The start of a brand new relationship

Slowly does it...

The ordinary pc we use for e mail and the one I use for blogging has had a major blip, internet access has died, giving us an unrecognisable front page getting nowhere, so we've been getting more familiar with this imac.... it's sleek and smooth and feels very ....new and tentative.

We discovered the camera, well Sam and I did - she's losing her voice but keeps on trying it out as it sounds different.
She wrote an amazing poem today. I'd love to share them, but I don't feel I can put them up here, they aren't mine to share. Instead we are keeping them safe, trying to not lose her random thoughts.
This page looks different, I imagine it'll just take a while to get used to - I'm missing icons for links and font choices....
Will ponder that tomorrow after some rest. If anyone has any helpful ideas on how colour, size and links can be accessed on a mac please let me know :) Cheers, x

Edit : Thanks Jayne all back to normal, toys back in place :)

Hormones....

Premenstrual, emotional, clumsy, not the most promising of days, yet resurrected after messing up at lunchtime by the kindness of friends.

I imagine god chuckling as he added hormones to the human mix, that certain x factor of unpredictability and irrationality...

The process of discovery

Thoughts from today - Firstly thanks to Jayne for her recommendation of seasonal music from Jewel, which has filled our house while we decorate, and thanks to Caroline for the most compelling and interesting Esopus magazine - a present that I couldn't help but dip into whilst trying not to earmark the corners.
Esopus is an insight into artists (of all kinds) thinking, processes and work.

As someone who fell on the science side of the line at school I'm enjoying my ventures into artists worlds, much as I am enjoying the discovery of authors I hadn't come across until I started blogging - Donald Miller, Ann Lamott, Mike Yaconelli, Douglas Coupland, Frederick Beuchener and Philip Yancey. Perhaps art, faith and religion can be accessible, readable and digestible to everyday folk when presented in the right way...

A totally unrelated issue has surfaced lately since a homework was set on crude oil.
After an extremely quick search for information, the fact that "At current consumption levels, world oil supply would be gone in about 33 years" leapt out at me..... one scary thought - I knew reserves were low, but hadn't realised quite how low - in 33 years my children will be slightly older than I am now, and what then - we have to be accountable and responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to the planet.

Perhaps it's not a thought I'd have felt so strongly about had I not got children - seeing as one person I shared this with brushed it aside with an "I won't be here so it won't affect me."

I'm all for living for today - I've seen and felt far too much death not to, but tomorrow has to be planned for too

Its almost unremarkable...

Sometimes it seems that the highs and lows just even out with neither excessive jubilation nor devastation, and life trundles along fairly evenly, even if it does increase in speed at times. At times when we're keeping up there might be nothing out of the ordinary or of special note to comment on.
I can hear little R laughing, hear him and S chatting, all the food is ready and prepared for tonight when the house will be full with friends and their children, yesterday a lady who recognised me from dancing and my previous work in schools smiled and we spent time chatting, Nibbles the school hamster is visiting again, this time with a new house and extra baggage, including a cool seesaw.... all the sequins are stuck on the tutu, the christmas tree is ready to put up, we're all healthy....for the moment anyway. We have more to fit in than hours to accommodate it all and yet we're running and keeping up.
These small details are the highlights that give purpose and sparkle to an otherwise unremarkable time, the things that rock my world for the moment....
Sometimes there is very little to say.

3.10 pm Saturday

Its just gone kickoff, Liverpool v Man City and my two boys are there watching.
They have great seats in the Kop stand, right near the front on the corner where Gerrard takes his corners apparently

I wanted to record the match but it's ony viewable via sky in Ireland :-(

They were so excited, flew out last night and there have been texts coming regularly since. I spoke to them from inside Anfield and little R sounded quieter than I'd imagined he would, quite obviously overwhelmed at the whole experience.

R says it is amazing, it's changed from when he was last there, and they are having a fantastic time. I wish I could be there, but its a Father and Son experience I know they will treasure.

We're having a girlie weekend, all calm and quiet without the boys, strangely organised and unhassled, late getting out of bed, time sitting reading, pain au chocolat and coffee, bubble baths and off out shopping....

Liverpool won 1-0, Gerrard scored just in front of them, they are back at the hotel now and it's starting to sink in - I said to little R he could dream about it all tonight and he said "it is a dream, thank you..." Moments that last forever in our memories, I'm so delighted for him and can't wait to see them both tomorrow

People who leave footprints...

Not sure why, but this guy is in my thoughts today..

I was 20, living in Clapham, working as a nurse, travelling on the Northern line tube into work sometimes very early, and often returning late at night. It was on this commute that I met him. I'm fairly sure his name was John. I knew him for the best part of five years, but you can know someone and not really have to use their name.

He'd always say hello and we'd talk, catching up on how life was treating us both. Over time we found out various parts of our history. He'd had a wealthy lifestyle somewhere in Ireland, but it had all gone wrong. He still had family over there, but wasn't in touch. He'd struggled with alcohol and drug addictions but was clear of them for most of the time I knew him. He sold the big issue and slept rough much of the time. He talked about his sadness, we shared lots. He was a friendly face, a warm heart. He was a point of safety too, looking out for me on the way home, especially at night. He was a friend.

When I met Rob, he became Rob's friend too. Rob would wait for me so he could walk me home after a late shift, and I'd find them chatting.

Then we moved up to Birmingham.

Now I haven't got a clue where he is or what he's doing. I think of him fairly often, and if we're in London and pass through Clapham Common tube I always look out, half expecting to see him.

He was important in my life then.

There's nothing pressing I want to say to him now, I just can't help thinking.

Wondering and pondering

The week started here after a couple of days off, refreshed and with a few more jobs crossed off the to-do list. Still no need to wear socks or coats even. A good mornings work and a full hours workout at the gym, with plenty of time to reflect on anything and everything.

Today it was mainly about all those whose days are shaped by the results they receive within the hospital.

The good news and the bad news.

As I'm going about my normal day some people's lives are being changed radically and all those caught up in the ripples will feel it too. Sometimes that seems such a huge concept.

I'm always astounded at how much a simple "how are you feeling today?" can reveal.

So many people just want to talk, want to tell someone, even though that person might not be able to actually change the situation.

So, pondering, kind of praying, wondering if praying really works, but thinking anyway and pondering some more. Wondering if the gym is really the place to be pondering and wondering and kind of praying /thinking these things, but they're occupying my mind. Then it's off to school.

The day starts all over again when I pick up the children - full of their day, how exams have gone, all the details that make up and colour their time away from me.

In with this information was a snippet from R that didn't add up.

We were reminded yet again, that as so often happens, for some people it's not what you know, but who you know, and sadly how much money you have and how well thought of you are, what job you do, what you wear, what car you drive, and more than that, it's who and what your parents are.....

I know this happens, but I really, really, dislike it, and when things like that filter through and have an effect on my children, I get mad, and sad, and hurt. More so than if it only affected me.

I wonder at how hard it can be to bring a child up to believe in themselves when society can be so reluctant to see past the trappings of life to the value of the person underneath.

Fortunately he is fine with it, and seems to have far more of a balanced perspective than I had initially had as a protective mother.

The twig in silver

So, the twig is now cast and needs work to tidy it up in places.

It's far too heavy for any jewellery I can think of, so perhaps a smaller twig needs to be found for that purpose.

I do like the transformation though.

It's very tactile, and I love the shapes and images that were hidden in the wood and enhanced by the cuttlefish in the casting process.

Are there two people or three in there?

Exposed

I knew it was coming, and I knew it was coming soon. We'd got away with it as long as any parent can.

I've always been honest with the kids and whatever has cropped up we've talked about, to whatever degree seemed right at the time. Sex, drugs, relationships, religion - often those questions requiring most concentration being brought up at the most awkward times...... and it's always me who gets them.

However, this was one I was dreading, the untruth we've perpetuated, loved being a part of, had to be exposed.
Why yesterday I have no idea, why in the corner of a restaurant, but suddenly it was there in front of me.

So.... deep breath

K "is anyone in your class talking about Christmas yet?"

Little R " a few"

K " do you think many people believe in Father Christmas in your class?"

Little R " I don't think many people do"

K "do you?"

Little R "I believe whatever you tell me"

K ( oh dear what have we done - this is painful, he's so trusting and beautiful and innocent still)

* K finally tells the truth *

Little R smiles "oh! thats ok, I won't tell S though"

We talk about Lapland, the magic of it and the spirit of Christmas, and thats it....



The moment had come and gone

Breathing again...

Its crisp and cold here in the mornings, yet so clear it makes me want to breathe extra deeply.
When the sun comes out it is breathtaking.

The evenings feel similar. The other day the moon was hiding just behind a cloud, and Sam and I really did see the silver lining(s) in the cloud..... they do exist!

If we'd had a camera at that moment, I'd have taken a photo, but I can't help thinking some moments are far better experienced, absorbed, internalised and appreciated in their entirety, for what they are, instead of trying to capture them on film and missing the essence of it.
I have struggled with this too when I watch the children in various productions, though fortunately someone else is normally recording an event if it's important.

There's a momentum building again in R's art work, with some very varied possibilities and potential exhibitions ahead.
This brings with it a whole new energy and feel to the house, and has an effect on everyone. It's as if it breathes a new life into the place - works in progress and new ideas being formulated and discussed. Its also a reason to get out and experience anew, wonders of nature, that require nothing more than for us to just step outside.

We don't need a reason, but I know we do it more when we have one.
His work envelops us all. I've noticed there is a different kind of calmness when we have art permeating our lives, in whatever form.

For now I'm breathing deeply and enjoying the shift thats occurring.

Laughter is the best medicine?

Not sure how to post 'you tube' clips, but this made us laugh when Richard found it :-)

Sifting through the oddments

It's not that there hasn't been anything to write lately, it's just that life overtakes thoughts, or at least the coherent ones, and it's far easier to read others' than to organise my own.

Just before half term, my car had a close encounter with a wall, so it's in being mended and I'm now running around in a lovely manual car from the garage whose horn sounds just like Noddy's!

Once it's all sorted we will be looking for a new second hand car - I have no idea why I let myself be persuaded into buying an automatic car in the first place.

We're building up to my Mum going in for an operation on her foot later this month, which will render her non weight- bearing, on crutches for six weeks, all over Christmas, New Year, her birthday and my Dad's birthday.
Losing her independence like this, albeit for a restricted time, will be hard for her but will no doubt send ripples outwards and have an effect on those around her.
Navigating the whole independence/dependence mine field is tricky, whether it is from my relationship with my parents, my children, or my work colleagues. When the balance changes from the norm we are used to, it throws up new challenges for everyone involved.

Health issues have been uppermost too since one of my best friends has been concerned about her daughter, who is the same age as Sam, and they are now waiting for results of scans to see what it is, and how best to move forward. It's been a long wait, and if it's seemed long to me, it must have seemed like eternity for her.

Christmas is being pushed at me against my will, but then I have missed postage for Australia apparently ( note in diary for September next year!) I am finding myself getting extremely irritated that shops are playing Christmas carols when we haven't even got to advent, we're hardly into November and not even past bonfire night. Does it really encourage sales figures? perhaps it does and I forgot the true meaning of Christmas lies in maximising profit.

However, it's not all dismal - the bright crisp weather is holding out as if in eager anticipation that one day I will make it out to start putting the garden to bed for the winter.

Little R has football trials tomorrow for the under 11 island football team - excitement to balance his revision and work at school - exams in a week's time

Sam is preparing for a dance festival in the new year, and I now have hundreds of sequins to stick on her orange tutu....... orange! at least it's colourful :-)

and I'm starting to think that the most difficult initial part of this transition period from one job to another is coming to a close and now its about keeping the momentum going that I've been striving to build up...

It's been hard but it's getting easier.

Distractions

When / if I change job again I think I'll make sure it's something I can do standing on my head - I do believe there are some people who choose the easier path and those who always choose the more challenging route.
I'm currently on one of the five minute breaks I'm allocating myself, after each half hour of study. The only thing is, it turns into far longer than five minutes, and there are so many distractions.



Distractions like shoes and boots.....

Finding boots to fit is almost as much a nightmare for me as jeans (Samtzmom's post today), so I was delighted to find this site on the web - recommended by a friend who has shared similar embarrassing shoe shop experiences when zips don't slide effortlessly up on a dream pair of boots - expensive, but worth it.... I wonder?

They do shoes too :-)



Am now searching for a made to measure jeans site that doesn't involve stripping in a pod in Selfridges ...

Wrapped up

There are days, when the only thing that feels right are the oldest most comfortable jeans, even though they're nearly worn through, an extra large warm woolly fleece, a big mug of tea, a log fire, some favourite music and the prospect of something nicer than studying or contemplating the other various obstacles that need to be overcome in the next few months...

I'm back from our break - which was infused with art of all kinds, coffee, wine, cheese, chocolate, shopping, music, reading, exploring, walking and just being as a family.

On the way out I met a friend of a friend, who I'd been thinking of, following the pub experience. I've always found it odd that some kind of fortuitous coincidence means I'll often bump into the right person at just the right time to give me what I need.
In this case a whole heap of most welcome reassurance.

The trip was not entirely stress free.
As so often happens, I had been responsible for travel arrangements. It wasn't the best start...
We travelled as foot-passengers on the ferry, then had a bus to catch to our hotel.
The decision not to take the car had been purposeful. However, occupying the children while we waited for nearly three hours for French public transport to arrive was somewhat of a challenge.
When we were finally shown into our compact, family room at the hotel, where there were three beds neatly made up in a row, with barely enough space to walk between them, my heart sank. Lesser forgiving families would have lynched me, instead they laughed and the beds were, at least, comfortable.
We had barely sat down when the clock on the tower started to chime. It was the clocktower hotel afterall....
it chimed religiously every quarter of an hour. The thought hadn't crossed my mind when I booked it.

However, once we had taken all this in and bought earplugs the holiday took an upward spiral. We even enjoyed the simplicity of our accommodation, as we only really needed a place to sleep.
We relaxed, the kids relaxed and we had fun. We walked and explored, visited artists as they worked and attempted to converse in our basic french.

We ate out in restaurants and the children were welcomed - I had forgotten just how much I love French mealtimes, taking their time and savouring both food and company.
Being slightly out of season many restaurants were closed so we were eating with local families who couldn't have been more friendly and genuine. It was a shared experience.

Nothing about the holiday was pretentious or false, most things were so incredibly simple.
Even the hotel fitted the holiday, although a non chiming one would have been preferential.

Fortunately the homeward journey was straightforward and uneventful and today was back to football and domesticity.

Sam still yearns for a smart hotel experience, and Disneyland beckons too - I'm sure they'll be fun when we get to them, but simple was just right for now.

Last orders....

No, I haven't joined some religious group where alcohol is deemed the devils brew or such like. It's far more practical and logical than that - and temporary!! :-)

However, I did spend all night last night in a pub.
I've been thinking about pubs quite a bit lately - partly due to Julie's brave new adventure - and partly due to a programme I watched last week about Aberfan, where it talked about how the community would want to hang on, in the pub after hours, instead of going home.

Pubs have featured a fair bit in my life socially over the years - it was where we would meet after stressful shifts to debrief and reflect before going home - before formal reflective practice was expected as part of our ongoing professional development, when we just coped, just supported each other as part of the team, shared experiences and the like.

Sunday evenings at the pub were just as much accepted as Church - 8pm at the Bedford Inn would see a number of us gathered to catch up and share where we were, what we were doing etc

Many huge subjects have been discussed, unburdened and made more manageable in the pub, there is something about the atmosphere that can make for more effective free flowing conversation, regardless of alcohol.

Evenings when deepest fears can be aired.
Evenings like last night.

It was quite some evening....

My reflection on the way home was that, quite possibly, the biggest risk any of us can take, is to have children.
I'm sure there is no bigger love than that of a parent for their child, and therefore there is no greater risk.

I'm not sure we'd have had the same conversation and the same outcome in different surroundings - it was what needed to come out.

Last night, the pub was important.

A new routine

Good days are interspersed with more difficult days at work - learning a new skill in addition to a new job is more tiring than it would seem.
The children are following my progress and pitfalls with interest and encouragement. I need to do my homework but I'm finding it's all too easy to just fall asleep.

With this in mind we have embarked on a new routine - early to bed, early to rise, which means I'm in work earlier but still just as tired at the end of the day! On top of this we have given up alcohol and increased exercise - now it's just a case of getting used to it all, and I'm sure I'll be re-energised and able to read everything I have to and want to, reply to my e mails and texts and write proper letters, and generally get done what needs to :-)

the best feeling in the world

Sam couldn't sleep tonight.

When they were small I'd fairly often cuddle them until they fell asleep in my arms. It has to be one of the most beautiful feelings in the entire world.

So I wasn't going to miss out on an opportunity to savour the sleepy softness of her nestled into my neck, arms wrapped around me until she relaxed into a peaceful slumber.

A perfect way to end a day.

The twig, part one

In the summer I picked up this small piece of twig while we were out walking with S and his boys around the reservoir, with plans to try and cast it in silver, and add something sparkly to it.

Last night saw the start of this process. Hopefully we'll try casting it using cuttlefish, and then, as long as the twig is intact, we can try with a silicone mould too.

Its strange how not long after starting this, the twig, which we have all had a good laugh at, has turned into something precious and meaningful to me, and now I'm taking great care not to knock bits off it....
Then again there's something I like about that too

The biggest dream when I was a child

Your letter was only the start of it,
One letter, and now you're a part of it.
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you...
There must be something that you always want to do,
The one thing that you always wanted to
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you and you...

When I was little I used to watch Jim'll fix it almost religiously - watching all kinds of dreams come true. I'm sure if it was still running now little R would have written in to ask to watch Liverpool play live at Anfield.

Yesterday I managed to get hold of two tickets for Liverpool v Manchester City at Anfield in November, double checked flights and hotels, and then broke the news - it was a really special moment, filled with disbelief, excitement and tears of joy . I'm sure he thought it would never happen.
Now and again I find him suddenly grinning as he thinks of it.

He's so happy it's infectious.

Unexpected kindness

Its the end of another week, home from Sam's ballet class and time to relax.
Little R flew off on football tour today and it always feels as if something's missing when one of us is away.

The unexpected challenge of today came in the form of management being kind and caring.
I have been so impressed by the whole team working together, have been bowled over by their support, but was caught offguard by unexpected kindness. I'm simply just not used to it at work.

It has made me think about how conditioned we can become to only expect criticism or increased demands, so that when the opposite occurs it can be overwhelming and hard to accept.

Seeing our faults can be easier than seeing our worth..... but maybe thats because it's what we get used to.

Unique as a fingerprint

My first discovery in blog land was a real treasure, and inadvertently led me to discover various other wonderful blogs.

Small words, simple ideas, spoken by someone outside our usual group of friends or family can sometimes trigger a thought process, a way of seeing and feeling that hadn't seemed clear before.

Thankyou Pip, when I first saw this I printed it out for my son. I've mentioned before about him being bullied in the past, and his self esteem is so fragile.
This was one of those triggers, I've read it with him many times, and it helps both of us.

Sometimes we don't know what our words mean to others, and sometimes they mean so very much.

Time for....

Since I've started back at the hospital, even though I'm officially working more than I was before, in fact I now have more time free, and more time to spend with the children, more time to cook tea, more time to help with homework supervision, in fact more time generally - more time to learn things I never knew or things I have forgotten. More time as a family - things that money just can't buy.

Time for being reminded that there are words I still struggle to spell, as I check the spellings for this week... one c or two, how many s's ....?
Some words I'll always have to check with a dictionary if I want them spelt correctly!

I will never forget how completely amazed I was at the speed the children learned to read.
If anything can illustrate the sponge-like quality of a childs brain it has to be learning to read - one of the most incredible everyday miracles I've been witness to.

We have spent much time since then, learning how to spell, although I was pleased to hear the other evening that the teachers are now putting more emphasis on the content and ideas within the children's writing than they are on the spelling ...
a blessing for so many people who found spelling difficult and thought that their writing was poor as a consequence.

Now Sam will look at her writing and judge it on her descriptions, her use of dialogue, how exciting it is, and whether she has portrayed what she wanted to the reader, before she gets to the grammar and spelling.
I'm no writer, but that seems about right to me.

Second thoughts?

Have been catching parts of Extreme dreams - a programme which has followed a group of people as they attempt to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. The fittest of them was struck by altitude sickness and has had to come down the mountain on the last day. It's actually quite scary, even though I know it's possibly enhanced slightly for good tv viewing.

I still haven't given up hope that I might get to do this, added in is the fact that a very good friend has now decided she is definitely doing it too, and I think it would be really great to climb with her.

However, this programme has made me face the reality of what I'm thinking of doing. Only a few days ago it seemed that everyone I met knew someone who had done it or was going to do it and the challenge seemed lessened purely by the number of people I was aware of who had been there, it was almost no big deal.
Now the balance has swung the other way, R and the kids have been watching the programme too - there are serious risks involved, and this isn't a decision just for me to make, and it's not just the time I'll be away, it's very much a family decision...

I suppose for me, it's also partly about turning it around and thinking if it was R who wanted to do it would I be happy for him to, or would I feel strongly enough to try and stop him...

At the end of it all I guess some decisions just need to be shared.

Tonight

First night back at jewellery and silversmithing nightclass - so good to meet up with people I haven't seen since last term, so good to feel other people's energy, meeting new people, and struck as I am so often, by the unrelated benefit this class has on my life beyond it's stated objective - full of ideas, avenues to be explored, just a great place for pooling thoughts - I'd missed it.

It's that time of year again, we've been gathering conkers from the trees in my parents garden - as yet children are still allowed to play conkers in the playground over here.
Each year similar discussions take place on how to get the best (hardest) conker and to that end we still have some left from last year.
I have to say though that there is a luscious quality about a fresh shiny rich red/brown conker that one stored for a year just doesn't have.
However, that's not the most important thing to the children, so shrivelled, hard ones are better as long as they are winning!
I'm also quite taken now with the idea that they can keep spiders at bay, so I might just keep some of these newly collected ones back for the house!

It's sloe time again - and since we never seem to have the time to search them out and pick our own, a big bag, full, was a most welcome present.

We were introduced to sloe brandy a few years ago and I've wanted to make some ever since.
In fact the whole brewing beer / homemade wine idea rather appeals to me, although I have vague memories of rather unpleasant tasting homebrew from student days and wonder if wine would be equally as dubious....

Still, after an evening of preparation, the sloe brandy is now sitting patiently fermenting, or is it brewing, doing whatever sloes and brandy do, until it is ready to be tasted this winter.

We also have another quantity of sloes left over, waiting to be processed into something tomorrow, as yet undecided...

Despondent

At the end of today, I am still left with the question that has been haunting my thoughts and tormenting my emotions, wondering at exactly what point does someone's heart become so hardened that it loses its compassion, even to a child - words fail and I suspect there are no answers, but how does someone stop caring or showing care? I've been angry, sad, so many mixed up emotions, I try to rationalise and understand yet I can't - isn't empathy an instinctively human reaction? Perhaps not....

An alien concept

A day off - one whole complete day to do whatever I want - how luxurious, how easy for it to run away, who cares if it does.....

time spent reading and catching up on blogs, but still not enough to get to all I wanted to sit and read properly and comment

should clean the house but am off to the library, which means a trip through town to get there and I'm not sure I'm in enough of a self disciplined frame of mind to avoid the shops

calls to make, a christening to accept, the sun is out and the garden is calling

I'm not used to days off, time to call mine - a dream I've had for far too long

The winds of change

I'm caught in a whirlwind at the moment - with my new job, being a complete novice and learning from scratch. The learning curve is steep, but I'm gaining in confidence, and the team are just wonderful ~ encouraging and reassuring at just the right level. It's great to be back in the hospital, and am loving the variety of people I'm meeting every day.

A weekend away wasn't exactly restful but was good fun and mentally relaxing - I finally got to see the Kandinsky exhibition, was well entertained by the now exhausted Robbie , and spent valuable time catching up with friends, chatting well into the small hours.

The change is good

It's not on the curriculum, but....

Pride and self confidence are the two words resonating through my brain, from an information evening at school last night. They talked about standards of work and achievements too, but that was secondary to developing and maintaining the boys self esteem, which will prepare them for their transition into year seven this time next year.

To me it was reassuring, and was intended to be so to the boys, but instead, it was the trigger for R to tell us his concerns about the move to big school.

Back in his reception year R was bullied, but it wasn't until mid way through year one that it became so persistent and damaging that we moved schools. In a very short space of time we saw such huge changes, children were kind, wanted to play, wanted to be friends. Somewhere between six months to a year, we had a happy smiling child back again.

A year and a half later the children who bullied him in infant school, followed him to junior school, but mentally stronger, and secure within his own friendship groups, he was able to stand up to them and then walk away - it's been a long time now since they even tried to pick on him, something he has achieved, non-agressively, by himself.

He has learnt so much about handling his own emotions, and his response to others. We have watched him grow in confidence as a person, with a fantastic group of friends around him. He has been totally transformed, and at times it is hard to see the child he used to be.

Yet sometimes we get a real glimpse, that barely hidden, just under the surface, are all those feelings he had back then.
Last night was one of those glimpses.
Self esteem and self confidence go hand in hand, but helping them grow needs constant nurturing.
They are so powerful, and yet so incredibly fragile too.
I'm pleased it was the focus of the meeting - it would appear to me that perhaps it's one of the biggest gifts we can strive to help our children develop, yet possibly one of the hardest to bolster once it has been shaken.

Life

A few days ago in our relatively quiet community a 21 year old was stabbed and died,
I hear of another young man killled in a motorbike accident,
I pass the hospice,
Walk through old familiar territory in hospital
Hear of a family friend who had a heart attack during the summer, now recovering back home after surgery in London.
I hear of families who are grieving, and children who have lost parents,
I watch stories about September 11th on tv.

It hurts, people are hurting.....

For now, I have my family, my children ~ oh so precious ~ last night I hugged them extra tightly and prayed as they fell asleep.

prayed for their lives to be as full of life as possible, and, for me, I vowed to make each moment count, and to cherish all that is given to me. Sometimes it seems thats all we can do.

Sometimes I can't help thinking it's better to keep quiet ~ earlier today I visited the occupational health department for my pre employment check of immunisations, height, weight etc
I am not sure exactly why, but the focus for today was sight.......

I have good reason for having a phobia of sight tests based on an experience when I was six or seven. It's not something that has a marked impact on my life, and I can overcome it if needed.
However, as these tests were going on for some time - I'm really not sure of the rationale behind them in this situation - I mentioned this wasn't my most favourite thing

The response to finding this out was.... perhaps I'd like some counselling to help me.....?

what ensued was, him trying to make me take a piece of paper with numbers on it, me refusing and passing it back, him pushing it towards me, me saying no, him saying why not, me saying I didn't need counselling for it, me explaining that anyone who needed to, knew, including the optician, him insisting I should...
eventually I thanked him, said I knew he had the information if I ever needed it and made my exit

I wonder, had I said I was scared of spiders or needles or something more common, if he'd have advocated counselling?

Why do people impose themselves on others? I wasn't that concerned until he started making a big fuss about it.
What's wrong with just accepting people for who they are, with their insecurities, their stories and backgrounds, their vulnerabilities - why try to rock the boat of someone who is coping?

And what is it with this obsession with counselling? It's not that I can't see it's value, I can, very much so, but just not for every possible situation - I struggled to get adequate one to one support for bereaved children I was caring for, and he is trying to force counsellor time onto someone who doesn't want it....
it doesn't make sense...

Baptism of fire

R and R just arrived home after a friend invited them fishing....

Little R has always hated anything to do with fish, but it's cool to go fishing - right????

He has seen fish being caught and lines baited and been a part of the whole male fishing experience, including having to pee over the side, no time to indulge any phobia/dislike of any degree - and actually seems to have quite enjoyed the experience ~ it just remains for me to decide how to handle the next time we go past the fish market...

ps: and please don't ask how big the one they caught is !

Nature's cheeky - Probably no more than two months ago this tree, which I helped my Dad plant about 30 years ago, split in two - it wasn't overly windy, it just happened.

He then decided to fell the other half as it was wobbling, but decided to do it himself - we wish he'd asked for help, but we all take risks we shouldn't. As the other half fell he started to run away from it and slipped.

Fortunately, the tree fell the other way and he is still here to tell the tale. If it had fallen on him he would almost certainly not be. The stump was turned into a seat - a peaceful place to absorb nature in their garden.

I had to smile when I visited to find it happily sprouting away - the amount it has grown in such a short time is incredible!

Second chances

On the life / death continuum it doesn't get more important than resuscitation. The final day of induction required us all to update our skills before taking up our posts around the hospitals. However, far from being dull, there was a lot of humour, much laughter along the way and a bag full of learning taking place.

It's been quite some time since I was involved in resuscitation, but a complimentary comment on my technique - well practised over the years, made me yearn for something - rekindled a desire to use these skills again.

I've spent a fair amount of time since, thinking about those people whose lives touched mine as we tried to bring them back to life - there were some success stories along the way, but sadly far more who, try as we may, just didn't make it.

The little girl, completely perfect, bar a single stab wound to her chest, who, after a very long failed attempt, I carefully dressed in a night dress from the children's ward - her father made the call - he claimed it was him who killled her
I wonder about her life even now, 18 years on
The heroin addict who, once resuscitated, was furious with us for wasting and reversing his hard spent drugs
The unknown child brought in from a house littered with used needles
The elderly unkempt man with thousands of pounds on him
and the leather clad biker who had sped off after an argument with his family

many more come to mind - those who had taken overdoses - a cry for help gone wrong or had they meant it?
the teenager bleeding from every orifice - oozing blood from eyes and skin, burning up from the inside out - washing out her stomach with ice in a futile attempt to save a young life - all for the sake of an ecstacy tablet
and the frail old lady whose family just couldn't believe she could die

It took me back. It's important for me to feel that we gave it our best shot - I know the whole team were affected by these people - but sometimes our best just isn't good enough - sometimes we don't get the results we want
but sometimes lives are saved, or rather, prolonged - it's not about playing at being god - it's about helping give people another chance

It was about not writing someone off just because they weren't breathing and their heart had stopped - it was about the ultimate hope and belief - and knowledge - that sometimes the seemingly impossible could happen if we only tried, yet without trying, the outcome was inevitable.

So with that reminder ringing in my ears we completed our induction and were sent on our way

Exercise is good

The return to semi regular exercise feels good, and tonight I was persuaded by a friend to try body balance - a blended version of yoga and tai chi to music - not as peaceful or meditative as yoga, but I'm somewhat stretched all the same, and no doubt will feel it tomorrow.

Normally I exercise on my own, but on recent gym trips I have met up with J and it's much more fun - nothing quite like a good work out to destress and calm, and a bonus if I get to catch up on news I've missed.

People are still asking /semi expecting me to provide what I did in my previous job - more requests today.
For very simple reasons I can't, yet there is no local service for these people any more. Helpless frustration, tinged with guilt, surrounds this, yet I know I tried all the options open before I left, plus I now have a new job I need to concentrate on.
In many ways, the service offered by this charity had grown to such an extent, it was no longer viewed as a charity but more as a statutory service. It's no wonder there is still an expectation from people, and a disbelief that it's disappeared.

I am reminded that we are all on a journey, and recovery is a process, that I slip but there are people to catch me.... and I am thankful for this reminder

Now aching muscles need sleep....

And so it was...

News brought home from school, not just of their first days adventures but of someone they thought of as really cool.
They talk as if they knew him, are taken aback at news they hadn't expected, feel sad, yet marvel at his adventures and that he had really lived but that he chose to live dangerously too .



I was in my cocoon of induction before I can actually start my job - so I had to catch up on life news later. A wealth of characters or maybe animated caricatures would best describe the day, from the ever so jolly to the dullest way to impart the dullest information.... strangely I have gained slightly in knowledge so perhaps I was more engaged than I thought.
The challenge of acquiring a uniform to fit, as opposed to a sack, was achieved ( no mean feat from the linen rooms of hospitals), an escape made for lunch and then home to a Birthday teaparty for R at the end of the day.

Many phone calls later and we find some peace and time to reflect and relax

It feels good.



We step it up with manual handling and fire lectures tomorrow!!

A new beginning

Its a new year, a new term tomorrow, a new job for me, a new start.....

The relaxed freedom of the summer holiday is over and everything signals the change that that brings about..... early starts, alarm clocks, uniforms all neatly labelled, lessons, bells, clubs, activities, then before we know it it will be harvest festivals, school productions and Christmas ~ all mapped out.

However, the structure this brings is reassuring ~ their anxieties about leaving the holiday behind and starting a new year with new teachers are balanced with the knowledge that a large part of what lies ahead is familiar.

I'm thankful for this, they know where they are, what the boundaries are, and from this place of security they can explore and stretch those boundaries.

I love the idea that they are free, that we are free, holidays let us truly let our hair down and run wild if we want, do things we wouldn't normally get to do and some of those boundaries get well and truly stretched in the process. Yet a return to what is stable and secure, is grounding and reassuring.

It's not that the party's over, it's a new one beginning, a new cycle.

It feels more like New Year to me than New Year itself - I've never really embraced the whole New Year thing, but September is always filled with new starts, a new resolve, often several, so although a part of me wishes the Summer holidays could carry on for ever and ever ~ running wild and free ~ the start of new possibilities is ahead, which creates both nervousness and excitement at the same time.

We just need to get started

The next adventure?

A visit to the Bank manager yesterday proved rather more interesting than merely rethinking our mortgage arrangements!

Earlier in the year I had read about plans for 40 women to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, but being focussed on the moon walk I hadn't given it serious thought on a personal level.
Yesterday at the end of our meeting at the bank it was suggested to me that there were places left and would I like to join them.

The reason behind it is to raise awareness of the key signs and symptoms of Ovarian cancer - the prime objective of a relatively new charity, Keysoc.
Information on the expedition is here

It's something I'd love to do - it would be a fantastic challenge but would be beautiful and have a purpose too - it was all discussed with the family and agreed, I was getting very excited at the thought of it, but when I checked with work it looks as if I probably can't go - not this time, not yet, not perhaps for this cause.

The charity looks good though - it's important, and it's message is worth the time to check out.
I wasn't looking for excitement, but who knows what's around the next corner?

Mister God this is Anna

Just before our break we visited my parents and I happened to be in my old bedroom - now the guest room. Many of the books on the bookshelves are the same as they were when I was at home, but for some reason one of those old books caught my eye and I realised I had never looked inside it, it was so familiar I hardly gave it a second glance.

Hidden in full view was "Mister God this is Anna"

Since I started reading it I've been totally absorbed by it - it is the most wonderful book I've read in years and years. The relationship of this small girl with Mister God, her thoughts and questionings, discoveries and ideas has made me think and look at things at a new angle - there are far too many special parts to single out one or a few even.

I'm probably very slow on picking up this book - the fact it sat for 30 years (mainly I think because it had the word God in the title) without me reading it says that- but it really is a 'wow' book, and for anyone who hasn't read it, it's worth it - or I think it is anway.

"The diffrense from a person and an angel is easy. Most of an angel is in the inside and most of a person is on the outside" Anna aged 6

Am so impressed

Then we got back to find our friend had just successfully swum the English channel in 15 1/2 hours for breast cancer research - a great friend, and inspiration - totally amazing!

Slow

Have been away for a couple of days - school starts next week so it seemed a good idea to grab some space while we could. Some luxury too - a proper bed to sleep on in a hotel instead of sofa beds or camping style accomodation! The children had bunk beds - if only I could bottle their excitement...!

We swam, read, watched dvds and played games - slowed right down
Slow as a contrast from the parties and lateness of previous evenings with friends, which were lively, fun and full of energy, but tiring all the same.


Slow was good - just to stop the whirlwind and be still
- sitting with each of my family at various points, sharing moments and making contact with them, their thoughts and ideas, touching base with what's important.
Realising the real value of anything uncomplicated and pure and wishing more of life could be so simple ..... somehow the stillness seems to help in untangling thoughts, emotions and feelings
- now we're home can it last?

Since we're not getting far off this small rock this summer, and my philosophy has been for themost part that why should we when we live in a beautiful place, we've been trying to take advantage of what is on offer locally as far as entertainment goes.
It's been varied, but we've realised that as often happens, if it's right in front of your nose you don't always see it.
So last night we headed off to the Castle for some live music - despite the children's grumbles and headaches/tummy aches.
Once we arrived and had food it was a far happier scene, meaning we could listen to the music of John Byrne and Dave Fuller, relax and chill, and enjoy the moment. It would have been fantastic had the sun been setting, but was it was still fantastic and equally as memorable, if not more so, interspersed by the fog horn and the mist rolling in, with the odd champagne cork popping.

As we left a rat scurried past, but instead of being scared of it, the children were fascinated - it would seem that somehow a rat isn't scary when its where it's supposed to be!

Chainsaws are good for the soul...

Just what the doctor ordered - a trip out to the local show and some wicked chainsaw sculpting from a talented chap called Ben Loughrill - it was exciting watching and seeing his vision emerge from the wood, enhanced by the the noise of his chainsaw, flying sawdust and the skill involved ~ I seem to be spending a fair amount of time watching things transform lately! I looked for his website but obviously he's far too busy sculpting and getting creative with bits of wood and chain saws to get it sorted properly - what's more he seems to be a truly lovely guy - we spent quite some time chatting with him and couldn't resist coming home with a new addition to our family - ollie the owl!





The lad going wild on his quad bike was also something to behold!
Quad bikes and chainsaws being added to R's birthday list as I type - he can live in hope!!

Recovering

We've been feeling sorry for ourselves (collectively) today
Its been dentist day - checkups revealed both kids needed fillings - and today was the day.

When they were little we were told their enamel on their first teeth hadn't formed properly and just a sniff of sugar can - and will - cause cavities, so we have been extra careful, but still it's a hard balance, especially with them learning to brush their teeth properly themselves. It sounds small but is important!

We have fortunately found a nice dentist, but it's still a trauma - no other way of putting it.


So, we've had an afternoon of cuddling rabbits, playing with 'Bentley' - next door's dog who has adopted our garden as a place to play - watching tv ( am thankful for sky!) devouring home made soup, and just being a family - sometimes although the reasons for it aren't that great, it's good to just pull together as a family and lock the world outside while we recover

Getting arty :-)

I have always loved watching R working, painting or drawing, creating - I see it calm him, how he concentrates, gets absorbed in it, I love just being still with him - hours can pass and yet it doesn't feel long.

It's precious time.

I love my jewellery making because, to an extent, I think I feel a little of how he does painting -
I was never able to copy realistically, and was always branded no good at art at school.

However, given a different perspective since, I'd love to learn more about sculpture - to work in 3d is something I enjoy - clay, plaster of paris, wax, even sugar paste! - perhaps they're more forgiving... whatever it is, I find it easier ~ but, last night I was persuaded to grab a brush and a canvas and have a go at painting.
Again the hours flew past, it was fun, it was relaxing ~ he said it was good, I think it was childish and naive, but regardless of the aesthetics of the finished piece, there was definitely something intangible, perhaps just in the shared space with another person working, that made it special...

Who are we to judge others? If I'd believed the art teacher - and I did for a long while - and if I'd never been encouraged by R, I might never have even considered trying to paint again- and I'd have missed out on something valuable!

New eras beckon.

as one door closes another opens - coincidence or just part of the plan? - perhaps I should just trust more - the call to give blood that I received just as I closed the door on my ex employers car, on my last working day, proved to be the direct link to my new post - I start in September working as a nurse for the blood transfusion service.

Lots of thoughts running through my head - the arrival of a mac book pro heralds a new era for R's work (and mine to a lesser degree), but as R's comments were he could eat it I guess it's a male thing thinking of a pc as sexy!!!

Alone again - this little unit can take a deep breath and recharge - guests gone, a wonderful time had by all, but feeling weary from the constancy of noise, demands, busyness of people - time to be a unit of four for now - time to just be, be me.....

much needed rest and looking forward - a horrid feeling that the summer holidays are running away and I'm struggling to keep up - please can't we have another few weeks?

I haven't played nearly enough yet....
there's never enough time to play.....

Once in a while

Just finished reading The True and Outstanding Adventures of The Hunt Sisters
two quotes from it stuck in my head -

a quote from Auden:
But once in a while the odd thing happens,
Once in a while the dream comes true,
And the whole pattern of life is altered,
Once in a while the moon turns blue.

and a line from a letter to her sister saying
"I want to be like a favorite song. The one you play to cheer you up and get you going again. And like a good song, sometimes I'll just pop into your head or you can play me whenever you want."

At a funeral of a friend of ours I remember the priest commenting on how suddenly some colour was missing from our lives.
Colour..... or a favourite song?
People do bring colour and music into lives - am now thinking of my friends in terms of colours and songs!

Anyway, I did enjoy the book, sad, but a good read in a not too heavy kind of way

Never been tagged before!

Thanks to Caroline - a welcome distraction whilst preparing for an interview tomorrow!

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. chambermaid
2. nurse - cardiology/coronary care and accident and emergency
3. information officer for a childrens bereavement support agency
4. running and managing self catering chalets


Four Movies I have watched over and over;
I don't tend to watch a film / read a book more than once unless it's a kids one when I have no choice - so films I wouldn't /don't mind watching over are :-

1. Beaches
2. Dirty dancing
3. almost any of the Aardman animation films
4. Belville Rendez-vous


Four places I have lived:
1. Clapham, London
2. Edgbaston, Birmingham
3. Amesbury, Wiltshire
4. Guernsey


Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Tribe
2. Holby city
3. My family
4. Sex and the city - now on dvd only :-(

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. California
2. Finnish Lapland
3. France
4. Italy


Four of my favourite foods
1. Freshly baked bread - especially seeded, grainy or nutty ones
2. Cheese - favourites are soft and french
3. crisp juicy apples
4. curry


Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Southern Italy - the amalfi coast
2. Brittany, or anywhere in peaceful french countryside
3. Barbados
4. Antarctica


how about you?

Four people who will respond: anyone who wants to :-)

Happy Birthday Sam

9 years ago we waited expectantly to meet the new addition to our family - to finally greet the living being that had kept us up at night and was due to keep us up for many more nights to come - she arrived at 22.05
The child who has always been "sunny from the inside out", who dances her way through life and no doubt will leave a colourful imprint on many peoples hearts. A girl with attitude, who is compassionate and loving,


Happy Birthday Sam

This years creation was Rocky the rabbit :-)



and finally, just because it's not in me to give up on something - last years ( now inedible) Brambly hedge :-)


Tonight we can finally sit comfortably in the living room, instead of in the kitchen while I model tiny pernickity bits of mice!

However, before we get to that stage it is imperative that as many of the Birthday gifts as can be, get properly looked at or used.
This leads to the discovery that the pink plastic ties needed to attach the pink bike basket to the bike have been accidently thrown away - fortunately the bin men haven't been since last night and so we can retrieve them from the old bin bag.
This also reminds us of the numerous times we have had to search for lost items, always in the last bin bag to be searched - and also that, in rummaging, there is a strange sensation of reliving past evenings and events, pieced together by the rubbish they have generated - though I have to say, out of choice, memories and photos are far preferable!

House guests and a pleasant surprise

My Mum always said that house guests were like fish - after three days they start to go off.... that sounds harsh, but I know what she means..... to a degree -

living with people can be hard, sharing spaces and putting up with foibles and mood swings - especially with many different personalities.
However, with such very good friends to stay life is easy, relaxed, happy - normal children's squabbles but the place is so easy going it feels as if we're having a holiday aswell.
It's wonderful to see S with his boys, a fantastic father, and they are thriving on the love and stability he gives them - they have had some huge changes over the past couple of years and it reminds me that it is possible for children to come through a divorce and be well adjusted, happy and secure.



On another note we witnessed something we never thought would happen today - we have several neighbours, but from the outset one of them has been consistently obnoxious and rude at any opportunity - we suspect several resaons for this, but consistent verbal abuse and calls meant that when little R would lose balls over the hedge into his garden we would rarely see them again - it was very hit and miss, although we kept on persisting, as balls seem to have a way of migrating naturally to his garden instead of to any others.
Today, yet again, a ball went missing over to his garden, we expected the usual difficulties, yet to our amazement we were told we could go and collect them any time as long as we closed the gate behind us... a small thing but will make life so much easier. I have no idea what made him change his mind, but am truly thankful for small mercies :-)

Paddling pools

It was, all told, another full day, buoyed up by those around me - a paddling pool filled - far more than just a paddling pool in honesty - much pride has gone into sorting levels and adjusting it with sand to prepare the area first - we're not planning on refilling this one often - it has it's own filter so all being well it should be ok for a while - it was real team work, rewarded with a cool dip afterwards.
There has been ongoing debate about justifying such a pool with the sea a few minutes away - but considering how many days we are stuck here not able to go to the beach, it was far too irresistable...
plus children and water mix well I find :-)



Massive amounts of water needed to fill it have also prompted conversations between us as a family, children included, about this valuable resource - the cost of water, availability and some appreciation of it in terms of other communities in the world where water is not so readily accessible....
I am often heard reminding them to turn off taps, yet seeing it in quantity makes so much more of a visual impact... perhaps a consciousness will remain with them about this as they get older - I hope so


Barbeques seem the ideal way of cooking with so many living here, and the focus of activity is definitely outdoors...

The children have played, laughed, and generally had a ball together in the garden - its what childhood summers should be

Roll up, roll up....

Tonight we had booked for the circus, if indeed that is what it was....not being up on definitions of exactly what a circus is that is...
but it was in a tent, had a clown, a couple of acrobats and a lady who swung on a golden moon from the ceiling

Our guests and some friends we had invited, a few other people ringside, and a few performers - quieter than I expected, but we were out, and open minded to the end - it was a most surreal experience in an "I don't quite believe we are sitting here watching this" way... in many ways childishly simple

To fully describe it wouldn't do it justice... however, for all its simple formula we had the most wonderful evening, we laughed till tears were streaming down our cheeks at some parts - grown men completely dissolved in tears of laughter too.
It's so good to laugh like that.

The kids loved it and have been practicising diablo since we returned. I am sure we'll have to unearth the unicycle from the garage tomorrow, though we won't be setting ours on fire! (the fire stunts were definitely the highlight of the show)

Its a real shame in many ways that this will be the last year this 'circus' runs - it has something very special, unique, that more polished performances wouldn't necessarily have - a family feel show that can no longer compete...

And at the end of today, still no answers, but we do have one of my best mates here to stay with his two boys

it's great to see him, his kids and ours get on well...

all three of them a blessing

Muddling through or not...

Some days the seeming fact that however hard we try, some things just stay the same really gets to me - am frustrated that time and consequence has failed to change certain things, certain peoples reactions and feelings.

This morning I hit virtual screaming point at some peoples selfishness in having children and then not bothering - and that is the right word, not bothering what happens to them - and I have struggled so hard to not be judgemental - perhaps it's not for me to question why, apart from it is so blatent it's impossible to ignore...

Recently I have been preoccupied with unbloggable things - have been reminded what a godsend the incidental happenings and so called trivia are in helping us cope and get through dark days

I wandered into church in town earlier today - had the feeling that if only I could just stay there I could be safe and secure and it would all work out ok, but I couldn't, so, prayers said, I had to face the day...

Perhaps the best any of us can do is muddle through - it's all one big muddle really

Plums for sale...

Selling produce on the hedge is commonplace here - something for people to drop their money in and you can shop as you drive around the island...
since we have an abundance of plums - and pears to follow, the kids came up with the idea thay could do this and earn extra pocket money - I remember doing it as a kid with peaches and grapes - and I could identify so very much with their excitement when they found people had actually stopped and bought from us!!!!
12 bags of plums, 10 in each - the general public are 120 plums better off and our tree is 120 plums lighter - and thankfully we haven't had to eat 120 plums :-)
They have also more than doubled their pocket money in one day....

Hubby wanted to title this "hold your plums" but that's just an in family joke !

On being cared for...

The dilemma - all I wanted really was for someone to care, to ask how I was, thank me for what I had managed to achieve, and give me encourgement...

Just before the holiday I phoned Winston's wish to say thank you to them all for their support over the last four+ years - they are a brilliant team of people - and amend contact details, when this really lovely man actually asked me "has anyone said thank you to you?"

It felt to me as if I must have been moaning...

He just called me back to check on how I was, on how things were going - and you know what ? ~ now I feel guilty....

He's lovely but surely he has better things to do than call me?
It's not always that easy to let ourselves be cared for ~ it feels strange....

Just recently little S has been picking us flowers for the house - it's beautiful.
I love the fact that it's a gift she has chosen to pick, with love, more I'd say than the flowers themselves.

12 hours sleep

Bliss..............

:-)

Home sweet home

So we're back, ever so slightly tired from battling flying ants and dripping ceilings, sleeping in sofa beds, on blow up mattresses and bits of foam!

It was, despite the sleeping arrangements, a lovely holiday, excellent weather, am more tanned than previous years and the waterproofs weren't required for once...

Am aware I am tired but can't help thinking that holidays are just a good way of burying my head in the sand ...... no papers for a week, now I am reluctant to even look at the local one - perhaps I'll feel up to the real world tomorrow - or maybe I won't! :-)

Escape

Escaped last night to Herm for some peace and tranquility, a short boat ride away, no cars, a place where we have always felt we could just be us... somewhere where suddenly time doesn't matter, when the kids were little we could walk at their speed, taking time to examine every flower if they wanted, appreciating just being away ~
I step off the boat and as I walk I feel I can breathe so much more freely - there is a peace that comes from within, absorbed from just being there, for me it is magical, and always has been, since holidays when I was small.....

It's not for everyone but time to just be are too few and far between and I treasure the moments we spend alone as a family.

When I was little we stayed in the hotel, after 'A' levels we all crammed into tents and camped, now we stay and fend for ourselves, self catering, in a beautiful apartment, upper keep, as it sounds, the upper part of the keep, just below the flag on top of the island, so when we go outside we have panoramic views of all the islands around.

Sam was 11 months when we first went over and stayed.
They love going so much, and as she said last night, "it's easy really, you don't need much, just your family and friends..."
It really does seem that simple when we're there - one of those moments of clarity that I should hold onto for all I'm worth really - the wisdom of youth too.

We came back this morning for R to play football, and clean the chalets ~ a glimpse of reality I look forward to escaping from again tomorrow ~ I'd rather watch football than clean - and was excited as ever to see little R playing ~ I'm delighted his foot is healing well, it really was a deep hole, and must have been far more painful than he let on ~ anyway tomorrow will see us away finally, for good, on our holiday.

I haven't quite managed to leave the mobile behind, but do wonder if holidays were more holiday like before mobiles...

What the postman brought today :-)

Today we received some beautiful photos of R's sister's baby all the way from Melbourne - only minutes earlier the children and I had been talking about whether we would get any pictures - he was born at the beginning of June, and we hadn't seen a picture yet - though my parents had been e mailed some and we were being just a little sensitive about it all - brings me back to previous posting about families!! However, through the letterbox came a present for Sam - her birthday is looming fast, and some lovely pictures of baby F - am now feeling just slightly guilty for even considering jealous thoughts and feeling left out - patience is a virtue I am sadly lacking in so many situations

And the other news the postman brought was that the dreaded swimming lessons are paying off and Sam is moving up a level - it's all progress - and I am gradually putting my guilt over my failings in the swimming arena away!

The return of the blue plastic!

Summer has arrived in our garden - improvisation rules here - the heat has led to the yearly return of the blue plastic sheet and hosepipe, which frequently turn this part of the garden into a huge homemade waterslide, complete with bouncy rubber rings, sufboards, children and adults!

The only problem is there appears to have been something sharp under a part of it which tore a hole in the sole of little R's foot - not great when he is playing an important football match in 2 days, for which we are actually coming back from holiday for -holiday is only 15 mins boat ride away but still it's away! He'd be devastated not to play - against Everton minis, it's important, ;-)

And finally...

So, finally the last call for support, help, advice has been and gone - I finished my meeting, checked the phone and it's cut off, that's it.... what of the person who is trying to call right now - who didn't call sooner because she was just making a coffee before she made that call......

That is why I am sad, sad that people couldn't see, couldn't hear, didn't listen - and now it's gone.... I pray and trust that the huge gaping hole left that I couldn't totally fill, but something was a whole lot better than nothing, can be properly looked at and filled - am harbouring hopes from conversations I have had with various people about what is lacking, what people ask for...... but in the end it's not up to me completely

In some ways it's a relief after the messy past few weeks..... and I don't properly finish until Tuesday, so can quietly get on with typing and reports that are needed.

It is just........ final

sad but not devastating - I can't get rid of that glimmer of hope that has been there all along........I don't even have a good reason to have it, but it's there, so maybe although this is final, it's not totally over .

A magical mystery tour..

An afternoon spent in my parents garden - a garden I helped plant several hundred trees in when I was about 7 or 8. It's evolved and developed since then - greenhouses have come down, tree houses put up, drainage ditches dug and boggy areas reclaimed as grass. Its a wonderful place with football goals and a trampoline - a garden where children can run and climb and play, and dogs can be free - it's not pristine but is truly beautiful. Last years Christmas tree is growing well, the childrens chestnut and horse chestnut trees we planted from the chestnuts and conkers when they were just born, are now taller than they are. It's peaceful and quiet and great for bird watching.
Today both children happily mowed the lawn under the watchful eye of my Dad - taking it in turns to drive the sit on mower - a practicality with the size garden they have.
Back in their garden I am a child again - the adventures we had as children - discovering treasure - old coins before the vegetable garden was turned into the orchard - collecting all the fallen branches after storms and making dens with them, climbing trees and making tree houses in our minds as we didn't have the fantastic home made tree house my children have now.
There are trees remembering special people - including our dear friend who helped design a garden that required minimal maintainance with maximum beauty - his imprint is all over it... so many plants of significance, gifts from various people
And then there is the old cart - over the years there have been plans to restore it - I'd still like to but do like it in it's old and ruined state........ the places we went and the stories we told sitting on/in that cart....

It is a magical mystery tour - a fantastic way to spend an afternoon :-)

Electrics seriously scare me...

I just thought we needed a new lightbulb, turns out this was behind the light right next to the roof lining - it's only a few years old, and done by a reputable electrician. Few things truly scare me but the idea of a fire in my house, that endangers my family, does........ thank heaven for fuses...

we are very, very, lucky people

Uniforms

Oh for a uniform............the number of times I gained strength from my uniform - hid behind it, looked in the mirror, really looked at me, at my silver buckle gained from years of hard work and exams, at my frilly hat - until they changed the uniform that is!
I took it all in - and believed in what I saw - none of that was given away - I earned it all...... yet still I would wobble - frequently - but I had my uniform to hang on to - something concrete that said I was ok, I knew what to do - and others believed in me because I looked the part ( I did actually know what I was doing - it's ok!)

now there is no uniform, no buckle, or frilly hat (St.Thomas's uniform was priceless!) I am thankful I have a team mate who understands when I wobble, who catches me when I have been unnerved by my fears and am retreating rapidly - who tells me I am ok and sets me right back where I need to be.

Perhaps I'm standing on my own two feet more now than ever before - but I still feel insecure at times, and lonely, and scared at times - what I'd do for a uniform, a mask, something to hide behind - just sometimes!

just now forgive me if I take shelter, away from the world for a while...
theres some persistent battle fire going on, and I'm catching it on all sides...

Rambling again.....

I was watching footage about July 7th last year, and it took me back, not just remembering where I was or where my friends were then, although obviously I did, but to a time when I would have been a part of the emergency services attending those involved...
I was lucky maybe that in my years in Accident and Emergency I was never actually part of a major incident - I missed The Herald of Free Enterprise sinking and the Kings Cross fires during my training and was at the wrong hospital when there was the Clapham rail disaster. However, we were trained for such incidents, and had I been there, I would certainly have been involved.
Now I hear an Ambulance and the adrenaline starts to pump, I hear of major incidents and I want to be there .....

I did let go of it, my life is full and rich, I'm at a different point, I was single then, free with no real reponsibilities to anyone but myself, now I am married with two wonderful children. I have been lucky to have another job I feel strongly about, but that training never leaves me....
It will always be a part of who I am.
Life changes, I think it's a case of letting go, yet not forgetting - something I need to do again - though my ties to A&E are far stronger than to the post I am just leaving........

I think it is true, life does have chapters, perhaps with recurrent themes running through them, but there is something about accepting what has been and not trying to rewrite it over again.

I have an application form on the table - the job I was waiting to be advertised - no guarantees I'll get it - and if I do we're still only half way to where we want to go....
it's a long way removed from A&E, less so from my most recent post, but it would be a new challenge and it would be moving forward ....

Family thoughts

Am thinking if we can manage to negotiate our way around own families then surely we can manage our other relationships? By family I don't just mean immediate family, but the family politics that seem to exist in most families I know - we try to make things as simple as possible, but I can't help feeling there are no more highly charged and judgemental relationships as there are in a family.....