Seriously...More?

I'm beginning to think that this blog is really just a place where I can chronicle all the bad stuff that seems to fall into my life. What a horrible attitude to have right? Believe me, I'm trying to stay positive. I'm sure that somewhere I asked God for patience or understanding or to simply help me grow and well...He's answering prayer. Oh Lord...must all growing be painful?

Yesterday, we found out that my dad has skin cancer. While no one really was prepared for skin cancer, we're not surprised. My dad was a construction worker for many many years and even today still works mostly outside. The cancer is on his ear and has been there a while (you know men...never want to see a doctor) so they can't just burn it off or freeze it off. Next Tuesday he'll go in and have a local numbing thing and they will cut it off. Supposedly the doctor is really good and knows his cancer so we're all confident that he'll get it all. The only real concern is that if the cancer is deep then there might not be enough skin left to stitch back together the hole. The doctor mentioned skin grafts, but that is a bridge to cross when they come to it.

Surprisingly there is some humor to be found in that...I asked my mom where would they get the skin from and she said maybe his leg or maybe his butt. Of course, why would they put leg skin...with leg hair on it...on his ear. Then I had the thought that he does have some ear hair so what difference would that make. I was sharing this little bit of funny with my friend Rachel and was mentioning that he might have butt skin on his ear to which she reminded me that some guys have hairy butts. So...Daddy might have some funky hair growing out of his ear if grafting is required.

When I first heard, I was understandably upset and scared. And if you don't understand that then you'll want to stop reading right here... My rational, clear thinking brain knew that if he's got to have cancer then this is the kind to have. I know that it isn't on the same level as lung cancer or such. I know that he's got an experienced doctor and that this isn't the bad kind that might spread. Once it is removed, most likely he'll be 100% fine. I know that it doesn't require radiation or chemo...just a local numbing thing in the office and he can go to work the next day. My heart though...it locked on the word cancer. Cancer is bad...people die from cancer. I was scared and worried and needed to have a moment to just be freaked out.

I had three wonderful friends whose first words when I told them were to the effect of disbelief and concern for me and my family. Then came the encouraging words of "It'll be okay!" and "Usually this kind of cancer is treatable and curable!". I had some people rush into saying "Oh you won't have to worry about that." and "That really isn't the bad kind" and "I"m sure he'll be fine." I felt like my feelings and concerns weren't valid. I, unfortunately, took one person's head off even though I know he was just trying to be supportive. The others I just tried to not be sarcastic to and look at their intentions.

My mom said it best...we're sensitive because it is our person that we love so the whole cancer thing (even if it is the kind that shouldn't freak people out and that isn't really much a blip in terms of cancer) effects us differently. I know those people were being supportive and caring. I was just sensitive (and in some cases overly sensitive) to the comments. So, I'm thinking that I'm not going to tell anyone else. Tuesday will come and Wednesday will roll in cancer free so why make a big deal right?

I've shaken off those first frightening reactions to the news, and more calm about things. Still, I feel like saying seriously God...please no more.

400+1

Today someone said to me, "May the trials of 2008 turn into the celebrations of 2009." Lord, I hope that is true. Usually, I love the start of a new year...it is fresh and brimming with possibilities. I suppose this one is much the same, but I'm just feeling a touch weighed down by the last moments of 2008.

As I've already mentioned, my Mimi died (my favorite recent picture of the two of us is on the picture slide show if you wait for it to roll around...it says I heart my Mimi) right before Christmas. In addition, the family dog was put to sleep that very same day and because of the situation it fell to me to take her to the vet. I didn't even get to stay with her...simply handed her off into the arms of someone she didn't know. Charlie, my newest kitty addition, has turned out not to be the stellar traveler that Toby is...stress induced intestinal upset the vet termed it. I would simply say the worst diarrhea ever. My computer had crashed and is now working...sort of. I won't go into the problems still plaguing it, but suffice to say a visit back to the shop is required. Work starts tomorrow and with all this going on I feel like I've had no restful break at all.

I told a friend tonight that I simply wished to just turn my life over to someone else to live and deal with while I found a quiet place to simply rest. Does this sound like depression or just a normal reaction to the crap life has thrown my way?

If you're curious at all about the title of my post, I hit the 400 post mark. It was that last post... I'd had plans to write a very reflective look back at the last few years and the life that was in those 400 posts. Now, I just don't feel up for it. I'm sure post 402 will be fine to be reflective in...what do you think?

Peace

Today I had lunch with a friend at this little hole in the wall place that serves generous portions and delicious pie. The decor is what you'd call eclectic. In and among pie plates and doors made into lighting fixtures is a huge piece of artwork. It is calming colors swirled into a very calming design and the most profound quote graces the entire thing.

peace.

it does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise, trouble

or hard work but rather it means

to be in the midst of all those things

and to be calm in your heart

Lately, I've been trying to listen carefully and pay attention to the voice of God in my life. I know for some, they hear God speaking every day, but for me I have to be listening attentively. Even then I sometimes miss it all together. This has become more important to me lately because I'm seeing how God has open doors and is actively working in my life. That makes me want to listen even more!

I think this quote really touched my heart because my life has become this topsy turvy road that I sometimes feel has no end in sight. There are the every day ordinary things to do, then the extra stuff you never plan on, plus the holiday season and that wonderful madness...it all adds up to a life full of noise, trouble, and hard work being lived. Still, among it all, I've found recently a peace that has taken over my life.

I suppose this is truly where I see God at work because just a handful of months ago, all that "living" would have me spinning. Now, I seem to go with the flow and have an outlook that things are going as they should. I feel at peace with the changes that happened at school (mainly my now essentially teaching 3rd grade), the financial issues that have cropped up (car payment, insurance, etc.), and some personal relationships.

It is pretty neat to not only have other people see the changes, but to notice them in myself. My life is full of noise and trouble and yeah I have to work pretty hard at keeping it all spinning, but my heart finally feels like it is on track for finding rest in and among it all. And that is a very peaceful feeling.

When You Are This Far Behind...

...you never catch up.

But, I'll give it a shot.

Bethany, yep I'm alive but just sort of wrapped up in myself at the moment. This is about the time of year that things start that ever faster spinning. I'm trying to manage everything I can because there are several things beyond my control.

My mouth has finally decided to take a break from seeing how much pain it can endure and started to heal. I've been pain med free for several days now. Actually, besides being a master flusher now (trust me...it isn't as icky as it sounds!), I don't think twice about those holes at the back of my teeth much anymore. And thank goodness the antibiotics have finally worked their way out of my body (in the most unpleasant of fashions might I add...).

So, while one part of my body has recovered another part has decided to break down. Well, break down probably isn't the best way to describe it. I've been spiking low grade temps for the last several days. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and naturally wasn't running fever, but she did think it was worth some lab work. Apparently when they don't know what is wrong with you they test you for everything under the sun. The lab tech took five viles of blood. It was a wonder I was able to walk out under my own steam. To her credit the stick didn't hurt, but by the third vile I was starting to feel woozy. Surely, they can find something in there to explain why my body is going wacky.

I think I'm finally free from HISD (I just want to say it one time...Hell ISD). A couple of weeks ago I called to see what the hold up was in getting my exit interview scheduled. Well, my principal ( you know the one that loves me and thinks I'm the greatest thing to effect the teaching profession) never signed off on my resignation so it was effectively stalled. Now, she signed off on others, but mine managed to slip through the crack. (Breathe in...breathe out...let it go... Sorry, mental pep talk there.) I had to go in and ask for my exit interview to be scheduled and fill out some forms to have my service records sent to SISD. I also gave them my new address information too. I was assured that a certified packet with exit interview materials would be mailed to me within the week. Well, two weeks later and still no paperwork. I called yesterday to find out what the hold up was only to be told that the secretary filled something out wrong and that was why I hadn't been sent anything. And of course they can't do anything until that paperwork has been filled out so again effectively stalled. I went in yesterday and filled out the forms and turned in my badge. You know I don't think I had to work this hard to get hired! Anyway, hopefully all is said and done. There is still plenty to be said and lots of wrongs I still feel haven't been addressed, but, as I told someone yesterday, there are some battles that just aren't worth the fight.

I also haven't been able to get into my new school, which is undergoing renovations. It will be open on August 15. That is ten days before school starts. Yep, I'm nerve wracked because I like to have everything in its place and settled before the year starts. At least I'm not the only one...every teacher (except for four lucky ones) at the school had to pack up this year due to the renovations. I guess that means I'll be in good company, but still a stressful thing. Because I didn't want to have all my stuff (and boy did I accumulate a lot in two years) cluttering up my apartment, I had to rent a storage building for the month of August. I swear it never ends!

Now for the most disturbing news...my baby is sick. Nine days ago I took Toby in for his first round of vaccines and a check up at the vet. The place I took him came highly recommended but I just didn't feel comfortable. The doctor didn't speak much to me rather than the nurse, they kept taking him out of the room for tests (which I know they do, but I've had two vets that did everything right there in the room), and when I called to explain his new symptoms they sort of brushed me off. I know I don't have kids, but Toby is my baby and no Mama (human or feline) likes to be brushed off when her baby isn't acting normal. So, I dumped them and called the vet I started to go with in the first place. Toby hasn't been eating as much (a drastic change from his routine) and has started drinking more water. Also, he's been crying in the litter. This isn't really new, but it has become more animated. I was fully prepared to be told I was an over-reacting pet parent, but instead I was told that Toby has fever, is pale, and that they needed to keep him to watch him and run more labs. Walking out of the vet's office without him was really hard. Hopefully, they will only need to watch him this morning.

For anyone putting together a connection between my unexplained fever and Toby's unexplained illness wait...my mom is three steps ahead of you. It might be possible that the two are related (he's getting much better at taming the clawing and biting, but just last night drew blood on my thigh) but I'm waiting to toss that out to either doctor until someone knows something for sure.

While this probably isn't everything, it is enough to give you a taste of things going on in my life. Even with a few bumps along the way, I'd still say things are going good! And I guess that is all that matters, huh?

Playing Catch Up

You guys really are the best. I've become this horrible blogger recluse, yet I still check my comments daily hoping that you guys haven't followed my terrible lead. And I'm always surprised! Thank you all for the wonderful comments and emails. Even when I'm being unusually quiet, I appreciate the thoughts and support. I'd promise to return the favor, but with my current blogging habits I might just end up being a terrible liar. So, I'm going to take it one day at a time and make time to visit at least one friend every day. Baby steps and all....

Anyway, the vacation time share...excuse me vacation home purchase...turned out to be a lot of hype. But you never know until you go right? I conned my cousin into going with me (promising her the "free" seat next to me on the plane to Vegas and all) and also so she could remind me to be strong and remember my favorite phrase, "No, thank you!" The guy who showed us around was really nice (and cute...but I wasn't swayed) and even took my "No, thank you!" very well. He just asked a manager to come over and talk to me about financing. I couldn't afford this place with the cute guy and even though I was curious about the "deal" this other guy could make me I still couldn't afford it. For those people that could it seemed like a good deal. Well, once I told him "No, thank you!" he became a little rude. Okay, more than a little rude. I believe his exact words were, "Fine, keep throwing away your money." (See they try to sell you on the idea that the money you'd spend on their vacation getaway is less than you'd spend on a year's worth of vacations.) I replied that I didn't think I was throwing away money at which point he stomped away from the table leaving me completely clueless as to what to do next.

When I finally did make it to the prize hut it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I "won" a trip to Aruba that I have to pay to get to, pay to eat and drink at, and pay to get around on. Not so great of a deal. Of course there is the Vegas trip...the one that leaves on Tuesday only between 3pm-10pm and lets us stay at the luxurious Days Inn. The best thing I got was a $40 gas card!

I was finally able to sleep again, but I'm not sure how long it is going to last. It is 9:45 and I'm wide awake. Hopefully a little blogging and then a little in bed reading will help me drift off at a reasonable hour. It is probably because I got the most unprofessional e-mail about my contract today and I'm all up in a stir again. As my mom has told me...let it go and don't pick it back up. Leave it alone! Keep sending me sleepy time thoughts okay...

I've applied at two more school districts. Just a little nibble in Spring but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that somewhere out there someone wants me. And no, Lori...not in Arkansas! It is a waiting game but I've waited before so I'll make it. Patience just isn't my long suit...not by a long shot!

Yes, there is a guy. But that is all I'm willing to share. Right now it is just a friendship (which is how they should all start out right) but I'm open to whatever comes next. We'll see.

There are only 29 days of school left. How does that happen? How can it already be the end of April? Time sure goes fast these days. I've got a great crop of kids this year and it is hard to believe that my time with them is already drawing to a close. They have made great gains this year and I'm so proud of them! And of course they keep me laughing (which I've needed a little bit lately)! The other day we were discussing diagrams and how some diagrams point out the names of parts. This particular diagram was a plane...parts of a plane. We got a little stuck on the word cabin (most thought that was a house) but after some explaining I thought we had it.

Ms. S: "Where does the pilot sit?"
S: "In his seat Ms. Stewart!"

Well, apparently not. But I had to laugh...

Thanks again for hanging in there with me. You bloggers are the best!

Breathing No Longer

My friend Nina isn't just a fellow blogger, but a friend and co-worker. The other day as I was cutting through her room she said, "Are you done breathing yet?" Well, yeah...I'm done breathing.

I've missed my blog and I've missed all my readers! Thank you so much for the encouraging emails and everyone who still stopped by to check in on me. Y'all are the best! Now, how to catch everyone up on what has been happening in my life in the most concise way possible? Several of you know that I can just go on and on about practically nothing... There were several reasons as to why I needed a little down time so I'm just going to give you a brief run down. I promise...brief!

Work...lots of things fall under this heading. Isn't if funny how if you aren't careful work can completely take over your life? This is sort of what happened to me.

Professional Learning Communities...Of The Devil
Okay, some of my fellow teachers may have heard of PLCs. Under it all, PLCs are a wonderful thing. I really do believe in them. PLC means working together as a school and group of professionals to see those kids as "ours" rather than just "mine". It is a very student-centered approach to teaching. The only down side...it is so much data and paperwork! Our district decided that everyone would do this and like it (seriously...a couple of complainers have gotten professional letters of reprimand put in their personnel folders...wtf?) and get it the first time around. Well, let me tell you...doing it takes a lot of time, no one really likes it, and getting it the first time is incredibly hard. It might have been easier if this was the only new thing out district was trying...but it wasn't. Picture me in a batting cage with one very small mitt. Now picture the ball thingy going crazy and firing hard balls every second. Yeah, that is me. Most days when someone comes to my door, I just want to hide under my desk! Believe me, even if I close my eyes they can still see me.

My Bleepty Bleep Principal
The woman hates me! I don't know why and I've stopped trying to figure it out. I had my annual evaluation and well...I'm jumping through a lot of hoops right now. She waited until the very last minute (seriously...Thursday 3:15 was the deadline and she came at 2:10-3:00 on Thursday) and showed up during end of the nine weeks testing. It was in my lesson plans that I would be working one-on-one with testing students and the others would be doing worksheets to keep busy and quiet. Well is it any wonder that she didn't see me teaching? Also, if you're a teacher you know that during reading testing it needs to be quiet. I made one student move closer to me because of behavior (he wasn't working) and I told two others to sit and read. Yes, I didn't hold their hands and plead with them to be quiet and work, but rather quickly and efficiently told them to sit down and get busy reading. Well, apparently my principal doesn't like how I use rules and consequences to manage my classroom. I feel you sighing and rolling your eyes. Anyway, I'm jumping through some hoops for her at the moment. Several people have told me to appeal the evaluation, but it just doesn't seem worth it at the moment. Sometimes it is just not worth the fight.

Updating My Resume and Job Hunting
With the above, is it any stretch to see how I'm looking to leave this district? Now, I'm not expecting perfection somewhere else and I'm not afraid of hard work, but geez I can't take working in this environment any longer. I've been told that not all districts are like this and I shouldn't give up teaching until I've been where it is good. I love teaching and it was a pretty sharp slap in the face when I questioned whether I wanted to continue doing it. So, I've updated the resume and I'm applying all over the place and now I wait to see if I get a nibble. I hate the waiting part!

Relay For Life Captain
Against my will (sorta) and against my better judgement (seriously) I took on the job of co-captaining our school's Relay For Life team. This is a wonderful event for a really good cause, but what was I thinking?! If you've ever headed up a group or team you know that it is almost like pulling teeth to get people to give of their valuable time to join the team, fund raise, and then participate in the actual event. I just felt overwhelmed. I still feel overwhelmed. But I've got a team (a wonderful team!) who help plan fundraisers and are in the trenches with me. And thank goodness it is all over in April!

Biggest Loser Club
At school, a group of us decided to do a little Biggest Loser at school. We donate $8 a month and the person who loses the most by the end of May gets the kitty...the over $500 kitty! I don't know exactly how it happened, but I'm the secretary. It isn't a hard job at all (just send out the weigh-in reminders) but it is one more thing to remember. I even forgot last week...shame shame. Anyway, I'm having fun with the club. We encourage each other and we've started walking one mile each day. Once you push past the initial pain...it's all gravy. Or so we tell ourselves!

Personal...or basically everything else.

Moving
Well, if I'm applying all over the place and assuming that I will get a nibble somewhere else means that a move is in my near future. I hate moving! I've only done it once but that was enough. I have a lot of stuff for a 26 year old. The thought of packing it up and finding another place to put it is very daunting. Yeah, just daunting.

Money
Ugh, how come bills come with being a grown up? I've been trying really hard to stick with my monthly budget (I haven't bought a new purse or shoes in many moons...) and save has become my mantra. That whole moving process...not cheap! Also, I have some big trips that I want to take (visit a friend in Jordan next year and maybe take another cruise). I also want (won't say need because mine is still working and running smoothly) to get a new car. For some reason, most people don't accept smiles and words of kindness. Also, for the last few months I've had outrageous energy bills. I couldn't figure out why since I was leaving the thermostat alone and either taking clothes off or putting more clothes on to be comfortable, but the bills were still over $200! Well, I called and the first thing they asked me was, "Have you changed your air filters lately?" I didn't know what the air filter was let alone where it was located in my house...seriously I thought it was the thing outside. Anyway, can you guess how long it had been since they'd been changed considering I didn't even know where it was located?! Let's see...I've lived here for almost two years. Yep, it was pretty darn gross. So, here is to hoping that my bill goes back down ASAP!

Social Calendar
I like hanging out with my friends, but I love alone time too. Well, I'd gotten a little bit out of whack. I wasn't spending enough time alone. It is great that I can go out and hang with friends, but I wasn't getting enough time to just recharge and rest. My battery was on E. I'm a people person so it was hard at first to say no, but now I'm pretty good at it. I've found the balance between enjoying being a homebody and the social butterfly. Thank goodness!

Missing My Parents
It was great being with my family over the holidays. I've been completely blessed to have such a great relationship with parents. Once I came home after the holidays and my life seemed to just implode, I really hated that they were over 5 hours away. Coming for a little pick me up visit was out of the question and getting home wasn't an option either. Being only a phone call away isn't much comfort and is a poor substitute for warm hugs. Thankfully, I'm seeing them this coming weekend and in two weeks it is Spring Break, and before I know it summer will be here. This has just been a long stretch.

Dental Surgery
Last August, my dentist told me that I'd need to have my four wisdom teeth removed or I'd risk ruining my smile. Of course it couldn't be routine...my wisdom teeth lay sideways instead of sitting up normally. So, that means some dental surgery this summer. Luckily, I discovered that I signed up for dental insurance (a total mistake by the way!) so 80% is covered. That is sort of a relief, but the thought of being put to sleep...I'm not comfortable with it.

There you go. Aren't you glad you just read about it and weren't living it?!

Taking A Breather

I've been debating back and forth on whether or not to even make this a post, but after two emails from caring readers (y'all are the best for sensing something was off and asking about me!) I've decided to not just disappear without some sort of an explanation. I need to take a breather from blogging. Hopefully, it will just be a short break. I have many things on my plate and many more things on my mind these days. When I get home, trying to string two sentences together, let alone an entire post, seems like a daunting task. Plus, some of the things I have going on are things that I don't feel I can share yet. I need some self-reflection time before I just blurt it out into cyber space. So, for a while this blog may stay very much unchanged. I enjoy the blogging community so much so I hope you guys hang with me while I breathe! And, I will still be lurking in your comments...reading is the easiest part of the whole blogging experience! Thanks for understanding!

Make 'Em To Break 'Em

This morning I spent several minutes going back and looking at the posts I wrote last year about this time. Does anyone else ever do that? Sometimes I find that it is a great measuring stick to see what was stressing me, making me happy, driving me nutty, turning me on a year ago. A few things have stayed the same and somethings have been resolved. Either way it is nice to look back at where I've been.

Which brings me to the point of where I'm going. New Year's resolutions have been on my mind lately. Last year I made the standard I'll-lose-some-pounds and exercise-is-my-friend type resolutions, but I made a lot of fluff ones too. I went back this morning and took a closer look. I'm still not sure if I should say sadly, but more were broken resolutions than ones that were kept. Which makes me wonder...will I be setting myself up for failure if I make a whole new batch of them this year?

I feel a need for change this coming year. I need to change some things professionally and some things personally. And I want to make a commitment and stick to it as well. Luckily I have a few more days to ponder what sort of things I want to write down as my big goals for 2008. And even if I can't keep them all and some might be just fluff I'm pretty sure I'll write them down. It's like taking the first step and I'm expecting that 2008 will be a year of a lot of first steps.

Don't Want To

The hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to...we get addicted for a reason right?

Bits And Pieces

Though I should really call this post "It Is All Lori's Fault!". I'm going to fill you in on all the little things that prompted the post below, but I thought I'd start with the big things first. So, again it is all Lori's fault! A few weeks ago, she was posting about having snake troubles at her house. I left a comment jokingly saying that I was going to have to stop reading her blog because I was scared this might somehow become something at my house. (Side note: Lori and I are surprisingly alike in a lot of ways so I figured it was only natural!) So, anyone making a guess about what I'm fixing to relate?! Let's all say it together...it is all Lori's fault! Yes, dear readers, I had an experience with a snake.

I usually work late on Fridays at school unless I have plans. I like getting settled for the next week without having to wag all that stuff home. Well, I didn't make it home until close to 7pm. It was already getting dark, but thankfully the porch light came on when I pulled up. (I just replaced the motion censor bulb...thank heavens!) I was busy looking for my keys as I started up the porch steps when I felt (yes...it slithered over my foot!) something go over the toe of my shoe (which were the full coverage running shoe type) and then I heard the slither sound. I continued up the steps thinking it was a lizard. I've had those before remember? Anyway, I turned to look because I was still hearing the slither. That is when I saw it. I stopped and just stared. I didn't scream except in my head. It stopped and tried to blend in with some leaves. I left it down there and hurried on into my house...where I promptly went hysterical.

I called my mom and reached her voicemail. I'm sure the message I left will be quite funny at some later point! Anyway, then I did the mad search of my house to make sure there weren't any in my house. As I flung back the shower curtain, cautiously peeked under the toilet lid, and felt up the foot of my bed I kept telling myself that there is no way that snakes can get into my house. Now before you try to educate me, I'd like to just say that I prefer ignorance people! My mom already explained the awful truth but let me just be blissfully ignorant okay?!

I've already peeked out on the porch and can't see anything amiss, but I can tell you that it will be a quick hop off the bottom step and run to my car when I go out later! Compared to that experience the rest of the week has been a piece of cake.

At work, our team had decided to do secret Santas instead of getting everyone on the team a present. I loved the idea! There is something about a lot of little holiday happiness gifts along the way. Anyway, our campus decided to do this too. I'm a giver so what can I say, I signed up for that one too! It probably isn't a secret but there is a small group of ladies at work that really work over my nerves and I had been hoping that I wouldn't draw one of their names. Wouldn't you know I did. I decided that God probably had a hand in that pick. I know that you can give without wanting to, but you lack that good feeling when you do. So, I decided to focus on the fact that I do enjoy giving and I'm going to proceed with holiday spirit. It also doesn't hurt that my secret Santa is fabulous! I've gotten two gifts this week that have been perfect (purple pens and a cooking magazine) and I had a thought that what if one of those ladies is being Santa for me. They are doing a great job and perhaps this is the season to just let those frustrations go. If you only knew how big of a decision that is for me...I'm not a let-it-go kind of girl by nature. So, it is true. Giving with a joyful heart feels pretty darn good!

Isn't it funny how you have the whole month of December to fill with holiday events, but they all seem to culminate in one week?! Here is what my calendar looks like for next week:
Monday: Wrap Bunco gifts (I'm the hostess this month...seriously what was I thinking when I agreed to that!)
Tuesday: Take off the afternoon to cook the meal for Bunco (another hostess responsibility) and get everything taken to Bunco location and set up.
Wednesday: Staff development (which probably means more work dumped in my lap if I go by previous staff development days)
Thursday: Christmas concert
Friday: Work Christmas party (except without the happy hour out with the girls unlike last year. It made it more fun, but I'm sure it played a part in myself getting up for the Christmas carol singing game...)
Saturday: Another Christmas concert and then a sleepover in Houston

Throw in some holiday baking and present wrapping and the week is incredibly full. I've felt a little bad because I haven't been reading and commenting like I normally do, but it seems like everyone is busy this time of year. Last night I made the commenting rounds and I'm glad to read that most of you are enjoying the holiday season! As crazy as this time of year is, it is still one of my absolute favorites!

No Kidding...

There are no words at the moment. Just one busy life...all parts of my life. Every time I get overwhelmed I simply look at this and I feel a tad bit better!

With A Thankful Heart

It is hard to believe, but there are only six school days left before the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm happy about that fact because first, it's a holiday and second, I'll get to spend several days with my family, and third, cornbread dressing and cranberry sauce. Also, I put up all the Christmas decorations that weekend too. It is hard for me to keep that excitement to a minimum! Anyway, since Thanksgiving is literally around the corner, I thought I'd take some time and reflect on some of the many things I'm thankful for in my life.

Family
I love my family...every last nutty one of them! Being an only child, I've always been close to my parents. Every memory I have of them is wrapped up in love. As I've gotten older I've come to appreciate more and more the wings my parents gave me. I know that my parents will support me (though not always the decision I'm making) and love me no matter what. That kind of love and support has allowed me to grow and find my own place in the world. For that I'll always be thankful. I know I don't say it enough, but I feel it all the same. I love my family!

Friends
This is a pretty corny saying, but friends really are the family you choose for yourself. (And y'all know how I feel about family!) I've always made friends easily. Along the way, I've discovered that those friendships most precious to me require the most work. That work has resulted in many long lasting friendships. I'm lucky to still have friendships with girls I met in Brownies in the first grade. I've also learned to appreciate the different aspects of friendships. There are those friendships made the "old fashion" way (like those from school or with co-workers) and then there are you guys...the "new fashion" way! If friends really are the family you pick for yourself then I've done some pretty darn good pickin'!

My Passport
I love pulling that little blue book out of the desk drawer and knowing that there are all sorts of possibilities there. I know the travel bug was partially passed from my parents, but they'd laugh at that! They loved to take day trips...no plan no certain destination in mind. I'd grab my pillow, a book, and music and grudgingly get in the backseat. Who would have thought that girl would grow up to want to explore everything in the world?! It is only fair to say that I still hate that "by the seat of your pants" kind of travel, but the going, seeing, and doing runs deep in my veins. For that sense of exploration, I'm grateful!

That Flaky Boss
In the short years that I've been part of the working set, I've only had two bosses that were major flakes. Don't get me wrong...you can love that flake but working for her is the pits. I'm not sure I'd use love to describe my current one, but I'm thankful for her all the same. Some days I can't see it, but I'm learning patience and perfecting the art of working with others. I've discovered that I'm not perfect (well which I already knew) but no one else is either. I'm sure somewhere down the road I'll appreciate the easy boss because I've learned to deal in a mature manner with the one that isn't so easy. The whole give and take is a growing thing for me. And growing is always a good thing, right?!

This 1970s Mobile Home
When I thought about my "first place" I never exactly envisioned this place. It's had its share of fixer upper moments but that has caused me to appreciate all the days when nothing goes wrong. And well all those times when wild life comes in for a visit have taught me that I can handle killing my own bugs. I don't like it and I still wish my daddy was close enough to yell for, but at least I don't scream and want to jump on the nearest piece of furniture. I've had a lot of good memories in this old place. I know I'll take them all with me when I moved to that place I have been envisioning!

The Crush
Oh the crush...if he only knew, right?! I enjoy that little something that happens when I think about him. It's still sweet and good. Anyway, though he probably doesn't have a clue I'm thankful for him. He helps me remember that you never know the possibilities that life will toss at you. Sometimes you just have to be brave and decide something is worth the effort...even if in the end it isn't how you thought it would be. Self, be brave!

Sudden Link
I know I know...y'all are rolling your eyes. Only I would be thankful for the cable company right?! Sometimes you just have to be thankful for the simple pleasures. Curling up on my bed or the love seat and watching something on TV is one of my favorite simple pleasures. Comfy pajamas, Sonic commercials, and the remote...what isn't to be thankful for?!

The list could go on for a very long time. I've been truly and well blessed in my life. So, I'm looking forward to this time of year with a thankful heart. A very thankful heart!

And So It Begins!

Christmas!

Seriously, I'm so excited about and ready for this holiday. I love this time of year. Everyone seems a little bit happier and even the hustle and bustle of the season is appealing. I was in Walgreens Wednesday morning (incredibly early because I forgot I was responsible for the cookies and milk for the activity that day) and they already had the Christmas trees up and decorated! I think I hummed Christmas carols all morning.

I do love this time of year, but it's not for the gift-getting. Well, I wouldn't be completely honest if I didn't admit to liking that part, but it isn't the main reason why I love this season. This season appeals to me because first it represents a huge part of my faith. The Christmas season always causes me to reflect upon the greatest gift ever given...Jesus. Also, this season is about family and loved ones. And in case you couldn't tell, I'm very much a family and loved one kind of girl.

Life is pretty stressful right now. Unfortunately for me, life isn't picky. It's spread the stress everywhere...work, family, my love life, my check book, and friends. Stress doesn't always mean bad stuff but it just means stress. Thankfully, Christmas shopping, Christmas wrapping, Christmas card writing, holiday baking (I know...who would have thought this girl would actually spend hours in the kitchen cooking!), holiday parties, and such take that stress right away. I'm so happy this season is beginning!

Now, if you'll excuse me...I'm feeling in the mood to make a Christmas gift list!

Lock Down

Our school went into lock down today. That basically means that you need to stay in your classroom and lock your doors. You also need to know where your kids are at all times. The whole lock down happened because a prisoner escaped from a local prison, killed a prison guard, took a hostage, and was considered armed and dangerous. I suppose this situation is bound to happen what with living in a town known for it's prison system. The whole situation was resolved by late this afternoon, but not without the death of at least one person and several people probably traumatized. Thankfully, the kids were blissfully unaware of what was happening outside of the school walls.

The world we live in is a scary one. In college, the professors don't teach you what to do when the angry student confronts you with a gun or what to do with the verbally abusive parent who thinks you can do no right in regards to his child. How to comfort the child that had no food last night and no one to tuck her in isn't a class you'll find in any course catalog. The strength and courage to put yourself on the line for a child that isn't yours is something that you must already have inside when you decide to become a teacher.

Even though I knew we were relatively safe inside our classroom and our day continued without upset, I couldn't help but think about what we'd do if for some reason we weren't completely safe. And I knew that I'd do whatever I could do to protect those sixteen babies in my classroom. One of my boys asked me later in the afternoon why we went into lock down. I told him that sometimes it is important to practice ways that teachers keep students safe. He replied with, "You'd keep me safe?" What else could I say? "Of course I'd do anything I could to keep you safe." Whatever that anything might be, I know that something inside of me would would allow me to do it without a second thought or a moment's hesitation. And that is kind of scary too.

Religious Field Trips

Don't fret...this isn't a religious "I'm-going-to-convert-you" type of post.

Having grown up in the middle of the Bible belt, my faith and love of God has always played a major role in my life. Thankfully, I was blessed with parents that taught me the importance of God and took me to church and actively lived their faith as an example for me. Regardless of what your faith is, I'm sure you can agree that having parents that practice what the preach is always an asset. Anyway, while my parents took me to church and lived Christian lives in front of me they didn't raise a religious nut either.

Please don't misunderstand, my faith is strong and important to me. I believe Jesus Christ was the Son of God, was born of a virgin, and died and was resurrected to save me from eternity in Hell, but I also don't try to push that on to other people. Christians have gotten a bad rap for being a bunch of religious nuts who are judgemental and hypocritical. And some are, but most of us aren't.

Anyway, religion as a whole has become a fasination for me over the last several years. Some people might see that as my faith is wavering, but I assure you that it isn't. I know this interest began when I met my friend Becky. She was raised Catholic (and I hope she doesn't mind me saying that on here) and I was raised Baptist. When we were roommates in college she would sometimes take me to Mass with her on Saturday night and she'd occassionally come to Sunday school and service with me on Sunday morning. She never pushed her religion onto me and hopefully she feels the same way about me. It was neat to get to see and experience something totally different from the way I was raised. And she was always patient with all my questions about her faith. I'm curious by nature so I asked everything and anything. I really enjoyed picking her brain about the Catholic faith.

Here lately, I have another friend that allows me to indulge that curiousity in regards to the Jewish faith. Sometimes I worry that I'm offensive in my lack of knowledge of the faith, but he's always patient with helping me understand certain traditions. I honestly find it fasinating! Anyway, something was said today (and now I can't even remember what it was) but I discovered that one of our new teachers is Jewish too. She was impressed I knew that today was Yom Kippur. I really should have said it was because it was written on my calendar but nonetheless she was impressed. Of course I didn't know what it meant (evidenced in the fact that I wished her a Happy Yom Kippur to which she replied that it's not exactly a happy holiday) but she appreciated it all the same. Hey sometimes it really is the thought that counts! She's not a religous nut either (her words) because she's rather relaxed on certain things in her faith.

I mentioned to her my enjoyment of learning about other faiths and she said I'd have to come with her to a service sometime. That's when I told her about how Becky and I would visit each other's church. She loved the idea of a religious field trip to explore another faith. We spent about twenty minutes talking about the differences in our faiths and comparing notes on the parts that were similar. She even jokingly gave me homework (find out three facts and bring her an article of Jewish clothing...silly girl!) but I think I'm going to take her up on the offer to visit her church. I mean synagogue. Anyway, I think it'll be neat to go and add this to my religous experiences.

Now, I feel like I should add that while I do enjoy learning about other faiths this only strengthens my own faith. I feel that I bring an open mind to the table (though not so open my brains might fall out) and can experience it without worry that I'm converting or losing my own faith along the way. I still feel strongly that my faith is right and true, but it never hurts to say that you've got some knowledge about other religions under your belt. And that is how I look at it...learning about something new while not forgetting what is most important at the center of my life and faith.

I think that makes me a well-rounded person right?!

Use Kind Words

At our school we model and encourage everyone to be friends. More importantly we use the term friend instead of classmate. For example, I remind the kids daily that we have to walk quietly in the hall because we don't want to disturb our other friends in another class. It really helps build that sense of community and friendship. Lately, I've been having to remind my students daily to use nice kind words with their friends. And that is a little troubling.

Then I realized that lately I'm having to remember to use kind words with a friend of mine. And that's even more troubling.

Remember when everyone was your friend and your world basically crashed when the hurtful words "I'm not gonna be your friend anymore!" were tossed out? I've been on both sides (though mostly in my younger days) and I think it hurts all the way around. With my kids, I can remind them that it hurts when we hear that (even if we don't really mean it) and that we need to treat people the way we would want to be treated. As grown-ups it's a little more complicated.

What do you do when you treat someone (insert friend's name here) the way you'd like to be treated and his/her response is nothing? I really think it's a fine line between getting one's panties in a wad over nothing and truly having the right to be upset. And right now I'm not sure which side of the line I'm on. That is a frustrating place to be.

This isn't something I'm proud to admit and it's cost me a few friendships through the years but I'm the type that would rather shut down and walk away rather than confront someone about how they feel about a friendship with me. I remember this one friend, Trisha, in middle school. (I know...middle school...we're so mature about things at that age but just go with it.) She was really nice and friendly to me and others in our circle and then suddenly she just stopped talking to me. She'd say hi in the hallway, but that was it. I didn't have the courage to flat out ask if I'd done something or if she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I didn't want to hear the answer if it was yes. So, I stopped talking to her and the friendship simply faded. I still don't know if it was because I'd done something or not...I never did ask.

Unfortunately, I'm still that way in friendships and now that I'm older relationships. I'd rather break ties first than be the one left. And instead of having a huge blow up I simply keep silent and back away. That sounds pretty pathetic huh?

Anyway, I don't know if this post was just a ramble or if I have a point I'm trying to make. I just know that I have a friend (at least that is how I think of our relationship) and I'm kind of tired of trying to reach out to come back with nothing. I don't like not knowing where I stand. I don't like not having control over this situation.

I miss my friend.

One Tuesday Morning

It's hard to believe that it has been six years since the attack at the World Trade Center. Just this morning, I mentioned that fact to another teacher as I was writing the date on my white board. We both took a moment to remember and reflect about the effects of that day and then we had to get on with today. I know that sounds callus. And I'm sure there are many people that are still struggling to get on with today because they are mired down in the hurt and pain from that Tuesday morning six years ago.

I suppose that 9/11 was my generation's "you'll always remember where you were" event. I know that I won't ever forget. Despite it being a national tragedy, I was in the middle of my own personal crisis that day. My mom was in the hospital recovering from surgery that we weren't sure she'd pull through. My whole world had shrunk to me and how fast could I get back to the hospital to be with my mom. (I was in college and had classes each day...2 hours away.)

I remember waking up that morning (later than my friend Becky...my roomie at the time) and hearing something on the radio about an airplane accident in New York. Y'all know I don't watch much news (and I watched even less then) but I did turn on the T.V. and Becky and I were horrified to discover that it was a deliberate attack. Still not even sure what to think or feel we went on over to the dining hall for breakfast. Every T.V. in the room was tuned to some news station. I remember feeling like this was so unreal. I went on to class only to have our professor tell us to go home and watch the news...we were seeing history in the making. And that is exactly what we did...went home and watched the news.

Everyone has their own memories and thoughts about that day, but I think the important thing is that we remember.

Could It Get Any Worse?!

Ever had one of those days where you want to ask "Can this day suck anymore?" but you don't dare let that pass your lips because you can think of a thousand ways it can get worse? That was my day yesterday.

I had gone to Houston on Sunday to help my cousin move in to her new apartment. I'm thrilled that she's going to be so close to me now! Anyway, I was pretty much all thumbs the whole time I was there. I don't recall ever being that clumsy in such a short amount of time!

It started when we went to visit her school (she's a teacher too!) and I was helping her haul things inside. She had one of those square crates with wheels and a handle. Well, I loaded that down and then pulled too hard on the handle...which promptly broke. To her credit, she didn't yell or get mad at me (which I certainly would have understood) but it was just another thing in a line of things that was making her day suck. I wonder if sucky days come in pairs?!

Anyway, once we were in her classroom I noticed she had a map on one side of the room. You remember those maps. The ones that rolled up into that think in the ceiling and the teacher had to yank a few times before it'd roll back up. Well, I pulled it down a little to see what map it was (seriously it was the teacher in me...) and well it wouldn't go back up. So I kept pulling it down a little thinking that would make it go back up. It didn't. By the time I was done I'd pull it several inches past the stop point. At this point I was thinking it would be best if I just sat down and kept my hands to myself! Thankfully, another teacher was able to give it the magic touch and it rolled up perfectly.

That afternoon we went shopping to pick up a few needed items for her classroom. Thankfully, I was fine at the first couple of stores. I touched but nothing disastrous happened as a result! Then we got to Target. I love getting Icees at Target. Well, they were out of my favorite flavor (cherry) and that should have been my first clue that I needed to just get a soda. Anyway, I got a Coke Icee. I stopped filling it way before it hit the top, but it still grew. And by grew I mean that it started rising above the hole in the top of the cup. I was sucking as fast as I could without getting a brain freeze. It dripped over the side a little bit, but not too bad. At least I didn't get it on my shirt! I sat it in the basket, admittedly a little hastily, and it promptly fell over to the side sending brown icee onto the basket and floor. Thank goodness my aunt wasn't right in front of the basket or she'd have gotten it all over. I cleaned up that mess and propped my cup up with my purse. Thankfully, I managed to make it out of Target without any further incidents.

But that wasn't the case with the car! Again the icee...I was in the backseat and balanced the cup on my leg so I could get something out of my purse. Well, I moved a fraction of an inch and over the cup went again. Though this time it was more liquid than icee. I managed to drench my foot and flip flop and a pretty good size part of the floorboard. I asked my aunt for some napkins to clean it up. She said not to worry as many things had been spilled in that car from kid gunk to man gunk. We weren't quite sure what man gunk was but we didn't really want to ask either! While I had enough napkins to clean up the carpet I had to leave my foot alone. So, here I am thinking this day couldn't get worse, the icee is now drying and beginning to stick to my foot and my white flip flop, and then we hit traffic. I mean creep along kind of traffic. Oh well!

When we got back to my cousin's apartment I felt it was time to get the heck out of dodge and head home! And pray that my klutzy streak was over. Now I'm not too familiar with Houston, but I am pretty good with maps. Apparently verbal directions aren't the same as maps. My cousin told me to go to the left but when I got there the options were right or straight. So I went straight even though my gut was saying right. I am NOT blaming her...we're both pretty new to navigating Houston. I just got to take a little trip around Houston on the loop. The very long loop. I was pretty sure that the loop would get me to the interstate I needed...eventually. Did I mention how long that loop was?! I was beginning to think I'd never get off it. I'd forever be going in circles around Houston. After about three hours (which it should only take one!) I was finally pulling into my driveway.

That relief to be home lasted about two seconds. I noticed that my house was unusually dark compared to the neighbors. The hot silence that greeted me when I opened the door wasn't that much of a surprise. The power was out...again. This has happened three times in the last three weeks. I've had just about enough of it! I called and the company said that it wasn't out anywhere else so I must have just blown a breaker. The one in the house was fine so it must have been the one out by the meter. That one is surrounded by a huge bush and possibly snakes and spiders. No way! I'm not sure I'd do it in the day light let alone at 10:00 pm at night. I called back to say just that when my neighbor came over. He checked it out for me but nothing appeared to be wrong. I called the power company back and we discovered that a transformer had blown at the pole. It was a long and hot hour and half while they fixed it. Thankfully, the power was back on before I went to bed. And by the time I went to bed I was so ready for this day to be over!

Thankfully, as I'm typing this and reliving yesterday I can find a lot to laugh about...now. And I guess that's a good thing. Like they say, things do look better tomorrow!

Ponderings

He said don't feel guilty.
She said guilt wasn't what she felt.

And that was the truth and at the same time a lie. She'd told herself she wasn't going to cross that line again...with anyone...the line of being fine for a moment, but not enough for the long run. Crossing that line always left her feeling a little used and caused a trimmer of self doubt.

When he told her not to feel guilty she found it slightly amusing that the guilt she felt wasn't because of what they had done but rather in her lack of regretting it. She fully understood what those moments of hollow pleasure would do and how she'd feel, but that obviously wasn't enough to keep her from going headlong into the situation. And if she was deep down honest, she'd probably cross the line again if given the opportunity. She couldn't help but wonder if just a tiny part of her was growing hard and cold.

Would she never learn?

New Life

Ahh...is there anything more precious or sweet than the potential that comes with a brand new life? These adorable little boys are the blessings that belong to my friends John and Shari. I met the twins in March and I can't wait to see them again. I hear they are growing and changing daily. Every time I see a picture of them (or any baby) I think about all the potential they have and can't help but imagine what life will hold for them. Only the best I hope! It also makes me think about my life and all the potential I still have. So as I wonder what life has in store for these little boys I also feel an excitement about what life still holds in store for me!

Taylor and John...I hope life only holds the best for you, but if there are times when that doesn't seem true I hope you will always feel the love and support that surrounds you now!