Can't do this thing alone....

I've had a sense of loneliness come over me this last week or so, but perhaps sense isn't the correct term. It is more of an attendance to the fact that I have been lonely all along; perhaps for a very long time, perhaps my entire life. I have had many friends and been many places. I have experienced many things and helped many people with my life. But in the end as I look back I'm not sure if there's any time that I've had a sense of being together with someone... a sense of home and a sense of belonging. My entire life I have felt an outsider and at times have successfully numbed that feeling, but it persists within me.

I suppose what I'm looking for in a significant other is precisely that which I have been missing my whole life--the sense of being at home. I'm not really looking for someone who has a nice car, or someone who's fun, or someone who's famous... I can have many of these things on my own... but what I cannot seem to develop without another is the sense of being at home, the sense of being welcomed and loved no matter what.

Yes I'm still gay, but at times my sex drive dries up because my heart begins to focus on the more crucial aspect of being gay, namely our ability to connect, love, and truly care for those of the same gender. It is this ability to find value in another--to see a home in them--that is truly the most important aspect of being gay (at least in the long run).

Don't get me wrong I want the sex, but the sex is only a part of what I'm looking for. I imagine that hookups can be just as alienating as any other experience, they can make one feel that they are even more at loss and without a home.

so yea I'm sick of doing this thing alone and I'm not sure if I can fully flourish without someone else in my life. I think that committed relationships are such a fundamental part of human existence, and I really need to experience that.

But first I have to wade through the shit... the shit of a gay community which is so infected with insecurity and pathological practices that often men can't form committed relationships. The shit of countless men trying to take advantage of me and dealing with those who are attractive and alluring but all together incapable of loving others as they should.

Hopefully one day I will find what I am looking for, and hopefully they will find me.

Jordan

ps this song strangely captures my mood

am i gay?

seriously, like wtf...
I've met 5 guys for dates now (including the one guy I made out w/) and have not really found any of them attractive. The one last night was dec looking, but i just wasn't digging him. When i go out and meet gay guys I rarely find them attractive... like maybe 1/30. And right now i feel like I actually don't have a sex drive...
It's really bothering me actually It's like I don't want to do anything sexual with anyone. Maybe it's just cuz i'm tired, I'm not sure.
Also... Last night I found a pair of breasts somewhat attractive... like wtf! Sex drive, please be consistent.
It's weird cuz last week i was unspeakably horny and ready to get it on with guys.

But yea anyways. Last night was good just hung out with this new guy, he's pretty chill and could be a good friend, and maybe more if i start getting attracted to him.

I just feel bad cuz all the guys I meet or go out with seem to be into me and it's never reciprocated. I don't think i can really control who i'm into, but it's kinda frustrating that I'm not into anyone and seem to have no sex drive...

Another Date

So... I'm about to be off on another date... fourth one since I got back from this summer. We'll see how it goes, wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes...
I'm turning into a dating machine btw... it's kinda redic

Dangerous Territory

So, meeting guys is turning out to be way more complicated than I anticipated. Apparently gay guys can be just as big as, if not bigger, douches than straight guys are. So yea... where to start...

Last weekend I met this guy through the internet who seemed cool. He wasn't that attractive and I knew I wouldn't be into him, but he wanted to go to the gay bars. I had nothing to do that night so I figured why not and went with it.
The guy was a good guy and I think I'm making good friends with him which is good. He's smart and is a very knowledgeable person when it comes to the gay world, among other things.
As for the gay bar... I felt very out of place there. I was a lot more muscular and bigger than everyone there. I was getting stared at quite a bit and if I would have taken up everyone on their offers to buy me alcohol I probably would have wound up in detox. Not only did I stand out quite a bit but I felt I didn't have much in common with the guys there. A lot of them, no offense here, were stereotypically gay... they talk in a certain way, wear a certain brand of clothing, and like the same music... Not that there's ne thing wrong with that... i just wish there would have been more gay athletes at the bar... but apparently those are quite rare :(
I saw like two hot guys in the whole place, so that was discouraging as well.

So yea that was last weekend. This weekend I was hanging out w/ Aaron his gf and another friend. We went to see a movie downtown, bu then Aaron had to take his gf home, which is too bad cuz i haven't seen him in ages. but whatevs. So i was already in the city when my friend from last week, we'll call him Drew, sent me a text saying I should go out with him to the bars with him. So I figured why not... I'm a pretty open guy to experiencing things and wanted to see if it would be different this time.

This time was quite awkward... for one I ran into the guy who I made out with last summer... we said some polite words but then he like ignored me... not sure what that was about. I got offered more drinks from drunk men who I'd never be interested in. I would meet people who would start talking to me, obviously interested, and Drew was next to me and people would ask if we're together and he'd say no and then it seemed like they all of the sudden turned on him and tried to steal me awya from him... i don't know if i described that well... but it seemed like there was a lot of manipulation and keniving... a lot of talk that was said wasn't honest and was intended more to get into someone's pants than to actually get to know people... it was very weird for me. I'm an honest person and don't like it when people lie or put out an image of who they are in order to manipulate others... totally not cool. I'm sure this isn't completely characteristic of gay bars either... straight guys are just as intent on saying whatever it takes to get into a chicks pants.

When I was there this weekend I also got approached by this middle aged guy who has worked in the modeling industry and thinks I should be a model... he seemed nice at first and actually prbly had legit references to get me into the modeling industry... but after a while I felt creeped out and like he was trying to get into my pants....
I've also gotten offered money for sex several times online....
Damn, what won't guys do to get some...
I really thought finding someone I liked would be easier. I thought once I started looking I'd just find someone to go out with... it really hasn't turned out that way and it is kinda frustrating... but i think i just need to be patient and wait for the right person.

Alright
peace out

Jordy

Coming Out to my Sis

Last week after my second date I was hanging out with my sister and we were talking about stuff just hanging out. The topic of conservative Christianity came up and my sis said she hates the fundamentalists and has pretty liberal views compared to them. So I asked what were her views. She said that she doesn't think someone is going to hell if they're gay... she said that the hate towards gay people, among others is wrong.
So I decided to come out to her. I just told her I was gay. She was really cool about it and said she was glad that I told her. She hugged me and nothing changed.

I'm starting to think that this whole coming out thing was easier than I made it out to be. I'm kinda determined to come out to more people in my life because in the end it will only make me a happier and better person. Sure my dad didn't fully react the way I would have liked him to, but I don't think that means everyone is going to react that way...

The sooner I come out to everyone the more authentic I will feel and the sooner I can start living a good life.

That being said I really wanna come out to Aaron next week.

Alright, I'm over and out

date with the second guy

So my second date didn't go much better than the first. The guy was nice and all, but as with the last date, I wasn't attracted to this guy in person. He has an athletic body, but he has some things working against him: he is shorter than me, prbly 5'8 or 5'7... i'm 6 ft, I just felt like a giant next to him, and couldn't at all imagine kissing him... I could probably pick him up with one arm and toss him across a room. The other thing that killed it was his teeth. He had some mishapped and mis-colored teeth--another reason i wouldn't want to kiss him.

Personality wise he seemed to complain about other people a lot, and I'm not a huge fan of people that bitch about others. He also was kinda stereotypically gay, which I'm not that into.

For the date we hung out at restaurant and went out and walked around the town. it was ok I suppose, and it was good to get experience dating a guy. Not to like brag, but I think I'm actually a good date, I ask good questions and try to make things fun.

As the date wore on I could tell this guy was into me more than I was into him, and so that whole, "oh shit he likes me, i gotta run!" mentality kicked in... If I'm not sexually into a guy it just gets awkward for me when they are. maybe this is my inexperience or it's just who I am.
I haven't talked much to this guy since the date... oh well plenty of fish in the sea, right?

New Layout and Pics

I was getting sick of my old layout and pics, so I changed it up. I think this one kinda sucks, but let me know what you think... Any suggestions would be nice.

I really wish blogger had more templates, does ne 1 know where I can download some?

so yea this is gonna be what the layout looks like, please don't stop reading just cuz there isn't a beautiful pic of a boy on my front page.

p.s. read my new post below this one too

A lot to catch up on

Hey there folks,
It's been a while, kinda fell behind in my blog. So much has happened in the last week or two that I have thought about posting, however I ended up not posting any of it because I got overwhelmed with how long I would have had to spend witting said post.

So I've decided to write about what's been going on but I'll be doing it in several short posts rather than a large one.

So... to catch you up to speed...
I've started dating guys and trying to get more gay friends. As of now the only real avenue I have of meeting guys besides walking into a gay bar is the internet, so I've been on some gay networking sites talking with people and setting dates/hang out times with.
I've decided that I really want to be in a relationship and I figure right now in my life is the perfect time for me to do so. I don't have the pressure of school and I'm free of a lot of people who would look down on me for dating guys. That being said i'm not just looking for anyone and won't be desperately throwing myself at anything with a penis... I suppose my standards are high when it comes to how guys look and, on top of that, a lot of the guys I have met so far I feel are (no offense intended here) more feminine. There's nothing wrong with that, i'm just not into it. Of the gay population there is probably a small percent I'd be into... which is fine, just means I need to be patient and really look around. It also means I need to meet more gay guys cuz they might have friends I'd be into.

so yea I've met three guys so far.
The first was kinda awkward, I met him through a friend I met on a social networking site. We went out to eat and just chatted He was a smart guy, med student, but I was not attracted to him at all... he just didn't do it for me--he wasn't as hot in person as I thought he'd be. He could be a good friend I suppose, but he seemed to be really into me... and I have this thing about how I hate leading people on and get really awkward when they're into me and I'm not into them... so I haven't really talked to him since last week.
I'll write about my second and third dates at another time...

btw i have a date coming up w/ a new guy that i'm pretty stoked for...

anyways peace out
Jordo

Time to come out

Lately I've been thinking that it's about damn time that I come out... to everyone.
I'm sick of this half in half out of the closet bull shit. I'm already out to my parents and they still love me just as much as they ever have... so i figure the hardest parts over... maybe

I'm out to my mom and dad and several school friends, but i need to come out to everyone. Which includes Aaron and the rest of the guys from the team (at least the ones I am still friends with).

I can't live this compartmentalized and dishonest life anymore. I want to be authentic and gain a greater degree of transparency in my life.

I suppose the only thing that is holding me back is the nagging thought that I would loose Aaron, as well as other friends, if they really knew who I was. The fear of loss is holding me back....

speaking of Aaron and coming out... listen to these two dialogs I've had with him in the past couple weeks:


We were in the car with another one of our friends (who is pretty conservative)and we're talking about some girl the con likes...
then Aaron turns to me
'Jordo, so you think you ever wanna get married?'
'I don't know, kinda depends on if I find someone to get married to?'
'do you want a girlfriend?'
'I don't know'
Then he said with a completely straight face (no sarcasm I could sense),
'how bout a boyfriend?'
at this point I think I would have told him the truth if it weren't for the damned con guy in the car (who was probably quite uncomfortable at this point)
so i skimped out, 'I don't know what I want outta life right now.... [insert bullshit here].....'
then Aaron seemed to drop it...


k, here's another convo


I was over at his place and we we're talking about something random... i can't remember exactly why

then Aaron goes, "It's cuz you like guys isn't it?"

me- '....[insert long pause]..."

Aaron- 'it's ok you can be honest with me' [another pause] .. now jokingly he says " i see the way you look at _______ [ex roomie who i'm not attracted to at all]."

then i can't remember exactly what happened from then on out.
keep in mind that one of his roomies was in the room when he said that... damn roomies. I probs would have came out to him then if it weren't for his roomie.


but yea so how do you folks think he'll respond to me?

my biggest problem right now is trying to figure out how to come out to Aaron and the rest of my friends... like do i just bring it up in a random convo or do i set a dinner date up and prepare a speech. It's gonna be an awkward situation no matter what... even if it goes well. I just dislike the idea of having to plan or set up a coming out... i just wish it would happen naturally... or like some one would out me.
suppose that's a cop out... but it still doesn't help me figure out how im gonna comeout.


alright let me hear what you think

peace out
Jordy