Outburst.
Is my life really bad? Or is it just in my head? I don't know. But for a fact I am not in the best of mindsets at the moment.
Had a feeling few days back which was very bad. I mean I keep getting this bad feelings regularly but this was particularly bad. I just though of my life as a whole and was completely disillusioned. U know how u hear about these people talk about their life altering decisions and such big changes. I never thought of myself as having any of these things. My life was just going ok. No big surprises. No big changes. But that day I just had this feeling, that if I have to be happy,I've got to turn my life around. I was thinkin stuff like going off and staying alone in a completely new place for a while like at least 6 months or so. This would totally put my career out of track at the moment as I need to study but this feeling just grabbed me that I can't be happy here. Living this pathetic life. Sometimes feel like changing the whole direction of life and go to somewhere unexplored and new as a career option. It sure will be surprising for many as it is for me. These are things I've never thought of before. Life was so simple and I didnt take such huge risks. But now there's a feeling that something somewhere is lacking. I am not happy. Have to go somewhere. Do something. But this life won't let me. I will never have enough courage to do such big things. But these thoughts are creeping in my head. Of course I huge part of my trouble comes from my family. I am getting more and more frustrated living here. I don't know what to do when they refuse to improve as I say. I mean what can you do? Nothing. And I just have to take it. No matter how they behave. And this is affecting me. They don't listen to what I say and behave as they want but that is affecting my life. But I can't do anything. I've tried and still am ignoring them. But then how long? What's the bloody point? I am detached and unhappy with how they behave and that is how I live.
I have come to believe there are two levels in the human mind. One basic and the other superficial. In day to day lives people get angry, happy, sad etc etc in the superficial level. Deep inside they are stable and secure and that's how they can fight the superficial mood changes and go ahead. I think I have a problem with this deeper level. I am not stable in my life in terms of my support system, my close ones etc. I don't know where I am and thus it is affecting me. I don't really have friends to talk to and grow with. Don't really have many people to share my life with as it happens. And that probably is making it all the more difficult.
That is the reason why I wish I could just go off somewhere and live for a long time and completely lose contact with my life here. Learn something new. a new culture, make new friends and just live another life.Somewhere like Goa with a backpack. But don't think I'll be able to come back to this life again.
Just things I felt like saying.
Had a feeling few days back which was very bad. I mean I keep getting this bad feelings regularly but this was particularly bad. I just though of my life as a whole and was completely disillusioned. U know how u hear about these people talk about their life altering decisions and such big changes. I never thought of myself as having any of these things. My life was just going ok. No big surprises. No big changes. But that day I just had this feeling, that if I have to be happy,I've got to turn my life around. I was thinkin stuff like going off and staying alone in a completely new place for a while like at least 6 months or so. This would totally put my career out of track at the moment as I need to study but this feeling just grabbed me that I can't be happy here. Living this pathetic life. Sometimes feel like changing the whole direction of life and go to somewhere unexplored and new as a career option. It sure will be surprising for many as it is for me. These are things I've never thought of before. Life was so simple and I didnt take such huge risks. But now there's a feeling that something somewhere is lacking. I am not happy. Have to go somewhere. Do something. But this life won't let me. I will never have enough courage to do such big things. But these thoughts are creeping in my head. Of course I huge part of my trouble comes from my family. I am getting more and more frustrated living here. I don't know what to do when they refuse to improve as I say. I mean what can you do? Nothing. And I just have to take it. No matter how they behave. And this is affecting me. They don't listen to what I say and behave as they want but that is affecting my life. But I can't do anything. I've tried and still am ignoring them. But then how long? What's the bloody point? I am detached and unhappy with how they behave and that is how I live.
I have come to believe there are two levels in the human mind. One basic and the other superficial. In day to day lives people get angry, happy, sad etc etc in the superficial level. Deep inside they are stable and secure and that's how they can fight the superficial mood changes and go ahead. I think I have a problem with this deeper level. I am not stable in my life in terms of my support system, my close ones etc. I don't know where I am and thus it is affecting me. I don't really have friends to talk to and grow with. Don't really have many people to share my life with as it happens. And that probably is making it all the more difficult.
That is the reason why I wish I could just go off somewhere and live for a long time and completely lose contact with my life here. Learn something new. a new culture, make new friends and just live another life.Somewhere like Goa with a backpack. But don't think I'll be able to come back to this life again.
Just things I felt like saying.
Comments
May be you are seeing only the negative side of them. Ignore it. Make up your mind and see no flaws. Aaah, I'll meet you online...this comment is growing!
two things.
perhaps quitting on your current life and turning it around completely is not the best idea. drastic changes are not easy to undo and what if you don't like your life after you change it? but it is possible to improve the way you are in subtle ways, may be you aren't trying hard enough or may be you're putting in all your effort into pursuits you are not up to - physically, mentally.
as for why people get angry or sad, don't you think it is because they are quite unstable deep within. wouldn't a perfectly stable person be able to wade her way through any given situation knowing it wouldn't touch her?
hope I find you feeling better the next time I'm in this neck of the woods.