when she met them for the first time

We were both admittedly anxious about meeting her family for the first time.  They were driving a long way to be here and we had no idea what to expect.  My Love took half the day off so he could be present for the visitation too.  

I pulled into the parking lot and saw the social worker walking through the parking lot.  She helped us out of the car and I looked up and there were three people coming toward the building at the same time.  She started crying as soon as she saw her.  "[Sweet Pea] looks just like [him]!" Having only seen one picture I knew she would have that reaction.  Seeing the face of your baby on that of another would bring anyone to tears.  They had never met her before.  We walked inside and instantly peace started washing over me. 

My Love arrived a few minutes later and we spent the next 2 1/2 hours talking to Sweet Pea's relatives as they held her and kissed her and played with her and fed her on the floor of the social worker's office.  It really couldn't have gone any better.

Admittedly My Love and I would have loved for Sweet Pea to be forever ours, but God never made us that promise.  And in this brief meeting we could see a glimpse of his plan for the next chapter of her life.  We could see our purpose for this season.  We could see even more how much our Sovereign Lord loves her.

It will likely still be months before she leaves our arms, but in the mean time both sides are at peace in the waiting knowing that God is in control and is Lord over both our households.

I asked if we could pray together before we said goodbye and with our heads bowed in this government building and we agreed together seeking God's face on behalf of this precious baby girl.  How cool is that!?

The more I draw near to him the bigger God reveals himself to be.  I am overwhelmed and humbled by his love for the least of these and that he has called my family to serve him in this way.

so...I might be back

Now I know I said THE END so dramatically and all, but part of me kind of thought I would wind up here again.  I mean, I did pretty well for awhile convincing myself that the season of blogging was behind me. Mostly because months had gone by with no real inspiration or anything interesting to share.  Ultimately this blog was always for me though.  To be a place where I could be reminded of God's faithfulness in the mundane and miraculous.  It just seems like the right time to write again.  I am not making any promises of returning full force, but I would like to chronicle how being Thankful In All has prepared me for such a time as this.

So here we go...

written on my heart

I honestly didn't expect to feel this way.  In fact, I'm not sure I have ever before.  Deeply loved someone else's baby like this I mean.

But it just goes to show that what he shared with us was true.  Our friend from church said, "We had been praying for L for so long that by the time we saw her picture for the first time, we were in love."  Or something like that.  Don't quote me or anything.

Another friend's daughter has been home for two years now, and she already knows what I am beginning to understand.  "Some babies are born in their Mommy's tummies and some babies are born in their Mommy's hearts!!" she said.  She really gets it.

It wasn't until I held God's answered prayer in my arms this past week that I started to see what they were talking about.  How God can grow a love for someone through prayer that you have only just met.  I held her as much as I could during the four days they spent with us.  Often little things she did at a mere three months old would take me back to moments experienced with my own children.  The sudden jerking movements of her appendages.  Spontaneous smiles. Lint between little fingers.  Memories that don't come to mind easily otherwise.  

But the funny thing is snuggling this precious life didn't make me long for another infant of my own like it does for some.  As I watched our dear friends bustle about the house getting baby gear together for a day's outing, it almost confirmed my desire not to return to those hectic days of diaper bags and strollers and front packs.  Yes, JP, it gets easier.  

Once again God used this angel baby to speak to my heart.  Does she know what an instrument she has been in the building of my faith already?

I loved my talks on the couch, patio, car, and walking in the rain with my dear friend.  "If God had told me five years ago that the journey would have taken this long, would it have helped?" she asked rhetorically.  "I don't know."  I'm not sure it would have.  The waiting would have felt pointless.  Yes, we would know the exact day and hour but I think we would all live differently (not relying on the Lord) if he showed us our individual big pictures in advance.  

Yesterday morning (oh how it feels like longer), I took H out in the back yard while her parents were getting ready for the day and packing for their drive to the airport.  The air was peaceful and the morning sun crisp.  It was a precious time spent singing and talking to her as she sat nestled in my arms beginning to doze off to sleep.  Praying for her life as I had been doing for years and knowing this little peanut was taking a bit of my heart with her back to California.  Through prayer, God had given me a love for her that can't be explained.

We are in a new place in our family.  A season that I hope to be able to write more about soon.  One where you begin to wonder when the next rain is going to come and if the path we are on now will keep us wandering for longer than we would prefer.

But the waiting is not done in vain.  It is not to make us suffer.  And in fact, I praise him for withholding the big picture.  I think I would be discouraged if he announced the exact day and hour and realized it is still years off.  I might even go so far to say I welcome the wait.  Not because of all the wonderful work he is doing in us in the meantime (which he is), but because I know he is writing the names of faceless little bundles that will one day call me Mama on my heart.  So when I see them--when I hold them--the love will be so deep and overwhelming because we prayed.  I can almost feel the heavenly pen pressed against beating flesh starting to write.

I can not begin to describe how joyful it was to see our friends as parents.  They are still entrenched in middle-of-the-night feedings and burp cloths and drool marks.  But it looks so beautiful on them.

Happy 1st Mother's Day JP!  You are an amazing Mommy.  I love you!

waiting here for you

16 in 4

16 posts in four months?  How did that happen?!?!

I really do want to get back into blogging again and am starting to pray about what that will look like.  There is a lot to write about.  A lot to share here.  But until it feels right, I'm not sure where to start.  Or when to.

So I continue to wait.  I wait for time and inspiration because it will come.

 

weak then strong

Yesterday morning I read this in God Calling:

"Yes! I know all.  Every cry for mercy.  Every sigh of weariness.  Every plea for help.  Every sorrow over failure.  Every weakness.  I am with you through all.  My tender sympathy is yours.  My strength is yours.  Rejoice at your weakness, My children.  When you are weak then am I strong.  Strong to help, to cure, to protect.  Trust Me, My children.  I know all.  I am beside you.  Strong, strong, strong to save.  Lean on My Love, and know that all is well."

At the bottom of that reading led me to this scripture:

"Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall fall and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:28-31 ESV

And then we went to church and we sang this song (written based on Isaiah 40) in worship to our God:

EVERLASTING GOD by CHRIS TOMLIN
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary 
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

It only took me until the end of the day yesterday to really take to heart what God was repeating for me a day after I was wallowing in my weakness.

"You are weak.  I am strong. You are WEAK.  I am STRONG.  You NEED My strength.  I am here.  Use it.  Fill yourself up with me DAILY.  Your weaknesses are present to show you your need for My strength.  My perfect and complete strength.  Strength that is more than enough to fulfill your weaknesses.  You are not alone."

Not in so many words of course. 

Are you feeling weak/weary/faint today?  Are your weaknesses (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) staring you in the face overwhelming you?  Rejoice in your weaknesses because in them He is made strong.  His strength will rise as I wait upon the LORD today.

 

growing our family

"Fear of what others will say is want [or lack] of trust in Me.  This must not be.  Convert all these difficulties into the purification of your characters.  See yourselves as those around you see you, not as you wish to be, and walk very humbly with your God.  I will set you on high because you have known My Name, but it must be a purified you to be exalted."-God Calling


When I read this today, I knew it was time to share.  God is doing something new in me that I haven't let him do before.  Don't get me wrong, I have preached "die to self" and "submit to the Shepherd" but I didn't even know that I wasn't fully doing it myself (even though I really wanted to).  There were people who probably knew the truth before I did.  People who know me well.  Namely my husband and my first family.  Yes, God was doing a work in my heart and mind but the core of who I was hadn't really been transformed.  When I am irritable "out of the heart the mouth speaks".  It is hard to really feel like you are growing spiritually when part of you feels like a fraud after losing self-control over something trivial.  Even confessing it here and claiming not to be perfect wasn't really getting the job done of carving out my "heart of stone".


God has been working and in a way that I never saw coming.  All this waiting really threw me.  I got caught up in the service I felt God was calling me into and forgot that walking in obedience in all things on every day is more what the Lord really desires.  He will use us when the time is right in the way that best pleases him and we don't even need to realize it when it is happening.  

I spoke to a trusted friend and mentor recently and God used her to speak truth to my heart (not in so many words).


"What if this whole process of stepping out in faith and following God on a journey to foster parenting didn't actually end in bringing foster children into your home?"

Obedience is not always about finding something on the other end.  It can also just be about hearing his calling and doing the thing he asks you to do when he asks it.  Why does it feel like a failure if there is no end result?  Maybe part of me thinks "but we have told so many people and they are all watching".  The truth is this process has never been about us and it still isn't.  For now, we know God opened a door wide and said WALK THROUGH.  We obeyed.  Seeking anything more than pleasing him in obedience makes it about us.  So we wait only to obey him in the next thing when he asks it.

Not long into this process of waiting for something that we assumed was promised to us, we realized that God had a big plan to work in our marriage.  "Oh, that must be it," I said.  "He is strengthening our relationship so we can be better prepared for the tough road ahead as foster parents!"  That may still be the case but I no longer feel like that is the reason for this chapter.  God wants to heal our marriage because it needs it.

"What if this whole process of stepping out in faith and following God on a journey to foster parenting was only about learning how to have a sacred marriage?" 

And not for the purpose of what comes next but only because it brings God glory.  Would that be enough?  Would I still question the reason for the path we walked and try to figure out the why for this process?  Or would this chapter of strengthening our marriage be enough of a reason to start any journey?

I spoke to that same friend as she listened so well about how God had been aching in my heart (during this time since being approved to foster parent) a desire to grow our family.

"What if this is God's way of growing your family?"  

To include something big that has been missing.  Isn't that enough!?!

My desire to adopt has not faded.  I still feel like that is something God will call us to do some day.  But until that phone rings to bring home a foster child (even with low odds of that ever happening) or God directs us to pursue something else, we know that we are obeying God right where we are.  I no longer feel like this life will end in discontentment if I don't see evidence at the end of this road because the path led us here and God is doing big things.  If on the journey through this chapter of our marriage God brings who I wish to be into sync with how others see me there will be abundant fruit worthy of his praise.  Isn't that what the process of sanctification does in us all?  And in the end the better me will be seen for his glory.  The one that better reflects who God is.  His will is perfect and complete for me and it includes this day, my 31st birthday.  Oh how he loves me!

what am i waiting for?

"Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting." -Dr. Seuss


What am I waiting for?  This is the moment God has called me to live today.  Why do I think serving him in any other capacity than what this moment holds is more worth while?  I choose not to wait.  I choose to live for him today.  To be present with the Holy Spirit in the now and be used however best brings him glory.  Whatever I am waiting for may never come and then what?  What kind of life would this be?  One that stood in line waiting for my life to start?  I choose to live for Christ.  I choose to wait on him daily.  Not for some super spiritual calling but for whatever he has planned for me on this day.


"As I prompt you--act.  When you have no clear guidance, then go forward quietly along the path of duty I have set before you.  No fear, no panic, quietly doing your daily duty.  This attitude of faith will receive its reward, as surely as the acting upon My direct Guidance.  Rejoice in the sense of security that is yours." -God Calling

we're all good

I know it has been too long between blog posts when I get concerned "How are you doing?" messages.  Answer?  Great!  The sun is shining and our family has been spending a good portion of our days outdoors enjoying God's creation (and our new swing set in the backyard).  We feel like we are back into a comfortable routine around here after traveling and it feels rather sweet.  I am homeschooling Brother in the near empty basement now and that seems to be helping with the elimination of distractions (aka toys).  Babydoll loves sitting in her desk while coloring right next to Brother.  She jumps right in with what we are learning and I am having a fun time teaching them.  Our days have become more structured and peaceful.  We are enjoying every moment of our days with these two precious gifts from God.  Even the ones spent correcting the endless phrases that start with "I want" and the whining that comes after every instruction.  Sigh.  Theses are the days of our lives and we are filled with joy to be their parents.


We have heard nothing from foster care.  In some ways that feels like a good thing.  We continue to pray for the children that may one day come to live with us but for now God has them right where they need to be.  It feels pretty strange to be waiting on something that we don't know will ever happen.  You start asking yourself what could have been God's plan for all of this if in the end we would never be foster parents.  I know, dramatic, huh?  But really, he doesn't owe us anything.  All we know at this point is that he gave us this house to use for his glory, he called us to obediently follow him into foster parent training, and now he is asking us to wait.  Most people start paining walls in their house while they are waiting, right?  Last night we got the entry painted and My Love picked up another gallon to get started on the office.  Swatches for the bedrooms have been looked over as well.  While we wait we will paint.

I will say though that more than ever I feel an aching for our home to be bustling with people.  Brother set the table one day and put My Love and me at either ends of the table while Brother and Babydoll Sissy sat on one side together .  The two empty chairs on the other side were loudly empty.  Somehow the topic was brought up over dinner and I told brother that those two chairs could be reserved for whomever God would have come to live with us someday.  He looked around the house and noticed that we had many more chairs for kids to fill.  "And we have the bench too," I said.  "We could fill it up with hineys (sp?)!"  Brother burst into laughter at the mention of rears lined up at the table eating dinner with us but somehow I envision that scenario.  The other day I read two references to the miracle the Jesus did of feeding the five thousand (once in my God Calling devotional and later that day in Brother's school curriculum).  I am ready to give God whatever is in my hands (and house and heart...) for God to multiple abundantly for his glory.  We don't know what God has planned ahead for us but while we are waiting he is planting in our hearts a deeper desire for whatever it may be.


In the mean time we are going about our days trying our best to live in a way that pleases Him.  Thank you to all the people that have been praying for the recent trial we have been walking through with loved ones.  There has not been a conclusion yet but God has been working in all of our hearts and good will come of it.  My only regret is that I didn't read the first email and choose then to be thankful to God for whatever was before me.  He is always good.  I am learning a lot and will share more soon.


So don't be worried if there is another gap between posts.  It just means that we are soaking up the rays of God's glory and enjoying every moment (of toddler shrieking) that we have been given.  Time to keep waiting...and painting.

before we can see the other side

We lied in bed tonight taking turns praying out loud in the dark.  (Of course I can't sleep now.)  My heart was weighing heavy with hurt and my mind was racing with all the words I wish I could say.  Tears came bursting out as I spoke to My Lord while being held in My Love's arms.  It is not about a fracturing earthly relationship anymore.  God wants my attention and he has it fully.  It feels incredibly convicting to know that you are NOT being the Love of Jesus to even one person. Should I be consumed with hurt feelings and questioning the heart of the messenger to justify my selfishness further?  I choose to seek the face of God instead.  I hear messages of "wait on me" and "be calm" but I guess there was more to be said on the other end in a second email.  Perhaps to get to the sweetness that God has planned for our relationship in the future it will have to hurt more before we can see the other side.  I choose to trust.  Please pray for me/us as I wait on the Lord this week.  I will be studying James 1 in depth and wherever God leads me from there.  I am struggling with hurt and anger but I know God has me right where he wants me and he desires for me to surrender those feelings to him. 

 

The tears started coming while praying tonight when I recalled our Lord being accused before the Sanhedrin.  They would spit on him and beat him beyond recognition before My Lord would die for MY sin.  He was silent through much of his suffering.

 

Matthew 27:12-14 (NLT)

¹² But when the leading priests and the elders made their accusations against him, Jesus remained silent. ¹³ “Don’t you hear all these charges they are bringing against you?” Pilate demanded. ¹⁴ But Jesus made no response to any of the charges, much to the governor’s surprise.

 

Isaiah 53:7 (NLT)

⁷ He was oppressed and treated harshly,
    yet he never said a word.
He was led like a lamb to the slaughter.
    And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
    he did not open his mouth.

The least I can do is lie still in the Shepherd's hands for awhile and wait for him to open my mouth so only words from My Father come rushing out.  That's the hope any way.

Breathe.

while i'm waiting

This morning I got in contact with the social worker who was in charge of our foster parenting classes.  I let her know through email that we are back in town and are officially able to take a placement at anytime.  I feel like God has me in a funny place.  I am preparing for this foster parenting journey to start way out in the distance.  We are choosing to live our lives as normal without dwelling too much on when it is going to happen.  The guest bed is still in the extra bedroom that is meant for the next addition to our family.  But there is also this quaking feeling that the phone could ring at any minute and our lives will be forever changed for the better.  How do you simultaneously wait with both anticipation and patience?  

I have often prayed through this song for two families that are going through very different experiences in life.  Suddenly the lyrics apply to me too.  What am I going to do while I am waiting?  And how long before I get antsy that the call on my life isn't happening fast enough?  No we are not waiting to conceive a child or enter the mission field, but the promise is still there.  And I feel a bit like Abraham believing God and yet having to have faith that His "when" is the perfect plan for me. 


We have done our part.  We have obediently followed him this far and now he is asking us to wait.  I know it is for good reason.  You see, we don't just want any child to fulfill our impatience.  We want the child that God choose to join our family (even if it just for a brief while) before the beginning of time.  To think he knew long before my first breath that he would use our family for his glory is overwhelming.  Why would I not choose to trust him?


We know nothing in particular has to happen first before we welcome a foster child in our home.  We don't have to have a house that is better organized.  We don't have to be more financially stable.  We don't even have to get through My Love's job transition first.  All we have to do is trust God fully and wait patiently with anticipation knowing that his plan is perfect and complete.

not denial

"Leave Me out of nothing.  Love all My ways with you.  Know indeed that "All is well."  Delay is but the wonderful and all-loving restraint of the Father--not reluctance, not desire to deny--but the Divine control of a Father who can scarcely brook the delay.  Delay has to be--sometimes.  Your lives are so linked up with those of others, so bound by circumstances that to let your desire have instant fulfillment might in many cases cause another, as earnest prayer, to go unanswered.  But think for a moment of the Love and thoughtful care that seek to harmonize and reconcile all your desires and longings and prayers.  Delay is not denial--not even withholding.  It is the opportunity for God to work out your problems and accomplish your desires in the most wonderful way possible for you.  Oh! children, trust Me.  Remember that your Maker is also your Servant, quick to fulfill, quick to achieve, faithful in accomplishment.  Yes.  All is well." 

-God Calling


This reading in my devotional journal really spoke to me today even though it was meant for tomorrow.  It is a strange place to be knowing we could have a child placed in our home for any length of time as soon as next week but also know it could be months before we get a call.  We have to trust in His timing.  His perfect timing that is intimately woven together with the life another child.  So we will wait on Him and trust with ready hearts that his plan is complete.  After I thought about myself a little more I realized that these words could also encourage others that we pray for who are waiting on adoption, waiting to find a spouse, waiting to be placed in the mission field, waiting for a loved one to surrender their life to the Lord, waiting to find their place in this world, waiting to conceive a child, waiting for direction, waiting for answers, waiting for forgiveness, waiting for love...


Delay is not denial, people.

upon

1.up and on; upward so as to get or be on

2.in an elevated position on

3.in or into complete or approximate contact with 

Tonight I am waiting UPON the LORD.  And it is a very sweet place to be.