This is pretty all over the place, but here goes....

Last week my brother Tom offered to take Isaac to the car show with him. I had been couped up in the house due to snow for almost 24 hours so I jumped at the chance for Isaac to do something fun. I took advantage of his four hour absence by meeting up with my friend for dinner. We ended up gossiping getting caught up about mutual friends. One of our friends is embarking on a relationship that feels very deja vu. Lots of the same elements of her previous one. Of course, it's always easy to look at someone else and say, "Well gosh, here's the problem. Why can't they see it?" My friend made that very observation and we laughed about how her pattern until she met her current husband was dating guys that later came out of the closet. Then of course the conversation turned to me. I shared with her how I have been talking a lot to old college boyfriend and how I think I am just swept up in the nostalgia of old times. My friend pointed out that she has a hard time keeping him straight because like PDH and summer dating guy, he is also in a weird transition point in his life, and not looking for a relationship. She gets them all mixed up. Clearly this is my pattern. I find guys who for various reasons are unable or unwilling to be in a relationship. And then I can't let them go. Why am I so stuck on picking at the past and rehashing it? Why do I stay in touch with people who clearly need to go? Why do I keep revisiting these relationships just to reaffirm that it is still a square peg I'm trying to jam in a round hole?

It's taken me about 37 days, but I finally decided what I want my word of the year to be for 2011:

forward

For the longest time time I had a goal I was working toward, moving my life towards. After I had Isaac, it was finishing school. I had to push on until I got that master's degree, that teaching credential, to move past the stopping point in my career where I found myself hopelessly stuck. Then it was kindergarten. Keep on saving money and living with my parents till Isaac got to kindergarten. Even once I ended up getting my own place, kindergarten still seemed to be the big milestone I was working towards. Keep shuttling him back and forth from my parents to the daycare center till he got to kindergarten. Now I feel a bit aimless. I know what I want next in my life, but it feels out of my control.

I need to really look at my life and re-examine my goals. I need stop sitting at home in a pile of self pity googling my exs, and reading e-mails that are years old. I need something to work towards. I need something to keep pushing on for. I just feel like right now I am stuck in the past. Stuck in the same ruts. Ignoring the same issues.

In really thinking about this I have concluded that maybe I can't go forward on my own. I've been seriously considering going back to a therapist again. I saw a therapist the whole time I was pregnant. For those of you who have no experience to draw on of therapy, let me tell you, it's not what you might picture from what you've gleaned from TV. You're not lying an a couch staring into a swirling black and white circle while an old white man chewing on a pipe says "Tell me about your feelings".

**

My experience was this: she was a hippy dippy kind of lady who I called by her first name. Her office was in the back of a yoga studio in a big barn. The doorway across from her was a room where people got massages. She would put on a white noise machine while we talked. She had crystals hanging from the ceiling. We would sit in arm chairs across from one another and we would talk about stress and drama of my pregnancy. At the time, it seemed everyone in my life had a personal stake in what was happening, and she was this totally objective person who would say "I don't think you are a bad person."

Anyways, I've recognized a few mild signs of depression and especially anxiety over the past year or so and thought that maybe it might be time to go back. I've been resistant though. Not because of a perceived stigma. I could care less about that. I subscribe to the theory that everyone in the whole world can benefit from therapy. I've been hesitant mostly because really committing yourself to therapy means forcing yourself to do real work. To dig up things that you've buried. To process and work through things you would rather avoid. To confront things that are scary. To ask yourself questions that are hard. To have someone challenge beliefs and ideas about yourself that you have always had. To commit to making changes. It's not generally a quick process or really an easy one.

Anyways, I still believe that I can have it all (my slogan from last year). But maybe it's time to accept the fact that I might not be on course to have it all if I stay stuck in the ruts I've been in.

It's scary.

But I feel like it's necessary.

I'm looking forward.

So there you go.

**I also feel like there is a big stigma within the LDS culture about going to therapy. There is a belief that it is something you should power through with prayer and scripture study or have a few discussions with the Bishop. The Bishop may be well meaning, but he is not equipped to help you deal with depression or anxiety. Also, some people believe that you should only see an LDS therapist or someone through LDSFS. Unless you live in the west, it will be nearly impossible to find an LDS therapist. As for LDSFS, I don't recommend them for anything, ever. However, I don't think LDS people should be afraid to talk to a non-LDS therapist. My experience was a very positive one. She was extremely respectful of my values and beliefs, even as they continuously played into our discussions. She never pushed me to question what I believed. Just sayin'

A few new things

I actually took this down yesterday. It's very cute (made it myself!) but I have had enough snow. Perhaps something Valentine's related will go up in it's place.

This cute pear bowl found when I was thrifting with my mom...

Also, I finally got some curtains for the living room (although every picture I tried to take of them was too dark or too light).

525,600 Minutes

It's been another great year. I am truly blessed.

I'm now the mom of a smart, friendly and happy kindergartener!

I turned 29 and had several fabulous celebrations including a family dinner in at a Hibachi and a dinner with friends in the city at Tria.

Birthday Nutella Panini.... yum!!

I've made it to a couple of concerts. I started off the year seeing Vs. the Earth on New Years Eve. I mingled with some friendly lesbians to see Sarah McLachlan and Sara Barielles at the Lilith Fair. And thankfully 2010 didn't pass me by without a chance to see the best band in the whole wide world: Counting Crows!

**Swoon**

I've been to a bunch of good plays including The Merry Wives of Windsor at the PA Shakespeare Festival and Wicked. This was also the first year the Isaac was old enough to appreciate the theater and we took him to several productions including Harold and the Purple Crayon in the city, The Emperor's New Clothes, and Frosty. He was also able to come with us to seee the traditional Christmas Panto at People's Light and Theater company instead of staying home with my dad like years past. "Grandpa and I are finally old enough!" he declared this year. It's so exciting to be able to share that with him now.

I had a great tan. I logged many, many hours by various pools and on the beach. I put some miles on my bike (though not as many as I should have).

I got a new phone when my old one died. Had a good laugh when the guy went to take the sim card out and a huge pile of beach sand fell out.

I successfully jump started a car without causing an explosion or electrocuting anyone.

I've been fortuneate enough to go on some wonderful family vacations.

There was our quick get away to Florida in the spring:

Our annual week at the Jersey Shore:

My sister got married!

So did one of my good friends from college Nicole: I went through a break up. I listened to a lot of Alanis. I moved on and went on more dates. I saw my old long-time college bf WJM in the flesh and didn't die. I've made some new friendships.

And rekindled some old ones.

I figured out how to use my sewing machine and did some crafting: I have one tooth less than this time last. Tooth 31 is now gone! I stopped eating red meat in July. I rejoined a gym, started (and subsequently quit, whoops) a running regimen. I got back into yoga. I discovered Zumba.

It's been a pretty great year. I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for me.

wedding emotions post-mortem

The photos

I stole the above picture from my Aunt Kathy's facebook and some random ones below from the photographers facebook page. I didn't take a single picture and so I will have to collect them from around.

(yes that's totally me in the front... and I totally caught it... and we totally planned it)

I keep sitting down to try to blog about the whirlwind that was my sister's wedding (parts 1 and 2), but nothing really wants to come. Honestly, the entire thing made me terribly emotional and it's hard to begin to try to put those emotions into words but here goes.

Thoughts on stuff beyond the actual wedding

(disclaimer, I really do love Drew and his family really is wonderful. These are my own issues...)

I know you are supposed to think about a wedding not as losing a sister but as gaining a brother. Drew is a lovely person and I am excited that he is now a part of our family. But I feel (irrationally, I will admit) sad about Jenny becoming a part of their family. Does that make sense? It's no secret that I hate the fact that my sister lives across the country and only is able to come home for like two weeks a year. It's hard to not have her around for the big stuff (graduations, Isaac's birth) and the stuff like birthday dinners or family get togethers, or just to hang out with. Last summer she lived with me for part of the summer, the longest she has come home for since she left for college, and it was the best summer ever. Anyways, especially at the North Carolina reception I found myself terribly anxious as the realization hit me that she now has obligations to another family too, and the time we spend together will likely be even less. For every two weeks of vacation, one week will likely be spent in North Carolina. *Sigh*

Blending two families can be hard. His family was really all about the mixing it up with our family with copious Harlos/Stephenson bonding and togetherness. I'm not going to lie, that's not how my family rolls and in some ways (in my head) it just felt a bit like an invasion; a little too familiar. It felt uncomfortable to hear Drew's parents describing Jenny's life to people as a slideshow of snapshots from her childhood flashed on a tv screen at their reception, or to hear his aunt knowlingly say "Jennifer doesn't eat chocolate". I just wanted to scream out "You don't even know her!!!" I know, it makes no sense.

I guess I have an irrational fear that every future encounter with my sister with have to include 2923 of her in-laws vying for her attention, or be limited to one little encounter a year; that somehow her getting married has forever altered the relationship I have with her as my sister. I cried and cried in the car when we left North Carolina. (Actually, I started crying when we said our good-byes at a breakfast with the extended Harlos family, in front of everyone... which was awkward. It was all of these emotions that I have been trying to describe and they just all hit me and then to have to say good-bye in front of everyone and not know when I will even see her again and it just call came out in ugly sobs and huge tears).

Incidently, it feels very selfish to even write about this, like I am making my sister's wedding all about me or something. I promise I recognized that the wedding was all about her and I did my best to get along with everyone and mix and mingle with the in-laws.

So anyways, I'm aware that I sound like total crazy person. I know this is a natural part of life and growing up. I do. But it's hard. Anyone else out there ever felt this way? You can comment anonymously if you'd rather. I'm thinking I can't be alone in having trouble adjusting with the change in family dynamics brought on by a marriage. But who knows.

Quickly

• I survived the wedding-- part 1 at least. Next weekend will be about 17 hours in the car with my parents for the North Carolina reception. Assuming that a hurricane doesn't cancel it.
• I would post a picture but I didn't take a single one. Maybe some of my relatives will send a few my way so I can share how awesomely tan I was (oh and I guess you might want to see my sister too).
• In the midst of wedding madness school has started again and I went from having a completely open and empty schedule to once again being stretched entirely too thin. I feel like I am doing a half-assed job at everything, namely: my job, keeping up the house, and being a decent mom. I still have a dufflebag at the foot of my bed that has not been unpacked from the shore, I've seen Isaac awake this week for probably a grand total of 4 hours, and I realized tonight I never registered him for soccer and now all the areas leagues are closed. I seriously cried when I realized that. I'll get my life together in a little bit, but the beginning of the school year always makes me feel like I am going to die.

Exhaustion, extreme heat, loneliness and guilt are getting the better of me. I'll be back in, like, a week or two.

Random gym stuff

• Why every time do I go to the gym and I want to watch some Bravo is it super old reruns of Top Chef? I don't want to watch Carla and Hung. Give me some Kathy Griffin or some Bethenny Getting Married. Sheesh.
• Speaking of gym pet peeves what is with women my mom's age wearing THONGS to the gym. THONGS!!!!! Don't ask me how I know; I mean, it's obvious. You're standing right in front of me in your skin tight workout pants with obvious thong lines. incidently, I'm talking black leggings with lace at the bottom. **Shudder** Now don't get me wrong, I've been known to rock a thong. There are certainly times when it is appropriate. THE GYM IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES!!! It's okay to have granny panty lines when you are sweating to death on a treadmill. Or better yet, wear pants that are a tiny bit looser. Sheesh. **Stepping down off soapbox**
• In other news, I've started a running regimen. Never in my whole life (even when I was skinny and in super in-shape) have I ever been able to run for more than a few minutes and I pretty much felt like I was going to die the whole time. I got sick of it though. I'm only 28 for crying out loud. There is no reason that I shouldn't be able to run a mile, despite my someone more rounded physique. Also, I can bike 20 miles. I know it's different muscles and stuff but if I can pound out 20 miles on the bike there is no reason I shouldn't be able to run ONE.
• So I am proud to announce that for the first time IN.MY.LIFE. I have been able to run more than a mile. Today I've built up to 17 straight minutes which is *almost* a mile and a half. I know, I'm sure there are serious runners reading this who are scoffing but it's a big deal for me. So anyways, I working on it. If I can keep progressing my goal is a 5k sometime in the fall. And at this point I would now say I would I have a love/hate relationship with running, as opposed to my former hate/hate relationship. I am finding myself looking forward to my running days. So that's fun.
• I'm also still loving yoga again. Unfortuneatly I haven't been able to go as much as I would like, because one of the classes is scheduled when the gym childwatch is closed.

Here are some of my favorite poses (I love the balance ones!):

Chair Pose

Tree pose

So fun and relaxing.

"Driving sideways..."

It's an Aimee Mann kind of night. I adore those albums. I listened to them over and over in college. She is very much like Counting Crows in that when you pull out lyrics they don't seem as meaningful. So much of it is in the music and the delivery. I'm trying to mellow out.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the summer, the school end of this school year, the start of the next, money worries, summer employment, my parents traveling, etc. As much as I am looking forward to summer, there are still quite a few question marks about it, and I just don't do well with uncertainty and transitions. I called my mom in tears because I am already panicked over who will be there for Isaac's first day of school (even though she has already assured me over and over she will come out since I will have to work). The beginning weeks of the school year are always intense. New students to get to know, back to school openhouse, and this year it will be Jenny's wedding the Friday before school starts plus getting Isaac ready for kindergarten. It seriously makes me hyperventilate.

But that is months away. And I need to be living in the moment.

And staying calm.

And breathing.

And sleeping. ..

Yay!!

After possibly the longest courtship in the history of two BYU students (I kid! I kid!) Drew and Jenny finally made it official and are engaged!

She called tonight and let me blather on forever about what I had for dinner and Isaac's soccer before she told me.

I'm so thrilled and happy for them. Apparently vacationing with our family for a week last summer was not enough to deter Drew from deciding to join it. They are thinking August for the wedding which gives me one more exciting thing to look forward to this summer.

(She asked me not to post about it on facebook, but I figure it is okay to post about it here.)

I'm so excited!

"subtle" youtube videos in place of blog titles...

This song makes me crank up the radio and car dance at red lights. . Poor Isaac. I wonder how long till he finds out that having your mom break into song and dance to the latest pop music is not really the norm. One thing I really miss about blogging at Myspace is all of their privacy settings. You could set certain entries to be viewed by anyone, or just certain people or whatever. I want to keep my blog open to anyone who cares to click on it, but I am pretty certain that like 70% of my readership is my mom and her friends. So how candid and real do I want to be when I’m writing to that audience? Eh. We’ll see. On the other hand, I enjoy blogging and the occasional "hey, girl, you're not crazy, I'm right here with you" comment that is tossed my way. And I know personally I would rather read something that is real, rather than the standard "So blessed!!" picture blogs.

So we'll see.

Let the trainwreck continue...

A few years ago I was blog stalking an ex boyfriend and stumbled across an entry about me, posted maybe a year or two after we called it quits. It did not mention me by name but it was very obvious (to me at least) that he was referring to me/our relationship/my imperfections. It was not pleasant to read. But fair is fair. Those were/are his opinions and his blog and and how can I be angry when I went looking for it?

I think you can tell where I am going with all of this.

Anyways, without further adieu....

I was pretty freaking generous in my last entry about the demise of the relationship between PDH and myself. We broke up because pretty much since I am doing 90% of the work and rather than address issues he'd rather put our relationship on indefinite hiatus. I mean, at least have the balls to really just end it with me. I guess I have to learn not to put all my eggs in one basket, I can be a terribly trusting person. I feel a bit blindsided because it seemed like one day everything was fine and then all of a sudden everything is just not what I thought. I'm under no delusions - I don't expect a relationship to be effortless, especially one with all of the issues I detailed in the last entry - but there are some basic things that shouldn't be an issue. Interest, for me, is one of those. The person you are dating should be someone you are interested in occasionally spending time with. So is being true to your word. If you say you're going to do something, do it, and if you're not interested, just say that. I can't take uncertainty and the confusion. From now on, I feel like that's going to be my first question.

I’m also left questioning the integrity of someone puts themselves out there by joining a dating site, who bothered to take the time to become friends with me first and pursued me while I was unsure if I was ready to date and slowly peeled back my layers until I let down my emotional guard. I just don’t understand how that same person suddenly seems to have no interest in putting in more than the absolute bare minimum of effort required to maintain a relationship. Why suddenly spending time together ranks below having your car tinkered with and watching Olympic hockey. Really? Really?!

(And, I'm just going to state the obvious here: this is why I am honestly terrified by the brief courtships and engagements of so many of my lds friends. How the heck can you really know someone till you have been with them for at least a year?)

The worst part is I feel like our relationship has turned me into a pathetic, desperate crybaby. And that's never been me....

meh...

Anyways, this blog will be back to it's regular od format of failed attempts at domesticity in about a week or so...

Until then, it's going to be a little heavy on the Alanis around here...

One of my resolutions is to go a week without using the internet. I find myself endless sucked into facebook and surfing blogs and... it eats up a lot of my time. I used to be such a huge reader and I have found that I am still working on my beach book from August (The Time Traveler's Wife-- which, in my defense is over 500 pages long). Anyways, I thought a computer hiatus might free up time to get a jump start on some of my other goals and if nothing else will give me some momentum by having one thing crossed off the list before the end of January.

So it will be a while until the blog is updated. Keep strong loyal readers (all three of you!)

The rules:

• Internet free week starts tomorrow, January 11, whenever I wake up and ends January 18th when I wake up.
• I am allowed to use the internet at work. I can check work e-mail (if you need it, lemme know) and go on other work related websites (IEPWriter, Edhelper, whatever).
• I'm also allowed to check my bank website.
• No chatting, no Facebook, no Blogger, no Hotmail, no yahoo maps, no youtube, no googling recipes, addresses, phone numbers, etc.

I'll be back in a week to report. Wish me luck! I'm not terribly disciplined when it comes to denying myself anything I enjoy but I am excited to see what I can get done this week if I am cutting down on my screen time.

Quickly

* Isaac had a bad cough, runny nose and my mom noticed his eyes seemed red. Sure enough, he has pinkeye in both eyes. He has to have drops in his eyes three times a day which he hates. The first time it took me, my mom, my dad and my brother Joe holding him down to do it. He has improved slightly since then. * My parents are definitely moving. Most likely to Connecticut, although there is a possibility Lancaster. This means my life is about to change dramatically in many ways. Most noteably, I will be hurled into the world of "real adulthood" that I have not really been a part of. It's fine, and it's time but it is also scary. Major change soon the horizon. * The exciting part of it is I am buying a townhouse, most likely a brand new one in Pottstown (off 724). Nothing is finalized yet but it is new construction, three floors 1.5 baths, 1 car garage. I would (of course) be getting the bottom of the barrel model with no options and living (essentially) in the middle of no where. But that is the price I am willing to pay to not live in a glorified shoe box, which is what I would get for the same price anywhere closer to civilization. So it looks I in about June I will be moving to the country! But the downside is it is a lot worrying about budgets and credit scores and down payments and what can I afford and not be eating cat food. Stressful. More later. How are all of you?