spring

hints of green weighing the branches down, waving quietly outside the window. grass spotted with little white flowers, like scattered snow that never melts away, that will last till autumn comes. and the sun hangs high above caressing everything gently, like a mother's hug, like that comfort pat on the shoulder. the air is crisp and fresh and smell like spring - if it had a smell - but winter has not gone for long yet, not in this country where it leaves a trail of itself until it returns again, as if it had been pushed out of its rightful place, as if it resented the idea of changing seasons, as if it was overly possessive. or spring could be a facade, a mask, a play, an act, an illusion something not real, something that is nothing but false pretense, something to cover up that coldness, something that create hope and joy so to break them down again, something that makes people forget about their mistakes so that they'd do it again, something. really. it never really changes, only deliberately coalesces with our lives, and slowly we get used to it until we never know it is there anymore, until it becomes a habit, until it becomes who we are, until it makes us who we are. it's not really spring is it? there are times when the mask is not tight enough and it slips off a bit and the temperature drops and the shrilling wind carries the cold past and hit us in our faces; or like the sharp edges and corner of the glass table that we forget about until we kick it again; the impact hard enough to remind that winter is still here and it never really leaves.

that is, unless you fly back home.

hello!

a many thousand things have happened since i last wrote and for the past twenty minutes or so, i've been staring at this big block of white with the thin line appearing and disappearing incessantly. there are so many things i'd like to say at so many moments for the past year but i never had an idea of how to rather than where to begin with and this procrastination has taken its toll on me, with all these incidents now building up into this big ball of stories and emotions jumbled up inside my head. writing and keeping a record of this now feels strange to me, printing out images from my head into these characters, these words and occasionally looking up for a flamboyant word or phrase to show that i've not lose the touch to write. or maybe i already have. but for the past year or so i've been continuously asking myself through and through why do i write and what do i write about? i do not find it necessary to express my feelings in words anymore, not when now i have someone to share with; neither do i find an urge to translate images or that precise moment of life into words, not when now i do have a camera that will do the job for me; neither do i require to channel my wild imaginations of sorts on to this online platform, not when i am able to do it through producing videos. so, what really do i write about? 

i miss writing, this whole package of creativity bundled in words sleepless nights soft music in the earphones as well as that occasional cup of coffee and ten exact pieces of crackers - no more no less - and the silence of the streets that hums through the window in my room. i miss this tranquility when i write when i think of the next appropriate word to match the former when i pour out everything inside me and rearrange them into words and it feels like being immersed in deep waters and the moon rays dive through the waters and everything is still and silent and i have all the time i need in my pocket. it is like a time machine that connects all the emotions the memories of the past the present and the future every time i write. the same feeling that runs through my body and calming all my nerves and muscles telling them that everything's fine. then again, today i did not begin with the intention of writing about this and i digressed but the feeling's there again once more that feeling of tranquility there calmly flowing through my body and then i remember why i once loved writing and then it all comes down to the same question again:

what do i want to write about? 

welcome to the refuse room

where you are allowed to say no to anyone. children upon entering are allowed to say no to vegetables they don't like, to say no to classes they don't want to go, to say no to school, to say no to homework, to say no to curfew, to say no to punishment of any sort, to say no to sleeping earlier. grown ups upon entering are allowed to say no to any family/relationship obligations thrown at them, allowed to say no to questions which people expect a yes as an answer, allowed to say no when they feel like being mean and really really rude, allowed to say no to the confinement of this society the chains and barriers that hold them back from what they really want to be, allowed to say no and disregard of how the others feel, allowed to say no to those in power-disobeying direct orders, allowed to say no whenever they feel like it and allowed to not pretend and put on a smile that they don't mean it, allowed to say no to things that are not in their favor and make a big fuss out of it, allowed to say no to anything, everything and allowed to become a child once more when throwing tantrums and saying no is a privilege. 

2012

the morning breeze slither through the window grills pushing gently on the curtains and somewhere out there, the rumbling sound of a motorcycle engine which resists to be turned on and all the dreams scatter and run away into the dark. it is on days like these -days that i do not have to wake up to the phone alarm, a favorite song back then ten years ago- that i am grateful that i have enough sleep and that i have a feeling that today will be a good day. there's this spark of joy firing up the reactors within me as i push away the blankets get down from bed and run down the stairs and skipping a few steps just for good measure.

the phone rings and there's the reminder for an assignment due tomorrow and then all the other whatineedtodos come rushing and barging and darting in at once. today i shall procrastinate like any other day and indulge myself in this warm bath of sunlight and the neighborhood orchestra- a blend of chatters and engines and life- and pretend to be a king in this little fortress of mine, with walls of papers and books, right in front of the laptop. lecture starts at 130 and i have a feeling that i might be late. but it's alright because i have a feeling that it's going to be a good day.

Orientation

has it only been three weeks? three weeks since I introduced myself in front of a bunch of juniors in that small crappy room like a failed job interview despite the infinite times I ran through the introduction in my mind during lectures earlier that morning. i was looking at a group of blank and lost faces who stared back at me and laughed dryly at the jokes I tried to crack and thinking to myself that they must be thinking to themselves who the fuck is this.

but now.

it only seemed like a few moments ago that i was cheering screaming laughing pelvic thrusting with them and there were many times I wished I were with them instead of getting stuck in a room with a woman that read so slow the dinosaurs relived and became fossils again or in a hall where the only thing I see on the screen is all their faces, all enthusiastic and looking ready and set to do something exciting. i must admit that i did dreamt of them. then again, it felt like I was going through orientation all over again. it definitely did not feel like three weeks to me. it only felt like a day and yet, like we have been friends for so long. they were so real, free of false pretenses and had nothing to hide. i wonder at times that if the wall that I had around me still stands as firm as strong as rigid as it used to be. then I realize that there must have been a crack somewhere and something must have seeped through.

here's to new friends and unexpected friendships.

On death #1

death arrives today.

like any other day, the sky is a faint blue with puff of white clouds hovering within. the trees are green and lively, the birds singing that same ole' song in that monotonous chirp. the blooming flowers are radiant and there is a gentle breeze that sweeps across the grass like how you ruffle a boy's hair. and there's nothing amiss about the urgent ringing of the phone because today is like any other day.

death strikes today.

into the hearts of those who loved the dead-like a hammer's blow-shattering the strongest defenses. and like a running tap, the tears flow and hang loosely by the sides of the chin. they sway, shake and the droplets give in to gravity. silent screams of protest echo in the hearts. the denial of fact is useless- what good is it to reviving the dead?- but nevertheless, they shout to the dead and bid farewell.

few days after the celebration of a coming of age and now the mourning of death. how ironic. how fucking ironic.

today

feels like a nightmare. it still haunts me at the thought of it. i take all that comes after. being nice to me is like stabbing me in the heart. so don't. saying i tried my best is definitely one of the worst excuses of the time. so don't either. i know what i am capable of and my best, call me proud or call me boastful but my best is definitely not this. and the hand that laid on my shoulder, the hand felt like hot iron burning through my skin. the words they said felt like needles pricking on my heart. i see, i hear and i feel the disappointment. despite how they say it's alright, i know it's not. i bring shame to them more than i do to myself. i try to sleep but there is a throbbing pain in my head that hammers again the skull. i remember someone said that if one does not have the qualifications, then he does not have the right to pursue his own dreams. that line, like an echo, races through my mind again and again. how true of that.

the least expected often barge into your life like a lightning strike. a contact of what? 2, 3 seconds? and the aftershock is hard to recover from. i heard what had become true today as a joke few weeks before. the joke being that the confidence i showed was merely because i thought i was right when i was not. turns out that the joke that i had laughed at became something i am crying over. what a joke it was. i thought of death. and i thought of hiding away. but where i do not know. my friend tells me to face the facts. i know, why would i not? i would definitely say the same thing to someone like me. but somehow i couldn't do it. they still talk to me like nothing happened. they still text me like everything's alright. i can't look them in the face and here, i apologize to everyone for everything.

a very simple conversation or a simple gesture of goodwill now becomes the most painful thing ever. i can't get myself over with this and this definitely feels like the end of the world to me. until i feel better again, don't comfort me.

Hahas, lols and bais.

and it is on days like these - boring days when the little boxes next to the people i want to talk to ain't green and i get to entertain myself by strumming endlessly on the same guitar chords for hours or replaying a video of me lip syncing on ipod and laugh blankly- that i come to realize i don't have that many friends as i might seem to have(which sounds pretty impossible if according to the number of friends i have on social websites). oh wait. a second look at the contact list and then there's this one friend that i have not been talking to for how long again? i clicked and the conversation window with the once familiar background comes in sight. i run my fingers across the 26 keys and i didn't know which one to start with. i hesitated and closed the window. what is there to talk about after asking howdoyoudo and finethankyou? haha, lol and bai? i suck at conversations and coming up with topics to brag on without preparation. in other words, i suck at maintaining friendship, relationships and blablablacksheeps wtfiknow. the only people i go out with nowadays are the few people that are ultimately close to me. either they had been there with me since primary school or they had bathed with me together or wrestled me on the floor or slept with me in my bedroom or many other little things that still puts a smile to my face whenever i think of them. it's not that [ somerandomyou ] can't make me smile but somehow i had built walls around me since the last relationship. after all, you only get hurt from the people closest to you, no? anyway, i digressed.

despite me telling myself all these and to perhaps, stop shutting myself in, i still can't guarantee you that you won't get haha, lol and bai from me the next time. at least, i promise i'd make myself sound a little more enthusiastic which after all, you can't see my face and i can't see yours either, so. =)

also, a video that i find pretty amusing. look at the boy's mouth from 0:49, he's like restraining himself from laughing. lol.

oh. and 0:38 is also epic. hahaha.

Hear me, hear me.

If you have had a meal with me before, then you would know that i do not eat meat but not fish and a little seafood.

Well, if you are wondering why is it so, let me tell you.

#1. I do not eat meat because it's a respect for living life.

#2. I am trying to save the environment. My theory was proven true by the april issue of NationalGeographic magazine which states that humans are running out of fresh water. Many countries are unable to provide clean water for their people.

It takes 1857 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef, 1382 for one pound of sausage, 756 for pork and 469 for chicken. No water was needed to produce one pound of fish. Fish lives in the salty sea. See?

I save water by eating fish/seafood. =D

#3. Mcdonald's has the best fishburger around town that i can't resist. XD

So, stop eating meat today. Saves water okayy. hahaha.

p/s and in case you haven't noticed, i don't eat fish which comes in the shape of fish unless forced by my parents only. Other than that, I eat fish that does not look like fish. hahaha.

Bon Apetit!

If you people, whoever you are -other than those whom I see everyday- had not seen me for quite some time since the last time you saw me, whenever it is, it's because i was stuck to my trials.
Farrk you trials. you made me missed out so many good things. damn you. =)

Anyway, if you were to think that i have started to fall in love with my papers/books/notes, no. On the other hand, i have instead, fallen in love with...

eating sinfully sweet foodbrain food. wtf. haha.

So today, imma teach you guys how to make Damien's finger lickin good strawberriliciouschocolateysandwich ! =D

Get some crackers, some icecreamballs with chocolatepeanut coating, and strawberryjam.
Smear a tablespoon of strawberryjam over the cracker and then place the chocolateicecreamball on top of it.
Take another piece of cracker and put it right on top. Then all you have to do is to sandwich them together and press it hard so that the strawberry jam is flowing out of the edges.
Finish it up and lick the plate clean.

Now, back to making love with physics. =S

blablabullshit.

Heaven is the bed when you have worked your ass off for the whole day but you still have to keep it moving.

Fuck. So near yet so far.

Happy tigerish chinese new year! =)

Getting flowers. Rm 60

Valentine's card. Rm 12.80

Delivery charge. Rm 40

Bribing sister from telling ma about this. Rm 100

Incident of sending flowers to the wrong house and having the girl to collect the flowers herself. Then learning that the recipient's an indian. Priceless.

Feeling so screwed up now. =(

Anyway, happy chinese new year! *roars*

I am 19 and that's not okay.

Woo. I still can't believe that it is already 2010.

This is so unbelievable. Like seriously. wth. People has already start referring to me as 19 now even though my birthday's in another 9 months time. I am feeling so old. So feeble. So wtf.19 used to be such an alien term when i was younger. 19 sounds so old. 19 means no more playing with action figures. 19 means you can only look at younger kids play catch. 19 means you can't cry anymore because you couldn't get the stuff you want. 19 means so many things that i have never even thought of. Now, i am an alien to the younger kids. So, those who want to be 21 would be like a monster. haha. *sighs*

So, i guess i'll have to do my new year resolutions again. I'll sum them up and conclude them into one, shouldn't i? That saves time and you can read less as well. lol. So my 2010 resolution would be

"to achieve all goals and to hand up my homework on time and to be more active in socializing and to make my family proud of me and to make my friends happy for me and to contribute more to the society and to lead a better and more interesting life than 09' "

So, one resolution covers it all. Not bad eh? XD

Err....Excuse me?

Well, if you had been talking to me for the past few days, then you would have either known that

• I went to Kuantan by bus
• And i lansuk-edtalked to a stranger who was sitting next to me in the bus and we exchanged contacts.

woohoo! XD

You know, lansuk people like that turns out to be pretty exciting and interesting. You have to think of all the topics you could bring into your conversation and make sure you don't ask a question or bring up a statement that will end up in the other one totally ignoring you and freezing cold silence. Also, you have to know the right timing to say the right words. You don't start off with saying "Hey, want to go out with me?" That ruins everything. Usually that line and the typical "Can i have your phone number?" line comes at the end before parting.

Anyway, I only started to talk to her by the second half of the trip. And it began with a smile when we both saw each other munching on different flavored Rocky. Then, it took me 30 minutes to come up with my pick up line and everything worked out perfectly after that. No abrupt endings, no cold shoulders. ho ho ho. =D

Now, i have another Sarah friend. Turns out she is an original orang Kuantan that is doing her advanced level diploma in college TAR. And she is 22 with a smile when looked from side, reminds me of zoe. (WHERE ARE YOU LAR ZOE?) By the way, having someone to talk to on long journey trips makes a year looks like an hour. Time just flies. seriously.

Oh, in any case, if you were wondering what was my pick up line.

"Err....excuse me? How long is it going to be before we reach kuantan?"

And no. I am not interested in her. Only making new friends lar.

Nigel's moving, but i ain't gay.

Well, haven't you heard? Nigel's moving to Mars and he ain't coming back no more. In any case, if you have got no idea who Nigel is, this is him. So, for the very last time before he takes off in his Waja-shaped shuttle (so malaysiaboleh!) with all his belongings and furniture and clothes and undergarments and stuff like that, we went out for the last time(?). Of which, i discovered/realized a few interesting facts.

1. We have never ever went to the cinemas together before for the past 9 years.
2. He now goes to cyber cafes for Left 4 Dead 2. (a new kaki! but sadly, now moving to Mars)
3. I think that's all. Only two, now three.

We started off our last Earth trip together at a cyber cafe playing L4D 2(which is a zombie shooting game, very addictive, very cheegek, and very naueseatic for some people.), screaming and asking for help as well as giving orders to each other and the other ignoring it and laughing like hell while hacking away zombieheads.Then, off we went for our first movie together!

Actually, it's pretty depressing to know that yesterday was the first time we watched a movie together and probably the last time till kingdom come. Not the part of watching the last movie that's sad. But beause we used to be best friends and stuck so close together and we have never done a lot of things together yet. Anyway, back to where i paused for a moment.
We watched Avatar, which was a pretty good movie with shadows and elements of many other films in it. Rambo, District 9, Jurrasic Park, Star Wars, Surrogates, Pochahontas(is this how you spell it?) and of course Titanic. So, you tell me? how can this not be good, right?
We went for dinner and pool later on. And that is how we ended our last Trip travelling on Earth together.

I wasn't sad at all. Not as sad as i was when he told me he was moving. Well, how do you react to that when he's been your friend, and a very close one for 9 years? I am one who hates parting, and one who's afraid of losing something i cherish. Hmm. You want to listen to me brag on about our friendship, no? yea. you want it.

When i first met him back in primary school, i was still a boy with no good friends. Most of the friends i had were those that will play with me and scream along while running down the corridors but still fight with me in the end. wtf. So when he appeared in class one fine day, i was determined to make him my best friend. lol. And then i tried different ways of approaching him as well as trying to impress him with stupid jokes. So in the end, we got on pretty well.

Then the secondary school part, i believe that most of you already know much about it. How i deteriorated and then did not become classmates no more. Yea. Then, we always run out of conversation topics and ending up in silence and smiling stupidly at each other. I used to be always so afraid that one day our friendship would one day fall apart, which it did not.

Okay, i just remembered some of the things we did together. One was drawing comics, then renting it to other classmated for ten cents per page and then photocopying it and selling it. The other was playing bowling. And also pool. yea, that pretty sums up all the stuff we did together that was pretty memorable lar. haha. still got one lar, i am just too lazy to type them out.

I suck at parting. So bad that all the words i said to my sis when she had to go to the states to study was babai and the nothing else. Now i have run out of words. I don't think i even write this much when i broke up with my exgf. hahaha. But i believe nigel knows everything i want to say, after all, he's still one of the best friends i have.

I have to say it. I am not gay. For your info. I repeat. I am not gay. I just like boys. wtf. AHAHAHHAHA. joking one.

haha. have a safe flight lar dude! =D

Escape to happyeverafterland FAIL.

Today, i feel like running away and go off to a far far land and live happily after. So, i built myself a raft out of twigs and as you can see, a big heart shaped leave with many holes on it to serve as a sail.


I was very happy. And then i realised it was too small. So, i rebuilt a bigger one, still with dry twigs, but minus the cacat sail.


And then when everything was set and ready to go, i pushed it out for a test ride.

Fail. wtf.

So, happily-ever-after life would have to wait. And before that, Physics and Bio 2 would still have to come first. wtf wtf.

Now, Jolin needs me.

To:

the Ding family. the family clan. the joyce. the zoe. the nigel. the iuning. the huiwen. the mutiaracarpark band. the bs3. the chong hwa-ians. the teachers, past and present.

and all the people i've met, loved or hated.

Thank you for growing me up/growing up with me/watching me grow up/teaching me how to grow up.

I am now a real man. WAHAHAHHAHAA.


p/s if you feel excluded from my thank you list because i did not say your name, do tell me. =) and if you don't get it why jolin needs me and not you, check it out here. And to waikin, bui, rose and bird, sorry for failing the surprise. =P

When i was 17.

I have lived for 17 years 11 months and 15 days. There are so many things to say about and to finish them, you need at least 17 years. okay, crap. So, it's going to be the 28th once more. And this time, it does not only signify that i am one year older, it also marks the beginning of a new chapter in life.

Well, I wouldn't say i lived a romantic-action packed-out-of-the-ordinary 17, yet, i still find some of the incidents worth remembering.

#1. Learning to drive and drift.

#2.With driving, you can't miss out the accidents as well.

#3. Introduced my ex-girlfriend to my mum and surprisingly she did not kill me.

#4. Did a heart anatomy and tried to eat the heart.
Somehow, the one holding the heart didn't feel happy for me. lol.

#5. Won free tickets to movie premieres because of a slogan of terminating kennysia for having balls bigger than mine. But failed to attend and watch. wtf.

#6. Saw amazing stuff under the microscope.


#7. Got a fine of 100 bucks.

#8. Tried to bribe a police officer with a buck.

#9. Had my dream of becoming a jedi come true.

#10. Walked in a shopping mall with loads of people wearing a mask that resembles an underwear.


#11. Took photo with 4 other boys all crammed inside a photo machine. Don't laugh.

Let's just say the smiley face is to protect his privacy. Still, don't you laugh. haha.

p/s am posting this up early because i need to get real armed for the test. Its my effin AS exam for goddamn sake. And my birthday's stuck between two tests. So lucky lar. Can buy numbers liao. ==

Happy Moon-ish Day.

How did you celebrate last night?


Was it with your family, or was it with your friends?

Or maybe alone?
I still remember those days back then when everything looked bigger and taller. And then these were the days that everyone in the family would show up. The young ones would play with the lanterns, the candles and try to burn the house down. The adults would sit in the garden sipping hot Chinese tea, munching on the mooncakes, talking about everything, and most of all, to prevent us from burning the house down.


As each of the small ones grew up, they left, they moved, and they never showed up again on such occasions. And last night was one of those occasions. The adults said they were tired, the young ones had to celebrate with their friends.

And then there was me.
So, with all the memories of those younger times, i decided to play with the lanterns alone. lol.

Lit up the whole garden with lanterns and sat on the floor and watch the candles go out. Then light them back again. Then watch them go out. Then relight them and watch them again.


The house across the road was full of noise. Cheering, singing and children running around. And here, it was total silence.

I tried to look for the moon but to no avail. The clouds were dancing in the sky. And no moon was to be seen. So i played with the candles and danced on the grass along with Van Morrison's dancing in the moonlight.

So, i played along till around midnight. Cleaned up the mess, and went back into the house.

And that's how life rolls when everyone starts to grow up, don't it? All alone.

On the other hand, burning lanterns down just never felt so good.

MUAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHA.

wtf.

A trip to One-U

Nothing exciting has happened to me lately. Well, some are on their way tho. Like on the 24th, my results for the previous trials. ooh. pretty exciting.

Well, so i went to one u with fuguai people yesterday. And as i was much earlier than they were, i decided to go for bowling. A game costs 8 bucks. throw!
The results were urm...not bad for someone who didn't even stepped into a bowling court for like 3 years.

Then we watched 'Where Got Ghost'. Made me laugh till i almost cried. The laughing scenes are almost incessant. Just so you know. =) movie ticket: 11 bucks.Went for dinner afterwards. And Mr.Fu chose dragon-i. I think that's the name of the shop. lol.


Shredded pork with shredded onion and shredded laaaaaaaaaa-mien. 14 bucks.

Food from Heaven. Ah. The xiaolongpau. The soup that flows out endlessly from this small lump of meat wrapped in flour. And talking about it makes my mouth water once more. 12 bucks. This is Mr. Fu .
The mess we left.
Yes. My bill was 180.55. Only mine.
And this is Mr. Spiderman who, out of the boredom, decided to flash instead of shooting spiderwebs. priceless.