Leafing Through

-A hurriedly jotted down number- nameless...wonder whose was it...temped to call up and check...
-some random notes by a colleague who didn't have a paper on hand...
-few pointers for possible blog posts..jotted down at a client place..
-Various styles of signature...
- random doodles...artistic florals, leaves, just circles...a knife...a cup...a face..what was I thinking?
- PNR number...
-product codes...
-SMS check -in number for Jet airways

What's jotted on the last page of your notebook?

Allowances

A colleague once told me, never buy stuff for your kids in front of them. It makes them think everything can be bought if you fuss hard enough. Buy things for them when they are not observing. A part of me agrees and a part does not. I can imagine kids just loading stuff at random in the shopping bag, expecting parents to pay for them at the counter. Easy!
Why kids, sometimes I feel less guilty while paying via credit card compared to when the bank notes leave my purse. Or when hubby pays for something, I feel less concerned than when I pay for it, even though my money is my money and his money is also my money!
On the other hand, how else one teaches the value of money to kids? Or is it fair to inflict the worries of money matters on the kids? I remember when Dad used to talk of salaries getting delayed I used to worry sick how he will run the family. I remember filling up the annual income in admission forms and back calculating whether it is sufficient to pay for our needs. With limited understanding of savings, I used to worry unnecessarily. I really cannot decide which is the right way to balance it and convey the message that they are secure, they need not worry about issues for which they are too young but also not be totally oblivious to the ways of the world.
That brings me to the subject of allowances. Should I give pocket money to the kids or let them ask and I buy for them, thereby exercising control over where they put their money? Sue wrote an interesting post which talked about how she used her allowances and how thy grew as she grew.
At what age is it right to give allowances? I remember not having regular pocket money because I never felt the need to buy anything for myself. Hubby talks of getting "bus-money" of which he used save some by the weekend due to round figure fare issues and how they used to buy a treat for themselves with it. Does pocket money teach kids how to make that rupee go farther or do they just fritter it away in excesses?
Suppose I go by the principle of buying on request basis. What are my choices?
Do I buy whatever they request or do I ration them out?
Some of the allowed and not allowed stuff I have in mind based on what kids usually ask for would be-
1. Books/ Magazines- definitely allowed but rationed to an extent. First they need to exhaust other options like library- school & local, friends and internet. I will allow a few subscribed magazines/ comics, the rest could be read on the net. Collectibles like asterix, tintin, amar chitra katha, Enid Blytons allowed but I will try to make them hunt for a good bargain. Since I am a book freak myself, I am generous about it but calculated too. I will encourage them to build their own library because I know the joys of reading and re-reading books.
2. Clothes/ Shoes- Allowed not just for birthdays or festivals. Something I cannot control because we both are clothes horses ourselves. We don't wait for occassions but buy as we like it. Most of us have been encouraged to wear clothes/ shoes till they get completely worn out. We were taught to preserve new clothes and use them ultra- sparingly until we realized that it has gone out of fashion or we have grown out of it and we never managed to wear them to our heart's content. Today I realize that is not the best way to do it. Apparances do matter and grooming is important. I would like to encourage my kids to understand that, so that they don't end up being totally devoid of interest towards self-maintenance- kind of "badshauk". I have seen people who wear their ordinary clothes for a wedding or the most out-of-date style regularly because they do not want to give them up. Instead of controlling numbers, I will perhaps focus on getting better bargains, have a fair mix of varieties and keep an eye out for discarding stuff that start "looking old". Replenish on need basis rather than occassion basis. and buy sensible rather than outrageously expensive.
3. Toys/ Games- Heavily rationed unless they are educational- like kalaiedoscope/ monopoly, scrabble or game of skill like carrom, chess etc. I will wait for birthdays to get them as gifts- may be drop heavy hints to allow people to buy them before I take the money out of my purse. A big no-no for game CDs unless they want to make a career out of them. A few allowed as stress- busters but no excesses on that.
4. Food/ Treats/ Chocolates/ Snacks- Allowed - We both are shameless foodies. But here's the deal- no control on any fruit they want, no control on home made stuff- cakes, desserts, snacks, eggs, milk products, home made juices. But serious objection if they are used to substitute the regular meals. As long as they have healthy meals, they can freak out on snacks in-between. Any new snack will be tasted, experimented and judged. Being from the food industry, I want them to develop a taste for and relish all kinds of food so I have no objection for trying any new product. They can select what they want to eat but quantities will be rationed. Chocolates will be rationed on weekly basis, same for packed juices/ cakes. A monthly or fortnightly meal outside with family allowed.
5. Memberships/ Communities/ Signing for Extra curricular activities- Allowed if related to books, sports, quizzing, performing arts, community work etc as long as it does not interfere in their regular activities and is not over or dangerous. If a group of friends want to take off on their own for a trip, I may not allow that unless we are convinced it is worth it or unless they are old enough. Agreed travel widens the perspective, makes one independent but I have to allow that based on thir age and how responsible they are.
6. Music/ Video CD's/ DVD's- Allowed but a few months after the release, if they still want it. I will encourage them to buy the original stuff and not go around downloading because I want thm to enjoy and appreciate quality sound and listening experience rather than listen just for the sake of listening.
They say kids have a lot of pester power in major household purchases. This lot is getting smarted day by day. So how as a parent am I going to match their step and still exercise control is the question.

A Stick In Time

I was told to keep a stick handy, to be used by hubby & me only to discipline the kids.
While I really do not appreciate the use of stick, the faulty logic surprised me. The entire day we are not at home so the kids get disciplined only when we are present. Rest of the time, can they cross the boundries?
Physical punishment will leave its mark on the impressionable minds. I don't want their memories be marred with episodes of punishment involving the stick and their parents.
To me discipline is a round-the clock thing. I can't be discilpined in the morning and indisciplined by nightfall. It is something that is inbuilt and instilled as a part of the system. Needs patience and anyone in contact with the child should ensure that the interaction is within the limits of acceptable disciplined behavior.
When I think of those times when I lose control and scream on the kids or give them a smack, I feel it is done more out of frustration than anger at the kids. Frustration at being unable to control and reason out with them. It is my failure than the kids' failure that causes me to attack by words or hand.
The stick does not matter as much as the association and the accompanied expectation of instilling fear in the child. Why should a child be taught to be scared of his parents. If he cannot open up to his own parents, he will find a confidante outside the home and the advice may not be really inline with the family's sentiments and rules. I have nothing against external confidantes but i would like it if my kids are close to atleast my husband or me when they want to discuss their problems. I would like my kids to be fearless and be able to expect a fair hearing on every interaction from us rather than use external props to force us to go by their line of thought.

Weekend Fodder
1. So what do the parents say? Spare the rod? Or otherwise? Why?
2. Can one just keep a cane and use it on rare occassions even if it is not a regular feature? Old school of thought was to use it- both at home and school but today authorities view it very strongly. By just keeping a disciplinary tool handy are we insulting the kids and affecting them wrongly?
3. If there is any expert out there reading my post- Does beating/ caning cause psychological damage, insecurity, low confidence levels/ self esteem in the adult?

Gifts Galore

The birthday is fast approaching and my one big worry is how to handle the gift issue that comes with every guest you invite. I dread the quantity of gifts that will come in and I have no space to keep them.
I cannot control the number of guests because irrespective of the guest list, all kids of the complex will walk in for any party. More than that, all kids are friendly with Ojas & Tejas and I do not have the heart or will to restrict the guests to thir age group.

Weekend Fodder (4 days holiday can be considered as an extended weekend!)

• Is it rude to say "no gifts" on the invitation?
• Is it ok to foster the idea of gifts being part of any celebration and therefore condition the kids to expect gifts during birthdays
• As my friend AD rightly says- what is a birthday without gifts- is it not ok to teach them that gifts are one way of showing care and it is ok to expect and give gifts and nothing greedy about waiting eagerly to get them during birthdays.
• Infact the "iski kya zaroorat thee" (there was no need to bring gift) mentality is a no-no - one must gracefully accept and express delight because there is a joy in giving too and a thought behind that really matters.
• In light of global warming, is it ok to pass on gifts that you don't need - repack and gift it to someone else? Let it not waste away in storage. Lot of people do mention that it is something I got and cannot make use of it so I am passing it on to you. But they top it up with another gift they have bought so as to not look mean not having bought something for a gift.
• Or charity would be the better option? come to think of it, is it not a kind of forced charity- because you can neither gift, nor use nor store so the last option is giving away?
• What is the yardstick to measure the amount spent on a gift? Lot of people note down what gifts they received- record keeping is one reason but another reason often cited is so that you return in kind. Should I gift to match up with what someone gave us or should it depend upon my capacity? Is there a market rate for each occasion?

The Goddess in Us

The nation is worshipping Shakti- Goddess Durga this month. We worship women, regard them as Shakti, Laxmi, Saraswati.
Does the sentiment towards women end there or is that a beginning for something else?
We are talking of Gender bias, Gender Equality, Gender Empowerment, Equal opportunity irrespective of Gender. In true sense, what is the kind of equality are women looking at? Is it just equal opportunity and other corporate-ish terms but is there more it?
Is woman-friendly the word we are looking at, without giving extra advantage to women over men?
If I am asked in an interview whether I will quit after marriage or baby or whether I will move city if my husband moves, would I be pissed off at the interview stage itself with the company? Is it such a big deal? Why ask such obvious questions? Would they ask a man- if you get a better opportunity would you move on? As a woman, getting married and moving on to a different city with a scope of a better job might be a better opportunity in totality. Or once I have a baby, a work from home option or a company with flexi timing may be as good as a better opprtunity. Where as, to a man a better opportunity may be function of money, position, career growth only rather than all of the above. I have known women to reject grooms on grounds of they being stationed in locations where they cannot continue with their careers- miniscule numbers, but such women do exist.
Let's face it. Today nobody is looking at retiring from the same company where they started their careers. Having a man as a potential candidate for a position does not ensure that the vacancy will not crop again within a short period since the man will not quit due to marriage or childbirth. Moreover, if you as an organisation have decided to interview a candidate for the position, you better be prepared for the so called pitfalls of hiring a woman.

Weekend Fodder-
If you were the HR or even otherwise- what would you like to change in terms of your organisation to make it more woman friendly without giving women an unfair advantage over men? What is it that will be a selling point for the company in terms of women friendliness- policy, facility, infrastructure, anything, so that you will feel like accepting that job? What puts you off most in a woman unfriendly organisation?