Be still, my beating heart

I have one weakness. One that has caused quite a few stirs in my relationship. It's so bad that sometimes all I want to do is to have it constantly and not let it end. Throw a mental fit when it does not go on and on. 

My weakness my friends, is my Judith McNaught novels. 4 favourite novels of hers to be exact. Paradise, Perfect, Something Wonderful and the classic, Whitney My Love.

The writing, the story line, the witty banters, and most importantly, the romance and chivalry. Oh. My. God. I want to live in her novels! One thing I love about her novels is that her heroines are never the weak, 'oh help me I'm lost', swooning women you read in other romance novels or in Disney movies. They are always strong, witty, beautiful and gets their happy ending. Sort of like a Mulan movie in words. 

I will be in MY zone when I read her novels, mentally picture the scenes vividly and feel those emotions flowing through the pages. 

And whenever I am reading on the of four novels and am in one of my PMS-y moods and am itching for a fight, I would frown at the bf and say "why can't you be like him?". The bf, who is used to my nonsensical outbursts will simply say, "one day, I'm going to BURN your books."

Oookay.. 

But honestly, I do read and love other more serious books as well, like Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, Anne Frank, The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obreht, Princess by Jean Sasson, Harry Potter (haha), etc. But nothing gets to me as much as McNaught. 

I remember after I read my first JM book last year, I was on a business trip with a colleague and I look to her still with my dreamy eyes and said "Now I get why she is so famous."

Okay, I really thought I needed to write this down because I've not been this obsessed about an author since JK Rowling. Although I am probably 20 years too late to catch the bandwagon but I'm still a fan no less. 

You have my heart Matt Farrell and Jordan Townsende. Shh, don't tell that to my boyfriend. 

Ghost of girlfriends past

For all my relationships, there is something that always comes between it. Something I think is a problem many women face.

Comparing themselves with the other women in their partners' lives - ex girlfriends, childhood friends, colleagues, etc. Do any of you do that yourself? I know I am guilty as charged.

This has created a lot of problems internally within my own thoughts and emotions as well as taken a toll on my relationships. Where I am constantly comparing myself. But then, why the need for that? Why do we girls do this to ourselves and to our partners? Are we not good enough that's why he chose us?

It's ridiculous. The Bf (the sweetheart) has asked before, why should I compare myself to them? Because according to him, I am incomparable. My answer is, I dont know. I think it's this innate curiosity chip built in us that makes us hunger for those information. What does she look like, how does her hair look, how does she dress, damn she has bigger boobs than I, oh crap she looks cute..etc. Then beat our other halves up for being with us. Poor boys.

I was driving on my way to meet Reen when I had this light bulb moment where I commanded myself in my head to "Stop comparing yourself anymore! You're the one he wants, love and is with!"

There really is not one reason for me bring myself down by comparing, but I do it anyways. Maybe just for fun. Maybe because I'm a masochist and I like the drama in my life. No matter what the reason is, it's suffering to keep doing so.

Therefore, to my dear BF, I promise I will do my best to stop comparing and bringing up other girls in our conversations. They are the past and will be kept in the past-vault with the keys buried deep. I cannot promise that their ghosts won't appear every now and then, but I do promise to try and keep them away with all my will power.

Now, how can i make them disappear once and for all in reality?

:p

Freeze the rainbows now will ya?

Don't you realise how everytime I write now, it's about things that matters but don't really? Scratch that if it doesn't make sense.

I was just thinking about how everyone is preoccupied with one thing or another in their lives right now. Be it work, studies, relationships or whatever. And how can life just be all about this?

I want to run through lake gardens until my legs hurt and I've run out of breath. I want to sit on that roller coaster and scream my lungs out till I'm hoarse. I want to sleep until I can't anymore and have to get up because I am pissed at not being able to sleep again. I want to have picnics in the park all day from morning till night, just eating, lying on my back, feeling the warm sun and breeze on my face, neck, arms and other parts of my body that are exposed whilst not having the slightest worry or thought of what I have yet to get done, not even at the back of my mind.

...You can tell it's a hormonal period now right.

I came across this quote from the internet. I don't even know who it's from but it's such an honest perception about love, so different from the fairytale ending that we grew up with.

"I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into the room and smile at you."

I read that and felt warm and fuzzy because I feel all the same things that were mentioned in the quote. =)

On the other side of the coin, feeling those is still a fairytale moment, the hard part comes after these feelings slowly subside and you have to work harder to maintain or regain those feelings. But that's a different post altogether.

Now let's get back to reality. Responsibilities & commitments.

when will we reach the stars?

I was reading this girl's blog about how she feels when her significant other puts more time and effort into work for the 'better future' and how she feels neglected.. i dunno man, i kind of felt that i could relate to what she was writing. Not wholly, but parts of me.

There were times when i would wonder to myself before i drift off to surprising places, that would it be worth it to prioritize success over loved ones? Would that success be worth it in the end? I know i've ponder and asked about this topic for a long time.. i never seem to have a resolute answer.

I know of guys who would put off the whole marriage idea with their girlfriends just because they have not achieved in their career successfully. What sort of success, i do not know. Maybe their first million? This is my question to all guys, why can't you share this journey with your significant other? Why must it be one or the other? Success or marriage (example only, could be just plain ol love) ?

It's just boils down to the male masochistic thoughts aint it? The one where their cavemen instincts kick into high gear- go out to hunt to feed their wife and kids, and never expecting their wives to do the same.

The bf used to constantly plan for the future. Good life, comfortable home, nice cars, clothes, etc. But he forgets about the present. What can we do together now with whatever little means we have. And i used to get really frustrated because i felt neglected. It wasn't that he didn't shower me with love or gave me attention, rather it was just that i didn't really care about what will happen in the future, sure i want those nice things, but it is not everything you know. I wanted us to be able to enjoy each other here and now. The future is vague, we can work so hard but the future will always stay as a future if we do not appreciate the present. What we have presently is what will bring us to the future.

This is so melodramatic. I am so melodramatic.

I dunno man, i'm just so tired of waiting for the future.

Do you feel the breeze everyday?

Have you ever notice yourself going about your daily chores on autopilot? Getting into your car and the next time you realised, you're already in the middle of the highway? Or sitting down at the dining table and the next thing you know, your plate is half empty?

I have.

Loads of times.

This is probably normal for everyone, but it just goes to show how many moments in life we have missed, just because we were too caught up with something on our minds thus our routined actions take over? It's like the show 'Click'. Where the guy fast forwards his life and in doing so, he just goes about his days like a robot, or going through the motions. Looking but not seeing; hearing but not listening.

When this happens, most often that not, this autopilot moments takes away quality time with people dear to us. You are supposed to have fun and bonding-topics talks over hearty meals with your loved ones, but when u space out..

So many moments are missed because of this. I know i have miss happy conversations between my family and friends just because something is clouding up my mind.

These thoughts are going nowhere. Lol. I guess, what i'm getting at is to always be mindful of what you're doing. Put your mind to the things you're doing at that moment, and not at somewhere else so you'll be able to enjoy it fully.

This is definitely something i have to constantly remind myself.

Forgiveness

Oh gosh, the internet connection today is driving me insane! I thought i have already accustomed myself with the pms connections with patience, but it's really treading on hot rocks today. Grr!

Nvm, on to the main purpose i'm here. :)

I was sifting through all my written materials today and found a speech i wrote in 2004 about Forgiveness. In it was a poem i nicked from Chicken Soup for the Soul, the book that really helps people get through emotional patches. Really, if you feel like crap that day, there are many other stories in there that is far worst than yours. Makes you feel less like a loser. Haha.

Okok, i'm digressing.

Anyway, this poem remains one of my most favourite poems till today because its message and meanings hit right home. No matter how old you are, what stage of life you are in, you can still identify with its meanings. It can be deep, it can just touch the surface, either way, it HITS i tell you! Lol.

*****

(I edited it a little from the original ;p)

Forgive the sun who didn't shine
The sky has asked her in to dine
Forgive the rain for its attack
The clouds have tears they can't hold back
Don't hate the birds for they are free
Don't envy all the things they see
Don't block the wind, but hear its cry
Or else, that wind may pass you by
Life intends to not cause pain
The flowers bloom from all the rain
The storm will come and it will die
The stars at night lights up the sky
Forgive the world in which we live
We'll all find peace, when, we forgive


*****

nothing else matters

Why is it that we will proactively do more than necessary to please those we hardly know and procrastinate at pleasing those closest to us, when this action will mean so much more to the latter?

Does money come hand in hand with neglect?

Yes, the intentions of making more money is one that is full of love and visions of a wonderful future, but when the act itself is taking much more effort than you put into the person you dream these visions for, does it still holds the same value?

~ we put on our best behaviour in front of acquiantances and show the worst to the ones we love and who loves us. ~

money money money

Today's word of the day is 'Materialism'.

I was brought up to value the true value of something rather than its material value. And i can't say that i am totally a saint right now but material wealth somehow or another still gets to me. Blame it on the media, or MTV, or the society.

The latest gadgets, the latest trends, the latest brands... what does it mean anyway? Self worth? I really don't know. Psychologists would agree that people addicted to material wealth are actually buying their own self worthiness. Is that true? I believe that to a certain extend because there are some people like that and then there are some who just simply have the money to spend on such things and like them, genuinely.

In today's society, the wealthy are the respected ones. Does that mean that the poor are not eligible of being respected? That could be one of the reason that type 1 people chase material wealth to gain the respect they long. The kid with the latest PSP, gameboy or whatever in school stands to have more kids wanting to be their friends. Materialism on everybody's part?

But lucky my parents brought us up well.. we always weighed practicality more favorably. That taught us to be more price cautious of things. But the most important question my parents have always asked us to ask ourselves when we are oogling at something with that strong urge to buy, "Do we really need it?". But now, i've added another important question on the list, "Will we use it?" That's all that matters really. Cost cautious questions i wish my kids in the future will learn how to ask themselves.

Materialism. Just turn on MTV's Sweet Sixteen and you'll know what i'm talking about. ;p

~*~*~*~

Simon taught me this ouija string thingy that allows you to find out how many kids will you have in the future and if it will be a boy or a girl. I've tried with my father's name and simon's parent's names and so far it all tallies! So, i tried mine....... and mine tallied with simons.

Have i already found my match at this age?? haha

I should consider myself lucky shouldn't i.

And so it is..

Four months of waking up at the same time every single day, four months of wearing nothing but office wear, four months of covering my legs up in black stockings, four months of eating and sitting, four months of facing the tiger lady, four months of learnings..

It's all over now. Four months flew by just like that, after all the times of complaining and whining about not wanting to go to work, i'm missing it already. The people, the environment, the food! ;p, and my boss.

It is indeed a blessing in disguise for not being accepted in Petronas and then needling my way into where i was. If not, i would not have had the chance to work with one of Malaysia's PR queen, and the nicest people you could ever hope for as colleagues.

Maybe i was only a temp, but they treated me like an equal and never hesitated to lend a helping hand wherever and whenever possible. And for that, i am very thankful.

Going through my internship prepared me mentally and socially for what is in store when i start work in another year or so. It allowed me to wallow in the stress that comes with working and then rejoice in the fact that it is not permanent. I am still able to get out of it and continue with the carefree life of a student. Made me appreciate my student life. My last one at that.

Well, better not get emo over the end. What la me, emo when working, emo when not working. Nothing better to do meh..

Actually, i just want to say a huge ass thanks to everyone there who helped and guided me along the way. You made this learning process such an enjoyable experience. And i stand by it, a nicer bunch of people would be harder to find. :) Thanks.


Thank you.

still high on adrenaline

Today, I have worked a total of fifteen hours, non-stop. And yet, i am still high on adrenaline from the Lemon Garden Cafe launch this evening.

I now know and am sure of what i want to be doing for a career. I have found my calling! PR is definitely my forte, tonight gave me a great platform to experience first hand, the main perks of being a PR. I get to meet loads of people from all walks of life, different journalists with lots of interesting stories to tell and the who's who of the socialites scene. hehe.. in other words, a kaypoh's job la. So girls, guest list to zouk! That is if that guy really is one of the consultants for zouk as he said he was for Voyeur Bangsar. Remember voyeur? :p

Anyway, back to what i feel is my forte, from planning a project/event right down to the invitation lists, this few months of my training have further convinced me that this i what i want to do.

I was still on the fence as to which industry i would like to venture to, events, publications, advertising or PR, all with different job scopes and interesting perks. But right now, i am sure. Not as sure as i want to be a taitai but still sure enough. hehe. Tai tai also gotta work to keep her dough what, cannot always depend on rich man to feed her. I must still be able to feed my rich man in return. Equality. ;)

Alright, i better not talk to much good things about my job lest i jinx it. It has this tendency to happen. Whenever i start to feel good about something, one thing or another will happen to screw up the good thing. That goes to prove that nothing stays good forever..

Initially, i wanted to write about the masacre that happened in the states, and what my views are, not on the victims all per se, but on the killer. However, i was too excited about what i felt tonight that that took a backsit to this post. Nvm, i'll leave that for my next post. heh.

hmm.. this post have been lacking in interesting and pretty pictures lately, it's all words words words.. that proves how my social life have dwindled down ever since i started my internship.
no pictures = no go out and play = :( but = more $$$$$ = :)

hehe. money face.

call me miss moody

I know, this has become a drag... I'm sorry, but i gotta have a place to let it out don't i? ;)

I promise i'll try to make this the last one. Until next month that is.. heheh

******

For one, a ripple moves the entire ocean. And i really do not blame that, not entirely. Because it is not up to me to make any judgements, where i myself am guilty as well for being imperfect and jugdemental. Even this post itself is going to sound judgemental, and it is.

Playing the diplomatic role can be tiring. At the end of the day, who do we see at the finish line cheering you on? After 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years even.. who will have the patience and loyalty to wait at the finish line for you?

Loyalty, this is a heavy word. We can be close, but are we loyal? Loyal in the sense that we would fight for each other eventhough we would place ourselves in a disadvantage position. Loyal in the sense that we would defend each other from harm although if we don't, we are to gain. Loyal.. How many do you know that would do that for you?

We talk about others being there for us, but how often are we there for others? I know i am guilty for not being there for alot of people when they needed me. And i'm truly apologetic for my behaviour. But this is not to say that i am always in space, out of sight, out of the radar.. I am always there. Just, not physically...

Mentally, i am always there. With all whom needs me. However right now, i'm starting to think that maybe i have to protect myself further from thorns that will hurt me in the long run. Protect myself from those who only take and not give.

I am sad. I am drowning in my own thoughts. But i am not depressed. It's because apart from these troubles, i know that i still have people that i can count on. As they can count on me. Those who won't judge me as much as the rest. And those who are a little more loyal. I have also my dreams and future that keeps me sane. My future of a wonderful life, surrounded by people who love and care for me. Now tell me, isn't that everyone's dream? :)

For these past week, i've been doing alot of thinking, (which probably explains all my blog posts, which is probably detrimental to my health, but who's keeping track rite?) and i've come to the mental agreement that there are some that must be kept, and than there are some that no matter how hard i may try to hold on to, in the end, it will slip away from me. Like it always does.

*******

I hardly take a deep breath and breathe in the beauty around me anymore, like how i used to. I would watch out for the colours of the sky, the different shades of green as reflected by the trees, the rich colours of the flowers etc.

My thirst for life have momentarily been sucked out from me. I may have met the dementors and been given the kiss of death. Haha.. which reminds me, Harry Potter book is coming out soon!

Talking about books, my nose is currently buried in Wally Lamb's 'I Know This Much Is True'. It's about a set of twin brothers, where one is mentally ill (siao) and the other is normal, and the normal bro is set to find out why the siao one is siao, while he is ok as they are both identical twins so in a way, they are each other. So he sets out to find out how to cure and save him while stumbling upon his family history that may be the answers to his questions.

This book is very mind stimulating. It really makes you examine your own personal feelings towards your family members and even to the people around you. It's so thought provoking that i am now thinking nonsense all day. Hahaha.. No, i'm just kidding. Wally Lamb has a way of weaving his words with your thought and emotions, that you feel what the character feels, and you think what he is thinking without writing it out for you.

Now that's a good writer there.

Aiyo, i just realise how long this post has become.. I will leave you with a saying from the book that popped out and knocked my senses into place.

"With destruction, comes renovation"

Byebye!