So yea, I haven't posted in a couple days and feel like i should, so here we go.
This will probably be more like a stream of consciousness than my other posts (which are often quite deliberate). I also might have a concussion, so bare with me.
I've been frustrated and tired lately. I can barely do any home work because I can't concentrate. As I mentioned before I think I have ADD, and ADD is exacerbated by stress and depression. I wouldn't say I'm super down at the moment but I think I am suffering from the long term effects of stress and depression... and part of me feels that this stress and depression is rooted predominantly in me being a closeted gay guy in a homophobic environment.
I'm really itching to get out of the closet. In fact all I can think about lately is the issues relating to my homosexuality. It doesn't help that everywhere I go homosexuality is brought up. Whether people are joking around, talking about news, talking about religion, or talking about my school's policy homosexuality is always brought up. I can't go a day without hearing people talk about homosexuality. It frustrates me how I never really reveal myself in regards to this issue. I can sit there and debate and dialogue people, listen to insults, or hear stories of coming out but I never reveal myself. It's really frustrating and it's all getting bottled up inside me. Someday i might just explode.
Hell my school is holding this 'forum' which is gonna bring in this speaker who is in favor of 'ex-gay programs' and 'reparative therapy': what bullshit. I don't want to rant too long about this, but it really gets me. It feels like a slap in the face. Like, "all you gays (if you're even out there) should come and let us fix you." arrogant pricks telling people what to do even though they don't understand the first thing about being gay.
I mostly feel bad for any gay person who goes to that event and then gets it into their head that they can change themselves if they pray hard enough. they'll most likely waste countless years denying a part of themselves. A part of themselves that there is nothing wrong with and in fact is beautiful and God given. I'm thankful that i never really felt guilty about being gay, because the social pressure is enough to deal with. But i know everyone is not that fortunate...
If you're reading this I want you to know that if you're gay there is nothing wrong with you; don't let anyone fix you or tell you to change who you are. Don't be afraid of they're fear mongering language. They may tell you it's a sin and that you'll go to hell or that you are diseased and broken, but they're wrong. You're perfectly fine as you are, believe in yourself. If you're struggling with believing that you are fine as you are please write me a message or check out my links on the right hand side of the page. I'd be happy to share with why I think there's nothing wrong with you.
ok, that rant aside
It also seems to me that more and more people are 'Coming Out', and in rather public ways.
It makes me feel like a chicken and a fraud to sit here and watch people stand up for themselves and what they believe in while I hide in this closet.
on a lighter note my team had a big game this weekend against a rival school. we won 28-10, it was awesome. Because of it our standing in our union is going to improve, which is great. I played pretty well and it was a blast. I tackled a guy really hard and now may or may not have a concussion... oh well.
hung out with Aaron quite a bit this weekend. Damn he's a cutie. I guess we're thinking about living together next year.. so yea, what do you folks think? good idea? bad idea?
I feel like i need to come out to him first, but i'm scared of that. advice?
I've decided I don't want to have a romance with him, i just wanna be his friend. But i'm scared to come out to him cause i don't know how I'd answer the question "do you like me in that way?" i feel the answer could destroy our friendship.
hope you found this rambling post worthwhile,
Jordo
Core memory unlocked!
4 years ago
