The Canadian - Are rules made to be broken?

I've been a bit distracted by a variety of things over the past couple of weeks, hence the absence from here. Thought I'd share an update on the Canadian though.


I'm sitting here mulling over a lovely night. I had my first visit to the Canadian's house last night. Meeting four, date number three.

I'm feeling very spoiled indeed. I arrived at his flat, which had obviously seen a tidy up effort in my honour, to candles and cold cava, cocktails and a delightfully relaxed dinner. I was hugely impressed by the effort he'd made and flattered also. Maybe he's as keen as I am on getting to know each other better, either that or he's a very smooth operator! Whatever the motivation, it was successful and very enjoyable.

I stayed over, perhaps too soon. Perhaps I am simply being a little paranoid about all the rules of dating that we're supposed to follow? It felt like the right thing to do, but pangs of what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' do rear their heads. My insecure self showing up, and confusing the me who wants more than sex, or more than a rushed into relationship that is rushed out of equally quickly. I guess I just have to follow my instincts. I don't always trust them though. We are grown ups, not 19 year olds who are nervous and inexperienced. I'm trying to be smart about this, not hurry, maybe it is a physical step too far. Maybe it is just what it is. Maybe I should trust in his efforts to impress.

Breakfast in bed and a very lazy morning with chat serious and silly have taken us along that next step in the road. I know he's looking for something serious, and not fling. I know more about what he wants from life. He knows I'm looking for something solid, and that's ok with him.

Conversation and kisses come easily with him. Honesty also.

He's an ordinary sort of a guy. He's clever, gentle and realistic, and not gushing or rushing. I am grateful for this. I don't do well with too much flattery or early displays of emotion. I like these things to come gently.

I look forward to getting to know him better one step at a time, warts and all. I want to do this slowly and feel my way forward without pressure, protecting my heart along the way.

Uk vs US - Dating Dos and Don'ts.....

Being a single 30 something girl can be an interesting exercise at times! What I've been wondering though is if our American cousins have a much healthier attitude to the whole dating game than we Brits do?


It seems normal in the US to date more than one person at a time until a situation becomes exclusive, but the idea of doing the same here seems inappropriate and a big cultural difference. Guys don't just ask girls out as a routine thing. If we were seeing more than one person at a time, it would be slightly frowned upon. However, I think there has to be a benefit to this.

It would stop us getting to hung up on one person until we knew them better, and then a decision could be made before leaping into exclusivity. The idea of seeing multiple men would give choice, balance and perspective. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves and others, following rules that often don't make much sense but are part of the 'etiquette'. There will always be an expectation of exclusivity without even considering if that's what we want, and how many opportunuties are missed because we're less honest, forward and open to exploring the options? What can we learn from our cousins across the pond? What are the pros and cons? Is one way easier than another? I don't know.

I think it'll always be a challenge and a gamble no matter the geography.

Happy ever after?

Last night I received a marriage proposal.....

It's just a pity it came from an old friend/ex fling whose logic was thus;

We are attracted to one another, we know that that side of things would be fun

We are friends, and can laugh and talk and trust each other

There's not enough frisson for us to have been anything more than lovers in the past (we did try some dating earlier this year). However, if things don't work out with his current girlfriend, he reckons I'd do......he was being earnest.

Unsurprisingly, I declined.

Unsurprisingly, he was drunk. And this whole conversation was carried out by telephone while he ate pizza. Clearly romance isn't dead!

Today we laughed about it.

Anagrams and physics

Attraction is like magnets, not like glue. It can't stick people together, it draws us in and can be pulled apart. Without it there is only friendship. This states that the obvious, but sometimes I need to remind myself.

There have been men in my life where lust has led us to one another, but has been insufficient to make some greater intimacy grow. Horse before cart. Over the years I've experienced lust, and tried naively to create the desire to know someone better where intimacy couldn't exist, hoping lust would become more than than sex. I've given in to it also, acknowledging that is all it is, and enjoying its fruits without guilt or expectation.

It amuses me that 'lust' is an anagram of 'slut'....

For me, lust is not attraction. It is the cheap substitute which often blinds and confuses, unless taken at face value.

However, this year has seen me face the opposite problem. I've been back on the dating scene again, enduring awkward coffees and fun times.

There are three men worth noting, weirdly beginning on the first of January and setting the scene for a different kind of year.

They have been creative, intelligent, amusing and intense encounters. A scientist, photographer and a musician. Each of them I have wanted to be more than they became. On paper, wonderful men who should have captured my heart, mind and body. But, that spark hasn't been there. That sense that even though you're not sure what is, you want to know more. That undefinable thing that makes you crave knowledge of another human being, physically and mentally. I have wished, and wished and wished for it to appear and all I have found is companionship or sex.

That spark has emerged with men who I haven't been sexually drawn to in the first instance, but something....something has made me seek out more. And that has grown into a physical desire that was invisible at first meeting. Not this year.

It has confused me. I was beginning to wonder if I wasn't seeing something, was there something about me that couldn't play this game? That, because of my past and its weakening hold over me, only dangerous or needy men would ever be attractive? Hearing my therapist's voice in my head, I have tried to be patient, give it/them a chance. I eventually realised I was leading two of them on out of a selfish want for something that could not be.

It has deepened my belief that I need to feel that spark of potential to desire wholly - physically, mentally, spiritually and in compromising, loving friendship – for me to work past the first tentative steps and roller-coaster early months.

The score sheet?

Lust 1
Friendship 1
History books 1
Spark 0

I'm turning into Bridget Jones again. Gag me if it gets worse. Really, do feel free....