Circle of Silence

My year to consider silence has neared its end and has come full circle. I do not feel I have had any grand epiphanies regarding the role of silence in my life but rather many small yet profound realizations. More on that soon.

My Advent companion has been this gem - A Woman Wrapped in Silence by John Lynch. It is an epic poem, published in 1968, and while I have never yet finished it, I keep coming back to it every few years and beginning again. Here's why:

This was a little child who knew not man,
Nor life, nor all the needed frauds of life,
Nor any compromise, and when she turned
To raise the earthen jar, and faced the airs
Of Spring, she smiled for young security,
And she was glad. These were her own, these lanes
Of Nazareth. She'd known the slope and feel
Of them for all her years, and they had known
Of her, and she was walking now and was
Familiar, and the well she sought not far
Beyond the clustered houses was so old
It had become a part of permanence.
The sky around it was so clear, serene
With blue, and framed with hills that had been hers
For always, and which lifted up a silence
She had loved. These thresholds were her friends,
These white walls leaning, and the narrow doors,
And she could watch the shadows and the slant
Of sun, and turn a corner so, and hear
The farther crowing of a cock, and guess
That in the marketplace were dusty sheep
She could not hear; and passing on, she marked
With deeper care that from an opened window
Rose the sound of psalms. She was at home.
These few streets and the ruts in them were home,
And she was sure, and young, and now the others
At the well had called to her, and said
Among them it was Mary who had come.

You can read more (but not all) at Google Book here: A Woman Wrapped in Silence.

I generally try to reflect on Mary's role in the season of Advent. Last year, that was easy. I was in my first trimester and praising God for feeling so lousy, waiting joyfully for this little one! This year, I was drawn to pull this classic book off my shelf.

[One disclaimer - as I said I have yet to read it cover to cover, and it does not have an imprimatur; it was published by Paulist Press, and I have seen a few goofy things from them. So, read intelligently, my dear readers.]

The first few pages (quoted above) provide me with days of food for meditation. I have always been one of those women who have a hard time turning to Mary. As a mother, I am told, it makes sense to turn to her, because she knows what we endure. But, I know she can't know all of it. She was Created without sin. I wasn't. Boy howdy, I was not! And my children? Well, they are most certainly not God! I mostly feel like Kate's nana.

Yet, with these poetic words, Our Mother is finally accessible to me. I can picture her as a real person, with a personality (whether Lynch's description of hers is accurate or not is inconsequential to me). I can close my eyes and know she really lived on this earth and is not merely some foggy figure I imagine in prayer.

Once upon a time, in deep prayer (I was on a retreat), I was begging Jesus to bring me closer to Him. He seemed far away, as if down a distant, dark hallway. There was always space between us, even though I was moving forward and He was standing still. It was then I realized that I need help. I cannot get to Jesus all by myself. Out of the corner of my mind's eye, I saw Mary (okay, it was really a fuzzy light, but I knew what my imagination was trying to see) approaching me. As I recalled her role in leading us to Christ, I imagined her taking me by the elbow, much like someone would lead a blind person, and guiding me towards Jesus.

Since then, this is how I see Mary. She is loving, as Kate says, the Cause of Our Joy! Her generous heart leads us to her Son always, no matter our failings and weaknesses. She is always there waiting, kindly, lovingly, to help us grow in holiness. Lynch's words of peace and joy that Mary lived are how she hopes to nourish this mother's heart and yours, as well.

This Advent, if you have not done so already, take some time to be with Mary, in the reading of this poem or some other way. Get to know her better. She will lead you to her Son this Christmas.

What It Is and What It Isn't

I missed you! Writing brings me such joy, and I truly have looked forward to returning to this space.

Of course, if you know me, I had imagined planning it all out ahead of time. I wanted a new layout, background, header, and more, and it was just going to be perfect! Once I finally found the time to seriously plan out my posts, I would launch anew!

But, sometimes, you just throw together what you can and jump in with two feet, even if it isn't at all perfect (or what you had hoped it would be)!

I have written this post in my head over and over. For myself and for my readers, I want to quickly let you know what this blog is and what this blog isn't. That way no one is surprised or bothered by what I do and do not post. And, I will have a clear direction for my writing, while of course being open to inspiration as it comes!


What It Is...

This blog is a personal space. It is a place for me to write what touches my heart, exactly as my sidebar says over there on the right (or is it left? no, it's on the right, for now!). "This blog is about the ways God touches my heart as a Catholic homeschooling wife and mother with the intention of glorifying Him and encouraging other mothers through the joys and struggles of this incredible life." My thoughts are my own and are sincere.

I hope that through my writing, some of you will be encouraged and/or inspired in your vocations as wives and mothers. Secretly, I hope that writing to you will remind me that I am not alone and will encourage me This would work really well if you comment on my posts every now and again! :)

Here you will find thoughts that come to me in prayer, ideas for living the liturgical year, my experiences with homeschooling, practical suggestions for everyday life, what helps me to be a better mother, my favorite resources, and ways the Lord leads me to Him, both joyful and sorrowful. I also enjoy linking to other blogs (my Google Reader is obnoxiously full of much better stuff than I can write) and stealing their ideas writing about similar topics.

Most importantly, this blog is about putting God at the center of everything, most especially my daily life as a wife, mother, and homeschool teacher. As I write, I reflect on what God is saying to me, and I try to pass that on to you. In fact, my "best" form of prayer is almost always journaling. Writing is often how the Lord speaks to/through me. So, part of why I blog is to remind myself to keep Christ in all things each day!


What It Is Not...

You will not see a lot of details about my children, husband, or home. I am a bit paranoid about the online world and like to keep some anonymity, at least for the rest of my family. My pen name is Antonina. I will refer to my Beloved Husband in just those words. I have chosen online saint names for my children - Therese (8), John Bosco (5), and Christopher (5 mo.). We live in Texas. That's about all you need to know to understand me most of the time!

I will be avoiding meme or form posts such as daybooks, small successes, wordless Wednesdays, and 7 quick takes. When I did some of these in the past, they strayed too far from the intentions of my writing and felt forced, rather than led by inspiration.

This is not a place for my public confessions or debates. While I am always honest in my writing, please know that I do not feel it necessary to include the gory details of my worst days here. Hopefully, in being general, I will not give anyone the impression that things are always picture perfect around here. That is very far from the truth! And, these are my thoughts; I do not intend to force them upon anyone. If you disagree, you are welcome to say so, but do not expect me to engage in nor tolerate debating in the comments.

Finally, I am not trying to make money with this blog. I see many opportunities for this these days, but it is not my purpose. I truly do want to use this space as a place to connect with and lift up other moms. Yes, I do book and media reviews for two companies, because they send me free stuff to review (and I'm a bookaholic). I have an Amazon affiliate account, which means if you click there from my site and buy something, they give me a few pennies (again, because I'm a bookaholic). That's it.


Silence

I find it very interesting that I began my blogging year in 2010 reflecting on the virtue and role of silence in my life and then spent approximately half of the year in silence on these pages. The Lord continually amazes me with the simple yet miraculous things he does in my life. These past months have been full of great joy and a sense of wonder about why the Lord of the universe chooses to demonstrate His love for little me in such captivating ways. My journey in faith will not end until I reach my ultimate goal, but I am oh so happy with where He is leading me and how He is refining me along the way!

May you, also, find joy in the ways the Lord urges you to grow in humility, in holiness, in gentleness, in love, as He draws you nearer to Himself. Do you realize that Advent is only two weeks away? What a perfect time for us to hold virtual hands as we start a new liturgical year and step forward in faith to embrace tomorrow's joys and challenges.


Grace & Peace,
Antonina

How to Listen to God's Voice

How did I never notice this before? I was an English teacher. I am a lover of language! Hello?!

Yesterday, our pastor was reminding us how important it is to listen to the voice of the Good Shepherd. He shared profoundly on how we will only be able to fully recognize His voice the more we listen to Him.

He gave the illustration that when his mother calls him on the phone, without looking at the caller ID, within milliseconds he knows it is her and how she is feeling or why she is calling. He has spent years with her in such an intimate relationship that he now knows the heart of his mother through the sound of her voice!

So, too, must we talk to God often in order to know His voice and understand what He wants us to hear. Most specifically, Father reminded us that we must listen to God's voice, and to do that requires silence. Yes, we have to find time to be quiet.

And, here was the profundity in language - take the letters in the word listen, rearrange them, and you get the word silent. I never saw that before yesterday, and I am in awe.

Father went on to remind us that this applies in all of our relationships, with our children, parents, friends, bosses, etc... In order to truly listen to another, we must be quiet. Since I have been reflecting this year on silence, I was especially touched by applying this both anew in my prayer life and with my children.

To listen requires silence. They are made of the same stuff, literally! How cool is that?!

Fearing Silence

Once again Ann's words, rich with what the Holy Spirit needs me to hear, have brought me to tears. She writes eloquently, as always, on my word, my reflection for this year, causing me to wonder what layers of fear I must still peel away to get at true silence, that interior silence which can fill my days if only I let Him into the depths, the darkest recesses, and just breathe.

Please head over and read her post, When You Are Afraid of Silence...

Sit Still!

All of man’s misfortune comes from one thing, which is not knowing how to sit quietly in a room. ~ Blaise Pascal

True 300 years ago. True today.

Previously, I said I would write more on this quote. It is quite convicting if I think about how often in a week I sit in pure silence. Now, part of that is not my fault, of course! I have two busy children who are both chatterboxes like Mom!

Yet, I resist waking up before them as if it were torture. I hurry through my bedtime prayers and spiritual reading before my eyes collapse. My prayer during our family quiet time is even quick, because there is just. so. much. to. do!

I used to find such solace in my weekly Holy Hour, but I have not made the time for that since the tumult of my late summer. I guess it is time to go back if I can. Five minutes here and ten minutes there is no longer enough for this hungry soul.

Whether I find the time to get to Adoration or not, clearly I have identified times that I could indeed "sit quietly in a room" for a bit longer. When I get even a taste of it, I want more. I commented to my husband recently that it irritates me that at every pause in the spoken words of the Mass, the organist (who plays beautifully) fills those pauses with music, taking away our opportunity for forced silence.

That must be it. Unless it is forced upon us, our weakness and our bad habits of noise prevail. Indeed, needing noise is the result of habit. So it must follow that we can retrain ourselves to a new good habit, one of silence. After all, sisters in the convent require Sacred Silence, and many eat their meals in silence, creating the pauses that allow the Lord to enter their hearts. How much more do we, surrounded by iPods and cable TV need those pauses?

Silence. The word the Lord whispered to me to remember. It is good for me. I will find it.

Quick Quotes for Friday

I meant to post so much more this week! Maybe I will still get in one more post tonight or tomorrow, but for now, here are some words that have been on my mind.


1. I am absolutely overwhelmed and humbled at the same time by this quote from Margaret, so appropriate for this week's challenges.

2. These wise words from my copy of Imitation Of Christ are sticking with me due to this year's word. It is a reflection after Book III Chapter I:

"When the soul is wholly given to the senses, agitated by the passions, and entirely taken up with exterior things, it is itself incapable and unworthy of the operations of God. We should therefore resolve to think and to speak but little to creatures, and to love silence and retirement, to nourish our minds with God's presence, and our hearts with His love, and to do all for Him and in His sight, if we would become interior men, living in God, and for God, as every Christian should do who would be saved."

3. And, I'll definitely share my thoughts soon on this quote from my Blaise Pascal research:

“All of man’s misfortune comes from one thing,

which is not knowing how to sit quietly in a room.”

A Silent Heart

A word has finally settled in my heart to remember throughout this new year of 2010. Many others have similarly chosen meaningful words or themes such as now and yes and peace. There is an excellent thread on 4Real Forums where many mothers share their words for 2010 and why they were chosen. For me, it will be ~

SILENCE

When this word first came to mind, it was before I was reading about moms choosing a word or theme for the new year. The Lord simply put on my heart a challenge to work on the virtue of silence in the new year. I had long lost sight of any daily time of silence for prayer or reflection, and I had been seeking distraction and mindless occupation online and with television. As I began to read the choices of others, I discovered the depth of this lesson the Lord is trying to impress upon my heart.

I could see the Lord trying to teach me to reduce my constant need for chatter throughout the past year, but my pride did not welcome it. I attended mom's groups and mom's socials and homeschooling gatherings, hoping to find a kindred spirit with whom to share the struggles of my soul. At each meeting, to my dismay, I felt prompted to listen, to ask questions, and not to try to fulfill my own needs, letting God do that. In the fall, I scheduled a trip with a dear friend and planned in my mind the late night discussions we would have after the children were in bed. Her sweet little ones all got dreadfully sick, and our reunion and, thus, the extended conversations were cancelled.

It was after that disappointment I realized these deep thoughts were not meant to share with anyone except my God. Since at that point I was barely speaking to Him, this forced me to embrace my solitude. I often feel alone in large groups or isolated in small groups, like I do not quite connect with the others, and this has bothered me more than ever over the past year. But, once I began to embrace the solitude, I learned there is great peace to be found in the silence of my heart.

With a husband home more over the Christmas holiday, I was also blessed with a much-needed glimpse into a mirror. He is always able to make such astute observations about simple things that would make my life easier or my soul cleaner in a way that does not offend me or put me on the defensive (a true challenge). One such comment had to do with how much I talk and how many words I throw at the children throughout the day. Yes, throw. You know what I mean. I give them instruction every second of every day from our schooling to their hygiene and chores. Internally, I pledged to be quiet more.

Then, of course, on New Year's Day, soon after reading others' choices for words for 2010, the words in the Gospel of Luke jumped out at me at Mass ~

But Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart. ~ 2:19

The homily focused on several points, the last being to hold dear the treasure of our hearts and to deeply ponder His presence in our lives. This was fitting, as I had been reflecting throughout Advent on my spiritual journey of 2009 and how prayer was sadly lacking due to the absence of routine we had in the previous several months. A new aspect of Mary to imitate grew roots in my soul.

I also found this quote in my current daily reflection book, Thirsting for God: A Yearbook of Prayers and Meditations by Mother Teresa, on January 2 ~

Let us make this a year of peace in a very particular way: We will try to talk more with God and to God and less with men and to men. And then, from the silence of our hearts, we can preach the peace of Christ as he did, by going about doing good to others.

and this quote on January 4 ~

The apostles devoted themselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word. Their example teaches us that the more we receive in silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. Therefore, on the streets, in the slums, at work, in the home, we should pray with our whole heart and soul. We must keep that silence which Jesus kept for thirty years at Nazareth. Even now, he keeps it in the tabernacle, silently making intercession for us.

Mother Teresa's words often speak of silence, so I am confident I will be blessed with more wonderful quotes throughout the year that will challenge me to remember my commitment.

Having so many confirmations that silence would be a gift to my soul and to my family, I have chosen to work on being silent, keeping more in my heart, and then giving those hidden things to the Lord more than ever before in 2010.

What is your word, theme, and/or Scripture for this year and why did you choose it?

My Soul Is Restless

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you." ~ St. Augustine

I have not been able to put into words my current longings and the state of my soul, but the above combined with the quote below I just read at Holy Experience echo my desires and my struggles, right now:

“We need to find God, and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” ~ Mother Teresa


When I can articulate more, I will post more. Praying for you...