What Does He Have To Do?

I was speaking to a friend last night who was sharing the story of a woman in a similar position as myself, single mom with an uninvolved dad.  My friend was telling of how the mom will jump at the dad's call and turn herself inside out trying to get him involved in the child's life when in fact the father offered to pay her $50 extra a month if she would stop asking him to visit the baby. 

My friend said to me "What else does he have to do to show her that he is not interested in being part of this child's life?"

And I thought to myself.....well, dammit if that is not a question for me as well. 

Since I last wrote, there has been virtually no correspondence between B's father and me.  After he asked about my address at Thanksgiving, he was totally silent.  I texted him a photo on Christmas.  I know.....I could have and probably should have just left it alone.  But I felt like he was putting her out of his mind and I didn't want him to get through Christmas without a reminder that there is one he turned his back on.  As my friend so rightfully pointed out, this likely didn't have the desired effect.  If he can come this far without getting involved in her life, he's more likely to see that beautiful smiling face and believe that all is well with her, that there is no need for him to disrupt anything for anyone.  He texted me on New Years, just wishing a happy. 

My original plan was to give him through January to make some sort of move to see her.  I have to be honest with myself.....I have given this man every opportunity.  I all but delivered her to his doorstep and he backed out.  He never brought it up again.  He doesn't want to see her.  He doesn't care about being involved.  How many ways does he need to tell me this?  His words said differently but I know better than to listen to words.  His actions are doing all the talking. 

This is not the outcome I hoped for. But I can put this to rest and feel good in that I accomplished what I set out to do.  My only true goal was to open that door.  I was the one who shut it 2 years ago and that was not something I wanted on my conscience.  It was not something I was prepared to have to explain to my daughter.  I opened the door.  I was sincere and honest.  I can look B in the face and say "Baby, I tried.  I did everything in my power to make it happen."  But I can't control his actions, that is on him.  Someday he will have to answer to her.  We both will.  But I will be able to say I did the right thing.  I will be able to show her, through my blog and journal, that I acted in her best interest. 

At the end of the day, if he is able to walk away from her, if he is more interested in getting back into my bed than establishing a relationship with his child, then maybe HE is not in her best interest.  It's easy for me to see and say that but I know, from experience, she will want the opposite of what she has.  I had a crappy abusive dad and I say I would have been better off without him.  But if I didn't have him, I would have longed for a father.  So I know this is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" thing.  All I can do is follow through on what I think is right and know that in one way or another, I may be picking up the pieces of his damage for years to come.  In the meantime, I've gotten her into therapy and I hope that it will teach her valuable tools for navigating this situation and others in her life. 

Onward and Upward.  Happy 2014.

Not Having It.

I feel like a weight has been lifted with regard to B's father.  You may recall the last update I gave about him Post Here.  I had to do some serious thinking after this one.  I know that he hasn't earned the right to be updated about her struggles but I am glad that I told him.  Because, until then, I kept my updates light and happy.  He was operating under the impression that she is breezing along, doing fantastic.  He has said to me on more than one occasion that he is glad she is with me because he knows she is in good hands.  Yes, she is.  But I don't want to feed into his delusion that, just because she is in good hands, she doesn't have her issues.  Some of which are directly attributable to his absence.  I needed to give him a little dose of reality.  I ended that conversation challenging him about when he might try to reschedule the meeting we had planned in October.  He didn't respond.  I didn't hear from him for a week and then it was just a general "been thinking about you guys and wanted to see how you were doing."  No mention of the conversation we'd had.  I answered that we were "hanging in there."  I am done giving him super happy updates.  I am also done sending him pictures of her.  That time is past.  It was fine at first when he was catching up but now.....he should be here.  He should not be given a free pass window into her life.  He's either in or he's out.  And at this point, I don't really care which way it goes.  I was so vested in it before that I felt like I had to present a happy front in order to get him here.  No more.  The sad thing is that I know, 100% without a doubt, if I offered myself as part of the deal, he would find a way to get here immediately.  That sickens me. 

In any case, I gave him the "hanging in there" answer and he did not reply.  Ten days later (ie: last Weds, day before TGiving) I get a text from him.  Ya know, just a few short weeks ago, I was lamenting the regrettable fact that I "crave him" and contact with him.  But on Weds, I saw his name come up as an incoming text and I walked away from the phone.  I absolutely did not want to read it.  So I continued doing what I was doing until hours later when I felt ready.  I gave a bit of consideration to what the message might say and how I would respond.  I was calm and prepared until I saw a message that simply said "hey what's your address?" I feel like I agonize over every exchange with him and he just blurts out the most ridiculous garbage.  WHAT is the point of that question??  What is he trying to pull??  I have no intention of handing him my address (let me point out that he is stupid bc my address is on every piece of court correspondence that pertains to our case) and so I wanted to figure out how to tactfully say no way!  So first I made a joke out of it.  I asked him if I won the publishers clearinghouse or if he was setting me up with a coffee delivery service.  And then he replied "Maybe.  Or maybe I have been known to just pop up....or I wanna look in your window"

What. The. Hell????????????

I had to sit on that one for a minute.  And then just said "Tell me why you're asking" 
He replied "Holiday cards.  If that's okay"

And again, I repeat.....WTH?????  Really?????  I don't believe for one second that is why he is asking.  I think he is trying to fuck with me.  His son goes to college near where I live.  I feel like he was toying with trying to put that idea into my head....like maybe he'd stop by on his way to pick up his son for TGiving.  I am not having it for one single second.  Yet again, I feel like I have to give enormous thought to how I say things with him.  I want to be clear that our little game is over but that the door to B is still open IF he does the work to walk through it.  So I said "That's thoughtful but I think best saved until you and B have spent time together"  No reply from him.

Before this exchange with him, I had a fantastic conversation with J, my male BFF.  I told him where I'm at with A (B's father).  I asked him his thoughts on just telling A I am done with all this nonsense.  Wise J said he agreed with that but would suggest I hang in there for another 6 weeks or so......allow the holidays to pass.  He reminded me that the holidays can arouse strong feelings about family and the new year can certainly be a time to take stock and think about changes you want to make in your life.  So, I took his suggestion and will just bide my time til about mid-January.  If nothing has happened by then (which I extect it will not), I will deliver the message that this chapter is done.  That the door to B is open but I will not be providing updates, photos and certainly not any form of chit chat between the two of us.  He is obviously not ready to follow through and I have to remove myself from a situation that is no good for me. 

Since I made this decision, I feel so empowered.  I feel like I was really giving all the power over to him and waiting on him all the time.  No more.  I am in control of my own thoughts, actions, choices.  At least for today.  :o)

Not Fair

I mentioned that I have started the process of addressing B's issues.  I have not shared these issues with her father.  He doesn't know her, has never met her.  We spent large chunks of her life not speaking at all but have reconnected in the past few months with the sole purpose (at least MY sole purpose....his motives are still questionable) being the exploration of a relationship between the two of them. 

I give him happy photos and updates and I really don't share the struggles with him.  I don't feel like it's really warranted.  I mean, after all, he is not my co-parent here.  While it's tempting to reach out to him looking for advice when I feel so very isolated in these circumstances, he can't make an informed decision about B's needs.  I've been on the verge of sharing her challenges with him many times but I don't because it's an emotional issue for me and it's tied into everything else I feel....all my own father issues, my anger at him for not being here.  I've not been able to separate it enough that I felt I could have a conversation with him that would not turn ugly. 

There is also the fact that I wanted him to know her first before hearing all this.  I don't want him perceiving her as a "problem child" but rather to see who she is and all the things that make her so uniquely special.  I want him to see that these issues are not all she is but rather how they fit into who she is as a whole. 

But the other morning, before B and I headed out to her initial evaluation with the pediatrician, I reached  out to him.  I gave him a brief overview of what we are working with here and he said "I wanted and want to know all sides of her.....I don't think it fair for you to try and decide what I should and shouldn't know."

Every part of me froze and screamed inside.............ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????????????

Since when is fairness to YOU my priority??  You want to talk about what is NOT FAIR?????  How about a little girl who has grown up without a father because you lied to me about who you were and what you wanted and then never made an effort to get in her life?  You think I am worried about what is fair to YOU??  Think again. 

But.....I walked away from the phone.  I realized that that response would not get me any closer to my goal for B.  So I waited til I calmed down and I said "A, there are a GREAT number of things about this situation that are quite unfair to ALL who are involved. I am not keeping things from you.  I want you to get to know her personally and incrementally."

He came back and said "I just don't like feeling in the dark."

(Ding Ding.....thank you for that smooth segue.....) I replied "I know that 'in the dark' is an uncomfortable feeling.  The thing is that I'm trying to engage you to know her, far more than a bunch of texts could ever convey and I have no idea where your head is about it.  We had plans to meet, you cancelled and you've not said one word about rescheduling."

No reply.  That was 24 hours ago.  In my summary of what issues she is facing, I mentioned that she has some definite fear and abandonment issues that are tied into him.  He had no indignant retort to that either.  Honestly, some days I wonder if this is really the wisest course.  He can be such a d-bag.  How did he manage to make this about him??  Is he that selfish??  The problem is that no matter which way we slice it here, she gets the shaft.  If he's not around, she will wish he was.  If he is around, she will either wish he was here more or will wish he was a better guy.  Likely both.  I can't win for her.  And from minute to minute, I have no idea if I am doing the right thing by her.  I am utterly drained. 

I crave him.

I do.  I find myself craving contact with B's father and I have to ask myself.....how is this tied into my own father issues?  Because I'm pretty sure that it is.  It has to be, right?  I can't see any other reason for this intense desire to be in contact with him constantly. 

We had an exhange yesterday that was a little questionable.  He made a suggestive comment and I, inadvertently, sortof agreed with him.  I know that sounds dubious, right?  Here is what happened though.  I don't know if I am the only one who does this but, when I am not sure what I want to say in a text, I start typing whatever comes to mind and then I erase, modify, retype, etc,.... I have an iPhone and when I want to erase something, I can just shake the phone to "Undo Typing."  I decided I didn't like what I'd written which was in agreement with his statement so I shook my phone and, in the process of doing so, I must have hit the Send with my finger.  GAH!

In any case, I had agreed but finished the sentence with a "but..." and so I just left it at that.  Anything else I may have tried to say would have looked too much like I was trying to dig myself out of a hole.  I figured the "but" expressed doubt in the statement and, uncomfortably left it alone.  He wrote something a while later that gave me the perfect segue to recover and refocus us on B.

Still, every day with him is just so hard.  I tell him the positive things in B's life which paints a picture that she is fine without him.  I don't want him believing that.  But every time I try to tell him about the struggles it's all wound up together with my anger and my fears and my whole history.  I don't know how to separate the whole mess.

Kinda......Lost.

I think I might be depressed.  I feel like I'm in a hole every day at one point or another.  I have regular thoughts of hating my life and wondering what the hell the purpose of it all is.  I'm not suicidal or anything.  I just feel kinda.....lost.  Or maybe just alone. I think it's more than I can ponder at this moment without completely falling apart.  As much as I really probably need that emotional release, there is never a convenient time to lose it.  KWIM?  Life must go on.

B's school struggles and focus issues have been heavy on my mind.  A recent conversation challenged my course of action and it was exceedingly uncomfortable for me.  I mean, I know that I don't take (perceived) criticism or even advice well at all.  But I had to consider why I felt so overwhelmingly threatened when I know the statements were well intended.

Here is the thing......I don't even really believe in ADD.  I'm not looking to open a debate about it.  I understand many people deal with it and everyone chooses their own course with the intent to do right by their child.  That is wonderful.  My own personal feeling is that it is very real symptoms caused by a variety of sources but it is not inherent to the sufferer.  I've read enough information and case studies that I feel comfortable in my belief. That's just me and that is all I need to worry about right now.

Despite that, I am *considering* having B evaluated for "ADD" and going another route to help her.  Here is the problem in that...... while medication may help alleviate her symptoms, I feel it is the worst, most horrible, harmful cop out I could ever consider.  I am vehemently opposed to drugs and to big pharmaceuticals in general.  I KNOW that I could improve her symptoms with a combination of diet, naturopathic therapies &/or herbal supplements and behavioral therapy.  Unfortunately, unless I win the lottery and can quit my job, I do not have the time and the resources to do so.  And that makes me feel like a total failure.  I absolutely feel like I have given up on her, am throwing up my hands and just caving to the easy instead of doing what I believe is right.  And I hate myself every second for it.  Yes, even if it works.  

B's father reached out to me this morning.  God, what bad timing.  I want to spill my guts to him and ask for his input.  I want to ask him to step up.  I want to tell him that she needs him, *I* need him.  Blah.  I want to tell him that she was upset yesterday.  Her karate instructor asked for help after classes on Saturday with taping the floor mats.  He said the moms cut the tape, the kids run it to the dads and the dads do the taping.  B thought we would not be allowed to help because she doesn't have a dad.  It's the little stuff like that that comes out of nowhere and reminds you all the small ways she feels that absence.  I wish I had someone in this with me who could be a sounding board, another set of eyes, another valued opinion of where we should go next in this journey. 

I never make the same mistake twice.....

I make it five or six times.  You know, just to be sure. 

Didn't I JUST say I was high on taking back my power with A??  Yes, I sure did.  He and I had a little exchange the other night and I flat out asked him to tell me what "really" happened the weekend that he cancelled plans on me.  I prefaced it with some statements that made it crystal clear I did not believe him.

Now, in my mind, before I did this.....the intended outcome was inevitable.  We all know he was lying.  By my approaching him in this way, letting him know that I was fully aware it was untrue and that I wasn't going to freak out about it, it would certainly open the door for him to come clean with me and we would have an awesome holding-hands-round-the-bonfire, kumbaya kind of moment where he would confess to me all his fears and reservations about meeting his daughter.  We would move forward into a deeper understanding of one another and this unfamiliar place we find ourselves in.

My mind never considered the fact that he would hold true to his story and get pissed off at me for accusing him of being a liar.  Really??  I NEVER considered any other outcome??  Has my experience with this man taught me nothing at all?  Apparently not.

So there you have it.  He stuck to his guns, gave me a more detailed version of his story and was angry with me for thinking otherwise.  And then, there I am......what do I do with this predicament??  I am certainly not going to apologize or grovel when I know the truth!!  But then.....I start to question.....am I SURE what I believe is the truth?? Is it POSSIBLE that he is being honest??  I begin to doubt my instinct (which, let's face it, has historically been complete crap when it comes to him) and wonder if I am all wrong.  The only thing I am certain about is that I went about this foolishly and I regret asking him.  Eventually we put it behind us.  I had to do a small amount of smoothing over without actually apologizing or saying I believed him. 

I will still call this a positive event because #1 he knows that I know it was crap even if he doesn't admit it.   But more importantly, #2 I have a better idea of where he is.  Which is totally not ready.  And again, I recognize he is in the driver seat.  I just have to buckle up and hold on for the ride without knowing how long it will be.  #3 I just learned to keep my mouth shut and allow him to go through his motions even when they are remarkably idiotic.  It's hard for him too, in his own ways. 

I desperately wanted that conversation that I so unrealistically saw resulting from my confrontation..... I just felt like it would be nice if he would let me know where he is at.  If you lie to me and claim the only reason you were not able to show up is because your wife was sick, then you leave me under the assumption that you are ready to meet your daughter.  I am likely to believe another opportunity is imminent.  If you cancelled because you are not ready to do this then, in your mind, this could be years down the road. It just would be nice to be privy to the timeline that exists in his head.  It would be nice if he believed he could talk to me.  It would be nice if we could, for once, be on the same page. 

God, I hate this. 

Sign of Saturn....she's coming around.

Some time ago, I wrote this post about my most symbolic tattoo.  Most symbolic yet the one I struggle to remember ALL. THE. TIME.   
Paraphrased: Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, is protected by the personality, the psychological structure enveloping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth.

So this tattoo was always meant to be a reminder of the struggle to find my true self, my rebirth, and more importantly as a symbol of my own power.  Yesterday, I realized that I am not being particularly Saturnine right now. 

I ask myself......is this situation really that big of a deal?? Does it need to be? If I sit so expectantly at A's mercy, won't that energy convey? He may not be that in tune with me (or women in general) but it definitely makes ME feel that he has the upper hand. So let me reframe this. It's a big deal only because I'm allowing it to be a big deal.


A quote from a book that came to mind while pondering this: "Whenever you need something from someone else you become powerless because they can decide not to give it to you."

I REFUSE to be powerless to A or any person!!! I don't NEED him!!! B doesn't need him. We have made it this far without him and we are doing okay. I am extending the olive branch to him for B's sake and also to do my part in her life. But that is the end of my responsibility. This is HIS screw up. Not mine. This is his responsibility to make the effort. Yes, I am absolutely willing to take steps to help make it happen. Literally and figuratively I will meet him halfway.  But I am not at his mercy. I am not his doormat. I am not even his friend. I don't have to accept anything from him that I don't want to. I don't need to walk on eggshells with him. I don't need to worry that if I say the wrong thing, he will no longer want to see his daughter. I don't have to beg for his love (for her)!!!!! Gah this is where it ties into my father. Dammit. And also where I say she doesn't need him. I still feel like I needed a dad & that projects onto her. The desire to "save her" from what I experienced. This part is MY work.....I believe these words in my head but my heart is afraid to release the perceived need.  Hmmmm....I am sure I wrote about this somewhere before about my own father......I need to hunt that down.

Ok.....I reclaim my power. I claim my Sign of Saturn. Excellent. Now what does this mean as far as how I deal with him?? (I'm still thinking about that part & working on a list of guidelines for myself.)  I feel more powerful today.....more centered.  I cannot give him the power to get me so off-balance.  I may wobble.....but I will NOT fall down. 

Who IS he??

As you know from my prior posts, last week, B and A (her father) were supposed to meet. He agreed earlier in the week, firmed it up the night before and then cancelled the morning of. The excuse he gave me was a lie, I know it.

I felt like it would be a while til I heard from him again and to my great surprise, he reached out to me yesterday with a generic "hey, how are you guys?" as if nothing had ever happened the week before. We chatted back & forth for several hours, Sat afternoon and Sunday morning.  I SO want to bring up what happened and put him on the hot seat about it. I realize that is not the way to go and I'm just struggling my way through this mundane chit chat, feeing so supremely uncomfortable.

It came to an emotional crux for me when he told me he wanted me to email pics to him as well as text them. I wanted to say "then email them to your damn self from your phone, idiot!" but instead I brushed it off with a joke. And now I'm reeling a little bit. I feel like he will continue to take from me and never give me what I want. In my life, I have a recurring theme where I am afraid to look like a fool at the end of the day. He did that to me once. I still don't trust him. I don't really have reason to.

I realize this is the ultimate in lopsided relationships but the potential ROI is the prize. My male BFF, J, made the comment that A knows he has a tremendous amount of latitude with me.  That doesn't sit well with me.  Am I giving too much?  What have I given? An olive branch, my emotional energy, provided him a window into her life, accepted less child support...the ONLY thing she gets from him.....and I took less in an effort to receive more (in a different capacity) at the end of the road. Okay....it's only been 2 months after 9 years of nothingness. I guess I have to give things time to develop. Patience is not my virtue. I am single minded and in a rush to get this going. She has not had a father one day of her life and now that it seems tangible......I just want it to happen.  NOW.

I am worried about being too nice to him and that he will take advantage of the situation. He is enjoying a decreased support order. He gets to see pics and videos of B. Like I said, a window into her life without any effort on his part. Am I being fair in saying that, no effort on his part? (Moment to ponder.....) Yes, I think so. I don't think there is any part of his struggle that I'm not intellectually aware of. Making contact with B puts the rest of his world and family into a possible compromised position.  I don't pretend to know what he is actually experiencing.

I think it really all boils down to a total lack of trust in him. I fear I will continue to extend myself and he will take it and never live up to his end. And that I will look like a stupid fool in the end. But will I? How am I being foolish? I am giving him a chance to show up in B's life. It's not for him, it's for her and I think the thing I need to remember the most is how I will be able to relay all this to Bianca someday. If he shows up, I made it happen. If he doesn't, I gave him every opportunity.

I don't know how to ride this line with him in the meantime. I've already said I'm not a patient woman, right? It is not in my nature to be "surface".....I want the meat & potatoes!! I want him to tell me his thoughts, I want him to tell me the truth about last week. Give me that much. Let me know, honestly, where you stand. Don't leave me hanging here and guessing. Don't play me for a trusting fool....oh, even though I totally look like one right now. I don't want him thinking he's got the best of me. That his player moves are still effective on me. I want to tell him I don't trust him. I want to call him out but I feel like I cannot because of the precarious situation. Because I want something from him and he knows it. That gives him an advantage. I feel like he is still playing me. Ok so then J's question....what would be the purpose of him testing or playing me? Because as a player, he enjoys controlling women. Is he still that man? I don't know....it's what I know of him and I've not seen overwhelming evidence to the contrary yet.  Who IS he, really????   

So what does this boil down to? I still don't trust him. I am afraid of being played. I don't know the line between kind and doormat. I don't do "surface." I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!! It's my own anxiety, the fact that I want bigger, faster progress. That I feel like I am making myself vulnerable and he is not being honest with me. So do I ask him to talk to me?  Or is this my own work to just deal with my anxiety and allow it to unfold in whatever manner it does?  I feel so completely unsure at every step of this process and I detest it. 

Uncomfortable

I am so uncomfortable.  Also, can I just sideline to say I have looked at the words "comfortable" and "uncomfortable" so many times now in searching images and quotes that they now look totally weird to me. 

Anyway.....Every since my weekend trip, I am in quite a state.  Let me qualify this by making VERY clear that I am NOT by any means, under any circumstances or by any stretch of the imagination a patient woman.  One of my very favorite e-cards asks "Why is patience a virtue?  What can't 'hurry the fuck up' be a virtue?"  Yep, that's pretty much my philosophy. 

So, if nothing else on this journey, I feel like learning patience, or at the very least, learning to live with the discomfort I feel while waiting for things to unfold, is part of the plan.  The lesson.  I really do appreciate the value of the life lessons but don't you wonder when they are done and you just get to bask in the glory of all the growth and knowledge??

I have not heard from A since he said he could not meet Bianca.  As I said in the last post, I feel like this is the close of one chapter.  I have no idea if I will hear from him next week, next month or in a couple years.  My door is still open but I know I can't make him walk through it.  It's on him.  I've done everything, and then some, to bring him to the door.  Every day, I feel like precious time is wasting.  Every day of her life without a dad, I fear for the desires building inside her.  I fear for the ways she will seek to fill that void.  I think about the ways I tried to fill my own father void and it breaks my heart wondering if she will do the same.  I know that everyone tells me how great she is and that I'm a good mom.  She IS great.  I do what I can as her mom.  Yet, I cannot be all things.  There are things that children need from BOTH parents.  I wish he could see these things instead of continuing to tell himself that she's in good hands with me.  He is rationalizing and excusing his absence in her life.  And I know that there is more to it than that.  Seeing her would open up a whole can of worms in his marriage and with his other children.  I don't at all discount that.  But B is my baby and she is my focus.  And forgive me for feeling it.....but his kids have had him for a lifetime.  My daughter hasn't had a father one day of her life.  I want to tell him that.  But....I won't.  I can't.  I have to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And be okay with the waiting and the discomfort and the not-knowing and the complete utter lack of control over this situation.  Not exactly my favorite place to be. 

Now for Uncomfortable #2.  Seeing J always throws me into a bit of a tailspin.  How is it that I manage to miss him the most after I've just seen him?  We have been friends for ten years.  I unequivocally love this man with my whole heart, to the depths of my very soul.  I have no idea what to do with all of that.  He is my best friend.  I would never, in a million years, want to lose that or damage it in any way.  But I so often wonder.....what if....??  Over the past two or so years, our bond has deepened.  Is our distance the total epitome of "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?  Or, if we were in each other's space more often, would we be together?  Could we be together?  I have never known two people who are more "peas in a pod" yet so completely different.  I worry that I am fooling myself.  He doesn't feel what I feel.  If I ask him, I will make things uncomfortable between us and hurt our friendship.  I worry that I am alone in this feeling....I believe I am not smart enough for him, not fit enough for him, not a lot of things he would want his partner to be.  I look at the scope of his love life over the past ten years and I think he's not interested in or really capable of maintaining a long term relationship.  And then I also think.....or maybe he's just not with the right woman.  Could I be the right woman?  He is such an amazing man.  I don't feel deserving of someone so wonderful!!  What could he possibly see in me?? 

Since we parted, I cannot get him out of my head.  We started off in a more romantic way when we first met and then changed paths to just friends.  I got pregnant the following year and we've stayed close friends since.  He is B's godfather.  He is my go-to.  I think he knows me better than anyone else.  To the point that it can become unnerving to me!  I can't ever fool him.  Even in moments when I am fooling myself, he is on to me.  Because I became a mom so early in our friendship and visits have usually centered around B, we've not explored the "other" side of our relationship in a long, LONG time.  But when I was there last weekend, we did.  He called it the big, giant, pink, purple, striped elephant in the room.  The lingering attraction that has always been.  How did we manage to build such a real, true friendship with that ever present?  I don't know.  But we did.  Again....is it the fact that we don't see each other often or......what would it be like if we did??  Would that attraction be satisfied and we'd fizzle out?  Does it keep us fueled?  Does the lack of time together make us closer and more appreciative of our connection or does it prevent us from being everything we could be?

I want to ask him these things.  I want to find out where his head is.  He told me over the weekend when things took a turn toward the intimate direction to stop him if it wasn't okay and that someone could hold a gun to his head and he would still never do anything to damage our friendship.  I green lighted him and we.....well, yeah.  You know what we did.  I am Monday morning quarterbacking......things didn't go quite as I would have wanted.  Nothing bad.  But B was there and we were a little limited in what could be done.  I wasn't able to sleep in his bed with him.  I was nervous, honestly!!  I wasn't sure where he wanted to take things and I held back from being as assertive as I would normally have been.  I let him lead completely.  I guess I just felt very unsure which is not like me in that arena.  But because this is HIM.....it was different. 

I've gone through my promiscuous times.  The previous couple years, I was there.  But this past year, I've not been with anyone.  I've wanted more.  The casual dating, recreational sex was not cutting it anymore.  Being with him is so.....fulfilling.  Emotionally.  I crave him.  And I worry about that.  Cripes I worry about everything!  I just don't know where his head/heart is.  I don't know where I stand.  I don't know if I'm alone in all of this.  I'm afraid to ask him.  I'm afraid to NOT ask him!  I want to text him about 10,000 times a day!  I beam when I talk about him or think about him.  And so.....I need to put a little space between us til I settle down, I think.  It is possible he is moving halfway across the country in a month or so for a job.  I may not see him again for a long time.  I feel frantic about trying to see him again before he goes.  I can't put that kind of energy out there.  So where does that leave me??  Living with the discomfort of all these swirling feelings, desires, questions.  No control.  Waiting it out. 

I want to crawl out of my very skin today.

Roller Coaster

What a bunch of anxiety, ups & downs the past couple days have been.  We went to visit Bs godfather who is in the same state as her bio-father.  That was already planned and provided the basis for my offer to visit her father.  We would be driving right by him on the way home on Sunday.  We'd texted earlier in the week.  I told him on Tuesday that it was on, we would definitely be in the area on Sunday,  He didn't reply at all.  I reached out to him again on Thursday.  I said "hi" and he responded within seconds.  Then I asked him about Sunday.  He didn't reply for about 2 hours and then it  was a positive response, asking when & where.  I told him and he said he would say it's "ok for now and would let me know if any changes by Sat morning."  I didn't hear from him all day Sat.  I texted him at 9:30pm & asked him if he had any thoughts on where to meet.  He replied at 12:20am, asked me how much time we had to spend.  I said I had no time constraints.  At 2am, he replied  "I've got a window of time...I want to see her - so when I get off, I'll be in touch." 

Now, let me say....I hadn't slept much the prior 2 days.  I had a long drive that morning, a full day with Bs godfather.....who is a man I utterly ADORE.  We have been best of friends for 10 years and our relationship would take several blog posts to describe the beauty of.  After we put B to bed, he and I stayed up drinking and talking and just enjoying one anothers company.  He's been a critical part of this unfolding situation with Bs father, giving me advice at every step.  We went to bed around midnight.  I could NOT sleep.  I had too much coffee during the day and my heart was pounding.  I was drunk.  My brain was going nonstop.  At that point I'd sent the text to A (her father) and not yet heard back.  Also I was sharing a bed with B and she was beating the snot out of me.  Kicking, punching, grabbing in her sleep.  At one point she actually reached out, grabbed my ear, crumpled it up like a piece of garbage and then smacked me upside the head!!  WTH???  So at 1:15 I finally got up and took something to help me sleep.  His 2am text came just about the time I fell asleep.  I woke up at 4:30 and saw it.  I was ecstatic.  And terrified.  And I couldn't fall back to sleep at all.  I finally got out of bed around 5:30 and got myself ready for the day.  I went through such a myriad of emotions, imagining how this would go.  Pondering how to tell Bianca, anticipating what her emotional needs would be at the end of the day as well as going forward.  I grinned, I cried, I ran the gamut of emotions but mostly felt excited that, after 9 long years, she was about to meet her father for the first time. 

I finished getting ready and then returned to the bedroom where my phone was.  And at 6:25, he texted me again......cancelling our plans.  He claimed that his wife was sick and had to go to the hospital and that he was "so, so sorry".  I think I read it three times to be sure I was seeing it right and then.....I came down the hill of the rolller coaster.  Waaaayyyyy down.  Bianca was downstairs watching tv at that point.  J was in his room reading the paper.  I went in and sat on his bed and showed him the texts.  He comforted me as I cried but then B came upstairs and killed that moment!  I said that I didn't believe he would mss with me like that.  J said he wouldnt give A that kind of credit.  I realized afterwards J thought  meant that I didn't think A was lying about his wife being ill.  So let me be clear....I absolutely believe that is a lie.  I'm sure of it.  What I meant is that I don't believe he would mess with me by saying yes a few hours earlier if he had no intention of following through.  I think he chickened out and I just wish he woud have had the balls to say "I'm not ready, I can't do it."  He and I have made such strides in the past 2 months, having better conversations than we ever had in the history of our realtionship.  This is such a monumental step backwards.  Despite the fact that I believe this excuse to be a lie I replied to A simply "Sorry to hear that, hope everything is ok."

We reluctantly left Js house....it's always so hard to say goodbye.  I was bone weary exhausted between 2 1/2 hours sleep and the emotional ups & downs of the day.  Fortunately, I was able to pass off my tears as sadness about leaving J.  We got on the road and stopped for coffee a bit later.  My brain was definitely going.  I sat at the coffee shop for a bit pondering my next move.  I looked at his wife's facebook page (yes....I spy on them).  She is a fairly regular poster and seems to never miss a chance to share bad news (albeit in one of those vague "ask me more" type of statuses that annoy me so) so I figured if this woman was sick at the hospital, there would be something on her FB page about it.  But there was nothing. Thinking that A must be in turmoil about this (or at least, hoping he was), I decided to give it one more try. I texted him saying "I know you have some things to handle this morning.  It's just tearing me up to see such a perfect opportunity pass. We have nothing else on the agenda today and I can easily delay the drive home to be around later if that would help."  I really was just trying to get into his head and make him flip back again to wanting to see her.  He replied "me too, I'm trying"  Trying what??  I wasn't sure what that meant so I said "I'm not clear what you mean....do you want me to hang around for a bit?"  He said "I think I'm out for today." And that was that.  We went home.  B none the wiser.  Me crushed and disappointed and disgusted. 

So.  I see this as the end of this chapter.  I'm leaving it alone for now.  The door is still open but he will have to be the one to make the next move.  I self medicated last night with wine and ice cream while watching the Walking Dead premier.  Then I thankfully had a great nights sleep for the first time in days.  I believe it will be a while til I hear from him.  I am.....okay.  She and I have made it this far alone.  It will unfold in one way or another and there is nothing I can do to force it.  Still.....my hopes were so high.  It hurts.

Just talking this out......

So I've taken another step forward in the possibility of Bianca meeting her father this weekend.  My plans with my other friend are firm and I reached out to A (her father) to let him know.  At first he didn't respond.  I didn't take that as a good sign.  I gave him a couple days and then followed up with him.  It took him a while to answer me and when he did, it was tentatively positive.  He says he's "ok with it for now" and it anything changes, he will let me know tomorrow.  Maybe I'm being naive but I feel like he is really thinking about it.  There is a lot at stake from several different angles.  He is the one who acknowledged that to me when we saw one another at court.  I didn't have to spell it out to him.  He seemed like he had a firm grasp on the weight of the situation. 

I am trying to ride this line between being prepared for the meeting without getting my hopes up and heart set on it.  I have not told Bianca yet and I won't tell her til we are on our way.  Writing is so good for me.  I was about to talk about all the reasons I have been mulling over in my head about how and when to tell her.  I've been thinking....I won't tell her until the three of us are together. 

I didn't want to put this huge emotional mountain in front of her and get her all worked up knowing that is what's about to happen. 

I wanted to give her a chance to be herself with him and not feel pressured to "perform"....to be extra charming or funny or anything other than what she is.  She does this sometimes....seems to feel like she needs to entertain people.  I didn't want her feeling any of that expectation.

Go ahead and tell me he doesn't deserve it after what he's put her through but I felt like I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a part of that moment.  To see her reaction when she learns who he is.  This is hard on both of us in our own ways and I recognize he's taking some huge steps and making some personal sacrifices if he does follow through and I guess I see it as a "reward" for that?

I wanted to come here and write more about that because I wasn't quite sure if I was navigating my feelings and reasons correctly.  But before I started typing out all those reasons, I realized the real reason.  While these other statements are true.....the most glaring reason is that I simply don't trust him to follow through.  I am afraid he will not show or at the last minute will change his mind, get cold feet or lose his nerve.  Until I see him face to face, I simply do not believe it will happen.  I can't say that fear is unrealistic based on past experience and absolutely a solid reason for Bianca's well being. 

Ready or Not

Holy Crap.  So I have some tentative plans that will put me in the vicinity of B's father next weekend.  I've been sitting on this for a while.  Should I ask him to get together?  He texted me this morning just a general check in greeting and I ended up asking him.  I've been thinking about it for a week & finally put it out there with trepidation.  His reply? "Sure, let me know when you are around"

Wait.  What??  Did he just say "yes"??  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Am I ready for this?  I am not sure yet but I still felt okay with asking him.  I wanted to put it out there and let him think about it.  I thought, honestly, that would be his response.....that he needed to think about it.  But not a hesitation from him.  Just a Sure.  I told him it was tentative on my end which it really is but, I figured, that gives me an out of I decide I'm not up for it.  Even if I'm there, I can say we didn't end up going. 

Yikes.

STUPID

I'm having a rough week. There are many different things going on that have led me here but the one really weighing on me right now is my daughter. Or as I now realize....it's actually me. Inner child me and my biggest fears about myself.

Bianca has some challenges with learning. She has a neurotransmitter imbalance which causes ADD like symptoms. It's incredibly frustrating for both of us. I'm going to admit something horrible here for the sake of being honest and for helping myself process what it is I'm feeling.

Lately, I want nothing more than to slap her across the face and tell her she is lazy and stupid.

Of course, I have not and I will not. But I give in to my frustrations and I envision it in my head. I am a horrible person for even letting that cross my mind and the guilt is eating me alive. It was not until the other day that I realized I'm not talking to her in those instances. I'm talking to me. Exactly the way my father talked to me. And guess what? My father felt those things about himself, too...but he gave in to putting it all on me. And I grew up feeling stupid and lazy. And still, to this day, despite all evidence to the contrary, I still feel stupid and lazy. If I am not multi-tasking, accomplishing everything perfectly, making all the right choices, having all the right answers then clearly what he told me is true. And now I'm passing it on to my daughter. Because I'm starting to think that some, if not all, of her issue is what she is picking up from me. She asks me the stupidest questions and I can feel myself look at her with disgust. And I mean stupid. Like she will ask me where something is when it's right in front of her, where it always is. And I can tell she is kidding/pretending. But she will defend her mock confusion with arguments & tears if need be. I tell her I know you are smarter than that, it's not cute to pretend you're not smart. But the way I feel when I answer her, mentally slapping and calling her stupid....I mean, she's....well, she's not stupid! Kids are incredibly perceptive. I'm just starting to think that she is creating a self fulfilling prophecy or she's drawing in my negative attention. It could be that she is picking up on the feeling that she will never be good enough to please me so she just isnt' going to try. I don't feel that way about her....but I feel that way about ME and the lines are just so horrifically blurred for me right now.

I feel like I'm setting her up for major failure here. I am disappointed that she is not excelling in school. I am ashamed of her for not being super smart, loving school and excelling at it. I am envious of other parents of kids who are doing better. I am exhausted by the extra effort required for the most basic of tasks. I want to tell her she'd better make sure she stays skinny because she's going to have to count on her looks. So in one swoop, I'll be sure to degrade her intelligence and set her up with an eating disorder. What a stellar mom I am. Truly I do not deserve her. I am highly resentful of the energy and time I have to spend trying to figure out what her problem is. And it turns out the problem could very well be me. Like I needed to be more disgusted with myself right now.

I am falling apart at the seams right now. I have so many issues with her, school, medical and otherwise and I feel like I need a partner to bounce all this off. But I have no one. I am alone in this and I'm terrified to make a wrong, ie: stupid, decision.

I feel like I am failing in every single aspect of my life at this moment.

The fact is I do believe I'm stupid at my core. And I've found ways to compensate for that. In fact, I've worked extremely hard to put on what I feel is a facade of success and intelligence. In my head, I know that I'm smart. But my heart so believes my father. And I'm still letting him control me. And why do I do that? I must be stupid.

My New Job

So I went to T tonight all hot on the topic of why thoughts from my past still reign in my mind. Why is it I can see all the negative, all the failures but I rarely allow myself to acknowledge a job well done? And when I DO allow myself to feel good about something I've accomplished, I immediately knock that down with reminders of all those things I've not done well.
~
I threw this out there for Susan to explain to me and she did so in blunt and direct fashion. She said (loudly, I may add!) "Because you don't dispute it!!" She added "Kim, it's time for you to self-parent."
~
Earlier we'd been discussing Bianca's upcoming transition to Kindergarten and I was talking about some of the fears Bianca has expressed. I described how I allow her time to talk about her feelings, I ask her questions to try to help both of us understand her anxieties. I validate her feelings and I offer her reassurance or encouragement that we'll get through it just fine. When Bianca tries something and gets frustrated that she can't do it, I lightly validate her frustration that it's tough to do new things. I help her breathe away the negative and force myself to ooze patience out of my pores!! I parent her with love, care, understanding, an open heart, patience.
~
When the "girl" inside of ME pipes up with a fear or a doubt, I beat her down into a pulp, berate her, insult her, shame her. I abuse her. I have remarked many times that my father only wanted to be a "parent" when I'd done something he could criticize. Well, looky whose footsteps I follow in when parenting myself. Even though in my parenting of Bianca, I see that I'm actually a very nurturing and good Mom! I also need to consciously remember, daily, that the way my father treated me had nothing to do with ME. I never did anything to deserve that treatment and there is no reason I need to keep reliving, and enforcing, his hateful and destructive messages.
~
Time to befriend myself. Time to view my inner child as the same innocent, decent, pure child that Bianca is and time to start treating myself the way I'd treat any other person I love. Time to dispute those negative and self-defeating thoughts. Time to love myself and nurture myself. This is my new "job." I'm gonna work it overtime and I'm gonna kick ass!!

FAILURE

I feel like such a failure lately. All I can see are the many things I have not accomplished. My failures do not define me?? Pphhhhhhbbbbbbbttttttt. Yeah, right. When it seems like all there is to me, you can bet your ass they define me. At least in my own mind.

~

It's been a couple of hours since I started this post. I just returned to it, ready to rattle off my list of wrong-doings that clearly evidence what a mess I am. I re-read my first thought and when I read the "At least in my own mind" line, I thought "which part of my mind is that? Is it the 5 year old? The 8 year old? The 12 year old?" I recognize this as my father's influence on how I judge myself. You're no good, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, selfish, worthless, lazy. Yet the 40 year old part of me really, really struggles with "blaming" my father for this. I am a grown up. When do I take responsibility for me instead of calling my flaws someone elses doing? This is a difficult concept for me to grasp.

~

Okay. So apparently it's extremely difficult for me to grasp that because that was written 5 days ago and I'm just now coming back. I had to break from the post to talk to my friend and bounce my thoughts off her. Of course she said all the right and logical things. I keep coming back to thinking "How can I be this messed up at 40 just because I had a crappy dad?" In my head I know it's so much more but I'm stuck there in my head right now.

A Degree Doesn't Always Mean Success

When I did the "Getting to Know You" Christmas Edition, one of the questions asked about the worst gift I'd ever received. My answer was to say that the gift was actually something I'd wanted. It was a book called "An Incomplete Education" but a comment from my father turned the book into garbage. Referencing my on again, off again attendance of college, he remarked that I already had one of these (an incomplete education) and didn't know what I wanted with another. That comment has stuck with me for years. It really hurt me and pinpointed something which has always been a bit of a sore spot.

~

I was speaking to Susan about this during our last session and as soon as I told her what he said, she remarked sarcastically "God, he's not projecting much, is he???" *Doink* If that didn't smack me upside the head. Crying out loud. I've been carrying that statement around for 15 years and, all along, it was about my father's own insecurity!! He never finished college and he was ashamed of that. And he put it on me. And I let him because I didn't even see it until Susan pointed it out.

~

Probing a little further on the subject, Susan asked me why my college experience turned out the way it did. I was actually a great student. With a few exceptions, I had high marks. I took double Math classes every year, always getting A's. In my Junior & Senior year, I was in the National Honor Society. I got a perfect score on my Math SAT and a near perfect score on the English portion. I had been accepted to some good colleges.

~

It was the middle of my Senior year when my brother was floundering and failing out of a community college. He was more interested in hanging out and dealing drugs instead of going to classes. At this point, and I reiterate middle of my Senior year, my father informed me that due to my brother's lack of seriousness about college, my father had decided that I would get more out of my education by paying for it on my own. No offers for a loan or for help. Just period. End of story. You're on your own, kid.

~

Instead of going off to school, as I'd hoped, I took a full time job and went to a local college part time. In the end, the job and the money won out. And my father won out. I didn't see this for what it was until I had this talk with Susan. My father's decision had absolutely nothing to do with my brother. That was just a convenient excuse but he would have found one regardless. He saw me excelling. And he couldn't let me show him up. He couldn't contribute to helping his daughter be more successful than he. Most parents want more for their children than they had for themselves but not my father. It terrified him to think that I might accomplish something that he had not and it would further spotlight his inadequacy in his own mind. So he did his best to put an end to that possibility and hold me back.

~

In a way, it worked because I never did finish college. The thing is though, degree or not, I am so much more than my father could ever be. Professionally, my father is quite accomplished. Well, so am I. Not to the same extent that he is but I'm okay with that. Because career is not my only success in life and that is more than I can say for him. I've worked harder than any college course would require in order to be the person I am. And I'm more proud of that that I would ever be of a degree. I'm a successful career woman with a fantastic industry reputation. But I'm also a good, caring, compassionate person. I'm determined to constantly grow on a personal level. I'm a good Mom who is very conscientous of the lessons I teach my daughter and the influence I have on her. I DO want more for her than I had. She has a happy home and a supportive parent. I want to help her identify and realize her own dreams and never hold her back.

Broken Alarm

(And miscellaneous father ramblings)
~

I've been getting really into dreams lately and trying to "teach" my brain to make better use of my dreams. I bought a book which includes a dream journal. It's pretty cool, asking questions about the day, certain events, prevalent emotions, recurring thoughts. You write all that down before you go to bed and also write down if there is anything in particular you'd like your dreams to address that night. The following morning, you write down what you remember of your dream(s) and compare it to the day before to see if there are any parallels.

~

Saturday night, I had a most interesting dream. In my dream, my father came to my house, uninvited, and I found him sleeping on my couch. I left him a note and I went to bed. When I woke up in the morning, he was gone. I could not figure out how he got out of the house without setting off the alarm, since he didn't know the code. I looked at the note that I'd left for him to find that my mother (who was not in the dream) had written back to me on it. I went to my bedroom and was laying in bed when I realized that someone had broken into my home. I was trying to set off my alarm by opening doors and windows that are wired into the central system but my father had broken the alarm and I could not make it go off to alert the police. The intruder caught me and I woke up in a panic.

~

The first thing this said to me was that my father (one of my abusers) "broke my alarm" and left me unable to protect myself when I needed to. Because of his actions, his messages, his abuse...he beat me down to a place that I didn't know how to defend myself. Nevermind HOW to defend myself....I didn't even know I deserved defending. If that was the way my father would treat me...my father....who is supposed to be my hero, my supporter, my protector.....then how would I ever feel like I was worthy of love and respect from ANY man?

~

I haven't quite put my finger on the meaning of my mother writing back on the letter I left for my father. I imagine it has something to do with her trying to make up for his behavior, overcompensating to pick up his slack or trying to make excuses for keeping our family together....not quite sure. As I re-read this, I'm also seeing other nuances...while in my home, my father was sleeping, ie: there but not "present". He left before I awoke, ie: abandonment.

~

These are my most vivid memories of my father:

1. When he threw me down a flight of stairs because I ran the dishwasher without putting his dinner plate in it first.

2. When I came home from a date and he greeted me at the door by grabbing my wrists, twisting them so hard that I had to bend down to the ground to avoid them being broken. He demanded to know what I'd been doing with the boy. When I said we'd gone to the movies, he kept yelling "What else?? What else?? What else did you do??"

3. When I finally told about the abuse from my brother, my father confronted me and made me say that I was lying and made it up for attention. He made me apologize to my brother for saying it.

4. Our final correspondence, 8 years ago. I initiated it through a Christmas card, tried to reach out yet again and see if we could address the past. These are but a few of the "gems" he threw my way:

~

"Kim, I was not going to respond to your letter. It seemed totally pointless. But perhaps you are seeking some kind of closure. Many people need that. I will not address each of your comments; I do not see any merit."

~

"Sometime I did something that terribly hurt and angered you. You have never told me what that was. In all likelihood you believe I should know but sometimes what is devastating to one person is inconsequential to the other. "

~

(*Important to note…read this with MASSIVE sarcasm intended*) "It's a good thing you are doing, or have done. Ending the abuse of this family history, understanding the dysfunctional background, no doubt forgiving your brother for his behavior as he too was subjected to that same loveless, tyrannical upbringing. Yes, you should be proud of yourself for that. "

~

"I believe you will never understand what I feel when I say what I am about to (I guess I am speculating, which I said I wouldn't but). The last thing that you probably want or would accept; but a piece of fatherly advice….let it go. Move on with your life. You will never understand me, so let it go. "

~

Doesn't he make you all warm & fuzzy inside??

Get OUT!!! & a General Update

Well, it's been a very busy few days! I think I left off at DD's Birthday....it was perfect! The kids loved the ice cream party. DD was in 4 year old, girly-girl utopia at the nail salon!! She grinned and giggled for a solid hour while they gave her the full princess treatment. Pretty pink little nails and the woman even painted 4 little daisies on her nails. I'll post a pic later in the week when I have a spare minute to upload them! We went out to dinner, just me and DD. It was such fun. And, as a treat for me too, I had a spa manicure including neck/shoulder massage while DD had hers done. That was NICE.

Friday, I took DD to her 4 year physical. She's actually "back on the charts" (the child growth percentage charts). Her height has been off the charts since her last physical. She's 97% for height now, LOL. Tall girl. Her Donor is quite tall, 6'5", so she gets that from him. She had to get four vaccinations....that's alot for a little kid. She was quite a trooper. Her shots got me to thinking about my own reactions to needles.

Always have hated them but I got very used to them through all the health ups & downs I've had. One thing I have not ever gotten accustomed to is IV's. When I was in the hospital in preterm labor, they had me on IV's at various times for various reasons. It's always "fun" when medical staff look at you quizzically and say "Hmmm, never seen THAT happen before....." Such is the case with my IV reaction. Everything around the IV goes into spasm and I've seen it actually stand straight up out of my skin because my body tenses so badly. The Dr's deemed it some sort of odd partial latex allergy (even though I'm not allergic to latex) because they could not otherwise explain it. My T believes it to me yet another manifestation of the mind/body connection. Because I self-protect so militantly, she believes the IV is perceived as an "intruder". My body attacks it and tries to push it back out. As if to say Get OUT!!! Leave me alone!!! I don't want you inside of me!!!! Just another interesting example of the power the mind can wield within the body.

Anyway...........the rest of the weekend was run-run-run. It was nice, for sure, but a little too busy for my liking. Highlights: a wedding on Saturday which was the best wedding I think I've ever been to. As I watched the happy couple, listened to them exchange their own written vows, I had a brief rush of wanting a relationship again in my future. And then during the dinner, as I observed the 3 already married couples at my table, I remembered why I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship again!! I went alone and I felt fine with that which is progress over the last wedding I went to only a year ago. I desperately wanted someone to go to that past wedding with me. I felt branded as a loser going by myself. This time, it wasn't even a thought. At one point, I was sitting alone in a corner watching everyone dance and party. I thought to myself that I was perfectly content watching others have a good time. And I realized that's part of my problem....I'm too damn comfortable being the wallflower. So I made myself get up and join the party....step out of the comfort zone! All in all, a really fun time.

Sunday we had a day full of plans and didn't get home til about 7:30. I'd forgotten to bring my Effexor so I was almost a full 24 hours overdue by the time I took it. Man, that's some nasty, nasty stuff when you forget to take it. I was a wreck. Barely could walk a straight line or speak a coherent sentence without whimpering. Felt like I was being shocked. Nearly had a panic attack when faced with saying goodbye to a crowd of people. Luckily my friend was there and she took care of the goodbyes for me.

Yesterday was a rough morning. DD was being really difficult. I had a bit of a meltdown. I think we were both really tired and irritable. I took DD to get her 4 year photos done. They came out cute. Not the best batch we've had but all I need is a couple good ones. In fact, I prefer only a couple good ones....when they are ALL good, it's too hard for me to decide which ones to get! As we were waiting for them to upload the pics to their computers, we took a walk. DD wanted to go on the escalator. So we went up and went to come back down. I don't know what happened exactly. DD jumped on and I just couldn't focus on the steps and I didn't want to step on. I tried to let go of DD's hand so that she could keep going down but I think she panicked and grabbed onto my arm so she fell and I ended up pulling her back up the 3 or 4 steps onto the landing. Poor kid. She got really scraped up. :o( I felt awful.

It was also my father's birthday yesterday for which I felt nothing. Complete ambivalence. I think that's progress, too.

Had a very odd dream this morning. Not sure where I was going but I was bringing a horse with me. I was on a cliff, on a very narrow, windy road making my way to my destination. As soon as I got onto this road, my horse jumped off. I was horrified and thought he'd be killed. I looked down over this steep cliff and could see only water until I leaned out farther and realized there was also a strip of sandy beach and my horse was safe on the sand, running along and we'd presumably meet up again on the other side of this mountain/cliff...whatever it was. I kept watching my horse to be sure we were keeping pace with one another. There was a large fallen tree or something in the horses path and as he tried to climb over it, he was attacked by 2 mountain lions and killed. I remember feeling such intense anguish that I couldn't even walk and the only way I could continue on was to block out the fact that it happened at all.

I know that animals in your dreams often represent an aspect of yourself. The way I felt connected to this horse, concerned for it's well-being and how distraught I was at its death tells me it was indeed part of me. The symbolism of a horse is a strong physical energy or even a wildness or the unknown. The symbolism of a dead horse is an indication that something in your life that used to provide strength is now gone. Standing at the edge of a cliff is somewhat evident...."on the brink", a new experience, new awareness. A critical point that, while exciting, also induces the fear of "falling" (losing control).

I had to look up the meaning of the beach and of mountain lions.

To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition.
To see a mountain lion in your dream, represents lurking danger, aggression and raw emotions. You need to keep your attitude and emotions in check.

I think the dream was about my self-protection, my Xena armor. I think it was about letting that defense, which has provided me strength, fall away and die. It's also about the fear I feel in facing the world without it, in feeling emotions, in letting myself participate in life with all of the hurts and disappointments that may come along. I've noticed the past 2 days in particular, alot of chest pains. Anxiety. It sucks.

Greener Grass

I'm sitting at work this AM and a co-worker stops in to see me. He's an older gentleman, probably around 70. When he first started here, I could not stand him! I thought he was ornery, demanding, difficult and a real pain in the ass. As time went on, I realized that I was right, LOL. He IS all those things. But he's also a softie with a great sense of humor. Once I hit on that and started to figure out how to goof around with him, we've become friends.

Past few days he's been asking me about my car. I downsized last year from a Ford Expedition to a Toyota Rav4. Smart move! He has 7 children and a slew of grandchildren. One of his daughters has a Honda Pilot that gets 15 MPG. She was going to lease another one and he was trying hard to talk her out of it. He came in to tell me that he made her go look at a Rav4 last night and she ended up buying one.

I thought to myself how fantastic that still at this age, her Dad is looking out for her and trying to help her make smart decisions. And then I thought....she probably thinks he's a demanding, difficult pain in the ass! And she probably gets irritated at his persistence in giving his unsolicited opinion. Well, maybe it's a "grass is greener" situation....but I sure wish I had the opportunity to be annoyed by my father's over-involvement, opinions and protection in my life.

Dear Father,

aka the DNA Donor I called "Dad",

As far as I'm concerned, this will be my final letter to you. In a recent exercise, I constructed the father of my dreams and I said goodbye to him. I believe that holding onto the desire for that father to someday be part of my life is what has kept me attempting to reach out to you. Hoping that one word I say would suddenly change everything. Hoping to change your mind and motivating you to be the father I needed.

This is a note I took in a T session some time ago and it's amazing how it continues to resurface in my life: Inherent in all of what I said to T is this deep down belief that [person in question] is capable of what I want from him/her and somehow holding it back from me. These are my illusions. That I'm not what I need to be in order to get from her/him what I want. That I need to somehow find the key to unlock her/him into being what I need. It's a carry over from the childhood abuse that taught me to assume responsibility. It can't be her/him....s/he is my parent/friend/significant other. IT MUST BE ME. This is something I need to let go of. I need to stop believing s/he is capable of more than what s/he is giving me because that is where I'm getting caught up and being disappointed.

Isn't that something.....this is the first time I've put that together to realize I do it with you and not just with Mom. But that was the whole point of this exercise. And it was the whole reason I've been afraid to just shut the door on my relationship with you. To stop trying. It was the dreaded "what-if?" What if one more letter makes all the difference? Because I held onto hope that I would someday get the timing just right, reach out to you at a receptive moment and say just the right magical words to transform your heart into being the caring, loving father you should have been. Well, fuck that.

You are who you are, who you have always been as long as I've known you. You're abusive, childish, immature, hurtful, hateful, prejudice, condescending, snide, cold hearted, selfish, closed off, sarcastic, controlling, unloving. Your arrogance and pompous attitude thinly veil your true personality which is broken, scared, insecure and damaged. I'm not going to empathize with that to my own detriment anymore. Things happened to you. Things happened to me, too. But I didn't end up like you. Because I took responsibility for my own life and made it better. You live in your own world and you can stay there. You can die, waste away and decompose there. Bastard.

You have robbed me of enough. I am SO DONE waiting for the day you realize what you've lost. I have lost enough to you. And I take back any energy I ever used to spend wishing on you to be who I needed. You are not that man. You never were that man. You are incapable of ever being that man. You're nothing but a horrid shell of a human being, rotting from the inside out. A complete waste of space. You are not worth my time and my energy. I am free from you. You cannot touch me, cannot hurt me ever again.