Update

A couple of the things I wanted to do at the new year were to blog more consistently and also make some changes and to move to Wordpress. I thought it would be much simpler and quicker than it has been. I am slogging through though and will be up and running soon I hope.

Wish me luck.

Vanity, Aging and Jan Brady

I really don't think of myself as vain. Actually other than the 30 minutes I spend getting ready for the day, I don't really think much about how I look. In fact I'm a little put out when I accidentally see myself in the mirror in the middle of the day and think to myself that I really should go and put on some lipstick or redo my hair. Don't get me wrong, I can be very narcissistic and selfish, those things just manifest themselves in other ways.

I guess I like how I look, since I really couldn't do a lot about my facial features, I have just always accepted them. I do like my large eyes. I like that they are so expressive. I have a big nose but it hasn't ever really bothered me. I have a large wide smile that I know is friendly. Big eyes, big nose, big mouth, that pretty much sums me up.

I also have freckles. I do love freckles across the tops of little noses. It isn't that I liked or don't like mine, they were just a part of my face so I accepted them. I remember when Jan Brady put lemon juice on her freckles to get rid of them and I thought that was strange. I must admit that I do feel self-conscious about my teeth (I wish they were straighter) but the only times I really think about them is when I am getting my picture taken.

So, a few of weeks ago as I was getting ready for church and I saw some, well, I guess they are age spots, on my cheek. (think large faint freckles) What?! Age spots? This discovery has kind of thrown me for a loop but have been unsure why. I mean I had no problem telling my hairdresser I didn't want to color my hair even though I've got some noticeable gray. I can also see lines around my eyes that weren't there a few years ago, that hasn't bothered me either. Why then are these age spots bugging me so much?

Maybe I've always taken my clear skin for granted. Maybe because the lines and the gray came on so gradually, it hasn't been shocking. Maybe I was just surprised. And, well, maybe I am vainand just never thought so before now. I still only think about it during that mirror time in the morning but I think about it almost everyday. Hm, well, I hope I don't sound too whiny, I really just wanted to journal this unexpected event.

When I showed Paul the spots on my cheek, he told me that they made me look distinguished. :)

Underwater with Kirsty.com

Every morning my Sara and Gloria run downstairs and the first thing they say is, "What's on Kirtsy?"

Gabby, who is one of the three geniuses behind Kitsy.com, was kind enough to let me try to curate the slide-show for today. Check it out here.

It was so much fun to think of a theme and then search for cool pictures to share. I really loved doing it and I learned a ton.

I hope she will let me do it again.

*image by Dustin Humpfrey

More Honesty

When I was at Josh and Erin's a couple months ago I was getting Brian Julian up from a nap and I was dismayed to see this quilt that I made for one of their kiddos. I'm guessing that is was Colin but I'm not sure. I was so dismayed I had to concentrate to not cry.

Anyway, it is beautiful. I used blue scraps of fabric that I had left over from past quilts and projects. I used a pattern that I had seen earlier. I liked it because it was simple and wasn't different variations of squares which gets tiresome to me. I love the stippling that I did for the quilting. It is playful and busy and offsets the sharp angles of the design.

Are you wondering why it brought me to tears? I am ashamed to say that when I thought of that quilt, I remembered it being hokey and amateurish. I remembered that I wasn't happy with my choices of blue fabric but that they were all I had. I remember that I had trouble with my machine and wasn't happy with how the quilting turned out. I remember hurriedly finishing the binding so that Josh could take it with him when he stopped at our house in Kansas on his way to New York.

When I saw it again, I was just sick. How could I have remembered it so differently? Why am I so critical of my work? Why do I always think someone somewhere is doing the same thing better than me?

I have been thinking about this for a couple of months now, I hate that I have so many memories like this one. I remember an event/project/time as unpleasant and then find out later that it was really lovely. I also have many thoughts running around my head about why but I won't bother with those.

Normally, I would stress about this until it was unhealthy but I am trying to make some changes in how I deal with this kind of thing. So this is how I am going to move forward.

*Post Edit

I have been thinking about a conversation I had with Jared about his wife Liz several years ago.

Me: Liz is amazing! I can't believe everything that she can do and does so well.

Jared: Yeah, she's great. You know what else? When she does something and it doesn't work out, she doesn't dwell on it. She just learns what she can and moves on to the next thing.

Me: You mean she doesn't fret and worry about the mistake and beat herself up for weeks?! Again, amazing!
In my next life I am determined to come back as one of my sisters-in-law. . . um . . . I mean . . . I will just make better different choices when it comes to husbands.

First, I am to keep a quilting, knitting, cake, project journal; it will include my original vision and a picture of the finished project, as well as sketches, dates and names. I went to a photography workshop recently where the teacher walked us through her creative process and it was fascinating to me. I wish I had a record of my own. I think If I do that I will be forced to remember things correctly.

Second, I am going to be positive and not so critical about what I do and what I have to offer. I will focus on the positive side of things, ie: how I adjusted and adapted to make the project work and how well it turned out, instead of what went wrong and how different it is from my original idea.

Third, I am going to trust my own judgement. In the past I have been so worried about failing that I would paralyze myself then I would run my idea through two or three people thinking that would get my courage up. Three things happened when I did that. 1) I would get talked out of it altogether. 2) I end up with a product I don't like because I changed it to please others. And 3) I didn't learn anything because I didn't work through my own process. I loved this blog post discussing how to master a skill. He says mostly, "do it, practice it, and then do it some more."

I have been doing this for a while now and I feel liberated. I will keep you posted on my progress, I know you'll be glued to your computer chairs waiting.

An Open Letter to Myself

St. George Dance Festival with Mitchell Blake who was kind enough to be my partner.

Is it safe yet to admit how much that I LOVED wearing this dress?

Dear 14 year old Rachel,

I'm so happy for this opportunity, I hope that what I tell you will be well received. Don't get wrapped up about how this is possible, I don't really understand it myself. It has something to do with a flux capacitor. Actually, you aren't going to get that reference because that movie isn't coming out for a couple more years. Sorry.

First of all, Relax. Don't worry and don't panic when things don't go as planned. Things will work out, and usually better than if they had gone the way you planned them. Also, you are mean when you get stressed out. Don't do that. Being stressed out doesn't give you permission to be a jerk. You look like a moron and are always sorry later.

Spend time with your dad.

Never let a curly blond hairstylist cut your hair. Just trust me.

Find the good in each season of your life. Wonderful or terrible, comfortable or trying, it is just a season.

Learn stuff. I know that formal education isn't working for you right now. Talk to your parents about an alternative, they will be more open to the idea than you think. I know you already love to read but read even more. You'll be glad you did.

Drink some caffeine before you read or when you need to concentrate. You'll understand why later.

Be generous. I know you don't feel like you have a lot to give right now but you do. Use your sense of humor to put people at ease, not to cut and hurt. Sarcasm might make you feel clever in the moment but it is not generous and will never, ever make you feel proud of yourself.

You are good at noticing what people need emotionally. Tell people the nice things that you think about them. A sincere compliment is always appropriate.

Buy Apple/Mac stock but not until 1997.

You're beautiful and smart. Don't believe that crap you keep telling yourself when you look in the mirror.

Most people are good, some are not. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Last, I know you dream about that knight in shining armor and wonder if he is really out there somewhere. Don't worry, he is. You'll find each other and it will be great. You'll know as soon as you see him. Trust yourself, trust him. Don't listen to those who are discouraging to the two of you. Not only do they not know what they are talking about. They are just plain wrong. And just so you know, he is even better than what you imagine he will be. He is going to save you.

Have fun and don't worry so much. There is so much good ahead of you! Enjoy it!

I'll see you in about 28 years.

Love,

42 year old Rachel

Five Things Michael Phelps and I Have in Common

1. We both swam competitively in high school.

2. Both of our first names end in 'L'.

. . . that was all I could think of.

Every morning since school started, I have been getting up, getting Dan off to seminary and then swimming laps in our pool. I swim 60 laps, 20 backstroke, 20 freestyle and 20 breaststroke, it takes me just over 30 minutes. I love it.

I love how my toes scrap a little and how the water rushes along my body as I first kick off the wall. I am always the most comfortable swimming a freestyle stroke and I love watching the bubbles that stick to my fingertips as I stroke. I love the stiffness of my arms and the drips on my face when my arms come straight up out of the water as I do the back stroke. I love the reach and pull and my head being forced out of the water when I do the breaststroke.

I love how graceful and beautiful my body feels when I move in the water. I have to say it is a little intoxicating to me, especially when I haven't swam in a long time.

I also find myself thinking some of the same things every morning. As I get into the pool, I hear my parents telling me, "Never, ever swim alone!" I always feel a little guilty. My next thought is of the time dad came in the house bleeding from his head. He had been swimming and had miscalculated and hit the side of the pool, hard. They called us together and used that as a good lesson on why you should never, ever swim alone. What if he had been knock out? He could have drowned! It was a good lesson, it has definitely stayed with me.

I think of our coach (Sara or Josh, do you remember his name?) telling me he didn't want to see my chin come out of the water when I did the breaststroke. I still notice anytime it does.

I also think of my dad doing the butterfly. I loved how powerful and strong his shoulders looked as he broke the surface of the pool. Once in a while I think I want to teach myself the butterfly stroke. I try it and almost the moment I start, I remember that there are only a few things in the world that make me look like a bigger dork so I stop and go back to being graceful and beautiful again.

I get out of the pool feeling like I have worked every muscle in my body. I feel completely spent and energized at the same time and every morning I feel very, very lucky.

More honest than I am comfortable being.

Call it wanderlust, discontent, restlessness, immaturity or just plain covetousness; whatever it is, I have been fighting it since the day I was born. I have always had a hard time being happy with where, what, or who I am at the present.

Our friends moved to Abu Dhabi this summer. I want to move to Abu Dhabi! I watched "The Best Thing I Ever Ate". I want to taste a chocolate truffle from that confectioner in Chicago! I just read Liz's blog. I want to make lemonade with lemons from the tree outside my bungalow!

It isn't a very attractive trait, it is ungrateful and selfish and spoiled and when people discover this about me I feel very superficial and small. In some ways this trait has been good because it has made me reach for more and push myself when I don't know that I would have otherwise. Mostly though, it has just made me feel dissatisfied and unhappy and I am sorry about that. It is particularly ugly and unfair when you are my husband and are forever trying to please someone who refuses to be truly happy.

I am saying this now because for the first time in my life I feel content. Yes, I'd love to do all the things I just mentioned but I no longer feel despondent and depressed because I don't get to do those things. Maybe it is because everything I've ever wanted is within my reach now. Maybe it is because I'm 42 and I'm more mature. Maybe it is because I feel like things in my life are in order. I am even willing to admit that it is just because we have a pool in the back yard. Maybe it is a little bit of all of these things.

The other day I was reading about Jordan's trip to Greece. "I want to go to Greece!" I whined. "I know," Paul said, "but in the mean time, how about if I just give you a great life where you have everything you've always wanted and other things you never dreamed of?"

"You already gave me one of those!"

I love you Paul. I'm so glad you're coming home today.

*photo by Speckle Of Dirt

Happy

It has been such a lovely week with Robin here. It is so nice to have her in the house. I adore the woman she is becoming and am so excited to see how things develop over the next two or three years for her.

Pauly leaves for Mexico on Monday. I am happy and anxious for him.

I had a fun birthday, shopping with Robin and celebrating with my family. My favorite gift? An underwater camera. We've been having so much fun with it. Thank you for all the birthday wishes, I was a little overwhelmed.

I am feeling grateful and happy.

Housekeeping

All of the work and energy and money and thought and stress and worry and hope of the last 6 months finally culminated this week as Pauly checked into the MTC and we closed the sale of the house. It has been an extremely emotional week but as those two things finally came to pass and Paul arrived safely in Cambodia, an enormous amount of weight was taken off my shoulders. I really feel like a new woman. I feel great and am ready to get this move done. Geesh! Sometimes I feel like we've been pulling this band-aid off one hair at a time since November.

I have so much on my mind this morning. Everything I am thinking about could have it's own post but I'm not sure if or when I will be able to post over the next two weeks so I am just going to do a little purge.

The Chickens~ I miss the chickens. We gave them away about two weeks ago. Don't get me wrong, they were never pets but I liked the movement in the chicken yard when I look out the window. I liked that when dinner was prepared I could send them the ends of the carrots, the potato peels, the apple cores and nothing went to waste. I miss the eggs whenever we wanted them. I miss the work it made for our children. Outside of our children and Paul's careers, the chickens have been one of the most rewarding and enjoyable endeavors of our marriage. I will be glad when we can do that again.

The House~ The house is sold. The folks who bought it have a big family and are so excited to move in and have chickens and a grow a garden and cook in the huge kitchen. They think Paul's egg boxes are ingenious. They are right, of course. It feels good leaving the house to people who will appreciate it.

Dan~ Daniel had his farewell party last weekend and went to an end of the year dance on Friday. For his party they hooked three XBoxes together and killed zombies for hours and hours. Honestly, these are the easiest parties to give because I don't have to do anything besides make A LOT of food.

For the dance the theme was '80's characters'. He dressed as Luigi from Mario Bros. He had fun. I promised him $1 for every girl he asked to dance. He made $20.

Dan's band concert was this week too. This is just a Jr. high band, I am always suprised at how good they are. Here's a taste.

The Girls~ The girls have been making nonstop friendship bracelets since their cousin Maude posted this tutorial. Gloria sang When Will My Life Begin, from Tangled at her school talent show. She did a great job. This is one girl who is not afraid of the spotlight.

In other little girl news, Sara is wearing her first grownup 'heels' today to church and we ordered bedding for the girls' new room this week.

Paul~ Paul is in Cambodia. He sent me this picture of a woman weaving silk. I hope he brings me some. I love that he will be landing in Phoenix just two hours before we get there two weeks from today.

Thank you~ Thanks to everyone for the encouraging notes and kind words as we sent our boy off on his mission. It has meant a lot to us.

And Me~ I love my new iPhone. My favorite thing? Depositing a check into my checking account while I sat on a bench at the park; that and Tiny Wings. What a incredible time we live get to live in! Also, I got my haircut.

Isn't it cute? I haven't had it this short since we lived in SLC. The girls are getting their summer cuts this week. Well, I guess that is all for now. Have a great couple of weeks.

30 Days From Today

Thirty days from today:

• we will turn over the house keys to the new owners.

• the packers and movers will have come and gone and our household goods will be on the way to Phoenix.

• Pauly will be in the MTC learning Spanish.

• The kid's farewell parties will be done.

• Paul will be on his way home from Cambodia. Ask him how long the flight is.

• the kids will have one more day of school left. Woohoo!

• all our goodbyes will have been said and we should be ready to go.

Right now I am having a hard time seeing past next Thursday which is when Pauly will fly to Phoenix to spend a few days with has dad and to get set apart as a missionary before flying to SLC and checking into the MTC on the 11th.

• Two years feels like a very . long . time.

But I can't think about that right now, instead I am going to sort through these DVDs sitting on the table next to me and decided which ones to put in the garage sale this weekend.

Tell me again why I thought a garage sale was a good idea.

Start Spreading The News!

Oh my goodness! I am so excited. I woke up this morning at 3:00am and started thinking about everything I need to get done before I leave for New York on Saturday, but I'll spare you another list.

I started packing this morning, jackets, scarves and warmer clothes that I won't be needing until I get there. I also packed this kimono. Isn't it beautiful? I'm planning to wear it the day we spend at the Met ~if I have the guts. What do you think? Too much? Not enough?

Either way I am thrilled to be taking this trip. I hope it is the first of many.

Five TV Shows That Are Always Funny To Me

1. News Radio

2. Cheers

3. Malcolm in the Middle

4. Arrested Development

5. As Time Goes By

I am sorry to report that there easily another ten and they are all sitcoms. I don't know what it is but I love 'em.

Why I Love Daylight Savings Time

So did you know I love Daylight Savings Time? Well I do. I know. I know. Lots of people don't like the adjustment. It throws off their body clocks for a week or so. They have to fight to get kids in bed. They lose that hour of sleep. It is one more thing they have to think about. Yes, yes, I've heard all of it, but I still love it.

I'm not exactly sure how to express what I love about it except to say that I like that everyone is doing something at the same time. Acting at the same time. And it is a benign act, nobody is being forced to go to church or eat something or go through a medical procedure. We all just show up to school, the grocery store, the soccer game, etc. an hour earlier or later, depending on the season.

Everyone, at the same time. I find strength in that. There is a special kind of strength and energy in a situation when everyone has a similar objective. I feel that same energy in a huge stadiums, whether I am at a concert or a football game or gathered with other LDS to hear the prophet speak; where the purpose and focus are the same for everyone involved.

It can be happy and fun. It is why I loved being in plays and choirs, or listening to a great band or orchestra. It is why I can't ever get enough of things like this:

or this or this.

It can be noble and honorable. It is why I loved being apart of the military community. People sacrificing and working unbelievably hard for the safety and peace of people they don't even know. You can't imagine the mixture of feelings before a deployment. The pride and fear and duty and excitement and tradition, during a casing ceremony as a division of men prepare to go into harm's way, is almost tangible. At once selfish and selfless, every soldier and family members' hearts and minds are in the same place.

It can be comforting and compassionate. It is why I love being a part of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. People committed to the concepts taught by Jesus Christ in the New Testament, trying to do what is right and finding ways to serve those around them. Extremely organized and wanting to do good, Mormons are especially good in a crisis. It is a beautiful thing to watch members of a ward rally around a family in need. And it is unspeakably moving when yours is the family being served.

It is about working separately and together. It is how I feel when I am driving my children to school. Doing the same dance as hundreds of other families in our community every morning; A careful dance of traffic laws, social rules and bell schedules. Acting separately but working with the same goal of educated children and contributing members of society, parents pack lunches and sign papers and give quick kisses and last minute words of encouragement.

I find a power and hope and community in all of those things.

Robin called me last week:

Robin: Mom, I just realized that Arizona doesn't have Daylight Saving Time and I thought that was really going to bug you.

Me: I knew that and it does but I am trying not to think about it too much. I think I'm just going to write a long boring blog post about it.

My Weekend

Fair blue skies for miles

Longed-for landscape and faces

I am home again

Have a great weekend!

I'm off to see the most interesting man in the world and Phoenix and Becky and Ronnie and the next house we will call our home. I wish my suitcase looked like this.

A Good Sunday

We were so worried about our little Branch when we considered this move. Although we knew they would be just fine without us, we have grown to love these people we have worked with and served with these past 4 years. Part of us felt like we were abandoning them.

Yesterday our stake announced huge boundary changes. The changes were great. The Lindale Branch was swallowed up into the Tyler 2nd ward. I feel so good leaving know that my dear friends will have help to continue their work in this area.

Looking forward, Paul found a great house for us. It has an easy commute for him, great schools for the kids and a swimming pool with a diving board for me. Sadly, it has a green living room but they have already given us permission to paint it. There is a question about who has dibs on this house so keep your fingers crossed for us.

What a good day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

20 years ago when Paul and I were still in Salt Lake City, we went to the Utah Symphony's Night at the Movies. They played dramatic movie clips on a huge screen directly over the musicians as the symphony played the music score, live. Good gracious! It was wonderful! Some of the movie scenes they showed, we were familiar with; North by Northwest and Gone with the Wind, Oh! and the battle scene from Ben Hur, that was cool.

Of course they showed scenes from movies we hadn't seen too and my favorite, by far, was In a Rehearsal Room. So exquisitely beautiful, it made me cry, still does. It satisfies every romantic sensibility my little heart can muster. The exactness of the plucked violin, the harmony and seamlessness of the dancers moving together, the flower in her hair, the shawl hanging on the bar, even the widows are in twos! For heaven's sake, even Cynthia Gregory's name is romantic!

Doesn't she look like she's just stepped out of a Degas painting? The version they showed that night wasn't this short or pink and you can click here for the version we saw, it is even more romantic and wonderful, except that the sound and video quality are terrible.

I looked for a copy of this short film for years I even contacted the Utah Symphony with no luck. Of course, I finally found it on YouTube!

I've been saving it for Valentine's Day. I hope you love it as much as I do.

Wait! one more thing, Happy Valentine's Day my sweetheart. I love that my very happiest memories and experiences always include you.

Everyone's Your Friend in New York City

So my friend Regina and I just bought our tickets to New York in April. I've never been before and I've always wanted to go. Regina's mother grew up in NYC and she has lots of roots there so she's been many times. I'm glad to be seeing the city with someone so familiar.

Here is the list of things I want to do while I'm in New York for the first time:

• Eat NY pizza
• Eat NY bagels with schmear
• Eat at a really nice restaurant
• Eat from some street vendors
• Go to a few shows
• Ground Zero
• The Met
• The Natural History Museum
• The Jewish Genealogical Library
• Time Square

If I could fit all that in I would be thrilled. Anything I'm missing?

My six (or maybe seven) words.

I find the idea of six word stories captivating. Whenever I am reminded of them the wheels in my mind starts spinning. What stories could I tell? Is there one story that defines me? How do I say what I want to say? I try and try to come up with the words but I can't ever seem to do it in just six. Not a lot of brevity in this girl.

I am currently reading The Strangeness of Beauty by Lydia Minatoya. I'm about halfway through and I've really enjoyed it so far. But there was a sentence a couple chapters back that I just can't get out of my head. Even though they are Ms. Minatoya's words, I think I found my six word story!

"In my breast, curiosity battled with trepidation."

It's perfect except, I know. I know. It's seven words but I think the sentence is just as good without the "with". What do you think? I think it sums up my thoughts and feelings for a good part of my life. My desire to do what's right, to create, to be happy is in constant competition with my fear of failure and wasted resources and energy. My favorite word in that sentence is battled.

So now I have to ask myself, does this have to continue to be my story? What if instead, it was something like:

Curiosity overcame trepidation at every turn.

I think I like that better and it's only six words!

Clean

So I can clean the dickens out of my house but keeping it clean is another story. I am the worst about letting clutter collect; a stack of papers on the counter, the plate we need to return to the neighbors on the entry table for weeks, the egg crusher from Dan's project that I don't want to throw away but that doesn't have a place. That stupid egg crusher, it sits there on the shelf sticking it's tongue out at me every time I go by, along with 1006 other singular objects, waiting for me to decide what to do with them. Yuck!

Whenever we move, there is a time between getting ready for the movers and the movers arriving that we live simply in an uncluttered space. There are very few toys, I stay on top of papers that need sorting, the laundry is minimal and the upkeep of the house is easy. I like it.

We are there right now. Every drawer and closet has been cleaned out. Every stack of papers has been sorted and taken care of. Anything we don't need for the next 3 months has been boxed up and put in the attic. All those tasks that I hate but are always nagging me, are done and it feels so good.

Until the house sells we have to keep the house perfectly clean and ready to show. That sounded like a daunting and for me, a pretty unlikely task but we have been doing it for a week and so far, so good.

So now I keep wondering if it is possible to always live like this. Is it unrealistic with this many moving pieces to keep order or does it just take some discipline? Is this something that is just unrealistic for me, I am a notoriously bad time manager, or is this something I can master?

Every time we move, I am determined to be more organized and simplify but I always fall back into my same old habits, running from one project/activity to the next. This time however, we are moving few people. We don't have any preschoolers or babies. Maybe a few months of being forced to live like this will teach me a few things. Maybe I am in a perfect place to really learn some new habits. Wish me luck!

By the way, the egg crusher? It broke while we were cleaning out and packing. I ended up throwing it away without a thought. Lesson learned? We'll see.