Feeling Restricted

 I am having a day.  No one likes to hear a complainy-pants, so I'm writing it all out here.  I'm sick of the Covid Restrictions.  I understand that they are in place for a reason, but who would have thought that visiting with friends and family would be illegal.  It feels a bit like Nazi Germany.  Maybe that is going to far, but I certainly don't feel free.  A week before December, the boys were sent home to do online school while the girls (because they are in elementary school) stayed in school.  They were asked to do this until the second week of Jan.  Mind you, there was a Christmas break in there, but let's talk about what a "break" means.  We were not allowed to visit people's homes.  Not anyone's.  No seeing friends, not even outside gatherings.  No meeting to go skating, or at the sledding hill or park.  No.  This is when I thanked Joe for purchasing that family ski pass at 3 in the morning when he couldn't sleep.  I was so mad at him for doing that and not having a conversation about it.  But, it honestly helped keep our family excited about something.  We have gone skiing quite a bit this winter and it was kept us alive.  A few weeks ago, more restrictions eased up a bit.  You can now meet friends outside, still no going to anyone's homes though.  And sports for kids has opened up as long as there are no more than ten people in a room and they stay 10 feet apart.  Not sure how that's going to work.  I suppose there won't be any scrimmaging if you can't get close, just a lot of drills?  Def no games.  I got really excited because all three of the girls have been in dance over the Fall.  They started in-person and then very quickly had to be done over zoom, which was a gong show really.  But they are back to in-person.  They are taking contemporary dance, which is something I have always wanted to learn but adult classes for beginners are non-existent so I asked their teacher if she would consider doing an adult class and she told me if there were enough people interested, she would open up a class.  So I spent all night last night sending out texts and messages to friends with all of these details only to find this morning that it can't happen because the ease of restrictions are only for children, not adults.  So.  There went a bit of my spirit today.  There is still no theatre or music.  No singing.  I keep getting memories on Facebook that come up from last year and they are all Feather Pen Fairytales.  Oh I am so happy I got to do that last year.  But has it already been a year?  And how are we not further along?  How is it that we are still expected to wear masks at school, grocery stores, and well, every single public place.  If you don't want to wear a mask, then don't leave your home.  I think if I didn't have a dog to walk or children to feed I would have no reason to leave my home.  It is depressing.  Every day seems to be a fight to stay positive so I don't go down this deep well of depression.  Today is not a great day for that because, well?  I'm dwelling.  I have been trying to be really good at seeing the positive, and there's lots to be grateful for but today, I'm just fed up.  I'm sad.  I've had it.  I see my kids struggling which is the worst part.  I think Noah and Jackson are feeling it the most.  They are definitely being robbed of their Junior High experience.  Junior High is already hard to begins with, just throw in a global pandemic!  Wee!

I think the other thing that is on my mind a little today is that I had a dream.  I don't usually remember dreams, at least not lately.  I had a baby boy.  He was beautiful.  I was happy about it.  I wanted him.  About eight years ago I had a spiritual experience where I just knew for sure I would have six children.  That would be my special number!  But as time has gone on, I have questioned that experience quite a bit.  My sanity is depleted.  Zilch.  Zero.  And as the day went on, it was brought to my remembrance as my kids were being the opposite of angels (expect for Jackson who doesn't know how to be the opposite of an angel).  It was the nail in the coffin that, nope, that dream meant nothing.  My kids need me and I can barely give them anything.  If I had one more baby?  I just don't know how I could offer them anything.  I miscarried between Zoe and Jane.  I have been counting that miscarriage as a number.  That's my 5 to my 6 babies.  I will raise that child after this life.  But for some reason when I woke up this morning, I was shaken.  I just swapped my IUD for a new one.  It's another five years of not getting pregnant.  And for a short moment I thought to myself, what would our family look like with that beautiful baby boy as the period to our family?  Certainly not making any decisions on this while I'm in a depressed state of Covid Exhaustion (yes, that is a term people are using).  Maybe I will just always wonder what life would be like with one more.  I think the answer to that would be, HARD!  It would be hard Maren!  I am turning 40 this year.  My body is DONE!  So the Mom guilt can just GO!  But will it?