1am. She had her thumb out, and I nothing to lose, so I drove around the block and pulled over beside her.
"Are you looking for a taxi?" I asked.
"Will you give us a ride?" she asked back.
"Sure." She got as far as opening the door before her friend caught on and stopped her with the sort of tone a two year old is used to hearing.
"No. That's a stranger! Stranger!"
"He said he'd give us a ride."
"Stranger." A firm repetition of the scolding.
Her friend peered into the car. "Sorry. You seem very nice." She turned back to her friend.
"We don't take rides from strangers. C'mon."
It was good to see the buddy system in action.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tick, Tock
It was a week with my dating profiles hidden, a week with only work (and some of that was paid work, at least!) and soccer.
The boys were gone to their mother's most of Monday, all of Tuesday, and most of Wednesday. That's practically forever in comparison to the normal state of affairs.
I still don't feel like there is anyone on the dating sites that I want to meet, but I know that someone must be out there. I battle the feeling of futility, but do not win enough to actually move forward.
Tonight I will make supper, and go play soccer. Tomorrow I will work, and perhaps accept the offer of a movie date from the Undutchable one, depending upon whether or not the fact I'm just not into her outweighs the fact that Friday nights alone are almost always a low point for me.
And then... it's the weekend.
The boys were gone to their mother's most of Monday, all of Tuesday, and most of Wednesday. That's practically forever in comparison to the normal state of affairs.
I still don't feel like there is anyone on the dating sites that I want to meet, but I know that someone must be out there. I battle the feeling of futility, but do not win enough to actually move forward.
Tonight I will make supper, and go play soccer. Tomorrow I will work, and perhaps accept the offer of a movie date from the Undutchable one, depending upon whether or not the fact I'm just not into her outweighs the fact that Friday nights alone are almost always a low point for me.
And then... it's the weekend.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Flat Earth
It is occasionally pointed out that a personal blog reveals only a small portion of an individual - there is much more to someone than what they choose to write about.
It occurs to me that one only reveals a small portion of oneself to oneself. You can't keep the totality of who you are and what you have done in your head any more than you can write it all down.
It occurs to me that one only reveals a small portion of oneself to oneself. You can't keep the totality of who you are and what you have done in your head any more than you can write it all down.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Impressions
The soccer "girl" is two years younger than me.
Her ex seemed surprised that I was in the same soccer league as he was, as indicated by the incredulous tone he used when asking me the question "You're over 40?"
Her ex seemed surprised that I was in the same soccer league as he was, as indicated by the incredulous tone he used when asking me the question "You're over 40?"
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Impossibilities
It was very distracting.
The soccer girl dropped off her son for practice, and chatted with me for a bit before I set up the net and started getting the boys organized. Afterwards she kicked a ball around with her younger son, which was somewhat distracting due to her pink skirt, sunglasses, and long black hair.
I keep reminding myself that she's not looking to date anyone, that it would be dangerously too soon if she were, that her ex is in the process of trying to buddy up to me, and that she's too intense, smart and rich for me anyway. (Yes, for some reason I'm encouraging myself to lower my self-esteem.)
But it was very distracting.
Conversely I worry that I probably played it too cool, if I were to let myself to imagine the impossible.
And I wish I could call her again.
The soccer girl dropped off her son for practice, and chatted with me for a bit before I set up the net and started getting the boys organized. Afterwards she kicked a ball around with her younger son, which was somewhat distracting due to her pink skirt, sunglasses, and long black hair.
I keep reminding myself that she's not looking to date anyone, that it would be dangerously too soon if she were, that her ex is in the process of trying to buddy up to me, and that she's too intense, smart and rich for me anyway. (Yes, for some reason I'm encouraging myself to lower my self-esteem.)
But it was very distracting.
Conversely I worry that I probably played it too cool, if I were to let myself to imagine the impossible.
And I wish I could call her again.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Life Summary
So let's cover off some odds and ends.
I don't think I'm as shockingly blunt here as I have been during some periods in the past.
So.
Personal
I don't masturbate enough, according to studies that show that cancer is the least prevalent among men who do so once a day.
Recent Dating - The Doctor
I was pleased that the doc aroused me sexually, that she was fit, clean, and that giving her oral sex was not at all objectionable. I was disturbed the day before, however, that while we adults were participating in heavy petting at her behest, her five year old daughter was asleep two feet away from us in the same king-size bed.
To me, the relationship ended while I was still curious to find out more about the doc, even though I never became smitten with her. There were some fascinating dichotomies in her sexuality and romantic needs.
From the first date on, we would hold hands with her occasionally gently stroking the palm of my hand with her index finger. We would sit on park benches, with her reclined across me, my arms wrapped around her. I would freely swat the mosquitoes anywhere they landed upon her. I enjoyed massaging her, from her shoulders down to her calves, something I missed doing as a man outside of a relationship. She commented upon the fabric of her favorite jacket, and the shirt I wore. I commented upon her remarkably strong tactile leanings. Simply put, we would always be touching each other as much as the situation would allow.
At the same time, she confessed to being a virgin until she was 23, to having few sexual partners, and to being reticent to have sex anytime soon. She also confessed to prefering being dominated in bed, something I know to be commonplace, and was quite prepared to gently assist with. She said more than once that she was "not a prude, but"... which I suppose meant that there was a boundary within her that she realized I might find prudish, especially after my insistence upon sharing some of the wildest moments of my sexual history. Which aren't terribly wild, of course.
I feel guilty, with the impression I have that I removed her budding feelings for me by being naked around her before she felt comfortable. There was never intercourse, only near intercourse, followed by unspecified activities leading to her orgasm. I pushed a sexual component before she was fully ready, under the pretense of fulfilling her desire for mild domination, but really it was an uncharacteristic lack of empathy on my part. I didn't feel for her what I thought I should feel, so I unconsciously tried to create a faux sense of intimacy with sexual conversations and activities.
I was happy enough with the companionship, happy enough with the experiences, but today feel unhappy about the outcome, and the appearance it gives me.
Recent Dating - The Undutchable
This week I went on two dates with a woman with a background in social issues. We shared a lot of views, especially on the under-recognized value of non-traditional solutions to the ills in society. She outlined the contents of Naomi Klein's "Shock Doctrine", which I had bought, but never read, knowing that it would only serve to bring me a better understanding of the ugly side of the world that I can do nothing about. We had good meals, and long conversations.
I never felt any chemistry, however. Despite my claim that long dark hair infallibly attracts me to a woman, that was not the case here. There was never a moment when she wasn't smiling and laughing, even when my statements were clearly on the other side of the border from amusing, which one would think would be a charming attribute, but it annoyed me. I nonetheless appreciated the fact that by the end of the second date I had found a willingness within myself to try out even the stupidest of jokes, knowing that I would get a reassuringly positive response. In other words, I liked that her laughter encouraged me to try to be funny.
She sent me a lovely note, saying that she is interested. I haven't replied, as I struggle to find the politest way to say that although she's great, I'm not seeing anything in our future more than friendship.
Bodily Injury
Over the past couple of weeks, I have pounded my bare foot into unforgiving metal, and I have landed on the one weak spot in my left knee leftover from the knee surgery. I have aggravated both by insisting on staying active, although it becomes clearer and clearer that it isn't a good idea. Today I play two games of soccer, or so I hope.
Back to Love
On paper, I am dating really ideal women. In my heart, there hasn't been a connection.
One woman has excited me, but she's not available, and even if she were, I fear that a relationship with her would simply prove to be another case of the impetuous heart blindfolding the rational brain.
I am trying to force myself to believe that I can have it both ways - chemistry with a partner whose strengths and weaknesses complement my own.
The struggle continues, without a change visible on the horizon.
I don't think I'm as shockingly blunt here as I have been during some periods in the past.
So.
Personal
I don't masturbate enough, according to studies that show that cancer is the least prevalent among men who do so once a day.
Recent Dating - The Doctor
I was pleased that the doc aroused me sexually, that she was fit, clean, and that giving her oral sex was not at all objectionable. I was disturbed the day before, however, that while we adults were participating in heavy petting at her behest, her five year old daughter was asleep two feet away from us in the same king-size bed.
To me, the relationship ended while I was still curious to find out more about the doc, even though I never became smitten with her. There were some fascinating dichotomies in her sexuality and romantic needs.
From the first date on, we would hold hands with her occasionally gently stroking the palm of my hand with her index finger. We would sit on park benches, with her reclined across me, my arms wrapped around her. I would freely swat the mosquitoes anywhere they landed upon her. I enjoyed massaging her, from her shoulders down to her calves, something I missed doing as a man outside of a relationship. She commented upon the fabric of her favorite jacket, and the shirt I wore. I commented upon her remarkably strong tactile leanings. Simply put, we would always be touching each other as much as the situation would allow.
At the same time, she confessed to being a virgin until she was 23, to having few sexual partners, and to being reticent to have sex anytime soon. She also confessed to prefering being dominated in bed, something I know to be commonplace, and was quite prepared to gently assist with. She said more than once that she was "not a prude, but"... which I suppose meant that there was a boundary within her that she realized I might find prudish, especially after my insistence upon sharing some of the wildest moments of my sexual history. Which aren't terribly wild, of course.
I feel guilty, with the impression I have that I removed her budding feelings for me by being naked around her before she felt comfortable. There was never intercourse, only near intercourse, followed by unspecified activities leading to her orgasm. I pushed a sexual component before she was fully ready, under the pretense of fulfilling her desire for mild domination, but really it was an uncharacteristic lack of empathy on my part. I didn't feel for her what I thought I should feel, so I unconsciously tried to create a faux sense of intimacy with sexual conversations and activities.
I was happy enough with the companionship, happy enough with the experiences, but today feel unhappy about the outcome, and the appearance it gives me.
Recent Dating - The Undutchable
This week I went on two dates with a woman with a background in social issues. We shared a lot of views, especially on the under-recognized value of non-traditional solutions to the ills in society. She outlined the contents of Naomi Klein's "Shock Doctrine", which I had bought, but never read, knowing that it would only serve to bring me a better understanding of the ugly side of the world that I can do nothing about. We had good meals, and long conversations.
I never felt any chemistry, however. Despite my claim that long dark hair infallibly attracts me to a woman, that was not the case here. There was never a moment when she wasn't smiling and laughing, even when my statements were clearly on the other side of the border from amusing, which one would think would be a charming attribute, but it annoyed me. I nonetheless appreciated the fact that by the end of the second date I had found a willingness within myself to try out even the stupidest of jokes, knowing that I would get a reassuringly positive response. In other words, I liked that her laughter encouraged me to try to be funny.
She sent me a lovely note, saying that she is interested. I haven't replied, as I struggle to find the politest way to say that although she's great, I'm not seeing anything in our future more than friendship.
Bodily Injury
Over the past couple of weeks, I have pounded my bare foot into unforgiving metal, and I have landed on the one weak spot in my left knee leftover from the knee surgery. I have aggravated both by insisting on staying active, although it becomes clearer and clearer that it isn't a good idea. Today I play two games of soccer, or so I hope.
Back to Love
On paper, I am dating really ideal women. In my heart, there hasn't been a connection.
One woman has excited me, but she's not available, and even if she were, I fear that a relationship with her would simply prove to be another case of the impetuous heart blindfolding the rational brain.
I am trying to force myself to believe that I can have it both ways - chemistry with a partner whose strengths and weaknesses complement my own.
The struggle continues, without a change visible on the horizon.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Reach Out
Today I called someone out of the blue, someone I was interested in.
I knew she was separated, and our paths cross from time to time thanks to soccer. She came up in conversation when I met the doc's friends last weekend. I thought at the time, "I hope that the budding/dying relationship I'm in now doesn't mess up my chances to have a relationship with her".
I was preparing this afternoon for a second date, with a perfectly fine girl that I don't feel chemistry with. I called to make the final arrangements for that date, and as I got off the phone, I reminded myself of my rule involving boldness. I should call soccer girl. I should find out if there's any point even thinking about the possibility.
So I did.
Soccer girl is recently separated, and isn't seeing anybody. She's not in a state to see anybody, she says, although she thanks me for being interested.
Sigh. But at least I know.
I knew she was separated, and our paths cross from time to time thanks to soccer. She came up in conversation when I met the doc's friends last weekend. I thought at the time, "I hope that the budding/dying relationship I'm in now doesn't mess up my chances to have a relationship with her".
I was preparing this afternoon for a second date, with a perfectly fine girl that I don't feel chemistry with. I called to make the final arrangements for that date, and as I got off the phone, I reminded myself of my rule involving boldness. I should call soccer girl. I should find out if there's any point even thinking about the possibility.
So I did.
Soccer girl is recently separated, and isn't seeing anybody. She's not in a state to see anybody, she says, although she thanks me for being interested.
Sigh. But at least I know.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Passages
You and I have changed in each other's absence, and neither of us knows by how much, or in what way.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Filtered Input
I forgot to not watch the news.
It's on the background, alternating between the measured, almost musical, reporters' statements that pointed tell you what you NEED to know, and the tragedy or horrors that have happened to someone somewhere, reminding us of the dangers and the ugliness that lurk around every corner.
It's on the background, alternating between the measured, almost musical, reporters' statements that pointed tell you what you NEED to know, and the tragedy or horrors that have happened to someone somewhere, reminding us of the dangers and the ugliness that lurk around every corner.
Social Work
The lunch date today, with someone new, extended to two hours without either of us noticing.
Beforehand I had stopped for a haircut, which similarly included a positive conversational component. We talked of travel and culture mainly, but since the first question was "do you have anything fun planned for today?", it was all prefaced with a mention from me that a date was coming up.
As I was paying for the haircut, she asked, "Are you excited about the date?".
I paused, "Mmm... no...".
"Are you nervous then?"
"No... I've been dating off and on for six years now." It suddenly felt awkward, and I darted out... It was odd, of course... why would I be going on a date, and be neither nervous nor excited? I was not in the best place, and I blamed it on being somewhat tired. I tried to overcome it, and build some level of excitement for the date, but I never quite reached where I wanted to be.
I sometimes wonder if the Rx is to blame for a period of steady-state emotions some days.
Anyway...
The date was fine, other than my shortage of the desired emotions. Afterward, I thought that a second would be in order... sometime when I was better prepared to be there.
Beforehand I had stopped for a haircut, which similarly included a positive conversational component. We talked of travel and culture mainly, but since the first question was "do you have anything fun planned for today?", it was all prefaced with a mention from me that a date was coming up.
As I was paying for the haircut, she asked, "Are you excited about the date?".
I paused, "Mmm... no...".
"Are you nervous then?"
"No... I've been dating off and on for six years now." It suddenly felt awkward, and I darted out... It was odd, of course... why would I be going on a date, and be neither nervous nor excited? I was not in the best place, and I blamed it on being somewhat tired. I tried to overcome it, and build some level of excitement for the date, but I never quite reached where I wanted to be.
I sometimes wonder if the Rx is to blame for a period of steady-state emotions some days.
Anyway...
The date was fine, other than my shortage of the desired emotions. Afterward, I thought that a second would be in order... sometime when I was better prepared to be there.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Whirlwind and backward glances
It's been a week of daily dates with the doc, except for today, and I feel that the week isn't the only thing coming to a close. She seemed quite enamored of me, but I'm still on the fence, which is obviously not the place I should be. Her enamored stage has hit it's end as well, if I read things correctly.
I've been going through old photos the last couple of days as well.
The dark-haired girl has such a great smile. I wish things had turned out differently, but it's easy to remind myself how miserable I was for the last part of that relationship. Still wish, though...
So... a week of dating. That's not bad. I don't feel really positive, but I probably should work on that.
I've been going through old photos the last couple of days as well.
The dark-haired girl has such a great smile. I wish things had turned out differently, but it's easy to remind myself how miserable I was for the last part of that relationship. Still wish, though...
So... a week of dating. That's not bad. I don't feel really positive, but I probably should work on that.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Flitting
My flowers today reminded me of fireworks... they bloom, they are beautiful, and they are gone so quickly.
The fact that I can actually touch my toes without cheating, for the first time in my life, has made me happy more than once over the past few days.
I really should be doing more studying in preparation for the job interview, but I feel that my chances are slim if the criteria is knowledge in an area I haven't worked in before. For me to get this job, they must be looking for someone smart, adaptable, and sociable rather than someone with a pre-existing skill set.
I still hope that my sons will see the fun in doing productive things rather than video games.
The fact that I can actually touch my toes without cheating, for the first time in my life, has made me happy more than once over the past few days.
I really should be doing more studying in preparation for the job interview, but I feel that my chances are slim if the criteria is knowledge in an area I haven't worked in before. For me to get this job, they must be looking for someone smart, adaptable, and sociable rather than someone with a pre-existing skill set.
I still hope that my sons will see the fun in doing productive things rather than video games.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
M1
That was a nice first date indeed.
At the soccer game tonight, I told one of my players to just go ahead and shoot with his left foot when an opportunity appeared, rather than trying to shift over to shoot with his left. Better a bad shot with one's left than no shot at all.
On the way home, I decided I should apply that advice to dating.
Sure, I was tired, and ready for bed, but the opportunity for a date was there tonight.
So I took it, and I am happy that I did.
Don't wait for perfection.
At the soccer game tonight, I told one of my players to just go ahead and shoot with his left foot when an opportunity appeared, rather than trying to shift over to shoot with his left. Better a bad shot with one's left than no shot at all.
On the way home, I decided I should apply that advice to dating.
Sure, I was tired, and ready for bed, but the opportunity for a date was there tonight.
So I took it, and I am happy that I did.
Don't wait for perfection.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Not Even Close
I imagine one can go a very long time without sex. Or a date apparently.
Oh well, whatever.
Oh well, whatever.
Predicate
"Women are more empathic with other people than men are... [thus it is no surprise that] for both men and women...the most reliable indicator of loneliness is the amount of contact with women, not men."
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tires
Spent the afternoon waiting for new tires to be installed on my car.
Got a call from my eldest tonight, needed to go out east of the city to help him with a flat tire on his car.
There's more to the story, involving teenagers and divorced parents with new partners, and four cars pulled over by the side of the road, but I will leave it at that for now.
Got a call from my eldest tonight, needed to go out east of the city to help him with a flat tire on his car.
There's more to the story, involving teenagers and divorced parents with new partners, and four cars pulled over by the side of the road, but I will leave it at that for now.
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