Quote of the Day, #1

Me: "I give up. I really have no clue about men anymore."
Funny Male Blogger Friend: "We are all different. Like snowflakes. Or nipples."
Me: "Ah huh. That's very deep [his name]. I hope one day I will be able to catch a snowflake on my tongue."
Funny Male Blogger Friend: "I feel the same way about nipples."

The Last Supper

Tomorrow morning I'm getting my braces on.

Tonight I wanted to go crazy for my "last supper" so I could enjoy all these foods I'm not going to be able to eat for a FEW YEARS! Like poutine...Mmmmm...

I was heading over to my Nan's to help her with some chores and told her not to make supper, as I was bringing something delicious. She'd already had a pork chop dinner in the works. "But Nan, I wanted something good," I said.

Oops. I didn't mean it like that.

So then I felt guilty and agreed to eat the pork chops. That was my last supper. Of great substance anyway.

What bothers me the most is how girls keep telling me how braces will be a great way to lose weight. Uh huh. I don't want to lose weight. Any thinner and I'd make Nicole Ritchie look fat.

But seriously...I'm super stressed right now about my impending dental fusion with metal. I'll be ok after that initial mirror reveal, but until then, pray for me :)

Brace Yourself

This is Cindy. Cindy Crawford. See how happy she looks! Heck, there's even a sparkle in her smile.

It's almost as if she's glad to be wearing braces. Ofcourse, she's probably only 16 in this photo. And it's quite natural for a 16 year old to be wearing braces, and be happy about all the nice things that braces will do for them. I wonder if anyone ever called Cindy Crawford "metal mouth". Probably not.

At 30 (plus 7 and 3/4 months) I am about to get my very own set of hardware. I am not comforted by the fact that Cindy Crawford can make even braces look delightful. I am not Cindy Crawford. And I am not 16.

There are pros and cons to getting them and not getting them. It's definately not for superficial reasons. There are alternatives (like capping all my teeth) but that doesn't sound like something I'd like to have done, even though it is very "in" in Hollywood.

I have questions that I know my dentist can answer, like is pizza in or out? Can I have the clear kind or is it strickly silver for me. And how far can those little elastic thingys shoot?

I wonder what certain things will be like, things that I'm not going to be asking my dentist about, like is kissing going to be weird or painful, or weird and painful? And will I be avoided by men everywhere like some sort of dental leper. Etc, etc.

I have nightmares about my braces getting caught on obscure and ordinary things like tongue rings, chest hair and couches. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking.

Pity Party - table for one?

I'm reminded of the phrase often used by an esteemed colleague that seems quite fitting in this case, "Suck it up!"

Thsssexy Like Cindy Brady

Yessterday was D day. No, not THAT D day. The other one...the day I went to the dentisth. And, no that was not a sspelling error. Neither wass that.

My brand sspanking new sshiney plastic and wire oral applicancess has given me a lisp. Yess folks, I'm the proud owner of my very own sspeech impediment. Ssuper.

It's alsso made people not want to ssthand in front of me when I sspeak, probably due to the exsthreme amount of ssalvia I'm creating and ssubssequently projecting.

I desided to write thiss blog exsactly as I would ssay it. Which is quite hard come to think of it so I'll stop now.

In addition to my new hardware, I'm also consuming a bevy of vitamins and muscle relaxers. So at least now I'm somewhat calm about my lisp. In fact, I'm so relaxed it's slowing down my typing quite a bit. See how slow that was?

It's not just the drugs that are affecting me though. People are treating me differently. My coworkers think my new way of speaking is "cute" and "adorable" like Cindy Brady. Sure, Cindy might have been cute till she opened her mouth, then she was just plain ****ing annoying. I'm not a snitcher, I just tell it like it is!

Strangers just stare at me with this look. You know the one...big sympathic eyes, tilted head to the right. Yeah, like that one you're doing right now. It's given me a new appreciation for speech imperfections. My dentist assures me it will go away. When it does, and I meet someone who still has their speech impediment, I won't point and laugh at the dorks like I used to. No, I'll give them a hug and say, "Some day, some one will love you, you dork."

For me, it's not just about the variation of speech in my effort to realign my jaw. I can't eat anything hard. Actually, even soft things are challenging. It took me 60 minutes to eat 3/4 of a biscuit because you can't chew, but just mush things with your tongue. Possible side-effect: unplanned weight loss.

I guess I'll have to add "Realign Jaw" to my list. Unless ofcourse, I missed the episode where Cindy Brady gets asked out on a date. Then again, she was only ten on the show. But still. In the words of Cindy, "I'm cool but no boy ever calls me for a soda." You said it Cindy, you said it.