I can give a legit reason that I'm with someone else. But no luck...everyone on CL is still the superficial and self absorbed as I had previously described. I guess I gotta keep on trucking....I'lll find him...soon...I hope. Next time on the blog: Am I just as superficial?!

fI