don't be a selfish ass...

...for lack of a better title

so. as the new deployment gets closer alot of negativity comes out from people who i'd like to consider as members of my support group. they don't mean it as such. but it's there and it's a pain in the ass to deal with. and it's not just me, we're all going through it. one of my kids is in big trouble because he just stopped showing up for training. his family was guilting him like crazy. saying that his grandmother (who raised him) was on her deathbead and his deployment would push her over the edge, and then preventing him from seeing her. his girlfriend is threatening to break up with him or cheat on him if he leaves because she "loves him so much and doesn't know how to cope without him". when he finally got a chance to see his grandmother in person she was fairly supportive. not happy, but supportive.

with me it's alot of "why do you have to go again?", "so are you surprised that your boss is being an ass to you when you're leaving all the time?", "do you realize that you're shirking responsibilities?", "do you enjoy stressing your mother out this much?", "your civilian job is just as meaningful as your army job" and what tons of others.

i'm a good soldier. someone was trying to make fun of me the other day at training, saying that i'd make a great mom because i worry about all the little details. i considered it a compliment. as an nco, that's my job. i'm supposed to take care of my soldiers, everything from making sure that they're bathing regularly and practicing good personal hygiene to worrying about their technical and tactical abilities. there are some guys who are better at different aspects of soldiering than me, but i'm a pretty damned good total package.

soldiering might just be what i do best. there's probably other things that i'm good at but nothing that i do as well overall. and there isn't much that gives me that kind of feeling of satisfaction. of course with the good comes lots of bad. and the potential for alot more. if something bad happens to one of these young guys that i'm responsible for...

if i had the temperament to be a teacher or the brains and discipline to be a doctor those are careers i'd shoot for. i spent alot of time agonizing over the decision of whether or not to enter the seminary a decade ago. toured several, spent tons of times in retreats praying for guidance. i've done research about careers in law enforcement and even applied to a place or two. but at the end of the day soldiering is my niche. of course, because life is never easy it comes with alot of bureaucracy that i can't handle full time, so i have to do it as a reservist and take a little break from it from time to time, but it's not just a job. it's a lifestyle choice. it's part of me. part of the definition of me. not the entirety, but definately an important piece.

so it irks me that people ask me to deny that. that they don't get that and think it's something to just turn off. maybe i could flip that switch in time of peace, but now? send kids out the door and not be willing to go myself? granted, i'm getting tired. and this trip is going to be my last for awhile, but i'll still be training and poking and prodding... and it really irks me when people try to compare my civilian job to that. my civilian job is all about making sure that people use technology to streamline their processes. thus helping the company to save money. thus making the owner of the company richer. that's it. it's about making money. manufacturing a product that if we didn't make, someone else would. and not even making a helluva lot of money for myself. and everytime i've left before? it's survived without me.

then there's the whole "legal obligation". "why can't you just stop doing that stuff? tell them it's interfering with work?" because i'm legally obligated. sure, i volunteered to be legally obligated, but i'm legally obligated all the same. a piece of paper shows up on my desk ordering me to report for duty means i have to report for duty. if i don't show up action can be taken against me. and were i not legally obligated, i'd still be morally obligated. i took an oath. and i've gotten some good stuff out of the army. and the army had upheld it's end of the bargin. my last bonus which helped me buy my house and get out from under bad debt, training, my college degree, life experiences, great friendships, self-confidence and so much more. my turn to uphold my end.

this video is another of those "sad songs" we were talking about a couple posts ago. i enjoy big and rich, mostly for their more upbeat songs that i like roadtripping to. but this is a great song, and a great video. and it's what it's all about. the guys to your left and your right. the same guys who i just got back from iraq with are turning around and going on this new trip. with a couple additions. that alone is a good enough reason for me. would you let your son or brother or father or spouse go alone if you had an opportunity to go with them? think our relationships are any less strong?

i know all these people mean well. and i appreciate the sentiment. but in reality they're just making it so much harder. and i'm sure i'll have negativity myself about the trip. and i'll vent it. the "deployment" as a whole encompasses a helluva of time, people and experiences. and some of them are going to be bad. and as much as i want to go, there are parts of me that don't. i'm human. which makes me complicated.