Running in my head...

Life without you, I cant imagine. What you mean to me I cannot express. Not only are you special, but coz of you life is special love is special. Don't know why you came in my life what role you were here to play But someone up there loved me too much. It must be magic, surely coz what we had defies sense. Every tear I shed, Every smile I had, is special coz you were there. You completed my life and gave it a purpose. You gave me a reason to wake up everyday. I don't know when you became family. I don't know when you became my life. Something somewhere did go wrong, but still looking ahead at life without you it's a dark hollow. It is living, without a life.

Aaahhh....those guys. Why am I not one of them? Why? Why don't I pass cheap jokes and laugh all day? Why don't I drool every other girl that passes by? Why? Why don't I swear at a drop of a hat? Why do I not care about anything? Why are girls not chicks to me? Even they get girls(chicks) But the thing is that they don't get hurt. They don't let the girls get close enough to hurt them. I am stupid. We are stupid. Heart...? It's just there to get hurt. All you guys out there...It's best to be that typical male who just watches sports,drinks beer and checks out chicks. Believe me.

I wish to write a poem right now Coz nothing else can express my heart. One which could cover everything, that I went through then and now. That tinge of pain that spark of joy. That warmth of love, that chill of despair. That feeling of oneness and one of being alone. The love, the hatred the sorrow, the anger. I can't. I can't. Words can't do justice to it. It's just me who has to bear, the memories and live them over and over again. Strange is the way of life, I would want things to change but if I had to change one thing, I wouldn't know which I'd choose. I guess there is no solution. I hate life for this. I am not made for this. Coz I think...and feel. I can't just put my blinkers on. Do I have the right to be happy? Do I have the right to love? Why am I hating myself? Is it coz of the way I've become now? or coz I blame myself for this state? Somehow everything feels wrong. Everything. I am living. I am working. I am laughing. I am sleeping. Yes. B...

Another one of my troughs. I am sort of getting a feeling I'm gonna lose it sometime soon. Lose my mind I mean. I controlled it somehow today. But I m sure a day's gonna come when my mind is gonna be overcome by this and I would lose control. I am doing my best to stop thinkin about it. But I am not immune. Life's taken such a turn. Do not, I repeat, Do not take life for granted. People change. I have no idea what I am writing. Chaos in my head. Had heard religion is the opium of people. I need an opium. Hope I dont get the real thing.

I am so sorry. I have lost touch with you my blog. I never come your way and share my life with you. It just doesn't come to me. There are so many moments when I think of things to say to you but then it just dissappears by the time I come anywhere near writing. So is the case today. I come here just like that...for no reason. Life is still not looking up. But I'm trying to look elsewhere. If there's one thing that is irritating me a lot is when ppl close to you just refuse to accept they are wrong and change. And then you cant do anything but take it. No matter how much I try to show them how and why it is that what they do is wrong but no use. They would just not listen and you have to live with it and your life changes just coz of that. And I cant do anything...anything. Surgery posting's going bad. Don't have the inclination to write about it on what's up doc? Don't really have the inclination to do anything. Am not even studying. Days just go by. When...

Is my life really bad? Or is it just in my head? I don't know. But for a fact I am not in the best of mindsets at the moment. Had a feeling few days back which was very bad. I mean I keep getting this bad feelings regularly but this was particularly bad. I just though of my life as a whole and was completely disillusioned. U know how u hear about these people talk about their life altering decisions and such big changes. I never thought of myself as having any of these things. My life was just going ok. No big surprises. No big changes. But that day I just had this feeling, that if I have to be happy,I've got to turn my life around. I was thinkin stuff like going off and staying alone in a completely new place for a while like at least 6 months or so. This would totally put my career out of track at the moment as I need to study but this feeling just grabbed me that I can't be happy here. Living this pathetic life. Sometimes feel like changing the whole direction of life a...

Am in a strange sort of place. Am facing a huge change in my life. A bad change but inevitable. And I am in a place where I don't know how to react. I seriously don't. Whether to run away, just change myself according to the change and move away or try to prevent it. Right now I am running away and changing. Something that is different from what I'd usually do. But I feel like I am stuck in a corner and there's just one way to go. It's the height of desperation. It's something that would change my life and I've never been so brave to just go and change. But I just can't help it. I'm put in such a position that if I don't change, it feels terrible. I feel left behind and stupid. Both the options feel wrong. I don't know what to do. It's easily one of the toughest positions I'll ne in my life. Stretched to the limit Now all I can do... ...is break. ********************************************************************************** Chatti...

Saw Chak de today. Superb movie. Watched a movie of such high calibre after a long time. The production values are fantastic.Direction smart. Acting commendable. Sound awesome. Camera work slick. The makers have cleverly been able to hold themselves from being overly dramatic. The honesty in working for the movie shows in some amazing scenes. It had me in tears too in a few scenes. It most definitely touched me a few times. I don't know if I cried because of happiness or sadness. It really grabs you. There are some cliche^s but you are too involved in the movie to mind. It did make me feel what a sportsman would feel. As I did play a bit, I could identify with quiet a few things and it felt so exciting.A sports person really has so much drama in his life. The performances that they have been able to bring form the players is just unbelievable. Although not Oscar winning stuff but it doesn't ruin the movie a bit and that is good enough. There were many times when things didn...

What? What is it that I want? Do I know it ? Or do I not? I don't know. What is it that makes me gloomy nowadays? Some days I just don't even feel like getting up from a place. Even if I know, I have some work to do and I can utilize the free time to do it, I just can't move. I am so affected by this mood. Am I lonely? What in my life makes me sad? I not o.k nowadays.Not that I am depressed all the time. I go to college. Do my work. Am pretty o.k there. But Whenever I come home and am alone, this strange feeling takes over, in which I am not happy anymore. There is this need to be happy. I mean, I am not satisfied with normal. I want something that really makes me happy. I am sure there is a reason for this. Just that I don't exactly know what it is. There are somethings that help to lift this mood. I think if I do something creative or anything that does really makes me happy. Something special. Something I can be proud of. But the problem is I can't always do it....

And it's all because of Ajan's tag that I've had a chance to post somethin. So grateful Ajan ;-).What would happen to my blog if not for such friends?! Now that the due credits are taken care of, let's move on to the tag. 1. Which song is being played in ur mind rite NOW! Girlfriend- Avril Lavigne ( and it's all because I read Ajan's tag just now. Now this song isn't leaving my head!!!) 2. One song that describes ur life.... (no self made compositions please!) Never thought of it in this way, but now that I have to, I think it'd be Yeh hai meri kahani- Strings. 3. The song u listen to most on ur i-pod/ MP3/ cell/ PC/ etc Recently it's been Doorie -Atif Aslam. 4.A song that describes best the foll stages in ur life: School days- Roobaru-Rang De Basanti Friends- Yahan ke hum Sikander-Jo jeeta wohi sikander Ur mood rite now- Complicated-Avril Lavigne 5. Your all time favorite song, and the reason for it... maybe some memory/ some funny story/etc!!! We...

I was going through a rough patch lately. And so I decided I am gonna start watching movies at home. Alone.Also, was pretty frustrated today. Was feeling very bad. Wanted something to take my mind off. So I went out and got 'Crash'. It's an awesome movie.It deserves all the praise it got. But this post isn't about the movie. It's about something I've been thinkin about for quite a few days. And Crash just brought it up. I am thinkin big and planning to go to the U.S. for my post graduation and further. But lately I've been having worrying thoughts about it. I mean is it a good decision? The thing that I am most scared about is being an outcast. The foreigner. The brown guy. I'll never be me again. I fear I am never gonna be treated normally again. There's gonna be so much prejudice. And even if it isn't there, I am still gonna have to prove myself...to everyone. I am gonna be judged. There are gonna be many taunts. Worst of all open abuses. I am...

The title is not an apology for not posting regularly. I seriously survived a dangerous accident unhurt. It was my mistake. I got too excited and was taking a sharp turn. Of course the speed was more than my car could handle and it went out of control. It swerved and skid and collided into a metal barricade definitely put in place for fools like me. I felt thrown forward from the seat and felt the seat belt keep me in. I swear if I wouldn't have been wearing a seat belt. I immediately felt so stupid to be doing it. I felt so guilty. I was numbed. The front of the car is smashed. Every time I see a car, I feel guilty.

I have just stopped posting those stupid, spontaneous post. Just about what's in my mind at the moment.....and I hate it!!!! I have started posting after every 2 months....and I hate it. I remember the time when I had a need to post everyday. everyday damn it! Can't even think about something like that right now. So here it is. I am posting this just to post something and it's after a long time that I am posting as and when I am thinking. I am alive and well, thank you. Hope to meet u guys soon again. Thinking of changing the template although I've got so many compliments.But I suppose it'll take time. Signing off.

Ok guys here is the group dance at this year's fest that I've talked about here , here , here , here and here . I am in the centre in the first and third songs. Waiting for your comments.

Welcome a new member to our family.....Plz suggest some names. None has been finalised yet.Oh and yes she's a female.

Beautiful Sikkim On way from Yumthang From Yumthang Yumthang valley in the background Zero Point View from our hotel Such cute kids Rock Garden,Darjeeling Towards the peak(Sikkim) Mirik Lake Beautiful Darjeeling (Tea Plantations)

3 hrs before I leave towards a great trip around Darjeeling and Gangtok. Wow I hope it's fun. They are amazingly beautiful places. Will be back on the 18th. Will surely upload pics from the trip. Although there were a bit of difficulties in the beginning, we are finally going. Enough now. Rest of the story when I come back. The pics are just to give you an idea of what am I in for. Beautiful ain't it?

All men are dormant rapists. -Javed Akhtar

Any captions suggestions?

What a world we have to habitate Love hides while hatred dominates. A murder may not flinch an eye but a kiss will make the culture cry.

You're so beautiful it hurts. and yet strangely it soothes. You're so perfect, you make me see the imperfections in the rest of us. You're so beautiful that when I see you I want the moment to go on forever, just so that I can decipher the spell your beauty casts. That moment, I am free yet captured That moment, I am calm yet restless That moment, I am in ecstasy and yet in misery That moment, I am me yet unknown It's amazing how you never cease to amaze me. It's amazing how it never seems to be enough for me. In that moment,my eyes seem like the greatest gift God could give. But still, in that moment,He seems so cruel for giving just two of them. You're so beautiful it hurts. and yet strangely it soothes. Happy birthday.

This is to announce the grand opening of my new blog I,Doctor . Applause..... It's a new endeavour in search of sharing more of my life with others as well as myself. Go figure that out. It's going to include my experiences in the field of medicine.Hope you don't give as good a response to it as you gave to this blog as I had to wait months for my first comment and then months again for the second.And that is how it went. Internship is one of the biggest experiences a doctor could have as he is thrown in with the patients all on his own for the first time.It's reported to give some real scary moments, some sad moments, some frustrating moments and maybe sometimes an odd happy moment or too. But whatever the incidents I am gonna enjoy reading them bout 10 years from now. So that's my selfish motive behind the blog.Enough here. Meet you there. Oh yeah. I won the first prize in the solo competition at the L.T.M.M.C.festival mentioned in the previous post. Yaay!!!Atleas...

Everything came to tragic end today. And after everything we are not performing there. Although doing my solo. As I've said was very frustrated since yesterday but still was dancing just for the sake of it. We went to get the costumes in the morning. There we get a call that the girls don't want to dance. And we had put the costumes in our bags by then. Felt so...what else? frustrated.All these day no one wants to practise and the last moment when we have 3 stations away to the choreographers they say they don't want to do it. We tried to convince them against the stupid reasoning that other dance groups are going from our college. I mean how does that matter? We asked them if the final decision as the choreographers were just leaving and we had to decide whether to bring the costumes. They said no. We returned the costumes. Then somehow something struck and people started saying again that they want to dance. But this time it was too much for us and we stuck to the decisio...

Am so damn frustrated. It happens everyday and I can't do anything. I am talking about my dance group. Yes again. We are going to another college.The show is day after tomorrow and today was a holiday. Any one in their right sense of mind would practice. But no. These greats are not bothered at all. Even after knowing that we screwed so badly in the last performance. G said he would call everyone. Got a call in the afternoon. Said practice in the evening. Waited and waited. In the end I had to call to know. P was sleeping. Said was tired after roaming all day. Others still were in their rooms. And I called an hour after the decided time. Even yesterday I went to college just for the practice and nobody came. I have to go and call each and everyone. So many are not even bothered to call and ask what about the practice if they don get a call. They just wait and wait till someone calls.Today we called them in the evening till then they were blissfully unconcerned even though we have t...

And I am back after a short hiatus. As everyone knows our dance practice was going on and all that madness culminated in the final dance performance. So here will be a bit of a recap.... 2 days before the day I decided I wanted to do a solo.Was scared as the group was taking a lot out of me. But a lot of people were asking me to do it and wvwn I felt I should. So I made a decision that I was gonna do a solo.I talked to the choreographers and the they were kind enough to say they'll help me out. And they did. They choreographed a bit part of tanhayee. And I was gonna do the MJ bit. I kept it short scared I might get exhausted. Something I would regret later as my dance finished as soon as it'd started and I wasn't really all that tired.Sad part also was that I forgot what I'd been taught in tanhayee the same day. I somehow managed to conceal that I had but felt bad. Group dance was good. Forgot the first step but no one realized and I did the remaining part well. Things ...

This is about an incident that happened yesterday. It reiterated what already knew and don like it one bit. A dancer who hardly attends the dance practice and isn't even good got angry and behaved in such an aggressive way that it shocked me and all I wanted to do was kick him out of the dance group. It happened coz his partner who was preset for the dance practice all the while said she won't dance with him as she was frustrated about sitting there alone as others practiced with partners. This guy has ditched us so many times and gone to play without caring one bit of how bad he is dancing. So we were with this girl trying to convince her to dance and she was arguing about how she missed lectures for the dance and had to sit alone. And this guy got angry and threw an iron rod, went out slamming the door open in a vulgar show of anger. And this when all of us including the choreographers were present. He really deserves to be out of the dance for acting so careless about the ...

With a lot of enthusiasm and passion did I plan to dance this year. But now I am suffering the consequences. As I have already reported I come home absolutely exhausted but what I haven't told you is the pain a human can go through. Every new step finds new ways to make my muscles sore. Every day after practice, my body is hard to move. Just feel like staying still, absolutely still. Moving any part of the body an inch is such an effort. And if I do, the spasms in the muscles just seem unbearable. We were gonna be told who our partners will be by our choreographers yesterday. I was insisting that I don't want J as a partner since a few days. But as luck would have it, she was named mine. I can't really point out what it is about her that I mind but there is something which makes me uncomfortable. I just don't connect.So I started acting a bit weird. My mood went down. I didn't feel like practicing anymore. And I did act scared that I wouldn't be able to do li...

Alright I'll be out with it. A lot has happened but I didn't blog about it. And that's because I just couldn't. Not that I didn't have time but I just could not write. Felt really bad. Same thing happened today. Thought of a few things to write about but when I came online I just couldn't get myself to write. I gave up the idea and was browsing around when I saw a blog a friend had just started writing. He is in New Zealand and he's written his day to day stuff. Reading that I felt so inspired to write this. I mean....although they were small details, He's gonna be so thrilled a few years from now to read those tid-bits reminding him of his stay there. I was overwhelmed by imagining that. Yes, I am like that. I get emotional about such things. So I thought why not I and that's why I think I should write about my life as I'd like to look back upon it. Ok so, I've got my P.S.M. posting first in which we just have the task of sitting around wh...

I love being alone. I hate being lonely. Image courtesy:Flickr

I am happy. I am relieved. But am not really excited enough for a Hurray. Oh, I didn't tell you guys....I have passed Final MBBS. The results are out. Yes, I am almost a doctor now. Left out on poor people out there. If I ever wanted a story for posting, I've got it. Sittin at a friend's place I get a call from a friend that the results are out and I have passed. We try to check it ourselves all worried but the damn page just wont open. And when it does after about 15-20 min, what we see blows us off. 21 people failed. I still am not able to fathom it. Probably what I am more surprised about is not that all these people failed but that I passed when 21 failed. I mean holy crap!!! Some of the people who have failed have almost always outscored me. It just is so unbelievable. I don't know how will they be taking it. It is just so freaky. Anyways I passed. Not exactly a very good score but what the hell. Ok that's it. I'll talk later.

This is one of the movies that when you've watched, makes you feel that you can see the world a bit more clearly. It's true. In a way it opens your eyes. In many ways actually. The film is set in Sierra Leone in Africa documenting the civil war on account of the diamond mines discovered there. It takes us through the life a father whose family is ravaged by a military outfit and his struggle to get a normal life back. The movie starts with a bang showcasing the ugly truth that existed. And when I say ugly, I mean horrific. We are taken to a village where jeeps of gunmen arrive suddenly open fire on every one and then catch the men who survived to either cut their hands off to stop them from voting or take them to work in mines. Now what is commendable is how successfully the director is able to portray the limits of ruthlessness that humans can go. After seeing the way the area functions we do tend to believe it can't get any worse. There are kids 10-12 years old who are g...

Yes that's right. I am back.....for now. Saw Guru today. Anyways couldn't think of anything to write here about. So this gives me a good opportunity. On the whole, awesome movie. All credits to Mani. I like it when people stay true to the subject instead of making it too commercial. An artiste is one whose art is for himself not others. It manages to hold your attention for the length of the movie. Well,till the last parts anyway. The pace never slows down. Of course Abhishek carries the film on his shoulders and does it pretty well I must say. This is the first time I've seen him act...well. He should stick to more of such kinda roles.But I definitely saw a lot of Amitabh in his performance. Superbly crafted cinema that just has those hidden message kinda like those between the lines stuff. It tells us about dreams, the indomitable human spirit and strength in times of adversity without being preachy.Guru inspires you to fight fo your dreams but as a tribute to realis...

Too many things bouncing off the inside of my head and no one I can talk to, so I come to my ever faithful blog. I've been wanting a lot things lately. Why you ask? I really don't know. I guess it's this never ending quest of happiness. And you know what happens when I accidently get one? I am not happy. It's just too much. I guess I am gonna be one of those people whorun around here and there in search of that ever elusive goal- spiritual happiness. Yeah I know it sounds crazy. I used to laugh at them too. But life just has so many questions that have no answers. Atleast none that I know. Seems like such a simple thing, happiness. Satisfaction. Contentment. But when there's so much of discontent in life, so many unanswered questions, it really doesn't leave any space for the above mentioned. Want so much to just be relaxed about life. But there's dissatisfaction everywhere. Everywhere. Oh hell, life is bad. And I haven't even had a heart break. That def...

It slowly is building up inside me. After keeping it buried inside for so long I thought it'd been taken care of but apparently not. It still exists and is raising it's ugly head again. I feel the surge coming up like a huge bubble finds its way up to the surface to explode with all its might. I am still fighting to keep it inside as long as I can but it's appearance seems more and more inevitable with each passing moment. Not to mention how somehow the whole world seems to try to facilitate it's coming out. Every now and then circumstances lend themselves to such extent that I can but stop from exploding. And yet I fight. Alone. I know it's a losing battle but still want to delay it as much as possible. There seems to be no solution. No way to escape this fate I have to endure.

Yes ladies and gentleman. Along with a new year, I've been put under this responsiblity of doing a tag by my friend Adi . Although I haven't actually made any resolutions, I have some things that I would want to do this year. And also I have to do this tag don't I. Ok so here it goes... 1) First of all and most urgently, lose the extra exam flab. Don't wanna join a gym though. May be I'll just dance it away. ;). 2) If there was anything that I wanted to do badly and could count as a resolution, it's my plan of touring somewhere to get away from the same old life. But as the time nears it's looking less and less possible. And with one exam postponed (this is the last time I mention exams, I promise) even our vacations have been cut down. But I'll still try to make it out of here. 3) Another one of my big big wishes this year is to perform an amazing dance at this year's fest. This year is especially special coz it could well be my last perfomance........