Wow two weeks...

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted.  I guess I am struggling for words at the moment.  You see  I have enough going on at the moment, and it's difficult to talk about it.

Whilst a lot of you have in the past asked *the* question and I have always said no I'm not.  Well that's changed.  I am.  Probably.  Always add the get out clause.  But I don't want any woohoo's or any bad lucks.  It is.  There is no elation and there is no depression.  What there is though is relief that I have finally made the decision.  Everyone who knows about me had already guessed - I was the one who came to the conclusion last.

So that is why I have been quiet (in between writing mindless drivel ;p).  I didn't want the fuss, but almost everything I've wanted to say either gives the game away or at least makes for questions.  So I have not said anything.  Well I've said it now.

Next week my boss and the HR team lead meet Stacy after work.  They have known about Stacy for a while, and known about the decision for a while as well.  It's about time they meet her.

Anyway, that's enough from me for today.  I'm going to stop before my make up drips onto the backlit keyboard.  Time to watch the fireworks laid on by mother nature.

Stace

Two trip week

Well that is a very stressful week over.

The review process has started.  It’s going fine, but the first is taking time and I’m worried a little about it.

Other things have taken time and I’ve done a few hours of overtime most days.

And then there was the two nights out as Stacy.

Tuesday I went for a meal with a friend.  Finished work, late, got to his to get changed – as I was running late I had to get changed in half my normal time.  And managed it!  Male to Stacy in less than 45 minutes is a record for me!

When we were ready I drove to the café, whilst he cycled (he had to get some cash).  Now, at this point I was a little nervous.  The café where we were going is not that far from the office.  And, even worse, was on the route from the office to the train station.  I manage to find a parking space, got changed into my boots (I don’t drive in heels!) got out of the car and thankfully the only colleague coming down the street was the friend I was meeting :)

Went to the pub, and had some drinks and ordered the food (and very nice it was too!!!).  At some point, as I have a bladder the size of a pea I had to break the toilet barrier.  I have had a discussion or two with my therapist about why this is such an issue.  Both the issue that some people make of it and the issue in your head; he explained it pretty well…  And also said in no uncertain terms that it’s simple – Stacy goes to the ladies, male me goes to the gents.  Anyway, it was a complete non-issue in the café…

All in all it was a good evening, the only issue being that I had to cut it short as I had to get my kit ready for the outing the next day.

The next day I don’t know what happened, but I went in to a major downward spiral.  I don’t know what it was that set it off, but I was checking new blogs and suddenly I had a ‘What the hell are you doing moment!’  Complete with a cold sweat, shaking and inability to think / do anything.

Now, I know that I was going to see some friends for the first time, and that his mother in law was also going to be there, along with his kids.  After getting my hair cut we were supposed to be going out for a drink.  I guess it was a full night.  But I was not ready for the panic that morning.

I took some of my herbal pills (first time on about 6 months I think) and calmed down a little.  Went through the day (no idea what I was doing in the office any more), played some table football at lunch and lost completely as I had no idea what I was doing.  Took some more pills and tried to complete the afternoon.  Then it was time to get ready.  Only I procrastinated.  Too much…  I was left myself with little time to get changed again.  I left the office went to my friends place and when I stopped outside had a little panic attack.  And I really do not know why…

Luckily I beat my previous days record of getting ready (not that difficult as I did not do my hair – no point in filling it with mouse and hairspray when someone is about to cut it is there?).  I had managed to get myself back on track, just.  Then when putting my shoes on and I noticed that one area of my foot was a lightly different colour to the rest.  Damn.  First time I’ve had a ladder when I was in a rush.  As quick a change as possible (always carry a spare pair :p) and I was off, but late again.

Got to the house, thankfully once I was outside of the city traffic still flowed quickly just in time to see S get back from work.  Apart from me being stressed to the hilt it all went well.  I got compliments from everyone, and a joke from his mother-in-law (they told me you were coming as you today and that I had to be OK with it).

His youngest daughter, who is just learning to talk didn’t notice anything.  His other daughter was a little distant at first – and asked her mum when I was out of the room ‘Why is daddy’s friend a girl now?’  Her mum explained that sometimes people are a girl on the inside even when they are a boy on the outside, or vice versa.  She was a little unsure, but generally fine.

I got my hair cut, and had a chat with his wife whilst she cut my hair, and he put the kids to bed.  His wife did a wonderful job on styling my hair.  Normally she cuts it and quickly does a Stacy style, and then styles it for male me (as it’s normally Male me that goes).  This time she went to town on the styling.  I was over the moon with the result.

We discussed some technical issues he has at work, and he gave me some great searching tips using SQL Server Free Text Search for a home project and then we went out for a quick drink (by this time we were quite late, so it had to be a quick drink unfortunately).

Odd thing is that except for a slight feeling of nausea before going into the café everything was fine when out and about.  At no other point was I worried about what I was doing.  We had a drink, a chat and had a really great time.  I relaxed completely and can honestly say he really knows how to make you feel like a lady.  On issue is he refused to allow me to pay!  We stayed longer than we thought we were going to (time flies and all that).  So whilst he paid I put the bathroom fear to rest and we left.

Got back to his place, thanked his wife again for doing my hair and left for home.

All in all they were two great nights, wonderful for my development – and something that I really have to do more.

And now I can try to relax :)

A couple of weeks of thought....

Sorry it’s been a while – it’s been an interesting few weeks.  Both in the good and the bad sense…

Now where to start?  Always a problem isn’t it?  Do you start with the good news, and then lead into the less good (I won’t say bad news, because though it’s not been fun I can’t say it’s bad…  Sorry I’m rambling now).

The past week or so has been extremely busy – I’ve barely had a chance to catch up on blogs let alone write any.  I’m writing this drinking Latte at a very good Italian Coffee shop in Schiphol airport waiting for my train connection.  (If any of you ever go through Schiphol I can recommend Pronto – just across from Starbucks and so much better!)

Right, the less good; I’ll start with that and finish on a good note.  Much better.  You may notice that this post doesn’t have a lot of structure – I apologise for that.

Two weeks ago I had a therapy session.  It was also Mrs Stace’s birthday and so I just went direct from work, without getting changed first – I kind of assumed that on her birthday she would prefer her husband to come home, and couldn’t possibly deny her that.  But that’s another tangent and not really important to the tale.  I was a good session, we discussed many things – I won’t bore you with the details.  Towards the end the therapist brought up the subject of making ‘the decision’ (my quotes) and that it’s not so much a decision that you make, it’s something that you know.  I told him that I thought I knew what my path was, and that that wasn’t my problem.  That confused him – I have to stop being so English.  So I clarified.  I *do* knew what my path is, and that isn’t my problem.  My problem is to do with cost, not money but Mrs Stace.  He again repeated not to worry and that will come to my in time.

That triggered two of possibly my worst weeks since I started blogging – and a very bi polar feeling.  Whilst I had something on my mind there was no problem.  Then I got 5 minutes to myself, or I got distracted at work and – boom! – I was back in melancholy mode again.  I’ve laid in bed at night trying to grapple it – I don’t actually know if I’ve had insomnia (though I’ve been waking far too early) but it seemed like I was lying awake for half the night.  Last Sunday I spent the whole evening on the verge of tears.

You see my problem that I just don’t see how you are supposed to come to any conclusion there at all.  I have two choices – both are fantastic and both fill me with dread.

1) I can go for transition

I don’t spend the rest of my life in Girl Envy, I don’t spend the rest of my life suffering what I am suffering at the moment, and hopefully get rid of the thoughts of ending it all (don’t worry I’m not seriously considering it – but I still think it’s not healthy to try and work out the best way to do it)

I stand the very real possibility of losing the love of my life.  The person who I have such an amazing connection that we don’t just finish each other’s sentences, we start them as well.  I have a crappy day, see her and suddenly everything seems that much better.  Just writing that sentence lifts me.  Christ, she cares that much about me that *she* made me go to the doctors last year when I told her everything as she could see what it was doing to me, even though she knew where it may lead.

2) I don’t transition

Reverse the above.  And add to it that I spend the rest of my life growing more and more bitter at my body and the way that it shall keep getting more bloke like as the years go by, and hate myself more and more.

But the chances are that I keep Mrs Stace in my life.  Chances are – nothing is certain of course.

So there we have it.  Do I spend the rest of my life slowly hating me for my body and how I have to live my life, or do I risk spending the rest of my life hating that I killed the best relationship I am ever likely to have.

That sentence is the one that has been causing me so much pain and confusion over the last couple of weeks.

Thursday I went back to therapy and brought this up.  His take on it…  Nothing is certain no matter which direction you go for.  Also…  No matter what direction I eventually go for don’t expect to do it without Stacy.  She’s here for good – if I try to put her back into the box and ignore her I am not going to be healthy, and the chances are that that will ruin the relationship.  I kind of guessed that one.

So it will become obvious what I have to do.  Apparently it’s already obvious to those in the know.  When we were discussing something last week I asked Mrs Stace if she had given up on male me.  She said that everyone has given up on male me, and threw the question back.  I said no I hadn’t yet.  I wonder if I am trying to convince myself of that, or if it’s the truth?

I told her that I knew where I should be, but wasn’t sure about the cost – but didn’t go into details.  I didn’t think she needed the pressure when making her own decisions.  My therapist convinced me that wasn’t the right route – that I should show her how much she means to me, just make sure that it’s not said in a pressuring way.  I tried last night and almost succeeded in keeping it free of pressure, we discussed it for too long and in too much depth – but she did say that she was glad I told her.

Anyway that was the not so great.  It’s still going around my head – and I still have no idea what I am going to do.  But the fact that I have discussed it, and that Mrs Stace knows everything that is going on in my head now has taken the edge off a little.

So that is the reason why I’ve been a little quiet.  I’ve needed to write this post, but not known how to do it.    It may be lacking in structure, but pouring my thoughts out seems to have been the only way to do it.  It wouldn’t feel right if I tried to edit it into something coherent.

Anyway – it hasn’t all been bad.  I’ve had a couple of good weeks in the office – it’s been busy in a good way; enough to do, and with lots of thinking involved – not just mindless tasks.  I spent time testing a new monitor (we have been complaining about our monitors for years as they are too cheap and nasty to use for coding.  And the next day 30 22” high resolution monitors were delivered.  I was amazed at the speed that it suddenly happened – no budget for months then on Monday I was asked for input into a monitor, Tuesday I tested and Wednesday we had new ones.  And we have a room full of happier developers.

And finally to close it off…  I’ve spent the last two mornings (I started this on Friday morning and am finishing it now on the Sunday morning) with a bit of a hangover.  We went for a night out as a team after work on Friday – shooting some pool followed by a nice meal.  It was a great night out – the only problem was that I didn’t get much sleep and did drink a glass of wine too much.  Then yesterday we went to see a friend of ours.  Who has exactly my taste in wine (the very nice white that we took with us just happened to be the same that she had cooling in the fridge for drinking with dinner, and the one she had open was one of my favourites that I’m slowly running out of as our supplier can’t get any more.  We sat and chatted for the evening, it was a lot of fun – but we managed to work our way through a bottle each, and I was still recovering from the day before.

This afternoon we say goodbye to some family – Mrs Stace’s cousin is visiting from Australia (her family moved out there years ago).  We are having a last get together at her parents place before they leave in the morning.   Should be a good afternoon, I just hope that I can make it without being pressured into having a drink :)a

Recovery... :)

Hmm, my muse seems to be on strike again.  All through the week I’ve known exactly what I wanted to put into the next post, and yet each time I actually had 5 minutes to get something down in Word I find that my head has emptied totally...

The last week has been an interesting one.  On one hand I’ve been coming down gently from my trip out last week.  On the other hand I’ve hit the ground with a bump.  A contradiction I know – but there is just no other way that I can put it.

I was a great night, followed by a terrible weekend – I’ve never been a person that can survive on little sleep, and staying up for 22 hours, followed by 4 hours sleep just does not make me a healthy person.  Lots of sleep, and zero alcohol managed to aid a decent level of recovery.

Work has been too busy – the stress of not knowing what to do next, as opposed the stress of just knowing that something has to be done.  I didn’t help that I was constantly being given conflicting information / instructions from management.  Too many people working on the same solution; Thursday was particularly bad with a one hour meeting that ended with senior management seeing that path forward and telling us what we should have been doing.  Turns out this path forward is what I and other techies have been saying for a few years...  So annoying.

But, I digress.  The bumps were something that I was semi-expecting, but had not seen coming in the first 48 hours or so.  Mrs Stace went with her mother to see Tosca on Tuesday evening (I’m so jealous about that – I’d love to see that live) and it ended very late.  So she stayed with her parents as they are closer to the opera house, and to where Mrs Stace works.  I went to my normal Tuesday appointment at my in laws and then came home to an empty house.  No panicking ala Ikea a couple of weeks ago, just an empty house.  I hate being away from Mrs Stace – I’m possibly a little to clingy in that respect.  Anyway, I sat down and watched some TV before going to bed – and that’s where it got a little bad.  There is a phrase that I’ve seen around in various blogs that just about hit the point perfectly.  Girl envy.  In one of the programs was an actress that had the hair I would love, and was wearing the fashion of my choice.  And that will never be me - I will never be able to pull that look off.  Even *if* I transitioned, a couple decades of the effects of testosterone, whilst not doing as much damage as they could, have certainly done enough...  There were tears and I didn’t go to bed particularly happily.

That has then been the pattern for the week really, still really happy about the night out.  But with patches of real envy throughout the week.

Here’s hoping the next week just keeps the more positive side of things :)  (Please don't get me wrong - it's been a good week, just with periods of being brought down with a bump, before bouncing back up)

Oh yes, one last thing. In reply to my last post there were a few interesting comments, and I think I’m going to answer them in more detail – but I’m going to make sure that I think about that reply and not quickly type something up. Eigenlijk that was the subject that I had in my head before the muse decided to depart me at the point where I could write something...

Getting better (mostly)

Well today has been a turn up for the books.  Began a little slowly, with metting followed by meeting, and no time to do any actual work.  In the IT meeting I was put on the spot by my boss about the new teams (I guessed this was going to happen, but with the other meetings had no time to prepare).

After the IT meeting though, things went great.  A meeting to improve our deployments went well, with lots of idea's that we can try to put into practice, and then in the afternoon a meeting with a service provider that went well, and led to a conversation with a software provider whose software in't performing, which led to lots of information which can hopefully solve the performance issue.  All in all a productive day that made me feel like I was doing something useful for my salary :)

Then I got home and my xbox died with the 3 light red ring of death, just when a colleague had lent me a wheel to see what I thought of it.  Annoying, but in the grand scheme of things not important...  Question is do I replace it for the one game I still play, and the one I want to buy or do I clear space in the living room and save the cash...

Panic

Isn’t it strange how the simplest of jobs can trigger a sudden panic, followed by a deep low?  That’s how I spent the latter part of my weekend.  It started when we saw the new Ikea catalogue and decided to bite the bullet and replace our mattress.  It’s been on the cards for a while now – the old one was brought in our previous house that had damp issues and it showed on the mattress, but we never got around to buying the replacement.

Flicking through the catalogue we found one that was just what we were looking for (at least the description said that it was), and went to Ikea late on Saturday in the hope that it would be quieter.  No chance, when we got there the car park was still completely full.

A bit of browsing whilst looking for the beds, looking for a sofa bed to replace the double in the spare room – as it’s only used a couple of times a year it seems stupid to have 3/4 of the room taken up with it – and other bits and bobs.  We found a great sofa bed – sprung base, looked nice when not a bed, and was comfortable in both guises.  It was easy to unfold and fold back up again and there was a little storage space built in as well.

This is the point where the ‘bad’ thoughts started.  If the worst happens and I end up losing Mrs Stace that’s what I am going to have to buy for the living room of a flat (seeing as a one bed place is likely to be my budget).  And when looking at the chairs for the dining room I started to glance around at the cheap tables that were there to the same effect.

When we finally managed to find the mattress the issue of ‘should we buy it when we don’t know the future?’ came up.  I said buy it anyway, even if that does happen the mattress is going to be needed.  And then spent time looking at the cheap beds (just in case I need one).

And so it goes.  We both made light of it at the time, but since then it’s just been weighing heavier and heavier on my mind – to the point where I have ended up sitting on the sofa rocking backwards and forwards in tears.  Stupid I know – neither of us knows what is going to happen so there is no point dwelling on it, but it just hit me this weekend.

I suppose looking at the bright side I managed to start exercising again this weekend – a 23km bike ride on Saturday (too long, my knees were in agony by the half-way point) and a 3km run on Sunday (should have been 6 but my knees were reminding me of Saturday so I decided to be sensible for a change).  It felt good to be running again, and the endorphins were certainly released.

And the mattress is extremely comfortable.  It’s memory foam so it starts off as a little soft when you first lie down, but then gives you great support once you are lying down on it.  Flat packed too – it comes vacuum packed, and rolled so a 160 * 200 mattress even fits in a V50.

Update: I wrote this on the way to work on Monday.  Since then things have gone downhill a little, I ended up yelling at my boss over a trifling incident (he has told me I was correct and didn’t come across as that shouty, but I know I should have handled it better) and had to leave the office before breaking down again.  Didn’t take long for the vacation feeling to disappear did it…  I’ve levelled out – it’s not getting any worse – but neither is it getting better yet…

A little better

Sorry for yesterday...  Thought I can't say how much it helped to get it out :)  The herbal tablets are doing their thing - let's see if I can keep an even keel for the time being.

I spent 20 mins yesterday in a meeting room in the dark with my back against the wall sitting on the ground hugging my knees and satring into space.  It helped.  I followed that with a very jovial lunch with my colleagues, everybody having a laugh and it being, all in all, pleasent.

I think I have managed to track down the chain of events that caused it...

The 'Monday' even I wrote about in a previous post was the start I think.  Bascically someone who I thought was supportive isn't.  He thinks he is, which actually makes what he said worse in my head.  We were talking about the previous Friday (the lunch with my 'abomination' colleague) and he said, 'screw it!  Be yourself and don't give a crap what anyone says to you.'  So far so good.  This was then followed with, 'I gurantee you the first time I see I am going to be laughing so hard, there's too much history between us and when the last person I knew who transitioned did so I still thought about him as the same guy afterwards.  You just have to ignore people.'

Great.  Not supportive and I am a laughing stock.

That's stuck in my head since.  On top of that I have three more days left then I'm off for a couple of weeks.  I have a list of 25 things that I want done before I leave, and it's not getting shorter.  People keep coming and adding to the list, changing the priorities of the list etc etc.

And on top of that at home I'm trying to get all of my machines backed up and it seems the 2TB I have as USB storage just is not enough.

And then...  I got changed on Monday and totally screwed myself over.  I have a dress that I got last year.  I don't wear it too often as it's a little too big for me these days.  It was a disaster. My hair and make up did not go right, the dress looks terrible (I should never have decided to try it again) and all in all I hated the result which killed off what little confidence I had left at the time. There is one thing I try not to do and that is look like a bloke in a dress.  Most of the time I think I just about make it.  Monday absolutely not.  So now I am a paranoid bloke in a dress, who's a laughing stock with everyone talking pointing and gigling behind my back (OK I don't know about the last part of the sentence, that's where the paranoid come in).

I had a talk with Mrs Stace about it last night in bed, it helped a little.  But not a lot.  I think tonight I may try to make up for Monday night by picking one of the outfits I love, but takes a little longer to change into (I wanted to get on with cooking and backing up the computers so I went for speed of getting ready over doing it right - mistake apparently) and see if I can bounce a little.

Wish me luck...

Damn, just when it was going well!

The last two weeks have been great.  I've been getting on with stuff, both project management stuff and getting my hands dirty in code again.  I'd say I was back to 90% of where I used to be and was enjoying my job again catching up on the things I let lapse during the last 6 months.

Then Thursday and Friday seemed to undo that somewhat.  My phone has not stopped ringing, and during 1 60min meeting I missed 20 emails.  I just can't cope with that it seems - my concentration gets destroyed and I sit staring at the screen again.  Hopefully next week I can get into it again.

That set the tone for yesterday.

I had two conversations where someone started talking about personality types.  And twice I was called a girl.  One time, and I know it was not meant in a nasty way, I was asked when I was starting hormones.  It was with someone who I get along with well, and we enjoy winding each other up - and neither of us takes it serious.  But I just could not answer that.  I had no witty comeback that I could use.  I had to go for the lame smile and saying haha.  Christ, it cut deep.  I'm sitting here tearfully just writing it up.

Then I went out with some ex-colleagues in Amsterdam and again personality questions came up again.  I was the only one who answered differently, and got back - that's a girls response.  No hormone question this time.  But to hear that when you are in a GD dip and not be able to give the answer you want to was almost as bad as the hormone question.

We are all geeks (me the least actually) and the talks went to blogs.  And talking about linking to each others.  I had to work so hard to stop myself saying anything.  Again just sitting in the corner saying nothing and fading into the background.  It was an enjoyable night, but it was bloddy hard as well.

It's not all bad though.  I managed to get a couple of important things organised this week.

I have an intake with a therapist.  Got the number from the VU and called.  He only takes people from the VU and a trans self help group in Amsterdam so I could get an appointment quickly.  Still a week and a half away, but I'm looking forward to starting (it doesn't scare me like the VU - maybe because this is getting my head in order and more than something that may significantly change my life).

Secondly...  I have an appointment to talk to my brother.  I loved his reaction to me making the appointment with him.  "I need to talk to you"  "Why?"  "Because I do"  "OK mate".  He is quite happy go lucky in some things.  Just hope he still is after I've told him.

And finally...  Something happy to end on...  More shopping today.  We are off to do the shoe shopping that should have been done last week.  I just hope they have the shoes in stock!

I want to know how you are...

I had a long conversation with my mum again this weekend.  It's something that I had been putting off, as I just did not want to upset her.  She is a long way away, we can't get to Scotland just yet and doing all these talks over the phone can be quite difficult...

She sent me an SMS asking how we were, I waited until the evening and then called back.  I told her that I've not been OK for a few weeks, but that I am climbing out of it now.  And that I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset her.

Her response was that she doesn't ask how I am to hear that I am fine, she asks because she wants to know how I am doing, and to try and support me the best she can from Scotland.

We talked about all the things that have been on my mind recently, including the suicidal thoughts from my teenage years to now (but not the last few weeks - progress) and the information evening from the VU.

She said that she was not surprised at the suicide - that she understood why those thoughts would go through my mind.

In all in all I think that we were on the phone for more than an hour, we had some laughs along the way, I had more than a few tears.  I explained to her that as much as I thought I had accepted my TG'ness years ago, I guess I am realising that I had not.  I'd acknowledged it, but obviously not accepted it.  That was a milestone in realisation.

One thing that made her laugh was me doing mascara.  I'm imfamous for having hand tremours.  When I tried to join the RAF as a pilot my mum made the joke that she would know which plane was mine as it would go side to side.

Now imagine having shaking hands.  Then trying to do your eyes.  She thought I meant black marks over my face.  I meant occasional 'OW!' moments as the brush suddenly meets eyeball.  She burst out laughing.  She also asked an interesting question.  I hid the fact that I was TG for many years, with the asscociated stress that comes with it.  She was wondering whether, once I am in a good place gender identity wise, would my hand tremous stop (or at any rate reduce a little) as there would be an amount of stress that would be gone.

I talked to my dad about my Spit - since we had a walk and talk just after his Birthday before Mrs Stace and I left them to come back to Holland we have not really talked about it.  He supports me through my mum - giving me advise whilst on the phone ot mum, but hasn't really spoken to anyone about it - including me.  I don't know whether he is bottleing everything up, or whether he is fine...  Mum thinks the former from what I can tell.

But...  The Spit is moving closer to the start line.  The garage is nearly built, almost has power and in a few weeks the Spit should be under cover for the first time in 1/2 a decade ready for a full body off restoration.  My dad and I can talk cars for hours - something that hasn't changed since I told them I'm pleased to say.  In the end mum made him end the conversation as she is terrified about my phone bill.  I have to say at present that is the least of my worries :)

Finally...

I have a new found respect for Nick Clegg.  I saw an interview on Dutch TV last night where they started in English (I think - sometimes I don't notice when people switch between English and Dutch) and he answered them in... Dutch!  He speaks it better than I do!  I know that he has Dutch linage but still, thinking and answering in Dutch when you don't have to - I was very impressed.  As Mrs Stace pointed out - imagine what was going on in the minds of his supporters.  There he was being interviewed, on TV and probably the only people who could understand him were the TV crew from NOS.

Doing better...

Well I'm doing so much better this week than I was when I last posted.  So much so I can't recognise how I felt then.

Is that bi-polar, or just a sign that I've started to come to terms with things?

Since my last post I have been dressed each evening it was possible to do so (Tuesdays / Wednesdays are out as we go out those days - but Thursday and Friday were both spent dressed).  The difference in myself is amazing.  I was trying to explain it to Jenny in an email and struggles somewhat.  It's not that I relax when dressed, but that I feel like me and so the anxiety drops away somewhat.  Even though the fears and worries about the future remain, and are just as strong the anxiety level makes the difference.

I was speaking to my boss about this yesterday - I had an update meeting with him to explain how things were going and that I had had a very tough time of it recently. He said he understood why being dressed did me so much good - there is a rather large picture of him in the hallway dressed as a hooker from a previous office fancy dress party.  he said if you look at the photo you can tell he is not comfortable (to be fair neither would I be in that outfit) and it makes perfect sense that if you reverse the scenario to me that I am not comfortable wearing my daily clothes.  He has a good insight that man I think.  Better than me - I don't get how getting dressed can make such a difference.

Mrs Stace has been great with the dressing, I offered to remain in boy mode again last night, but she told me to change.  And did my eyes again.  I am not sure if she is getting used to it, but she is trying her hardest.

I asked her what made the change from not wanting me dressed a lot to advising it when possible.  She said it was the suicidal thoughts.  Slightly guilty feelings there as I did not tell her for that reason. But I can't deny it's helped.


The other thing that has helped is me accepting my situation.  I was planning to go into therapy at the VU fighting transition at all costs.  That is also where a lot of anxiety has been over the last few weeks.  I've now decided that I have to go into it open minded.  Not going in expecting transition, but not going in fighting it either.  That has also removed a lot of anxiety.  Introduced an amount of fear, but fear without anxiety if that makes any sense.  I feel much more serene now.

There are logistical issues that go with the dressing each night.  We live in a terrace house - overlooked on all sides.  Ergo, if I am dressed we have to close the curtains.  And when we forgot to pick milk up on Thursday and found out after I was dressed (and had makeup on) Mrs Stace was the one who needed to not only go and pick it up, but also take over my role of fighting the junk in the shed to get my bike out (her's is buried deeper).  I would have happily got it for her but then my secret would have been more than a little out.

Another issue is panda eyes.  I got up on Friday morning, had a shower and still had panda eyes from the mascara of the night before.  I'm glad Mrs Stace was there to check when it was gone (the light in the mirror is not the best) otherwise I would have had some explaining to do...

Have a good weekend all - I'm off for my 18km skate now :).  Just beleive me that I am doing better now.

Tough times...

Not a good post today I'm afraid. I'm trying to work through several issues, and figure out where on earth I am supposed to go with them.

In my last post I said I had highs, lows, pain and fun. I pretty much covered the three of the four (and incedently still in a little pain from the run...)

The lows I haven't really touched.

The last month of so has been really bad, GD wise. I can't concentrate, have been back on the valdispeert, my anxiety has peaked again. My work has suffered, and my life outside work has been affected.

Things have really gone south this week. Saturday I could not concentrate on *anything* except the constant anxiety over my GD. I am a telly addict to a degree. I like Saturday nights on BBC 1 (Total Wipeout, Doctor Who, Over the Rainbow) I don't remember anything about the first, the only thing I remember about the second is that it was not the strongest episode I have seen, and the third I just could not get into. I was just totaly inside myself.

Sunday was not too bad, thankfully. The run put the thoughts out of my head somewhat for most of the day and then I got changed when I got home and found peace. I was me. For the whole evening. Not just with the clothes, but totally - I find it hard to explain. But it was the firs time in a while I had shaken the anxiety.

Then that night I felt really guilty about only being anxiety free in that situation - it doesn't bode well for being able to cope now does it. Monday was a nightmare day. Couldn't think about anything, went for lunch with the colleague that I told recently to talk about it more. He would make a great psycologist... However, it brought the thoughts of the night before to the front again. I spent the evening in anxiety mode again, only this time the pills did little to control the physical side of the anxiety. I felt I really needed to dress again and shoot for the same feeling I had Sunday night, but I didn't want to take Mrs Stace's husband away for the second time in two days.

She told to get changed anway if it would help, but then I remember I had to clean the rabbit, and I wasn't going to go into the garden dressed.

That night I told her of my thoughts about not sure how I am going to be able to cope. Neither of us slept well. Me worse than her and at 3am I went to the spare room so as not to disturb her any more.

Tuesday was an absolute zombie day. Not being able to think, and being totally exhausted.

Yesterday went pretty much the same.

Then Mrs Stace told me about something her colleague said regarding regarding death. And I ended up telling her the suicidal thoughts that I have had over the years, many years, since before I was twenty.

Now, I have never *seriously* considered it - I don't want anybody to worry - but standing at train stations I have thought about how a quick jump would stop the constant issues in my head. Or when driving over high bridges etc etc.

After I told her I cried a little - something I can't do very often. I feel that my life is good, if you take a way the GD. But if I feel life is so good why on earth would I work out the best way to end it? And when I go for my first appointment at the VU (that I *hope* to arrange within the next week or two) how on earth is the phychiatrist going to react to that. I can't hide it from them oibviously, but it doesn't sound particularly sane in my head.

I have to say, telling Mrs Stace last night helped a lot. And I do feel better today than I did the last few days.

Never forget

Well I'm just about over the worst of the illness from the last week, as is Mrs Stace, and plan on doing another 15km's on my skates again today.

Thanks for all of your comments on my last post - reading them really touched me (and made me well up a little).

Over the last week I told someone else who I really am.  At the most inopportune moment, with almost no time for him to digest the information.

We had a bi-annual quaterly meeting at the office (yes you did read it right...) and about 5 mins before it started I was on the Valdispert again.  I had been having a bad day - everything going wrong from the second I woke up until that time and it was creeping into an anxiety attack again.  I was with one of the guys I wok with a lot at the office and he asked if I was OK.  I told him it was to do with the issues that surfaced last year, he said again I could talk if I wanted to.  I decided screw it, why not, it would be easier.  So with 5 mins before the meeting started we went for a walk (told you it was not a good moment) and I told him.

He took it well, and said I was not the first person he knew with this.  Then we had to get back and into the meeting.

During the break in the meeting we had a drink and took me to one side so no one would hear and said the following with a look of total seriousness on his face:

'Never forget that no matter what differences there are between your head and your body - you are a great, and very nice, person.  Always remember that'

I'm welling up just writing that - I just thought that it was such a wonderful thing for him to say.  And to take me aside especially to say it.  I'm blown away.

Now to see if my weekend can be as good.
Stace

Who are you looking at

Another entry inspired by a post I've read this week. This time it was Loris post 'No Day But Today'.

Or more specifically the first sentence of the thirs paragraph:
As far as I'm concerned, though, looking back in the mirror I'm seeing more and more of who that person was always meant to be. It may sound incredibly narcissistic, but I'm learning to love myself more than I ever have

She is talking about recovering from a precedure she has had recently (click the link for more info - I can't do it justice here).

It spoke to me though as she says she is seeing more and more of who she was meant to be.

I have always been obessed by mirrors, and have a reputation for being vain (I am - never leave home overnight without a salon style hair dryer and a couple of cans of mousse, pray there is a mirror where I am going). But where most people go wrong is associating that vanity with assuming that I think I look good. I don't, quite the opposite in fact.

I hate seeing myself in a mirror, and yet am also irresistably drawn to it. The reason is that I have no connection with the reflection. I know that it's me. I've been looking at it for three decades. But I still have the feeling I had when I was younger whilst I do my hair in the morning. 'Is that really me, it can't be'. If I'm in a particularly bad place when doing the thinking I can stare at the reflections for minutes.

I guess that comes down to my bad body image in general... I'm at the higher end of the healthy scale at the moment (BMI of between 23 and 24) so I feel I have to try and lose weight. But back before I had a driving license and I cycled everywhere I was 5'10" and 8 1/2 stone (178 and 55KG), fitted size 8 clothes and still *knew* I had to do something to *get* thin again. I annoy my wife and sister in law with this to this day thought I am 20kgs heavier :(.

Thankfully my will power has always been my weak point, and I like food (don't worry I do not have an eating disorder).

Oodly enough I know that it's unhealthy and I can't do a thing about it...

Good news, bad news and running into celebrities

Well what a week this has been...

Back to work after a weeks sick leave - trying to catch up with the mess that happened when I was not here. I don't know whether to take the fact that things fall apart when I'm not here as a compliment or whether it means I am not doing my job right in the first place...

I UPS'd my new amp back to the UK on Tuesday. Brought a nice amp, very happy with the sound and then it broke. Called the shop (in Leicester), they called Cyrus, they said call the importer in Holland who will fix it under the european gurantee. They said we are not touching it. After a lot of discussion it was posted directly to Cyrus on Tuesday, who have said three weeks minmum to fix it...

Wednesday I nearly outed myself to my whole dance class apparently. Since coming out to all my close family I have become to be a lot less mindful of my mannarisms, I haven't started to do feminine manarisms, I've stopped conciously making myself have male manarisms (I've started to relax in their company more) unfortunatley I've also started to relax in other company which I hadn't realised... During the break in the class Mrs Stace and I were talking to the other couples and apparently the way I was holding my arms against my chest were not quite as masculine as I normally try to come over. Add to that long, shaped nails (the only outward sign I give - I stopped biting my nails and love them now - but they are just past the brink of being too long for a man I think) and oops. I don't think anyone noticed - Mrs Stace just pointed it out by making the same guesture dramatically to me when we were all walking off, with a smile I might add.

Yesterday the estate agent came around and looked around the house.

The good news - the house is quite saleable. It's in good condition (except the kitchen) in a good neighbourhood and is a good size (for a Dutch house). It has gone up in value since we brought it.

The bad news - the kitchen will put buyers off because the rest of the house is in too good a condition, it is the only thing that would stop someone simply moving in rather than having to work on it first. For the target market (my age group) this is a downer.
If we put a new kitchen it would help sell the house, but we would lose 5K between the cost of the it and the increase in value of the house.
It has gone up in value - but only to the extent that we would cover the mortgage rather than actually make any money (In Holland you normally take a mortgage to cover the house and costs of buying for your first house rather than putting a big deposit down and paying the costs out of your pocket)

This does mean that one of us taking the mortgage over becomes a real possibility (esp as the mortgage is 200 a month less than I thought we paid - yes I know that I should know these things having signed for it 5 years ago, but it's a direct payment so I don't really thing about it now). I think that we both prefer the option of one of us taking it as opposed to selling it on.

But if we do that it is not fair to the other person to fit a kitchen now out of our joint savings. Swings and roundabouts.

That was a lot to take in, and I think it's going to be a few weeks before we have it worked through in our heads, what with everything else that is going through them.

I also had a conversation with Mrs Stace last night about how surreal everything seems at the moment. Here we are discussing splitting up after 10 years (6 of them married) like we are discussing the weather. No arguments, no pot throwing, no shouting. Just rational discusions. Whilst sitting cuddling on the sofa, or at the table over food. It seems very odd to still be so in love with each other and still talking about these subjects. She agrees. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to shout and scream at each other - there bad things lie - but it just seems surreal.

And then to prove myself a hypocrite I had to stop that direction of thought as it had me on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.

We'll see. I'm neither optimistic, nor pessimistic, just numb and trying to get through the days. Please don't feel too sorry for me just yet - most of the time I don't. I've cried, will cry more in the future probably, but as we are still quite close I'm trying not to worry about what the future holds just yet.

And finally (as they like to say on the news)...

I work in Hilversum - Media City they call it (well mediastad actually but I translated). There are lots of celebs around, and indeed my office is just 2 mins from the MediaPark where most of the TV stations have thir studios etc.

Even so I was a little surprised when a Ducth rapper / TV Presenter Lange Frans ran into me this morning. Quite surprised as I was stopping for a red light at the time...

When swapping names and addresses I thought I know you... So when I got to the office I googled his name and sure enough it came back as him. Drives a lot more down to earth car than I would have expected (2.0D Merc C class). Thankfully Volvo make good towing hitches so it seems the damage is limited to replacing that - the towing ball has been bent by an inch or so and nothing on the car itself. So I have his address, phone number and on Monday I should have his insurance details as well :)

Have a good weekend all,
Stace

Two thought provoking entries

I've just read a couple of entries from two people:

Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia

Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.

I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.

I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:

1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year

Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.

Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.

We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.

Then there was Julia's post.

As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.

When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.

This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?

Stace

Phone call with my parents

I spoke to my parents again this yesterday, I called them on to try and fix their computer (that had in the mean time decide to fix itself).

We got chatting and I mentioned that Mrs Stace was out with her parents and sister. My mum was surprised that I was not there, I said that it was supposed to be a night out for the girls (Mrs Stace, her sister and her mum) as a belated birthday present and that her dad decided to go last minute, probably down to me as it was the first time he had seen her since he found out about me, and he said he was psycologically ready. I appriciate that this is starting to get converluted. That got us on to the subject that we then discussed for the next 90 mins...

What bascially came over was that they are not coping as well as they said they were. They are still fine with me, but are concerned that I am gong to go into transition without thinking as soon as posible.

They also seem to be under the impression that once I start speaking to the therapists later in the year I am going to be pushed to transition at any expense.

I have tried to correct them in this... But that went rather badly as well. In the end I was told that I shouldn't ever transition as I was too manly, just with a very predominant femanine side. Which is not what my mum said on New Years Eve. I am not sure what this is based on except for my love of all things car.

I have to admit at doing something I am not proud of... Something that I feel, but didn't want to say to my mum is that for most of my childhood I constantly heard that 'This is not what boy's do / want / play with / ect'. I didn't want to broach the subject as I didn't want to make her feel guilty about it. But it was the only way I could see out of the conversation loop I was in, and I was starting to get upset by that time, so I said it. It didn't end the conversation, she just said she didn't remember doing it. And I am not blaming her here - I have reason to think that she is lying about remembering.

The other loop that came up was based almost solely on me being married as a reason why I could not be 'all woman', their phrase. If you love a woman you must be a man, otherwise you can't love a woman in any way more than as a close friend. That went around in circles for a while - ending with a point that I know only too well anyway. Mrs Stace isn't that way inclined.

And my mum wants to meet my therapists as she is the only one who knows me... I didn't even start a discussion with that one.

We did have some lighter moments, and ended well. Them re-affirming that they are there not matter what I do decide in the future. They keep stressing that, and saying that they wish there was more they could do. I always answer that by saying be there no matter what I decide.

All in all it did leave me very shaken though. Their two main points hit me quite hard - either I am insane and do not know what I am feeling; or they are just seeing what they want to see, which they kept stressing they were not. I know that they have only known for 24 days and are getting to grips, but I don't know, yesterday was just very difficult.

Ending on a bright note though... I heard my mum use the name Stacy refering to me for the first time, in a pleasent way. I really can't put into words how that made me feel. Crazy isn't it.

Breakdown...

I'm completely spent this morning.

I actually slept very well last night, Mrs Stace suggested that I take Valdispert to help keep me calm over the next week or two and I think it calmed me down enough to sleep.

This morning though I was terrible. She made a comment / asked me an 'interesting' question (not in a nasty way, and I didn't take it in a nasty way) to which I gave her an honest answer - so far so good.

Then I broke down in the shower. My head just kept going through worst case scenario over and over. It took many attempts to button up my shirt as my hands were shaking so much (shaking hands is also a problem I have a lot, but this was excesive).

Then I was on the verge of tears the whole 35 miles to the office - except for the time when she was on the phone (built in, not holding on to anything except the steering wheel!). It got much better until she hung up. I ended up crying 10 mins before the office, it actually released an amount of pressure. After being a very emotional child always being told that I should not cry I find it very hard to do now - I guess I need to learn to accept it...

I'm now worried that she is going to stop making comments - I've told her not to - seeing as this was the way I reacted to the first one...

Whilst I guessed that it would be hard to go through telling her, I never expected it to affect *me* this much. I dread to think what she is going through.

And I have a major headache - which paracetamol is not clearing up at the moment.

I think I am going to have a sit down with my boss and explain that I am going through some hard personal issues at the moment, and that I may need fresh air from time to time.

Update: I just made an appointment with my GP tomorrow (something that Mrs Stace suggested I do)... And now feel really sick.