Grade 6!

Pandemic life has drained me of energy and I haven't updated in ages. These posts are more for me now than anyone else, so that I can keep some of my K memories for posterity.

The last year and a half have been pretty brutal. No international travel, so we haven't seen my now 93yo FIL since New Year's 2020, and his overall health and dementia have been steadily worsening. He's now wheelchair dependent with no strength to walk on his own and is no longer able to make use of technology to chat with us. Phone calls only now, which is really sad. Who knows if we'll see him again while he's alive. I'm grateful to still have employment as an anesthesiologist, but there have been periods where the ORs have been shut down to elective surgery due to lack of hospital beds and ICU beds during COVID surges. I've been redeployed as a fake ICU nurse, caring for desperately ill COVID patients in extremis. I've worked in the ICU as a physician for the first time since 2007 (during my residency) to help out ICU colleagues when the census in the ICU ballooned like crazy. I've picked up lots of COVAX clinic shifts to help get a lot of Torontonians vaccinated. I'm thankful I was offered my vaccines early due to my career, but my second dose of Pfizer was only 3 weeks after my first (now better immunity has been shown if the second dose is 8 weeks vs 3 weeks) and was given to me 8 months ago. I'm scared my immunity is waning just as delta is becoming much more prevalent. I still wear an N95 all day at work with a surgical mask with integrated face shield over top of it to try to stay safe. Yes, my oxygen levels are just fine during the day. No, I don't get CO2 narcosis from constant mask-wearing. I just get a sore nose and have had some skin breakdown on the bridge of it at times. 

K is now 11.5yo. She was in school physically part of the time for Grade 5 last year, virtually for much of the year when the schools shut down. No school photo last year as the schools banned the photographers from coming in less than a week before her school was scheduled. I'm strangely sad about not having my usual yearly photo to enjoy. She did amazingly well with virtual school and was pretty much at the perfect age for it, able to participate independently. Her teacher Ms. W was absolutely brilliant. She had very active participation from the class on Google Classroom and set up many projects for the kids as well as a ton of virtual field trips and online experiences such as a guided tour of the environment in the far Canadian north. 

Even the end of Grade 4 was good. Her original Grade 4 gifted teacher was lovely but not super tech-inclined. The class got lucky with an amazing long-term substitute teacher when her first teacher needed to go off on long-term sick leave, and Ms. K was also a whiz at online learning when school shut down the first time after March break 2020. The shut-down meant that there was also no birthday party for K last year. Plans were in place, but the night of the party, a couple girls including K didn't feel well and with things shutting down and recommendations to avoid gatherings, we decided to cancel and just dropped off cake and loot bags to all the kids. For the 2021 party, K made a virtual rooftop party space on G.ather.com with it set up so that the kids could break out to play online games or to hang out in a "room" to chat with just a couple others. It was super fun. We dropped off cupcakes and bake-your-own-oatmeal-chocolate-chip-cookies kits as a party favour, and all the girls really enjoyed it. Her friend A was the only boy invited this year. He's super sweet, and even came by with her first-ever bouquet of flowers on May 21st last year. He apparently told her he liked her when they went to play at the park together shortly thereafter, and asked her if she liked him too. She told him yes, but then told me she wasn't so sure what that really meant. 

Our beloved nanny N stopped working for us March break 2020 as she was commuting 1h each direction on public transit and was getting more and more worried about her safety. With no more business travel for S, he became the home supervisor while working from his home office as usual. We sure do miss her kind spirit being present in our lives each day. I miss the home-cooked meal waiting in the fridge 5 days a week, and S really misses all the housecleaning she did! He's the laundry and vacuuming boss and I do most of the cooking and dishes. K likes scrubbing toilets and loves wet-mopping the floors. I clean the bathrooms and the kitchen so that S's eczema won't get even worse. At some point we'll make our lives better and hire a housekeeper, but it will never be the same as having N here. She'd told K that she was going to leave us after summer 2020 before all the COVID stuff started, because she felt like we didn't really need her any more. She had minimal time with K as the school bus left not long after she arrived in the morning and came back only about 1.25h before she went home in the evenings. That didn't leave much time for them to spend together, and cooking and cleaning can only fill so much of your day. We keep in touch a lot and have gotten together for picnics every few months. 

K is maturing fast. She complained about a tender bump under her nipple maybe a year ago and that seemed to be the first indication of breast development. I promptly stocked up on Kn.ixteen leakproof underwear for her and me as I worried that she or her cousin might get caught out by a first period while they were off on their big European cruise (to celebrate being 10yo) with Grandma in the summer. That obviously got postponed and is provisionally rebooked for 2022. She started wearing her little bralettes (I bought ahead when I'd see inexpensive ones for sale) at the end of Grade 5 when she started developing a tiny bit more up top. I hope her first period holds off for another year or two, but I think I spied the first little pubic hairs mid August. My wee girl is growing up! 

She's getting to be more tween-like with the rolling of the eyes when we annoy her and more hiding away in her room. She's an insatiable bookworm, which I fully have sympathy with. Spends inordinate amounts of time (it seems) brushing her hair. Loves picking out outfits for herself and me. Still gets great praise from all other adults in her life, with her teacher telling me that she's one of the most socially proficient Grade 5s she's ever taught, having successfully stayed out of some of the pre-teen classroom drama between a couple of factions of girls, while remaining friendly with all. Other parents tell us she's a joy to have for playdates (which have basically been outdoors), and she was absolutely brilliant when we were able to finally see my stepsisters and their kids during a day's road trip at the end of July. K was the only source of entertainment that the 3yo and 5yo needed all day, and was happy to carry the 8mo around and was even able to be the "grown up" taking him for a swim in the pool with the other kids. (The grown-ups sat on the patio furniture drinking wine and watching the pool action from a nice dry spot.)

On Sept 8, the night before school started, I made it home during my quiet call shift and got to snuggle in bed with her like we always do at bedtime. I told her again that that's my favourite time of day. She started to respond with a "me too", then backed up and told me that her real favourite time of day is spending time with her friends and that snuggling with me is now in spot #2. Then she told me that she didn't mean it in a bad way ("Nicht schlecht gemeint Mama"), but that she doesn't get much time with them these days. I told her that that's totally normal, and my job as her Mama is to help her to grow up and be independent. I don't think she really loved the sound of that! For now, I'll be grateful for every "Ich habe Dich SOOOO lieb Mama!" (= I love you SOOOO much Mama) that I hear. She's skeptical that's going to change, but I warned her that typically teenagers don't like spending time with their parents and don't get along with them very well for a few years when they're trying to establish their own independence and lives. So far, she claims she's not going to be like that. Here's hoping that she'll be easy!

I guess that's really most of the news. We've missed having so much time with my Mom during the pandemic, as she moved to an apartment about 5 min away from us only 6 months before the first lockdown. Now that she's doubly vaccinated and K had been out of school for so long, we were able to spend more time together during the summer. That's all going to come to an end now that school's back in and will only end if there's another lockdown or after K is old enough to have gotten the vaccine. It's very nice to have her be living nearby for quick Sat am Cost.co runs or coffee/puzzle visits. Pre-COVID, we were alternating having each other over for a weekly dinner. Hoping to get back to that sometime in the not-so-distant future! 

Ah - only other new things are that K took the TTC to school yesterday for the first time (no more school bussing as of Grade 6) with a couple friends (shadowed by her friend's Mom going and by the friend's Dad who trailed them home by bike. She loved the great adventure. She's also loving that she's getting an ancient phone of ours and a talk and text plan to make sure she can get hold of us when she's out on her own. 

And now to sign off. Time for coffee after I woke at 5am after 5.5h sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. Cost.co run with Mum shortly, then K and I are heading out for one of our bike rides and outdoor picnic lunches with her friend L and L's Mom who's very fun to hang out with. She doesn't have much interest in getting together with her old best friend G any more as they've hardly seen each other since COVID. I miss hanging out with G's Mom a lot. The girls have gotten shy around each other and I'm hoping they'll get back to their friendship if G's Mom and I force it a bit. Maybe when life is less busy and we are able to do more indoors with friends again? 

Interesting times in all sorts of ways!

Feels like the apocalypse is coming

So my darling girl turned 10 last week amidst little fanfare. Grandma came to celebrate their birthday together and I made lasagna and carrot cake as per request, but the two sleepover parties we were planning the weekend before (for friends from her new school) and after (for her old friends) were both cancelled by us due to concerns about COVID-19. The first was going to turn into a dinner/movie party initially, but she came home from school last Friday febrile with a GI bug, so we pulled the plug entirely.

We're very lucky that DH works from home anyhow, because our amazing live-out nanny normally commutes 50-60 min each way on public transit, and we were getting really worried about both her health and the increased risk to us of her bringing more germs into the house each day. We asked her to stay home for a bit while we see how the situation shakes out, and it's looking like we'll have to let her go as it's unlikely she'll be working in the next few months and she was planning to move on at the end of the summer anyhow as she's doing minimal childcare now. K is spending her days at home with Papa working in his basement office. We set her up with Messenger Kids to stay in touch with her friends, and now that March Break is over, I'll be having her keep up with some school work each day. She's coping pretty well so far, though we hate that we can't cuddle as much as we normally do.

As for me, I'm an anesthesiologist, and like my colleagues across the nation and across the world, I'm scared shitless of the tsunami of illness that is most likely to hit us in the next couple of weeks. We're hoping that social distancing and an early shutdown of all non-essential services and restricted movement of Canadians will flatten out the curve so that people aren't dying without access to appropriate care. I think it's a faint hope given the resources that we have. We're terrified about not having enough Personal Protective Equipment as my group will likely end up being the intubation team and will certainly turn into ICU physicians in the near future. Elective surgeries have been cancelled indefinitely for the past week, and we're now doing only urgent and emergent cases in order to save hospital resources for when the shit hits the fan. My group is being very proactive at helping the hospital with the planning, and I'll be spending two hours after work tomorrow practicing how to intubate and extubate and don and doff protective gear without putting my or my team's safety at risk. Or at least minimizing the risk. 

Enough of the doomsday stuff for today.

Darling K is now 10. It's hard to imagine. Still no sibling though I haven't taken contraception since we started trying to have her back in 2005. I'm 45. I don't think a miracle will ever grant us a second kid. I'm so thankful for the wonderful one I have, and really grateful that she's old and independent enough to be a big help at this time. 

She had a great few years at the public school 1.5 blocks from our house. Her kindergarten teacher was phenomenal, Grade 1 teacher meh (and was dealing with a lot of personal issues that year which didn't help), Grade 2 teacher phenomenal, and Grade 3 teach was OK. She found a fabulous group of friends over that time, with her best friend G being in her class from JK to Grade 3. Each year, the teachers decided to keep them together, initially because G has health issues and was a very anxious kid, and K was a fantastic supportive friend who really helped with her anxiety. G's Mom T and I became good friends too, and she's been an amazing help over the years too as on occasion I'd be stuck at work out of town and wouldn't be able to make it home on time, and she'd just take K over from our nanny and keep her till I could get there to pick her up. She'd even be happy to have K come sleep over with them and head to class with G the next morning on a rare occasion when I had a call shift scheduled while DH was away on business.

K thrives at school. She (reluctantly) joined the cross-country team starting as soon as she could in Grade 1, and is a strong runner. She has been playing piano (practicing reluctantly) since she was 6, and is getting better though it's certainly not her passion. She continues to excel at swimming and completed level 10 Red Cross just after she turned 8. Since then, we've been doing Race Club lessons with her competing in a mini swim meet at the end of each session. She's participated in a fun 3k run with her Papa for WWF the last couple years and does really well at that. She adores singing and I think the children's choir she's in is probably her favourite activity. They sang with the Canadian Children's Opera company in Feb along with a couple other local children's choirs for a production of Hansel and Gretel, which was really cool.

In Grade 3, universal testing was done to assess children for giftedness or learning challenges. She was flagged for additional IQ testing and was offered a place in a gifted program starting in Grade 4. Initially K said she didn't want to change schools and would stay with her friends at the local school, but after I took her to the information night about the program, she changed her mind and chose to move to a new school. It's about a 15min drive from our place, and she busses there every day from our neighbourhood school. She really liked her initial teacher and has been fast friends with her new BFF L since day 1. That teacher ran into some health problems, and she now has an even better long-term substitute teacher. Or should I say had, as they're now likely off school for the rest of the year in an attempt to contain COVID-19. We really miss the choir and music programs at her old school, as well as the fabulous sense of community there. She loves the new school though, as she's got a great group of close friends scattered in the 3 different Grade 4/5 split classes, and she finds the schoolwork more interesting. She did cross-country there in the fall, and she and her friends were the only grade 4 girls that joined in. She was the only one fast enough to make it to the next stage of the competition, which we were proud of. They also all signed up for volleyball, even though they can't compete for real until Grade 5.

As part of the incentive for keeping an open mind when starting at her new school, I told her if she made it through the fall term, she could get her ears pierced when we returned from vacation in Jan rather than waiting for her 10th birthday. It took us 4 weeks to get around to doing it, but we finally made it to a piercing studio 1 month before her birthday and she semi-reluctantly had them done after pestering me to let her get it done for years. 

She's getting more interested in helping out at home too, and has even been known to cook for us on occasion (usually with a fair amount of help).

We had her assessed for orthodontics in the summer as she has a pretty narrow jaw and really crowded teeth, and after much discussion, she started rapid palatal expansion in Sept. She's been doing really well with it, adjusting pretty quickly to the appliance and usually remembering to turn it on her own. I think we're close to entering maintenance phase where she'll have to keep the appliance in without any more expansion for as long as she can bear it. I bet she'll be thrilled to move on to braces eventually and let food and her tongue move freely in her mouth again!

Her great passion in recent years has been reading. She devours books, and won't go to the washroom without ipad or book in hand. My Mom tells me this is the revenge for me for how I was as a kid. I'm thrilled that she enjoys reading as much as I do, and look forward to her sharing in some of my favourites as she grows up.

In other notes, she was about 27.8kg, 142.5cm tall at almost 10yo. We measured her accurately for once while we were at the kids clinic at the hospital for allergy testing as she developed a rash while on amoxil for a dog bite (was bitten pretty badly on the thigh by a leashed young doberman while out with Papa). She's got a dog phobia now which makes walks in the neighbourhood a little more challenging. She complained of tiny tender lumps under her nipples on 10.3., which seem to be the start of developing breast buds. I hope puberty holds off for a couple more years though, which I think it should given how skinny she is.

She's traveled the world widely with us, with a fab vacation in Australia last summer, Thailand in Jan, as well as trips to Sri Lanka, India, Germany (of course), Malaysia/Sinagpore etc. She's reasonably adventurous with the foods we eat while we're away, which is great.

And now, it's time to have some breakfast with her. I plan to keep things updated more frequently as a way of journaling during the horrors that likely await me in the next few months.

Keep safe everyone!

I can't believe she's 7 and Grade 1 is over in 4 more days!

This year has flown by and has been an interesting one. We said goodbye to our beloved kindergarten teacher Mrs. P, who was the most amazing kindergarten teacher one could ever have imagined. We just attended her retirement party after school last week, as teachers and former parents and her family gathered to celebrate her retirement after 29 years in the same school, in the same classroom, teaching kindergarten and mentoring a lot of other teachers along the way. She apparently taught over 1000 students over her 29 year career, and was loved by all. I don't think anyone could have been better at teaching children of all ages and abilities (even languages as some spoke no English at all when starting school), tailoring each lesson to the various children. I don't know how she did it, but I think K didn't try too hard at things in Grade 1 this year because she was bored and had done much of it already in SK.

Our Grade 1 teacher left a little to be desired. She was less good at communicating with parents, made mistakes when correcting work, and had some exercises that I thought were pretty crummy and confusing for kids and parents alike. She was also frequently absent, with a father struggling with cancer treatment and a child with some health concerns, which didn't help matters any. K was with 2 good friends when she started school last fall, and also helped out with the boy with ASD from her kindy class at times. Here she is on the first day of Grade 1 leading him into the school by one hand and her crying friend who was scared starting school by the other. She was initially seated away from her friend G who tends to be quite anxious and was crying every day at the start of school, until her friend's Mom asked the teacher to seat them together so that G could adjust a little better. 

In some ways, this school year has been eventful. She and G became friends with another new little girl in the class, L, who had just moved to our neighbourhood after her parents split up and her Dad moved overseas. She had been going to a school where there was a fair bit of mean girl stuff going on even in kindergarten, and has been quite bossy through the year. Little G bears the brunt of it, with L telling K that only the two of them are going to play together, and she can't play with G. Or telling K or G they have to do X, or she won't be friends with them any more. K has figured out how to get on with life in the presence of bossiness, thanks to a former neighbour girl she's been good friends with, but who used to bring her to tears at times by constantly having to run the show. When things came to a bit of a head at L's birthday party when L told the other kids to not play with G and G's Mom overheard it, G's Mom and I ended up sitting down with our girls to tell them both that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable, and that we expect them to stick up for each other and their other friends, and to have minds of their own. K has been reporting that she's been a good friend and stood up for G here and there, which has been confirmed by G via her Mom, so we're pretty happy that that's under better control now. L also keeps wanting to copy K's work in school, and has been trying to teach her to shake her booty and spank herself on the bum in front of some of the boys. K's been told this isn't OK and is hopefully not doing so. Thankfully, we've found out that G and K will be in the same class together next year, without L. And without D who has been the other source of grief.
So D has been flashing himself at the girls. First time was a couple months ago when they were having swimming lessons and he pointed below the water to get the girls to look at something, and lo and behold, there was his pe.nis. K didn't even mention that to me, but L did to her mother who let me know about it. I had a little chat with K about telling me about these things, and that she should preferably also tell her teacher or the playyard supervisor about it at the time so they can deal with the issue. She later reported that one day at recess, he'd tried to flash a couple of them again, but they'd run away before he could pull his pants down fully. And then again, she told me he'd shown his bum to G at recess but G hadn't wanted to tell the supervisor. 3 strikes you're out, so I sent an email to their teacher and the VP to mention the indecent exposures and that I was concerned about this little boy. The teacher called me the next day to discuss, and said that the girls weren't entirely innocent in all of it either, what with the booty shaking and not just keeping their distance from him like they'd been told to do. Then she backed down and admitted K hadn't really done any real instigating, but could leave him alone more. I suggested they get the kid to see a school psychologist, as persistent behaviour like that can indicate a kid being mistreated at home. Hope he's OK. He'd also been being very mean to G at times, encouraging everyone to jump on her when her arthritis had flared up and she was already in a lot of pain. Not a nice kid - thank God we won't have him in her class next year!
Academically, she seems to be doing quite well. She's reading way above grade level, and is currently passionately devouring Bobbsey Twins chapter books at a rapid rate. I love that she really likes the nice old-fashioned stuff like Bobbsey Twins and Boxcar children. They may be a little sexist, but usually have good language, as well as good values being showcased. They're just good clean little books without attitude or mischief in them. Math she seems to tune out in a little, I think because she may be a little bored at times. I'm going to have to try harder to challenge her a little more outside of school next year, or maybe even this summer.
More teeth have come out with her asking me to help her second lower incisor on its way by tying string around it and tying it to the doorknob. I tied dental floss around it, then couldn't bring myself to slam the door. She was so excited, she started dancing, then I told her to just keep on dancing till she got far enough away from the door to yank it out. Very proudly, she pulled out her own tooth. She asked me to do the same for #3 (upper R incisor), but this time was prancing around singing about walking her doggie and holding the other end of the floss. So I grabbed it an pulled and a small bloodbath ensued. 2 nights later, we finally got rid of the nasty other upper incisor which was grey from bleeding into the pulp cavity once or twice as it got looser. It was one ugly, crooked, half-dangling beast. I knocked into it slightly with my hand when flossing her other teeth (after she'd freaked out after asking me to tie floss and help it along the previous night). Still hasn't had the new incisors grow in yet, though her bottom left molar (36) has now come in fully.
Last summer, we did a bike vacation in southern Germany around the Bodensee for about a week. Biked anywhere from 24-42km a day with K heroically pedaling her little 3 speed (she was too small for anything else). Despite all the biking, she was still raring to play at all the playgrounds we biked past along the way. Had a blast on the various zip lines, net climbers, and other more interesting and dangerous pieces of equipment than we have in Canada. I wish we had all that stuff here!
Christmas involved a trip to Germany to see Opa, followed by 2 weeks in Panama. We've got an amazing traveler on our hands.
K started piano lessons last September and has done 2 recitals with all the other kids at her teacher's house. She played rather well this time, doing one song solo, and one as a duet with her teacher. I was quite impressed.
Our nanny and her family all love K very much and would love to have her sleep over there more often. She got to go fishing with them last weekend when she had a sleepover while DH and I went to a work dinner/dance thing. She apparently caught over 20 fish (catch-and-release) her first time ever fishing, and was super excited. This week, she's going with our nanny to her daughter's high school graduation to celebrate with them, and I'm signing her out of school for the day to be there. We're all invited to celebrate with them at dinner, which will be nice. And then the summer will be here. Looking forward to some vacation time with family, when she'll have her cousins around to keep her entertained.
My ovaries still twinge with baby-longing at times, but I do also enjoy the benefits of having a very lovely only child.

Almost 6 and all grown up!

I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted. My stepsister has now had a little girl and, as expected, my stepmother has spent the better part of the last 3 weeks out of town cooking and cleaning and being with them. I wouldn't have wanted my own mother to do that for us, but it's rather clear that things are totally different when it's her biological grandkid vs grandkid by marriage.

K seems so grown up lately. She's now in SK with the same awesome teachers as last year. The class is 27 kids, 2 teachers, and is a little more challenging as there's one kid with ASD (autism spectrum) who needs a lot of individual attention. His parents don't recognize/admit that he's different from the rest, despite having a "normal" older child. I'm particularly proud of my amazing kid as she is one of the few kids in the class who has befriended him, has enjoyed a couple playdates with him after school, and has asked to invite him to her birthday party.

She spent the whole time we were in India on vacation telling us that she'd rather be at school with her friends, and that she was missing out on all sorts of stuff and wanted to be back home with her nanny. She lived on roti and naan bread after deciding that the dishes we had her try during the first couple days were all too spicy. She and I were pretty popular with a lot of Indians, who all wanted to take photos with the tall white people.

K stuffed a little bralet (that I bought on super discount well ahead of when she'll need it) with Kleenex this past weekend to make "boobies" for herself so she can more realistically play Mama with her doll. I didn't think I'd see that till she was a teen...  She also has a teenage attitude at times, conveniently ignoring anything that we ask her to do and talking back a lot. Hoping to nip that in the bud soon.

Overall, she's still very sweet, generous, loving, and kind-hearted. We're beyond blessed to have her as our daughter!

The evil green monster

My stepsister C emailed my brother, SIL and I two days ago with the subject line "Big News!". Even before I opened the email to read it, I knew what it would say. Yep, she's pregnant and expecting in Jan. Sure I'm happy for her, but I still can't let go of the feeling that I wish it were me announcing a pregnancy. I know it would be hard to go back to baby stuff again now that K is such a big girl at 5, but I really would like to have the opportunity to raise another wonderful kid. And be pregnant again. And see K develop a relationship with a sibling.

The other thing that's going to make it hard is that it will again emphasize the divisions in our blended family. Yes my mother bought us a car seat and a crib when we had K (as well as giving us money for the IVF), which was really sweet, but she never asked if anyone was throwing me a baby shower or if she could throw one to celebrate the long-awaited event. When we got married, she gave us some money and told us to spend it how we wanted to. We planned a civil ceremony, with lunch afterwards for family and a party later on for family and friends. There was no bachelorette party, no bridal shower, nothing. And a few years later, there was most definitely no baby shower. I was pretty hurt by that as she'd even thrown one for a friend's daughter a few years previously.

So now, my stepmother (who is extremely involved in her kids' lives, flying over to England a few times a year to visit the one stepsister, and driving a couple hours quite frequently to visit the now-pregnant one) will be over the moon about this pregnancy. I didn't get the feeling that she particularly cared when we were pregnant. They lived overseas at the time K was born and my Dad certainly didn't bother to come visit. We traveled to see them when K was 2 months old. My stepmother gave us a teddy bear and an outfit after K was born, but that was it. It didn't seem infused with any great enthusiasm. When I kept trying later on to get K to call her Grandma B to help her feel part of our family, she refused to be called Grandma and wanted to be called by her first name only. When we invite my Dad and her to come visit on weekends (they live 10min away), he'll say "I'd like to come over for a bit, but B usually does her grocery shopping at that time". We usually find out after the fact that my stepsister and her husband were in town for the weekend, and are never invited over to see them when they are in town and staying with Dad and my stepmother.

I think I'm going to find it pretty hurtful when she's constantly visiting C to visit the baby when she couldn't be bothered to visit K when she was little. And I'm sure she'll be jumping at the chance to go and babysit for them, while I feel like it's an imposition when we ask her and my Dad a couple times a year if they might be able to have K for a night so that we can go out or so that I don't have to switch my call when DH is out of town.

At least K is excited to have a new cousin. I hope I'm not going to find the week at the cottage constantly faced with pregnant C to be too much of a challenge in August. I think it will be pretty hard, as I haven't really accepted that it's all over for us. And every month I mourn the arrival of AF all over again. And DH still doesn't really get it, and I still feel like a selfish jealous bitch for even thinking this way...

"Ich liebe Dich zu viel Mama" (I love you too much Mama)

My darling one is now 5 and has now mentioned wanting to run away a couple times. The latest was two nights ago when I'd told her she could make a card for our new nanny and then we would watch a little Am.azing R.ace. Well, she got really involved in colouring and suddenly it was bedtime and she flipped out when I told her that there was no time for TV. Stamped her feet, flung herself around on the couch, shouting and crying... and then said she doesn't want to live here any more, she'd rather live at her friend Anja's house. Later on after DH calmed her down a bit and we were cuddling in bed, she told me she hadn't really meant it and was just very frustrated and wants Mama and Papa and her to never get any older and to live in our house forever. Last night, she told me again "Ich liebe Dich zu viel Mama". I, of course, love her too much as well.

K started JK in Sept 2014. She loves her teacher Mrs. P and the ECE teacher Ms. H. She's got 32 kids in her class and seems to get along well with all. When DH drops her off after she comes home for lunch, there are usually a couple friends of hers in the playground who come to the fence and shout "Hi K!" and are eager to see her again. She seems so much better socially than DH and I ever were. The Mommy guilt continues. We finally got our police checks done to be able to volunteer in her classroom, and so I told her I'd go in one morning on a vacation week (I had meetings in the afternoon). 1-2 days before that (after I told her), I found out we were really short-staffed and I'd have to work, and had to cancel on her at the last minute. She was totally crushed and I felt totally guilty. She'd already told her friends I was coming in. Luckily I managed to get an afternoon off a couple weeks later and was able to go in and help at the painting station and keep one group of 10 kids organized in gym class.

It was fun to actually get to see the kids she's been talking about all year. Little Seine (who had never even met me) came over to line up to go in with us after lunch and proceeded to lean against my leg and then take my hand. Her Mom had told DH the week before when they ran into each other on the way to school that Seine wouldn't have survived a month of JK without K. K had told us Seine cried every day when her Mom dropped her off, but K didn't tell us that every day she'd go over and give Seine a hug and take her hand to lead her into the classroom. My heart melted and I was almost crying when DH told me what Seine's Mom had told him, I was so proud of my compassionate and empathetic little K. Maya still had pretty broken English and kept on crying in gym class because she wasn't good at the relay race and didn't want to participate any more. She also didn't want all the kids to be looking at her while she ran the race. I tried to encourage her and tell her that she was a good runner and that she'd only get better if she practices, and that that was why the SK kids were better at the activities. She reluctantly agreed to participate when I asked if it would be better if I walked and hopped along with her. That poor kid doesn't have much confidence or gumption, and I realized how lucky we are that K is a lot more happy to try out new things and not as bad at accepting it when she's not the best.

In other news, we've had a new nanny for 5 weeks now. The first new one from Grenada (Z) didn't end up working out very well. She seemed energetic, but was a little over-the-top in-your-face touchy-feely with K, tickling her and hugging her when she really didn't know Z that well. She was kind of flaky, showing up late, and seemed to have a weird relationship with food (barely brought anything for her lunch, and still ended up eating some of K's snacks etc). One day K came home and seemed very subdued. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me Z had told her to not ask questions, it was rude. When I asked what had happened, she told me they'd been walking home from the library and she'd seen a man holding a beetle in his hand. When they were a little ways away from him, she'd asked Z why the man was holding a beetle, and apparently Z told her to not ask questions, it was rude. The way K was acting, I had the impression that Z had said it in a very harsh manner and it seemed like she was trying to suppress a 4yo's natural curiosity. Then my Mom came to visit and said that Z had sent K upstairs for quiet time, so she'd gone to the basement guest room. 2 hours later, she still hadn't heard much activity or talking upstairs so she went up to take a peek. She found K alone at the dining room table eating a snack, while Z was down in the basement cleaning the bathroom. I feel like that's a safety thing, being on a different level to the child you're paid to look after while she's eating, and also feel like you should also be around to talk with the child while she eats. K was apparently looking very lonely and sad. That was the last straw and we started looking for another nanny.

The next one we hired in a very short time frame. K had told us she wasn't very happy with Z, so we swore our 4.5yo to secrecy and started looking again. We interviewed a Mexican woman (E) who seemed pretty nice and had nice references, and was able to start working 1 week later. She was very particular when reading the contract, and took a lot of time over it. We took that to mean she was conscientious and detail-oriented. Not so much! She was quite demanding, as we subsequently found out. Kept seeming very suspicious that we were trying to screw her over and bugging DH about whether she was being paid overtime etc. She got an entire months' paid vacation to mexico 2.5 months after starting with us, yet still seemed to think we were using her if she worked 30min more in a week (even though we'd send her home 30min early the next week). It seemed like every time I came home, DH would complain about something she'd done, whether she was complaining about what she had to do, or wasn't putting dishes in the dishwasher properly. She'd been hired to be a housekeeper/nanny/cook, yet rarely cooked without direct instructions, and frequently just prepared some chicken breast, leaving us to prep toppings for fajitas/tostadas or to prep the veggies ourselves. She lost her Metropass twice and was often a bit late without ever acknowledging it. She refused to bring the empty garbage cans in after they'd been collected, even though she could head out through the garage on her way to get K from school and bring them in en route, claiming that the other nannies didn't have to do that. The other nannies all have younger kids to look after and weren't hired to be housekeepers as well! And actually, they do also bring in the garbage!

Once I started mentioning that we might be looking for a new nanny, our neighbour and friend told me that she'd once seen K walking down our block (a very long one) completely by herself, and finally when she'd gotten halfway, she'd seen E come out of an alleyway or driveway farther up the road talking on her phone. I was shocked she hadn't told us that when it had happened! When DH reported E complaining yet again, I started to wonder if she was looking for another job and decided to go back on the website to see if there were lots of nannies looking for work.Whose profile did I come across pretty quickly but E's, showing that she'd logged in that day. I kept checking in for the next week, and saw that she was logging in every day while at work. One Sunday, I noticed she'd updated her profile and put her available date as being 3 weeks later, so I decided I'd really better get serious about looking. I signed up for the website the next day to be able to post a job and start contacting people, and posted a truthful yet slightly disguised job posting so that it wouldn't be totally obvious to E that we were looking. Who applied for my job 6 hours later but E! Obviously she was very seriously looking...

DH was out of town so I talked to a few interesting people myself on the phone. I mentioned I was looking again at work and the nurses told me to talk to one of the housekeepers who might know of someone looking for a job. DH got back and reluctantly discussed interviewing, though he was stressed at work and didn't want to worry about hiring someone new. We interviewed 1 person who seemed OK, then 2 days later, I got a phone call out of the blue while at work from N. The hospital housekeeper had apparently approached another Filipino on her bus to ask if she was looking, and she wasn't but knew of someone else who was. N sounded amazing, super easy to talk to, good English, genuinely attached to the kids she'd looked after in the past. She lives farther away than we'd hoped, but had had a slightly longer commute for the 9.5 years she'd been with the previous family. I called DH all excited and asked if we could interview her that very night if her husband got home from work early enough to come with her. They managed to make it work and she was as lovely in person as she was on the phone. DH said afterwards that it was less like an interview and more like a conversation. N is very sweet, has a 15yo daughter and a 19yo son of her own who is off at University. Both are wonderful children and obviously have parents who raised them with great values and discipline. After we'd interviewed the final 2 people who I'd already set something up with, we made N an offer. When we arranged to meet up to sign the contract and said we could drive up to near where she lives and meet for a coffee so she didn't have to drag back down to us, she invited us to dinner to meet her family. They were all so nice. She and I continued to exchange emails in the 2 weeks prior to her starting, and after I mentioned that K was going to come to a medical staff association meeting with me one night while DH was away on business, she told me I should drop her off to have dinner at their place. K was interested in going, so I actually did that and she had a really nice time having dinner at N's cousin's place, since they ended up being invited over there. N had her previous kids over for sleepovers quite frequently when their single mother wanted to get out for an evening, and I'd had an extensive conversation with her previous employer who obviously thought the world of her. I couldn't believe I was considering leaving K with people I'd just met, but I had such a good gut feeling about them.

So far, N is working out incredibly well. She has a very calm and loving personality, with high expectations for good behaviour. She and K get along great. She effortlessly took over the housekeeping and cooking, and we have healthy food to each every night, which I find rather tasty. She's happy and chatty and friendly and a joy to be around. I had the first couple days off work when she started, and when I walked to school after lunch with her and K to drop K off, the playground monitor came over and asked me if I'd been sure to tell N that if no kids or adults are in the kindergarten playground, N is to take K into school past the main office to wait for the bell. Apparently E had dropped her off in an empty yard more than once, and just by chance had the monitor or a teacher noticed her through the window standing outside by herself. The monitor also told DH that it was nice to see someone smiling and friendly drop K off, so apparently no one much liked E. Except K, who was sad to see her go and apparently got roped into a little campaign by E in an attempt to keep her job. I think K had told E we were looking, and definitely told her once we'd hired N, as we heard from our friend that her nanny had told her we'd hired someone else, and that K had told E. The final week, E stepped it up a little while DH was away in an attempt to keep her position, but it was too little too late. She got a nice chunk of severance money, and that was that.

In March, K turned 5 and we had 2 parties and I baked 3 cakes. First party was for her school friends (10 of 12 came), and I had to make it egg-free for the one allergic to eggs, and was shocked when his mother said most people (including his best friend's mother) usually don't accommodate and tell her to bring food for him to eat to parties. Can't even imagine excluding a kid like that! Second party was for her old nanny group of friends from before school, which was also about 10 kids. I couldn't handle the thought of having 20-24 kids plus random parents over at once, so thought I'd split it into 2. And as well, with fewer kids at each party, K had time to play with everyone. The only game they were interested in playing was pass the parcel and memory, and other than that just wanted free play. Guess I'll try again with the games next year. K was thrilled that our first nanny A was able to stop by for a quick visit.

So I guess that pretty much updates things. We had a great time in Germany at Christmas this year, with lots of time for friends and family. We got back to our old road-trip style vacation in France last summer now that K's old enough to handle that, which was really nice. And we had a great time at Dis.ney World with my Mom and brother and his family in Dec, including a 3 day cruise.

Next up:  South Africa! Really looking forward to seeing some cool animals again, as our Namibia trip was nearly 11 years ago now.

Mommy guilt

DH is off in South Africa for business for 8 days, so K and I had an all-girls weekend. I was on call last Thurs and Fri and was around to pick her up from JK for lunch and drop off after lunch both days, which she was totally thrilled about. I'd been supposed to take her to school on Thurs, but then got stuck covering for a colleague after my 7am meeting finished and he was going to be up to 1h late for the OR. I felt so horrible phoning home to say that I wasn't going to make it for breakfast and to take her to school as promised.When I picked her up for lunch and apologized, she just said "Das ist OK Mama" (= that's OK Mama) and we headed home.

Then I had the morning off work today. We snuggled, she ate while I packed her snack, and then I took her to school. We had lunch together and I dropped her off for the afternoon before heading to work. 

Tonight over dinner, and again at bedtime, she said:  "Du sollst immer bei mir bleiben Mama. Du sollst alle deine Meetings absagen, und kein Nachtdienst machen. Du sollst nicht mehr arbeiten und immer bei mir sein." (= you should always stay with me Mama. You should cancel all your meetings and not do night call. You shouldn't work any more and always be with me.) When I asked her how we would pay for things, she said "Wir koennten von Papa's Gehalt leben." (= we could live on Papa's salary) and then said something about how I don't earn anything anyhow. Funny kid!

So now I'm left feeling guilty that I don't spend enough time with my child and am working too hard. I can't see being able to cut back much, and it wouldn't really make sense now that she's in school for 5h a day M-F. My heartstrings have been tugged though...