Dear Receptionists,

I want to thank you for your smiles as I checked into your office this morning. You have no idea how I anticipated your reaction to me and my children. Thank you for telling me how beautiful my daughters are. What you don't know is that this week has been full of unsolicited disrespectful parenting advice from black women in random stores. Oh how we needed your warm reception of us. Thank you for telling me you love their hair and that I do a good job taking care of their curls. What you don't know is that this does just as much for my girls to be accepted by other African Americans as it does for their white mama. You could've just as easily just stared at us and talked about us when we left...but you didn't. You had the heart to talk to me about this rather taboo topic... white parents raising black children. I need you to know how you fed my soul today.

In this sinful world where young black boys are being murdered and their killers claim self defense and walk, and where black people are rude to me because they disapprove...I cannot help but constantly plead that Jesus carry us through. I live for Jesus alone. I don't have to worry about others approval...but I sure do want it for my kids. Sweet receptionists, I need you to know that your smiles, gentle hearts and encouraging words gave me great hope that we in fact are moving forward.

OH my

Wow. I feel like a million things have happened in only 3 weeks.

We've had a lot of giggles and a couple really awkward moments.

Here is a run down.

• Nanny at the park asked me how all my kids were different shades. I do my best to just ignore such silly remarks. But then continued on with "they must all have different dads". Really lady. Really?
  
  


• Dude at the pool when I strolled in with my 4. "That's interesting." To which 8 people turned our direction to look us over. Needless to say, we didn't stay long.




• Lady from Louisiana at the aquarium asks my MIL in a southern drawl, "So are y'all babysittin?" To which our Gigi replied, "Nope. They're ours."




• Went to pick up Emme from nursery and they couldn't find her. At what point should I tell new people that my child is chocolate? They were searching for a peach Emery. I kept describing her dress and giving them her number, and looking for her from the door. Phew. She was easily found when I mentioned she was black.




• A little girl in the sandbox told her grandma that Emery was lost (she was about 15 feet from me in the sand). Her grandma nicely explained that I was her mommy.
  
  


• Found a new church that we loved! It's really diverse and a straight shot from our apartment (nothing is a straight shot here).
  
  


• Met our teachers at school and found our new classes. I haven't broken the news to Owen that he has to wear a uniform. The dude does not enjoy "church clothes" as he calls them.

• Our new neighbors baked the kids cupcakes to welcome us! They were gone in 6 seconds flat.
  
  


• We found a new pediatrician! We are so thankful and we love her already. She did her residency at OU, small world! It's pretty fabulous to have an AA doctor. She was recommending things for Emme's slightly dry skin that I never would've tried. AND they sell hair care products at their office. We hit the jackpot!





• I drove on the highway all by myself to get to the pediatrician. Big accomplishment. I have only filled up the car once (1/2 tank) in 3 weeks. It's nuts here people! This mama isn't driving alone unless I have to.





• While on the phone with peds office to register kids I was asked what race Cooper was. I told them he was biracial, both Caucasian and AA. She told me she could only enter one race and that she would enter the primary insured, so what race was his father? Well, his father's white. She continued to register Emme, asked if the info was the same. I said all but race, she again told me that head of house would be entered. What? So since my husband's white we have to register my kids as white. What the? I explained. She didn't seem to care. Needless to say we got it straightened out in person ;o)





• Gigi came and stayed for a week!!!! We had so much fun exploring new places around town. We also found ourselves scratching our heads when the GPS didn't know certain intersections existed. I might have headed down a street in the wrong direction. Yikes.

• And my new camera charger came in today and is currently charging so I will have pics to post soon!!! I am too scerred to post pics from my iphone on here for fear of any weirdos out there that might try and find my kiddos.

I've been waiting to share...

While we were in Aspen, one of my precious friends posted something interesting on FB. I commented on what it was, long story short, she invited us to church with her family for this special weekend...United in Christ.

I find it hard to put into words what it felt like sitting on a pew next to these dear friends and being a part of something that seemed historical to me. Their church (very diverse, but mostly white) has partnered with another church in our city that is all black for these special events, both churches are Church of Christ. This friend thought of our family as she worshipped with this church in March. It was amazing to be a part of something so wonderful. It was incredible to hear Christians talk candidly about a subject that is taboo. Why are churches, of all places, still rather racially divided?

So of course Blake was out of town and couldn't come, but I loaded up the munchkins and was so excited to see what God had planned. There was a great attendance, and it was beautiful to see all of these families aisle after aisle coming to worship together. Cooper couldn't contain his excitement in so many brown faces like his. He was turned around and pointing, "Mom, look at that brown guy with hair like mine!" over and over again. I had to remind him how it feels to be pointed at. Totally pitted out my shirt.

The music gave me chills. It was just gorgeous. I really enjoyed there being no instruments; I had never been to a Church of Christ service and it was amazing. Although this Baptist-raised-girl had a hard time keeping her booty on the pew and not clapping after every song! Sit.down.sister.

It got me SO excited for Atlanta and visiting more churches that resemble the kids. The next day we headed to Tulsa and I was sharing with my daddy about church and the incredible message it sent. I just couldn't get over the music!!! He asked me if I had ever seen this video below. Get ready, I couldn't contain my tears. Try and visualize what he is singing if you can.




I already checked...he pastors a church in Florida. Bummer!

Book Review

Emery's late feeding...she was bright eyed and bushy tailed....her mommy and daddy weren't but we just couldn't get past that grin.

We did projects for GroundHogs Day. Both the boys predicted that he would not see his shadow and I couldn't get them to watch the news with me to find out if he did. Happy Groundhogs Day...does anyone know?

Doing our school work and they are loving it!

Owen and Cooper being the camera man.

Well, that makes for an interesting title. Makes you wanna read on, huh?

I think in an attempt to get your attention and not give you so much info about the book that you wouldn't read it, I was very vague about Black Baby White Hands when I first talked about it.

I know, I have serious control issues, right?

Why not just suggest the book and tell you why I liked it? Because I am controlling that's why. I know...I need recovery.

It is a horribly hard book to read. In all honesty if my dear friend who I trust with these difficult issues had not told me, "Molly you will want to put it down. But just keep going. Read it from front to back." I know I would have stopped reading. In fact, it's why I never read it when I heard about it years ago. And it did take me a full 2 weeks to read. It's heavy stuff.

As I read the book and really opened my mind up to trusting the author, it became so clear to me how off I was in my views on transracial adoption, racism and prejudice.

Let me be clear...I do not think transracial adoption is wrong. Quite frankly, if we don't allow this/encourage this, I can't think of what other options there are. Would it be better for black children to go to foster care than be placed with parents of a different race? So this is not at all what I am saying. Transracial adoption is what we CHOSE...and if we had it to do all over again, we would do nothing different.

But what I loved about the book was that the author talked about what would have helped him. It gives us parents a much better understanding of how this must feel. He goes into great detail describing his heart and emotions...he reminds me so much of one of my children and I know that it is why I so appreciated his words.

Someone commented that their children have never had issues with this. WONDERFUL! I think that's fantastic, but some of mine have and I am so glad I now feel a little bit better prepared. I don't think that all of mine will, but heck, you just never know. What I am thankful for was that my kiddos felt okay sharing with me their heart and their hurt.

Someone commented about how to handle if your child is doing the staring... Perfect way to handle it; just talk to them about how God made everyone different and beautiful. And please let me point out that my kids do their fair share of staring. Especially at all brown families. How funny is that? They so wish Blake and I were black. Staring is something that happens and sometimes it's like watching a car wreck...you just can't not look. Whether it's because you think we are cool or that we have a beautiful family or because Cooper has a booger...it happens. Just do your best to minimize it and remember that just because you are interested doesn't make it right to ask questions.

Yep, you read that right. No questions at all. Just like I don't ask you if your kids are your step-kids, please don't ask if mine are "real" sisters/brothers. Just like I don't ask how your child came out of your body, don't ask me "where I got them". Just like I don't ask you how much your c-section or epidural costs, don't ask me how much adoption costs. Just like I don't ask you how long you were in labor with your 6 year old, don't ask me if my children are foster kids or how long I waited for them. You get the gist...if we are just meeting in the line at the grocery store or at the zoo or waiting to be seen at the doctor...you don't need to know my kids' stories. Shoot...they don't even fully know them yet. The kids may stare but its usually the parents that make it worse.

If you really want to know, you can email me or call me or come to Chosen. Heck, you could even scoot close to me and whisper your questions. And if we are good friends, you already know these things and chances are I told you when I wanted you to know the details....just like when you told me you only pushed three times for Johnny's delivery ;) But for Pete's sake DO NOT ASK THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF MY KIDS!!!!

Now, the funny thing about this is that the people I really want/need to hear this are not reading this blog. Shoot. All of you reading this have most likely never said something off hand. And if ya did, I knew your heart. It's all those random strangers out in public. Oh and what is it about church and Oklahoma?

I digress...back to my dudes...the great thing that I have noticed when these moments come up with my kids is that they are usually pretty quick and passing. It's not like they go around moping all day or can't quit thinking about it (at least from what I can gather). They seem to want to quit talking about it before I am done mulling it over. We'll see if/how that changes over the years.

The thing I couldn't get over about this book was how well he articulated his feelings and how he described exact things that I had thought. I do hope you will read it.

Again, thanks for your encouragement. Like any good control freak, I didn't want you to think that our kids are having a horribly hard time. So I had to respond. Dear God I do need recovery.

Hair stuff and more

These are some pics I found from my mom's camera this week. I about died when I saw this and remembered how tiny sis was. These are some of the few that really show her size. Can't believe she is 6 months old and in the 50 percentile!

So...I am not sure if I am annoying you or not, but this is my blog after all and darn it...this book is good.

I will say it again....please read it. I've changed my stance though, even if you know not a single soul that has adopted transracially, you should still read this. If you are white, read it.

I've had a lot of conversations about race, racism and prejudice with so many people over the last 6+ years....that's why I am saying this. We all need this.

I am just shocked at how eye opening this has been. Black Baby White Hands has taught me so much and I am forever indebted to this man that so courageously wrote his story.

And for the hair title...another friend who has adopted pointed out these sites for hair care and WHOA! I'd better get to practicing, huh? I got nothing on these ladies...just look at Sadie's puffs.

www.keepmecurly.com

www.beadsbraidsbeyond.blogspot.com

Happy New Year everyone! Watch for a post later this week for pics of Emery's finalization!

Woot woot, we'll finally be complete...The Shockley 6! Sounds fabulous, huh?

Black Baby White Hands

If you haven't read this...please do.

Even if you are not or will not adopt transracially, please read it!

I felt extremely well educated and prepared about transracial adoption through our incredible agency.

This book has rocked my world in so many ways.

I could go on and on.

I have learned I have said the wrong things already to my kids. **sigh**

I have learned that this is so much bigger than I ever could wrap my head and heart around.

It has shown me that, yet again, my God is the only one that can carry our children through this journey...and He's CHOSEN Blake and I to walk this with them.

I am so thankful this book has given me such priceless insight into a world that is often not spoken about.

I beg you, if you have a relationship with my children, please read this. Please.

I wish I had read it sooner.

Fruit Loops

You might have noticed some gaps in my posts.

Maybe not.

Blake has had to take the laptop with him on his interviews, so not only was I without him these last 4 days....I was without Internet. Wha?

Funny how much time I spend reading all your blogs and facebook stuff. A little embarrassing really. Let's just say I made some great progress on packing, and I enjoyed the cable! Yikes, did I just admit that?

So here are some random pics from the last couple of days.

Only 6 sleepies until Gigi and Papa get here to load us up and 7 until we'll be HOME!

Guess who's home? Praise the Lord that Blake's flight got to land. They were circling for quite some time waiting for the snow to let up so they could land!!!

Is this not a beautiful sight? The boys are back behind that tree...but I just love the look of trees covered in snow... We are so blessed!

As we were waiting for the plane to land, the kids got a little stir crazy so we just went out and played in the snow. As you might imagine the kids attract alot of attention and one worker just offered to take a pic of Sadie and I.

Owen catching snow on his tongue and Sadie just laying in it!

Sadie sporting her 5 puff balls. I know this seems silly, but I've been dying to get more puffs up there. And in almost 17 months, this is all we've got! Aren't they cute?

This is a Christmas picture that we've had in our kitchen to help with all of the white walls. So this is one of our friends Turner...look what happened next!

Owen actually took this one of Sadie and I coloring. Not bad!

Oops! Someone got a little out of the lines I would say!

My pics are all messed up! Sorry! But this one is so fun! I vividly remember my sisters pulling me around on a sleeping bag, so when the kids started this I about cried. They were having a ball!

Cooper wanted me to take a pic of the ice sculpture, but I made him get next to it. There are tons of these around town. It was a contest last weekend where huge blocks of snow were all sculpted and then judged. This was the favorite of the boys!

Oh, and the title...

This morning while Owen was eating a highly nutritious breakfast of fruit loops he said, "Mom, do you know why I love fruit loops so much?" I said no having no idea what he was about to say. He replied, "Because it reminds me of all of the colors in our family that I love."

Oh man. My heart and face lit up. I know that the road of race will only get harder as our children age, but I LOVE that Owen verbalized that he loves our colors. I pray that this foundation of love, acceptance, and appreciation of differences forms strong, courageous, and balanced children of God.

I like it buddy. We are fruit loops!

Transracial Parenting Workshop #2

On Saturday our agency offered another transracial parenting workshop.

It was INCREDIBLE! If you are new here, you can catch the discussion that followed from the first workshop here. Also, these workshops are open to anyone, not just those who've adopted through our agency. I highly encourage any family to come to these (post-placement) as I have learned so much!

There was a panel of people touched by transracial adoption. A couple who adopted their 4 children 15 years ago, 3 of whom are biracial, and two adults (Sarah and Patrick) who were adopted transracially 30 some years ago. There was also a woman who has a transracial family (through an inter-racial marriage, not adoption) on the panel. Don't you love all this lingo???

It was so good to hear from families that have been through what we are going through. It was wonderful to see these two incredible adults THRIVE out of transracial adoption. Seriously, if our kids turn out like these two...we'd do cartwheels! They are such neat people that really embraced what their parents told them growing up....race is a part of who they are, but it is not who they are.

Sarah and Patrick both encouraged us to teach our children not to define themselves by race, but by our faith, personality, humor, intelligence, integrity, etc. It was so cool to hear them talk about some of the struggles they faced growing up, but that's all they were...struggles. Just like all of us face. Patrick talked about how he just didn't give it attention...he didn't have time for it. I love this. We can all decide what we will let affect us, and he chose to not let others opinions matter. He simply decided to shrug it off.

The couple that is currently raising teenagers was sharing some of the issues their kids are facing because of race. It was a good and gentle reminder of how our kids may all handle this differently, but I am SO glad they have each other to walk through this with. There may be things they don't feel they can discuss with us, and that's okay. I praise God for giving them siblings to share this with. That seems to have really helped this family.

Sarah shared about hair care and again it was so much fun to learn new tips from the group! I learned a new word...peppercorn (also known as a beebee?). Those are those little balls at the end of Cooper's and Sadie's hair that are tight tangles. Evidently I need to quit trying to comb them out of Sadie's hair and just cut them off like I did with Cooper's hair recently. We talked about new products and stuff to try. She highly recommended Carol's Daughter products so I am going to have to get some for sissy. We discussed silk wraps and pillow cases, conditioner and eczema...I am telling you it was GOOD STUFF!!!

I left this workshop feeling very encouraged and not as heavy as I did last time. Maybe it's because I prepared myself emotionally for the topic to be hard to hear. I think more than anything it was so good to meet these families and see that this was not going to be an uphill battle and an everyday issue unless we choose for it to be that. This is going to be a balancing act of trying to keep our little world diverse so that our children see people everywhere that are multicultural, but yet not giving race more attention than it deserves.

God keeps reminding me that we are all created in His image. This is what we will focus on in our family, being more like Him. God has given me the most incredible blessings in my family and a love that is so intense that I am constantly on the verge of tears. My children bring me the most amazing joy (see pictures below). I will not let anyone steal that joy. I will not let race issues, which is not of God, steal my joy or take my focus off of Him and His incredible blessings.

Trans-racial parenting workshop

We finally got a picture of Sadie and Turner together! They allowed kids 6 months and younger to attend.

As you can see, Sadie couldn't take her eyes off this handsome little guy! They are about 5 weeks apart...isn't that right Chassidy?

I want to share how much we loved the workshop yesterday, but in saying that I did leave there with a heavy heart.

I was so glad the morning ended with hair care because it lifted the mood for me!

Boy did we learn a TON of new stuff about hair care! The stylist that came and talked to us was excellent. She answered so many questions for us and I know saved me from buying some silly stuff for my kids' hair.

I wish I could sit down and write out everything that was covered about hair, but I couldn't possibly.

The things I loved the best were that just like all white hair is different and we can't use the same products...so is African American hair. There's really not one product that will fit all hair types! Makes me feel better about trying 100 different products on the boys! She also answered questions about swimming and shampooing...I could go on and on!

So, I went to the store and bought some satin wraps for the boys to sleep in. We'll see if they actually keep them on, but they loved the idea that DeMarco Murray and Gerald McCoy might just wear the same caps to sleep in!
Please don't worry, I am not going to put this on her to sleep in! The boys just wanted her to try it on!

So, if you need a good stylist, here you go! Get this, she is a multi-racial stylist and has worked on just about every kind of hair! Her name is Shiron Bullock at Evolution Salon (walk-ins are welcome)! Let me know if you want her contact info and I'd be glad to share!

The "heavy" part of the morning was the reality that there still is a lot of racism that goes on today.

It's not something that we have had to face, and something that Blake and I are blessed that our families never had issues with (I mean no one is racist).

So it's so hard to hear that parents still teach their kids ugly things about skin color, as if it's anything more than just skin.

Blake and I desperately want to be prepared for when our children are met with hatred about race.

We want to teach them, as we would with any other obstacle, to cling to their relationship with Christ. We do not want to live our lives in fear of racism, or always looking out for it, like we're on guard.

But we do want to understand that it is hard for our kids being raised by parents who don't look the same.

Honestly, it's a real struggle on how to balance these two things... We want them to have relationships with others that look like them, but we also want them to understand that looks are not WHO THEY ARE.

We are Christians and we want our family to be identified by and in Christ alone.

Hearing stories yesterday about how racism is hitting these children made me sick to my stomach just thinking of O, Cooper or Sis having to deal with it. But it also brought to mind a story that I hide in my mind and heart because it's incredibly embarrassing.

I want to share because it's true.

I want to share it because it helps to remind me of the reality of kids and humans.

I want to share because I came from a very loving, graceful, Christ-centered home.

So here goes...

I told a girl on the bus one day that she couldn't come to my birthday party because she was Jewish and didn't love my God! Yep, sure did. I was probably 5 or 6.

I went home and I guess told my mom, who was horrified (do you remember this mom?)!

Let me tell you that my parents have NEVER uttered a negative word about anyone of differing beliefs or race and certainly would not have spoken of leaving them out of something.

I have no idea where this came from besides I knew that I wanted everyone to love my God and perhaps this would convince her? I think I didn't quite understand God's message of "out of LOVE" at this point!

My mom immediately drove me to this poor girl's home and I apologized and invited her to my party. It was no surprise that she didn't join us.

It makes me want to die thinking of that and how I made her feel. I can't imagine what her mom felt or what she told her mom and what they thought about my family and Christians as a whole!

I am sharing because I know our kids' hearts can be broken for a million reasons...

I grew up worrying that people would make fun of me for my diabetes.

Some did. And it hurt and I cried.

I was made fun of for being a Christian and was called a Bible-banger.

Wonder if that girl on the bus started that one?

I was dorky, not really too cute and was awkward around guys.

I know I made fun of people as a child and I know I hurt people's feelings.

My point is that this is just life...being judged and left out at times.

I want my focus in parenting to be about accepting others and loving others because WE ALL ARE DIFFERENT! Hatred and judgement exist in so many other areas outside of race!

We all are different and we all are THE SAME!

We all were made in God's image.

We all should be here striving to be like HIM and to love like Him.

I don't want to start making life about race.

My life has never been that way. Never did my parents talk about being white or Caucasian.

I know that because we are raising kids that are of different race, we have to do things differently.

And we are. But how far do we go?

I know that because I am white, I haven't experienced race issues like some have...but I have none-the-less experienced being judged because of my skin.

But, I think there's a fine line of where we make it a bigger deal than it needs to be, just in trying to prove it's not an issue.

I want to always spend more time talking with my kids about Christ and being like Christ.

So, all ye readers...please share with me.

Give me your insight in LOVE (I am not afraid to delete your comment if it is hateful!).

Teach me how you handle these things with your kids!

I don't like begging for comments, but guys...my heart was so heavy leaving yesterday wondering how we were going to take on this race battle.

I don't want to have my head buried in the sand here...so I am asking you to share.

If you have adopted trans-racially, have a trans-racial family, are a minority or have experienced racism...I beg you to help me know what to do here!

If you are a friend or family and just want to give wisdom or insight...please do! You know I am a words girl and I need some guidance here.

How do you handle this without causing more segregation or actually making race a big deal?

I hear God whispering to me to keep my eyes on Him and He will guide us as always.

I am ending with Cooper's favorite song right now...

Jesus loves the little children,

All the children of the world.

Red and yellow,

Black, brown, white.

They are precious in his sight!

Jesus loves the little children of the world!